 Now, Anacin, the tablet's thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and heat. The lindoment that's strong yet does not burn. Present, Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks transcribed, but first, if you suffer from the pains of a headache, we urge you to try the remarkable product this program features, Anacin. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients. The relief these tablets bring is not only effective, but often incredibly fast. Many of you, I know, first discovered Anacin through your own dentist or physician. But if you have not yet used Anacin, we urge you to try these tablets the next time you are in pain from a headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. You'll be delighted with the results. Try Anacin on this guarantee. If the first few tablets do not give you all the relief you want, as fast as you want it, return the unused portion, and your money will be refunded. You can get Anacin at any drug counter. It's spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. Easy to take, Anacin tablets come in handy boxes of 12 and 30 and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. One of the problems almost every city and town is faced with is the overcrowded conditions of our public schools. Armist Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, is keenly aware of the situation. Yes, indeed. In fact, my classroom is so crowded, it's a shame to waste it on children. Last Thursday morning before class, Walter Denton was helping me bring in additional chairs to accommodate my extra students. That'll be enough chairs, Ms. Brooks. How many students do you have in your first class? I don't know, Walter, but every time I stand up in front of them, I feel like I'm calling play ball at the Yankee Stadium. No, by actual count there are 48. Yeah, but there are only 47 chairs. I know. Unless we dig up another, I'm afraid one of my English students will have to open the window and sit outside. You may I? No, you may not. I was only fooling. I wasn't. With all due respect to your remarkable talents as a teacher, English isn't exactly my favorite subject, Ms. Brooks. Sometimes it practically anesthetizes me. Perhaps that explains why you managed to sleep through it like a baby. Help me move this desk back a bit, will you? Sure. There, that'll give us just enough room to squeeze in one more chair. I don't know what I'll do if any more students are assigned to this dinky classroom of mine, Walter. Hey, I've got an idea. You know how large Mr. Boynton's biology lab is, Ms. Brooks? Why don't you double up with him? I mean, each of you could utilize half the lab in teaching your respective subjects. You know, sharing a desk right smack in the middle, see? I see, but it wouldn't be practical. Maybe not, but wouldn't it be romantic? You and Mr. Boynton, side by side, you could take out the desk and put in a love seat. And by and by, we might even set up lighthouse keeping in a test tube. No, it's a nice thought, Walter, but not practical. Come in. Good morning, teacher. How are you, teacher? I'm Mike. I'm Danny. Me and Mike are twins. I'm eight years old. I'm eight years old, too. Me and Danny don't like grammar school. We decided to go to high school. Where do we sit? I'm fine, thanks. How are you? I don't quite understand this, children. Isn't that cute? They decided to go to high school. Quiet, Walter. Now, listen, Mike. I'm Danny. All right, listen, Danny, you can't merely decide to go to high school. Why can't we? Well, you just can. Not until you've received your grammar school diploma. We should live so long. Oh, come now, you kids are just starting out in life. There's a long road ahead. If you're only eight years old. How old are you? You should live so long. Now, tell me, there must be some very important reason behind your seeking this educational shortcut, boys. It's a matter of life and death. Well, that figures. But what is it? Me and Danny want to be policemen. So we found out you can't be policemen until you get out of high school. So we want to get out of high school. How do you like that, Ms. Brooks? They want to get out of high school. Don't laugh. They're liable to beat you out by several semesters. We watch cops and robbers on television most every night, Ms. Brooks. So that's what we really want to be. Not the robbers, the cops. Well, I'm glad you're with the good guys instead of the bad guys. But let's start from the beginning, shall we? What's your last name, Mike? I'm Danny. All right, Danny. What's your last name? Ask Mike. All right, Mike. What's your last name? We ain't talking. You're not talking. Ain't is a vulgarism frowned upon as a grammatical. What do you mean you ain't talking? Guess that. There's a good reason why our last name has got to remain a mystery, Ms. Brooks. We just can't tell you. And it won't do you no good to pump us, either. If you try to put the screws on us, we'll just clam up until the heat's off. They have been watching television. Look, boys, if you refuse to identify yourselves properly, I'll have to report you to the police. In a case like this, I've got to think of your parents. They'll be greatly concerned. Now, why not simplify things and tell me who you are? Sorry? What do you think we are, stoolies? Look, let me try to reason with them, Ms. Brooks. Now, listen, fellas. Type down, Buster. We'd rather discuss this matter with an adult. Well, yeah. Sure, I just thought that... Bang, bang, you're dead. Huh? Don't worry. Bang, bang, you're alive again. You'd better run over to the principal's office, Walter, and tell Mr. Conklin to inform the police. Okay, Ms. Brooks. You'd better come clean, fellas. See you later. I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you get for not telling me about yourselves. Now you'll have to deal with the bulls. Well, I guess we could tell you a little, Ms. Brooks. Me and Mike, well, we escaped from the orphanage. Your...your orphans? Sure. I ain't even got no parents. I ain't got no parents either. No parents? Who needs them? Well, that's the attitude to take, of course. Who needs them? We're not babies anymore. Oh, I should say not. You're big and strong. Now, tell me something. Have you men had breakfast yet? No, ma'am. Well, we'll soon fix that. I brought a box lunch to school today, and you're welcome to it. Here we are. First, some milk. I'll pour it into these paper cups for you. You don't mind paper cups, do you? I like them better than I like the milk. Well, nevertheless, you'll drink it. If you're going to be policemen, you've got to build strong, healthy bodies. Here you are. Now dive into the lunchbox. Oh, but that wouldn't be fair, Ms. Brooks. I don't want to take your lunch. I'll take it. And you'll both take it. But you fellows caught me unprepared. All I have is some boiled ham and a few slices of bread. You can keep the bread. I'm cutting down on starches. No thanks. Look, men, you've got to tell me more. You're orphans, you say. Yes, ma'am. Nobody loves us. Oh, now please don't cry, Mike. I'm Danny. Now, now, policemen don't cry. Besides, it isn't true that no one loves you. Why, I love you and I bet lots of other folks do, too. Nobody does. Pretty good ham. Come on, Danny, sit on my lap and I'll dry those tears for you. Up you go. There, do you feel better now? Yes, ma'am. Ms. Brooks, can I sit on your other lap? My other lap? You've finished the bread, Danny. I'm cutting down on starches, too. PC, dude. Ms. Brooks, may I present... Gillis, Sergeant Police, Missing Persons, investigating. Yes. Sergeant Gillis, may I present... Brooks, Miss, Teacher, English, sitting. Yes. Won't you sit down, Sergeant? Thanks. I am a bit weary. Been up all night on a Missing Persons case, a very important one to me. To you? Yes, I'm trying to locate my wife. She disappeared last night. I just sent out an all-points bulletin honor when I received the call from Mr. Conklin. Well, I certainly hope you locate her. So do I, but one case at a time, if you please. I gave Sergeant Gillis the facts as furnished me by Walter Denton, a general description of Mike and Danny, plus the fact that the Brats refused to divulge the name of their parents. But they have no parents, sir. They confessed to me that they escaped from an orphanage. Poor little ty. Orphan. They're still in my classroom, Sergeant. Room 104. I'll take you there now. I'll find it. I'd like a minute alone with them if you don't mind, Miss Brooks. Excuse me now. Oh, surely, surely. Well, leave it to a policeman to put on a clever disguise. Disguise? Yes, even though his wife left him, he still looks miserable. All right, boys, let's have your story. We ain't talking, Copper. I told you never to call me Copper, Mike. That goes for you too, Danny. Don't get excited, Dad. How come you're not surprised to find us here? Mr. Conklin described you to me over the phone. The deduction was simple. I've met some mischievous kids in my life, but you boys take the cake. Now, what are you doing here? Gee whiz, Pop. You told us we couldn't start being a policeman like you till we got out of high school. So we decided to go to high school and get it over with. What about grammar school? We'd prefer to eliminate the middleman. And what about you're telling Miss Brooks that you escaped from an orphanage? You've never even seen an orphanage. Danny made that one up. I just went along with the gag. I should have suspected. So you're up to your old tricks again, huh, Danny? I've been wise to him for a long time. Don't be angry, Daddy. Please don't be angry with me. And I'm also wise to that phony crying routine. Oh, okay. You know what's new, your mother left me. I feel sorry for him. Okay. Listen, Pop. Mom made us promise not to tell you this. Like she made Grandma promise when she phoned her yesterday. She told Grandma that instead of paying attention to her, he just sit around all night watching cops and robbers on television. She said she's become a television widow. So she decided to leave home for a week to teach you a lesson. To teach me a lesson? Well, what do you know? Where is she now? Well, she gave us her number and told us to call her every day so she wouldn't be worried about us. We talked to her this morning. She's fine. Okay, the number. What is it? Spill it, boy. Spill it. Not so fast. Giving you the number depends on whether or not you play ball with us. See what I'm driving at, Daddy? Sure. We kind of like high school, Dad. It's fun being around big kids instead of little punks. Now, it's up to you to play along with us and let us stay here as long as possible. If you don't, you won't give you the number and you won't see Mom for a whole week. Well, this is blackmail. We got you over a barrel, Pop. Play ball or else. No, no. Just a minute. Well, is everything under control now, Sergeant? Sure, Miss Brooks. Tell her what you decided, Sergeant Gillis. Well, Miss Brooks, my heart goes out to these little orphans. While I'm conducting an investigation, I want these children to remain here with you. With me? Isn't that a very unusual procedure? Believe me, these are very unusual children. Well, I'm sorry, but my classroom is overcrowded as it is. You'll have to take them with you. Will you little orphans want to be with you, Miss Brooks? You're so kind, so affectionate, so wonderful. Well, now, look, my... And you're so beautiful, so downright beautiful. Like I say, Sergeant, you'll take these kids over my dead body. Friends, when agonizing pain of rheumatism, muscle strain or backache makes you miserable and every move is a torment, that's the time to reach for heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn. The moment you apply it, you can feel heat soothing warmth working to relieve your painful miseries. That's because heat penetrates deep, brings immediate relief to sore aching muscles. Wherever you ache, just brush on heat. Heat penetrates deep, keeps working for hours to bring wonderful soothing comfort to the painful aching area. Your pain seems to disappear. Heat isn't oily, sticky or messy. You just brush on heat with a handy applicator that comes with each bottle and it dries in seconds. So remember, when pain of rheumatism, muscle strain or backache makes you miserable, heat's penetrating warmth gives you fast, long-lasting relief. Get heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that penetrates deep to bring immediate relief. Well, Miss Brooks is still oblivious to the fact that police Sergeant Gillis is actually the father of the mischief-makers Mike and Danny, who at this moment are lunching in the office of Mr. Conklin. Meanwhile, since the boys had previously devoured the lunch she had brought to school, Miss Brooks is economically dining in the cafeteria with Mr. Boynton. You're just having soup, Miss Brooks? Well, I'm not really hungry, Mr. Boynton. Oh, well, would you like some crackers? Just a dozen or so. I brought my own bread. That's no meal for a working girl. Let me order for you, Miss Brooks. I'll go to the steam table and get what you want. What I want, they don't have at the steam table. Really, Mr. Boynton, I'm too exhausted to gorge myself. It's been a rough morning. I've had a rough morning myself. Those two little boys dropped into my lab. You should have seen the big tears in Danny's eyes. He told me that the principle of the orphanage they were in never gave them anything to eat but a stale crust of bread. What? But that's cruel. Oh, it can't be true. Well, you've seen the halos of innocence in Danny's eyes, Miss Brooks. How can you possibly infer that that boy would stoop to lying? I'm ashamed of myself. He's an angel. And so is Mike. That barbaric orphanage principle has started something, and I'm going to finish it. Get up, Mr. Boynton, we're going to discuss the matter with Mr. Conklin at once. Yeah, but what about my lunch? I'll finish that while you're getting up. Kit, Walter? Hiya, folks. We'd like to see Mr. Conklin, Harriet. Daddy's in his inner office feeding Mike and Danny right now, Mr. Boynton. I'll go tell him you're here. Oh, you should have been in first-period English class this morning, Mr. Boynton. It was a scream. Miss Brooks gave us a test, and she let Mike and Danny take it along with us. Well, it was nothing to bewilder them. Merely a refresher test on certain fundamentals that are covered in grammar school. Oh, I think Danny is smart as a whip. What did he score in the test, Miss Brooks? 38. Mike got the same. Yeah, Mike was sitting right near Danny, Mr. Boynton. Of course, I'm not insinuating that he copied from Danny's paper, but even so, 38 is a pretty good score for kids. What did I get in the test, Miss Brooks? 27. 27? Well, that was on my own. I wasn't sitting near either of them. I met him later in the hall, Miss Brooks, and, gosh, Danny told me something terrible. He should have seen the big tears in his eyes. More tears? What did the Johnny Ray of Madison High tell you? Well, every day, the orphanage principal used to beat him and Mike with a horse whip. Good heavens. A monster. A horse whip? Steady, Daddy. Steady now. Prisoners. Chain gang. Gad. Danny told me the whole story. You should have seen the big, big tears in his eyes. That orphanage principal, I'd like to strangle him with my bare hands. Well, a principal's a principal. I mean, what did he do, sir? When those kids weren't scrubbing floors, he had them out on the rock pile. The rock pile? The monster. He should be taken for a ride. In your car. Despite my gentle pumping, they still refused to reveal the name of the orphanage. Well, naturally, they're afraid they'll be sent back there and treated even worse for squealing. Well, Sergeant Gillis will probably get the truth when he visits them at your house this evening, Miss Brooks. Maybe he'll send them to a more humane orphanage. No, no, no. Not a chance. He'll send them back where they came from. Everything's routine with some policemen. You know how they work? You come from Joe Blow orphanage, buddy. Well, back you go to Joe Blow. Let's cut and dried. My friends, I, I always wanted a boy. I've got a good mind to adopt them. That's the answer. As soon as they're sent back to the orphanage, Mr. Compton can file papers. How long does it take to adopt a child? About a year longer than it takes to have one of your own. Yeah, that's no solution. No, we've got to dream up some delaying action so that we can keep those kids here while we're presenting the facts to higher authorities than the police. I'll take this case to the Supreme Court if it'll help. But how can we prevent Sergeant Gillis from cutting them off tonight? Well, I've got an angle, Daddy. The police won't touch them if you can produce someone who'll pose temporarily as their mother or father. But that could lead to serious consequences, Harriet. We are not that desperate yet. Now, now take Mike's milk into a minute. I'll take it, Harriet. Excuse me. Hi, Miss Brooks. Hello, men. Here's your milk, Mike. Thanks. And if you want anything else, just holler. Boy, what a fuster making over us. Yeah, this orphan racket is pretty good. Sure beats having parents. Ouch! What's the matter? I burned my arm in the heater. It's nothing. I'm going to get me some milk. May I have some milk, please? Well, of course you may. Here you are, Mike. I'm Danny. Thanks. I'll see you later. Just a minute. What's that red mark on your arm, Danny? Red mark? Oh, this. I'd rather not tell you, Miss Brooks. Please don't ask me. Well, what is it, boy? You've got to tell us, Danny. What happened? Well, yes, I didn't get up early enough to clean the incinerator, so the orphanage principle stuck a cigarette butt in my arm. Oh, you run along and join your brother like a good little boy. Taddle along now, Danny. Yes, sir. Stuck a cigarette butt in the child's arm. Mm-hmm. Armistice will return in a moment. If you own one of the 26 million car radios, you may be lending an ear as you drive along the highways. If you're listening to one of the 10 million sets located in public places, like bus stations, hotel lobbies, and the like, you may take in some or all of CBS Radio's weekday evening favorites on one of the 10 million. If you're like most folks owning at least one of these 75 million radio sets people have in their homes, why, chances are, you're fairly regular in tuning in our weekday evening stars. Whichever way you choose, CBS Radio's nighttime stars are yours to command, yours to enjoy. The Bing Crosby Show, Monday through Friday nights. The Amos and Andy Music Hall, also five evenings a week. The Tennessee Ernie Show, now three-quarters of an hour of fun each evening on most of these stations. And that refreshing newcomer, Fred Rodgers, disc derby, heard Tuesday through Friday nights on CBS Radio. There's music, there's fun, there's sparkling entertainment and plenty of it. Weekday evenings, too, at the stars address. Well, everyone is still unaware that Mike and Danny are Sergeant Gillis' sons, and that their stories of a horrible life at the orphanage are entirely trumped up. At home later that evening, Miss Brooks had just about reached a decision. I took the ice cream out of the deep freeze, Connie. Are Mike and Danny enjoying the dinner? Very much, Mrs. Davis. Well, how do you like the kids? They're precious, Connie. I don't blame you for falling in love with them. But I suppose Sergeant Gillis will be coming over any minute now to take them away. Yes. You know, he couldn't take them if one of their parents were here. I mean, he... Mrs. Davis, I've come to a decision. It's a desperate move, but I've got to risk it. What are you going to do? Well, there's no time to explain now. Excuse me. Dinner is swell. Pretty good ham. Say, what are those papers on the table, Miss Brooks? My class is homework. You can work on it after dinner if you like. Gee, thanks. High school homework. Wow. You sure have been nice to us, Miss Brooks. I wish we could stay with you forever. Oh, please, Danny, no more tears. There's enough water in the milk now. But maybe you can stay with me for a little while at least. I have a scheme, and if it meets with your approval... A scheme? What is it, Miss Brooks? I want to tell Sergeant Gillis that I'm your mother. Ha, ha, ha. Sergeant Gillis, you want to tell him you're our mother. That's right. What do you think of it? I think it's great. Oh, it'll be fun, huh, Mike? This I gotta see. Yeah, boys, I'd like to speak with him alone as soon as he arrives. There he is now. You run along into the kitchen. Mrs. Davis has some ice cream for you. Ice cream? Why? Come in. The latch is off. Oh, good evening, Sergeant Gillis. Oh, Miss Brooks, Mike and Danny here. Well, naturally, after all this is their home. Their home? Of course. We've just finished dinner. I told you this morning, but evidently your memory is a bit foggy. Well, let me get this straight, Miss Brooks. I'm talking about Mike and Danny. So am I. Sergeant, I'm their mother. You're their mother. That's right. Miss Brooks, my memory isn't that foggy. If you told me that this morning, believe me, I'd have remembered. You said they'd been in an orphanage. Well, it's not something I like to discuss, but the truth is I lost them one day while I was shopping. What? But now that I've found them again, nothing will ever part us. Nothing. This case has developed interesting aspects, Miss Brooks. I believe I'll take you down to headquarters for questioning. Who, me? Oh, now just a minute. Miss Brooks, where's Mike and Danny? Oh, Mr. Boyden. Sergeant Gillis, my husband. Husband? You don't know it, buddy, but she's the mother of your twins. I'm pleased to take our children, do you, dear? Why, uh, certainly not. Uh, wifey. Oh, look, I'll try to be calm. Your name is Boyden, and her is Brooks. How can she be your wife? I married her when I was very young. Say that again, and I'll be a widow. Don't you see, Sergeant, I teach under the name of Brooks, actually, my name is... Good evening. What do you want, Walter? I came over for my sons, Mike and Danny. Sergeant Gillis, meet my other husband. Two husbands? One for each child. Well, that's logical, isn't it? We're going to headquarters, everybody. Now, you fellas move on ahead. Here, I'll take your arm, Miss Brooks. Take your hand off my wife, you turd. Just how many husbands have you got? Well, let's wait till all the precincts are in. She is the mother of my Mike and Danny, and I, Osgood Conklin, am her only husband. You're going to lead the way to headquarters, chubby. Now, come on. Oh, excuse us, folks. Mike, Danny. My sons. My offspring. Come over here and sit on your daddy's lap, boys. That's right. Go over and sit on one of your daddy's laps. Miss Brooks, we just looked over that homework that high school kids have to do. We decided to go back to grammar school in the morning. I'll say you're going back. You're coming with me right now. Okay, Pop. Pop? Pop? Pop? Somebody's sticking cigarette butts in balloons. Gillis, that boy called you Pop. Only because I'm his father. What? We just talked to Mom on the phone, Pop. She said she misses you too much, so she's going home, and all is forgiven. Well, what do you know? In that case, folks, you're all forgiven. Come along, boys. Just a minute. How about exchanging explanations? Well, I'll give you a ring later on, Miss Brooks. You don't have to be a detective to know that this entire misunderstanding can be traced to the sob story kid here. Come along, Danny Boy. Yes, Daddy. Bye, folks. Yeah, thanks for the ham. Well, that was fun, wasn't it? If you like a room full of idiots. I think I'll go to the window and wave goodbye to the little darlings. Oh, isn't that cute? They stopped on the front lawn, and Sergeant Gillis just lifted Danny up and put him across his knees. Across his knees? Yes. Now the sergeant's raising his hand. Now the hand's coming down. Well, what do you know? What is it, Miss Brooks? At last, those big tears are for real. Armist Brooks, starring E. Barge and France Claude, is produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Joel Quillen and Al Lewis with the music of Bud Bluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Harry Shearer, Stuffy Singer, and Joel Samuels. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks.