 Now, Anacin, the tablets thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and heat. The liniment that's strong yet does not burn. Present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden, for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks Transcribe. But first, today many thousands of people are thankful to their physicians or dentists for first having introduced them to that remarkable preparation called Anacin, which brings such incredibly fast and effective relief from the pains of headaches, neuritis, and neuralgia. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. Thus, in using Anacin, you are following sound principles. So ask for Anacin at your drug counter next time you suffer pains from headaches, neuritis, or neuralgia. Try these tablets on this guarantee. If you don't feel Anacin gives you all the relief you want, as fast as you want it, your money will be refunded. Easy-to-take Anacin tablets are available everywhere in handy boxes of 12 and 30 and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. I'll repeat the name for you, Anacin, A-N-A-C-I-N. Well, although she's made a lot of friends at Madison High School where she teaches English, Armis Brooks regards someone outside of school as her most cherished companion. Namely, her landlady, Mrs. Margaret Davis. Yes, Mrs. Davis is a remarkably kind and generous friend. She's always doing something for somebody. Right now, as the president of the Lady's Good Deed Club, she's on the drive to get old clothes for the underprivileged. Although I owe her four months' back rent, she hasn't even mentioned it to me. I was thinking about these lovable qualities when I joined her at breakfast last Friday morning. Honey dear. Yes, Mrs. Davis? How about coughing up the back rent you owe me? I'm sorry, Mrs. Davis. I must have gotten some water in my ears in the shower. What did you say? I said, what about the back rent you owe me? Oh, things are fine at school, thanks. It's nice of you to ask. But I didn't ask, come on. Although now that you mention that we have been terribly busy lately, we're getting ready for Founder's Day. Mr. Conklin has persuaded the Board of Education to purchase a copy of one of Auguste Rodin's great statues to be placed on the auditorium stage during the proceedings. That's all very interesting, Connie, but it's not what I started to discuss with you. Of course, if you really didn't hear me. What back rent? Oh, I remember now. It's four months, Connie. I hate to have done you, dear, but I really feel it would be for your own good. After all, when one person is in debt to another person, the first person should make some effort to turn some part of the money over to whoever has it coming. To whomever has it coming, Mrs. Davis. When speaking to anyone, particularly an English teacher, you must bear in mind that the preposition two takes the objective whom. It's correlatives being you, me, us, them, him and her. Where's the money? I ain't got it. But don't worry, Mrs. Davis, I'll straighten out everything very soon. All right, Connie. Here's some coffee, dear. Now, what were you saying about a statue at Founder's Day? Well, Mr. Conklin feels that this particular statue will be a most appropriate symbol for the students. He says it will remind them that they must concentrate on their future in a world of adults. It's a copy of one of Rodin's greatest works, The Thinker. The Thinker? I believe I've seen pictures of that. Isn't that the one that shows a man with no shirt on, sitting with his fist under his chin, watching television? Well, it isn't quite that modern, Mrs. Davis. Rodin completed The Thinker before Pinky Lee was even invented. Anyhow, I called the art gallery for Mr. Conklin yesterday and ordered the statue. It should be delivered this morning. Well, that's nice, dear. Mr. Rodin must be a very clever man. I read in the papers that he's got another statue on exhibit at the gallery called The Kiss. The Kiss? It shows a man and woman in a romantic embrace with their lips clinging like a corn plaster. The ladies in my club were furious when they went to see it. They thought it was positively shocking. But it's a work of art. You can say that again, dearie. But while I'm on the subject of our club, Connie, I wonder if you could help us out. Do you have any old clothes? Yes, I have, Mrs. Davis, but I'm wearing them to school. However, I'll ask some of my friends if they can contribute something. Lock the icebox, Mrs. Davis. It's Walter Denham. Come in, Walter. Well, good morning, Walter. It's nice to see you, dear. Thanks. I'll have ham and eggs. You're welcome. Fried or scrambled. Oh, I'm not particular. Just so there's four of them. I'll have it fixed up in a jiffy, dear. Just keep Ms. Brooks company, meanwhile. Okay, Mrs. Davis. Oh, before I forget, Walter, Mrs. Davis' club is collecting old clothes for the needy. Do you think you can contribute anything? Well, I'll be more than happy to dig up whatever I can. Gosh, Mrs. Davis is a sweet character. She's so unselfish. She really loves her fellow man. And if I may say so, Ms. Brooks, that's one of the qualities I admire in you, too. You love your fellow man. Well, thank you, Walter. How is Mr. Boynton? Now, that's what I call a crude conversational blend. Ms. Brooks, you know I don't like to overstep my bounds or presume to offer advice about things that don't concern me, but I know of a wonderful way you can get Mr. Boynton to generate a little steam. You're right, Walter. This is one of the things that doesn't concern you. How? Well, by taking him over to the art gallery tonight and exposing him to a certain statue, it's a man and a woman in a bear hug and smooching like crazy. It's called the kiss? Oh, then you've seen it. No, but I've heard enough about it to know that it shouldn't even be mentioned in mixed company. Besides, it's too hot these days to go to galleries. It is kind of warm. Oh, that reminds me, Ms. Brooks, poor Mr. Conklin has to go to school this morning in his long woolen underwear. You're just full of censorable goodies today, aren't you? No, no, kidding. It's true. Mrs. Conklin believes that the only way to cure a cold is to bake it out. Well, when I was over there this morning, Mr. Conklin sneezed a couple of times while he was dressing, and she insisted that he put him on. Oh, I felt so sorry for him. When that old thermometer starts shooting up, he'll be squirming in his swivel chair like a dervish with a hot foot. Normally, you won't get within 50 yards of Mr. Conklin without an anti-tetanus injection. What made you drop into his house? Well, it's a new policy I've just put into practice. I make it a point to let his daughter Harriet gaze at me for a few moments every morning. It sort of sends her to school feeling that life is worth living after all. Just cook the eggs. The ham is in here. Lovely day. One more remark like that, Miss Brooks, and I'll crown you with the hot water bottle that's strapped to my back. I'm sorry, sir. Mrs. Conklin thinks I'm coming down with a cold and thanks to her fanaticism on the subject, I'm rigged out in a peril that would be suitable for a ride to the North Pole. Red flannels in August. Now then, please state your business. Yes, sir. Mrs. Davis' good deed club is conducting another clothing drive, Mr. Conklin. Will you contribute? If I have any old clothes at home, you may pick them up here in my office after school. I'll have Mrs. Conklin bring them when she comes down at noon. Oh, is Mrs. Conklin coming to school today? Yes. Yes, she's promised to bring me a bowl of hot soup and an electric blanket. My only hope is that I may be electrocuted. You put one hand in the soup and wrap yourself up in the air. No, quiet! Now, before you go, tell me, has the statue you ordered for me been delivered yet? Yes, sir. There's a big crate covered with a tarpaulin right down the hall. I'm sure it contains the statue. Good, good. Mr. Stone said he might drop by today to have a look at it. The head of the Board of Education? Yes, yes. Now, just between us, he's something of a blue nose. Very old-fashioned. So I've been thinking since this statue isn't wearing any... that is, since it's in a state of complete... well, since it's... Naked? Oh! Miss Brooke! Let us say it's undraped. My thought was that in view of Mr. Stone's sanctimonious attitude about these things, we should perhaps put something on the thinker. Like a shirt, for instance. Or even something heavier. How about your long number of videos? That? You better go now. I'll think of something myself. Yes, sir. I suppose thanks are in order for your assistance in securing delivery of this statue. With the instructions you gave me, sir, it was a very simple matter. I merely phoned the gallery and ordered statue number 14 on the program. Fine, fine. You've bungled so many similar assignments for me in the past. I was afraid that you might have number 14! The thinker was listed on the program as number seven. Number seven? Yes, seven! I even repeated it for you. I must have added them up. Of all the blundering! Come in! I am in, Osgood. Mr. Stoon! Good morning, sir. Miss Brooks, what I have to say is not fit for the ears of a lady kindly cover yours. Now then, Osgood. Yes, sir? I have just had occasion to speak with the custodian of the art gallery and he has informed me that in compliance with the telephone request from Madison High, an outrageous statue called a kiss has been delivered to this institution for Founder's Day. The kiss? I demand an explanation, Osgood. Well, stop scratching yourself and answer me. Or do you have an answer? Ooh, has he got an answer? Miss Brooks, I want you to call the custodian of the art gallery and have that disgraceful piece of sculpture removed out of this school with the same dispatch you had it moved in. What are you saying, Osgood? I'm saying, sir, that it was not I who was responsible for sullying the corridors of Madison High with this scandalous exhibit. It was the dunderheaded action of the lady who stands quaking before you at this moment. Oh! It was you, Miss Brooks. Well, speak up. I'm waiting. What have you to say for yourself, young woman? Got any old clothes, Mr. Stoon? It depends when you suffer torturous pain from rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache, you want relief fast. That's the time to reach for heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn. The moment you apply it, you can feel the heat soothing warmth working to relieve your painful miseries. That's because heat penetrates deep, brings immediate relief to sore, aching muscles. Wherever you ache, just brush on heat. Heat penetrates deep, keeps working for hours to bring wonderful soothing comfort to the painful aching area. Your pain seems to disappear. Heat isn't oily, sticky, or messy. You just brush on heat with a handy applicator that comes with each bottle, and it dries in seconds. So remember, when pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable, heat's penetrating warmth gives you fast, long-lasting relief. Get heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that penetrates deep to bring immediate relief. So when I called the art gallery and asked them to remove the statue known as the kiss, I was told that due to a shortage of delivery trucks, they would be unable to pick it up until 5 p.m. There was nothing I could do about it, so when lunch period came, I went to the school cafeteria as usual, sat down at my usual table, and was greeted by a most unusual voice. Hello, Miss Brooks. Why, Mr. Boynton, what in the world are you doing here? You're keeping the date you asked me for this morning. Boy, today sure is a scorcher, isn't it? It's a lulu, Mr. Boynton. Temperature must be up around 90 somewhere. Oh, you should have seen Mr. Conklin. I was in his office a few minutes ago. He was drinking iced tea and moaning like a stricken ox. What were you doing in Mr. Conklin's office? He'd asked me to bring him a quart of ice cream. You know, but a funny thing. When I gave it to him, he didn't eat any. He just scooped out a handful and rubbed it on his forehead. He just can't take the heat, I guess. Why should the heat affect him more than the rest of us? Look, Mr. Boynton, it's a long underwear. It's a long start. Actually, Walter found out that Mrs. Conklin thinks our beloved principal is getting a cold and insisted that he wear his red flannels. Red flannels this time of year? That's pretty silly. I took mine off way back in June. But what is it you wanted to see me about, Miss Brooks? I wanted to mention Mrs. Davis' club. They're having another clothing drive. Mrs. Davis already has about a dozen suits discarded by fellas in the neighborhood. I see. I just wondered if you'd be interested in the project. I certainly am. How much are the suits? No, you don't understand, Mr. Boynton. These suits are for the underprivileged. Well... You're fighting me, Mr. Boynton. You see, Mr. Conklin told me that if his wife finds any old clothes of his at home, I could pick them up in his office after school. Of course, there's nothing definite about it, and I would like to make some kind of a showing with Mrs. Davis. Mr. Boynton, remember the suit you wore when you took me to the zoo last Friday? Yes, that was my blue surge. That's right. Remember when we stopped at the aviary and you had your back to the cage? Yes. Remember how the peacocks stopped to admire himself in the seat of your pants? Now, if you could bring yourself to donate that... Oh, please, Mr. Brooks, you're exaggerating. It's not that shiny. Besides, I'm rather attached to that old blue surge. I remember when I bought it. There was a big sale on at Sherry's department store, and when I purchased that suit, the salesman gave me a baseball bat. You should have hit him with it. I'll take whatever you can spare, Mr. Boynton. Well, I'll dig something up this afternoon, Mr. Brooks. But to get back to Mr. Conklin for a moment... Must we? He seemed quite upset by something beside the heat. He said that the large crate right outside his office contained a statue which was sent here by mistake. I've heard rumors about it. It must be a pretty racy piece of work. Mr. Conklin has threatened detention for any student caught peaking under the tarpaulin. Oh, that's ridiculous. It's just a copy of a statue called the Kiss. The Kiss? I saw a picture of that once in the Encyclopedia Britannica. And? Wow! If we wait until after school when everybody's gone, we can take a good look at the statue, if you'd like. Together? Yes, just the four of us. Brooks, I don't like it. It sounded like a prude, but that statue is... Well, it's pretty shocking. You see, it shows a man and a woman embracing. What's so shocking about a man and a woman embracing? Well, they're not only embracing. They're also kissing. Well, what's so shocking about that? Married people do it all the time. Married people? Yes. Did you ever stop to consider that the two people in that statue might be married? Say, that's an idea. Well, then it would be perfectly all right. Of course. For all we know, those two have four or five little statues at home. Honest guess, we'll return in a moment. We haven't cornered the market on headlines, but it's our firm conviction that news can't happen anywhere without a CBS Newsman on the spot or within fast-flying distance to get and report the facts. History doesn't wait on us, but we do the next best thing. CBS News maintains nerve centers in every strategic news capital. Our reporters are backed up by years of experience in the field. CBS Newsmen are a fast-living lot. Nobody can break a date and make a plane faster than a CBS Newsman. They're an oft-bidden lot, our 20th century news hawks. They're used to traveling light, fast, and often when news is making up. Bill Downs in Rome, Richard C. Hotlet in Bonn, Howard K. Smith and Alexander Kendrick in London, Robert C. Peerpoint in Tokyo, and alert observers in Cairo, Hong Kong, Stockholm, Toronto, and other world news centers are ready to move with a first word of a news break, with or without toothbrush. To get there first so CBS News can get the facts to you. Daytime, nighttime, anytime, make CBS News your headquarters for headlines. Well, Ms. Brooks made the mistake of ordering a statue called The Kiss instead of The Thinker to exhibit before the school assembly on Founder's Day. And The Kiss, although artistic, has been declared completely objectionable by the head of the Board of Education. Later that day, Mr. Conklin was waiting for the crated statue to be picked up. It's 3.30, Daddy. Are you ready to go home? No, Harriet. I am not. In pushing that confounded crated statue to a respectable distance from my office door, I ripped my trousers to shreds. If Mr. Stone should see me leaving the premises in the tattered garb of a hobo, I'd never hear the end of it. Well, Mother sent some of your other suits to the tailor this morning. What's right down the street? Shall I run over and bring one back? That's just what I had in mind. Now hurry, child. I can't wait to get out of this haggard-looking garment. I'll just be a few minutes, Daddy. Hi, Harriet. Walter, how come you're still in school? Your father put me on detention for a week. During lunch, I already thought he saw me peeking under the tarpaulin of that darn statue. But it really wasn't me. It was somebody that looked like me from the back. And when Mr. Conklin called out to him, he must have run away. And later he grabs me and reads me the riot act. Well, but that isn't fair, Walter. Can't you prove it, wasn't you? That's what I've just been planning, Harriet. They say a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Right? Right? Well, if the peeping Tom who looks like me comes back, I'll be ready for him. A bunch of the guys in woodchop helped me build a trapdoor right next to the crate. Just let that culprit try to take one more peek under the tarpaulin and down he goes into a locked room in the basement. Oh, it sounds pretty complicated, Walter, but I hope it works. You'll have to excuse me now. I've got to do an errand for Daddy. Okay, Harriet. I've got to report to him right now. I'll see you later. Who is it? Walter Denton, sir. Are you alone? Yes, sir. Then come in. I finished my detention for today, Mr. Conklin, and I, I would... Ha, ha, ha, ha! Not that idiotic simpering, Denton. Not that red flannel underwear. You look so... If you don't, there's this one. I'm sorry, sir. Say, there's your suit hanging on the chair. Why don't you put it on? Because I just took it off. Why'd you take it off? Because, Master Denton, I wanted to give you an opportunity to see for yourself how screamingly comical I look in long drawer. Yes, sir, I appreciate it very much, but... Now pick up your dunce cap and get out! All the lame brain gibbering manta banks. Oh, what's the use? Too hot to get excited. Better go into my inner office and fetch the electric fan. That'll make it nice and cool. Yes, indeed. Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Uh, Mr. Conklin? Oh, he must have gone home. Well, what have we here? A suit on the chair. He came through for the clothing drive after all. Well, I'll just take it along and thank him tomorrow. Mrs. Davis will be so happy to get it. Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Da-da-da-dun Principal's office. Osgood Conklin himself speaking. What? I can't stand around here in my... I can't wait here all day. Just forget about it, Harriet. I'll simply get back into my torn suit and sneak out the back way. All right, Daddy Bond. Goodbye. Now, where did I put that suit again? Oh, yes, right here on this empty chair. I'll just slip it on and in no time at all on this empty chair! Da-da-da-dun Here's the crate. Think I'll take a little peek at this statue before they cart it away? I'll just lift up this tarpaulin. Sorry, Ms. Brooks. I'm doing down here. I'm a victim of my own invention. I was trying to catch a guy who Mr. Conklin thought was me, so I built this trap door. But when I went and tested, it backfired on me. We've got to get out of here. Have you tried that side door? Oh, I did better than that. I locked that door from the outside. Yeah, this little old supply room comes in again until the custodian comes in on Monday. Monday? You mean we're trapped in here all alone? This is most embarrassing. Oh, I don't know. I think it's kind of clubby. Ms. Brooks, what are you doing here? Same thing you are. Only I admitted I was curious. How do we get out of here? We can. Now, this is a serious matter, Ms. Brooks. It's probably not a living soul within sound of our voices. Can I ask to anyone? Mr. Conklin. Yeah, and he's suing those red flannels. Who said can I ask to anyone? It's a woman. Ms. Brooks! We're locked from the outside, Mr. Conklin. That's got nothing to do with it. Here, this crowbar will do the trick. Is it? Oh, I get it. I get it. It's working. It's opening. We're free. Calm down, Mr. Conklin. You're hysterical. Let go of me! You'd better take his other arm, Walter. He'll hurt himself. I got him. It's nice of you to drop in, Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone's been stunned by the fall. Oh. Oh, Mr. Boynton. Ms. Brooks, what happened? You were naughty. Never mind that. Where's Mr. Conklin? I'm positive I saw him before I blacked out. Well, he became quite panicky when he saw you, Mr. Stone. In fact, only a moment ago, Mr. Boynton and Walter Denton here were each holding a sleeve of his red flannel. As you can see, they're still holding them. I don't understand. If they were each holding a sleeve of his underwear, how did he get out? Same way he got into this room. Trapped door. Mr. Stone, in the garden's last yard, was produced a record by Larry Burns, written by Al Lewis and Eddie Culler, and the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Joseph Kearns. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks.