 Hey, hey Tony Gaskins here. Thank you for joining me for another episode of talks with Tony You know got a long one now, so you bear with me today. This is a long question Thank you for sending it in says hi Tony I hope you are doing well and and I really enjoyed watching your videos and hearing your advice I have a question and hope you can help. Thank you so much. I've been dating a guy for seven months I'm 30 and he's 31 we met online He was in the process of moving here and immediately started going on dates when he got here Everything was great in the beginning as it always is and he said all the right things Including the fact that he was dating with the purpose of finding a wife He took me out several places restaurants parks to see fireworks, etc And talked to me for hours on the phone Then a few months in I asked him where he thought things were going and he said that he liked But was also dating other women some of whom he felt a spark with and was really interested in I fell back and he began to pursue me more Then he said he had narrowed it down between me and one other woman which sounds terrible He spent so much time with me and started spending the night with me going out places again And eventually said we were dating exclusively and he had cut the other woman off But even with dating exclusively he said he's not ready for a relationship because he needs to know he's going to marry someone He needs to know he's going to marry someone before making that kind of commitment And he's used to dating lots of women at one time and does not trust himself After more after more time his effort started to fall off And I would tell him that we need to spend more time together outside of the house And I needed consistency and honest communication to continue He kept saying he would do more and would for a little But always revert back to very little effort Towards the end he would just come over eat watch tv talk for a while and go to sleep and almost seemed offended if spending money on me came up But still steady saying we're moving towards a relationship I met some of his family and closest friends as well His cousin slash roommate Told me that he has a history of dating women to get benefits And as soon as he has To put in real effort he distances himself and makes up some reason as to why he isn't compatible with her He told me I bring too much stress slash drama for what I wanted And kept saying I'm free to date other men, but I don't date multiple men at once I think the entire time we've just had two different goals With dating and I feel like I allowed him to play me We argued last week because he plays video games as a hobby and will do it for hours after work and all weekend I asked him if we could spend time together and he said he would rather play the game After the argument I was a little out of character and showed up at his house because he just cut me off and would not talk to me about why He also lives across the street So I think he came over as a convenience a lot He said this was just too much for him and he didn't want to feel tied down Nagged or like he has to report his every move or can't do what he wants I've never been clingy in all ways say it's healthy for us to have our own lives and hobbies But I do believe relationships need balance I am extremely busy outside of him with work my business hobbies and other friends But was making time for him. I don't understand how he could walk away and treat me like I'm just dead to him I'm exhausted from dating men like this. It hurts and I know I probably Played myself made it too easy and ignored a lot of red flags But if you can help me understand what may have gone through his mind, I would really appreciate it. Thank you So you want to understand what went through his mind? Thank you. That was a long email for those who stuck with me through it Thank you very much Well, see here's the thing um, he's 31 years old and at 31 Not a lot of men know who they are what they want where they're going He's also a 31 year old gamer Means he plays for hours after work and he plays all weekend Which basically equates to being a bum And I'm sorry for offending the guys who watching this who have those same habits But listen to me fellas if that video game is not paying you Then you're playing yourself You're wasting time unless you're going to get in some tournaments and win some tournaments as a gamer You're wasting time because you could be pursuing your purpose in all them hours you spending on that game You could be creating streams of income You could be building your business. You could be focusing on your purpose So the first thing what you have to realize sister is that you Had a grown boy You had a grown boy not a grown man And video games need to start to really slow down around 25 years old because that's when life starts to get serious And you got to do real things with real time because you don't get that time back and on your death bed You're not going to wish that you have more time on call of duty You're going to wish you had more time in your purpose So sister you got to realize that The next thing what you have to realize this is a mistake that you made is he told you he was dating multiple women Anytime a man tells you he's dating multiple women. You got to put your track shoes on and you got to take off running It is understood that a man will date multiple women What's understood does not need to be explained What's understood does not need to be Confessed or told when a man tells you that he's dating multiple women. That's already that's a test Because if you stayed you a fool Because now he says so you're telling me You are willing to be in this horse race In this horse race that you're willing to chase the bunny rabbit around the track People betting on you, but you don't win nothing all you get is tired All you get is tired People betting on you meaning your friends and your family Hoping you get married But if you don't win the horse race, you get nothing they get nothing All you get is tired So when he tells you i'm dating other women and you like okay, okay cool. That's what men do. Oh, at least he honest. No At least you playing the fool is what it is So that's the red flag. So here's the thing you say what's going through his mind What's going through his mind is this what's going through his mind Got this woman. She one of many Tell her she fall back Oh, maybe she classy Maybe she got something since she's gonna fall back when I tell her she's one of many and i'm used to dating many women So I tell her this she fall back. Okay, let me pick it up because this might be a good woman So let me pick it up. Let me show a little more time He started to give you a little more time Then he tells you i've narrowed it down You still in the race. I've narrowed it down and you still in the race And so now here you is you hear this that is between you and one other woman And you're gonna stay in the fight You're gonna hear this and stay in the fight So then he said She's a slap fool She's a slap fool So, you know what? Maroon mate McCousen slash roommate This is what he this was going through his head. I can't trust him I don't like him He doesn't like me We blood but we not family And I say that because it's his cousin that told you That he likes The play games with women and when it comes time for a real effort He back off Cousen to never said that Cousen had no business Telling his cousin business So the fact that cousin telling this man business that let me know that this man know his cousin ain't worth nothing So Now this let me know Because you live across the street You exactly right You are you were a woman of convenience So what's going through his head is Let me go over here to her house So I could be out of the house From around my cousin So my cousin could think I got something going on and that I'm busy But I'll be over here in your house Don't want to be with you But I'm gonna sleep with you and I'm gonna eat up your groceries And I'm gonna play my video game over here Get off my game. We're gonna have us some sex and then I'm going to sleep So I'm just using you for somewhere to stay And for some sex That's what's going through his mind And then when you go to requiring more His addiction to that video game started to kick in and he was like look, I'm married to the game right now I'm I'm in a relationship with this game right now And I got to spend hours a day with this game when I get off work And then I got to spend hours All weekend with this game. So I'm married to this game. I don't have time for a relationship I don't have time to be dealing with your nagging So your standards that you're trying to put in place It doesn't match up. It doesn't match up doesn't add up because he's like, how are you trying to have standards? But when I told you you will want a minute you stayed When I told you you were still in the race and I narrated down to you and one other woman then You stayed But now you asking for more but you already showed me that you don't know your word So how are you asking me for more but you already showed me you don't know your word Oh You lost Oh, you confused this is what he's thinking So it doesn't make sense to him because you agreed to be a horse in the race But then now you want to be main and exclusive and you want all this time and he's like this don't go together It's don't go together You know when I met my wife, I was talking to four other women that did not come out of my lips And I cut them four other women off in the first week or two Because I saw that she was my wife and I became 100 exclusive with her But then guess what when I try to impose my will I try to be a grown boy. I try to be jealous. I try to be controlling. I try to be You know everything that I was toxic She walked off on me Even after we had had sex She didn't say because I've invested all this time and I've had sex with this man I'm gonna keep dealing with him. She said no, I'm done Deuces she walked off on me so You didn't do that You didn't do that and he played you like a fool and let me tell you what happened He was able to come over your place after work and spend all this time And be on this video game all this time Because the woman he had narrated down to with you She realized he was full of it And she had more self-respect Then you had and she kicked his butt to the curb That's why he had all the time in the world for you to sit on the video game So the thing is is he never wanted you After he realized that you weren't his wife He just wanted to juggle you with the other women But when the other women cut him off Because he wasn't giving them the time and the effort That they wanted And they cut him off Then he had more time to sit and play his video game at your place And you're asking him for time saying we need to spend more time together But he's like look i'm on this game because I don't even want you I just want to be over here. So um, I don't have to be in the house with my cousin So I know that's hard to hear but this is a lesson for everybody listening pay attention to the signs If you ride down the road and you see dead in dead in dead in cliff cliff danger Pay attention to the signs The moment that hit you which you you put in here you said You put in here I fell back and he began to pursue me more. I call that human physics When you fall back they come closer When you chasing they run So when you fell back he came When you told him I need more time he took off He give him more time to video game. You say you need more time. He on the video game You say I fell back and he began to pursue more Then he said he had and you put in quotation mark narrowed it down Between me and one other woman and you put in parentheses, which sounds terrible You said it Which sounds terrible You said it listen to me That's your intuition Trying to protect you That is the female intuition trying to protect you. That is the sign that says dead in That is the sign that says cliff coming ahead You about to drive off a cliff If you keep going straight cliff watch out for the cliff Which sounds terrible? That is your intuition Ladies ladies ladies ladies ladies and fellows to them parentheses in your life In her email she put in she put in parentheses Which sounds terrible Pay attention to the parentheses in your life When something strikes you And it sounds terrible Or it feels terrible That's the sign you have to listen to and you cannot ignore at that moment right there. You're supposed to say, you know what listen Listen, I don't compete for a man I don't I don't chase a man I don't compete for a man the fact that you even fix your mouth to tell me That i'm one of many or that you narrowed it down Do I look like a a horse in a race? Do I look like a greyhound to you? Man get out my face Hey do my favor get up right now get your stuff get out my face get out my place Just like that right there y'all y'all sit there and just you sit there and you like So you narrowed it down Okay Okay, okay, so this man gonna spit in your face and you just gonna accept it No At that point right there. You got to say listen to me and you can say it with a smile just like this here. Hey listen listen to Uh, get uh get get all your stuff. Uh, yeah, get get your wallet off the table. Yeah get your shoes Get on out of place Get on out my place. Hey, it was good talking to you but listen to me. I don't compete for a man I don't compete for a man. So thank you. It was nice knowing you I know I didn't gave you some of this good, but I got to cut my losses. I got to take that L get on out my place Thank you very much So the lesson from this is Pay attention to the signs It's not what it's not about what was going through his mind. What was going through his mind is that You don't make him better See what you got to see He could be exactly Who he always was with you A man Wants to marry a woman that's going to push him to another level That's going to challenge him. That's going to make him better See you was talking, but you want to require action He playing the video game not spending no time with you if he at your house playing a video game Then or if he at his place playing a video game, let's say He would rather be a let's say he was playing a video game at his place at that point right there It's like a look. Okay. Well do me a favor since you so in love with fortnight or call of duty or NBA 2k Maybe y'all to marry the game do my favorite and lose my phone number. Okay do my favorite lose my phone number And then he calling calling calling calling and he's not getting the answer That right there Is showing him that right there is pushing him to another level that right there is challenging him if you don't do that Then you're showing a man that you don't know your worth that you don't value yourself that you don't love yourself Because you're not holding him accountable To his actions and to his words So therefore what's going through his mind? Like what you asked what's going through his mind is This woman cannot be my wife because she does not know her words. She does not know who she is I'm coming in here and I'm imposing my will and I'm getting to do what I want to do How I want to do it. I can't marry a weak woman like that I need a woman that's going to make me better. I need a woman that's going to push me I need a woman that's going to challenge me If if not then what's the point of this If I could just run over her and just tell her whatever I want She asking me for a date and I tell her I'd rather play the video game and she cool with it No, this woman don't know who she is and so her insecurity is going to drive me crazy Because she don't have enough strength to know who she is and to stand her ground and speak her ground And hold her own so even if he cannot articulate it like that That's what his action showed you when y'all parted ways. That's what he was basically showing you So ladies understand this. I know it sounds unfair I know it sounds unfair and you like well, why I got to do all that and why I got to do all that And why he want me to make him better instead of him just becoming better It ain't my job to make him better It ain't my job. Hey a lot of stuff ain't fair a lot of stuff don't make sense But what you have to realize as a woman is you are the igniter You are the the catalyst A good man becomes a great man due to the woman in his life Men don't become great on their own Men may become good Men may be exceptional, but a good man becomes a great man from his relationship Having an accountability partner that's going to hold him accountable and that's going to push him to the next level And if you're not doing that, guess what? He gonna stay the same he gonna he gonna cut corners. He gonna take shortcuts So hey get that in your spirit. I know it's hard to swallow I know it's hard to hear because it feels like there's too much responsibility on you But it's not about and this what I want you to understand. This is what I want you to understand It's not about you Holding him accountable It's about you holding yourself accountable By you holding yourself accountable and saying look I don't play those games. I don't deal with that. I'm not selling for that That is what holds him accountable and pushes him into greatness So hey, thank you so much for tuning in if you have a question for me Send it to inbox at tonigaskins.com inbox at tonigaskins.com. We will be in touch