 Craft presents The Great Gilder Sleeve. You bet. Today, March, you're on a complete line of famous quality food products. Presents Harold Perry as The Great Gilder Sleeve. Craft brings you The Great Gilder Sleeve every week at this time. Written by John Whedon and Sam Moore with music by Claude Sweeten. Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. One of those lent and thyme foods we like to welcome back are hot cross buns. In our house, we take them hot out of the oven. And so is that white crisscross icing trickles over the golden brown crust. We like to break the buns open and spread on plenty of delicious parquet margarine. Oh man, do they ever taste good spread with parquet? Yes, buns, biscuits, bread and rolls all taste extra good when you spread on parquet margarine. The flavor is so fresh, so delicate, so satisfying. And remember, parquet adds extra nourishment to your lent and meals. Parquet is one of the finest of energy foods. And it's fortified by craft, you know, so that every pound contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. So by parquet, the nourishing spread that tastes so good. P-A-R-K-A-Y, parquet margarine made by craft. Yes, craft makes parquet. Let's join the great Gilder Sleeve, who's been practically a new man since his sister-in-law Aunt Hattie left Summerfield. We find him now occupying his official chair as the town's water commissioner near the end of the best day's work he's done in some time. Well, come on, Bessie, give me more letters to answer, more complaints to handle, more worlds to conquer. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, I don't think there are any more. Now, Bessie, when I'm in the mood for work, you better take advantage of it. Yes, sir. I never saw you like this before. Would you feel like signing a few checks for the March bill? Bring them on, Bessie. At the end of the day, the water department will owe no man a penny. Oh, give me bills, lots of bills, neat the starry skies above. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, I just don't understand you today. Well, there's nothing mysterious about me, Bessie. Haven't you ever talked to a fellow, just got out of jail? I should say not. I don't associate with those kind of people. I beg your pardon, Bessie. I was merely using a figure of speech. What I meant was, I just got out of jail myself. I'm a canary. I just got out of my cage. I'm a goldfish, and I sneaked out of my bowl. When a goldfish gets out of his bowl, he dies in about ten minutes. I know, Bessie. We had one once. He jumped out of his bowl and landed inside the piano. Then he passed away. I see. We didn't find him for several days. It made it awfully hard to play the piano. Must have made it hard to stay in the house. What I was trying to explain, Bessie, is that I feel very free today. You know, full of energy, vitality and beans. Okay. Here are the bills. Isn't that funny? All of a sudden, I don't feel like working anymore. I feel like playing. Come on, Bessie. Let's play, huh? Mr. Gilder Sleeve, we can't play. This is an offer. I don't care. Let's play anyway. Play what? Oh, anything. Ring around the rosy, drop the handkerchief, musical chairs, post office. I know what's the matter with you, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. You got spring fever. Hi, George. I wonder if that's it. Well, whatever it is, I've done a lot of work today and I'm not going to do anymore. Come on, Bessie. Let's dance. Oh, well, there's no music. Oh, we'll make our own music. Oh, give me music, give me music, meet the starry skies above. Oh, come dance with me. Oh, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Here comes somebody. What? Oh. Uncle Mark, what on earth are you doing? Well, if it isn't my favorite niece. The prettiest flower in Summerfield. You know Marjorie, don't you, Bessie? Oh, yes. Hello, Marjorie. Hello, Bessie. I just dropped in hoping I could chisel a ride home, Uncle Mark. But I can wait if you're busy. By a curious coincidence, my dear. I just decided not to do another stroke of work today. Well, I'd been doing a little shopping and I just thought maybe I wouldn't have to carry all these packages home. Quite right, my dear. You hatch away? Isn't it, darling? Oh, it's beautiful. It does something for you, my dear. Makes you look grown up. I, George, without outfit, you ought to go places. I hope some darn boy will think so, too. I get so sick of waiting for them, don't you? Absolutely disgusted. But what else is there to go out with? Well... I'll tell you what we'll do, Marjorie. You and I will go out and paint the town tonight. What do you say? Oh, I'll keep you mean it. Of course I mean it. Do you think you'd like to step out with your old uncle? You're not old. I'll bet a middle-aged woman would think you were fascinating. You'd never mind the middle-aged woman. What do you think? I think you're Prince Charming. Yes, the girl. All right, my dear, we'll make whoopie tonight. We'll go to every lively spot in town. After that, we'll rush around and wake up a few of the dead ones. We'll make a night of it. Till 11.30. Where does all this traffic come from? Everybody's hurrying home to dinner, I guess. Red line, Uncle Mort! Oh, didn't see it. You coming over here? No, but you better back up. You're in the crosswalk. I don't know why they have to change these lights so suddenly. Anything behind me? Oop! All right, and why don't you learn to drive, brother? Where's that cop marjorie? Look, isn't that Charlie Pettybone? Charlie who? Where? It is. It's Charlie Pettybone. Blow your horn at him here. Don't do that, Marjorie. I'm in bad with the cop already. Charles! I don't see any char... There's a uniform there. He must be home on leave. Why, George, it is. Hello, Charlie. Remember me? Mr. Gillesley? Oh, of course. Hello. How are you? Sure is... oh. Well, I see you remember a little marjorie, don't you? You bet. Only the last time I saw her... Well, I didn't realize I'd been away so long. You look fine, Charlie. So do you. Well, how does it seem to get back to the old hometown, eh? Oh, great. Great. Are you home for long? Two weeks. Hope I'll see you around. The light's changed, Uncle Mord. Oh, yeah. Well, come and see us, Charlie, regardless of your father and mother. By the way, Marge, what are you doing tonight? What? Goodbye, Charlie. We should have offered him a ride, Uncle Mord. You haven't forgotten you have a date with your old uncle, I hope. Charlie looks wonderful in this uniform, doesn't he? Yes, he does. Nice boy, Charlie. Nice boy. Did you see all the ribbons he had? Yeah, he must have seen plenty of action, all right. Can't be much more than 19, either. It's only a difference of three years. What do you mean? Oh, look out! Red light! Oh! How do I keep missing him? You just barely missed that woman. Why don't they look... It's E! It's Miss Goodwin! E! Come on, climb in. I'll take you where you're going. Open the door, Marjorie. Well, that's awfully nice of you. Hello, Marjorie. Hello, Miss Goodwin. I'll climb in there. Hop in, Eve. Where are you going? I was on my way home. Take you right there. You're sure it won't be out of your way? Nonsense. I'd go out of my way for you any time. Oh, you're very sweet. You know, we haven't seen each other in a long time, Eve. We ought to do something about that. Well, I've been busy. School and now the Red Cross drive. Well, I've been busy, too, but never too busy to say hello. Hello, Eve. Oh, watch it, Uncle Mord! Oh! Well, it's too late to stop. I've told you, my dear, you're too young to drive. Well, somebody ought to be driving. Dear, dear. Now, don't worry. I've never had an accident. That was my fault. See, there's Floyd Munson. Hi, Floyd. Hi, Georgia Town is full of people today. You saw young Charlie Pettybone a little ways back. Oh, really? I knew he was in town. I, um, I've been seeing a girl. I've been seeing a good deal of his mother lately. Oh? Yes, the woman's club has been helping in the Red Cross drive, and she's president, of course, a president of the woman's club. You might think she was president of the Red Cross, too. Yeah, I've always found her a little difficult myself. Difficult? But then they're all difficult. Oh, here it is, Dr. Morton. Huh? Oh, yes. It's been so long since I, well, almost went by it. Wait a minute, Eve, what's your hurry? Well, here we are, and you must be anxious to get home. Not at all. Don't rush off. What about the, well, what I was saying before, we'd never seem to see each other anymore. I'm always happy to see you, Dr. Morton. It's just that... Then how about tonight? Well, I'm not sure that I'll... Oh, Lord, what about our evening? Oh, I forgot you were back there, Marjorie. Don't worry. I might go out with Charlie Pettybone. Good idea. How about tonight, Eve? Honestly, Dr. Morton, I'm so busy with the Red Cross, I haven't any time. Of course, if I had a little help, you wouldn't like to give us a hand, would you? Sure. What's your problem, Eve? I'll clear it up in five minutes. Well, you see, Judge Hooker is chairman of the Red Cross Drive, but he's in Chicago, and he hasn't been able to get reservations back. Serves him right. So they've asked me to help out till he returns. Huh? And I've been having a perfectly awful time, particularly with the women, to begin with there's Mrs. Pettybone in her crowd. What do you want me to do about it? Well, if you could take over the chairmanship. Oh, gosh, Eve. Or just till the judge gets back, you handle these things so easily. Oh, you think so? You have a wonderful way with women, Dr. Morton. Ooh. Now, uh, Leela Ransom, for instance. Leela, what's she up to? Well, Leela and I aren't very good terms, but it's very difficult. You just leave Leela to me. I thought if you could speak to her and sort of straighten her out. Don't worry, Eve. I mean, if you could just reason with her, and, well, you know the way. I know the way, but it has nothing to do with reason. Yeah. Oh, Dr. Morton, this is such a relief. I know you'll make a wonderful chairman. You just watch that old thermometer on the city hall go up, Eve. All these women need is a little handling. I'm just the man who can do that. Something smells wonderful. Spam. An old recipe of my grandmother Beecham's. I hope you'll forgive my apron. Oh, it's pretty. Got ruffles. I'd ask you to stay to dinner only. Oh, I couldn't. No, Bertie's got our dinner waiting. I just wanted to ask you something, Leela. Yes. What's this I hear about trouble between you and Eve over the Red Cross? Trouble? Oh, you must be mistaken, Dr. Morton. Why, Eve and I are the best of friends. Oh, maybe I got it wrong. I think she's being a little bossy about the whole thing. You'd think she was running it. Well, isn't she? That's not the point. It isn't Eve anyway. It's that Mrs. Pettibone. I simply had to tell Eve I said to her, my dear, much as I admire the Red Cross, and I do, Dr. Morton, I think it's wonderful what they're doing for the soldiers, but I said to her, much as I admire it, I shall simply have to refuse to have anything more to do with the drive as long as that woman is connected with it. Oh, Leela, that's no attitude. Let me tell you what she did first, and then if you don't agree that my attitude is perfectly justified, I'll never speak to you again. Well, what did she do? Well, what didn't she do? Hogan Brothers let us use one of the windows in their store for a Red Cross display, and the idea was to have one of the ladies dress up in a Red Cross uniform and sit in the window rolling bandages. Good idea. Well, I was chosen to sit in the window. That was distinctly understood by Judge Hooker who left town. In fact, he told me he chose me because the Red Cross uniform was so becoming to me. Well, it's becoming to any woman. That's a matter of opinion. Anyway, I was to sit in the window. I had my hair done specially and everything. Well, I went down to Hogan Brothers yesterday morning at nine o'clock, and what do you think? There was Mrs. Pettibone in the window sitting in my place wearing my uniform and rolling my bandages. What do you think of that? I don't know what to say. Maybe Mrs. Pettibone is a better bandage roller. Mrs. Pettibone is a butt of fingers. Besides, it isn't as if I wanted to sit in the old window. I had a better idea, only nobody would listen to me. What was that? I wanted to raise money with a kitchen booth. A what? A kitchen booth. Sounds interesting. Tell me more. You've never heard of a kitchen booth? Well, that's how we always raise money down home. You always have a booth with a pretty girl, and even you charge a dollar a kiss. Sounds foolproof to me. I'd be willing to put a little money in a thing like that myself. Of course. Well, I remember one time, Dan and Savannah, I was running a kitchen booth for the Badawi home, and George William Hungerford came running. He was tabling love with me at the time, and his family was rich as sin. And do you know, he kissed a hundred dollars goodbye before he knew it. Well, I had to go to bed for two days, but the Badawi home got its steam table. Well, you know what you're up against in a town like this, Leela? People probably think kissing is a little undignified for the Red Cross. Why, for goodness sakes, I think it would be very good for morale. But who's gonna get any thrill out of watching that pudgy Mrs. Pettibone sit in Hogan's window and fumble with bandages? No, Leela, be fair. This is for a patriotic purpose. Well, gracious. I guess I'm just as patriotic as anybody. If you're implying that I'm not... I'm not implying anything, Leela. I just don't see how kisses are gonna win the war. Oh, so you're siding with her? I'm not siding with anybody, Leela. I'm just asking you to be reasonable. Oh, now I'm unreasonable. I didn't say that, Leela, but I'd been asked to act as chairman of this... Oh, you're the chairman. Well, let me tell you, Mr. Chairman, I don't want any part of anything that Mrs. Pettibone's connected with. But, Leela... My shop is ready, and I'm sure yours is, too. How did I ever get into this? They were this again in just a few seconds. Now a message from Kraft to the millions of American families who daily enjoy parquet margarine as a delicious spread for bread. Women tell us it's sometimes difficult these days to get parquet margarine at their favorite food store. And the simple explanation is this. Quality margarines are in bigger demand than ever before. That's especially true of spreads like parquet. The choice of millions because of its fine flavor, its long-established reputation for consistently fine quality. Kraft assures you that everything possible is being done to keep dealers supplied. All available parquet margarine is distributed fairly and equitably. So if you can't get parquet the first time, try again, won't you? The chances are your dealer soon will have a new supply on hand. Always look for, always ask for delicious, nourishing parquet. A-Y, parquet margarine made by Kraft. Let's get back to Summerfield and the great Gilder Sleeve. His second day as chairman of the Red Cross Fundraising Drive is only half over, but Gilder Sleeve's house is already buzzing with activity. I don't see how we can get any more chairs in the living room, Bertie. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, we ain't got any more chairs. Oh, well maybe Leroy could bring down that rocking chair from the attic. Leroy saw this coming, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. He's skinned out of here right after breakfast. Oh, that darn kid. Well, let's see. I guess I'll have to sit here as chairman, and there's room for three on the sofa. One here, two here, two here, and the four dining room chairs. That's 12. Then if we can... Answer that, will you, Bertie? I'll pull a piano bench around so somebody can sit on that. Yes, sir. Careful, it's a little hoop. Oh, my goodness, that's doorbell two. Which one should I answer? You answer the phone and I'll get the door, Bertie. Yes, sir. Red Cross Headquarters. Leroy's not here. Who's calling, please? No, I don't know where he is. Just a minute. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, it's the water department. Are you home? Can't bother with water today, Bertie. Uh-oh, that goes to back door. Oh, Bertie. Leroy's back to ball. I don't know, he must have taken it with him out on her. Now, you can't come in and wait, you scum. I'm sorry, but Mr. Gilder Sleeve's not at home. Goodbye. I don't think she'd believe me. Yeah, I don't care. What the devil's at the back door? There's a big truck in the driveway full of posters. The man says they're for you. Posters? Is that the man at the back door? No, the egg man's at the back door. Oh, my goodness. Tell the egg man to leave a dozen eggs and tell the other man to take the posters away. Hello? I don't care if they're painted by Tetrazini. Get them out of here. Yes, this is Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Where should the man take the posters? To Mrs. Pettybones. She's out of here. Oh, tell him to put them in the garage. Okay. Oh, yes. Hello, Mrs. Edwards. Yes, indeed. We are having a meeting tonight at my house. Yeah, 219 Lakeside. Just take the south bus around 8 o'clock, yes. That's fine, Mrs. Edwards. Goodbye. Mrs. Edwards. Well, I don't know who invited her, but you'll have to sit on the floor. Hello, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. What can I do for you this afternoon? Just give me a little peace and quiet, Pee-Vee, and a tuna salad sandwich. Tuna salad? It should be. I thought things would quiet it down at your house the last few days. Well, they had. Last night, I got myself mixed up in something new. This is the worst yet, Pee-Vee, a woman's committee. Oh. Having a meeting at my house tonight at every chair I own stuffed into the parlor. There'll be women hanged from the chandeliers. Yeah, you know how that is, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. We have those things at our house every so often. Huh? Uh, committee? No, this is purely a social affair. Mrs. Pee-Vee belongs to a reading club, and the ladies take turns meeting at each other's houses, and it works out so that the earthquake hits us about every six months. Yeah, earthquake is right, Pee-Vee. But a reading club must be fairly peaceful. Yeah, I wouldn't say that. Last year, they were reading a tree grows in Brooklyn, and there was some pretty strong talk. Some liked the ending, and some didn't. Some said it was true to life, and some said it wasn't. The club had to go back to the Atlantic Monthly to get back on an even keel. That's nothing, Pee-Vee. That's nothing. Why a committee? Here's your sandwich, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Oh, thanks. A committee far worse than any club could possibly be, Pee-Vee. Were you ever on a committee with a bunch of women? Yes, I've served. What? How'd you like it? Mr. Gilder Sleeve, some of my best customers are women. Stop thinking about your cash register, Pee-Vee. Women are fiends, and you're not. Well, I wouldn't say that. It's true, Pee-Vee. Mark my words. We're going to have to fight them before we're through. Well, Mr. Gilder Sleeve, if there ever was a war to be neutral in, that'll be the one. Listen, Pee-Vee, this committee is for the Red Cross, and these women want to kill each other over who gets credit for $100 donation from the First National Bank. Do you ever hear anything as silly as that? Well, I was on a committee with some men once. Air raid wardens a few years back. Now, remember they argued one night for two hours about whether we should paint the host card red or white. Red is the only color for a host card. Oh, and you can't see it at night. No, don't be silly. Pee-Vee, all fire engines are red. Fact remains you can see a white host card and you can't see a red one. All right, painted white. George, you argue just like a woman. You argue just like an air raid warden. What? No offense, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Some of my best customers are air raid wardens. Here, Pee-Vee. Aren't you going to finish your sandwich? No. A little milk to slash it down? No, confounded. I come in here looking for a little peace and quiet, and you get me so upset I can't eat. Talk about your women. As your chairman, if I may make a suggestion. Well, I frankly see no reason against it. Mrs. Pettigold and I can give you a very good reason. Well, if you ask me, I still think we'd do much better with a kitchen, but... Oh, really, Mrs. Ransom, if we've got to go through all that together... Ladies, if I might make a suggestion. If I might make a suggestion. No, I guess not. Been with us a long time. I didn't know whether you'd still be in session here or not. Welcome home, Judge. Thank you, Gilder. You got here just in time. Ladies, it gives me the greatest pleasure to turn this meeting over to our rightful chairman, Judge Hooker. Oh, no, no, no. Don't let me disturb anything, Gilder. I'll just sit right here. Pray proceed. But I insist, after all, you're the chairman, Judge. I'm only acting in your absence. We can't die in absence. Yeah, but, Judge... Let's get on with the meeting, shall we? Proceed, Gilder. Oh, ghost. Well, where were we? Oh, yeah, our interruption's here. Well, I'm her son. She hasn't been called for it. Oh, my goodness, you're so big. I never even recognized you in your uniform. Oh, Charles, darling, come in and meet the ladies. We are not quite through yet. You don't mind waiting? Oh, not at all. I'm not going anywhere. Girls, you all know my son. Charles is driving me home. No, no, don't move. Don't get up. I'll sit just over here. Hello there, Charlie. Oh, hi, Mr. Jillsleeve. Charles and the boy. It's an honor to have you here with us this evening. Well, thank you, Judge. Don't let me interrupt the meeting. Oh, that's all right. The judge has already interrupted it. Shall we proceed, ladies? Mr. Cham. Yes, Mrs. Ransom? Since Judge Hooker's here, I should like to ask him whether he did or did not tell me that I was to roll bandages in Hogan's window. I've told you, Mrs. Ransom, the judge personally appointed me to represent the Red Cross at Hogan. If you don't mind, Mrs. Pettibone, I'd rather hear it from the judge. Yeah, how about that judge? Which of these ladies did you choose for the honor? I am reminded of an old story about the trolley car conductor. Who, when a lady accosted him... This has nothing to do with any old story, Judge. No, it hasn't. Which of us, did you say, could sit in Hogan's window? Ladies, I find myself in the predicament of Paris when he was called upon to judge who was the fairest of women. But being of a judicial turn of mind, I lean more to the judgment of Solomon. In brief, I should like to see you both sitting in Hogan's window. The window isn't big enough for both of us. The state isn't big enough for both of us. Now, ladies, please, no petty jealousy. What's petty about? We're all working for the Red Cross here, you know. The Mr. Chairman. The chair recognizes Mrs. Pettibone. If I might be permitted to change the subject. Pray do. I should like to ask Miss Goodwin just why the public school started its Red Cross collection a day early. Well, I don't see that it makes much difference. Naturally, we wanted to make a good show. You knew very well, Miss Goodwin, the children would collect from their mothers before the woman's club could reach them. That's not true. No, ladies. You just wanted to get all the credit. Oh, no, she did not want it. Don't tell me I wasn't speaking to you anyway. Uh, ladies. Ladies, please. This isn't getting us any place. Judge, lend me a hand here. Won't you just sit there laughing, you old ghost? No, ladies. Quiet, please. My version, ladies. I should like to suggest that we have an honored guest here tonight. Young Charlie Pettibone. Or I should say, Lieutenant Pettibone. Sergeant. What's that? Sergeant. Sergeant Pettibone. I'm sorry. No offense. It might be nice if Charlie would say a few words to us. Oh, no, no, please. Oh, come, Charles. Say something to the ladies. Yeah, come on, Charlie. Tell us some of your experiences. Oh, gosh. I don't know anything to say. I mean... Tell us what it's like over there. I remember the last war. Of course, I didn't get across myself, but I remembered. I'll never forget one time we were stationed at Camp Upton and one morning the CO lined us all up. Yeah, there. What? Charlie was going to tell us about his experiences. Oh, yeah. Well, how about it, Charlie? How about those French girls over there? Yeah, how about those Mademoiselles? Parlez-vous, Francais? Oh, you did. Hey, Charlie? Yeah, come on, Charlie. Tell us all about it, huh? Well, all right. I'll tell you about it. Over where I was, there weren't any French girls. There weren't any girls of any kind, except the Army nurses and the girls from the Red Cross. I don't like to say this, and maybe I shouldn't, but coming back here and seeing what's going on, I mean around home and what I've heard here tonight, well, I've seen what the Red Cross does at the front, and I hate to think it gets this kind of a kicking around at home. Charles, if you're talking about us... Now, wait a minute, Mother. I know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you and everybody. I hope you won't get mad. But let me ask you something. You think the Red Cross workers with the Army have got time to worry about who gets the credit or who wears the uniform? They've got a job to do, and they get it done. Now, you're complaining because the school kids got out and collected a dough before you and your committee got moving. Well, I say good for them because I know the kind of support the Red Cross is giving us in the Army. And I think the Red Cross ought to get the same kind of support here in Somerville, instead of a lot of people fighting among themselves and figuring what's in it for them. And, well, this is the kind of thing that's going on. I'm sorry I came home. Guess I've said enough now. If no one else has anything to say, I move we adjourn. Second the motion. But first I want to say this. There's going to be another meeting of this committee at my office at 8.30 tomorrow morning. 8.30? 8.30. And any lady who starts any nonsense I'll punch her right in the nose. Folks, this was just a little fable. But let's remember. The big thing is for the Red Cross to keep going. They do so many vitally important things for our men that can't be done by anyone else. Their help to the wounded, the prisoners of war, their organization of blood banks, all these services must continue. So when your neighbors come around and ask you for a contribution, remember to be generous. Good night, everybody. I'm going to turn the cameras off. The Red Gelder, please. It's an international broadcasting company.