 Eenie-meenie, miney-mo, it's time to start another show, so hang around and don't go away. I'll be right back with Alice Faye. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. Here's the Phil Harris Alice Faye show transcribed, written by Ed James and Al Schwartz with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's minor catastrophe is called Phil and Elliot play detective, or Jessica, your dragon, your net. First is a word from RCA Victor. Victor, program Alice Faye and Phil. Must come to an end, but bad things come to an end as well, which means that Phil Harris' band rehearsal is finally over. Right now we find Phil and Elliot strolling casually up Hollywood Boulevard on what would otherwise be a very pleasant afternoon. Oh, well, a jingle bells, a jingle bells, a jingle all the way. I see by all the papers that the smog is here to stay. A jingle bells, a jingle bells, a jingle all the way. If Sanny Claus is late this year, it means he lost his way. A jingle bells, a jingle bells, a jingle bells. Hey, Curly, you know something? You ain't kiddin' about the old gin, gettin' to be that time. Yeah, you said it. This time of year is beautiful, ain't it, Elle? Decorations all up and down Hollywood Boulevard. The store windows all lit up. The people all lit up. Shame on you. That's no way to talk. Not around Christmas. No, you know what I mean, Curly. Everybody looks so happy and everything. Yeah, just think of it, Elliot. Another couple of weeks and we'll all be opening up our Christmas packages. Yeah, then another couple of weeks and we'll all be opening the bills. What's the matter with you today, Elliot? Gee whiz, what happened to your Christmas spirit? Well, it's a little early in the day. No. Well, I mean you ought to be out spreadin' joy. You know, buyin' Christmas presents and stuff like that. I already bought my Christmas presents. All of them? Yep. For everybody? Everybody. Me? Like Curly. You know, I wouldn't forget you. Ah, you shouldn't have done it, Elliot. I know, but what could I do? Say, Elliot, you didn't buy me anything like last year, did you? You'll find out. Look, I don't want any more shrunken cannibal heads. Now you don't have to worry, Curly. I got you something real practical this year. And Alice, too. Oh, you did, huh? Yeah. What'd you get, Alice? Oh, she's gonna love it. I got her a beautiful set of left-handed golf clubs. Oh, Jesus. Alice ain't left-handed. No, but I am. Well, she can't play all the time, and I figured maybe I could learn. Oh, Elliot, that's no way to buy Christmas presents. You gotta, you gotta put your heart into it. Like me. You know what I bought, Phyllis? The finest set of electric trains you can get. Look what you got her last year. I know, but I broke them. You know what I got, little Alice? A life-sized teddy bear. You wind it up, and it walks and talks. Wait, wait, wait a minute, Curly. Little Alice is 14. Ain't she a little old for a teddy bear? What are you talking about? I'm older than she is, and I've got one. I couldn't sleep without it. Well, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow. Okay, what'd she say? I don't know. Nobody ever told me. Hey, Curly, what'd you get for Big Alice? Oh, Big Alice, I haven't made up my mind yet. Of course, there's a lot of things I could get her. Like a diamond necklace or a yacht. You know, stuff like that. Oh, sure. I know all about stuff like that. But then I said to myself, I said, Phil, maybe she'd rather have something you can pay for. That seems logical. What'd you finally pick out? Well, you suppose she'd like some lifesavers? I don't know why, but I think she'd rather have a yacht. See, what a problem I've got. Well, don't you worry. We'll figure out something. How about some bubble baths? She don't use it. Perfume? She don't use it. Soap? She don't... Almost got me, didn't ya? Not as close. Hey, Curly, look at that. That pet shop. There's a whole window full of puppies. Yeah. Hey, that's it. That's what I'll get her. A puppy? Well, no, some kind of a pet. You know something she'd love it. Something that's real cute. Something that she can hold in her laugh and fondle. Cut it out. You know, we've already got little nipper. That's the RCA dog. So we don't want no dog, but there ought to be something. How about a skunk? Skunky and nuts. You know, I ain't nuts. A friend of mine owned a skunk and they're cute. No trouble at all. You never have to go looking for them, either. Always know where they are. How true. Hey, look in there. Look at those puppies, Elliot. They're cute little dick and society. Hey, look over there. Look at that big one. Where? In the middle. Hey, Elliot, get a load of those floppy ears, that long snoot and that silly look at that. Hey, wait a minute. How come he's wearing a necktie? What? Oh, I'm sorry, Elliot. That's you. I saw that reflection in there. Thanks for picking me out. I always wondered why I had a cold nose. Hey, Elliot, come on. Let's go in there and see what we can see. Bring him that back already. Good afternoon, gentlemen. Can I be of service? Oh, yes, sir. I certainly hope so. You see, I want to buy my wife a pet for Christmas and, well, I don't know quite what to give her. Hey, you're Phil Harris, aren't you? Yeah, that's right. Oh, sharp. He knows me. He knows alligators, too. This was quite a coincidence. Jack Benny was in this morning and he bought a pet for Mary Livingston. Well, how about that? Old Jackson finally gave up some of his loot, huh? What did he buy? Well, he almost bought a Dalmatian until he found out they cost $75. After you threw the ice water on him, what did he buy? A white rabbit and a can of black paint. Got some goldfish, curling. Nah, they ain't sexy enough. I'd like to get her something different, something unusual. How about some kangaroos? Some kangaroos. Well, you know, they got those pouches in the front, so I figured we could spot them around the ping-pong table and shoot some pool. Sorry, but we don't carry kangaroos. Oh, that's too bad. I was just going to order six of them. Oh, have you thought of buying one of our feathered friends? You sell Indians? We have a large variety of birds. Perhaps your wife would like a canary. No, no, I don't think so. She's like every other wife. She likes to do her own chirping. Hey, what's that? That? Oh, that's Arnold, our talking crow. A talking crow, huh? Let's hear him say something. All right, Arnold, say something for the nice gentleman. Crowey, crowey, crowey, wanna crack her? Hey, he's kind of cute. You know, you could make a real pal out of this young crow. Yeah. And I've been friends for years. Why'd you buy him, Curly? Oh, me buy a crow? I wouldn't know what to feed him. Oh, it's very simple. All you need is a little corn. That we got. Hey, listen to that kid. He's pretty sharp, ain't he? Hey, do you think Alice would like him? Like him? She'll love him. Well, Mr. Harris, have you decided about Arnold? Go ahead, Curly. Okay. I like him. I'll take him, mister. Hey, listen to him. He likes me, too. Not you, Alice V. Wow! Okay, but you better learn to love harmony grits, too. I want some manly fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas Then give me a hay-rack full of hot biscuits And make my coffee black, if you please Cause if you beat me, I'll addix it In that style Gonna have yourself a jargon molasses You gonna have yourself a jargon molasses You gonna have yourself a jargon molasses You gonna have yourself a high-passing harmony grits And then I want some of that red-eyed air And then give me a great big bowl of that milk gravy And you'd have such a happy man Cause when I smell mad and I say Lead me up to the table And give me lots of elbow room I want some manly fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas Then give me a hay-rack full of them biscuits And make my coffee black, if you please Cause if you beat me, I'll addix it In that style I want some manly fried whole cake And some good old black-eyed peas Then give me a hay-rack full of them biscuits And make my coffee black, if you please Cause if you beat me, I'll addix it Well, Alice might be back from the market And I don't want her to see Arnold until Christmas Oh, oh We're gonna hide him, Curly How about the garage? Alice will see him Hey, wait a minute, I got it Put him in the canary cage Who me? Ah! All right, I see what you mean Death in the afternoon Curly, it's Julius Get Arnold out of sight How? Stick him under your coat Okay, Arnold, now get in And remember, no tickling Get in Ah! Hi, Julius What? I mean, swallow Well, we can explain that Can't we, Curly? Oh, sure, sure Go ahead, explain Well, you see, Julius, there's this old Indian legend That says, um, when feathers fall from sky Um, they land them on floor How about the attic? He'll be all right there on Christmas And you can take care of him Yeah, that's a good idea Wait a minute, I'll get the key Where is it? Here in this desk drawer Hold Arnold for a second, will you? Yes, sure Ah, boy, nice Arnold Yeah, here's the key right here I... Wait a minute What's the matter? Look what I found What? Alice's checkbook So that's where it lives The little devil Hey, Curly, how about Arnold? Arnold, you coulda' kid And he couldn't write a check For eight dollars, Arnold Look at this I'll just stick him in the closet for now, huh? Okay Hey, Elliot, have you ever seen so many numbers? Yeah Wait till I give the bird the brush Be a good little crow, Arnold Man, let me just thumb through these stubs Christmas seal fund, a hundred dollars Children's hospital, five hundred dollars Ah, ain't she wonderful Keep reading, Curly, I could listen forever Boys' town, three hundred dollars Bananas, seventy-five dollars Salvation Army Wait a minute, Curly What was that? Salvation Army No, no, the other one About the bananas Oh, uh, Bananas, seventy-five dollars What about it? That's a lot of dough for bananas, eh? We eat a lot of bananas, that's it Community chest, a thousand dollars Girl Scouts of America, a hundred dollars Bananas Two hundred dollars A thousand dollars for bananas You must like bananas A hundred and seventy-five dollars for bananas What can you do with that many bananas? What can you do with how many skins? Here it is again, two hundred and twenty-five That makes five hundred dollars for bananas Who do you suppose bananas is? Well, uh, Shane it Who do you...what? Not what, Curly Who? Now, wait a minute, hold it, Clyde Curly, you world, to suspect anybody Oh, sure, sure But five hundred bucks for bananas It's gotta mean something else What? Well, she wouldn't put down five hundred dollars For Sam, would she? Who's Sam? Bananas Sam? Bananas? You poor guy Now, wait a minute If you need a witness, you know me pal My right arm up to there What I need a witness for Well, you're not gonna let Alice get away with it, are you? With what? Sam How do you know his name is Sam? Curly, it's obvious Would it be Gomer Bananas? No, I don't believe it would I know It's Sam Elliot, you got it all wrong A wonderful girl like Alice Wouldn't do a thing like that She wouldn't? Okay After all the years we've been married Okay We've got a home with two beautiful daughters And besides, she's nuts about me Ain't she? I said okay You ought to be ashamed of yourself Even thinking... Uh-oh What's matter Curly? Here's another two hundred For Sam Bananas Oh, Elliot, what am I gonna do? Well, I know what I'd do All right, now look Let's not jump into this thing Maybe it means something else She wouldn't Phil, Phil, I'm home and I brought you some Phil, what are you doing with my checkbook? It's community property, you know We'll talk about it later Okay, then we'll talk about something else first Bananas Bananas As in checkbook That banana Yeah, that banana Who is he? You wouldn't know him, Phil He hangs around with another bunch Now you listen to me Give me an explanation Any explanation Well, uh I can't talk to you now, Phil But I've got a right to know Later, later, please I've got to practice my song You mean now? Right now Wee Wee I'll explain In case you didn't guess Toot toot train It's heaven to be ridin' The honeymoon express The quarter, shoe shoe quarter Toot toot train Please pardon us for hidin' In case you didn't guess Toot toot train It's heaven to be ridin' You just came from the market I did Well, this is another market Give me one of those checks What for? We're out of bananas. Did Alice ever spend any time in Hawaii? I don't know why. She sure wiggled down on that one. Oh, that was another good one, Davey. What do you mean? She just had to go to the market. That's all. When she gets back, she'll explain the whole thing. If she gets back, what do you mean if? Curly, how long are you supposed Mr. Bananas is going to wait? Oh, yeah. Sam, huh? What did I ever do to him? Why does he want to break up my home? Oh, Curly. Well, I don't care. Maybe it ain't too late. We got to find Sam and talk him out of it. Oh, how are we going to do that? Well, we tell him how tight Alice is with her dough, how she spends half her time in a beauty parlor, how she burns the water when she's making tea. Curly? Yeah? You sure you want Alice back? Well, sure, I'm sure. I'm nuts about it. Even with the burnt tea. Then we got to find Sam. OK, let's hire a detective. Curly. What's the matter? You would hire a detective to follow a nice girl like Alice, your wife, the mother of your children. Poor Shane. You got to do something. I'm sure. But why hire a detective? We follow her ourselves. Now, wait a minute, Elliot. I don't know. Now, Elliot's a cinch. I'm an expert at this stuff. After all, half of my friends were Martin Cain. Bill Gargan, Lloyd Nolan, Lee Tracy, Mark Stevens. Hart Linkletter, know he's next. This guy, Sam, will never know what hit him. For your information, for your information, I might do the crawl before the show's over. For your information, it'll be me. I'm going to do it. Hey, Curly, there she is on the other side of the street. Pull up to the curb and we'll tail her. Yeah. There she goes into Cassie's beauty salon. How do you like that? She's taken my appointment. Hey, Curly, she went into the bank. Well, let's get comfortable. If she's counting her money, it'll take all day. Curly, this may be it. Did you see where she went? Where? Sam's Fifth Avenue. That's Sacks. Oh. Well, we'll wait. Curly, she went back to the bank. It figures. Curly, she went to the butcher shop. What happened to the bank? Curly, there he is. Sam, see him? He and Alice are getting into that foreign car. You mean that Sam? He looks more like Gomer. Yeah, but look at that car. That car, a yellow jaguar. Hey, look at that car. Oh, man, that's really something, ain't it? The close of the doors, Curly. Look at the lines on that car. Oh, that's the prettiest job I've ever seen. Sam's starting to motor. Yeah, listen to it, Purr. Like a baby boy. What I'd give for a car like that. Hey, Curly, he's driving away. Yeah, man, that's a pretty car. But how about Alice? Oh, she's pretty, too, but she ain't got the lines at that Alice. Don't worry. We'll jump in our car and catch him. See, Mrs. Harris, it's a pretty car. Yes, it is a very comfortable car, but I just... Hey, Alice! Alice! Oh, it's my husband. Oh, dear. All right, Alice, pull over there. Keep going. What, Mrs. Harris? I said keep going. Faster! Alice, pull over there now. I want to talk to you. Oh, he mustn't find out. Can't you make this thing go any faster? Alice! It won't go over 35. There's a governor on it. Well, take it off. I can. Alice, I said stop that car now. Stop it. Mrs. Harris, I don't want to get into any trouble with your husband. I got news for you. You're in trouble. All right. Pull over there, will you? Mr. Harris, you're too close. All right. Shovel over, Alice. Shovel over it is, Captain. Mr. Harris, stop. Oh, please. Sorry, Mr. Butterfield. I... And Mr. Butterfield. Okay, Sam, start talking. Sam! Don't you get away, huh, bananas? Listen, listen, I'll listen plenty. We got some questions for Sam dance. Yeah. What kind of mileage you get on this crate, Sam? Oh. How about 15 in town? 20 on the road. Good rope. All right. All right. Well, I just thought I'd find out. Oh, Phil, you had to spoil everything. I spoil everything. Oh, that's great. You're running around with Sam bananas, and I ain't supposed to do nothing, huh? You ought to be ashamed. You ought to be ashamed. After all the times, I've promised to go on the wagon. Just for you. We sure made a mess out of Sam's cart, didn't we? Yeah, it serves him right. I ought to mess him up more than he's ever done. Oh, Phil, you had to spoil everything. I spoil everything. Oh, that's great. You're running around with Sam bananas, and I ain't supposed to do nothing, huh? You ought to mess him up more than he's car. It isn't his car, Phil. It's yours. Okay, then I ought to... What? It's a banana-colored jaguar, and I bought it for you for Christmas. Oh, my God. Mouse and Phil will be back in just a moment. It costs less than ever to enjoy your favorite music with RCA Victor's new 45 extended play records. These exciting new records bring you twice as much music up to 15 minutes per record for as little as a dollar and 40 cents. For RCA Victor dealer tomorrow, ask him to show you the Victrola 45 automatic phonographs with a famous golden throat tone system and the new Victrola 45 attachments that budget price at $16.75. Listen to them all with the economical new 45 extended play records by RCA Victor. Cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. This is Phil again. Part of the thoughtfulness of Christmas giving is to be sure your gifts or cards are received on time. Your packages carefully and mail them early, huh? Thanks, and good night. Good night, everybody. Scrooted in this program transcribed were Mel Blank, Herb Butterfield, and Lee Malar. A part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation.