 The Jack Benny program, transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you? Do it, be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, while cigarettes may look the same on the outside, there's an important inside difference in Lucky Strike, an inside difference that proves luckies are made better to taste better. And it's easy to prove this to yourself. Just tear and compare. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer, then carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end, and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be careful not to disturb or loosen the tobacco. Now, in exactly the same way, remove the paper from a Lucky Strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Others have air spaces that burn too fast, taste hot and harsh and dry. But look at that Lucky. See how it stays together, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. See how round and firm and fully packed it is with long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Because luckies are made this way, they draw freely, smoke smoothly and evenly, taste fresh, clean and mild. So tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly done well. Now, ladies and gentlemen, once again we take you out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. If Benny sure is taking a lot of violin lessons lately, he's gonna play a solo when he opens up to play them in London next month. I guess this is our revenge for all the English pictures we see on television. Any other profitable ass, Mr. Benny's here, but I can't disturb him now. He's in the next room taking the violin lesson. Yes, sir, I'll give him the message. Goodbye. Mr. Professor Leblanc, my violin teacher is thirsty and he likes something to drink before we continue the lesson. Certainly, what would you like, Professor? Just some water and please bring it in a paper cup. Why not a glass? I do not want to be tempted to break it and cut my wrists. Get him the water, Rochester. By the way, didn't I hear the phone ring a minute ago? Uh-huh, it's your reservation on the Queen Elizabeth. He'd like to know if you want to sell first class or a second class. Well, how did I go last time? I wrapped you up and you went as a bundle from Britain. And now, Mr. Benny, please, to play the exercises again. But, Professor Leblanc, I've been playing the exercises so much. Can I play something else? Mr. Benny, I am only a French violin teacher. I do not know your language too well, but this much I do know. May you play something else? Yes. Can you play something else? No. But, Professor, I'm supposed to open at the Palladium in London in three weeks. I want to rehearse the piece I'm going to play there. What piece is that? Well, I've been saving this as a surprise for you. It's a song I wrote. Listen to the melody. Wait, wait, Mr. Benny. One cannot judge a song by the music alone. Let me hear the words. Oh, the words? Okay, certainly. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you when you ask me to forgive you. Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny. Huh? This song of yours, it is supposed to be a romantic ballad? Yes, yes. Well, perhaps I can help you with the lyrics. You see, French is the language of lovers. The lyrics might sound better that way. Oh, gee, I never thought of that. Well, how would it go, then? Oh, listen. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you when you ask me to forgive you. With a kiss... Hmm, no, even in French it stinks. It does not. Here's your water, Professor. Thank you. Say, boss, your cat is in the next room waiting for you. Oh, are they all here? All except Mr. Harris. Well, I better go in and talk to them. Will you excuse me a few minutes, Professor? Gladly. Rochester, make the professor comfortable while I'm gone. Get him some more water if he wants it. Hello, Jack. Hi, Jack. Oh, hello, kids. Hey, where's Dennis? He stepped in the next room to use the phone. He wants to find out about his passport. What passport? Well, Dennis is going to England with me. You see, he's appearing in my act at the Palladium in London. Oh, say, Jack, how come you've never taken me to England? Well, it's a matter of transportation expenses, Doc. Transportation? Yes, I've checked. And it would be cheaper to bring England over here to you. Anyway, ever since I've told Dennis he's going to London with me, he's been driving me nuts trying to talk like an Englishman. That kid doesn't know when. Come in. Hiya, gang. Hello, Lili. Hello, Phil. Hello, Phil. Hey, Jackson, I hope you don't mind I brought Remly with me. Oh, not at all, Phil. Just put him down there on the couch. He'll be all right. What did you call us over here for, Jackson? Well, Phil, you see, I, uh, oh, hello, kid. Anyone for Dennis? The old thing, lovely weather we're having. Hey, what, hey, hey? What's with him? Here you are, Philips. Care to join me in a spot of tea? Better get the syrup, Lili. The boy's flipped his stack. Dennis, why don't- Oh, let's not tally too long. I'm taking mate it to the cricket matches. Pippip, you're cut that out! I haven't told us. Why did you ask us to come over here? Well, you see, it's getting close to the end of school, and the Beverly Hills Beavers asked me if we could come over to their auditorium, put on a little entertainment. So I thought it would be nice if- Dennis! Dennis, what are you doing with the phone? I'm calling the police. There's a dead body here. That's Remly! Yeah? You better feel Frankie's pulse. Maybe Dennis is right. Nah, he's OK, he's OK. What do you mean, OK? Look at, look at Remly's face. I never saw such a color. It looks plaid. That's right. I had him painted. Painted? If I got to go around carrying him over my arm, I want people to think he's an overcoat. Well, then hang him in the hall. Don't throw him on the couch. An orchestra fill has a piano player who wears gloves so he won't leave fingerprints. An electric guitar that makes ice cubes and a drummer whose bald head lights up and says, I like ice. You're not kidding, Mary. Now, kids, as I told you, I promised the Beavers we would help them put on a show in their school auditorium. We'll give them some music. Hang on some songs. Oh, Jack, Jack, will you let me sing for the kids? You? Why, Don, you're not known as a singer. You're an announcer. Jack, I have a very good voice. Listen, some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger. You may see a stranger across a crowded room. Paxiopinza. We don't need that. We'll have Dennis sing a song. Dennis, would you like to sing a song for the Beavers when we get to the auditorium? Why don't we put on a play about a story I read last night? What story is that? Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Yeah, it's got a lot of suspense in it. You see this little old blonde dame goes through the woods with a basket full of devils. Look, and we know what it's about. Phil, we know what it's about. But Phil, don't you think reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a sign of juvenility? Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Because I can't pronounce it. Now, Phil, I don't know how you get by with such a limited vocabulary. All you know are one syllable words. Jack, he hasn't done so bad with one syllable words. What do you mean? 12 years ago, he said I do and got Alice and half of Encino. The people are always inferring that I owe my success to Alice and it ain't true. I started years ago. I formed an orchestra. I worked hard with them. They were loyal, talented, hardworking boys. And it hurts me when anybody. Oh, Phil. What? Your overcoat fell off the couch. Answer that, will you, Don? Oh, sure, Jack. Hello? Yes, she's here. Hold the wire. I'll call her. Mary, Mary, it's for you. Oh, thanks, Don. This isn't our last show. Well, we do our last show on June 1st. What? I'll see you on June the 2nd. Goodbye. Mary, who was that? The employment manager, the May Company. OK, when we get to the auto. Wait, just hold on a minute. Libby, you mean the minute we get off the air, you're going to work for the May Company? Yes, I'm lucky. You heard me talk about Blanche. You know, the girls who at the lingerie counter? We? Well, I've heard some of a replacement. Well, that joke was shot, if I remember. Bené, but could you please give me a couple tickets to your television show next Sunday? Oh, certainly, here you are. Thank you. Mr. Kitzel, I haven't seen you for quite a while. Well, I was out of town for two weeks. I just got back yesterday. Oh, were you away on a business trip? No. To you, I can tell the truth. My wife, I had to say, I went on business. But you know, I really went to a large convention, the lions in Chicago. Oh. Oh, are you a lion? At the convention, I'm a lion at home, I'm a mouse. Mr. Kitzel, are you that hen-picked? Any pick. My wife runs my house, she runs my business, she handles my money, she gives the order. Oh, then your wife really wears the pants in your family? Yes, and I bet she'd stop already if she could see how she looks from the back. Mr. Kitzel, did you have a good time at the convention? Oh, did we hit for the last night, we hit a big banquet, and everybody was toasting everybody else with drinks. So many toasts. Toast, did you get a little high? Yes, and did I committed our bow now? Three times I danced with the large president's wife. Oh, what's wrong with that? He was dancing with her, too. I got to be running along, and thank you very much for the tickets. And you know I'll be watching you next, Mr. Benny. Yes? On the couch. Frank Rembley. Still there from who you're with? No, no, he's been home since then. Oh, well, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. Now, kids, getting back to the show we're going to do for the beavers. I'll play my violin, and Phil, I'll want your orchestra to accompany me. Yeah, they'll be there, Jackson. I know they'll be there, but, Phil, these kids have delicate eardrums. So I want to talk to you about your brass section. You mean my six convicts? Yes, yes. Tell them to play a little softer, that's all. Well, kids, that's all I called you over to tell you. Be at the school auditorium at two tomorrow. I'll have the scripts ready. Jack, you know we still have one more radio show to do. I know. Well, you haven't heard the song the sportsman quartet have prepared for that show. No, I haven't. Are they here? Oh, yes, Jack. They're in the other room. Well, fellas, come on in. Jack wants to hear your song. Yes, boy. Now, down, what kind of a number have they prepared? Well, Jack, people will soon be going to the beach and other resorts on their vacations. So the boys thought they'd sing a song appropriate for that. All right, let's hear it, fellas. By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea, you and I, you and I, oh, how happy we'll be. And its way comes the rolling in, the drivel down, of course, then we'll float and fool around the water over and under, and then up for air, Mars rich, Mars rich, so now what'll we care? We love to be beside your side, beside the sea, beside the sea side, by the beautiful sea. Pismo Beach, Pismo Beach, that's where we want to be, with the Nell and the Ness, L-S-M-F-F-E. Sound and fermentably packed, yes, sir, it's a fact. That a lucky strike is better tasting. Look at a lucky, then tear and compare, see how well you'll declare. I have the smoke I like, a better tasting lucky strike. Beside me, by the beautiful sea, beside the sea side. Well, down that song will certainly be appropriate for our last show, as everybody will soon be leaving for their vacation. You know, Mr. Benny, I'm kind of excited about going to England with you. You are? Well, Dennis, you know, you'd better start packing for the trip. I will. And you know something, Mr. Benny? What? When we get to London, the first place I'm going to go to is Buckingham Palace. Well, that is an interesting place. Yeah, I can't wait to see those little babies that guarded. Babies? Dennis, what makes you think that little baby is guard Buckingham Palace? I read someplace that every few hours, they have to change the guard. How can you be so stupid? Don't you know that, come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, look, it's my mother. Well, at least you know your own mother. Sure. I've seen her on television. Well, it's nice of you to drop in, Mrs. Day. Sit down. This isn't a social call. I'm here to talk about dinner. I want you to take good care of him while you're over in England. Oh, I will. I want you to see that he eats well, keeps good company, and I want you to put him to bed every night at 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock? Yes, 9 o'clock. Oh, that isn't fair, Mrs. Day. Why not? It means Jack has to stay up an hour later. Mary, you keep out of this. Mr. Benny, I want you to see that my Dennis is dressed warmly at all times, that he eats the proper food, that he doesn't talk to strangers, and that he looks both ways before he crosses the street. Oh, for heaven's sake, Mrs. Day, why do we have to do all of that after all Dennis has grown up? Yes, but he's still my baby. He's my only child. He's all I've got. You know, it's a mistake for a mother to have only one child. She ought to have four or five. Well, why didn't you? If he hadn't been the first one, I would have. I know what you mean. I'll take very good care of Mrs. Day. Well, see that you do. Come on, Dennis. Coming, Mater. Goodbye, Mrs. Day. Goodbye. Good job. Me too. Wait a minute. I'll go with you. Goodbye, Jackson. Goodbye, kids. Well, I guess I better. Well, how do you like that? You forgot Ramley. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Help me get him up on my shoulder. OK. I'll be happy when this month is over. Why? June is his month to carry me. See, there was something. I'll get it. Hello, Mr. Benny. Yes? This is the head of the CBS makeup department calling. I have my staff standing by to make you up for your television show. Well, wait a minute. I don't go on for a week yet. It doesn't give us much time, does it? And I'll be there in plenty of time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, let's see. There was something I wanted to. Oh, yes. I have to get some money to do some shopping before I leave. Rochester, I'm going down to my vault. Yes, sir. Give it my regards. I will. See, in a way, I feel kind of sorry for poor Ed. Down there alone in the vault all these years. The moat looks pretty full. Gosh, look at these crocodiles. They really live a long time. Look at that big one, how old and wrinkly he is. They say you can tell a crocodile's age by counting the rings in his tail. Let's see. He's only 39. Well, I better go on into the vault. There are things on the outside. Oh, not so good. There have been thousands of cases of measles in Los Angeles. I've never heard of that before. Measles? No, Los Angeles. Los Angeles is a city that has been built since you come down here. Oh, it's nice of you to come down to visit me, Mr. Benny. Well, this isn't a social visit. I'm here on business. Oh, how much money are you going to put in the vault? No, no, no. I'm taking some out. My, this is exciting. You see, I have to do a lot of shopping because next week I'm going to England. Oh, that should be fun. It's really a business trip, but I expect to enjoy myself during the five days on the ocean. Ocean? Yes. Well, don't sail too far. You might fall off the edge. No, no, no, Ed, they prove that it's round. Well, I think I'll open the safe. Now, let's see. The combination is right to 45, left to 60, back to 15, and left to 110. There. See, see, how much do I want? There, that ought to be enough money. Well, I better go now. Bye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye, Ed. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Ed, what was that? Just a figment of my imagination. Well, goodbye, Ed. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to solicit your help for the victims of muscular dystrophy. There are over 200,000 victims. Three-fourths of this number are males, and two-thirds of these males are boys under 18. It is commonplace that when the cause of a disease is found, the cure usually follows. So won't you please contribute as much as you can? Send your contributions to M.D.A., Los Angeles, 19, California. Thank you. We'll be back in just a moment for first. Friends, people everywhere are tearing and comparing, seeing for themselves that luckies are made better to taste better. Try it yourself. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer and carefully remove the paper by tearing down the seam from end to end. Don't dig into or crumble the tobacco. Now do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Some have air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. Others have too many broken bits of tobacco giving you those annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. But just look at that lucky, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Yes, luckies are made better to taste better to give you far more enjoyment from every putt. So for your own real deep dawn smoking enjoyment, be happy. Go lucky. Make your next carton. Lucky strike. Do you do that to study? Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike today. Gosh, Rochester, just think next Sunday we'll do our last radio program and our last television show till next fall. That's right, boss, but it'll give you a good chance to. I'll get it. Hello? Hey, it's Phil Harris over there. No, he isn't. Who is this? This is Joe the bartender at the Valley Inn. Oh, is there anything wrong? Yeah, his overcoat had three drinks and walked out when I'm playing a film. Well, he'll be back. Don't worry. Goodbye. Good night, folks. The program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. The Jack Benny program has been selected as one of the programs to be heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the armed forces radio service. The Jack Benny show came to you transcribed over the CBS radio network.