 So, Marie, besides attraction, what's really important to create a successful, healthy, happy relationship? What you say? What I say? What do I say? You say blendable lifestyles, emotionally mature, and shared values. I whispered that too. See, most people think that attraction alone equals relationship success. We have this great chemistry. It will equal relationship success. And yet there's so many different factors for creating a committed relationship. And so today, for our audience, I want to lean into this conversation. It feels weird to say audience. That doesn't seem right. But for our followers, or for my followers, your followers as well, I want to lean into this conversation. Beautiful people out there. So Marie and I were talking about a mutual friend of ours who they've been in relationship for six years now. And yet in the beginning, what did he say to your friend? So he was from Texas and he was in Chicago and basically said that he wasn't looking for anything serious because this was like in the end of summer and he was going to be moving in the spring to Houston. So when they met, they really hit it off. Their first time they met, the sparks flew. There was a lot of chemistry. But he was up front. I'm not looking for a serious relationship, right? Right. Now, what do I typically tell my clients about men who are not looking for a serious relationship? Well, you're going to have to tell me because I don't know exactly. Well, I often say that if a man's intent isn't towards a significant relationship, you're putting a lot of faith that he's going to change his mind. Well, I don't think my friend was doing that. What did she do? She just thought, you know what, he's a nice guy that, you know, we'll just write it out. Okay. But all right. But she's also taking a risk too. Well, I don't know if she like completely stopped dating. Okay. Little by little, she was always at his place and then he moved to the building next door to us. Okay. So little by little, the relationship shifted from, I'm not looking for a serious relationship to something that did turn into a serious relationship. And this got me thinking because, again, I typically recommend that if someone isn't looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn't want to commit to that. Especially if a young woman met a man who said they didn't want to get married and they didn't want to have children, you know, you may want to have second thoughts about that person. Yeah. Well, both of them had been married before and had a difficult relationship. Yeah. So for them, the way she looked at it is, you know, we'll just write it out. And so he, when he talks about it, it's pretty funny. You should interview him. Okay. I think he's cool. What he said was, we're going to take it season by season. So they went from nothing serious to season by season. And here they are. They lived together. Six years later. Yeah. Six years later, they lived together. They completely integrated into each other's lives. They've been there for each other when one of them has been sick or something had to go to the hospital. Certainly they've had family members that have had medical conditions. They're really integrated into each other's lives. And parents that have passed away, they were there for each other. Okay. So when a man says, I'm not looking for a serious relationship, that is certain something to consider and weigh whether or not you want to invest in someone. But I, and I'm using the word bot and I don't like saying bot. And yet, which is another way of saying, but there's more to a man's capacity to commit than simply his desire. So today we're going to cover these five factors to determines a man's capacity to commit. Because this was really the, you know, it wasn't just his intent. There was more to it in this equation, if you will. And I think there's some value in the kind of exploring this. So I'm going to jump into this right now. So the first thing, and I'm going to use a prop, hopefully, will you be my Vanna White for a moment? Okay. I'm going to use a prop. Well, I'll bring it out towards the end. First factor to consider is his desire for commitment. So it's, so I want to, okay, let's use me for example. When we talked on the phone, what did I say I wanted? You wanted a relationship where you can see each other every day kind of thing. Yeah. But beyond that, I just don't think you remember, but I said I wanted a fully committed relationship that leads either moving in together with someone or getting married. I don't think we got into that. Well, I said I wanted a fully committed relationship. I was very, I wanted a serious relationship. Yeah. Okay. Well, I may not, you know, I think I did say it on one of our early phone calls, but certainly by the time we met, I was very clear that that's what I wanted. And also I got to the point where saying I wanted it with her. Okay. And here we are. Yeah. And bringing this up, there was a, there was a clear intention I wanted a life made. And you wanted the same thing too. In fact, if you actually read my dating profile, I said that in there. I'm kidding. She did read my dating profile. Okay. So I was crystal clear, but most men aren't crystal clear. So you have to kind of decide for yourself, who are you going to invest in just like our mutual friend said to herself, we're going to take it season by season. She thought, you know what? She's a nice guy. I want to see where it goes. However, she didn't put her eggs completely in this basket until that started to move toward something a little more serious. Is that right? He's a man that has four daughters and they're all grown daughters. And by that time, the daughter started coming to visit and my friend got involved with them as well. And then they liked her. So that brings up something we're going to talk about in a moment. But first you have to assess kind of on a gauge. Where does he land? And let's say if we used to scale from like a thermometer, you know, from the bottom to the top, let's say we'll call it from one to 10. What's his desire for a committed relationship? That's the first factor. The second factor is his wellbeing. Now when I talk about wellbeing, I talk about emotional wellbeing, physical wellbeing, and third structural wellbeing. You're probably wondering what structural means, right? I don't know yet. So emotional wellbeing, that's really their person's emotional maturity, their capacity to regulate their emotions. So I'm differentiating from people who are hotheads, people who have anger issues, people who have narcissistic tendency. This all is their emotional wellbeing is a factor within their wellbeing. The second part of the wellbeing is physical wellbeing. It's physical health, okay? So we're still young enough where it's not, I mean, well, you and I each have some medical stuff going on between us, right? Well, you've got your benign tremors, you know, I've got high blood pressure, you know, or I've got hypertension. I mean, yes, as long as you manage those things, it's good. Okay, but for some people that might be an issue that affects the relationship. And certainly as we age, this is something, this is a factor to consider, but certainly it could be a factor for a man who may not want to fully commit because he has health issues. In fact, men alone oftentimes don't want to connect because they have ED issues. You know, that's a very shameful place for us. So his health, his physical wellbeing is a factor in his capacity to commit. And a woman's capacity as well, I know a lot of women who because of their health conditions have a reservation to fully commit because they have a fear they're going to be rejected for that. Okay. Okay. And I was just thinking women, people in their 30s and 40s aren't really thinking of health issues. Now this is the stuff for our demographic. For those of us who are baby boomers, late baby boomers, Gen Xers, that sort of thing. This is the stuff that plays in the decision making or the capacity to commit to another human being. Now I said wellbeing, I said structural wellbeing. This is all about where their lifestyle is at. Can they pay their bills? Do they have huge alimony payments? Do they have child support? Are they struggling financially? Do they have issues going on with work? And by the way, these are all factors that if his life, his or her life, this is really for both men and women alike, the capacity to commit. Someone's life doesn't have a, you know, like a foundation to it. It can be really hard to commit to another human being. And by the way, emotional health, emotional wellbeing also includes if you have a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse, that can affect your emotional wellbeing. Do you want to talk about that for a second? What do you want to talk about? Just what your thoughts on that, like how that can affect someone has an angry relationship towards their ex, how that affects the relationship. A lot of components go into second relationships or after a divorce or something. It might not even be you and your ex, it might be you and your ex's wife or that my ex-husband's wife. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that affects your emotional wellbeing. That affects me because it affects my kids and those issues are also important to look at. Certainly, you know, for us, we're now a seasoned relationship because we've gone through four seasons. But for the early stages of a relationship, and I'm coming back to wellbeing, okay, because I said emotional, physical and structural. Emotional wellbeing is a huge factor that plays into someone's capacity to fully commit to someone. A lot of people, a lot of people, if they have a contentious relationship with an ex, they hold back committing to another person. And if they have young kids, it's hard. That's another factor to consider. So these are all these factors we're talking about, and you have to kind of gauge this. Where is this person on the gauge of wellbeing? Where is their emotional wellbeing? Is it that high 10 or is it a low two or three? Is their physical wellbeing a 10 or is it a two? And their structural wellbeing, is it an eight or is it a zero kind of thing for those that live in their basement at their parents' home? And I can relate to that. Okay, number three, I call this their attachment for you. Before I called it desire, but it's their attachment to someone. So coming back to our mutual friend, as they began to get to know each other, they each became more attached to one another. Yes. Can you lean into that for a second, what your observations were? So my girlfriend, she had not, she'd been divorced for 20 years. Okay. She'd never been in a, well, she was in a long-term relationship, but she hadn't been in one for like 15 years. Okay. So, you know, I didn't think she was going to attach to anybody because she always found something wrong with people. And in fact, at first, because he's got a Texas accent, she wasn't too sure she liked that. And she even said to me not too long ago that now she thinks his accent is just one of the cutest things about him. It's interesting how our idiosyncrasies, our neuroses, the little things that we might think would bug us become, end up being the things that we, that endear us to a person. So that's what endears her to him. Do you know what, what she does that is endears him to her? What he is. What he appreciates about her. About her. Well, you know, she's also somebody that does, that's a doer. Yeah. You mentioned that. All kinds of stuff. But one of the things that, that he had to actually calm her down about is that she wanted to do everything all the time and trying to take a train to pick up her granddaughter and bring her back into the city and all this stuff. And he's like, stop. She's an overdoer. I can do that. I'll be out there. I will pick up your granddaughter. And that'll give me a chance to, to build a relationship with her. And she was like five at the time. So it wasn't, you know, she was little. So the thing that might have bugged him eventually became one of the things that he is endeared him, him to her. Right. She wants to contribute. So she doesn't have to do so much. Okay. Okay. So I just shared the, the, the third element here is the attachment to the other person. In fact, this is where there's desire. There's lust. There's limerence. All of this is part of attachment. See, in the early stage of dating, we hyper focus on the physical realm, physical realm of a relationship. What really creates the capacity to commit is how attached you are to this person. You remember early on, you said to me, you were very attached to me. I did. You don't remember. You said it. Okay. Well, are you attached to me? Okay. Okay. And I'm very attached to you. I think as we begin to build a relationship with someone, we become more attached. And the stronger that attachment is, remember, we talked about this scale from zero to 10. The higher that attachment to this person, and I don't mean unhealthy attachment. Okay. I'm talking about a healthy attachment. In other words, this person has meaning in your life. The higher that is on the scale, the stronger the capacity this man has to commit, or you both have the capacity to commit. I think a lot of couples put too much weight on that attachment piece. I think women put a high factor on attachment without considering these things that we're talking about today. Okay. So the fourth element, the fourth factor, fourth factor. And really, I should have done this as number three because it would lead into number four. Number four is his actions of integrating you into his life and vice versa. You were just talking about that with your friend. Can you talk about that a little bit more about how they integrated into each other's lives? Well, because my friend is the perfect hostess and he had to work. So she was the one hosting his daughters when they came to visit. And so that was, it was really nice. So he would get home and his daughters would fill him in on the day that my friend did for them. You know, one thing you told me about your friend, he has four daughters. And by the way, I think a man who has four daughters treats women different than men. Maybe that has a single daughter because there could be, you know, an unhealthy relationship there. And I don't mean sexual. I just mean emotional. And certainly men who have boys maybe don't appreciate women the same as a man who has four girls. Okay. I think there's truth to that. Yeah. So, but what's interesting is they integrated into each other's lives. That's if a man isn't integrating you into his life, just like you and I, I met your children right away. You met my children right away. You met my friends. I met your friends. We began integrating into each other's lives. The stronger that is on the scale. Remember we had from zero to 10, the stronger there's integration, the greater chance that this man has a capacity to commit to you. And by the way, the same is true for women as well. This isn't singular, even though the title of man's capacity to commit, this is people's capacity to commit is based and there's a huge that you need to really recognize that this is an important piece of the puzzle because coming back to attachment, I think in the case of your friends or our mutual friends now, their integration into each other's lives built that stronger attachment for one another. Yes. Okay. Definitely. Okay. And number five, and this might be the most critical piece is his and or hers relationship skills, relationship skills. See, I think a lot of people don't realize that most humans have terrible relationship skills and particularly I'm talking about communication skills and more importantly, the ability to resolve conflicts. One of the things I appreciate about our relationship is when there's something, I don't want to use the word wrong, but if there's something that bothers you, you don't have any reservation of speaking up. No. By the way, I've had so many women reach out. How do you do it, Marie? How have you learned to speak your truth in a kind way without being in fear? Because you have to say it from a good place. It's not accusing you of anything. Okay. But where did you learn this diplomacy? And by the way, it's not just saying it in a good place. It's the overcoming the fear to speak up. I know so many women in particular are afraid to speak their truth. Men in particular, they oftentimes do stupid things because they're afraid to speak their truth to someone. Well, and it's also using humor sometimes. Okay. Like, you know, if I go into the toilet and the toilet seat is up. Ah, it fell in. Okay. I'm guilty of it every about once a week. I forget to put the darn seat down. I, my favorite is still when she said my deodorant wasn't must not be working too well. That was her nice way of saying you've got B. Oh, but those were situational things. I think when we have, when we're upset with someone over something, maybe they, their actions didn't match their words. They were going to commit, they made a commitment to you to see you on a Friday night and they didn't call. It's being able to express your disappointment in a way that you can be seen, heard and understood. And what I'm saying here, it's for both men and women alike. This isn't singular to women. This is men's capacity to speak up to. I think most humans have terrible relationship skills, which is one of the reasons why we have a 50% divorce rate for new couples. And we have a 65, 70% divorce rate for people who have been married two or three times. I think most people have terrible relationship skills. So where do you learn to get good at this? You have an idea? One book. Is that a book? Yeah, there's a book right behind us. One of the books I would recommend, by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. One of the books I recommend, I'm going to turn here, nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Folks, this is an incredible book to learn techniques for better communication with one another. There's another book I want to recommend. Where is it? I hear you. I hear you by Michael Sorensen, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. This is a must read if you want to learn how to be better in relationship. Oh, there's actually one more book. Okay, I'm going to be rattling off books. Where is it? Can you read the title for everyone? How to be an adult in relationship? Yeah. How to be an adult. Is it backwards? Okay. How to be an adult in relationship. Folks, we have most humans that act like little children when it comes to how they operate in relationships. So these are three really good books. They're listed. By the way, in the description below is Jonathan recommended books. I highly recommend checking this out because relationship skills for both men and women are so weak that it's no wonder relationships don't succeed. Because this is actually all of these are like legs to a table. And if they're not high on the list, the capacity for someone to commit fully is going to be problematic. And I just want to put this in your consciousness. I don't think you would want to commit to somebody that's not communicating with you because that's when game playing starts. You start making assumptions what you're doing. Good point. I don't like being in uncertainty. Well, the hard part is in the early stage of dating, it's all about how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. It's all about, oh, my God, you look so beautiful. Hey, beautiful text message. Hey, handsome. How's it going? Kiss emoji. There's not real deeper dialogue. You might be sharing a bit about your past, but very rarely do people, it's through the integration into each other's identities. It's hobbies, mutual interest where people can actually get to know someone when you're doing things together versus spending it all day on text messaging. Well, and you should be asking questions too. Yeah. Because in between the how's your day going, you ask some questions. To me, it's important to know about past relationships. I'm a huge proponent of talking about past relationships. Now, I have a confession for everybody really quickly. I went on a rant. I went on a real rant where I was criticizing women and men for their behavior when they get caught up in incessant communication via the telephone. In fact, these, what I ranted about yesterday in yesterday's video, and I want to just apologize for the criticism I had towards men and women. I called them stupid, but people who engage in the cyber relationships, what I mean is they spend months, if not years communicating with someone only through text messaging, no telephone calls, no face time, only to find out, remember 90 day fiance, the guy who spent four years communicating with a woman only to find out it was a man. Well, that one's more like six or seven years. No, it's four, well, four, five, six, seven years, whatever it is. It's a long, long time. And I just, and I said, look, I want to just apologize. I called everyone stupid. But at the same time, if you want a day in, day out relationship, then quickly convert your text messaging to a telephone call, a face time, and then physically meet. Don't engage for long periods of time with somebody whom you haven't met. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. By the way, Sammy wants to tell everyone, what's that say, Marie? That rant was amazing. Yeah, I really did go off. Okay. And then Phyllis says, yes, ranting. I was not upset. Good to hear that. And Sharon says, I loved your rants. Well, thank you so much. Well, I just, I know I offended a few people by saying what I did. But at the same time, I'm illustrating a point is folks, we can't be naive here. Attraction alone doesn't equal relationship success. Chemistry alone doesn't equal relationship success. As Marie shared in the conversation, she shared values, blendable lifestyles, emotional maturity, and then what we talked about today, the five factors that a man's capacity to commit is based on these five factors. So I'll repeat them for everyone real quick and then we'll take questions. So first, his actual desire to be in a committed relationship, that's factor number one. Factor number two, his well being, we're talking about number three, his attachment towards you. Number four, his actions of integrating you into his life and number five, his relationship skills. And this is true for men and women alike. When you have these five factors at a high level of 10, the capacity commit has a greater chance than when some of these are low. Is this resonating? I hope it is. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. If you have any questions, please share this video with your friends. Please subscribe to my channel, hit that notification bell, and in the description below are a variety of different ways to connect with me. Marie, are you ready for Q&A? Sure. Folks, if you have a question, I love Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. This is in the name of my son, Connor Asley. He passed away almost five years ago. There's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. And in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute, and seeds of love. It's an orphanage for children with cancer. They've been abandoned by their parents. And where is it located? It's located in Cali, Columbia. Cali, Columbia. Cali, Columbia. I would like to give some money away to children, okay? Let's go to Q&A. Now I saw something way up here from the get go. First question. May I ask a question, Patty says. Why would a 46-year-old man want to date a 66-year-old female? She's in great shape and doesn't look a day over 45. Does he know her age? Well, he doesn't seem to care with someone. Certainly that seems like a big age difference. So there could be some factors is, hey, she looks great at 66. He wants to have sex with her. That's one possible reason. Second possible reason is she's got a lot of money and he wants to take advantage of that. That's another reason. Well, that's a possible reason. Okay, I'm not saying. Or he just happens to like her. Does he know her age? Well, you've got to answer that question for us. Do you know these people? I don't know. Has she shared her age with them? I mean, and maybe they haven't. And sometimes, it's interesting. I'm going to tell a story here. This is right after I got divorced. I remember going out on St. Patrick's Day with some friends, Greg. Okay, so we're sitting at a pub and a high-top table and there was this woman in the two tables next to us. And I was looking at her and she was looking at me and I was looking at her and she was looking at me and this went on for an hour. And I finally got the nerve to walk up and talk to her. So one of the first things I asked her, and by the way, I'm 44 at the time, I think. And I said, how old are you? Because I didn't know if she was, have I told you this story? No, but that's not how you started conversation. Well, I mean, just was curious because I couldn't tell her age. And she said she was 29. But the reason why I asked, I'm like, I'm assuming you're going to want to get married and have children, right? And she goes, yeah. And I'm like, I'm not going to have children. I'm like, I mean, I'm saying this in my head, but I realized that I didn't want to invest more time in a person if it wasn't going to be a fit for us. So, and mainly it wasn't her age. It was this is a woman who's 29 who's going to want to make babies. And I was done making babies at that point. So, so I think it's good to ask people their age. But again, my point in bringing this up is I didn't know if she was 29 or 44. I know a lot of 44 year old women. Look at you, everybody thinks you're 20 years younger. They all think you look like Kate Middleton. So, I don't know where that comes from, but anyway, I would recommend your friend, you know, not sweat it, see how the relationship goes and go from there. Okay, Dominique writes, question from an evolutionary biology standpoint, maybe a man loses interest in a woman after he's had sex. So he can go on to the next woman to impregnate as many women as possible. To some degree, this is true. Now, evolutionary biology is oftentimes based on a much younger demographic versus the demographic that I speak to. I don't know if these studies are really based on 50, 60 and seven year old men. Now, with that said, look at, I'm, look at, you would agree I'm a horny guy, you know? Not gonna say, look at her facial expressions confirm what I'm about to say. Not that I wanna go spread my seed around, but at the same time, it's very men have, men that could have a high sex drive may lose interest in someone. This is why coming back to these factors, the capacity for someone to commit, desire is just one piece of the puzzle. It's going through these other factors that create the possibility for a long-term relationship. Well, look at, most of you know, I'm not a big proponent of people sleeping on the first date and yet I know so many people that have had sex on the first date and has led to something. I've also known a lot of people that have had sex on the first date, never heard from the guy again. I'm sure you've had friends who have experienced that, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, coming back to your question, is it a evolutionary biology thing? Well, according to John Gray, he says that when a man ejaculates in his testosterone levels drop, he might actually pull away from a person, pull away from a woman because he needs to recharge his batteries. So that is to some degree, I do believe again, according to John Gray, that is something that does happen for men. What makes a man dive in are all these other factors we talked about is how does he feel about this person? Does this person share the same values? Do they have lifestyles or blendable? Is the person he's with emotionally mature? All of these factors play into the decision-making of someone wanting to go from a one-night stand into something probably more substantial. All right, let's keep going. By the way, I wanna thank Sharon T. It's so fun to have Marie on board. Thank you for the $13.99 Super Sticker. We really appreciate it. All right, let's keep going here. We gotta scroll, we gotta scroll, we gotta scroll. All right, sunshine. Do men in their mid-50s and older still wanna get married or are they only wanna relationship and live together? What's been your experience? You know, I think because of COVID, a lot of people missed having a partner. I don't know if that's the truth. That's, I just think it happened to a lot of people. A lot of people met during COVID. Yeah, we were talking about that. So I think here's the thing. If a man had a very contentious divorce, because roughly 75% of singles who are in the dating marketplace over 45 are divorced. If he had a contentious divorce, if he's paying alimony, if he's got a negative perception on marriage because of a previous relationship, they are probably less likely to want to get married. Or they might ask for pre-nups and they might have a lot of reasons why they wanna end a relationship and still stay with you, you know what I'm talking about. So my point is, marriage, a friend of mine said, marriage is a relationship between you and the government. Okay? Oh yeah. And like in the case of the relationship we were talking about, they've been together six years and we don't expect them to get married. No, in fact, I asked them. Yeah. And his response was, you know, we're happy. Why do we have to get married? Now, if it's gonna give us a huge tax break, then they'd reconsider it. He'll jump on it, okay. Okay, so what do they call each other? They don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Do you remember what they call each other? Yeah, primates. Say it again, primates. Primates. My primate. Yeah. Are you my primate? I suppose. I hope there's not a secondary one. No, no, you're my only primate. So I do believe that a significant percentage of people, remember that couple we met at the Charter House? Oh, they've been together over 30 years. They've been together 30 years. They're in their 60s, early 60s. They've been together 30 years. They're divorced and they live together and they seem to be happy. I think at least if nothing else living with someone definitely establishes a pretty solid commitment between two people. In our particular case, we went from two separate homes into a combined home. In other words, we got a lease together. We made a strong commitment to one another. But I don't think men, I think a lot of men still wanna get married. We went to a wedding just a few months ago. They're early 60s, they got married. I have so many clients in their 60s that have met someone and they either live together or have gotten married. So I don't wanna say that men in totality don't wanna get married, but certainly those that have a contentious past relationship probably have a reservation or are gun-shy towards marriage. We also have those friends that we just found out that they're not legally married. Yeah, we have a friend. They have a spiritual contract with one another. They went through ceremony and everything, but they don't have a contract with the government. And I thought after speaking to them, I have a real different appreciation towards marriage because in some ways, do I wanna have an agreement with the government or do I wanna have agreement with my partner? Because that to me matters more than what the government says, I'm supposed to do in my life. And I think you feel the same way, right? Yeah, at least at this point in my life, I don't wanna get married. I've said I wanted to. You have. Okay. You've let off. I've let off on that one. Well, because you know what occurs to me? It's really after speaking to that couple that said, look, I thought they were married, but they're not. They just don't have a legal contract with the government, but they have a spiritual contract with one another. Didn't they read their spiritual contract to us? I thought it was really beautiful what they shared because what is the fact is, is these days you can always break a marriage, okay? I mean, the reality is you can get out of it. It's not like you can't. But I think when you make an agreement to someone, it's how you demonstrate it over time that matters most. Anyway, it's my two cents on that one. Thank you so much. All right, Corny Cobb is in the house. She says, for younger people, baby making years, do you believe in living together before marriage? Do you have any thoughts on that? Well, if you certainly wanna get to know someone well, you live with them. I did not when I got married and it was, yeah, it was tough. So, you know, I've heard, I've heard, I've heard, and again, I don't have anything to back this up, but those people who live together and get married have a high divorce rate. Really? I don't like as if, but you see, I don't get that. Like, why does that create a higher divorce rate? Now, I will say people who live together and end their relationship, I think more people, the question is this, if we have a 50% divorce rate with first marriages and a 65 to 70% of divorce rate with second and third marriages, living together could maybe have a 70% failure rate for all I know or it could have a 20% failure rate. I don't know the answer to this. I think just the reality is, is relationships are complicated. I think human care bonding is complicated. For me, you know, I left my parents home, I got married. Yeah. And then I blinked and I had four kids. Yeah. And yeah, it was tough. I think had I had more life experience, I think would have made it a little bit easier. Well, certainly I'm a big proponent of, I think a man should be at least in his early 30s before he considers marriage. And quite frankly, I think 35 is a good time frame for a man because he's had, at least he's been an adult as long as he's been a child, because if from zero to 18, you're a child and from 18 to 35 or 36, that's another 18 years of adulthood, I think that's a good number. And I think women getting married at late 20s, early 30s is a good number because you've had life experience. Those people that got married very, by the way, the divorce rate for couples who got married below age 27 is something like 75%. It's ridiculously high. Oh yeah. Not our parents generation. Not our parents generation, this generation. So anyways, thanks for that question. We really appreciate it. I wanna get props to Roller Girl for the $1.99 Super Sticker for Connor. Thank you so much. I wanna once again get props to Sharon. It's so fun to have Marie on board. I agree. I'm so grateful to have you on, sweetheart. Thank you, Sharon. And Margaret's in the house. Thank you so much for the $7.99 Super Sticker. Sammy says, Marie and Jonathan is right. My FTD has an age of 24 years. He's after her money, okay? Well, that's sad. That does happen. By the way, it happens in reverse all day long. But look at Liz Taylor. What about her? She got married a million times and her last husband, he was a lot younger. Yeah. And did that one work out? Yeah. We took care of her until she passed away. Oh, okay. I forgot about it. What was the guy's name? Oh, God, it'll come to me later. Wait a minute. Sunshine says, there's a woman on YouTube who started a relationship with a man 30 years her senior. Wait, 30 years her senior. They're married now and have a kid. Her name is Mindy Minx. Okay, I'll have to check out her YouTube channel. All right, let's keep going. DC has a question. The most intense connection I've had in my life, he's an avoidant, dated six weeks. He ended it and reappeared a month ago asking, how am I doing? Do I even bother responding? And what do I even say? Isn't that called paper clipping? Why don't you, what is paper clipping? Well, remember the old word program that had a little paper clip that would give you tips? He's talking about a computer program. Yeah, yeah. Right. So they call it paper clipping because it would just pop in and say, hey. Oh, they just pop into your life. Okay, so why would a man do that? Now she said it's an intense relationship, six weeks. Okay, really that wasn't enough time to build deep trust with one another. The fact that he's reappearing is, okay. You call it paper clipping. I share the story of when Colin's, my son's video games, you know? It's always, it's interesting boys in their video games. You know, he couldn't wait to get this one video game. I think it was called Halo. And he played it and he played it and played it. And he played it intensely for six weeks. And guess what? There was a new video game he wanted. So he put Halo on the shelf and he went out and got this new video game and he played it for six weeks, blah, blah, blah, blah. And there was another new video game. But I said, do you ever go back to Halo? And he goes, yeah, when I'm bored. See, because it's on the shelf. See, a lot of men treat women this way because they just think you're just on some shelf that like a video game, he can go, oh, I can just plop it, put it in the game and play them while I'm still actively trying to get a new video game. That's my paper clipping, what I just shared. Most likely that's going on. Do I even bother responding and what do I say? You just go, thank you. Well, what would you say? You're always the classy woman. A guy reaches out. Okay, so you clearly had an attraction for him and you said he's the one that broke up with you. I would say, I hope you're doing well. I'm doing great. Thanks for checking in. I wouldn't read too much into it. Yeah, hope you're doing well. Thanks for checking in. It's a good way to respond. By the way, you said he's an avoidant. I don't think six weeks is enough time to truly know someone's love attachment style. My suspicion is he wasn't progressing the relationship forward. And because of that, you've labeled him avoidant and he quite possibly could be an avoidant, but he wasn't progressing the relationship forward is my suspicion. Okay, let's keep going here. Sammy has a question. What are your thoughts on friends with benefits turning into a relationship? Do you think it happens often, currently have a friend with benefit over three months and it's starting to feel like he is brewing, but there's some, there's, feels like more is brewing between us thoughts. Why are you looking at me? Because I never had friends with benefits. I've had plenty of friends with benefits. All right, I've probably had at least three or four women who have been friends with benefits. Sometimes they didn't even know about it. What I mean to say is they were under the impression, I was like very clear, we're not gonna explore a relationship together, but I think they had hopes of turning this sexual experience into something more. Then I had one friend with benefits. Okay, is it, could something be brewing possibly you know, the question is, have you discussed what you see? Okay, here's the thing. If they're a true friend and they know you want a serious relationship, you have to ask yourself, is he using you for sex only because that's the agreement between friends with benefits. If you said, look, I really want a serious relationship with somebody. And if you're not interested in something serious with me, then I think I need to put my energies towards somebody who does want a serious relationship with me. The problem when we engage in a friends with benefits relationship, we are energetically taking ourselves off the market to someone who could be a potential partner for us. So I'm not a big proponent of friends with benefits. And by the way, in my case of friends with benefits, we'd see each other once or twice a year. It wasn't like something habitual. Well, that movie friends with benefits. I didn't see it, did you? Yeah. And in the end, they ended up together. Yeah, but that's like the, that's the exception, not the rule. Right. But that's what people think, oh, you know, maybe he'll. Well, that's what a lot of women hold out for is because you've got oxytocin where you bonded with this guy and you're hoping, well, if I just give him enough, he'll change his mind. Remember, a man's capacity to commit is based on these five factors. If he's not integrating you into his life, it's highly unlikely it's gonna turn into anything serious, Sammy, okay? All right, good luck with that one. Let's miss Ashley as a question. What is the best way to communicate with a guy that you have a complete chemistry outside the bed? Wait, what is the best way to communicate with a guy that you have complete chemistry outside the bedroom but he falls short in the bedroom? Oh, okay, got it. And you never are satisfied. Ooh, you're the expert at this level. What would you do if a guy didn't satisfy you in the bedroom? Well, I mean, you have to communicate it somehow. Otherwise, you're gonna be frustrated and then the relationship's gonna fail anyway. I would talk about how you would prefer this or that. And just be more specific, give instructions. They're not mind readers, even though sometimes we think they are, they're not. No, we men like instructions. So, but there's a fear of giving an instruction because a man might feel ashamed. It might cause him to withdraw. Well, every woman is different, don't you think? No, no, that's true. That's what your likes and stuff. But we're talking about how a man would respond to instructions. It's like, how would a man respond to your deodorant isn't working well? Like you were afraid to say that to me, not afraid, but you were reluctant. Well, I wanted you to do something about it. Okay, so you weren't fearful enough to speak your truth, but you had a reservation about speaking your truth. Well, I didn't want you to be embarrassed. Exactly. So if she brings up the bedroom stuff, she's afraid he's gonna get embarrassed. Well, you can say, there are things that I prefer and this is how I would prefer it. And even say, it's kind of awkward for me to say it, because I'm not good at communicating this, but try this. Would you do it in the bedroom or outside a bedroom communicating this? Probably outside. Yeah, I was thinking outside, not in the heat of... Or come up with something, like let's do a Tantra workshop or something. I think ultimately coming from a heart-centered place of saying, Tim, whatever his name is, Jonathan, not Jonathan, Tim, Bob, Phil, whatever the name is, I'm so grateful for our relationship and I really appreciate the chemistry have outside of the bedroom. So you start with something positive. I'd like to share something with you that can enhance our sex life. Would you be open to it? So now it's about, it's a wee thing coming at it from a place of how we can improve our sex life. Would you be open to it? And suggest I have some ideas, can we try this the next time we're physical with one another? You do this outside the bedroom and then see how he responds to that. If he starts getting defensive, if he starts getting fearful, his little kid comes out, just recognize that a man's capacity to achieve a erection is, I mean, it could be a real big sore spot for us. A man's capacity to please another woman. We have this desire to want to do that. So just do it in a loving, gentle way. And hopefully he responds positively to it. Would you agree? Yeah, I think you could also turn it around and say, I'd like to, what would you like? Oh, that's a good point too. Yeah, so have a dialogue, Miss Ashley. And if you were talking about friend, we wish your friend luck, okay? Zen gals in the house. Marie, my guy is very messy. How do I address this? Don't look at me. Well, lead by example is one. Okay. That's too good. Yeah, lead by example. And, you know, like, I'll say stuff like, oh, it's so much nicer when we clean the sinks. No, you said that last night, even. Okay, but you were the one doing it. Well, am I a messy person? No, but, you know, we're, okay, that's very relative. What's that mean? What, for me? Oh yeah, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, what? It won't be messy for you. That's a good point. So, but I'd like to think I'm a good contributor. And we talked about that. This was something where we had a dialogue when we first moved in. Marie, I was a bachelor. I could go a couple of days without cleaning the kitchen if I knew people weren't over. But the minute you live with someone, you know, I was very open to hearing how she preferred to do things. And by the way, I use all the cleaning products you use. I use the towels you use. I make the pillows in the morning. I mean, you always make the bed, but I'm doing the couch and all that stuff. We're kind of a team coming back to- But the kitchen's a big deal. Yeah. I cannot wake up to a dirty kitchen. Yeah, and you, she simply said that very early on in our relationship, just this is something that's important to me. Would you be open to, you know, trying to keep the kitchen clean as much as possible? And I don't think we've ever had a fight over cleaning duties in our relationship. We don't have a fight. Yeah. Okay, let's start one. No, I'm just kidding. All right, Zengal, I hope that helps, okay? Dawn wants to say, so sorry about your son. I couldn't even imagine so far the book self love. I'm loving it. Yes, everyone, I want to give thanks Dawn for that real quick. My book called, What the Heck is Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self Up in Spiritual Work. There's a link below to get my book. This was inspired by my son who did pass away. It's coming on five years ago in two weeks, actually less than two weeks. And, you know, when Connor passed away, it really allowed me to appreciate life in a completely different way. We were watching a Netflix series last night where someone passes away. And I think death affords the opportunity to look and ask yourself, what's really important in life? And I think the most important thing is the people we love and always expressing that love. I'll share with everyone my last words to Connor, I mean, physical words. And I saw him, I think it was two or three days before he passed away. We always did the same thing. We gave each other a hug, gave each other a kiss on the cheek and we said, I love you. Those were my last physical. So I'm so grateful for that. And I make that a practice with my son. I make that, we make that a practice every time we physically see each other, both when we leave the home and when we leave or come back. It's, I think it's really important to dive into love and remember to appreciate all those in our lives that we love because life can be fleeting as in the case of my son who left at a blink of an eye. So thank you, Don, I appreciate that. Okay, we'll read this one. I can't see that part. Question, could you do a makeup tutorial or morning routine, Marie? I love you. I love how you take care of yourself and makeup is not too heavy and flawless. Thank you for that. We just got that the other day. I would love to be able to do that, but I'm just not that good. I can do my own but not, I don't think I could teach anybody how to do it. So we just had someone reach out to me asking to hire Marie to do this. So we have a couple of suggestions for everyone. First, I think we talked about go to Nordstroms and hire, get a personal shopper for the day and do yourself a day where you do personal shopping. Remember you suggested that? Well, if you go to Nordstrom, you can go get your makeup done for free. You probably should buy something and then you can get a personal shopper to help you with wardrobe. That's, I think that's a good- I know, can't you go to Sephora? Can't you go? I mean, I know you've got a Macy's, you've got all these places. They got a million women sitting there putting on makeup for people. Just make sure that it's a real makeup artist, not just a sales person that knows a little bit about makeup. Mac, they usually hire makeup artists. Oh, they do? Okay, Mac, okay. And any recommendation on products? You're not big on the expensive stuff. You know what? I have some, I don't, I'm not loyal to any brand. It's whatever works for me. I have things that are really cheap drugstore and then I have some nicer stuff that- You're borrowing my night cream. I am. It comes in a blue jar. It's about $90. I forget the brand. It starts with a TAC or something like that. And the other thing is she's like using my stuff because she likes it. I've actually, because of Marie, I actually am taking better care of my face. Now I'll say the only reason why I don't have wrinkles right now is I don't have the most perfect lighting. So you don't see every wrinkle, but I will say this night cream does seem to help. Yeah. Another thing, people, I think it's really a good idea. You can get Groupon's for like facials and stuff and just ask questions when you go get a facial and don't tell you. And I've gone in and said, look, I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on products, but can you tell me what kind of products I can buy? Cool. Hey, we've got Sammy that posted a question. $5 Super Sticker, thank you so much. Well, we just, she, this was the question, what are your thoughts on Friends with Benefit? So thank you for the $5 Super Sticker. I hope we answered your question. All right, let's keep going. Star Shine says, hi, Jonathan Marie. Nice, always nice to see you too. I lived alone for three years now. My boyfriend lives apart from me after a breakup. We still communicate living alone is heartbreaking. You know, it is, in my case, I had to learn how to be alone because I was married and attached my whole life. And I was engaged when I was 19. So it was hard, but you get to a point where you just enjoy your own company. So what I called is I just dated myself for six years. You know, there's an interesting irony between us. You had a significant relationship that ended 2016. I had a six-year relationship that ended in 2017. For the next five years until we met, six years for you, I was dating myself. I mean, I did, you and I each dated a bit out there. But we didn't get, we didn't go beyond a few dates with most people. I mean, didn't really get past a second or third date with people. I think we both had to learn to enjoy our own company. Yeah. I think when you learn to enjoy your own company, I actually, by the time I met you, I was like, I like my company, I'm fine. It was almost as if I accepted the fact that I'm gonna be okay if I don't meet some, you know, a really good life partner. And then you popped into my life. And I think kind of the same thing for you. You'd already resigned yourself to go back to travel after COVID. Yeah. Well, COVID grounded me. Yeah, or you'd be living in Mau or something like that right now. Yeah, pretty much. All right, let's take Hillary's question. Why do men who have been separated but not yet divorced still think they are ready to date? The law often requires one or two years before divorce, before divorce, but some even date before legal separated. Okay, I'm not familiar with any law that says you can't date, but why do men date? Great question. I remember I got separated in, I think it was January of 2005 or February of 2005. I was on the dating apps literally two weeks later because I wanted companionship, I wanted connection, I wanted sex, all the things that were missing in my marriage I wanted. So I was dating and I went on one date with one person and a couple of days later went on another date with another person, a couple of days and another date. And after one year, I had over a hundred internet dates. And I always kept thinking, what's wrong here? Wait, were you keeping like little chickens? No, I mean, I just have kind of a mental memory of that. But literally, I think I did. I'd meet this really nice woman, have a good time and something wasn't right. I mean, another woman. Nice woman, something wasn't right. And a hundred internet dates later, not that the internet was a way to meet people. I realized that something wasn't right was me. I realized I was the common denominator, but I had to go through all these experiences to figure this out. This is not something that, okay, first, Hilary, nobody teaches this stuff, nobody. Well, in my case, I didn't know how to date. Yeah, after your divorce, you didn't know how to date. So why do people do this? It's the simple answer is we all want to be wanted. We wanna feel connection. We wanna have physical intimacy. That's why it's called dating. Now, ladies, if you put on a chastity belt, you can really determine who a guy is if you take sex out of the equation. That good luck. I have a relative that's in her fifties and sex is never a part of the equation. And she's had long-term relationships with me. Eight-year relationships with no sex. Yeah. So by the way, part of the problem, Hilary, is quite frankly, because of our devices, because of our devices, the internet allows for an opportunity to meet someone. And frankly, the ease of obtaining sex is the barrier to entry is rather low. For the most part, you'd see it used to be the barrier of entry was you had to get married. Or yet, you know, so that was the barrier to entry to sex. Now it's like a couple of swipes away. They call it the three date rule. And the fact is, if you wanna change the narrative, you see, don't care what other men do, Hilary. Care about what you do. Don't care what they're doing. Focus on what you're doing. That's what matters most, okay? All right, hope that helps. TPY says, been seeing this man for six months. Everything goes perfect, but we never got intimate, but a goodbye kiss. He's divorced for two years and felt rejected by his wife. Should I initiate more or wait? Whoa. I've been seeing this man for six months. Okay, six months, they haven't had sex. They had a goodbye kiss. What is that one kiss? He's divorced two years and felt rejected by his wife. Should I initiate more? Well, I would initiate a conversation with him. You know, like, what do you want? Like, first off, TP, ask yourself, what do you want? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm gonna get on a rant here first. Okay, talk about your coaching. Okay, no. Okay, all right, Marie was just saying, talk about my coaching. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. First and foremost, you have to decide, not him, what do you want? Then you ask him, what does he want? And if the two of you are aligned and there's mutual attraction, then go on the roller coaster ride and see what happens. But you have to get clear on what you want. And judging by what you said here, six months, no intimacy. What is it you want? How often are you seeing each other? Are you integrating? Think about, by the way, folks, going back to the beginning of this broadcast, okay? You gotta determine his emotional, his well-being in life. You've gotta determine your mutual attraction for one other. You've gotta decide if you're gonna integrate into each other's lives and also those relationship skills. Those are the factors to be thinking about. That's what, go ahead. Has he ever said anything about what he's looking for in a relationship? These are questions that you should have asked six months ago. Exactly, exactly. Do your work ahead of time. All right. By the way, people are thanking you for the tips on Nordstroms and all that good stuff with Mac. Keep going. Let's keep going here. Oh, Sunshine says, I'm curious what your evening routine is as a couple. We're boring. You're boring. So the last couple three or four days we binge-watched Firefly Lane. Oh my God, I love this. This is on Netflix. It's called Firefly Lane. Can someone write that down? Ah, man, I was crying. It's with Catherine Hegel. Catherine, I was crying at the end. Like, I was really tiered up on this one. Really good show. We do, we binge, I mean, we not binge, but- Oh, we go out. No, we went out. We went out to dinner Monday night. We're gonna probably go out for drinks tonight. We're playing pick a ball. Tomorrow. No, Saturday. Let's see what else. But for the most part, we cook together. We're pretty chill with one another. And then we have our morning routine where most mornings I get up at around 5.36. She gets up at 7.30-ish, eight. And usually before I start my coaching day, we usually have an hour or so where we sit and have coffee and we, you know, that's our morning routine. But we get into all kinds of deeps. Oh my God, we get into deep stuff in the morning or most of the time I'm like, okay, Marie, I've got this client. I've got this, you know, perspective client. This is the dynamic. I wanna get your perspective on it. She gives me the female perspective. And most of the time we're talking about my coaching business. Or we're talking about travel or her primas or so that's, I'd give you an insight into how I'm always thinking about travel. All she does is think about where's the next trip she's going on. She got like six trips planned. Yeah, but Southwest had a big sale. I know, Southwest had a sale. All right, let's keep going. Cassandra says, I can't wake up to a dirty kitchen either. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Her pickleball is great. Okay, Sammy wants to know those five questions. Okay, again, the man's capacity commit based on these five factors. I'm gonna repeat it, the desire he has to commit, and it's a range, his well-being, his emotional well-being, his physical well-being and his structural well-being, his attachment towards you, his actions to integrate you into his life and lastly his relationship skills. These are the five factors. You must consider to determine if he has a capacity or willingness to commit. Listen, since we just did that, I think it'd be a good place to wrap up today. Okay. Folks, if you found value in this, please post a comment below. I'd like to, or if you found value, please hit that super sticker button. Hit that super thanks button if you're watching a replay so we can donate some money to some good causes today. If you've got something to say or something to add, post a comment below. If you find value in this on my channel, please hit that like button. Please share this video with friends. Please subscribe to my channel and in the description below and in the first comment, you'll be able to schedule a discovery call with me, join my private group, follow me on Instagram, get my dating vows, click on the link to Naked Recovery, Naked Divorce, Ask for Adele. These are all great organizations that I support. Okay, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving you a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Can I get one back? Absolutely. Hey everyone, thanks so much. Hope you have a great evening. I want to say good night to Margaret and Sunshine Fee and Sammy and Dan and Robin. Robin's in the house and Pamela and Amy and Gigi and TPY and Christine and Margaret and Hillary, Gigi, Ashley, Zengal, Amy, everyone. Big hugs to you all. Take care. Bye now. Bye now. Bye.