 Okay, so I just thought that in this session that we'll watch a couple of videos. We looked at the gardening principle. So in line with that, there are three other principles that John Maxwell talks about. So we'll watch the video and then pause to discuss and maybe share. And yeah, so let's do that. Any questions or any thoughts that anyone has on what we discussed earlier? Okay, so we'll just move and we'll watch the video. Just give me a minute. If two men on the same job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless. And the question I must ask myself is, can I find common ground? And will I give it 100% of my effort? Now, when do I practice this 101% principle? It is an incredible tool in anyone's relational toolbox. However, it's not something that can be pulled out and used all the time. I say that because this principle takes a big commitment of time, energy, and thinking. Therefore, before practicing this principle, you need to ask yourself some questions. I know that I'm a little vulnerable when I start helping you ask these questions, but this principle takes such time and effort you have to ask these questions. Number one is the person worth the commitment. Every person has great worth, but they don't all have the same relational worth to you. So you have to ask yourself, where do I use this 101% principle? Where do I find that 1% we agree on and give it 100% of my effort? Because there's a lot of things we're disagreeing on. Well, I have family, inner circle people, but you can't give 100% commitment to 1% you agree on with everybody. So you have to kind of evaluate who do I do this with. Number two is the situation worth the commitment. A lot of situations you don't have to do this 101% principle at all, because it's just going to pass. It's just here, it's going to pass whether you give it a commitment or not. Number three is the issue worth the commitment. What is the issue? Is the issue worth you giving 100% of your commitment? And number four is the return worth the commitment. So let's talk about this 101% return. Practicing the 101% principle can benefit you in many ways here. Six, one, it allows you to build a foundation for change. Why? Very simple, change always begins on common ground. Just recently I was in Washington DC and I was spending a day with the CIA. They're going through a lot of changes and so they said, John, we'd like to have you meet with 14 top leaders and have a long lunch. But then we would like you to talk to address about five or 600 of our people that are kind of leading departments about all the changes we're going through and how leaders view change and how they handle change. And so it was a wonderful, wonderful time. But what I shared with them that day I shared with you. When change must occur, there's a temptation for us to look at differences. Well, if I change, this is going to be different and this will be different. And what happens is differences tend to separate us. And what we do is when we want to see change accomplished, the first thing we want to do is we want to find common ground. What do we all agree on? Let's start there. Let's start on something that we can, you know, let's find the 1% we agree on and let's give it 100% of our effort. That's the beginning of a successful change. A lot of times change never occurs because we find the 1% we disagree on. And we give it 100% of our effort. Number two, it prevents unnecessary conflict. This 101% principle really eliminates a lot of conflict. General Grant said, there never was a time in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of a sword. Number three, it reduces the odds of making enemy. Emerson observed, he who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, while he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere. Number four, it keeps something of value that could have been lost. When you practice this 101% principle, you really get to keep those things that you value and those people you value. In the paragraph in your notes, how many potentially rewarding relationships have you missed because you focused on the differences instead of the common ground? How many potential friends have slipped through your fingers? How many productive business associations have been forfeited? Former New York Yankees manager Joe McCartney observed, any manager who can't get along with a 400 hitter is crazy. Number five, it helps you to feel good about your part of the relationship. The reason it helps you and I feel good about our part of the relationship is because we know we're doing our very best. I'm right now personally going through an issue in a relationship that is extremely difficult. Pretty much I've got bad news for somebody that I care a lot about. And the only thing that gives me strength in this whole process, the only thing that gives me peace in this process is I know without question that I've given this effort 100%. I mean, I have not slighted it in any way. I've done my very best to make it work. Now, what I'm saying is when you have done your very best to make it work, it doesn't always work. Isn't that true? We've all come up to the place where 100% wasn't enough. When I walk away from a situation that doesn't work out good and I know with integrity that I've given it my best shot and that my motives have been right and my effort has been total. Disappointed? Yes. But not devalued because I gave that individual the very best that I could. Number six, one more thing about the 100% principle. It enables you to make the best of difficult situations. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything. Adopting the 101% principle makes the best of every relational opportunity and no one can be expected to do more than that. People principle number 19, the patience principle. The patience principle says the journey with others is slower than the journey alone. For the friendship of two, the patience of one is necessary. And the question that I must ask myself is, do I take others with me even when it's inconvenient? By the way, when I wrote this relationship book, I can tell you that sometimes when people look at an author, they think that the author writes those things which he or she really is good at. When I write, I have to have about four or five timeouts. Kind of like, excuse me, I'm writing this because I know it's true not because I'm good at this. In fact, when I wrote the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, six of the 21 laws I don't do well at all. In fact, I would rate myself average or lower than average. Six of them. In fact, that's one of the reasons why I know I have to have a team around me. Are you with me? Because I'm not good at them. In fact, if you think you're good at all of them, you need a therapist around you. You need a real friend that cares for you because you're in deep ways. Well, it's also true about these relationship rules. And this one here, this patience principle, this whole issue of taking people on the journey, you have to understand I flunk this. I'm not a patient person. When I was in school, what I hated more than anything else about school was review day. Where the teacher would say, now, Tamara, we're going to review our notes for the last six weeks because we're getting ready for a big test and we'll review the notes so we can get ready for the test and I'd raise my hand and say, do I have to come? She'd say, of course you have to come. Why wouldn't you come? Because I took notes the first time. Excuse me? If I got it, do I have to come? And they always made me come. And I hated it. I'd say here I am, sitting in the classroom, did my stuff on the front end. Now I'm waiting for everybody on the back end. Hit the ball and drag Charlie. Hit the ball and drag Charlie. After a while, don't you just want to hit Charlie? This has been a hard one for me to learn. One of my leadership lessons as I learned about what leadership is is I learned that leaders aren't the first to cross the finish line. They may be the fastest, but they reduce their speed so everybody else can cross the finish line with them. What leaders do and what leaders know is that the very fact that you're a leader is that you bring people with you. That's where the patience principle comes in, in your notes. I constantly cast vision for the people in my organization and then I left them behind. Not a good thing for a leader. I had to learn to connect with people and develop patience. These are two critical steps in relationship building. Patience without connection and the relationship lacks energy. Connection without patience and the relationship lacks potential. Connection with patience, the relationship has energy and potential. And if you want relationships to last, you need both energy and potential. So how do you become more patient in relationships? First, prioritize patience as a virtue worthy of developing. In fact, Aristotle said, the greatest virtues are those which are most useful to other persons. Nothing is more useful to other persons than patience. Number two, understand that it takes time to build good relationships. Number three, practice the exchange principle. We've already talked about that. Instead of putting others in their place, what do we say? Put yourself in their place. To develop patience, you need to appreciate other people, how they think and be sensitive to how they feel. Every person thinks his problems are the biggest, his jokes are the funniest, his prayers should get spatial attention, his situation is different, his victories are the most exemplary, and his faults should be overlooked. That's just how we are. Number four, realize that people have and create problems. When it comes to people, there are good news and there's bad news. The good news is that some people in your life are going to be the source of your greatest joy, and the bad news is that those same people may be the cause of your greatest problem. That's true not only at home, but also at work. And the higher you climb in leadership, the more difficult the problems. The findings of leadership experts, Warren Benes and Bert Nannis, bear this out. They state, what we have found is that the higher the rank, the more interpersonal and human the undertaking. Our top executives spend roughly 90% of their time with others, and virtually the same amount of time concerned with the messiness of people problems. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Number five, identify areas where people need patience with you. Oh my goodness. Now this has helped me a lot. I'll pass this on to you because it's amusing to me, but it's really helped me a lot. Because I have a problem with patients with others. One of the things I have done is I have gone to people who love me the most, my inner circle, and I've asked them to give me ways that they have to be patient with me. It's very embarrassing. First of all, they always randomly say, oh yeah, we'll be glad to do that. That in itself tells a lot. In fact, what really bothers me is when they say, you need it in five minutes? In other words, they're not grappling with ways to think of how they have to be patient with me. They've got a list already. In fact, the other day I asked Linda for this lesson. I said, Linda, I mean, you know, you're my assistant. You run my whole life. What areas do you have to be patient with me? She just started rattling them off. I said, oh, that's a fact. Shouldn't we think about some of these? She didn't think about it. She said, here's just part of her list. I am constantly losing my glasses, my cell phones, my pens, and then she probably just says, John, you lose everything. If you've had it, you've lost it. If you find it, you'll lose it again. I have probably 30 pair of glasses. I have them everywhere. My answer to losing glasses is put them everywhere. So when you come through my house, well, MarketPrize will probably pick them up today because companies come, and that's always disgusting, too, because then I can't find them again. But if she just leaves them where they should be, you'll count a dozen, 15 pair yourself, because it's just kind of like if you lose them, then don't carry them. Just wherever you sit, have some. Then she goes, I mean, this list doesn't come. She just, she said, John, anytime we're discussing planning, you want lots of options. That's very true. I like options. You don't know anybody likes options as much as me. So when you say, we're going to do it this way, I will say, well, are there seven other ways that we could do this, too? Because you just never know when you need an option. You realize how much time it takes for her to give me all of the options I want in life. In fact, she's been with me now for several years, and now she'll probably say, John, before we go through this, there are five options here for you. She gets very proud, and then I'll find another one or two that I want. She said, I'm constantly changing my travel plans. Well, I do that. You just never know where opportunity is going to be. All of a sudden, opportunity is over there, so you've got to go over there. I over-schedule myself, and as a result, projects take longer than the time allotted. I hate to say no. Oh, my goodness. This morning, I had a request from some university, and I put yes, and then I scratched down and said, well, no. Then I wrote a note and said, well, maybe. And I handed it to her. Take care of that. Take care of that. Another one, she said, I want her to be able to call her 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and that's part of the requirement. I said, they'll have the cell phone on 24-7. If I stopped right now, pushed one button, she'd answer. Okay, it takes to bed with her. That's it all the time. I try not to awaken her much, but you just never know. Now, this list can go on and on. And when I looked at that, I thought, I'm a terrible person. But you know what that helps me do? It helps me be patient with the rest of my people. Because what I'm really realizing is, I have a bunch of video sequences, and my team has to put up with those all the time. Number six, recognize that all relationships have give-ups, give-ins, and give-and-takes. That's a fact. If you're in a relationship, you're going to have to give up some things. You're going to have to give in on some things. And you're going to certainly have to do the give-and-take. All relationships have difficult times. It doesn't matter how good they are or how long that they have lasted. And we can't always have everything our own way. It will experience areas where we have to give. The give-ups, for example. Things I like to do but should not do at this time. When my children were small, because of the heavy responsibilities I had upon my shoulders of work and with kids, there was a period of about eight or nine years I gave up golf. I loved to play golf. But it's just one of those issues where you just have to set it aside for a time. And I said, you know, I'll put this aside and give them the time they need, and then there'll be a time I can pick it back up. Give-ins. There are things I don't like to do but should do at this time. Oh, for me, exercise. I can tell you that right now. And then give-and-takes, things we do for one another. You see, as I worked on this chapter, I got to think about my inner circle the people closest to me who are an integral to my satisfaction success. Some of them are faster than I am. Some of them are slower. But with all of them, I try to do these things. Serve them. Let them lead and do it their way and assist them when it helps. Mentor them. Answer their questions, set an example, and direct or correct only when it will make a difference. Value them. Listen to their ideas, respect their positions, and never undermine their authority. And reward them. Take good care of those who take good care of you. People principle number 20. The celebration principle. The celebration principle. Okay, let's... Any questions or any feedback, anything that you want to share with what we looked at so far? The 101% principle and then the patient's principle. Your thoughts on it? Is it challenging, easy? The season of life that you are in, whatever it is that you are doing, what do you think? I think the patient principle was quite challenging to do. Sometimes people need some patience. I think that is quite challenging because sometimes we just want to express our thoughts, say what we want to say in a moment. But it doesn't work with everyone. We should really understand. Sometimes just listen, sometimes just close up. Yeah, it's interesting. When we look at the root of the spirit, relations 522, one of the things mentioned there is patience. The old English word is long-suffering, like patience. The Holy Spirit thinks it's of so much value that he develops this in our lives, the fruit of the expression of the Holy Spirit. One of the aspects of Christ's likeness is that. It's something that others enjoy. When we express patience, it's for others to experience it. When we display patience, others to experience it and be benefited by it. It's listed as one aspect of the fruit of the spirit. It's a thing. Also, when we want to go fast, reach a place fast, then you can travel alone. But if you want to reach it together, if you want to take people with you, then we would require this whole quality of patience. Any other thoughts? Any other takeaways? One thing that we need to understand is that when it comes to just a passing point, the fact is that when it comes to leadership, the higher you are, God glazes you as a leader and takes you further in leadership and also expands the sphere of your influence, the scope of your influence, meaning, okay, please lead it over 20, 30, whatever. Then we understand that because it's people, so it means having the capacity to face more problems. The whole thing of the people who actually bring us most joy could be potentially the same people who also create challenges or create problems. The greater the level of leadership, the bigger the scope of leadership, the greater the ability to face or solve problems and typically people problems. This is one thing that a patient obviously is a very important ingredient in helping us face that, helping us solve. What do you think of the 101% principle? Finding that one person that we can agree upon and giving it that 100% time and effort. So definitely in dealing with difficult people, in dealing with difficult people, maybe in church, on our team, in our families. Then again, the precursor is that people work. Is this person worth the time? Is the situation worth the time and effort? So definitely people are worth it in the sense they have the worth because of the worth and what Jesus has brought into them. Looking at people the way the Lord would look at them gives them that worth because they are created in the image and he died for them and so on. So worth not in that sense, but worth really in the sense of us relationally connecting, investing in that sense. With the assignment that God has given me with the ministry or the calling that I have, with all that, is this worth the effort? Again, coming back to priority, coming back to, because we have X amount of time. We can expend X amount of energy. We are finite beings, so we need to ask these questions ourselves. And the flip side of it is, this is really important truth in the sense if I can agree on this one thing and if I can give it everything, then I can make it work. So even the most difficult of circumstances involving people, this is something to practice. What is that one thing? It's not going to be smooth, it's not going to be easy, but find that the place of agreement and to give it 100% best. And I remember recently watching a video of this man. He's a black American. I forget his name, he'll probably find that out. But I remember watching, I'm not sure if it was a TED talk or something, but he actually was instrumental in thinking about a lot of reconciliation. We're talking about the 80s and so on, 80s and 90s interracial reconciliation. He's a black American man. But about a time when this racial tension was at its heights and we had these, this is typically an American scenario. There's what is called the KKK, it's a band outfit, radical fundamental group given to violence, given to a lot of things, white supremacy group, the KKK, the Ku Klux, and how this person actually built a relationship with them. So he was curious, he was bold, and this group was very, you know, was given to violence and dangerous and so on, but he actually ventured out to talk to them to find out what was the problem and he developed a rapport with the leader of that particular group of that time and became friends, invited him for a meal, went to his house for a meal. So this was unheard of. People would not do it, but he broke down all those barriers simply because of this one thing that he could agree upon. He could bring others to agree upon that one thing. He said, okay, yes, there is hate, yes, there have been mistakes on both sides and yes, there's been things that we have done because of revenge and because of hatred and we've done it, but what is that thing that we can agree on? At the end of the day, are we not human beings who want to do the right thing? It's very interesting how he brought those, how he built things to bring about that kind of a change in the leader of one of the most fiercest groups of those times. So we know that it is possible, but the thing is it requires so much more. So the thing, is this cause worth it? Is this situation worth it? Is this person the relationship worth it? Then we can actually, when we settle those questions, then we can go all ahead and literally lay down our lives. Okay, let's continue and watch the next one and then we'll have a discussion on both sides. Number 20, the celebration principle. The celebration principle says the true test of relationships is not only how loyal we are when friends fail, but how thrilled we are when they succeed. Average people do not want others to go beyond average. And the question I must ask myself, do I enjoy and root for the success of my friend? Now I must admit when I was writing this book, this principle is very personal to me because in my young life as a leader, very quickly I sensed a separation between me and some of my friends. And because I love people and I have pretty high relationship skills that was very difficult on me. It was not until years later that I realized that nothing separates people like success. And when one person is successful and that friend is not getting that major success, it just breeds all kind of potential problems and issues. And as a very young leader, I sensed a lot of sometimes jealousy and it would bother me and I would try to say, okay, what can I do to get this friendship back and get this relationship like I really want it to be? And I just found out that in the journey of life, not everybody is going to take the journey with you. Not everybody should take the journey with you. Not everybody can take the journey with you. Not everybody will take the journey with you. And it's in that journey that this separation occurs. So I look back at my days in college. There have been a couple of friends that have just absolutely been friends regardless of the journey that I've been on. They have just been my friends. And I value that friendship. I can't even express to you today what that means to me to realize that they celebrated my success. And the question I have for you and the question I have for me is, do you celebrate your friend's success or do you rationalize it? Are you intimidated by it? Do you find yourself withdrawing from it? In your notes, those early experiences taught Margaret and me a lot. Many of the lessons we learned are things that you may also find valuable. Such as, number one, the joy of the accomplishment is diminished when nobody celebrates with you. When you accomplish something and you have no one to celebrate with, it's a little bit of a hollow victory. Number two, what hinders people from success often keeps them from celebrating others' success. Wow. In other words, the very thing that hinders people from having their own personal success often keeps them from celebrating someone else's success. Frequently, the very same qualities that prevent people from achieving success, emotional insecurity, a scarcity mindset, petty jealousies, et cetera, prevent them from celebrating the success of others. They constantly compare themselves to others and find themselves wanting. As a result, they have a hard time getting beyond themselves. Joe Larson once said, my friends didn't believe that I could become a successful speaker, so I did something about it. I went out and found some new friends. I love that, don't you? It's sad, but sometimes that's what it takes. Number three, the people who celebrate with you become lifelong friends. I previously mentioned that there are a couple of friends that Margaret and I've had for 40 years now. And they have just celebrated every step of our journey. And when I'm with Dave or when I'm with Mary or when Margaret and I are with them together, when Dave leaves me, he always gives me a big hug and he says to me, John, we're friends forever. And I know exactly what he means. What he's saying is, I'm a foxhole friend with you. If you get in trouble, I'll get in the foxhole with you. If you write some more books and some of them hit the best seller list, I'm going to be the first to give you the standing innovation and high five you and say, let's go out to eat and let's have a party. What I've discovered is your friends are more likely to be foxhole friends with you than they are celebrated friends. They do a little bit better weeping with you if you weep. Are you with me? Then they do in rejoicing with you when you rejoice. When I reflect in your notes on the value of community, many thoughts come to mind. My success can be achieved only with others. My lessons can be learned only from others. My weaknesses can be strengthened only by others. My servanthood can be tested only under others' leadership. My influence can be compounded only through others and my leadership can be focused only on others. My best can be given only to others and my legacy can be left only for others. So I should commit myself to celebrate with others. That's so true. The celebration principle. I hope you celebrate with those that are around you. People principle number 21, the high road principle. The high road principle basically says we go to a higher level when we treat others better than they treat us. Or Henry Ward Beecher who said, keep a fair-sized cemetery in your backyard in which you bury the faults of your friend. The question I must ask myself, do I treat others better than they treat me? Someday I may write a book on this. It's a principle, just a principle that I want to teach for a moment now. But I have seen this lived so well by my father. My dad was a very good leader and college president for 17 years, but always kind of out front. And I can remember, especially in his college years, there were some college board members, a couple that just were just a hassle. They were just a pain. They just lived for board meetings. Anybody that lives for board meetings should not be allowed to be in board meetings. What it means is those people do nothing else, worthless. And my dad had a couple of these people that were just a pure pain. And I watched him. I watched him be kind to them. I watched him care for them. And as a young leader, I mean, I wanted to go in and do some battle. I mean, I just ticked me off. But as I now have grown older myself, one of the greatest deposits my father left me. You talk about a legacy that is imprinted on my soul. This incredible principle of a high road, perhaps of all the principles I teach relationally, this is the most dear to my heart. So for a couple minutes, I want to do a good job teaching it. You see, there are three roads that we can travel in our relationship with others. The low road, where we treat others worse than they treat us. The middle road, where we treat others the same as they treat us. Or the high road, where we treat others better than they treat us. Stay right with me. The low road damages relationships and alienates others from us. The middle road may not drive people away from us, but it won't attract them to us either. It is reactive rather than proactive and allows others to set the agenda for our lives. The high road helps to create positive relationships and attracts others to us. It sets a positive agenda with others that even negative people find difficult to undermine. High road travelers. The high road truly is the path less traveled. I say that because taking the high road and thinking and acting in ways that are not natural or common. However, those who practice the high road principle become instruments of grace to others and recipients of grace for themselves. And I've observed that these high roaders have several things in common. Number one, high roaders understand that it's not what happens to you, but what happens in you that really matters. David Brinkley observed, a successful man is one who can lay a foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at him. Number two, high roaders commit themselves to traveling the high road continually. Nearly anyone can be kind in the face of unkindness every once in a while. It's more difficult to sustain a high road attitude all the time. My friend Hector Lamarck remarked one time to me, most people make some good choices every day, but they don't make enough good choices to create momentum and obtain success. That is a powerful statement. That's a good insight on what happens for people who take the high road all the time. They create momentum. They also cultivate relational success. Why? Because responding best today puts them in the best place tomorrow. Number three, high roaders see their own need for grace, and therefore they extend it to others. I once saw a sign that read, to err as human to forgive is not company policy. It's funny, but it also hints at people's natural inclination, not to give individuals a break and act in a way that shows their human frailty. Let's face it, we're all human and make mistakes. People who take the high road recognize their humanness, know that they need to be extended grace and are accordingly more likely to extend it to others. Number four, high roaders are not victims. They choose to serve others. They're not victim. They're not taking high road because they couldn't take low road. They choose this journey. I love the story of a grandmother who was at a bridal shower for all the young women. So the young girls, they got around, you know, grandma and asked her what the success of her long marriage was to her husband. And she said something. She said, I decided before we got married to make a list of 10 of my husband's faults. And then I said, for the sake of the marriage, I took that list and I said, I will overlook those faults. And she said, every time that he would do something that was on that list, I would say, lucky for him, that's on the list. And she said, I found the secret of a successful marriage is taking the high road. I believe that with all my heart. I believe no relationship can be sustained without at least one of the two people taking major high road most of the time. Number five, high rotors set a higher standard for themselves than others would. People who embrace the high road make excellence their goal. That's something that can be accomplished if we care more than others think is wise and risk more than others think is safe and dream more than others think is practical and expect more than others think is possible and work more than others think is necessary. And high rotors, they bring out the best in others. Again, Gote advised, treat people as though they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming. Number seven, high rotors bring out the best in themselves. Read this paragraph with me. Look at it. This is amazing. Making it your practice to always treat others the best that you can affects the way you see the world and yourself. President Abraham Lincoln said, Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow. That is what the high road principle does to a person's heart over the course of time. It plants flowers where thorny weeds once thrived. If you need a little help moving to the high road then follow these directions. Number one, stay on kindness street as long as possible. Turn on forgiveness avenue. Avoid get even alley because it is a dead end. Climb to the top of the hill for there you will see the high road and take it and stay on it. And if you lose your way, ask God for help. The high road isn't often not the easiest road but it is the only one that leads to the highest level of living. We've talked about investment principles. The gardening principle. All relationships need cultivation. Okay, we stop right here. So as you can see, there's a lot of principles and a lot of things that we can talk about, admire, et cetera. The wisdom of some of these things. But the thing is that we experience the power of it only when we put it to practice. And only when we practically apply it and live it out. And for that, that requires strength that goes against the flesh. But that is something that we need to do. For us, it's good to admire this and agree with these things. But what is really required is go beyond that and apply it in our lives. Okay, so we've looked at investing in people's and investing in relationships. And we'll continue next week. Thank you. God bless you. Bye-bye.