 Yeah, she needs mommy's attention. Yes, time to let mommy film and go to sleep now. Hello there, my beautiful, lovely, talented, intelligent and resilient internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thanks for joining me here on Footless Joe. I am Joe. I am missing a foot, a meat foot anyways. And little Sophie here is very needy today so there will probably be video interruptions of puppy cuteness. I hope you're okay with that. Can I have this arm back? I need it. I need it because I want to gesture. It's not gonna happen. We're gonna use this one. So I fully realized that the title of this video could sound like clickbait and also it's just sort of a confusing sentence. I've heard of people like getting infections from tattoos or regretting them. So how can a tattoo literally save your life? So today I'm gonna tell you how no joke, no clickbait, a tattoo has literally saved my life and how maybe it could for you too. As we dive in today, Sophie here just whispered off camera. She'd really like it if you hit that subscribe button and maybe the like button too while you're at it. You know, I wouldn't say anything if it wasn't for her but I did want to pass along that message from my very cute puppy who you don't want to disappoint. Okay, let's actually dive in. October 10th is World Mental Health Awareness Day. Today is not October 10th because I missed that deadline but I did still want to tell the story as I think it has been a pretty powerful message from me anyways and dealing with some really difficult things that I've faced in my life. If you're new to my channel or you don't know a whole lot about my story not only in my below the knee amputee I've also experienced a good deal of relational trauma that involved sexual assault, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, not fun things. The traumas that I've experienced being in those situations have left deep and lasting scars, have left me dealing with PTSD and very dark depression and suicidal thoughts and panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better now, years after the fact but it still does have an impact on me. And one of the most powerful things I ever did for myself, I did on a whim and I didn't realize that it would be something that ended up quite honestly saving my life. And was that talking to a friend or journaling or going to therapy? Yes, all of those things, a very strong yes but there was something that I did that was very unconventional that when I say it out loud I'm like this may not make a whole lot of sense to anyone else but in the brain space that I was in when I was in this deep, dark depression is exactly what I needed to find my way out. So grief and trauma have a different way of affecting all of us but for me I tend to have a little bit of a delayed reaction so I went through a bunch of traumatic stuff I wasn't doing great but about six months after the fact it all came crashing down on me. During that time in my life I spent a lot of time trying to actually stay alive and I mean that in like a minute to minute kind of sense every day was a struggle to get through and not just drive my car as fast as I could into the closest median that I could find or off a bridge I was in the darkest place that I've ever experienced and I didn't have the tools to find a way out like this wasn't ever anything I'd ever had any experience with I just knew that I couldn't do this anymore and I was simultaneously really scared that I might do something really drastic and also I think there was a part of me that still wanted to survive it was real deep down but it was there and it was that thing, it was that voice of damn it I am going to find my way through this that surfaced for a few minutes on April 30th that I acted on that made a really positive impact on my life and my mental health and that was getting a tattoo and this was not just any tattoo this was like a $40 tattoo from a not super great tattoo place that I probably would never go back to or recommend and this tattoo that I'm about to show you sits right below my collarbone it's in a very prominent position like if I'm wearing a t-shirt in the summer you can pretty much always see it and what I had them tattoo on me in not the best art style but hey it worked was this this tattoo right here which you may have seen in some other videos says hope and it's stitched with a needle that's kind of attached at the end my thinking at the time was like that hope was so painful to hold on to that I felt like it was like tearing into my skin to hold on to this idea of hope so I wanted to like reflect the idea that hope was painful but also really necessary so on April 30th I got this tattoo but the real reason that I got this tattoo may sound silly but I can tell you that it worked as previously stated I was not having an easy go of things I would picture my death, right? I would picture what would happen after picture how that was gonna go and I would think about paramedics being called and having to see a 20, 21 year old girl with the word hope tattooed on her having taken her own life and that idea was so ridiculous to me like I couldn't imagine like the idea of first responders seeing that and being like you got that tattooed on you but you couldn't hold on to it on the one hand I felt like it could be crushing to someone who was struggling with the idea of hope like oh okay hope doesn't work and on the other hand it felt like it would be so crushingly embarrassing to be in that situation even though I wouldn't be here anymore and if neither one of those reasons make any sense to you that's totally okay I don't think that they're particularly rational reasons but it sincerely worked getting this tattooed on my skin for the rest of my life here on planet earth was almost like an insurance policy for me that when I got to those very dark places which I got to and I continued to revisit and I've healed as time has gone on it was like this public statement to myself and to anyone else that I had no idea how but I was gonna find a way to hold on to hope to hold on to this idea that things are not okay right now but maybe there's a chance that they could be someday maybe there's a chance that I wouldn't feel this way anymore even though I was 100% convinced that all of that darkness would never, ever leave and one of the reasons that this story is powerful for me in my own life is not only the fact that it worked but it's the fact that I listened to that little voice of survival telling me to do and not a super thought through thing I had a thought in the morning of getting this tattoo and then I went and did it generally I like to put a little more thought into things that I'm gonna permanently be a part of my body that's just me I think this was not the wisest and most thought out decision I ever had but listening to that little small voice of survival that peaked its head up long enough for me to hear it that day sketching out a tattoo bringing in the artist at noon and having it done by two o'clock in the afternoon had such a positive impact on getting me through the darkest time of my life and it's continued to it's a thought that continues to surface that like nope I made this statement to the whole world and I am not, I am not under any circumstances going to let someone find me having made this public statement of hope being something that is a part of me I'm not gonna let anyone find me having given up on that I've been loving a lot of these videos that have been made about mental health during this month from different YouTube creators I think it's so important to talk about it and I've like I said I have a whole other channel dedicated to just talking about like mental health and life in the aftermath of trauma I've linked down below for you to check out but oftentimes I think we hear about the more conventional means of getting through something which for the record are very, very useful for a lot of people things like finding therapy if it's accessible to you if you can find a way to do that talking to people, talking to people in your life about what you're thinking, what you're feeling reaching out, journaling, meditating, yoga getting outside, talking to your doctor that's really important too there's this long list of things that can have a really positive benefit on our mental health when we're struggling but I've never heard a whole lot about some of the more just random things that may or may not make sense to anyone else that help you stay alive so one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this is because we hear so much about those more conventional discussed methods of making it through something and while a lot of them have huge benefits and again, I would highly recommend a lot of those things especially finding safe people and talking to them be it a friend, a family member or a therapist but sometimes it's just the bizarre stuff that gets you through sometimes it's telling yourself you're gonna find out what happens at the end of this freaking season of Grey's Anatomy that's been going on for way too long but if you took your own life you wouldn't be around to see that gosh darn season finale there's a poem that I'm gonna link down below that always makes me tear up and it's about all of these just random ass reasons to stay alive or yes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but you know that you've known that anyone and everyone has been shoving that down your throat since you first learned what the word suicide meant those slogans might have lost their meaning but anything that keeps you alive is worth saying think of all the tears you'll never get to shed think of all the celebrity Twitter fights all the puppies and goldfish think of all the sunflowers and frozen yogurt flavors I know this sounds pointless this is about staying alive because it's pumpkin season this is about staying alive because you never really learned how to make gnocchi this is about staying alive because the future is coming and it is ready for you right now if you find yourself in a very dark and difficult place if you find yourself plagued by these thoughts of I do not want to be alive anymore first of all, please know you're not alone in thinking that you're not the only person who's felt that way you're not broken or weird or alone I get it and a lot of other people do I promise you there is a way through this there is another side to what you're feeling there is a way that that darkness is going to be able to shift and lift and sometimes it takes searching a little while to figure out what that is for you so if you're someone who's tried some of the conventional things and don't feel any better and think, gosh, if something must be wrong with me or they're just bad suggestions I would encourage you to listen to that maybe still small voice of survival and consider doing the unconventional things like getting a not fantastically artistically done tattoo because it means just enough to you to stay alive or maybe that's sticking around to figure out if you can ever actually run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time or maybe that's getting a pet because that animal relies on you to keep it alive and so you gotta stay alive whatever that reason might be for you I would encourage you to safely be open to things that may not make sense to everybody in the world that may be unconventional and strange and odd and maybe if you put them into words they wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to other people but if it's enough to keep you going to the end of today then it's worth doing and keep trying those things keep going to bed and waking up even if it feels awful right now and find what works and find your way out and as you keep doing that as you keep going to sleep and waking up and going to sleep and waking up and maybe hating every moment of it slowly you will find your way through this you will find tools and tactics and guides and help along the way that work for you we need you here but much more than that you need you here even if you think I'm not talking to you right now even if you think yeah that might be true for other people but whatever it's not true for me because this list of reasons I am talking to you and that list of reasons can feel very true but I promise you life is worth sticking around for you are worth sticking around to see what life has in hold for you and there are so many people who want you and need you here if you haven't found those people right now it's painful but it's not the end of the story it took me a while to find safe people to connect with, to talk with who I actually felt any kind of connection with who I actually felt any kind of safety with it took a while but I found it because I kept looking for and I'll always keep looking for if I sink down to dark places again whatever it takes for you to stay alive do that thing it's worth doing but while we are still somewhat close to world mental health awareness day even though I did miss the actual date of it I hope you'll forgive me I did want to share a sort of odd piece of my mental health journey that has had a really fantastic impact and I will always hold this literally and figuratively very close to my heart thank you for being here thank you for watching this video thank you for sitting with me for five or eight or 12 minutes however long this ends up being and listening to my story whatever place you might find yourself in right now I'm rooting for you and I hope you're taking some time of day to take care of yourself a big thank you to all of my patrons over on Patreon for keeping this channel going I can never express my gratitude to each and every one of you if you're interested in financially supporting this channel I would love it if you'd check out Patreon.com slash Joe Beckwith it's also linked down below but with that being said I really appreciate you being here you could be anywhere in the world doing anything else right now and you chose to spend a little bit of time with me and that means a lot to me thank you I love you guys, I'm thinking about you and I'll see you in the next video bye everybody I'll talk to you soon bye guys hand her from the sky all about