 So today we're gonna talk about the six factors that determine a man's capacity to commit. And when we think about commit capacity, we think about his ability to commit to you. Now, before I dive into this, I wanna read you something that I read just moments before I began recording. And this is from a post on Facebook from my friend, Ariel Ford. And it says the following. I think this is critically important. In the movie, Shall We Dance? starring Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, and Susan Sarandon. There's a terrific scene where Susan Sarandon's character is sitting at a bar explaining to a stranger why being married is important. Okay, so let me repeat that. She's sitting at a bar and she's explaining to a stranger why being married is important. And she says the following. We need a witness to our lives. There are billions, wait, where did I go? We need a witness to our lives. There are billions of people on the planet. I mean, what does anyone life really mean? But in a marriage, we're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time every day. You're saying your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitness because I will be your witness. Isn't that interesting? You know, when you think about it, there are billions of people on the planet. We will not interact with one-tenth of one-tenth of one-tenth of 1%, okay? Unless you're some big influencer and you might hit the one-tenth of 1% level, okay? But for the most part, the people in your immediate circle matter the most. And your most inner circle outside of your children and most of us who have grown children, they're all doing their own thing, is the primary person in our life. That's the whole point. You know, in the movie Up in the Air, George Clooney says to a person who's like wavering on getting married. He says, life is better with company. And yet, sadly, we have such a dysfunctional dating marketplace. We have a dysfunctional relationship marketplace, if you will. Mainly because the traditional expectations don't apply. But that's actually a good thing because traditionally speaking, women were dependent upon men financially for their livelihood, for the most part. So the traditional doesn't apply to today because women have a capacity to take care of themselves. And now the depth of a relationship is much more than the provider-protector narrative. And we'll talk about that in a moment as well because I know we talk about the instinctual men are the provider protectors and women are the nurturers. But now they've seemed to superimpose that provider-protector means he's providing emotional support and physical support that a cave person never did. I just want you to think about this. I highly doubt cave people were using nonviolent communication in their communicating with their partners. So everything that was instinctual that encompasses the provider-protector somehow has been superimposed to believe that this also applies to emotional providing and emotional protecting that men have barely ever learned throughout history. Men have barely, I mean, I highly doubt, and again, I don't have a time machine to say this with actual concrete conviction, but I highly doubt men were in that capacity. We are in new territory and yet sadly we operate from a traditional model. And what is that traditional model? Chemistry equals relationship success. You know, we bought into this idea that if two people have chemistry with one another, it's just naturally going to work out. Let's look at the facts, though. One out of every two first marriages end in divorce, okay? Of the, or we'll just make it simpler, five out of 10 marriages end in divorce, first marriages, okay? Of those five left, probably two and a half for those couples aren't very happy to begin with. So it's really a 75% unhappy relationship rate. And then let's look at it second and third marriages. They end at much higher rates. Why is this? Because humans operate from a faulty perspective, from a faulty technology. Even following my channel, you know, I talk about the relationship iceberg, okay? Remember, I just said chemistry equals relationship success, attraction. But you see, that's the piece above the waterline. What's the below the waterline? Shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. This has significant weight to the balance of this little diagram, if you will. And yet most humans aren't even cognizant of this in their dating environment. Why is this? Why are so few humans really understanding the importance of being mindful in the dating process? Like what's the purpose of dating, everyone? Purpose of dating, it's a vetting process. No, it's about having a good time, just live in the moment. Let's just have a good time and live in the moment. Let's just have fun, it's all about fun. You know, the guy romances me, he pulls out the chair, he opens the car door, I get to feel like a princess and a queen for a while. And then all of a sudden the relationship implodes. Why is this? Because humans go into this practice naively because they believe chemistry equals relationship success. You know what matters more? These six things I'm about to share with you, that matters more. But do you remember the title of this says capacity, a man's capacity to commit? We can replace the word capacity with ability to commit, okay? I want you to really think about this because the first factor to consider is not a man's desire or even willingness to wanna be in a relationship. What matters most is his capacity or ability to be in a relationship. Do you guys recognize the difference between the two? Let me give you an example. Coming off of my divorce, I had turned 40, I think it was like 2005, I just turned 40, going through a divorce. I'm out in the dating marketplace and I'm like, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready for a relationship. I was really desirous this because we were in an unhappy marriage for so long. And I'll never forget this amazing woman I met. By the way, what I'm about to share with you sounds vaguely familiar. Give me a thumbs up right now or say something in the comments. Okay, nine months out of moving out of the house, meet this fantastic woman, really great woman. We really hit it off. I'm ready for a relationship, I told her. And sure enough, three months into it, eh, the breaks. I mean, I totally hit the breaks. I hit an emotional wall. I realized while I wanted companionship and I wanted connection and I wanted sex, my capacity or my ability hit the breaks. I mean, I hit a wall. Happened right at the three month mark. I think this is what happens to a lot of men. It takes off like a rocket for six weeks. You know, that's the high you get. By the way, think about this. Do you know how many people back in the 50s got married knowing somebody less than six weeks? I mean, there was a significant percentage of people that got married who barely knew each other. For less than six weeks, in some cases it was a few weeks, they met, oh my God, we're so perfect for one another. And there's a reason why some of those relationships lasted longer, but it took off like a rocket for six weeks. And then when you hit the apex, it started to come down, started to come down. And the minute it crashed down the ground six weeks later, I'm done. See my willingness and my desire was there, my capacity didn't exist. So that's number one. Number two, my well-being. See what plays a critical role in a man's capacity and ability to be in a relationship is centered around his well-being, physically, emotionally, and structurally. And I'm gonna get into this for a second. So physically is his physical body. By the way, for those of us in midlife, our physical bodies don't work. I'm on a couple of different medications in my life. Recently I threw my back out, many of you know about this was not fun. God, I played golf and I didn't stretch properly ahead of time, shame on me. Okay, but as we age, we're physically not the same we used to be emotionally. By the way, in midlife, do you know what happens at midlife, something called midlife crisis. And you know what midlife crisis is? It's the blueprint we thought our life was gonna be like collides with our reality and it implodes in an emotional up evil for so many people. This is what midlife crisis about. So his wellbeing. So people that are going through a divorce, there's an emotional up evil. There also might be a physical, like a structural up evil. And what I mean by structural, I mean their lifestyle. They went from living in a beautiful big home to having to live in an apartment. Their lifestyle might have changed. Their professional life might have changed. I know this personally and intimately because right at the time I was going through a divorce, I lost my high end corporate paying job. I didn't lose it. I got, they laid me off. So imagine this, you're going through a divorce. You've got all this emotional facts. You're physical. You've got a contentious relationship with your ex. You're going through job issues, the life underneath what was feeling. By the way, the reason why I can talk about this, some people say what makes you an expert is because I've lived this shit, okay? The life underneath me didn't feel solid. And when the life doesn't feel solid to a man, if his wellbeing is unstable, his capacity to commit, doesn't matter how much he desires it, his capacity to commit is rather limited. Number three, his attachment towards you. By the way, if any, oh, I should have brought my new book. I just got Thaisis Gibson's book. I'm gonna be interviewing her soon on Love. But if you haven't read the books, here's a couple of books, Wired or Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. By the way, all the books I recommend are in the link below under Jonathan recommend books. You've got to read this book, Wired for Love. And you have to read this book, Getting the Love You Want by Har bell, Hennix, Helen Hunt. Again, all the books I recommend are listed below. And by the way, if you just missed it right now, just go back and rewind this right to the 12 minute mark so you can read these books. Why is it so important? Because a man's capacity to commit might be highly predicated on his attachment towards you. Is it an unhealthy attachment or is it a healthy attachment? See, folks, you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart. By the way, not a fact, merely an opinion. I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical emotional health issues. Just a speculation on my part. And while I say 20% are healthy, I'm being rather generous here. What's that middle section? 60%. And 20% makes 80% of human beings, men and women alike, who have poor relationship skills and weak emotional maturity. So does he have a healthy attachment towards you and unhealthy attachment towards you? See, many of us are attached to one another in an unhealthy way. You included, by the way, your attachment to a dysfunctional guy is a reflection of your unhealthy attachment. By the way, coming back to this book, again, Taiz Gibson, I'm reading her new book. I'll put it up in the link as well. But I'm finding it fascinating. Understanding my own, I'd like to think I'm a recovering, preoccupied, anxious attachment. As I'm reading it, I'm going check mark yes, check mark yes, check mark yes, check. By the way, if you can relate to either an anxious, avoidant, most everybody thinks they're secure, but trust me, very few people are actually living a secure attachment. And those are the rare couples that have built the major levels of trust that allows them to enter into a healthy, happy relationship. So we talked about attachment. Number four, his actions through integration, his actions through integration. Has he integrated you into his life? But Jonathan, we live hundreds of thousands of miles away. He can't integrate me in his life. What the fuck are you in a part-time, like you're not even in a part-time relationship. You're in what's known as a bubble relationship. Folks, the only reason why Poo Poo long distance relationship is most humans don't have the financial resources to see each other regularly. And I'm talking a minimum of 10 days a month, like a minimum of 10 days a month. Two people that live within, let's say they live five miles from each other, they should be seeing each other on average of three or four days and nights a week doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in their personal and their professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. But Jonathan, we only see each other a couple of times a year and it's this beautiful bubble and we have this amazing sex. But he doesn't call me and he doesn't text me. I mean, you guys are insane that you accept those kinds of relationships. Actions through integration. Once two people decide to, listen, the once two people decide, let me backtrack. The minute the penis goes inside the vagina, ladies, this is the time to establish, are we progressing something that's long-term or is this just short-term? But Jonathan, he won't talk about the relationship. He says, we just need to take it slow. Well, then his penis doesn't get to go in your vagina slowly. Because it went there quickly, but Jonathan, and by the way, I jokingly, you guys laugh and I say, but Jonathan, but you guys, do you know what a rationalization is? Write down, someone write this down, rational, run the right, write the word rational and then put lies, L-I-E-S and then end it with, this is three separate words, Asian, rationalization, okay? Leafs, will you do that for me? Folks, we rationalize to ourselves, we can gaslight to ourselves, all kinds of reasons why we accept mediocre, really, really, really mediocre relationships. You know, it's just kind of human nature. We can't help it because most of us don't make a stand for ourselves. Most of us don't, folks, I wrote a book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help in Spiritual Work, linked to get the book below. Why do I talk about this? Because most of us have not done the deep inner work to stand up for ourselves, to make a stand and not accept mediocre relationships, actions that integrate, that speaks volumes. Number five, relationship skills. You know, someone's capacity to emote their feelings to another is critically important. Remember I started this conversation, provider, protector, but Jonathan, that means they're supposed to be emotionally providing and emotionally protecting. No, that's just made up by, somebody made that up and now it's become a narrative. A man's capacity to express himself emotionally and more importantly, listen to your needs on an emotional level and then meet your needs is a skill that most humans and you guys are no better at this ladies. You all think you're above men. You ladies are no fucking picnic either. Let me just be clear, okay? There's just as many wounded women as there are men, okay? It's just the other side of the coin. But someone's capacity to have good relationship skills and just because you have the capacity to, you know, vomit your feelings, doesn't mean you articulate it in a way that's seen, heard or understood. Why is my collar all fucked up? Oh, anyway, all right. Number six, this is so critically important what I'm about to share with you. Pay close attention to this because a man's relationship vision dictates the entire trajectory of a relationship. Men who clearly state they don't want anything serious. Men who clearly state they only want things casual. Men who clearly state let's take it slow, okay? It's okay if they want to take it slow and the penis doesn't go inside the vagina, but if it means emotionally take it slow, then we are backward, okay? Take it slow. If it means taking it slow, then take the sex piece slow and build everything else. Build trust with one another. I've always said takes about 100 hours of face time just to build the first layer of trust. Takes about 200 hours of face to face time to build the second layer of trust. It takes 300 hours of face to face time to build the third layer of trust. And these layers of trust keep building over time and experiences, time and experiences. And by the way, sleeping in this, it doesn't, waking hours, 100 waking hours. It doesn't count when you're sleeping together, okay? Sex counts, I'm just talking about real sleep. A man's relationship vision, is it transactional or is it something more? You see today, humans still find themselves in transactional relationships. And I'm here to encourage soul-based relationships, divine partnerships, something that has more meat to it than the, like all the red pill people are talking over and over again, is transactional relationships. It's one up, one down. The man is the leader of the relationship and the woman must submit to the man because he knows better. You know what fucking cracks me up is this belief that men know better about relationships. Very few men and very few women know the true recipe for relationship success, but it's so, it's almost narcissistic for both the man and woman. To give the job to the man, assuming he knows what he's doing. Most men are winging it. They're winging it, they're rather clueless. So why would you give your relationship destiny to a man? You are in charge of your relationship destiny and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know. Folks, if you need support with this, see this link right here to jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. Reach out to me, schedule a discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. And if you found value in this video, listen first, if you have something to say, post a comment below, I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you found value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit the notification bell as well. I don't like the way this caller is looking. All right, it's time for Q and A. If you have a question, write the word question, then post the question there after, or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him with his brother, Colin. That's my little salty there, eating from a bowl. He's my son who passed away over five years ago. And his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. All right, it looks like we got, oh, and by the way, if you wanna join the hot seat, click that link right there as well. All right, Ty has a, oops, Ty has a question. If a guy tells me that he encourages me to date other people, should I take it as him doing me a favor or just move on from him? That's clearly, I'm just not that into you. Yes, he is doing you a favor. He's saying, I won't commit to you. So go, I will fuck you as long as you'll allow me, but I will not commit to you. So go find someone else that'll commit to you and to make the blow, the sting a little less palatable. No, that's just bullshit. That's just absolute bullshit. If someone says that to you, you just need to say thank you, thank you next. Who was it? Was it Ariana Grande? Thank you, next was one of her songs. Thank you, next. Chandra says, you resonate, your posts are always valuable, the caller is fine. Thank you, spugging me. What is this? Alex P. Keaton, mine, mine, mine, take your power back. I don't remember that, that was family ties, right? With Michael J. Fox, but I don't remember that line, mine, mine, mine. Okay, thank you for that. Julie says, how do you chat with me? Well, you can either schedule, you can schedule a discovery call with me, which is listed right there, or you could join the hot seat right here. You can join the hot seat and chat with me right now. There's the hot seat link, it's in the chat box there. All right, let's see. I won't be in a long-term relationship. Many guys seem to like that. I just stayed in my profile, I'm not interested. I won't, okay, so you won't be in a long-term relationship that makes for casual relationships, situationships, or friends with benefits. Listen, I'm not here to, listen, I do judge a little bit, okay? Because I'm an advocate for partnership. I'm not an advocate for situationships, friends with benefits. Have I done them? Yes, but you guys allowed it. You shouldn't allow it. But that's, you know, everybody's entitled to what they wanna do. Ursa says, my relationship is long distance, it's challenging because we can't be together any time we want to. We're both working on many things, being together will mean to get married. Well, long distance relationships rarely work out, okay? You know, sadly, I heard the story of someone recently, a friend of a friend of mine, and she was in a relationship with a man for, I think, a year and a half, it was long distance. She mostly traveled to him and she finally decided that she would be moved to be near him. And then he confessed that he's been dating other people even though they agreed to monogamy and agreed to exclusivity. The minute she made an overture to move, she found out he was with someone else. The problem with long distance dating is that it's dating, it's casual. People are free agents. They can be looking and meeting other people in their own city left and right. That's the danger, the gamble. That's why folks, I know you guys have criticized me for thinking I moved in with Marie too fast. No, we didn't. There's no such thing as too fast. We both had conversations. We talked about the dynamic. We figured if it was going to work, we would need to either be living in the same city and then it just, it seemed to make sense moving in together. We did it. We went as far as we could and then it ended. That's okay too. You know, it would have ended either in distance or, and by the way, I never coerced her to move for all of you that claim that. She was the one who, you know, she's the one who approached me. She was the one who said she was interested in either California or Florida. And when she was unhappy here, she wanted, she moved to Florida. I didn't make her move from anywhere. Okay, that's enough of me trying to justify it. All right. Sherry wants to remind everyone of a quote, the Sir Jonathan Asley quote, proximity equals continuity. Proximity equals continuity. The closer two people to lever, the more two people can see each other and it's when they live closer together, they can be easier for relationship success. Let's see. Ursa says, he came here and I absolutely trust him. We are not casual. Okay, well then just accept it for what it is and do it. You know, then the question is, are you, what's your long-term plan? I get that your short-term plan, what's your long-term plan? That's my question for you. Hey, we've got someone ready for the hot seat. This is gonna be fun. You wanna join the hot seat, Rachel. Rachel, if you don't have your camera on, then we won't be chatting with you. All right. Hey there. Hello. I don't know, I was going to ask you a question. I know that you said that you're on some of the dating apps. Yes. I wanted to find out like your name, like you're in California. I was wondering if, as a courtesy, you could look at my profile and give me some honest feedback on it. Well, you know, I mean, you can hire me to do that, but if you wanna have a little fun exercise, if you're fun, is this your phone you're using right now? No, my phone I have, this is my phone. Do you have pictures? Probably can't see. Put it real close to the, nope, a little higher. Okay. All right, show me your picture. Okay, number one, take the sunglass picture off. If you're hiding your eyes, what else are you hiding in your life? Show me the next picture. Up higher, up higher. Okay, I know that's a sultry kind of picture, but you know, let me tell you what men are attracted to. We're attracted to radiance. Give me a big chuckle right now. Give me a big chuckle. Look in the camera and chuckle. There you go. I want your first picture. Look in the camera right now. All right, you look like you have attitude. There's no joy in that picture. Pull it back. I mean, I'm here to tell you if you wanna capture a guy's attention, radiate. These aren't radiating. By the way, who else agrees with me on my comments? All right, there you go. The problem with that photograph? It's shitty quality. It's like, was it taken on an old iPhone that's like 10 years old? I mean, it's a shitty quality photograph. It was taken on the side so now I'm voting up right now. Okay. Here, let me give you an example. Okay, hold on a second. Okay, let me give you an example. Okay, look at this photograph. Chris, clear, quality. I'm smiling. Okay, do you see that? Okay, the next one. Chris, clear, I'm smiling. This is for my dating profile. When I'm standing, okay? Let's see if I got another one. Oh, there's me and my mommy. That's not on my dating profile, but there's me and my mommy. I don't have it on my dating profile, but. I mean, I don't mean to. I'm just, hey, I'm being, I'm just, look at. All right, I know you get hundreds. Okay, here's the thing. You get hundreds of messages, okay? But obviously you asked me this question because you're not getting what you want. You're not, you're not getting. I just, I listened to a lot of your videos. I mean, I'm a very dedicated loyal follower of you. Oh, thank you. I really am. And I've watched some of the other people get in the hot seat. I didn't want to show my face tonight because I'm breaking out in some areas, but that's okay because that's what you, that's part of being in the hot seat. I met somebody, but I think they're just jerking me around. I actually asked them if they wanted to go to lunch. I've been communicating with this person since mid-September and they told me they want to take it slow. And I, at the beginning of this program tonight, I heard you say that. If somebody says they want to take it slow and I'm thinking that's exactly what he said to me. Well, my question to you is, I wish that I could have vetted him better. I didn't get in a minute or anything like that with him. What happened? Oh, I just put you on full screen. Oh, but he, I don't know what his problem is. Hey, Rachel. Yes. What's your question? My question is, do I just let it go? I haven't heard from him since Friday. He always seems to be going to the mountains every weekend. He's like, we'll get together. So let me ask you a bunch of, let me rapid fire some questions for you, okay? All right. When did you begin first communicating? Give me a date. September 15th. September 15th. Have you physically met him? Four times. Four times. Has the penis gone inside the vagina? No, no. Okay. Well, I just want to be clear. No, I invited him to come over. I was going to make him some soup with peppers that he had given me. And he's like, oh no, no. He's like, cause he's like, I have to get up early in the morning. So I guess maybe he was paying for some solution. So you see each other four times, September, October, November. So in three months, four times. And I haven't seen him for almost a month and a half. I want to say two months. So we've been texting a lot. So obviously the two of you are not really dating. Okay. He's not progressing the relationship forward. Coming back to a lot of my other videos, men who are genuinely interested. Like, look, when I like a woman, I want to take her off the market. I don't want any other guy getting a chance at her. Now, when I put women in the friends with benefits category, I really could give a shit. I might go months without seeing them, but they're in the friends with benefits category. They're in the friends category. But when a man is in a, I want to pursue a relationship with category with you, he is constantly progressing the relationship forward. I suspect if we start to examine this guy. Okay. Let's do a little examination here for everybody. When was he divorced? According to him, he was never married, but he was engaged. When was his last relationship? According to him two years ago. Two years ago. How old is he? He's 47. 47. Okay. 47, his last relationship was two years ago. And why did his last relationship end? He was real quick to answer. He, you know, when you ask somebody a question and they just real quick, he said, she left me for somebody else. And he said, and she took all the furniture out. And that way, if you came over to the house, there'd be no furniture there. And he said- Okay, so he lived with this woman and she left him. There's a good reason why she left him. Now he makes it sound like she cheated on me and left me for another man. But let me tell you something. People need a reason to cheat in most cases. Okay, so what was her good reason for not being happy in this relationship? Something worth examining, but he went quickly through it. It's important to unpack a person's past to get a sense of how they operate. How did that make you feel the person left you quickly without the furniture? How'd you feel about that? What were the, you know, have you, and you haven't been in a relationship for two years. Have you dated in the last two years? Have you had friends with, I'm like, there's a lot of things you need to determine because he's a total stranger. What does he do for a living? I asked him that question and he said, I do, he does jobs for people laying carpets. He's a repairman. He's, I guess like a handyman, construction type kind of- You know what's interesting? The way you respond is like a person that like this is a stranger. Like the way you're responding is like, oh, this is someone I met at the grocery store and I know barely enough information about him. Okay. How often do you guys communicate? Well, you said you haven't spoken to him in a while. So why are you giving- All right. Why are you even giving him the time of day? Because I liked him. I liked that he shared some of the same values as me. He just seemed like he was very hard to get information out of. When you say I sound like I talk, I refer to him as a stranger. I wanted to try to get a note to know him better, but he just was, he very mysterious. Like he doesn't like to open up a whole lot. He likes- Do you like that? Just say yes or no? No. Well, I mean, how will you ever get to know somebody if all you talk about is the weather? How can you really like this person if you don't know this person? Well, I'm just from little things. I know that they like nature. They like to go to the mountains. They sent me pictures of, he sent me pictures. All right. So what you're describing is what I call me to's. Okay. I'll give you an example. You like sushi. Oh my God, me too. You like pickleball. Oh my God, I play it every weekend. You like the Rolling Stones. Oh, I've seen them in concert five times. We're so fucking compatible. Okay. It's important to have our me to's because we feel safer with people that we share some affinity for, but you're talking about the peripheral type of affinity. I'm talking about deeper affinity. I'm talking about deeper qualities than the surface. So he's occupying, he's basically occupied space in your life for three months. He's made no effort to grace the relationship forward. If you really want to be in your power, you say, Hey Steve, you know what? I think you're a great guy, but I've come to the, I recognize that I want a deep serious relationship where we spend on average three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal, our professional life, intimacy that is both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married, this is what I want. You don't seem that type of guy. So I'm going to wish you well. And, you know, we can remain friends on social media, but that's about it. Now, why am I putting this caveat here? Because being friends, is this the kind of guy that, hey, listen, I need a ride to the airport. A friend is the person that drives you to the airport at three in the morning. A friend is a person that helps you move furniture. This isn't that guy. He's busy off going to the mountains with his friends. He's not your friend. He's just barely an acquaintance. By the way, everyone who agrees with me or is agreeing with me, please give me a thumbs up or say I agree. Is this been helpful at all, Rachel? No, it's been helpful. I just, I wanted to share with you real quickly something that happened on Thursday night I had because we talked on the phone. We've talked on the phone several times for upwards of an hour or longer, which I, you know, most people I go, I meet them for a date and I never see them again, or maybe I'll see them a second time and it ends there. So I think with this last person that I met, it seemed like it was a little bit more than just, you know, meet and greet, never see again, because we did have a little bit of interaction as far as texting and- Why don't you guys do that? What's that? You want to know, by the way, see you've equated, he talks to me on the phone for an hour as I'm someone special, okay? That's the sub context of what you're saying. You don't, you didn't have to say those words or even think about it, but that's the words. Let me tell you what he's doing. He just wants female company. People are bored, people are lonely for the most part. So if we can talk on the phone for an hour to someone it cures boredom, it doesn't mean you're special. Let me tell you what means you're special. Hey, I want to see you tonight. Hey, let's get together this Friday. Hey, I want to go out of town with you. Hey, I think you're gorgeous. Hey, I think, you know, we'd make a great team together. That's what tells a person that you're worth it. Talking on the phone for an hour is not an indicator. I know it's compared to other men because, you know, granted, a lot of men are flaky. By the way, you women are just as bad as men. I've been on the dating sites now and you women have just been as fucking flaky as men. And I'm not talking to you, Rachel, I'm talking to everyone in the audience here. So, but most guys, people are lonely and they just want attention. Do you really make a stand? I'm inviting you right now. Make a stand for what you want. The reason why I have my narrative spending three or four days and nights a week together because it is through time, effort and experiences that people can move into a stronger type of relationship. And I agree with you and I realize that because I've been following you. When I'm here, you said what? Oh, I said, I agreed with you. I've been following you. By the way, I said that in tongue-in-cheek. Yeah, so I agree with everything you're saying. I agree that in order to get to know someone, you need to spend quality time with them and, you know, texting doesn't count. And, you know, I agree with all that. And that's why I did actually confront him on the phone a couple of months ago. And I just said, look, you know, I just, you know, I don't want you to take this personally, but I get the feeling that maybe you're not ready for a relationship. And I said, I understand. I said, I just, I don't want to waste our time. And then he's like, oh, no, no, no, no. I really do. I really like you. I really do. I just, you know, I'm just taking my time and... By the way, words, words, words, words, words, words, words. If you love me, show me. Do you remember what movie that's from? No. My Fair Lady. That was Audrey Hepburn, okay? Let me tell you something. Actions and words, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not aligned here. Okay. And I told him that. Remember what I said earlier in this video, rationalization, okay? Stop rationalize, meaning gaslighting yourself. Make a stand for what you want. That's right. I'm really trying to encourage you to make a stand for yourself. And I want, I want to do that. I'm hoping that he texts me one more time so that I can tell him exactly what you're saying. Do you, did you ever see Star Wars? Yes. Did you ever see the second Star Wars, Empire Striped Back? I think so, yes. There was a little guy named Yoda. He said, and I quote, there is no try. There is only do. Okay. You don't try anything. You just do it. He's not going to meet you there. No, he's not, but I don't, I just don't want to. But then end it. You just said it. Okay. All right. By the way, you can tell my loudness is just passion, right? Right. No, I get, I get your, your personality. Okay. Yeah, Thursday night, I said, I'm off on Friday. If you want to get together for lunch, let me know if not, no problem. So then he texts me back on Friday. Oh my God, did you just see what you did? You just gave him this out. No problem. It's like, look, how about just saying, Jim, I think you're a great guy, but you know what? I'm going to move on. That was actually my ex-husband's name, Jim. Wait a minute, wait. Someone just heard something. Are you psychic or something? Pink's lover said, seriously, Jonathan, you just say that without actually knowing us. I'm not a relationship or on apps because I'm working on me. When I'm aligned, he will show up. Okay, I just want to know what she meant by that. Sweetheart, I know I was tough on you. That's why it's called hot seat. We've got another person who wants to get on the hot seat. Okay, well, I'll be respectful of everybody's time. Did I help? Did I help? Yes, you're helping. You help all the time. That's why I follow you continuously. So thank you very much. Can I reach in and give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug? Big hugs to you. Thanks, Rachel. All right. Look at, we got Jeep in the house. We got, all right, my next victim. Hi. Hello, I love your shows. I can't believe I'm on here. Thank you. Oh, you know what? I'm just some guy who loves talking on about this shit. Right, exactly. And I like listening to this shit. Oh, by the way, real quick, Rachel's having a glass of wine. I can see her. Oh, I wish I had some wine. I'm going to talk to you. I'm a crazy cat lady. I'm in the bucket here. You all are above me tonight. I wish I had some. All right. So Jeep, hit me with your best shot. Well, okay. So like I'm 47 and I have had the last two relationships I had were a long term. You follow me, right? What? You follow me, right? Yeah. Okay. What do I always tell women when they're in a hot seat? Don't give me the backstory. Give me the question. Okay. Now I'm doing this as a learning lesson for all of you ladies here, okay? A question is Jonathan, why do guys do this? That's a question, okay? Give me a question and then let me ask the backstory. I'm sorry, yeah. Now you don't have to be sorry. I'm just giving you some shit. I just want to make sure I don't make the same mistakes. How do I not make the same mistakes with a different person? I feel like I'm in a good relationship right now but I was wrong about the last two and I would have never thought that. Okay, so what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same, expecting different results. Well, okay. So did you ever watch Seinfeld? I love Seinfeld. Okay, do you remember when George decided he'll do the opposite of his natural inclination? Remember that episode? Ah, maybe. He walks up to that beautiful blonde at the coffee shop and he says, hi, my name is George. I'm out of work and I live with my parents and she's like, ooh, you're hot. Now of course that's a tongue in cheek but the point is if what you're currently doing doesn't work then you have to try something new. So, okay, on a scale from one to 10, 10 meaning I've beaten them off with a stick. How often do you get asked out on a date? I don't get out much, honestly. Maybe a few times a year by someone different that I'm seeing. Okay, time out. Where are they meeting you? On Facebook. Okay, so you have to remember if you wanna be asked out on a date you have to be seen by somebody, okay? Right. In other words, look it. I don't know how often a good looking burglar breaks into your house and says, damn Jeep, you're hot. Let's go out on a date, okay? But if you're not making effort then you can't blame results. Right. On your lack of effort. So what do most people do? They open up these little devices, they take some pictures of themselves or like in my case my son took a picture of me, took those pictures I showed and you put them out on a dating site. I put them out on four different dating sites because four is better than one. You take quality photographs of yourself, okay? Quality photographs generates better results. You could put your, so Facebook, now Facebook is a great way to connect with people. There's no doubt about it. But are you making overtures? Are you asking anyone out for coffee? Well, I'm in a little bit of a, I'm in a relationship right now. So I'm not talking to anybody else, but this one guy. Let's get the details quickly. When did this relationship begin? When? I've known him for four and a half years. We didn't start, he's been trying to go out with me for about a year. I met him when I was dating my, all right, I'm gonna ask this one more time. When did this relationship begin? Give me a date. I'll say the early October. October of this year, so it's two months ago. Has the penis been inside the vagina? Yeah. Okay, so are you guys in a relationship? I think so. Okay, the fact that you don't know it is already the first problem, okay? So clarity, clarity breeds confidence and confidence leads to better choices. Everyone write that down. Clarity breeds confidence and confidence leads to better choices. So right now you don't have clarity. So maybe it might be important to have a conversation. Hey, Tim, you know, now that we're spending regular time together and we're being physically intimate with one another, I'd like to know what's the intent here? Are we exploring a fully committed relationship or are we just casual? Is this friends with benefits? Is this a situation ship? I'd like to know where your mindset is at. Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a relationship and let's see if we're aligned with one another. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend on average three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, both team, traveling together, teamwork both in our personal, our professional life, intimacy that's both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. What are you looking for? Now I know that's a mouthful but you follow me enough to know that's my narrative because the more time two people spend together the greater chance they have for a relationship success. So you're in a situation ship right now. He's getting wife benefits at girlfriend prices and he's not even giving you girlfriend prices. He's really good to me and he's surprising. He surprised me a lot. He took me to Thanksgiving. He said he hasn't brought a girl home for years to his parents' house for Thanksgiving and his mom's still living and his sisters and I mean, he's got a huge family. I don't and he brings me things. He gives me things. He has me over every time. Well, I'm basing a lot of this on your lack of like, you know, lack of clarity. Yeah, I just want to, I think he's more, he said at first he wanted to take it slow but I think he's, I know, I heard you today. By the way, now, now, now, taking it slow. Okay, I want you to think about it like this. I want you to imagine a backyard for a moment. Okay, a backyard with a swimming pool and a jacuzzi. Okay, backyard with the swimming pool and jacuzzi. When a man says, let's take it slow, what he wants to do is jump in the jacuzzi with you really fast. Now the jacuzzi represents sex. Okay, the pool represents emotional intimacy. So the jacuzzi represents physical intimacy, which is, by the way, jacuzzi are small because on average, at best, if we got an hour of sex in every time we see each other, there's another eight hours or more we're spending together. So that's the swimming pool. But he's like, no, I don't want to get near the pool. I don't even want to put my foot in the pool. That's what slow means. But he does the opposite sometimes. So it's kind of conflicting to me because he has me over, he'll come over, he cooks for me, he buys me special pies that I like. I don't even ask him. I mean, he'll hand me money if he thinks I'm running short. And I've never had a guy do that. Usually I'm the one doing all those things. And he is such a good person and- Well, then have a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me tell you something. Where's my duct tape? You guys, you ladies have duct tape over your mouth. And you know what? When you have duct tape, all we hear is want, want, want, want, want, want. The duct tape is your fear of, okay. The duct tape is fear that if you actually express clarity, he's gonna break up with you. But let me just tell you something. If he genuinely values you and you simply asking for clarity and he values you, he's gonna want to make you feel safer. Okay? If he doesn't value you or his capacity, what's the title of this video? The six factors that determine his capacity to commit to you, okay? Being able to express feelings is an important and integral part of a relationship. Right. Oh, and Trista wants to know, do you know for sure he isn't seeing someone else? Yes, I know for a fact, yeah. We live in a very small town of 800 people and- Okay. It's a, yeah, I know he's not. All right, then just tell him that you wanna get married next week and see what happens. By the way, if I was a little tough on you, like I was really tough on Rachel, I was mildly tough on you. Yeah, you were. It's because, well, it's because look, that duct tape over your mouth is beer that he will say no to something deeper. And you guys are hoping for magic fairy dust to change it. Clarity breeds confidence. Confidence leads to better choices. If you wanna have better choices in your life then create clarity and the dynamic of what this relationship is all about. That's all, I'm just making a suggestion you get clarity. Yes. Okay. Okay. Thank you. All right. Hey, thanks for being a loyal fan. I appreciate you. Can I give you a big gigantic Jonathan Barahug? Yeah. And Sherry says, and I quote, don't settle for mediocrity or anything less than you deserve, ladies. Oh. I'm in agreement with that. Oops. Oh, she just logged off. Rose says, Jonathan, you've got nothing to lose, women. He's already shortchanged, you might as well stay. Well, you know what? In all fairness, he sounds like a good guy. It's just there's an ambiguousness. There's a lack of intentionality. And maybe because they're in a small town, hopefully you're hearing this Jeep. You know, I understand the dynamics but you know what, I'm all about clarity folks when people are honestly expressing what they want and what they desire and they're clear about it. Clarity takes away all the confusion and that's my whole point here, okay? All right, I missed a lot of stuff here. Yeah, Trista says, it sounds like he's definitely interested in you, so that's yeah, it's a good sign. Rose says, it's girl, it's time to pull back. Don't give him any more of the goods. Once he asks you why, this is the part of taking it slow for me. Yeah, by the way, now that's a good point, ladies. When a guy says, let's take it slow, guess what? My vagina moves at a turtle's place then, okay? So I gave you the analogy of the swimming pool, right? Okay, so you're in a backyard. There's a swimming pool and there's a jacuzzi, okay? The swimming pool is much bigger than the jacuzzi. The jacuzzi's very small but what it's, the jacuzzi represents sex, the swimming pool. So, okay, these are really about intimacy. Physical intimacy is the jacuzzi. The swimming pool is emotional intimacy. See, the real health of a relationship is predicated on intimacy and building trust with one another. What is trust? Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? Well, it sounds like in Jeep's case, the guy lent her money, he was doing some things that are demonstrating that, okay? But intimacy is into me, you see. Into me, you see. It's important to establish deeper intimacy if you wanna build deeper trust or Jeep. I didn't say this to you but you're certainly welcome to be in a transactional relationship. I'm more of a proponent of a transactional relationship is almost like a bartering type of relationship. I'm more, I encourage women to be in empowered relationships and soul-based relationships. That's what I'm encouraging everyone to do. Someone says, Beach Lover says, Jonathan, we have another show going on the comments but we all love you. I don't see, I mean, I can read the comments but they move so quickly, I miss what's going on. Margaret says, I agree with Jonathan. Beach Lover says, I really like Jeep, she's cool. You know what, Jeep is a cool chick. And by the way, Rachel too, you know what Rachel? And I know I called you out on the wine. By the way, we're all having a cocktail on him on this evening. Rachel, we really want you to make a stand for yourself. That's really what we're encouraging you to do. I know I'm yelling at you, I know I'm tough love. I'm your big brother just looking out for your best interest but I'm here to say, we all want you to be empowered and not accept mediocrity. Folks, I'm here to encourage everyone to step into their power. And if you need some support, see this link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. So you all know that my back went out. I shared that the other day. I'm feeling about 85% better. I have no idea what's gonna happen when I get up out of this chair because I've been laying flat most. Well, I went for a walk today but I've been laying flat to really take the pressure off of it. I did go see a chiropractor last week but I triggered it over the weekend. But I appreciate all the love and support you gave me from my post. I missed being able to do my weekend videos. I really was bummed out. I'm really grateful for those. Oh, you know what? Nobody gave money to the Connor-Asley Fund. Folks, our goal was $50 but I didn't express that. Folks, there's a little dollar sign. Let's collect some money tonight. Come on, at least $20 before we wrap up this evening. I'd really like to donate some money to the Connor-Asley Scholarship Fund. I've given you my all. I've given you my best. I'm even a little bit of pain. Let's give some love because that love goes a long way to supporting other people as well. Hey, Elizabeth's in the house. Love you all. I know I have childhood wounds. I'm working on it. I hope you feel better soon, Jonathan. So I was reading this book by Taïse Gibson. Taïse Gibson. Taïse Gibson. And I'm reading Anxious Preoccupied. I'm like, fuck. And I know how this came about. It's from my mother, but nonetheless. So, Travel Goddess, Intuitive Journey. Hey, Margaret just gave us $7 Super Sticker. Thank you, $7.99. Okay, 12 more dollars. That's all we need. What would be a good first message to a guy on a dating app? A great first message is, do you like blowjobs? That would be a great message. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You know what a good message is? Okay, so here's my, oh, I want to get beach lover props for our $20 Super Sticker. Sherry just gave us a $5 Super Sticker. Wow, let's get $50 before we wrap up tonight. A great first thing to write a guy on a dating app is as follows, okay? Use my nice method. I'm gonna write this here. N-I-C-E, okay, nice. You start with his name. Hey, Jonathan, really great to connect with you. That's the name. The I stands for inquisitive. What inspired you to become a dating coach? Okay, or what if you know his profession, right? An inquisitive question. The C stands for compliment. Wow, you have great energy from your pictures and the E stands for energy or emoji and put a smiley face. The question leads, so name, inquisitive, compliment, emoji, or energy. That's what you do on a first message to someone on a dating app. Beach lover said, oh my God, blow job. Do you like a good blow job? Okay, that's, by the way, if a woman had did that, I would totally reject her, but I was just being funny in a moment. Sherry just gave us a $2 Super Sticker. Thank you for the love. We really appreciate it. Okay, folks, you know what? I think that, oh, nice, nice, N-I-C-E. There it is. I just posted in the comments. We're all doing nice. Does it need to be in that order? Yeah, nice. Well, first you wanna give someone's name. So inquisitive, you can give a compliment ahead of the inquisitive and the energy is always at the end. Nice, N-I-C-E. Folks, we talked about the six factors that determine a man's capacity to commit to you. I'm just gonna repeat it really quickly. There's my sheets, my notes. His desire, willingness versus his capacity to commit. It's a range. His well-being, physically, emotionally, and lifestyle and structurally. His attachment towards you, how strong is it? His actions through integration, his relationship skills, and his relationship vision. Those are the six factors. Hey, Elizabeth just gave us a $5 super sticker. Well, I think we got close to the $50 with all this love, big hugs to you all. Folks, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off. Give it my, oh, by the way, if you have something to say, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you liked this video, please hit like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell to be notified of new videos as well. We're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off. Give myself a big, again, a Jonathan Bear hug. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask, do you notice how I say if that's okay? Just trying to be me too right there. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Inter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Sherry and our Facebook members and Leafs and Beach Lover and Stacy and Margaret and Jubilee and McCoy and Lisk and Travel Goddess and Power of Chee and Denise and Tiffany and Sovereign Angel and Elizabeth. And, but Margaret, did I say that Denise Rose, Sandy, Christina, oh, Rachel earlier and Jeeps wanna thank you all for the love. Big hugs, be well, take care. Have a wonderful and fast.