 Hey guys, it's Joan welcome back to my channel. So I have been feeling obviously a lot of feelings in the last few days It is the last Friday with my real leg That's weird to say It's six days out from surgery I got to talk to my surgeon last night and learn a little bit more about what my process is gonna look like It looks like I'll only be in the hospital for like a day, which sounds terrifying But as many of you know, I made this decision It's an elective amputation which does not mean that I'm like, hey, this sounds like a great idea I think I'll chop my leg off. It means that I cannot live in pain like this anymore I've been in pain every day for a really long time for years and it's gotten worse and worse And I'm on narcotics all the time and I cannot do anything But barely walk and walking hurts a lot and not walking hurts and I just can't do this anymore and I'm unwilling to go down the Dark tunnel of more uncertain surgeries that are not gonna give me a life I want to take the chance of having my Below-the-knee amputation with the hope that it will give me better quality of life With that being said a lot of people were against that decision understandably people who love me Who want the best for me and who can't imagine making this kind of decision for themself which I understand And so I made this decision and I felt confident in it and I called the doctor's office a few days ago and said I am for sure doing this. Let's let's do it. So they scheduled it and Then after that I started freaking out Just feeling so much anxiety and so much terror and so much like what dear God, what am I going to do? This is so much more change than I can possibly anticipate. I cannot predict all the things that are going to be different And is this panic is this fear does this mean I've made the wrong decision? Like should I go back to ankle replacement or should I just do nothing because of all of this fear that I have and No, I'm I'm realizing and I've realized every day that the answer is no a Decision can be right and can also be fucking terrifying Because this one definitely is I am Very frightened this book came in the mail today lower limb amputation It's got a lot of great information in it by the way it is by Adrienne Christian, I hope I'm saying that name, right? I'm not sure if you can see was it by there But it's a guide to living a quality life. It's got a lot of good information I would definitely recommend it if you are getting a lower limb amputation I'm working my way through it right now, but there are so many things to Consider and I'm watching a lot of other YouTube channels like amputee ot great information there And I'm trying to absorb as much as I can But I'm finding like I can't sleep. I can't rest because my head is going nuts And I just want to get it done But then I find myself like touching my leg that's still there and realizing it's gonna be gone in less than a week and There's so much anxiety that comes with that And I find myself wondering am I gonna look back on this video in a year and be like oh my god Jordan, what were you thinking like what have you done? Why did you do this? But I don't think that's gonna be the case regardless because I Feel I like in my gut and I know that this is the right decision I know it may not have the outcome that I want I know I may not be able to run not everyone who has their leg amputated gets to do that. I Know that I may have phantom pain I know that pretty much everyone has phantom sensation. I know that Taking showers is gonna be a pain. I know that going to the bathroom is gonna be difficult I know that learning the walk and and all of that is going to be a challenge, but with all of that said Even though I have so much fear. I am confident in this decision still So if you are in the process of making this choice And you feel like it's the right choice, but you're terrified. I would encourage you that If you do know that it's the right choice and your doctors agree Don't let that fear Paralyze you think through it work through it feel it deal with it But don't stop there like don't let it stop what you know to be right whatever that is That's what I'm trying to work on. That's what I'm trying to like sit with and and absorb and it's hard I'm gonna make it through the weekend get more things in the house ready I have a nice little fridge installed there That's where I'm gonna be like recovering where my dog is currently sleeping like a bum because she sleeps all day Which is what I'm gonna be doing, you know for like at least a solid week soon But I'm gonna continue getting everything ready Trying to relax trying to keep my mind calm and trying to deal with these fears Let me know how you guys are doing and if this is something you've dealt with or are dealing with I would love to hear from you and love to hear your questions. I look forward to talking to you soon. Bye guys