 Good mental health. I'm your host Matt Kelly. I'm pleased to have your company as we enjoy another in our series of podcasts that examine the tweets of our behavior expert and solutions focused life coach Dr. Neil Maranello. We began our series with I am the most important person in the world to me we continued with there is no part of you that is not a part of me. Each of us lives in our own reality. None of us is better than anyone else. And each of us is doing the best we can with what we have our topic for today's discussion is the only rules controlling me are my own and I'm pleased to be joined on our podcast by our expert Dr. Neil Maranello Neil. It's always a pleasure to see you here by zoom and to welcome you to the show. I'm enjoying it too. Wonderful. So our topic for today's discussion again is the only rules controlling me are my own. Give us a snapshot of what the theory behind this tweet is and try to you know put it into everyday practice for all of us. Yeah, well, it begins with just the fact that I'm the only person who has to live with myself 24 seven. And that's true with just about everybody. So I need to set my own rules. And the rules after the setup or ones that work for me, even if they don't necessarily work for anybody else. For me the most important rule is don't hurt anyone unnecessarily. But obviously I have other rules. The, the, there's a variety of way of looking at it. I start with the fact that rules are necessary. Every country, every company, every business, every job. Every profession needs rules. And in the mental health biz, which is what I've been in for a long time. The rules are called ethical guidelines. The, I apologize, can you say that one more time. Ethical guidelines. Okay. In other words, the operative word there is ethical. Ethical has one meaning and guidelines has another. The simple reality is that no rule applies to all situations. Ethics is what other people tell me I should do in a situation they've never been in before. The moral thing to do for me is the best thing I can do in order to feel okay about myself. It's the right thing to do in the situation I'm in at the moment. Now, I grew up in a environment in which both my parents were Columbia law school graduates. It took me a while to understand the sort of things that my mother was saying to me. But one of the things that she believed is that rules are made to be broken. And that took me quite a while to understand what she meant by that. I follow the rules. That's my general thing. I don't, I don't like disobeying rules. But if I find myself in a situation which I, which I think only I can make better by breaking the rules in order to keep people from being hurt. Then I do my best to do the right thing. But I of course have to take the consequences. I was practicing as a psychologist. There were a few times I got into trouble for doing what I considered to be the moral thing rather than what the guideline said was the ethical thing. There was the time that my license to practice as a psychologist was suspended for four months, because I had to break the rules in order to keep three people from being killed. And it was the time I was targeted by a dangerous crazy lady in an attempt to shake down my insurance company. The simple reality is that there are times when every rule can and should be broken, but when in doubt, the best bet is to follow the rule. So, again, our topic here is that the only rules that are governing me are my own and yet here in, you know, the beginning of our conversation you had stated that every country every state every city every business has rules. So, aren't those rules governing us as well, or are what you saying. It is still my rule whether I follow those rules. Yes. I mean, sometimes the rules are what we call laws. And laws are definitely to be followed. But there are, like with all rules, there are times when following those, those laws may in fact create a conflict, a conflict for the person who's in that position. Where I'm coming from, I guess, is that when in doubt, follow the rules, follow the laws. But there are times that the exception comes up. We have to understand that that truth is a variable that what is true today is not what was true 10 years ago, 20 years ago. The rules are variable. It's possible to do marijuana now. It wasn't a while ago. The things that were acceptable. I recently watched a movie, My Fair Lady, which won the Oscar I believe in the early 1960s. It was almost impossible to tolerate. There were so many things in that in that remake of Malian that were in fact, revolting to anybody who's grown up recently. So we have to take into account the fact that that all rules are are temporary. And that they exist and they exist to be followed. If you take professions, for example, one thing that very few people understand is that in order to protect itself, every profession has as its first ethical guideline, something that isn't actually written there, which is, make sure that you don't get in trouble with the other people in the profession. The reality is that the first rule should always be protect your client to the best you can not to hurt people. But if you look at the practical reality of the practice of any profession, the first rule is always don't get the other guys in trouble. You know, as I, you know, kind of examine this a little bit more, I would think that this could be a an area of contention for society, that if each individual believed that the only rules governing their behavior were their own, that society as a as a whole may be may feel threatened by that and particularly even those maybe in power may feel threatened by someone who doesn't believe a certain convention and acts as his own will affords. And I think that the basic concept of you can swing your arm anywhere you want as long as you don't hit anybody applies. Take it to take that. Take the idea of libertarianism, for example, that whole concept says that the rules that the country puts on us is not not rules which which necessarily apply to me. On the other hand, if what I'm doing is causing harm to other people, or even to myself, then you have to take into account the reality that that's that's affecting other people society has to set up certain rules. Without that, you wind up with with anarchy, and every experiment that I've seen about that doesn't seem to work, even the really good TV shows. And even, you know, as you say, you know all rules are made to be broken I would think that even society breaks its own rules, for example, thou shalt not kill and yet capital punishment is still practiced in some states here in the 21st century. Well, exactly and that shall not kill is a rule that was set up by God supposedly in the, in the Bible, but any one of the commandments, every one of the commandments has an exception. There are circumstances in which obviously, if someone is about to to kill my wife, I might and I have the opportunity to stop that person. I would have to consider it, although I would have to say that in my particular case, I don't believe in any form of physical violence at any time. I actually had that happen at one time. Someone pulled out of pulled a gun out on me and look like they were going to shoot me. Wow. And what I said to that person was, you can kill me but after I'm dead, I'm still going to haunt you. I have no doubt about that theory right there. What I would I like about this concept here again that the only rules controlling me or my own. To me it dovetails right back with, you know, some of the topics of our of our podcast series, particularly beginning the first one which is, I am the most important person in the world to me, and those two to me almost seem to be, you know, parallel or intersecting along a certain line. Well, I don't think it's possible to take yourself into account without your context. In other words, we all exist in a social situation and an argument can be made that the only way to really define yourself is through your relationships. That's one reason why some movies and books have made a big deal out of someone who's left to go by themselves. Sometimes when a person comes to me and they are in a state of depression in and dealing with the feeling of a no me of being totally alone. I'm not alone to give them an assignment. And the assignment is assume that the neutron bomb has dropped. And the neutron bomb is the one that kills all the people. And for some reason you're still alive. What are you going to do. We're going to spend your time. You know, you may or may not know whether there are other people alive. Are you going to look for them. And the person once said well I'm going to kill myself I said well how let's go into detail and after they had written it up for a while they decided well maybe let it go for a while. It's, it's very difficult to say, the only person that matters to me is me, and the only rules that matter are the rules that I make myself, without taking your relationships into context and being aware of the fact that that you can't define yourself without taking other people into context. And again it to me it just feels like it dovetails with our third topic which is again each of us lives in our own reality and it is these rules, internal rules that govern that reality. And those internal rules nearly all come from external sources. In other words we grow up, and we're being told by these giants who we see as gods. What their roles are, and we tend to buy them totally and accept them until we find out that that in this particular situation that's not true. You know, whether you start with Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. Yeah, or any of those things. I remember, because I was virtually two years younger than everybody else in my class and skipped a couple of grades. I was sitting in the fourth grade class with people that were two years older than me, and the teacher mentioned in passing there wasn't any Santa Claus. I had to gulp back my tears. Well cool. Now, in the interest of full disclosure I've been a client of Dr. Neal's off and on over the past 25 years it's been that long meal. And what I found very interesting is that you've actually shared that neutron bomb story with me when we've been actually in consultation. And I may have been that one who said that I would kill myself. So, when you bring it back here today, certainly brought back many of the times that we've been in consultation before. I wasn't actually thinking about you I was thinking about somebody else but definitely you're not the only one that has said that. In one case I remember taking a person, you know to they said well, I'll go to a drug store and I'll help myself to the drugs because there aren't any people there. I said okay what drugs are you going to take. And we carried it all the way through to the point where the person was trying to decide whether to swallow the drugs and how much to take, and then decided well I'll wait for a couple of days. And that's what everybody would do in that situation but when you actually have to face the fact that you're about to end the only thing that you know, which is life. Sometimes you have second thoughts, your particular case you didn't when you held the gun to your heart and pulled trigger. On the other hand, I think that now you're happy that you didn't succeed. And I will say that you know I still suffer from mental health issues. There are times when I'm feeling low and that is an easy way out and and the thought of it is still present so as much as I've come through this incredible experience, certainly traumatic. I don't think I'm out of the woods yet. I'm certainly much better than I was before and you and I are in constant communication, whereas during that time we weren't so I know that you're on my team to help me interpret correctly. The messages I might be receiving. That's well said. The truth is that I tell, I've never fired a client and I tell all of my clients that I'm available during the times that I'm awake, which is basically 330 in the morning until eight at night. And anybody that calls me during that time will get me. The best me that I can present to them at that particular moment in time. Well, and just to share on that I mean just this past weekend you and I were in communication over again an issue I've had with my neighbor who feels disrespectful to what is in essence a quiet ordinance in the city as well as in their lease and how much it is my mental health and my physical health by, you know, disturbing rest anywhere from 10 to seven in the morning. So, yeah, I think that the, the operative question that that I have to answer, and it's not that I'm holding myself up as a totally mentally healthy person. I have bad times to as everybody does. But the question that I asked myself is, is there anything I can do right now that will help me feel even just a little bit better about myself without hurting anybody. Can you say that again, I think that's just really, really important and just a crux to getting over an incident that maybe troubles. Yeah, the question that I asked myself and that I suggest that others ask themselves is, is there anything I can do right now that will help me feel even just a little bit better about myself without hurting anybody. And of course, I'm included in the anybody. That's so powerful. We are enjoying our podcast series with our behavior expert and solutions focus life coach Dr Neil Maranello we're examining his tweets in depth. As part of the series you can always always follow Dr Neil directly on Twitter at coach Dr Neil. So Neil give us a final wrap up here on this theory. The only rules controlling me are my own. Well, I think that it's, it seems simple but it actually is a little more complex than it than it originally appears. For example, I've probably the most difficult kind of client to work with as an addict. And I've spent a lot of time talking to addicts doing what I could to help them. At one point, and I don't totally dismiss this now. I decided that an addict is somebody who can't follow their own rules. You share that with me again, or disclosure, I believe, and we've even shared this and talked about it I have an addictive personality or have exhibited addictive behavior. And, and when I set rules. Nowadays, my rules mostly have to do with food, but when I set rules for myself, and I find that I'm not following them. I have to look in the mirror and say okay Neil, you know what are you going to do about that. I can't be an ostrich, I can't hide my head in the sand, although I understand ostriches don't actually hide their heads in the sand it's just a good metaphor. You also have this this issue of can't versus won't. And when you come to rules, you have to deal with what many people refer to as willpower. My own belief is that that it should be called won't power. There's a lot more to do with what you're not allowed to do, but you are allowed to do. And the word can't is also a difficult word because the truth is that no matter how hard you try you can't fly. You can follow your own rules, especially if there's an appropriate motivation for it. And most addicts could follow their own rules if at the end of the day they had a million dollars coming to them. But the simple reality is that understanding the normal concept of you have to live with yourself. You have to make rules that work for you. You have to look in the mirror when it looks like you're not following those rules. And that's the basis for having good mental health without kidding yourself. And it feels like that the statement requires an inner strength or a self realization, in a sense that perhaps the everyday general public going about their business, certainly doesn't have in the forefront of their mind. Well, one thing that most people don't seem to accept is that most of life is muddling that you basically are just going from one situation to another and trying to keep from from screwing up. And again, that is what our previous episode was about. Everyone's doing the best they can with what they have to get from one situation to the next. And the reality here is very simple, which is that you want to get from one situation to another, as well as you can, without getting yourself in trouble without getting other people in trouble. But it doesn't change the fact that the more you can take care of yourself, the more you can be on top of what is called your ADLs, your activities of daily living. And hopefully get up at the same time every morning, do the same things every morning. Make sure I take the right pills at the right time, try to eat the same sort of things that work for me. That's what works best for me. It may or may not be what works best for others. But the key to being able to be happy is to know that you've got your act more together now than you did a month ago and hopefully you'll have your act more together a month from now than you do now. And it feels again that the one of the concepts really at the crux of this statement is free will. Yes. And I think that the free will is argued among the philosophers, but the simple reality of that is you can accomplish anything. If you're single minded. If your intent is is one which works for you and for and doesn't hurt other people. So deciding on what my goal is, maybe the single most important thing that I have to do at any given moment in time. And anybody who says that it's possible to do two things at the same time is on some level exaggerating. It's not possible to be to multitask, but it's not possible to multitask in a way that gets each job done perfectly. Well, yeah, that's my definition is my definition of multitasking is doing several things at once poorly. Yes. Well, the simple reality is that you have to have to accept that the most important concept in mental health is what I call the good enough concept. You have to do it perfectly you just have to do it in a good enough way. And if you can get that job done in a good enough way and do that do two or three other jobs at the same time. Fine. No, but it doesn't change the fact that that setting a goal for yourself, focusing on that goal working towards achieving that goal is the single best way to make up rules that work. Dr. Neil Maranello examining his tweets. And as part of our series here good mental health my special thanks to the good doctor reminder that you can always follow him directly on Twitter at coach Dr Neil will be back again next week with another episode. And for the good doctor on that Kelly wishing you good mental health.