 My name is Sam Baknin. I'm a professor of psychology and the author of Malignan self-love Narcissism Revisited and many many other books that I have written and never read Now let's start with the basic fact The more empathy you have The more enhanced or increased your empathy is The older you are and therefore the more developed your empathy The less you are able to recognize emotions in other people But wait a minute, Baknin you say all of you at once You are wrong of course what you wanted to say had you not been drinking so much is The higher the empathy The more you are able to read other people's emotions Empathy is the condition for reading and understanding other people properly So if you have a high level of empathy you Understand other people's emotions better and if you have a low level of empathy for example if you are a narcissist You are not able to recognize Decipher decode and understand emotions in other people properly, right? wrong Allow me to repeat Studies show that increased empathy and age related increasing empathy decrease Decrease as in down Your ability to recognize emotions in other people Yes, I know that all of this the Self-styled self-proclaimed experts online are telling you otherwise, but they're telling you otherwise for one simple reason They are not experts That is especially true for those whose names are bracketed with academic degrees real or fake The literature in the past ten years at least is pretty unanimous in this The higher your empathy the less The less you are able to decipher decode understand and even recognize Emotions in other people properly I Refer you to studies the most recent ones by Israel Schveely Israel Schveely is a single word. It's a family name is Israel like Israel Schveely by Agnetta Fisher and By Nannies NAWN is that would suffice these are one of these studies for example involves 830 people so there's a big studies and they show an inverse proportion an inverse Relationship between empathy and the ability to recognize emotions on this fact is critical To the topic of today's video today. I'm going to discuss how borderlines and narcissists Experience their emotions and before we go there. Let me dispense with another idiotic myth online Everyone has emotions Psychopaths have emotions Narcissists have emotions borderlines have emotions Histrionics have emotions everyone has emotions even Donald Trump has emotions everyone the thing is that Narcissists and borderlines and histrionics and psychopaths relate to their emotions Interact with their emotions differently to what healthy normal people do in a different manner in a different way and another differentiating factor is that people with cluster B personality disorders Mislabel their emotions. They mistake their emotions. They feel one thing But they call it another They slap the wrong labels the wrong etiquettes on their emotions and this is today's topic a Little primer on on emotions emotions start with cognitions Every single emotion you can conceive of Starts with a thought There's a thought a thought about yourself a thought about people around you thought about your environment a thought about the Circumstances a thought about the past a thought about the future a thought No emotion Just erupts as is it's preceded by a thought like it is true That some of these cognitions are unconscious It's a bit of a contradiction in terms unconscious Cognitions, but there are some cognitive processes Which are unconscious and they lead to the emergence of of emotions Which appear to have appeared to have materialized out of nowhere? But that's a mistake every emotion is preceded by cognition and then Cognition alone thinking alone is not enough because what people do they take these thoughts then they monitor their own bodies and Pay attention to the body So there's a thought and then there's information gleaned from the body coming from the body emanating and exuded by the body so for example, you have a thought and then you pay attention to your heart heart rate your heart is beating faster or you are perspiring your sweating or You feel an enormous pressure or headache Somatization symptoms your body is talking to your body is communicating with you Through a variety of autonomous and non-autonomous functions and this coupled with the thought if it is conscious Leads to the next stage and the next stage you try to understand why is your body reacting the way it does You invest additional thought this time. It's analytical thought. You're analyzing your body's messages You're analyzing your body's language And so you do this by paying attention to the environment by asking yourself Where am I? Who am I with the people I'm with are they friends or foes? Have I done something have they done something? So this data coming from the environment contextual intake and these are the three elements That comprise the emotion and bring it on cognition thoughts Information gleaned from the body and then data from the environment. This is the raw material Once this raw material is available You embark on hermeneutics you embark or on interpreting the raw material you ask yourself Here's the raw material. Here's what I'm what I've been thinking Here's what my body is telling me and here's information from the environment and here's how I feel But I don't have a name for it. I don't have a name for it yet What should I call it? Am I angry or am I afraid? Am I sad or Am I tired? I mean am I jealous? Am I envious or am I contemptuous? So you need to label the last stage in the emergence of emotion into consciousness and the translation of emotion to behavior and to affect This last stage involves very important dictionary function You're using a vocabulary of previously experienced emotions to Explicate to yourself to label these emotions to tell you what they are Now what do you do when your cognition is problematic? Narcissists borderlines psychopaths Drionics and a variety of people with other personality disorders and other mental health disorders. They all have cognitive deficits cognitive biases and cognitive fallacies and These cognitive deficits are very very crucial very important. They are ubiquitous. They all pervasive They affect every dimension and every aspect and every cell and every atom of The narcissist existence or the borderline's existence. They distort reality Take for example the narcissist's Grandiosity the narcissist's grandiosity is a cognitive deficit It makes him misjudge himself He has an inflated view of himself a fantastic view a view that has nothing to do with reality It's divorced from reality equally he has a devaluing devaluing Contemptuous Disdainful attitude to others. So he misjudges them for example. He misjudges the damage they can do to him So it's dangerous cognitive deficits are dangerous and they are all pervasive in the sense that the narcissist can't say Okay, I will ignore that aspect of me I will ignore this dimension of my of my brain processes of my cerebral processes I'll try to focus on something else. There's not something else Everything is affected by the narcissist's deficit the same with the borderline. They all have cognitive deficits So if emotion is critically dependent on cognition if it's it actually starts with cognition if there is no emotion without cognition if it is a sine qua nona a A Condition that is both sufficient and necessary So if emotion is so crucially dependent and so derivative on cognition then if your cognitive processes Malfold if they are defective if they are deformed if they are problematic your emotions will be as well you can't You can't have a proper healthy emotion based on a Cognitive deficit You can't really experience emotions the way healthy people do if your thinking processes have nothing to do with reality or are utterly illogical and distorted Cognitive deficits cognitive problems Cognitive issues in narcissism borderline and other personality disorders have massive effects Not only on the narcissists and the borderline's ability to emote But on the content of their emotions of the structure of their emotions on what their emotions are on the Quiddity on the essence of their emotions fundamental deficits and biases create emotions which are so so Deformed so misaligned so So miss assembled That it's very easy to miss identify them if your emotions are Bizarre outlandish It's very easy to get your emotions wrong to misjudge them One could say that the narcissism borderline not only have an external impaired reality Testing in other words, they don't only misjudge the external environment other people Reality itself, but they have an impaired internal reality testing They misjudge not only the outside landscape, but their own inner landscape And we know we know that cognition We know that emotions are crucially crucially dependent on cognition To the extent that many scholars suggest That we should not make this distinction That emotions are just a subtype a class of cognitions That emotions are actually thoughts Which provoke certain bodily and mental processes, but that's all they are thoughts many scholars advocate eliminating this ostensibly artificial Difference that we are making today between emotions and cognitions so in but at any rate no one would argue That they are very closely aligned that they are twins and we know that this is true because we have conducted Multiple and numerous experiments. There was an experiment where students Were shown photos of women male students were shown photos of women and at the same time were given a mild drug Which created a chicardia created? faster heartbeat The students trying to interpret why their hearts are beating faster They came up with the explanation that they were infatuated with the women with the photos So when your body signals to you when there are changes in your body You scramble you you try to to understand to you try to imbue your existence with meaning You're asking yourself. Why is my heart beating faster? Why am I sweating? Why is my heart beating faster and sweating when I'm watching this photo of a woman? Ah, probably I'm infatuated with them and this is one of numerous experiments and so We know that cognitions affect Emotions we also have techniques Therapeutic techniques which we which prove this beyond any doubt. There's a technique called reappraisal reappraisal is when we teach people To change the cognition That underlies a certain emotion. So the client comes and says I'm feeling sad Then we unearth the cognition behind this feeling of sadness and then we teach the client to change the cognition and Lo and behold the minute the client changes the cognition the emotion vanishes and is replaced by another emotion Which could be diametrically opposed from sadness to extreme elation and happiness So reappraisal is a very powerful technique for reframing cognitions so as to yield Emotions on demand in a way another class of therapies they're known as desensitization or exposure therapies and One of them is called approaching the avoided emotion for example approaching avoided fear So we teach people To think their way To their emotions to think their way through to their emotions if there are emotions that are avoiding like sadness or fear We teach them to think and As they think the way we teach them to Suddenly the emotions are not threatening anymore because via the cognition They totally control the emotion intensity of the motion. They modulate. They fine-tune the emotion There is no doubt in clinical settings that emotions and cognitions are two facets of the same coin and so if this is true and If borderlines and narcissists and psychopaths and histrionics and others have cognitive deficits It's tend to reason that they will have emotional deficits as well Take for example borderlines Borderlines suffer from emotional dysregulation Their emotions are so strong that they overwhelm them The borderline feels that she is drowning in her emotions The borderline feels that he is about to be consumed By his emotions that his emotions are going to drive him. I don't know to suicide 11% of people diagnosed with borderline personalities or commit suicide the borderline's emotions are clear and present dangerous and The borderline as opposed to the narcissists had failed to develop coping mechanisms The narcissists develops narcissism the false self. It's a firewall It's a decoy and it's Godlike helps him to regulate his emotions indeed many scholars suggest that Borderline is simply failed narcissism that the person with borderline personality disorder had tried as a child to develop narcissism pathological narcissism and had failed and so Borderline suffer from emotional dysregulation because they don't have active narcissistic defenses They don't have a skin in a way And so they get indirect touch with reality Reality permeates them triggers them. This is not empathy, but don't confuse this with empathy Reality triggers them and permeates them to the extent that they regard emotions as mortal enemies And so both borderlines and narcissists exhibit inappropriate affect Inappropriate effect is when they react in ways which don't sit well do not conform Are inappropriate for a certain setting? I don't know laughing in a funeral Is an example of inappropriate effect, but the theology The reason for the inappropriate effect is different in borderline and in a narcissist let alone a psychopath The borderline reacts with inappropriate effect because she is desperately trying to get a hold to get a handle to reassert control over the tsunami the emotional tsunami that is that is Inside her that is threatening to drown her from the inside The narcissists reacts with inappropriate effect because he misunderstands his own emotions The psychopaths react reacts with inappropriate effect in order to manipulate and terrify his environment. It's an intimidation tactic, but all three and the histrionic all of them get emotions Misconstrued they misjudge emotions. They miss that misunderstand what's happening inside them all of them experience inner Steering's all of them experience Volcanic eruptions and movements and in motions It's like the furniture is being moved around by some whirlwind or tornado or hurricane all of them It's have this inner turmoil have this chaos. Their personality is has a low organization. It's chaotic all of them have this but When they try to understand what's happening inside them when they compare themselves to other people who are healthy and normal They get it wrong They get it wrong and this leads me back to empathy Narcissist borderlines Psychopaths histrionics they have they have empathy deficits The narcissists and the primary psychopath they have cold empathy cold empathy is merely the reflexive component of empathy and The cognitive component of empathy the analytical component The narcissist and the primary psychopath Look at other people and they read them. Well, they scan people They especially home in and focus and zero in vulnerabilities Chinks in the armor weak points hot button hot buttons And so they have cold empathy, but the their empathy has no emotional correlate They don't experience emotions in response to their use of cold empathy So if they look at a crying person, they would notice that the person is sad They would label the person's emotions correctly. They would identify the emotion very appropriately and The psychopath would ask himself. How can I leverage this? How can I make good use of this one moment momentary vulnerability? Maybe I could end up having sex with that person or taking money from her or him But this cold empathy This ability to say this person is crying. Therefore, this person is sad does not evoke or provoke conjure up any emotional reaction in the narcissist and psychopaths So it's very difficult for them to create permanent correlations between information from the environment and Inner emotional responses if you look at the environment only analytically and Nothing happens inside you You will never understand what it means to be sad Truly understand what it means to love Because all you all you do is You you're an observer you watch you classify you create a normal database Emotional resonance database correlating certain behaviors with certain Proclaimed emotions for example if crying then said if smiling then happy But the words sad and happy would mean nothing to you Similarly the borderline Co-dependent and the histrionic they have functional empathy They have full-fledged empathy Their empathy includes the emotional component, but it is very very goal oriented Borderlines want to ascertain that they will never be abandoned. They have abandonment and separation anxiety Co-dependent is clinging And once her intimate partner to perform important Psychological functions and to cater to her needs and the histrionic is interested in hyper-emotionality and and Manipulates via seduction and flirtation and and appearance so This is functional empathy. It's functional empathy because it's not it's not other oriented It's not about the other It's about you you as a borderline you ask yourself I'm empathizing empathizing with this person because it gives me the tools to make sure that this person will remain in my life If you're co-dependent you are saying I'm empathizing with this person fully also Emotionally because this guarantees that this person will continue to love me and be be in my life and perform important psychological functions for me cater to my needs and if you're a histrionic you're saying I'm Empathizing with this person because this way I can understand him and make him fall in love with me It's functional empathy called empathy with narcissists and psychopaths Functional empathy with borderlines co-dependence histrionics. These are empathy deficits These are deformed mutant. These are mutations of empathy not healthy empathy Full-fledged emotional empathy is turned off in all these types full-fledged other Oriented empathy is turned off in all these types and why is that? because all of them experience overwhelming negative emotionality if They allow them if they were to allow themselves to truly empathize with another person They would risk their own lives The trade-off in these characters with the exception of the psychopath exception of the primary psychopath The trade-off in in all these characters is between empathizing and emoting and survival If they were to empathize and emote, they would be exposed to such overwhelming negative emotions that they may well die So they prefer not to emote at all. They prefer not to empathize at all and Instead They use primitive defense mechanisms such as splitting When they can no longer tolerate The risk of emotionality and the risk of overwhelming empathy they split They they cast the other person they convert to transform the other person into an all-bed object They devalue the other person and there's object in constancy Out of sight out of mind So these are all mechanisms that that This seriously disturbed people are using to avoid emotions and and empathy The primary psychopath has called empathy secondary psychopath has functional empathy That's why we think that borderline personality disorder is actually a form of secondary psychopathy and so This is this is the background you're beginning to see that if you're a narcissist you have Cognitive deficits your cognition is not working properly you have Deformed dysfunctional empathy called empathy You don't have the basic tools You don't have basic tools to experience emotions and to label them to recognize To say, ah, that's love. Oh, that's sadness. You don't have these ultra basic tools Same for the borderline same with the histrionic same with the psychopath some extent the codependent the basic tools that healthy people use To recognize emotions in others and by implication in themselves and to label what's happening inside them in accordance with Observe with empathizing While empathizing these are missing People with cluster B personality disorders in other words are missing the basic human experience Now I started the I started the presentation With the fact the fact is the more empathy you have The older you are and therefore the more empathy you have The more increased your empathy because there are gradations of empathy some people very tiny minority Highly sensitive people HSPs they have super developed empathy But even so empathy is not equally distributed. Some people are more empathic than others. So Then but the more empathy you have and The older you have you are Your ability to recognize emotions in other people decreases Listen to this well it's a critical insight Which we have come across in the last 10 years in psychology. Those of us who bother to read the scholarly literature Most self-styled experts online clearly never bothered to read Never bothered to read the scholarly literature. So The more empathy you have the less you are able to recognize emotions in other people But if this if this is true Doesn't it contradict what I've just said? Didn't I just spend 20 minutes telling you that the reason narcissists psychopaths and borderlines cannot label their emotions properly Is because they don't have working empathy No, that's not what I've been telling So let's Let's go over the same terrain again armed with this new insight What I've been telling you is not that narcissists and psychopaths and borderlines have less empathy than other people What I've been telling you is that they have Deformed malformed sick Mutated forms of empathy It's an entirely different argument If you take 10 healthy people Five of them have high empathy Five of them have low empathy, but it's healthy empathy proper empathy Properly formed empathy The ones with less empathy would recognize emotions in other people better The ones with more empathy would recognize emotions in other people, but will do a very bad job of it The more empathy they have the less they will be they are able to read people proper The less they understand other people's emotional landscape reactions and sensations and feelings That's a fact Among healthy people the less empathy you have the better you are able to understand other people's emotions Narcissists borderlines psychopaths Histrionics and to some extent codependent people don't have less empathy or more empathy They are not in this group at all They're not healthy. Their empathy is not healthy. Their emotional regulation is not healthy Their cognitions are problematic Unreal Fantastic sick So they don't have the basic tools Not only to understand and label and judge properly Emotions in other people They don't have the basic tools to understand what on earth is going on inside themselves What they do instead is what I call cognitive emoting healthy people when they Experience emotions they experience it so to speak wholeheartedly Their entire body is participating by the way literally the entire body is Participating in the experience of emotions. There are changes in the intestines There are changes in the macro in the gut flora. There are changes in numerous other body systems Not only in the brain Emotion any emotion is is Participatory sport the entire body is involved including the brain, of course and The emotion Is experienced in its totality and it includes a very pronounced Cognitive component and a very pronounced so to speak component of feeling and it includes the assimilation Incorporation and interpretation of sensor sensory input It's a it's a systemic enterprise When borderlines these are healthy people borderlines narcissism psychopaths do emoting when they experience emotions These are not emotions. These are truncated versions of emotions Because they stop at the cognitive level In other words, we're in a healthy person There is a process a path indeed The current thinking about emotions is what we call a process thinking so There is a path cognition Body Information from the body formation from the environment emotion. It's the path With narcissists borderlines and so on psychopaths There's cognition end of story That's it. That's where it stops These people these The personality disordered people people were classed to be They don't emote They think their emotions They analyze when they try to understand what's happening to them They analyze They compare themselves to others if they're very good with words. They verbalize so someone with a borderline might tell you Now that I think of it Yeah, yeah, what I'm feeling is love Or she may tell you I Feel something, but I don't really know if it's love Because for example when you're not near me The intensity is much lower or it disappears only when you're next to me. I feel it or She may say or he may say someone with borderline or when I When I feel when I have an emotion It's so huge. It's so intense It's so deep all devouring. It's so all-consuming that I don't have the time or the capacity meant capacity to To stop and have a look at it and analyze it. I'm just I'm just like I'm swept swept by the wave, you know so These people borderlines narcissists and especially psychopaths in history only some some extent co-dependence They think about their emotions They need to stop they need to sit down and they need to think I'm feeling something What is it that I'm feeling? Let me see. I Think it's love coming to think of it coming to think of it or I think it's anger Because last time it was anger. Yeah, I'm quite sure that last time it was anger or I'm overwhelmed. I'm drowning But what is it feel probably I'm afraid of something. I'm scared of something. What am I afraid of what is there to be afraid of? Let me look let me see Now the same process has happened with healthy people But then they segue they they seamlessly transform Into emoting and to react emotional reactivity We all look for clues in the environment as to why we feel why we feel the way we do and We all listen to our bodies Consciously or unconsciously but then Healthy people move on and they emote they feel Narcissist psychopaths and borderlines don't move on They're in a permanent state Permanent state of a puzzle Putting the jigsaw puzzles together. They are stuck at the initial phase of Analyzing cognitions thinking about it listening to their bodies Collecting or gathering cues and information from the environment and this for them is prepared to immobilize It's a perpetual enterprise never-ending enterprise leads nowhere results in nothing identifiable as emotion or affect They are like They are like, you know, you remember you remember the old records when you put the needle and the needle got stuck They're there that stuck needle The record goes on and on and on you keep listening to the same music You're never gonna get to the end of the of the song You're never gonna get to the point of the song You're not gonna you're never going to listen to 90% of the lyrics because the needle is stuck In cluster B patients cope with these horrible deficits in emotional cognizance In several dysfunctional ways is functional because they are personality disordered. The personalities are very low Levels of organization. They don't have the tools They don't have the instruments. They're not of the capacity They don't have the this the presence of mind to to reason To foresee consequences to control their impulses. They don't have all these critical machinery They are very infantile They're very to state. They're very primitive. They're very binary and so they cope with these deficits by either repressing or avoiding the emotions so the narcissist the primary psychopath They would simply not experience emotions Sometimes they would experience something something and It would bother them that they don't know what it is Because they are controlled freaks, of course narcissists and primary psychopaths It's it's all about control. They want to control the environment. They want to control other people they want because They perceive the world as hostile It's either control or be dead. So they need to control the world is out to get them Everyone is an enemy the secretary in paranoid ideation and so they need to control and if they feel something And I don't know what it is. They feel out of control. So they need to label this something So very often you would hear the narcissist tell you I love you What he's doing? He's mislabeling His dependence on you for narcissistic supply Or you would hear the psychopath saying I'm very happy actually It's probably not happiness, but it's goal attainment. He finally got there. He achieved his goal Primary psychopaths and narcissists actually don't experience emotions They accept negative emotions they experience anger or rage they experience envy and there is a criterion Diagnostic criterion in the DSM for for narcissistic personalities. So some emotions get through and these are the emotions that allow them to Lord over other people to control other people to to subjugate other people and to convert them into slaves Also also as a supply or to catch all other people charm other people these emotions get through but even then these are not real emotions For example, the narcissist is never angry He rages The psychopath is never really emotionally invested in any project or any endeavor or any activity Anyone who had sex with the psychopath can tell you this Psychopath is not really into the sex So They are not there These are people who are defined not by their existence But by their absence. These are these these orders of absence not of existence So they don't experience emotions and when negative emotions break through the pro protective veil Breakthrough the false self in the case of the narcissist or break through the feigned indifference and defiance of the psychopath When these emotions break through they're malignant. They're cancerous. They are unrecognizable to a healthy person How can you compare anger to narcissistic rage? it's like It's like the emotion is metastasized somehow The second mechanism that people will close to be used When they are faced with their inability to grasp What's happening inside them to label it to judge it properly to recognize it to tell the world what's what's going on You know when they realize this deficit So the first thing they do they repress or avoid if they are narcissistic or primary psychopath second thing they do They miss judge the intensity or the semiotics of the emotion. In other words, they miss judge the The signaling of the emotion the cue that the emotion gives them the information contained in the emotion So a histrionic for example is likely to misjudge The nature of the relationship how deep it is how long lasting how involved the parties are This is such this is so true That misjudging the intensity of romantic emotions is one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM for for histrionic personality disorder They are totally clueless Totally clueless They misread everything social cues sexual cues Virtue signaling proper signaling information of all kinds environmental sexual interpersonal This is their way their way of Avoiding the painful realization That they are divorced from themselves that they have no access to themselves that their emotions are artifacts way beyond their reach and so instead of admitting to this what they do they Construct their own dictionary their own vocabulary their own private language written no one else frankly understands and they impose it They impose it on other people. They impose it on the environment After one day, you are the if you if you date a histrionic after one day, you are the love of her life and On the second that she wants to marry It's her way of Asking herself. What am I feeling? What are my emotions with this guy? Oh? Probably I'm in love with it Probably I'm in love with him Looks like he stands to reason stand to stand to reason that I'm in love makes sense that I would love with it Well, if I would love with him why wait, let's get married This is radicalization and escalation Which I would I could call it even semantic escalation escalation of meanings and The third mechanism is dissociation dissociating the emotions If you can't join them beat them if you can't Understand your emotions if you can't label them you can judge them you can recognize them if you cannot communicate them to others Why have them at all? Dissociate them cut them off Seizure them seizure them away like so many coupons in an ancient newspaper. Just pretend. They're not there Pretend they're not there and this happens with borderline personality disorder in the secondary psychopath the borderline which today we think is female secondary psychopathy borderline Essentially what she what she does she leverages she uses several Very important defense mechanisms which survive from childhood infantile defense mechanisms in order to dissociate her emotions Dissociation is a diagnostic criterion of borderline personality disorder because a borderline dissociates on multiple levels and in every conceivable way She depersonalizes a borderline would tell you I felt that I was on autopilot. I felt it wasn't me I felt I was observing myself from the outside She derealizes she can say I felt I was in a movie. I Felt the whole thing was unreal Or she has dissociative amnesia She will insist that she can't remember what had happened what she had done. She will attribute it to drink. I Drank too much. So I had a blackout. I mean she she would dissociate and While dissociating the emotions she makes use of her object in constancy It's very difficult to forget your emotions if you have no object in constancy out of sight out of mind You are married. You have a spouse you go out. He no longer exists because out of sight out of mind and So then it's easy to do all kinds of things to misbehave because he's he no longer is and Because he no longer is there are no emotions Attendant on him and no emotions Attendant on the misconduct. In other words, there's no emotional reactivity when you can forget the trigger if you cheat on your husband as a borderline woman and It's much easier to do if your husband is out of sight out of mind and You have no emotions connected to the act. So dissociating emotions is a major defense Against labeling against this alienation this estrangement between the class to be Personality disordered patient and his own emotional processes coping strategies In all these literally all these personality disorders disorders in for a coping strategies involve self-soothing and Self-soothing is dysfunctional vast majority of self-soothing techniques Strategies are actually dysfunctional. They're self-defeating the self destructive. They're self-trashing their reckless Over-eating is self-soothing Getting drunk is self-soothing promiscuous sex is self-soothing pathological gambling is self-soothing all kinds of of Be bodily behaviors which are harmful Most of them are connected to self-soothing. You can self-soothe with men. You can self-soothe with sex You can self-soothe with dream anything and everything can be self-soothing and most self-soothing has an addictive or at the very least conditioned element You you do it almost automatically almost reflexively when you are under stress or Traumatized or or in pain the reckless behaviors are also self-soothing and all The personality disorder narcissists order like sacrobatist when they are faced with their emotional Invalidity with their with the fact that they're emotional cripples with their disability and It's not only a disability to emote It's not only a disability to experience the emotion It's even a disability to tell yourself and others what it is that you're feeling when they're faced with this with this enormous limitation with this loss horrendous loss of 80% of what's beautiful in existence in human existence They're not stupid. Many narcissists and psychopaths are actually super intelligent Collectly claims that most psychopaths are more intelligent than usual So these are intelligent people and they know what they are missing They know intellectually. They know rationally. They don't know in the heart But they know in the mind in the brain what they're missing. They know they're missing out on everything. That's beautiful everything that makes Makes you makes people human everything that they're missing out on the most profound Experiences there's nothing more profound than emotions falling in love. Is there anything that comes close to it? They know they're missing on all this They know they've been deprived. They feel a sense deep sense of injustice or in resentment And which which is the heart and the engine that drives for example the psychopaths antisocial defined activities acts He's angry Narcissus is angry the borderline is angry at themselves to start with but somehow At the world for having made them like this and try to blame their parents try to blame Society they try they are looking for a scapegoat. They don't know they're thrashing about they don't know how to but And so they try to sell soon Very dysfunctionally and destructively and And many of them especially when they grow older and self-soothing no longer works or the cost of self-soothing soothing have become such that even they Understood got it through the thick skulls that you know enough with this enough with this promiscuity enough with his drinking You know for his drug abuse substance abuse, etc. So then they switch from self-soothing to repetition compulsions It's kind of the hopes Prince eternal They try again and again and again and every time they fail they withdraw they isolate they avoid So there's this approach avoidance repetition compulsions older older Narcissus borderline psychopaths and histrionic. Let's say about the age of 30 or 35 their approach avoidant They try to Provoke in themselves some emotions and to do it in a controlled Restricted restrained constrained way so that they can be sure what emotions they are provoking and evoking Since they cannot label emotions. They cannot recognize emotions. They need To experience emotions. They need to provoke in themselves emotions in controlled environments So if they want to experience love They would select a partner home in on the partner that explains behaviors such as love bombing and grooming These are controlled behaviors They these behaviors emanate from the need to control not only the partner. It's a common mistake online the love bombing and grooming has Somewhat to do with the bother is a lot to do with analysis and psychopaths Because love bombing and grooming are controlled tactics and they above all they need to control their Internal environment so that when there is an emotional reaction When they do experience emotions, they will know what this emotion is Why because they narrowed the protocol. They limited the space They control the micro managed the interaction and gradually as approach Fails and is followed by avoidance and then another approach followed by more avoidance and withdrawal It takes more and more courage more and more depleted energy More and more effort to approach again There is hurt aversion and pain aversion even in psychopaths and narcissism border lines, especially border lines But even in noses is in psychopaths histrionics not to mention border lines and co-dependence Border lines are driven by her hurt aversion or pain aversion So it's very painful to approach and avoid approach and withdraw approach and lose Approach and be betrayed. It's very painful and so gradually Narcissists and psychopaths and border they develop persecretary introjected objects. In other words, they gradually form paranoid delusions persecretary delusions centered around introjects in other words centered around internalized objects So their initial approach to other people would be very very cautious very Suspicious and they would immediately transform these other people Take a snapshot Internalize this actual as an internal object in order to control the object because as a snapshot You're in total control, but then gradually as the real person deviates and diverges from the snapshot They will begin to feel that the the the meaningful other the significant other the intimate partner Is frustrating them intentionally and malevolently and maliciously they would convert the intimate partner into a persecretary introjected object and This would be the topic of our next video So I'll tell you what you're feeling now. I'm feeling tired and bored and You want to dislike this video, but you can't Because you don't want any bad blood between you and me Trust me on that Just kidding