 So here's a question When is the right time to date after a breakup? This is a question that gets asked so frequently and I'm sure you've looked at it for yourself as well So let's explore this a little bit deeper now I want to be candid with you many of you have been following me but if you haven't my most significant relationship ended about seven months ago and We actually met up for the first time since then just for a brief visit because she happened to be in town And just for there for those who don't know she lives 3,000 miles away from me currently And we had a nice catch-up and we shared something very personal to one another and that was when the relationship ended and She actually moved to another state after it ended. It was kind of an awkward experience When we were saying goodbye to each other So it was nice to have this little bit of closure at this moment seven and a half months later and And and I'm smiling because it was a very nice lunch that we had We didn't really spend a lot of time revisiting the relationship And we and we wanted to learn where each other was at at this point in time And we didn't talk about our dating or our love life Other than say there was it was really non-existent for either one of us In other words, when is the right time to date? And her choice is different than what my choice is So what's interesting? I was talking to my coach the following day or two days later. I should say and We we we explored whether or not it's the right time for me to date and by the way a good coach Will have a coach in their life So I just want you to know if you haven't considered working with a coach particularly a dating relationship coach I invite you to check out the link below to schedule a discovery call With me to see if working with a coach is right for you because I believe we all need Confidence in our lives people that we trust but more importantly people that can give us good solid grounded advice And oftentimes our friends who might know us the best have a prejudice and give us sometimes skewed advice So as I'm getting ready to Prepare for this video. I actually was reviewing another video I'd done about letting go after a relationship and I made some notes and I want to share this with you all So bear with me because I'm going to be reading. Okay Here's the challenge for many of us If we've been in an unhealthy Transactional conditional relationship that causes most humans to suffer from being in a bad relationship Oftentimes feels better than being alone Wounded people who've done little healing struggle to be in a relationship and sometimes stay Longer hoping that it will change So why am I bringing this up is if your relationship has ended or you're not in a good relationship right now And you're evaluating whether or not it makes sense to end the relationship and then put yourself back out in the dating marketplace It's important to look inward Before you ever put yourself out in the dating marketplace. Let me repeat that It's important to look inward before you ever put yourself out in the dating marketplace. That's number one Now i'm going to go on to read it's never a waste of time to love someone And often a short-lived relationship or a deeper longer relationship Um has a deeper purpose than mere companionship or the transactional needs that many experience Such as one person transactional meaning one person pays the bills the other takes care of the home That sort of thing but most humans choose transactional or conditional relationships Then the more evolved person who seeks an experience of something greater now when i'm sharing with you many people Experience deep deep deep pain after the ending of a relationship What that deep pain typically is a reflection of an attack There's probably some level of an attachment an unhealthy attachment to the other person Or worse even a trauma bond with the other person hence why ripping apart that relationship feels so painful And oftentimes many people point the finger at the other person Blaming them for everything if you are still in blame Of the other person then it's not the right time to date if you're still in blame of the other person Okay, now that's not to suggest that you might have an experience First off if you have to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman I heard this from dr. Pat Allen Then you have every right to have you know some level of of disdain for this other person But if you don't have to call one of those three people Then I invite you to look at where is the pain coming from and I invite you to read two books Attached by emeer levine and rachel heller as well as getting the love you want by harbell Hendricks and helen hunt all the books I recommend in this video are listed below in the show notes under jonathan recommend books Why i'm recommending these two books is there's a good chance you might have an unhealthy attachment With this other person still and if you do I invite you to do the inner work To heal as part of your preparation to be ready to date After the ending of this relationship Now I want to read you something that I read on jason gattis's Facebook page jason gattis g a d d i s he wrote Relationships are a gateway to healing Good relationships heal trauma Just being in a good one can prepare years of hurt feeling unseen feeling alone. Thus relationships are a path to healing and personal transformation As I reflect back to my relationship with marie, I can't begin to tell you how much On a micro cellular level there was healing It wasn't a bad relationship. It was a very good relationship. There was misalignment And that's okay. We oftentimes have this expectation when two people are misaligned We have to make it work. We have to make it work Sometimes it's okay that it doesn't work. Sometimes when I say sometimes, you know, I'm saying If a relation if it doesn't work for one, it doesn't work for both That's just a fact of life So when I say sometimes when it doesn't when it's close, but it doesn't work out doesn't mean you need to try to Fix it to make it work Sometimes people come into your life Simply as part of your journey Fact marie was kind enough to give me a card the other day when we met And she said thank you for being part of my journey and I equally feel that same gratitude towards her I am so grateful that she was part of my journey Because I grew and heal and I'm going to give you a few questions to ask yourself To to determine if you're ready to date again, and these are the exact same questions. I asked of myself By the way, my coffee mug says don't make me go all psycho roommate on you. This coffee mug is hot So was the breakup a healthy breakup or was there anger? Was the breakup a healthy breakup or was it was there anger? I believe healthy breakups have when a person ends a relationship from in a very healthy conscious uncoupling way if you haven't read the book By my dear friend Catherine Woodward Thomas. I highly recommend checking out conscious uncoupling five steps to living happily ever after Why i'm recommending this book again When a healthy relationship ends There's very little charge Towards the other person most of the time there's significant gratitude towards the other person But if there's anger resentment judgment Towards the other person you have to ask yourself are you to if you're going to ask yourself when is the right time to date? You have to let go of the charge associated With that ending you have to let go of the charge that you have towards this other human being Because that charge and when I mean like an like an electrical charge like a battery Is that battery at full capacity is at full charge or is it so weak that it can't even light You know the simplest gadget in your home We're all going to have some residue okay from an ending of a relationship You know even a relationship that might have ended 20 years ago There's going to be some residue some of you have residue from a relationship because they passed on of course You're going to have residue But do you have a charge? Do you hold anger resentment or longing for the other person if you're longing If you're wishing this person back Then it's probably not the right time today You know I think some of the challenges when a relationship ends is did they do it out of the blue? Or did you see it coming? You know it fascinates me I speak to women in uh who have gone through a breakup and they all seem the same the same They all seem to say the same thing. I knew something was wrong from the very beginning. I went against my better judgment I think we humans have a capacity of taking red flags early on and painting them green And most likely when we do that is because there is a lesson that needs to be learned and we're going to explore that in a moment But if it came out of the blue Certainly there's going to be some sting to it There's going to be some sting to it I would say most of the time there is a disconnect because when When really great what what makes a great relationship great Most of the time it's they're they're actually progressing fairly nicely There's usually very much very little doubt Going on when two people are perfectly aligned now That's not to say that someone might not nine months into a relationship Feel some doubt. Okay. There's this there's this kind of push pull that happens in our emotional state of being where We're all in and we're afraid and we're all in and we're afraid and we're all in and we're afraid. Okay This is a natural experience Sometimes it happens in the first few weeks Sometimes it happens in the first few months usually within some time of a year When good couples i'm talking about the couples that go the distance they might have a doubt Now one of the things you should never do is bargain or beg for someone to come back if they have doubt Let them solve their doubt on their own. That's their job to solve their doubt. Your job is to stay in your lane But that doesn't mean sleeping with someone if they're in a space of doubt And I think sometimes people might need a week or two to reevaluate I think reevaluating allows one to either choose to appreciate and accept the relationship for the goodness that it has Or sadly, it's an opportunity to say, hey, there's a misalignment. We have to move on you know One of the questions I invite you to all year to ask yourself when is the right time to date after a breakup Are you reliving the relationship over and over and over and over again hoping That they come back Or do you reflect upon it do self reflection? When my relationship ended at first it stung and I bargained for just a moment to have a reconsider I mean that lasted an hour if you will because I recognize if it's not right for one. It's not right for both And and I and I relived the relationship mostly In a little bit of anger. That's a very common experience for many people because just like the the loss of a loved one grief, if you will We go through these stages. We go through denial anger bargaining depression guilt And then hopefully we come to a place of acceptance And in that place of acceptance, I recognize that there were these Micro misalignments between the two of us. They were just ever so subtle and yet they were so critically important for the longevity because At the end of the day, we had two different life visions. We didn't know what going in because it was like I would think we were clouded a little bit with rose color glasses I think that happens frequently. We go in with a clouded rose color glasses version because The reality is is sex Is a very powerful experience between two people that can bond one another and oftentimes we lose Objectivity during the sex now. I said in our case, it was a micro wasn't matt It wasn't this gigantic recognition of differences It was kind of like more like micro And that's what a relationship is all about. It's a relationship is a journey of exploring You're vetting one another over the course of hopefully a year or two or three To see if you're really meant to go the distance long term see unlike our Our grandparents and them prior to them, okay? I want to share something with you For the longest time most humans believed chemistry equals relationship success and what happened was Back in the day due to be two people wanted to have sex Or they had to get married. They usually had lasted with by the way Do you know how how many courtships lasted less than 30 days? And so once they bonded with one another physically They're incompat and by the way, this was back when survival and transactional relationships were so radically important that It didn't matter whether or not they were misaligned They were bonded with each other and they needed each other for survival We are in a unique period of time in our history where we mess particularly women are no longer dependent upon men For their physical survival you especially those of you in midlife. You have fully curated lives You can simply choose who you want to be with from a non financial perspective And this is where this where the nitty gritty comes in because now it's all based on compatibility not survival And the reality is is most humans are not compatible with one another They could be if they took out their ego, but unfortunately our egos are a rather gigantic thing So when I said earlier, it might take one two or three years to vet someone you it takes time to be in multiple different experiences with a person Whether it's traveling together whether it's spending time with family and friends whether it's um You know social activities hobbies mutual interest going through these these little intricacies over a period of time Allows you to get to know them at a deeper level So coming back to when is the right time to date after the breakup? I'm going to invite you all to ask yourself these four questions to determine When is the right time for you? the first question I want you to do this is all self reflective I want you to ask yourself What positive things about myself did I learn in this relationship? What positive things about myself and it's not like I learned how not to date a cheater or liar No, you didn't learn how to do to you did not learn. That's not the positive thing yourself That's not the positive thing that you learned I'll share with you something personal I learned after my relationship ended I I recognized I'm ready to go all in with somebody. I went all in in this relationship All in that's you know, that's like the wedding vows to some degree for sickness and health better or worse The good and the bad all in I didn't I wasn't capable of that for Listen, most of you most of us if you were fall if you were like me growing up if you were a baby boomer or a gen Xer We were taught to go to college get a job meet somebody get married buy a house start a family Okay, and I followed that script And my role was provider protector And that relationship ended Then I was out in the dating marketplace and the last thing I wanted to do was get remarried That was the last thing I wanted to do For over a decade after my wife and I split up for more than over a decade Last thing I wanted to do was get remarried. I wanted companionship connection and sex I wanted what I talked about is the three people that are actively dating today the users By the way, this is not a fact. That's merely an opinion the users the spenders and the grower builders The users are those people that seek short-term game love bombers players gold diggers Entitled people selfish people. They only care about their own needs. That's roughly about 20 percent of the population Then the spenders I call them spenders because they're spending time with you They seek companionship connection and sex no direction Uncertain fearful usually have a dysfunctional life and the grower and the builders which is probably 20 percent They seek long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills. They have their act together So the positive thing I learned For myself and I invite you to ask that question of yourself as well Positive thing I learned myself. I was ready to go all in amongst other things number two How did I heal from this relationship? How did I heal from this relationship? Folks if you're not familiar with your childhood wounds or adult traumas and we all have them on some degree or other Some people have significant trauma and childhood. Some have garden variety childhood But if you're not familiar with them I highly recommend reading the book the hockman process the hockman process listed below This is a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and adult traumas By the way, I should also recommend you get my book what the act is self love Anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work link below self. Love the book dot com folks How if you are not familiar with your wounds? Then you won't know what need what this relationship helped you heal This is all an inward journey to decide when you're ready when it's the right time To date after a breakup You know a lot of people date other people right away so they can they can forget the other person that I think is the most unhealthy thing to do And by the way, if you're woman knowing for a fact That you're not ready for a relationship and a man takes you out and entertains you And you're just taking advantage of this company. That's bad karma Let me just say that's bad karma and you women can't stand it when men do the same When a man says and he spends time with you and he sleeps with you And then he says i'm not ready for relationship. Aren't you devastated? So why do that to another human being? That's just bad karma in my opinion heal At least self reflect and the last two questions I invite you to ask yourself was what was good about this relationship? What was good about this relationship and what are you most grateful for? Oh my god in my relationship. There were so many good things I can't even begin to tell you all the good things that came out of this relationship and i'm most grateful for That we both were able to heal and grow Had learned more about each other And we could end on a very amicable note These are just some of the many things that I am so grateful for That was good in the relationship and i'm sharing my personal experience merely to illustrate how you can do the same for yourself So when is the right time to date? Go back and rewind this video listen to each part that I covered And maybe through this experience of self reflection you will find That the right time for you Is when your heart is wide open to receive somebody new with a beginner's mind with beginner's mind And beginner's mind means you're not going to hold this future person Hostage to your past experiences beginner's mind and that's what I invite for every one of you Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts. I do my best to read all of them in the first 24 hours As always if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well And if you want to check out want to talk to me check out the link below the schedule of discovery call with me Check out my group called midlife love mastery follow me on instagram and all the books I recommend are listed below and in the first comment, okay All right, those who know my format know It's time for q&a If you have a question write the word question then post the question there after Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley That's a picture of him right there It's my son who passed away over five years ago and in his honor We donate to causes like the hoffman process Insight institute and also Scholarships on coaching as well. So, um Check out the little dollar sign our goal today is 50 dollars. We'd love to have some love today. Okay So if you have a question write the word question and if you're bold enough to be on the hot seat There's a link right there. You can join me live right now and ask me questions directly okay Light blue Good morning, jonathan. I agree with everything you say I still have yet to buy your book and especially the hoffman process which is sad because that's my last name Again, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books. I recommend. I hope you do get both books I'd be honored if you got mine as well Gina wrote Two years ago. I decided I was ready only problem. I couldn't find anyone to date I have my first date coming up soon. I'm so out of practice I hear you By the way, um, I haven't gone on a date since my relationship ended I've I've met several women from a very friends type of perspective. I I feel like you know, it's interesting After my divorce I remember um when the early stages of online dating a number of times I met women said, hey I'm going to be at such and such bar With some friends on Thursday night, you know, if you have any girlfriends show up and let's meet there for the first time And what was interesting Was this happened about a half a dozen times in the course of a year It was a much friendlier way to meet someone. There was no pressure You could talk to your friends. You could talk to this person There was no pressure and I kind of like that. I like that no pressure And so even though I haven't gone on any dates, uh, since my Uh relationship ended I've had a couple what I call friendship dates women. I know that happen to be single I said, hey, let's get together as friends. No pressure. No expectation of a date um And just to connect with each other and then if something, you know came of it like I mean I wasn't thinking along those lines, but I I think too much pressure Especially when and by the way, these were women that I met out in real life So these weren't online dates, but even if it wasn't someone I meant through an online connection I'd probably make a request that hey, can our first meaning just be something You know friendly not a date not the expectation. Let's both jointly think of a place to come up with So there's no expectation. I think that's oftentimes the the uncomfortable part Is the expectations associated with dating and that's my suggestion to you Gina. So thank you so much Gina also said marriage ended 10 years ago out of the blue not amicable the first eight years being single I had no desire to date. Yeah, we need time to heal from that You know because you don't want to bleed your stuff into with anyone new going forward so I can totally appreciate that um You know brown says and by the way if you have a question write the word question and post the question thereafter Brown says dating at the bars in the 90s was fun. You know what? Actually, I met my my wife my first I say first wife as if I've had many I met my first and only wife at to this point in time Uh in 1990, but I remember the late 80s and 90s going out to the bars and going out dancing was so much fun We'd go out Friday and Saturday nights to go out dancing We didn't go out dancing. We we men went out to pick up chicks, but we did it in the dance environment Excuse my slurping um Coffee's still a little hot. Um because it was a great way to say hey Would you like to go dance and talk? So yeah, I can totally totally relate to that. So thank you so much. I appreciate it It doesn't look like we have any questions today. We've got kind of a bashful group Hey, I give you one more chance to join the hot seat. I'd love to have someone join us live um But again, if we don't ask questions, we're going to be wrapping up really quickly Uh, Kathy McFadden says oh, hold on a second. It was fun. Wasn't it? Yeah, I thought I have a lot of you know what it was fun because We didn't have these devices. We weren't on our you know, it's fascinates me how many people spend time on their devices you know Um Spend time on our devices Then we do actually interacting with people. It's just an observation. I've noticed so All right, you know what folks seems like we have a bashful group tonight We have kind of a low numbers here. So I think this would be a great place to wrap up. When is the right? Oh, here we go Okay, sweet chick says I was just about to end sweet chick says sorry. I just joined. Have you covered speed dating? You know what? I haven't had much fun speed dating. I mean I mean it's interesting um It's interesting, but I just haven't had fun with it myself But you know, there's you know, I look at these all as a spoke in the wheel try different things to connect with different people You know, maybe go with some friends Uh several people and hopefully guys go with several friends and then afterwards you mingle and chat with one another Um, but yeah, I mean I'm speed dating is just a spoke in the wheel to connect with people Really, it's only it's an opportunity to connect with people. Usually they have a balance between half men half women And while it's rare that you find a love connection There's always the broken clock that is right twice a day. So I'd certainly give that a chance All right, folks, you know what? I think this would be a great place to wrap up today I want to if you have something to share about when is the right time to date after a breakup Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts As always if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell if you can to be notified of new videos And if you want to schedule a call with me check out the links below in the show notes and in the first comment You can schedule a call with me. You can join my group called midlife love mastery. You can follow me on instagram You can get all the books I recommend and join all the groups as well All right, this I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video First off, I want to give myself a big gigantic jothin barrow of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We can all use more love in our lives And no, this is not a replay cindy. This is live I just you guys waited too long to come up with questions. So we're wrapping up today, but cindy. This is live All right, everyone. Thanks for joining me. Have a wonderful day. Be well. Bye now