 Good mental health. I'm your host, Nat Kelly. I'm pleased to have your company as we once again, continue our podcast series that is examining the lessons found in the tweets of Dr. Neil Maranello. He is a behavior expert with near six decades studying the human condition. He's currently a life, a solutions focused like coach in Woodstock, Vermont. Neil, I want to begin here before we get into our topic to just kind of talk about why we refer to you as a behavior expert. And the fact about 10,000 hours is normally what's required to be considered an expert. And you would certainly surpass that, I'm sure, with your experience in this behavioral field. Well, I did figure it out once, and that was many years ago. I think we can safely say I've got about 70,000. But I've been practicing in some form of behavior modification, I guess it could be called, although that's more of a term used by the cognitive behaviorist rather than me. But I've been doing some variation on that, trying to change people for the better, certainly since, oh, I'd say 1960, anyway. Wow. Yeah, exciting. That's even before I'm born. So and just for the purposes of disclosure, I have been a client of Dr. Neil's on and off for almost 25 years. I think you and I had begun our consultations in the early to mid 90s. So we have a long history and certainly blessed to have you on my team as I refer to it. A reminder that you can always follow the good doctor on Twitter. His handle is at coach Dr. Neil. And if you have a question or comment and what you have you here on this or any of our past or future podcasts, you're always welcome to leave a comment and we'll be able to address it in the subsequent podcast. So we're we sent Neil a little bit of a curveball today because we changed the order of what our topics were to be. I felt today's topic was a natural progression from last week's topic. And last week was the only rules controlling me are my own. And so for me, I felt today's topic was a natural progression of that. And the the topic today is deciding when I finish the job is up to me. And again, it feels like it's a natural progression. And Neil, for me, it's an incredibly empowering statement. Yeah, yeah, I think that it refers specifically to me. But it does directly relate to the other things that that have been subjects here. To back up a little bit, I think that over the years, as a person whose job it is to help people change themselves for the better, I've had to modify the traditional concept of therapist, psychotherapist, psychologist, that sort of thing. The modifications probably come down to two or three simple statements. One of them is your soul is my boss. And while that's familiar to you, Matt, it may not be to others. What I'm referring to is the things that we've talked about before each person is doing the best they can. The part of you that wants to do the best you can do is your soul. And that is the part of you that I serve. That means that if at some point you decide you don't want to see me anymore, that's up to you. On the other hand, if I feel that the part of you that doesn't want to see me anymore is not your soul. And that that part of you is sabotaging the process that we began in which I'm serving your soul. And that somebody's going to get hurt. If I don't act, then I will act. Now, I almost never act. I am very much a responsible person. And I see that as two words. In other words, I respond. If someone calls me, if someone doesn't call me, I will not respond. But there are circumstances in which I will feel the need to do something. If I feel I've been set up in some way or if I feel on some level, I'm being used. And in which case, obviously, I'm not likely to get paid. But that doesn't mean I don't have to do something. So let's now broaden this out a little bit and apply this concept, if we can, to the general public. For me, again, it's an incredibly empowering statement because it puts the power in me to decide how I'm going to proceed, whether or not society agrees with me or not, whether my boss agrees with me or not. But the decision is ultimately mine. And it feels like it's a universal concept. Well, nobody has to live inside your head but you. Nobody has to live inside your body but you. And you have to, as we've talked before, continue to do the best you can. You have to decide what rules apply to you and what rules don't. If you're going to involve me in the process, I'm going to apply my rules, which is don't hurt anybody unnecessarily, to whatever it is that you want to do. But as long as we can set a goal that's reasonable for your soul or for you to grow and to change for the better, I'm on your side. The client, from my perspective, is a sacrosanct entity. I serve the client. And it's not always in my best interest to do that. As I mentioned last time, I've gotten in trouble for doing things that serve the client more than I. But with this particular subject, it's a very interesting example. In the example of the case in which I wound up losing my license for four months, the simple reality is that everybody involved in the case, with maybe one or two exceptions, the lawyer representing the person who was about to murder three people, wanted me out. And I didn't feel I could get out because I felt that people would be hurt and perhaps killed if I didn't. So I wound up doing an awful lot of rule breaking in order to make sure nobody got hurt physically. And again, as we broaden it out here to the general public at large, or even just myself on a micro level, there certainly could be ramifications that could be negative to that lesson. Again, not doing something complete that maybe a superior had expected, but in your mind, you have made the decision that when you end the job, it's your decision and whether it has met somebody else's preconception or other benchmarks. And again, it's incredibly empowering, but you also have to be willing to accept the consequences of it. That's exactly right. And it does come down to living with yourself. The general concept that we talked about last week was rules exist and they are to be followed, unless there's a clear exception or someone is going to get hurt by following those rules. And even then, you have to take a look at what are the consequences, what's likely to happen. Nobody can predict the future. Nobody really knows what's going to happen next. What you do know is all there is is now, and there's a right thing to do now. And that may involve a certain amount of introspection, but you're in control. You're in control of what you do. You're in control of what you say. And the thoughts you have, the fear, the feelings you have, the fears you have, those all exist, but they are not actions. Actions are what determines whether a person is doing good or evil or crazy. It's interesting only because this also brings up, at least for me and my point of view, is that it also is about managing expectations. If you're interacting with another individual who happens to say that this is when I end the job and you may have been expecting something else from the person. Again, it's all about managing your expectations and then acting if those expectations are not met from another individual. Well, expectations create reality. A great deal of our perceptions are based on expectations. Reality, however, is what is, and what is only exists in the now. So if somebody tells you, oh, you expected this, sorry about that, it ain't going to happen, then you're in a position to decide what to do, given the change in circumstances. My general approach is do nothing unless you're lying down on the railroad tracks and a train is coming along. Yeah, it's interesting. Having worked with you, sometimes doing nothing is the best answer through your expert counsel I've learned. Well, there's very little that is affected by your choosing to do nothing. You still have the time to think about it, to look over your options. To a great degree, mental health is determined by the number of options you have. The number of options that you have is increased by the amount of time that you have to consider it. When you react impulsively to a situation and you're not lying down on the railroad tracks, I believe often afterwards you regret it. As I internalize that and share my own personal experience, it really does come home because of an impulsive decision that I had made to point a loaded 38 caliber revolver to my chest and pull the trigger. It was born out of something that you would just talk about, about the thought about how many choices you have affects your mental health. At that time, I felt I had no other choice. So that's a really remarkable statement that you've just made here today. Yeah, in past sessions, I pointed out that what you perceived as a tunnel of darkness was in fact not something you were inside, but something that was inside you. The other metaphor that I used was painting yourself into a corner of one floor of a building when, in fact, there are many floors in that building and the building is inside you also. Once you realize that, you see that there are many other options than the ones that you perceived at the time. You're fortunate you didn't know exactly where your heart is. Well, I'm fortunate I missed anyway. So we're speaking here with Dr. Neil Maranello in our continuing series that examines the lessons found in his tweets on Twitter. You can follow the Good Doctor. His handle is at coach Dr. Neil. Our topic for today is deciding when to finish the job is up to me. And again, for me, I just feel it's such a powerful statement and it is a natural progression of our last week's topic, which was, again, the only rules controlling me are my own. Despite everything that we live in in society, whether it be a speed limit or thou shalt not kill the 10 commandments, etc., etc., how each of us interprets that into our own life and we live by, again, is an individual empowering lesson. For me, I resonate with and I hope the listener resonates to it as well. Well, the way that I have applied it in my own life has more to do with the concept of all there is is now. When I realized I was going to retire as a psychologist and I had about a year to do it and I had about 200 different plants that I had to terminate quotes, bare quotes with, the issue for me was each time that I met with somebody might be the last time. They might decide not to come back and see me or I might die or something else might happen. So from my perspective, every time a client left my office, I wanted to make sure that they had something they could think about that gave them an opportunity to grow, that gave them more options rather than fewer options. So my focus was, in fact, on assuming, even if someone had an appointment the next week or two days after that, that person may not come back. And if that person didn't come back, did they have a direction to go in that would be growthful for them rather than result in their shriveling? And I love again that your your basic premise of operation is that my soul is your boss. And in essence, it's even my boss as well. And whether I am able to listen to it effectively to act as my soul would want, you know, that that is the challenge I think that we face as as all humans. Because how often are we dragged into petty grievances that that can consume us? So, exactly. And if you are dragged into a petty convenience that is consuming you, then probably your soul is not the boss. And in that case, there may well be another part of you that has taken over. And we all have parts of ourselves. And some of them act as if or or seem make us believe that they actually know what's right for us. But only your soul knows what's right for you. And your soul does not say, hey, let's find a mug puddle and spin our wheels. And, and, you know, again, in my own personal experience, being in that tunnel of darkness, that thought that was going through my head at the time, that I didn't want to be a burden to people anymore, seemed to be right. But again, it wasn't my soul. It was something else that was consuming me and, and, and which led to that act. So it's rather interesting that you speak about that. Yeah, that idea of I don't want to be a burden to someone anymore is as a margulite component to it or, or here's your violin, go ahead and play it and assume that there are no other individuals that are going to be affected by your action. To me, that's very much of a of an approach which doesn't take into account, the fact that we all exist, as I said in our last podcast, we all exist in relationships. And the, having been in this business as long as I have, I've had to deal with a lot of people who have had loved ones kill themselves. And the effect on those people takes quite a while to process, to work out. And the key issues that need to be worked out are understanding things like what was going on in the person's mind when they pulled the trigger. And what can you do with the rest of your life to respect that? Or are you going to allow the part of, of the you who survived to paint yourself into a corner or move into the tunnel of darkness yourself? And thankfully, I'm back under your care, you know, these podcast series being just an example of it. And in a strange way, I don't regret doing it because it's got me to now. I regret the fear that I instilled in those who love me. But I'm certainly in a much better place as a result of that action. And the fact that you survived has a huge opportunity for significance, the meaning of your survival to those people and to you is the key to your having, and this is our next week subject that was supposed to be this week, a high quality of life. I love again how we just we tie it all in. And that's it. Our next week's session topic, which was going to be this week was quality of life is the only variable that matters. Yes, I believe that most people don't understand how the way they think is a variable. Most people assume that the way they think is some sort of a constant that cannot be changed. And so they immediately assume that that the two and two is three, which they got placed in their minds a long time ago, or that they placed in their own minds as a result of a misperception is not is a basic truth. And so two and two is three, four and four is six, 200 and 200 is 300, etc. And all of the consequential tangential realities from the circle of reality, all of those tangents lead to what I call paranoid delusions, beliefs, that something that is not true are true, and that winds up controlling your behavior. Once you see what is true, and once you understand that the way you're thinking is what's determining how much you're painting yourself into a corner, then you have an option to see things differently and change your behavior and serve your own soul. And, you know, this sort of comes back to, you know, one of our what we were talking about in some earlier podcasts is about significating events, actions, etc., etc., giving significance to whatever happens really determines a future outcome. Yeah, I remember in one of the, oh, God movies where George Burns is playing God, the great religious leaders of the world are asking this supposed God all kinds of questions. And one of the questions is what is the meaning of life? And the answer that George Burns gives is the meaning of life is exactly and precisely what you think it is no more, no less. Because that's another topic of one of our future discussions, one of our future episodes here. But that's why I like the word significant. We give meaning to our lives and we've been approached by many people in many states of unrest. And at the same time, finding a way to significate what has happened and how they think in a way that allows them to grow rather than shrivel is the key to my doing my job, right? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, speaking from personal experience, I know I've had incorrect thinking. And I think it's important to know, and this is for the general public here, you may be under the illusion that you can't control your thoughts or that your thinking pattern is established and it cannot change. And yet, you know, through my work with you, I've certainly realized that the mind is very malleable and very easily manipulative. And I kind of want you to just speak about that, particularly as it relates to the subconscious and, you know, whether it be repeating phrases over and over and having that that they get in in a way to change behavior to change thinking. Well, when someone comes to me, they have a way of thinking. And it's my job to figure out what that way is. There are really only so many ways of thinking. Each person is different from every other person. But there are a limited number of possible ways in which a person can take the ball and run with it on the holographic field of the mind. There is a subconscious and there is a conscious and they have processes by which they work. That doesn't change the fact that if I do my job right, I can give each person that meets with me a way of thinking that enables them to process things when they're not with me. At most, even if someone's meeting with me once or twice a week, you know, there's 23 hours that day and 24 hours the other days that they're living with themselves, not with me. But if I do my job right, they're also living with me. They have something that I said in their minds that they have to argue with because it makes sense given how they think. And so I get to do my job even when I'm sleeping. And I can seriously attest to that is like, I have conversations with you in my brain when you and I are not actually physically talking to each other. I am discussing the challenge or the concept that I'm wrestling with with you in my brain. So it's sort of like, you know, I get you your wisdom without actually being in the same room or being on a phone with you. Yeah, we can figure out a way that I can charge for that because I will be very happy. Well, and there are things that I refer to as nihilisms, if you will, sort of these lessons that we're talking about in this podcast series that are now intrinsically part of me and my thought process, but I attribute them to you as quote unquote, nihilisms. Well, your nihilisms are in fact nothing more than me inside your head, arguing as your soul would argue with the rest of you. In other words, if I'm doing my job right, the nihilism that you have is your soul talking to you because that's my boss and that's what I want to be saying to you. And that's when you do call me, hopefully what I'm saying reflects that. And to that end, you know, we've worked together for so many years that instead of an hour session, you're very able within 15 to 20 minutes to be able to flip that switch in my brain that is allowing me to move past that obstacle and go in the correct way of thinking. And I'm grateful that you have the key that's able to flip that switch for me. Well, the key is nothing more than understanding how you think and knowing that I am a gladiator. I am someone who will fight for what's right for you, even if it's not what's right for me. So what we have there is a representative of your soul. My job is to communicate to you within your own mind what you know is right for you. Now, I want to be very clear that when I use the word soul, I'm not talking about something that comes from God or that there is that that's going to exist beyond your life or not. I just don't know whether that's true or not. If the question is, do I believe in God? The answer is yes. But the reason is I believe that there is a force for good in the universe. Just as I believe that there's a force for evil in the universe, and the force for good serves truth and the force for evil serves fear. But the bottom line on it is I don't have to go beyond my own subconscious to accept that there is a force for good in the universe. However, I have to say that enough external things have confirmed realities. Just yesterday, there was an experience that I had in which something that I had no control over confirmed for several other people, a statement that I had made that contradicted what someone who was serving evil was saying. I had absolutely no way of knowing that that would come out, but it did. Now, maybe it was just random, it's possible that everything is just random. On the other hand, I choose to believe that it's not. I thought there is a synchronicity, and particularly when you see the synchronicities, it is an awareness that there is some sort of an alignment that is occurring, and that it might be advantageous to follow it. And maybe what we do is create that. Maybe we just project it. We wouldn't have seen it if we weren't looking for it. There's all kinds of ways of explaining things that agree with some chaotic random explanation of the universe, or even that buy into the idea that we're all existing in a computer simulation. Where I'm at is I don't care what I do works, and as long as it works, I'm going to keep doing it. Over 70,000 hours in the human behavior field that qualifies him as a behavior expert. We're speaking with Dr. Neil Maranello. He is a solutions focused life coach from Woodstock, Vermont. Our topic for today's discussion is deciding when I finish the job is up to me. Your final thoughts on today's topic, Neil. Yeah, we talked last week about the importance of following my own rules and living with myself. In my perspective, I spend probably two, minimum of two, up to four to five hours a day alone processing the people I'm going to meet with that day, the thoughts I have in association with that, and there isn't really a lot of logical thought that goes into that. There's just what I would call ah-has, the experience of, oh, yeah, that feels right. Let me check that out with so-and-so. And when I check it out, it may turn out to be true. It may not be, but often it gets validated, and I'm much better at it now than I was 10 years from now. I don't know whether I'll be alive 10 years from now or 10 years ago, but I definitely have got my act more together now than I did 10 years ago. And if my brain keeps working the way I hope it does, and my mind keeps working the way it has been working for the last 60-odd years, I really believe that growth takes place inside each of us in a way which allows us to feel better about ourselves. And if we're not moving in the right direction, it doesn't take too much looking in the mirror to realize that. And it certainly is our hope with this podcast series that it will continue for several years to come with your expert insight, but even after you've done that the podcast series will live on and continue to hopefully assist future generations as they navigate the world around them. Good Mental Health, it's a series examining the lessons found in the tweets of Dr. Neil Maranello. You can find him on Twitter at coach Dr. Neil, a reminder you can always comment, and we'll be sure to address your questions, your comments in an upcoming podcast. Join us next time on Good Mental Health when our topic will be quality of life is the only variable that matters. On behalf of the Good Doctor, I'm Matt Kelly wishing you good mental health.