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Independent tobacco experts again name Lucky Strike first choice. Lucky Strike first choice over any other brand. LUCKY STRIKE Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last night Jack Benny invited his girlfriend, Gladys Zabisco, to attend our Sunday morning rehearsal. So let's go back and pick them up on their way to the studio. Gosh Gladys, it sure is a long bus trip from your house, isn't it? It sure is, Fede. The bus had been so crowded, I'm sorry you had to stand all the way. Oh, that's all right. Look how long you had to stand before you found a seat. Yeah. It was smart of you telling that old lady it was Crenshaw Boulevard when it was only Vermont. Oh, well, the walk will do her good. You know, Gladys, you're the first one I've ever invited to my rehearsal. I want you to see how a big star operates. You mean Phil Harris will be there? Gladys, when I said a star, I meant that... Oh, Fede, I was only kidding. Stop pouting. Well, I'm the star of the show, not Phil Harris. You hurt my feeling. Oh, I know how it is, Fede. Everyone likes to think they're the tops in their profession. Certainly. How would you feel if I said that any plumber can solder a steampipe as fast as you can? You know, everybody's proud of the things they do by them. Come set and bind. Here's where we get off. Pass the steps, son. Say, Gladys, I'm early for rehearsal. Let's go in the drugstore and get a sandwich. Okay. Here are two bacon stools right here, Gladys. Yeah, I'm hungry. What's on the menu? Flies. Sitting down, you're on your toes. Yeah. Well, let's see what's on the menu. Corned beef sandwich, 55 cents. Roast beef sandwich, 60 cents. Ham and cheese, 70 cents. Sardine sandwich, 15 cents. Steak sandwich, a dollar and a quarter. Hey, that sounds good. What are you going to have? A sardine sandwich. Yeah. Oh, Clark. Hey, just a minute. We're busy. Are you ready, Joe? Ready. Rubber gloves. Rubber gloves. Scalpel. Scalpel. Tweezers. Tweezers. Hey, what are you guys doing back there? We're picking a garlic out of a salami. Well, you can do that later. Okay. What do you have? We'll have two sardine sandwiches. Two sardine sandwiches. Would you like the domestic or the imported? Imported? Yeah. Those sardines come from Sweden, Norway, and Holland. Now, where did the domestic come from? Anaheim, Azusa, and Kukamon. Oh, well, then we'll have the domestic sardines. Well, it'll take a little while. We have to cook those over a smudge pot. Never mind the jokes. I'm in a hurry. Well, look, if you don't like the service here, go someplace else. Look, don't tell me to go someplace else. I came in here to get a sandwich. You've got to give it to me. Can't push me around. You know, I know my right. You tell him, Speedy. You've been on the freedom train. You said it. Now go get our order. Okay, okay. While you're making the sardine sandwiches, I'll have a bowl of soup. What have you got? Navy bean and soup de jure. What's the soup de jure? Navy bean. No, I'll have soup de jure. I'll have navy bean. Okay. Float the fleet and hold his eye wash. Navy bean. Hey, he's new here. Well, hurry up, will you, and get our sandwiches. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I thought I'd have a bite to eat before rehearsal. Oh, good, good. Here's the menu. What are you going to have? I think I'll have a roast beef sandwich and a corned beef sandwich. A roast beef sandwich and a corned beef sandwich? I've got two shows. Imagine ordering two sandwiches, just because you've got two shows. Wait, Dennis, this is Gladys Abisco. Hello. Haven't we met before? Your legs look familiar. Dennis, if you've met before, how come all you remember is her legs? Well, that's all I could see. She was fixing a pipe under our kitchen sink. Oh, yes, yes. In fact, I recommended her, I remember. Here you two bowls of soup. Thanks. Gee, this looks good. Hey, soup, a button. Well, how do you like that? Hey, waiter. Yeah? There's a button in this soup. Well, what do you want for 15 cents, a zipper? No, I don't want a zipper, but I demand to know why there's a button in this soup. Oh, sweetie, don't argue with him. I just won't pay for my soup. No, no, Gladys. This is on me. I won't pay for it. Now, look, look, waiter. Here's a roast beef sandwich and a corned beef sandwich. Who ordered it? I did. And what'll you have to drink? Coffee, tea, and milk. Coffee, tea, and milk? I did a guess shot last week. No. Well, come on, kids. We got a hurry, so let's... Pretty good sandwich. Come on, we better get over at the studio. Come on, Gladys. Right behind you, sweetie. Watch your step, folks. There's water all over the floor. Oh, yes, yes. I'm the manager. I hope you'll excuse it. One of the pipes behind the soda fountain sprung a leak. That's too bad. Come on, Gladys. I have no idea what caused it. Well, mister, maybe the water's backing up because you're not getting enough air through the vent. No, I checked the vent. Gladys, come on. On the other hand, maybe the washer and the union behind the waste trap is shot. Gladys, let's go. Well, well, I was... Of course, you can't always put your finger around it, but my guess is that your inside line is corroded, and the valves and the hot water intake will have to be receded. Gladys, let's go, will you? Sweetie, this is business. But this is Sunday. That's time and a half. Oh, but look at the... Oh, look, mister, if you want, I'll be glad to check all the connections. I'll even run a snake through the line and see that if there's any abstractions between the elbow joint and the flush out. Well, I would appreciate if you'd fix our plumbing. That is, if you're a friend, won't mind. Oh, I thought you knew the name. I'm a fish bag. Now, come on, Gladys, let's go. Well, it'll only take a minute. Hand me my dig. You can't fix it now. Anyway, there's nothing in there but a lipstick. And the other end is a pipe wrench. Oh. Well, Gladys, when you finish the job, I'll be over at the studio. Come on, Dennis, let's go. Say, Mr. Benny. Huh? Are you in love with Gladys Abisco? No, no, Dennis. I wouldn't call it love. We were just friends, that's all. Gee, a plumber's friend. When did you first meet her? Oh, it was just one of those unexpected things. One day, I was walking down the street, fell in an open manhole, and there she was. You know, fate. Well, love is where you find it. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Oh, hold it, kid. We better stand here on the curve for the light changes. Say, Emily, isn't that Jack Benny over there? Where, Martha? Standing on the corner. Why, yes, so it is. My. He always looked so handsome. Those sparkling blue eyes, that manly physique, that grecian profile, that regal pose. And when he smiles, something happens to my sacrileiac. That's strange, Martha. I thought South America took it away. Oh, Emily, stop joking. The trouble with you is you've never been in love. Oh, no. What about Cleveland? Cleveland? What happened there? Not Ohio. Grover. But, Emily, I always keep dreaming that someday I'll be taking an ocean voyage on the same boat with Mr. Benny, and we'll get shipwrecked, and we'll wind up alone on a desert island. Just me, Jack, and Earl Flynn. Martha, if your shipwrecked with Jack Benny, what do you want with Earl Flynn? What's the matter? Are you crazy or something? Come on, Dennis. We can cross the street now. Oh, gee, I left my music in the drugstore. I better go back and get it. All right, kid, but hurry. Don't be late for rehearsal. Oh, I won't. There's just one place for me near you. It's like heaven to be near you. Times when we're apart, I can't face my heart. Hey, Bud. Say you'll never stray more than just two lips away. Hey, Bud. Bud. Huh? This is my side of the street. Unless you want to team up. No, no. Maybe I should have taken them up. Then I'd have two shows. Nah, I'd have to play the violin and everything. Oh, well. Whoops. Hmm. It was only a bottle cap. Well, here's the studio. Good morning, Mr. Benny. Hello, Clancy. Any fan mail from me? Nope. Thank you. Geez, a nice fellow. Well, I better go in and start rehearsing. Won't you come with me to Alabama? Benny, let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and broiling hammies. Okay, okay, I'm here. And that's what I like about south in a minute, Jackson. There you can make no mistakey. Where those nerds are never shaky. Hard to taste that layer cakey. That's what I like about the south. Phil, Phil, hold it. Phil, hold it. We've got to start rehearsing. Start rehearsing? That's what I've been doing. Rehearsing? That's what I like about the south? For what? Yeah, I'm going to sing it today on your program. Oh, you are, eh? Yeah. Phil, I want to talk to you about that. Okay, go ahead. Not here. I don't want to embarrass you in front of your boys. Come on. Step out in the hall. All right. Hey, I'll be back in a minute, fellas. Okay, Jackson. What is it? Not here. Let's go into my dressing room. All right, Jackson. All right. What's on your mind? Sit down, Phil. Now, Phil, I've heard you sing. That's what I like about the south. 50 times a year for the last 12 years. And I defy you to show me where those lyrics make one bit of sense. Jackson, you've cut me deeply. I have, eh? Well, do me a favor, will you? I want you to sing. That's what I like about the south, right here and now. Sing it slowly. And I'll show you how ridiculous those lyrics are. Okay. Now, go ahead. I just want to show you. Go ahead. All right. Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and broiling hammy. And that's what I like about them. All right. That, I can understand. You have a mammy. She lives down in Alabama. And she's frying hammy eggs. Now, that's fine. That's fine. That makes sense. Now, continue. I just want to show you. Continue. There you can make no mistakey where those nerves are never shaky. You ought to taste that layer cakey. And that's what I like about them. All right. All right. Now, hold it. Hold it. Now, that, I can understand a tiny bit. Somehow, your mother added a pinch of baking powder to the hammy eggs. And it turned out to be a layer cake. Layer cakey. All right. Cakey. Cakey. Now, go on. Now, go on. I want to hear the rest. Go on. Down where they have those pretty queens, they keep on dreaming those dreamy dreams. Let's sip that absinthe in New Orleans, because that's what I like. Hold it. Hold it. Now, wait a minute. Hold it a minute. What's the matter? Look, 10 seconds ago, you were eating hammy eggs in Alabama. Now, you're sipping absinthe in New Orleans. Certainly. Now, answer me this. If you're in Alabama, how can you sip absinthe in New Orleans? Long straw. Well, all right, Phil. I'll even go along with that. Now, continue. Here come old Roy with all the news. The boxback coat and the button shoes, but he's all caught up with his union dues. And that's what I like about the South. Go on. Go on. Here come old Bob down the street. What happened to Roy? He would rather sleep than eat. And that's what I like about the South. Did I tell you about the place called Douard Diddy? It ain't no town and it ain't no city. Hold it, Phil. Hold it. I've been waiting for that. Just a minute. Oh, what's the matter? Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Phil. Phil. I have the latest Rand McNally map of the United States. Here. Here, look at it. Show me one place on it called Douard Diddy. I can see Walla Walla, Yitzalante, Ashtabula, Tukumkari, Nakadoshis, and even Waksahatch. But where in the name of Stephen Foster is Douard Diddy? I told Petrilla. Where in the name of Petrilla? Where is Douard Diddy? Jackson, I just told you. You told me what? It ain't no town. It ain't no city. It's awful small, but awful pretty. Douard Diddy. Now, don't describe it. Don't describe it. I mean, just tell me. Is it a real place? Certainly, Jackson. It ain't just a fig leaf of my imagination. But, Phil, just answer me one thing. Look, just answer me one thing, Phil. If Douard Diddy ain't no town and it ain't no city, what is it? Is it a village? Is it a hamlet? Is it a gas station? Is it a sack of vigorous? Is it crime? Is it self-affirmed or what is? What is Douard Diddy? That's all I ask. Jackson, will you wait? I'll wait. What is Douard? Don't get yourself worked up. You'll fall over. Wait a minute. You're going to pick everything to pieces. You've got nothing. What? Well, you can do that with any song. What do you mean? Well, take Frank Sinatra. Last night on the hit parade right here at NBC. NBC, which is on Sunset and Vine. Right in the middle of Hollywood. What does he sing? Rivers stay away from my door. So what? Rivers stay away from my door. It ain't rained here for four months. What about yesterday? That wasn't enough to chase a jigger of bourbon. Phil, that's a silly argument you're giving me. And anyway, what I said still goes. You're not going to sing. That's what I like about the South anymore. Now, let's get back to rehearsing. Okay, okay. Now, where's Don Wilson? Oh, he's in dressing room D rehearsing a quartet. No. Well, I better go over and see how they're doing. What a song did you hear about the place called Douard Diddy? And here comes old Roy with a boxback coat and button shoes. The shoes I can understand, but I haven't worn a boxback coat in two years. Douard Diddy. Oh, here it is. I'll just peek in and see what the quartets rehearsing. Oh, Don. Stay out of here. Can't you see I... Oh, hello, Jack. Look, Don, I just came in to see... I didn't know it was you. Oh, that's all right, Don. I'll stop licking my hand. I like sardines. Oh, yeah. Don, those paper napkins. Don, were you and the boys rehearsing? Yeah, we're doing Sonny Boy today. Would you like to hear it? Sonny Boy? Oh, yes, yes. Al Jolson's song. Now, go ahead. Are you ready, boys? Hmm. Take it. I'm upon my knee. Speedy rigs. SMFT. Speedy rigs. You've no way of knowing. There's no way of showing what you mean to me. Speedy rigs. I don't mind the gray skies. You make them blue, Effie Boone. Effie Boone. You're auctioneering Kentucky, and I know your worth. You sell those luckies the best. Yes, Speedy rigs in Effie Boone. I remember the many years ago. A pair of barefoot boys playing joyfully in the tobacco fields. And as the sun would set over the magnolia trees, they would come trudging home with their chubby little arms filled with those thick tobacco leaves. And who would meet them at the door? Dazzle Riesdale. And then on the day off, they would go to the old swimming hole, take off their clothes, and lie in the sun. And when Speedy rigs turned to Effie Boone and said, look at my back, is it burned? Effie Boone said. I'm glad the boys didn't go crazy. Thanks, Jack. I'll see you later. Well, I guess I better get in there. Jack, Jackie. Oh, hello, Gladys. How'd you get in without a pass? They thought I was going to fix the pipe. Oh. Well, did you finish your job at the drugstore? Yes. Well, we're rehearsing at Studio C, so... Wait a minute, Gladys. What's that on your finger? The hot water faucet. I can't get it off. Yeah, I was scared. I thought we were engaged. Oh, well, I'll help you with it later. Now, wait for me in Studio C. I got to go to my dressing room. Yeah, da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Hello, boss. Oh, hello, Rochester. What are you doing here? I brought your glasses down. You left them at home, and I knew you'd need them for your show. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Rochester. Hand them to me. I'll put them on. There. Funny how I could forget my glasses. You know, I can hardly see a thing, but... Say, I wonder if that was a bottle cap. What'd you say, boss? Nothing, nothing. Oh, by the way, Rochester, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I'm going to the K. Kaiser Banquet. You know, it's his 10th anniversary on NBC. Rochester, remember when NBC gave me a 10th anniversary dinner? Yeah, I remember that night. They served roast breast and sardine. Yeah. That's where I got the habit. But you know, K. Kaiser is a nice fellow. He deserves the testimonial. Say, Rochester, what do you think I ought to wear tonight? My blue shirt, suit, or my tuxedo? You can't wear your tuxedo, boss. Somebody answered the ad you put in the paper, and I ran it out this morning. My tuxedo? Who'd you rent it to? Hey, Kaiser. Oh, oh. I hope he's careful with it. Well, boss, I might as well be getting back home now. Okay. So long, Rochester. So long, boss. Now, let's see. Where are the scripts? Oh, here they are. I think they're all right. Oh, say, Mr. Benny. Yes, yes, I think they're all right. I meant to ask you, as long as you're not coming home for dinner, do you mind if I take the night off? No, no, I guess it'd be all right, Rochester. Why? Well, my aunt is visiting me, and I'd like to show her the town. Oh, you're, uh, you're aunt, eh? Yeah, she's never been to Los Angeles before. She's from way down south. Really? What part of the south? Mississippi. Mississippi, eh? What town? A little place called Do-Wide-Ditty. Where? Where? Where did you say she's from, Rochester? A little place called one? Do-Wide-Ditty. Rochester, close the door. Hmm. What's the matter, boss? Rochester, are you sure your aunt lives in Do-Wide-Ditty? Yes. See this package I've got under my arm? Uh-huh. It's from my Uncle Roy. Your Uncle Roy? What, what did he send you? A boxback coat and button shoe. Wait a minute, Rochester. Your Uncle Roy, who lives in Do-Wide-Ditty, sent you a boxback coat and a pair of button shoes? Yeah. What's the matter, boss? You look kind of pale. Yeah, yeah. I think I'll lie down. You, and Rochester, you can have tonight off if you want to. Okay, boss, thanks. Rochester, Rochester. Yes, sir. When you pass 2-D-O-C, tell Phil Harris that it's all right for him to sing. That's what I like about the South. Hmm. Can't get over it. I just, I wonder if, I just... Hello, public library? Miss, can you tell me, is there a little town in Mississippi called Do-Wide-Ditty? Hmm. What's the population? Hmm. No, no, no, that's all. Thank you very much. Yeah, never been to them. There is to no man. I wouldn't blame Phil if he, if he never talked to me again. Well, I'm not going to take this lying down. Hello? Rand McNally? I'm suing you. I guess that settles that. Imagine leaving off an important place like Do-Wide-Ditty. Back in just a minute, but first... Independent tobacco experts again name Lucky Strike First Choice. Lucky Strike First Choice over any other brand. 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Good night, folks. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.