 The Jack Benny program, with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday Jack Benny returned from a crypt in New York, where he attended the dinner given for Bob Holt by the Friars Club. Right now it's morning, and Jack is just getting up. Ah, good morning, Rochester. Good morning, boy. I had your sleep. Oh, pretty good. Only I was awfully cold last night. You're cold every night. Maybe you haven't got enough blood. Rochester, I'm not anemic. Now lay out my clothes and get me a clean shirt. I don't want to be late for rehearsal. Yes, sir. Not anemic. I wonder what he'd say if he found out that every morning I was sneaking in the bathroom and put ketchup on his razor to keep up his morale. Let's see. The shirt should be in this drawer. Socks, handkerchiefs, sweaters. Uh oh, what's this? A bottle of ketchup. Rochester, how about my shirt? Coming by. By the drawer, I noticed a bottle of ketchup. Oh, you did, eh? Yeah. Where'd you get it? Rochester, come here a minute. Huh? I got a little surprise for you. Surprise? If you keep putting it on, I'm going to keep scraping it off. I'm not wasting it just to please my vanity. Look, I want to... Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Come on in. When did you get back from New York? Oh, about four o'clock this morning. It was a nice trip, though. How'd the Bob Hope dinner turn out? Oh, it was swell. Everybody was there. She was a celebrity. And you know what? I sat on the dais right next to Bernard Baruch. Oh, that's wonderful. You haven't seen him since you went to school together. You know, Mary, you always say the cutest thing just before you get a cotton salary. Oh, I was only teasing. Now, you better hurry. We'll be late for rehearsal. Why? We've got a lot... Oh, my goodness. Look what time it is. I never realized it was this late. You still have to shave. I know, I know. It won't take long. I'll take off my tie. I'll get the razor. I'll get the ketchup. We're having time for that now. You go get the car, Rochester. We'll be down in a minute. Try the motor again, Rochester. Yes, sir. Try it again, Rochester. Only this time, step on the throttle, advance the spark, pull out the choke, and hold down the clutch. Keep talking, boss. So far, you haven't named one thing we've done. All right, all right. Try the motor again. Jack, last month when the automobile show was in town, you said you were going down and looking at a new car. I did, but the one I wanted to buy, they're not making yet. You see, it's that revolutionary car with three wheels. Three wheels? Is that good? It's one more than we've got now. Oh, stop. Try the motor again. Yes, sir. I knew we wouldn't have any trouble. Because here we are at the studio. Yes, sir. I wish there was some place to park along the street here. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. Why don't you put it in a parking lot? Yeah, I guess we'll have to. All right, Rochester, drive in here. Oh, boy, a real parking lot. We like to have the boys down at the lines about this. Never mind. Just go in. Rochester, you go over and pay the attendant. Miss Livington and I are going into the studio. Yes, sir. Come on, Mary. Hey, Jack, look at that beautiful car driving in. Gee, what a car. A chauffeur in uniform and everything. Must be the president of the network. Here we are, sir. Thank you, James. There we get Dennis. Let's watch this. I'll get your things out of the car, sir. Your coat, sir. Thank you. Your hat, sir. Thank you. Your Wall Street Journal. Thank you. Your Buck Rogers disintegrator. Thanks. Hey, Dennis. Dennis. Huh? Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Gee, Dennis, I've never seen such a beautiful car. Where'd you get it? Oh, my mother gave it to me for a going-away present. Dennis, where are you going? Well, she doesn't care as long as I go. We'd better get into the studio. We'll be late. Yeah, come on. Let's go. Okay, fellas, let's run through that number once more. Hold it, Bob. Hold it. I'm here. Oh, hi, Jack. I was just rehearsing the band. Well, like it. Say, wait a minute. Aren't some of the boys missing? Yeah, Remli, Bagby, and Sammy the drummer won't be here for the show. Why not? Well, last night they were listening to a quiz program, and the emcee was asking questions about arithmetic. What's that got to do with it? Well, one of the questions was about fractions. It was, how many times will one-fifth go into three? So they started working it out. Uh-huh. And by the time they killed off 22-fifths, they lost interest in the answer. I can't understand. I thought when Phil Harris left, the boys would change. Oh, they will, Jack. They will. But when? Well, as soon as they find out that Phil is gone. Well, Bob, who do they think you are? Well, I don't know, but they keep calling me Alice. Well, don't worry, Bob. For five years they thought I was Evelyn and her magic violin. Got the free dinners that I've had. Well, go out with the rehearsal, Bob, so we can get into the sketch here. Can I rehearse my song first, Mr. Benny? Yes, go ahead, Dennis. Then we'll go right on with the play. Oh, Don. I asked, Jack. Set the scene, will you? Okay. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our version of the Snows of Kilimanjaro, produced by 20th Century Fox, makers of that new picture, Niagara, starring yours truly, Don Wilson. Don, stick to the script. You weren't the star of Niagara. I know, but I need the publicity. My calendars aren't selling at all. Just read what's written, will you please? Okay. We spent a whole week writing. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our version of the Snows of Kilimanjaro, which starred Gregory Pack, Susan Hayward, and Ava Gardner. Our story opens in the African jungle, at the foot of the majestic, snow-capped mountain, Kilimanjaro. Lying here at Helpless. Well, all the members of my safari are starving because I can't go out and hunt fresh meat for them. Don't worry about that. This morning I went out in the jungle and... But wait a minute, Susan. We're out of ammunition. How did you kill the lion? I strangled it. Why? How in the world could you possibly bring yourself to strangle a lion? I used one hand. I gave it a fighting chance. What is that medicine coming? When will the plane get here? When, when, when? The plane didn't arrive with the medicine. Doctor, I'm in such pain. Here, you take on these herbs. You come morning, son, you'll feel all the better like me. Oh, that's wonderful, doctor. How much do I owe you? Nothing. Blue cross. Do you know how much it costs? No, I just work here. Senior May owns the company. Drank champagne from your slipper? Ah, they all do. You're kidding. Jack Benny is a regular feature of the United States Armed Forces Radio Service.