 Good evening, this is Ronald Coleman inviting you to join Mrs. Coleman and meet for the next half hour when our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitz beer, present the halls of Ivy. And if you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the country, as for Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. It has to be fine to be first. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy, USA. With a student body and a faculty of Ivy College in the grip of final examinations and administrative chores for the academic year completed, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall has found an idle hour or so to reacquire himself with a small volume which is not included but should be in the great books course. It's called a checkbook and seven and four. The love of the mummy is the root of all evil and I wish I had the green financial sum to locate all the roots. Thirty-three and thirty-three and six. I'm sure I don't know, Vicki. At nine and eight seventeen and five. If, as Oscar Wilde said, experiences the name everyone gives to their mistakes, this is a big experience. Twenty-two and seven. Did you see the last copy about it? Oh, seriously, am I interrupting? Yes, my sweet, you are, but you are not impeding me half as much as my own lack of fiscal competence. Oh, hey, checkbook. Did you find the mistake? I found something wrong, but I can't find the mistake. If a herpetologist should happen to drop in, please hide me in a basket, will you? I don't even know what a herpetologist is. Well, it's an expert on snakes and I've discovered that I'm a rather poisonous adder. Now, let me, uh, let me see, now, twenty-two and seven. Can I help, Cardi? I can be loved to catch the bank in an era. They will require me eighteen cents once and then with unty million dollars in assets. No, darling, as a matter of self-discipline and a brushing up in simple arithmetic, I'd better do this myself. Thirty-three and three, and, uh, oh, oh, here it is. I didn't carry my saw. That explains everything. Not for me, adjacent. Well, I mean, I found the mistake, which was my own. Oh, well, I'm sorry. Now you can't just tour me into the bank. There must be a lot of satisfaction in hearing our own screams of rage echoing us marble walls. Yes, yes, but let's save our screams for a more worthy purpose. Such as cheering at the discovery that we have eighty-four dollars more than I thought. Eighty-four dollars? Now this is going to Mexico this summer. Eighty-four dollars. Forty-two dollars a piece. Um, I don't mind traveling on a shoestring, my darling, but it's more comfortable if you have shoes as well. But eighty-four dollars, how wonderful. Now, it isn't the amount that's important. It's the joy of the unexpected windfall. The treasure trove. The bursting of the bonds of the budget. The omen of good fortune ahead. Viva Mexico! Well, before I start packing our bags, may I remind you about your last unsuspected windfall? Do you remember? You found a five-dollar bill you'd forgotten all about, and company rushed out and bought me a new dinner dress costing fifteen cents that much. Yeah, and well spent, too. You made such an impression on Cyrus McElhaney at the founder's day dinner that he doubled his endowment on the spire. That dinner dress, Vicki, was the foundation for the new girl's gymnasium. It was the first time I ever attended a formal dinner in a foundation garment. But what started you budget-spucking today? I'm usually the little financial genius who messes up the tech-stubs. Well, I finally found the leisure for it. Look, my desk is clear. My commencement speech is written. It's subject to being rewritten five more times, of course. All important correspondence out of the way, official documents initialed in triplicate, no impending appointment. By the way, darling, sir, let the clock stop. Yes, I know, dear. It stopped last night during our brief power failure. Shall I start it again? No, no, no, please, don't I? I'm enjoying the feeling of time at a standstill. College president works self out of jobs. I'm going to paint a little sign. Vacant minds for rent during summer months. Hey, come on, Vicki. Hey, let's go for a walk. Doesn't the gasman smell wonderful? Ah, the lovely months of June. June, a four-letter word meaning a proclamation of emancipation for college president. It's a lovely evening, too. Our blessing to piling up an $84 book keeping bonus, a husband with nothing to do, and all on a bar mitune night. Yes, how beautiful this night. The bar mitune size which Fern Zephyr's dreams in Eden's ear were discord to the speaking quietude that wrapped this moveless theme. I was about to say that the campus is quiet, but it just works right out of my mouth. Well, not I, but Shelley. Yeah, he was pretty good, too, but he was just one poet, you know, more. Oh, look, the dormitory's all lit up. Big run on midnight oil this week. Yes, final exam. The nightmare but also the triumph of the undergraduate. The suspense of not knowing what you really know until you know what the questions are. And if you know the answers, the tremendous sense of relief. The hours of agony so easily and happily forgotten with the passing grade. Sorry, you know, we really should start talking about what we want to take with us to Mexico. Oh, fortunately, we have plenty of time for that. You know, I didn't think Mr. Wellman would be that considerate. About what? Well, he can call me this afternoon to let me know he was taking care of everything. In fact, for him, he was quite frolicsome about relieving me of the last many details. I'm not mad at Mr. Wellman being frolicsome. It's like having a great day and trying to sit in your lap. I know. The only great day I like in my lap is Hamlet. Remind him, remind me to pack him in my trunk when we... Oh, look, Tony, there's Ray Adams coming this way. He's awfully nice. I'll be really sorry to see him graduate. Well, I'll tell him that. If it'll please you, I'm sure he'll try to fail all his examinations. Ah, good evening, Ray. Oh, Mr. Hall, hello, Mrs. Hall. Oh, where have you been hiding? Yes, I hadn't had a chance to congratulate you. Don't put a hex on me, Dr. Hall. I still got four exams to go. Well, that was a splendid performance you gave the other night in the senior class. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Hall. I've forgotten all about that. Say, if you'll excuse me, I've got to run. Bye. Good bye. Hmm, he looked worried. Well, of course. That's a normal student expression for this time of the year. Oh, I know, but Ray has always taken things in stride. Oh, well, his business, I suppose. Mine is finished for the year. There's Mr. Wellman taking over final details of... I wouldn't take just what final details. Maybe there is something... I don't worry about it, dear. Enjoy your freedom. Oh, I am enjoying it. I'd enjoyed even more if I knew what Mr. Wellman's purpose was in... Now, let me see. Cancel the board meeting for this evening. John Merriweather's out of town. Mr. Cooperville. Mr. Crane's wife is having a baby. The girl, I hope. Why do you call this a girl? Well, because it'd be a pity for a man who plays golf as badly as Mr. Crane to have a son to grow up and be ashamed of him. Yes, this is the way he... Oh, hello, Professor Carter. Say, Professor Carter, did you ever find that copy of... Oh, I don't look so hurt, darling. You did take time to slap his hand at you. Well, I know, but I wanted to talk to him about the economics curriculum. Next fall. First, I implore you to wait. What will we be talking about? Mr. Wellman, but I'd rather talk about Mexico. It's a warmer subject. I don't care how, Dr. and Mr. Wellman gets over the phone. Now, he's not very successful as a humorist. Although it's brevity as the soul of which he should be, because he has as brief a soul as anyone I know of. Well, let's get back to Mexico. Now, do you think we can see all of it on $84? Or, uh, just a quick dash across the border to call it as a Bel Rancho Grande and back with the smuggled perfume? Vicky, my sweet, you are perpetuating an unfair stereotype. All Scotsmen are not nicers. All the Irish are not brawlers. All Armenians do not pedal rugs. And Mexico is not composed entirely of border towns, enchiladas, and la cucaracha played on a male-order guitar. Well, I don't suppose they really are. Well, it is a magnificent country. Beautiful and dramatic, colourful and courteous. How it's courteous is withstood the onslaught of tourists in cowboy shirts who cannot see Mexican dignities while Mexican dust is more than eye-shouldered. Oh, Mr. Wellman! Well, hello! Good evening, Miss Sherman. You're the first cheerful-looking person we've seen this evening. Finished with your examination? Oh, no, and don't let my happy little face fool you, Doctor. Actually, I'm in an awful mess. I got my thesis in on time, but I forgot all about the bibliography, and now I can't find my note that's completely there. Well, that might not be as fatal as you're making it sound. If you'll tell me the subject... Oh, Doctor, oh, you're a doll. But that's all you need is all you've got on your mind. But, God, Professor Huntley's been a complete lamb. I got panicked and cried on his shoulder this afternoon, and he said he'd give me a 24-hour extension, but I still haven't found them. I'm absolutely frustrated. Well, excuse me, won't you have got to dig up a bibliography something like five? It would cheer up, darling. I mean, losing one's bibliography can't be that bad. I've had worse crises than that when I was treated as losing my bib. Well, it isn't the bibliography, but it's serious. When a girl, intelligent enough to write a thesis, writing a bibliography descends to terms like, I'm absolutely fractured, I got panicked, Professor Huntley is a complete lamb, and Dr. Hall, you're a doll. But you are a doll. I am beginning to think of myself as being full of excelsior. It's decorative, you know, decorative, but not very useful. Oh, well... Oh, it isn't that bad. I've seen the time when you were quite useful around here. So what did you mean about me having so much in my mind? I've nothing on my mind. And when a student doesn't feel that I'm approachable enough to help with a small problem like a bibliography... Cardi, Cardi, dear, you're being unfair to yourself. Judicial criticism, you've always said, is constructive and helpful. Well, I know, but in this case... Well, in this case, it's unfair criticism. I had a wedding honey opened in London, and Newman Follingsby gave it a dreadful notice because he didn't like our de Camillo, our director. Yes, I remember it quite well. It was a completely unethical, unnecessarily caustic reveal. My very point, darling, I remember what you said at the time. Oh, I said a great deal, as I recall it, including that the success of the play refuted the critic. You said he was guilty of a foul. He was belting below the hip. And so are you, so come on, let's finish our war. Dr. Hall's a vibey at the next morning. Dr. Hall is sitting at his desk, where he's just covered two legal-sized sheets of paper with circles, dots, triangles, curlicues, faces of flocks, and various rather unreasonable facsimiles of Mr. Wellman's rather unreasonable face. I've also never talked of coffee, Cardi. You didn't mean coffee, right, Christiana? Oh, you're busy. I didn't mean to bother you. No, I'm not busy, darling. I'm just exercising my subconscious. If my virtuous new England ancestors could see me wasting time like this, they would deplore my Yankee doodling. I think you doodle dandy, Yankee. Why's that thing in the middle there, the face that looks like an embittered gargoyle? I'm complimented. You recognized Mr. Wellman. Oh, that's a fine way to spend a glorious morning like this. Come on out and help me pick some roses. Well, having married you, my love, picking another rose would be sheer redundancy. Gee, thanks. You're my fellow. Besides, I'm expecting a call, and I don't want to be too far from the telephone. Oh, of course. Has the mail come yet? Yes, it has. Two circulars, a dry seeming bill, and this letter addressed the Mr. and Mrs. So I opened it. Uh-huh. It was a clipping from the Santa Times of New Bedford, Massachusetts, and a card congratulating us on our golden wedding. Anniversary. It said, and I'll read it. I've got it somewhere in my pocket here. It says, occasions like this are sure to embolden your friends to be happy for weddings so golden. Well, that's very nice. Cardi. Mm-hmm. The poem, if I may so refer to it, is congratulating us on our golden wedding anniversary. Well, in that case, my dear, we must answer and thank whoever... our what? I was afraid it would be our golden anniversary before you realized what I said. Well, let's see it. Well, if this isn't for us, it's addressed to Professor William T. Hall, snipper to it, roll, rock it, sir, in New York. Or give it back to the mailman and tell him it was delivered at the wrong address. Stop throwing, dear. Are you worried about something? No, no, just puzzles. No communications from anybody, even Mr. Wellman. No phone calls, no problems. I don't know if we can go to Mexico. I may still be in Coventry now. I seem to be persona non-grata for everyone. Well, you're so mad that I'm loudy with me. And what Mexico anyway? There's the place to go, there are others. When you feel we can leave, you'll put a finger on the globe, give it a spin. And when it stops, we go... That's it. Round and round and round it goes, and where it stops, I'll ask, what clothes? That's always a woman's first question. A man, starting off in a journey, asks, how's the food? A woman says, I haven't got a thing to wear. However, I think that... Well, there, you see, nothing after size at all. Oh, very reassuring. Hello, Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, hello, Professor Eastliff, glad to hear from you. What? Oh, yes, well, it does happen sometimes. No, no, no, that's quite all right, I understand. By the way, everything going on all right in your department? Oh, it is, yes. I know how busy you must be, yes, of course. Well, goodbye. Yes, that sort of thing does happen frequently. Particularly if you have a lot of things in your mind. I've done it myself many times. Than what, to whom? Well, Professor Eastliff, dialed me by mistake. He was calling the library. Dialed, but I've got to remind me. I've got a lot of books that are overdue and some shopping I'd like to attend to if you won't be using the car for now or so. No, I'm afraid I won't be. Not nothing to do. I'll get the car out for you. Yeah, well, I really was planning to leave for an hour or two. Well, I might as well get it out anyway. All right, Cardi, thank you. Hello? Yes. I'll take it, Vicky. I'll go inside, Cardi, for me. Oh, is it? Yes, huh? This is Maryweather. Oh, she's been. Ask her if John's back yet. Yes, ma'am, Cardi. Yes, well, how's she feeling? She's good. How many pounds? Seven-thirteen. Well, that's big for a girl. Well, I'll order some flowers today. Oh, by the way, is Mr. Maryweather back yet? Oh, well, I'd better ring off now. Dr. Hall is expecting an important call. But thank you for letting me know. Goodbye. Mrs. Crane has had her baby, and Mr. Maryweather's not back yet. And not being one to burn the scandal at both ends, I'm sure there's no connection. No connection. Victoria, in the interest of truth, I must admit that when I said I was expecting a call, I meant in a general sort of way, not a specific particular phone call, but the sheer boredom of... of sheer... sheer, Vicky, let's cut some roses. William Cowper put it neatly when he said absence of occupation is not rest. The mind quite vacant is the mind distressed. I can never remember whether he said that before he went mad or after. Well, it sounds like after. Of course, there's a difference between a mind that's vacant and one that's just on vacation. Well, I'll turn, I just say the only difference is brain. Oh, and there come some of my favorite brains down the street right now. Oh, but they're going to be addled if it keeps up that pace. Warren, trying to set a new string record, Professor? Hi, John. Hello. Hello, Mrs. Hall. Can't talk for long. I've got the momentum up, and that's one thing if you lose, you can't refill at the nearest gas station. Well, you're darn chipper enough. I feel lousy enough. Mrs. Hall, you're the first good thing I've seen all week. Well, the only excuse I'll accept for you are not coming to see it is final examinations, Professor. Final examinations, final rubbys. One of the most monstrous acts of human sadism in all history. You spend months painfully pouring information into the opaque heads of a bunch of kids, and then when they're half-strowned in it, you stand them up against the wall and shoot them full of questions. And if they haven't got the answers for them right then, that minute, while they're in a state of shock, they're dead. Well, you can carry out their bodies, Dr. Hall. I won't. You know, darling, Professor, William has been waiting for just such a critical situation all day. Well, I'll admit, Professor, that the pressures of final examinations may seem to be unfair, but after all, education is a preparation for thinking. You must be able to think under pressure if you're going to live under pressure. And who doesn't live under pressure these days? There are demands as well as rewards in our civilization. I'd like to discuss this with you further. I got to see Charlie Holmes, you know him. Oh, yes, he's a history major. One of your best children. You know what's happening here? He's flunking in history. And you know why he's petrified. And you know why he's petrified? No, don't answer. I'm not going to send him to a psychoanalyst either. I am going to handle this myself. I have to hit him over the head with two volumes of the D and F of the RE. Now, what on earth is the D and F of the RE? The trade shock, Bickey. The time and fall of the Roman Empire. Oh! Well, Professor, if it is said... That's not a bad idea either. Or I might use Motley's rise to the Dutch Republic. It's heavier. Did you say something, Doc? Well, I wondered if perhaps you'd like me to speak to Holmes. I have a little free time now. No, no, no, thanks all the same, but he's my responsibility. I don't know what scared him could have been me. Whatever it was, I've got to fix it. Why, that kid couldn't ruin my reputation. You don't know how well off you are, Doc. But I wouldn't give for a nice, soft administrative job this time of year. I think William would gladly face it with you, Professor Warren. He's such a success as a college president. He's worked himself out of a job. Oh, I wouldn't go so far as... Mrs. Holmes, me as president of this college is an appalling conception. Well, Doc, I've wasted enough of your valuable time. Oh, I've plenty to spare today. Besides, it's going to take me a couple of hours to get my jalopy out of that badminton court that passes for a parking space in back of Emerson Hall. I've got to run. You run back soon. I will. And Mrs. Hall, if my dementia senile seems to be showing a bit this morning, I want you to know that while final exams may be tough for the students, they're murdering the professors. Goodbye. Bye. I thought you too might have made a bargain, Toddy. You've been looking for a problem all day, and you've got too many. The professors are fulfilling their responsibilities and the students are attending to their work. I've been trying to do nothing too laboriously. And if I don't get a problem soon, I'll have to make one. What was it Warren was saying about the parking situation? Oh, well, back to the roses. Now, which ones do you think should we? Is that our telephone? I think so. Do you want me to get it? No, no. Don't bother. Better open the door before you try to go in. Oh, this is Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, hello, Mr. Werman. I was hoping to hear from you. Oh, no, no. Nothing special. How did everything go? It is. That's fine. No, no, no. Nothing else. Yes. Yes, there is one little thing, Mr. Werman. I'm sure you're aware of the alarming increase of students and faculty automobiles during the last year. It's created a critical parking problem. Yes, yes, there is a possible solution. Mr. Werman, how would you feel about tearing down the science building to make space for a parking lot? Oh, I see. I see. I see. Oh, I see. I see. I see. Oh, I see. I see. I see. Oh, it's... It is needn't be the science building tearing down Emerson Hall will create a large parking area for students. Oh, it's possible. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Now, now, just...just think about it, Mr. Werman. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Werman. Goodbye, Mr. Werman. Now, Vicky, I hope you couldn't over here what Mr. Werman said. It was hardly suitable for feminine years. Well, I couldn't, but I overheard what you suggested tearing down Emerson Hall for a parking lot. Are you serious? Oh, of course not, but... but not having any problems, I had to create one. You see, Mr. Werman was inclined... I'll get it. Dr. Hall speaking. This is as good a time as any, and I find that there's no reasons or listens to Mr. Werman. I agree with you. What? Completely? I will ask for a demolition bench tomorrow. Yeah, but, but, but, but, Mr. Werman... Let's, let's, I dare, most concerned. Goodbye. Vicky, he wants to tear down everything on the campus. Well, congratulations. You've got a problem. Now, how are you going to feel being president of a parking lot? Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman, you are to play Barbecue Brian, the other star cast of Barbara Ireland High, at the back. Tonight's trip was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Swift Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who invites you to enjoy the Pulitzer Prize Playhouse on television on Friday night.