 Trigger Warning. Our video and Jeanette McCarty's book, I'm Glad My Mom Died, discusses topics such as eating disorders, sexual assault, sexual harassment, abuse, and mentions of unaliving oneself. If these topics are triggering to you, please feel free to skip this video. This video is based on the thoughts, feelings, words, and experiences of Jeanette McCarty that were told in her book, I'm Glad My Mom Died. This video doesn't reflect the thoughts and opinions of Psych2O, or the writer. If you've been on social media recently, you may have heard of Jeanette McCarty's book, I'm Glad My Mom Died. Hearing that title, most everyone had a different reaction. Some were shocked that she would say something like that. Never mind title her book that. Some were intrigued to see what her mom could have done that was so terrible. Spoiler alert, Jeanette's mom was very abusive and controlling. So much so that Jeanette was only able to feel truly free after her passing. A bit morbid, but if you're the child of a toxic parent, you may relate. What made Jeanette and her mom's relationship so toxic? And what could you look out for in your own relationships? Let's take a look at four ways Jeanette McCarty and her mom's relationship was unhealthy. 1. No autonomy. When you're a child, your parents are supposed to prepare you, so you're ready to leave the proverbial nest and have everything you need to be independent. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case for Jeanette. Her mom seemed much more interested in pulling Jeanette's strings and distracting than teaching. In her book, McCarty stated that her mother bathed her until she was 16 years old and possibly older. Her mother invaded her privacy by conducting physical exams similar to a physician or gynecologist too. 2. Humans develop in stages. According to Eric Erickson, a psychology student of Sigmund Freud, the adolescent phase of development occurs between the ages of 12 and 18. This is the phase where we begin finding ourselves, our independence, and making our own decisions. In theory, Jeanette was in the age group of an individual who should be able to care for themselves on their own, say when they need medical attention and state their own thoughts and opinions. But because Jeanette's mom never gave her that breathing room, Jeanette never developed those skills. Being in the adolescent stage or later stages and not being allowed to be independent can be a sign of an unhealthy parent relationship, just like Jeanette and her mom's. 2. Action equals love. Whenever you're meeting new people, one of the things we hear often is, just be yourself. They'll love you. Why? Because people are meant to love you for you, not for the things you do. Jeanette's mom didn't subscribe to this way of thinking. McCarty begins her book with a story about her, her mom, and her siblings watching family movies. Not home movies of birthday parties or weddings. No. Home movies of when Jeanette's mom had cancer. Mom would narrate everyone's reactions and coping mechanisms and she would treat them based on that. For example, in the video, one of Jeanette's brothers kept leaving the room to collect himself. Mother praised him, as if him being distraught over his mother's diagnosis made him a better person or child. This was very different from Jeanette. She was scream singing jingle bells. Mother chastised Jeanette for this in present day, saying how stupid she must be for not being able to read the room and see no one as happy. Jeanette was two years old in the video, but after hearing these comments at eight, Jeanette internalized them for life. This mother equated action with love. If you do for me, listen to me, don't question me, I love you. This thought process is consistent with individuals diagnosed with narcissistic and or borderline personality disorders. If a loved one isn't doing enough or the right thing, the diagnosed individual may react by using this harshness as a coping mechanism to create distance and protect themselves from being hurt. Jeanette's mom used this to push away feelings that her daughter could have been happy that she was sick. Which absolutely wasn't true. However, it also planted the seed in Jeanette's mind that she's not intelligent and that she needs mom's approval. Thinking that she needs to do things for approval and love is another result of the unhealthy relationship between Jeanette and her mother. 3. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms When something not so fantastic happens, coping mechanisms help us to either work through it or mask it. Any Naruto fans here? Remember when Asuma died in battle and Shikimaru just buried it and kept busy so he didn't have to think about it? I know, I know, I didn't want to bring it up either. But this is an example of an unhealthy coping mechanism. Teaching positive coping strategies is a part of the caregiver role and part of that helping you leave the nest thing we mentioned earlier. From the stories Jeanette tells us, it seems like Jeanette's mom was more interested in teaching how to keep up looks than healthy coping strategies. In her book, McCurdy was very open about her mother introducing her to food restrictions. When she was able to follow the diet mom laid down for her, Jeanette felt like she was in control of herself, her looks and her life overall. As she got older, became more famous and had more opportunities, Jeanette noticed that she was in more situations that included food. It was stressful for Jeanette to not follow mom's orders, but it was also stressful when people noticed her not eating. McCurdy explains that this is when she began purging. This became a coping mechanism, a way of holding on to control, a way of making everything okay. Instead of working through feelings, thoughts and situations, as time went on, Jeanette developed her unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking and like chikamaru, burying her opinions. These negative coping mechanisms are one more way Jeanette and her mom's relationship wasn't a healthy one. 4. Brainwashing Did you know brainwashing is actually real? Now we're not talking about those little pen thingies from Men in Black. In this book, Traumatic Narcissism, Daniel Shaw defines traumatic narcissism as a form of trauma triggered by being denied a right to individuality and boundaries are broken. If successful, the narcissist can brainwash their target to become an extension of them and always seek their approval. Kind of like in South Park when Cartman fused with the Trapper Keeper. Jeanette's mom seemed to have a similar narcissistic brainwashing hold on her daughter. There were multiple times in the book where Jeanette recalled herself thinking, I'm nothing without mom. Even though Jeanette was talented, intelligent, funny and successful all on her own, it was never enough without mom's approval. This lack of self-worth even bled over into Jeanette's relationships with her employers. When working with directors, Jeanette would stifle any concerns like saying a line that made her uncomfortable and do it anyway in hopes of gaining their approval to boost herself worth. In any healthy relationship, you should be building that person up and giving healthy constructive criticism when needed. And this is just another way Jeanette's relationship with her mom wasn't a healthy one. And these are just some of the reasons why Jeanette and her mom didn't have a healthy parent-child relationship. Are there signs of a toxic relationship you've seen that we didn't mention? Drop a book emoji in the comments and let us know. If you want to know more about the relationship, pick up the book I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCarty, not sponsored. As always, keep an eye on Cy for more Psych2Go content. Until next time, all references used in and to create this video are listed below.