 We are all guilty of it. Me, you, everybody else has done this at one point or another and that is oversharing. Whether it's on a first date, whether it's on social media or someone you just met or maybe your co-worker, we overshare and it becomes a problem. But Dr. Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly has some great tips and in this video we're going to talk about five tips from Brene Brown about how to stop oversharing and why you need to do it. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewire Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health and I like to pull different topics to hopefully give you some tools to help you improve your mental and emotional well-being. So if you're into that stuff make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell and disclaimer, I am not a licensed therapist, all right? I am just another guy on a journey just like you trying to improve my mental health and I try to take things that I've learned and use my experience to share them with all of you. But you know who does have some experience is Dr. Brene Brown, okay? And for those of you who don't know who she is, she's famous for her TED talk that went viral. She basically studies vulnerability and shame. She's been on Oprah Winfrey's network, the own network and stuff like that. But anyway, she does some amazing work. I did a video the other day on a part of her book, Daring Greatly and I just hit this new part of the book. I'm like, oh my god, I gotta make a video about this, all right? So in this video, I'm gonna talk about this section where Brene Brown talks about oversharing and she has some tips and these are some tips that I find very useful. So I'm gonna share some of my experience but I really want you to sit back and ask yourself, do you overshare? Why are you oversharing? What can you do to kind of prevent it? Because she calls this flood lighting, all right? And I was like, why is it called flood lighting? And basically she talks about like, when you overshare, like a person's like natural physical reaction is like, ah, right? It's almost like they got hit with the flood lights. And this is something that happens, all right? So the first thing that Brene Brown talks about is why we overshare, all right? And there's three main reasons and I have experience with this as well when I used to overshare all the time. So one, to verify that we're not good, right? So sometimes we overshare and we say something terrible that we've done or something from our past or whatever it is because we don't have a lot of self-compassion for our self-love and we see ourselves as a negative light. So we toss that out there, right? The next one is to prove that the relationship that we're in is not good, okay? This can be self-sabotage from my experience, right? Like ask yourself if you've ever been in this situation where you just start talking with somebody, you just start dating them, maybe it's the first date or whatever, and you self-sabotage by oversharing. Maybe you say the worst thing that's ever happened to you or a traumatic experience, way too much information, way too soon, right? The next one is to hotwire the relationship. So this is something that I know I used to do as well, like if I tell them something very deep and intimate and personal about my life, that'll boost us to the next level. Like if I tell them this information, then they'll have to stay with me. How can I open up and be so vulnerable with them and then not stick around, right? So I want you to ask yourself, can you relate to these things? Because if you can, don't worry, because Brene Brown has some five tips to help you through it. So one of the things that she says, which is one of my favorite quotes, I actually just tweeted it out and she says, using vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable. All right, let me repeat that. Using vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable, okay? So Brene Brown promotes being vulnerable. Like it's something that we need to do and we need to build up what she calls shame resilience, all right? We need to be able to be vulnerable. But the problem with oversharing is that it's using vulnerability for different motives that don't necessarily help us or even the other person involved. Now one thing that Brene Brown does recommend is self-compassion all around. So if you're somebody who overshares like, chill out, baby. Like recognize when you do it and learn from it. Like that's all we can do. That's all we can do. Like I'm gonna screw up. You're gonna screw up. We are all going to screw up. I was actually speaking at a high school this morning and I let him know that. Like all of us, like perfection is something that none of us are ever going to achieve. So recognize that you are going to screw up, cut yourself a break. But the best thing that we can do is learn from our mistakes. So show yourself a little self-compassion. Talk to yourself, a good practice that I've learned that works for me and might work for you, is to talk to yourself the same way you would a friend or if you have a child, right? Talk to them and talk to yourself in that same way. Now self-compassion on the other end. Like when somebody overshares with us and we have a reaction to it, you know, and then they get offended or they get upset, like we have to show ourselves some self-compassion. Like Brene Brown talks about how like, you know, we might beat ourselves up like, oh man, I should have handled it this way. I should have handled it that way. Like some of us just are not prepared. Like for example, for those of you who don't know me, I was working in a drug and alcohol treatment center for three years, but I've been working with other people with addictions and mental health issues for over six years now, since I first got clean and sober. Like I am in a space where that's just normal for me. You know what I mean? Like I hope I can hold space for other people and let them feel comfortable talking to me because I'll be honest with you, there's nothing I haven't heard. I've met so many people who have come to talk to me and they're like, you know, I don't know, you know, I don't know if I can open up about this and things like that. I'm like, trust me, I've heard it all before. They think I haven't. They say it, I'm like, yeah, you know, I've heard it. Like not to minimize their experience, but yeah. So if you are getting all this information, like you might not be the right person to hear it. Like this is one of the reasons why I promote therapy. You know what I'm saying, but we're going to get to that in a second. So anyways, she starts to talk about how to share and what to share. So Brene Brown, she speaks on a very public platform and what I love about Brene Brown, a lot of people have recommended her to me is that she is growing through this process too. She's not just a scientist that studies this stuff. Like she embraces like what she learns from the data and from the research. So Brene Brown, in order to connect with her audience, she shares about her personal experiences, but being a public speaker, she has to know when and what to share. So I have to do the same thing as a YouTuber. You, maybe it's in your work or when you're meeting new people, maybe you just go to a party and you're meeting new people. We all need to know when and what to share, like what is and isn't appropriate. So she talks about how she shares her vulnerabilities to connect with people, but there's two things. There's two things that she's always thinking about her own personal boundaries and her intentions. Like that's something that I have to do, right? Like I share a lot on this channel about my personal life and experience and things like that. I'm going to explain why in a minute, but I also have boundaries. There's certain things about myself that everybody on YouTube does not need to know or they don't deserve to know. Like here's what you need to understand or what I had to learn and you could take this, you know, with a grain of salt, if you would like, but I don't owe anybody any information that crosses a boundary of mine. You know what I mean? So I want you to kind of think about that. So here are her five tips. Okay. So the first one is only share stories that you've worked through. Okay. So like she's there's another tip that's coming up that's going to talk about this a little bit more, but like for me personally, like it was a lot easier for me to share my experiences of what I've worked through, but one of the reasons why that's a benefit is because it helps with my intentions of why I share those things because if, if I share things that I haven't worked through, then I'm only talking about the problem and no solution, right? And you know how we get down at the rewired soul, talk about the problem, focus on that solution, baby. So tip number two, don't share what she defines as intimate stories. Now here's the thing, intimate stories is going to vary from person to person. What I consider to be an intimate story might not be what you consider an intimate story. So this requires, in my opinion, it requires self-awareness, right? What are you comfortable with? But there's also this empathy, you know what I mean? Like I am an open book. I will share literally anything, but like I have to gauge who I'm talking to and is it too much on them? You know what I mean? So like, although like me, I'm just like, I'll share anything, right? Like I have to wonder like how is it going to be received? So a lot of this is like, you know, how we learn to read people. For example, I used to have wicked social anxiety and I always felt like I said too much or, you know, whatever it was like oversharing and making people uncomfortable and all that. So one of the things is like I've read books about, you know, body language and things like that, which I think is pretty important. Even though it's not an exact science, there are tales that some people give you that they're not comfortable in that conversation. Like let me ask you this, have you ever been stuck in a conversation where it's really uncomfortable and you're doing all sorts of things? Like the biggest tell is somebody's feet. So somebody's talking to and their feet start angling the other way or towards an exit. That is a sign that they're trying to get out of there, right? But sometimes people don't read that about us. So we need to be able to read that about other people. That is a great indicator in my opinion of when we are oversharing. All right. So tip number three, no stories that are fresh wounds. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Like I'm the type of person where like back when I was like using Facebook all the time and when I was in my active addiction and even an early recovery when I was still a hot mess, I would just share all of my emotions and things I was going through to the entire world, right? Like what? Like these fresh wounds, you know, those are reserved in my opinion. And Brené Brown even says this too for the people closest in my life. That's why I have a support group, people who are there for me unwilling to listen. Okay. Now tip number four, she says she follows this rule. Share yourself to teach that is being healthy, but don't do it to heal. Okay. So for example, I have to check my intentions. Why am I sharing this? Why am I sharing this or Brené Brown? Why is she sharing this? And what she's saying there is she shares her personal experiences and vulnerabilities to teach others. That's what I do too. Typically when I share one of my personal stories is to teach you. Maybe it's to let you know that it is possible to get through something, to come out on the other side, you know, hope. It's possible to have hope. Like don't lose hope. If I can do this, you can do this, right? So I share my stories to teach, but I don't hop on YouTube or I try not to even, I try not to use YouTube as therapy. YouTube is not therapy for me. You know what's therapy for me? My freaking therapist is therapy for me. You know what I mean? So I don't use this platform in order to get a feeling from you guys. And like that is something that, you know, we're going to talk about in a second, but you know, check in, like my advice would be again, take it or leave it. It's to check in with this, like on your social media usage. Like why are you sharing this? Why are you sharing an experience to show people that they can get through it too? Are you sharing an experience to inspire people? Or are you doing what Brené Brown says? Are you sharing the heel? Tip number five, don't share on to meet unmet needs. All right. Trying to fill this thing. And the way she recommends checking in with this is like, is it tied into an expectation of a particular response? So some of us share or overshare, especially on social media or even on a first date or when you're meeting new people, because we're trying to get people to, you know, validate those three things that we talked about in the beginning, like why we, why we overshare, right? Do I want people to coddle me and tell me it's going to be okay? And all of that, right? Again, there is nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but it's with who we're being vulnerable with. You know, like I have my beautiful girlfriend Tristan. I have my support group. I have all these people in, you know, in, in my life today. So like, it's, it's not always necessary for me to share something to get that validation. And I'll be honest, it's something that I struggle with, like, because all of us want validation in some way, shape or form. And like, as a YouTuber, it's, it's easy for me to just like send out a tweet, like, and saying like, Hey, I'm struggling. This is what I'm going through and that, like, for example, like, I'm not going to, you know, dance around this, like all the stuff I was, I was just going through, who am I kidding? Not even stuff I was going through stuff. I'm still going through, right? And I try to be very mindful about what I'm sharing and what is my motive? What is my intention behind it? Do I want a pity party? Do I want people to agree with me? What do I want from this? Right? Or do I want to use this as a way to teach people? Like, I'll tell you this at the end of the day, like at the end of the day, when all of this is over, when all the dust is settled, like, I want, I want people in my audience to look back, like, maybe in November, maybe December, maybe in 2020, people look back and say, dang, remember, remember all that stuff Chris went through. He's still here. Maybe I can get through this, you know, like that, that's my hope. It's not my expectation, but I hope people can see, like, you know, just when things start feeling like they're crashing down doesn't mean we necessarily have to give up. All right. So those are the five tips. Now, she has a few more tips for us to ask ourselves questions before we start to potentially overshare. One, why am I sharing this? Two, what outcome am I hoping for? Three, what emotions am I experiencing? Experiencing. Four, do my intentions around sharing align with my values? Five, is there an outcome, a response, or a lack of response that will hurt my feelings? Six, is this sharing in service of connection? Right? So this is for me, pausing, pausing, pausing. And sometimes I'm better at it than other times, but I try to personally bounce things off other people first and say, hey, do you think it's a good idea for me to, like, you know, share this or do that or, you know, whatever? Like, because I can't always trust this thing up here, like dealing with, you know, my own mental health. I can't always trust this. This thing has steered me wrong plenty of times. And if you're like me, my suggestion is to start bouncing things off of other people like, huh, right? Because sometimes we don't even know if our motives are pure, because, like, part of our own ego, at least in my experience, can be justifying my actions, right? It starts encouraging me to do things. So I try my best to bounce things off other people. I don't do it all the time, but I, I'd say if I had to put a percentage behind it, I personally try to do it like 80 to 90% of the time. Sometimes I just do my own thing. And sometimes it blows up in my face. And I look back, I'm like, dang, I really should have gotten an opinion on that first. You know what I mean? But with this pause button, like working with other people and seeing them just start to pause, strengthening that prefrontal cortex, that impulse control, they start to see benefits when they start to be more mindful and just pausing and asking themselves some questions. I've actually taken notes on this whole thing. Like if you've seen me checking my phone, I'll copy and paste like my script, if you will, down in the description where it has like the reasons why we overshare the five tips from Brene Brown, as well as the questions she recommends you ask herself, right? But I want you guys to think about this and like, let me know down in the comments, do you overshare? What do you think your motives or intentions are behind it? Like let's circle it back to the beginning of this video. Let's have a conversation down in the comments below. Why we overshare? Can any of you relate to this? One, to verify that we're not good. Two, to verify that the relationship is not good, like self sabotage, or three, to hotwire the relationship to push the relationship to the next level. Let's have a conversation down in the comments below. Let's all get vulnerable with each other. It feels nice. All right. But anyways, that's all I got with this video. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And a huge, huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon. You are all amazing. And if you are a patron, make sure you go check out the page. There is a Patreon Q&A up for March. Go submit your questions. I will be filming that next week. All right. Thanks again so, so much for watching. Thank you for your support. And I'll see you next time.