 Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I know I just posted a vlog a couple days ago and everything seemed like normal and fine because that was like older footage from a couple weeks ago that I just hadn't gotten around to editing until recently. So a lot has gone on since everything that you saw in that last vlog and now. And I will catch you up and we'll talk about it a little bit, but I just, I've been in a very very low place these past couple of weeks and I'm just, I'm sick of it. Like I'm ready. I feel like I just haven't been able to function or like go about my normal routine or get anything done that I need to do. I've barely left the apartment and I just, I'm like okay, enough is enough. I need to pull myself out of this and today I decided that I'm finally going to try to go out and like run some errands and go do a workout and just try to like snap out of this and remind myself who the F I am. I have to say like I have really been feeling like crap, mentally, emotionally about myself like my self-esteem has been at an all-time low. But there's just something about a matching set that just makes you feel like so much more put together and like it's that time of the month for me right now I'm bloated like I'm just but like as soon as I put this on I was like oh so yeah the workout set is from Airy. This fanny pack is from H&M by the way ignore all the dog hair on my mirror. Like I said I've been going through a rough time my apartment like it needs to be cleaned you can see the mess behind me. I will get there but like pulling myself out of the house and getting myself to like feel alive again is like the first step okay but anyway um fanny pack is from the men's section of H&M and I did get it recently so I'll put a link in the description. I know I always get questions about again ignore the mess this one that I have from Target that I got a few years ago I always got questions about it I don't think it's available anywhere so but this gives a very similar kind of look and I've actually been using this one more lately because I like that it has a little bit of a like more plain kind of sporty look to it and I just put my hair up in a claw clip just grab it like a low to mid ponytail twist and then fold it down and then clip it and then I just like to pull a little bit deodorant because it's really hot outside and perfume this is the powdery Hawthorne from dossier it's a dupe for a Tom Ford fragrance I believe I don't remember the designer name of it I'll put on the screen but dossier is sponsoring this video I really am picky about the sponsorships I choose to take on and if you guys have been watching me for a long time you know dossier is like one of my staples that I have been using and talking about and working with for very very long time I'm obsessed I'm always recommending it even just in real life you know going through this rough time right now and not being able to post as regularly like the support of the sponsors that I have and the sport that I have of you guys for like still being there for me and you know just being here like it really it always means a lot to me but especially in times like this if you've never heard of dossier before they make dupes for designer fragrances for a fraction of the cost by eliminating celebrity marketing retailer markups the fancy packaging and all of that stuff they are able to offer fragrances for a significantly lower price their perfumes start at $29 and they have dupes for brands on there such as like I said Tom Ford YSL Jam alone Baccarat Rouge but it's the exact same high quality they're really potent they last a long time so to me it's just an absolute no brain or like why am I gonna spend more money on a designer fragrance when I can get the exact same thing and just different packaging from dossier I also have a discount code you can use that will save you 10% it's just Sam 10 I will have a link and that code in the description of this video so go check out dossier go get yourself some perfumes this one the powdery Hawthorne it's just like a really nice light fresh send yeah it's kind of perfect right now like on a summery day just to run errands like go work out so yeah thank you dossier for continuing to work with me and support my channel thank you guys you know like I said for being here and allowing me the opportunity to work with sponsors so let's head out I have a posh mark order that I need to mail out and I want to stop at Ulta because I have a gift card and I need some more face oil and then I need to get some groceries and then I want to go work out I don't think I'm gonna do anything crazy but I just want to like get some movement in kind of like clear my mind and let all of like the negative energy sweat out of my pores as I was walking into the post office this man was walking back to his car and he was like excuse me I don't know if anyone told you yet today but you look really really good or really nice or something and you know normally when a man just like make some kind of comment to me I'm like but I mean he was like respectful and nice about it and it was just like really it was nice to hear and yeah I was like thank you so much like I really appreciate that and I really needed to hear that today we need to all like give people compliments because you just never know look if you see someone out and you like their hair you like their outfit or you just think you know whatever like let them know just give them a nice little compliment and you never know like what kind of day or week they are having and just like such a small sentiment like that can like really change someone's mood and be a big deal to them so I did an hour on the treadmill on high incline like a pretty fast-paced walk and I was just blasting Beyonce and she has a lot of songs that really accurately portray how I'm feeling so it's nice when you can just like blast music and turn your like sadness and you're like when you're feeling down like turn that into anger and like this like bad bitch kind of energy you know but now I'm showered I did some makeup and now I'm gonna do my hair and I'm not going anywhere I am not planning on leaving my apartment anymore for the rest of the day it's already now 430 but I just want to do this for myself like I just want to get ready take a couple Instagram pictures I don't know that just always makes me feel better like having a little photo shoot and just like feeling myself again and like getting ready even if you have nowhere to go but like just for yourself just to like remind yourself you are beautiful you are bad so I'm just gonna do like beachy crimpy waves cuz it's like the fastest easiest thing so I'm using the bed head away we go waiver I'm just gonna hold it couple seconds in each spot and just move down and I have it on the highest heat but I'm just gonna work fast like that and not really hold it for very long that way the waves aren't too defined I want it to be soft and more messy these past few months it I mean if you're totally brand-new here I moved from Pennsylvania to North Carolina completely by myself without knowing anybody you're having any family or friends or anyone down here I just like wanted to change I wanted a fresh shirt I wanted to be by the beach I wanted warmer weather and I was in a long-term relationship that ended at that time I never shared much about it because it was just like a very complicated situation and I didn't want it to have to end but it was just one of those things where I felt like you know I there was nothing left that I could really do and things weren't changing or getting better so I just felt like okay well I'm just gonna leave and do me and focus on myself and you know like I don't want to just be stuck in a situation that isn't good for me that isn't making me happy so yeah I came down here in December then in June I turned 30 and being single for the first time in a very long time and living I mean like I've lived on my own before but never while I was single and never so far away this is the furthest away I've ever lived from my family and in a lot of ways it's been so amazing and felt has felt very empowering but it's hard and I feel like my mental health and my like emotional well-being and everything has like really just been a crazy roller coaster these last few months understandably and I don't regret my decision like I'm very happy to be here and I plan on still staying here you know continuing to just I don't know find my path I guess but when I moved down here I also decided to take a break from doing hair I was feeling burnt out though doing that and coming down here I wanted to just give myself a little bit of a break and fortunately I am able to support myself just on YouTube and social media stuff alone so I've just been kind of trying that out for now but it's been hard because you know on top of feeling very lonely and I have made friends down here luckily so that's good but it's not the same as having like you know your group of your core friends that you've known your whole life and your family so you know I have felt very lonely and as much as I love being able to just like work whenever I want and have the super flexible schedule and not have to get up at a certain time and be somewhere at a certain time it's like truly a blessing and you know I feel so lucky to be able to do this but I've always known that and I've always said that I'm the type of person that needs something to force me to get out of the house that forces me to be social and be around people and like get dressed up because I get stuck in a rut very easily and my anxiety will take over very easily and I think I've been doing a pretty good job for the most part considering all the change that I've gone through in the last few months and I've been going to therapy but I don't know I've just really been struggling because I'm at a point where I'm like I think a lot of people when they turn 30 they kind of like reevaluate like where they're at in life and I've never been the type of person that has felt like oh by a certain age I want to be married and I want to have kids and I want this kind of wedding and I want my house to look like this and like I never really pictured my future that specifically I just always was like more go with the flow it's like I just want to be happy and when the time feels right to do things I will do them and no pressure and I still don't even really think that I want kids so there's no rush or pressure from that luckily but still unlike shit I'm 30 and not that that's old by any means but I'm like it's just been making me think like okay well what am I doing with my life like I just I don't know and it's tough I don't want to say it's tough doing YouTube for a career it's obviously not it's like one of the best jobs you could possibly have it's amazing but I do struggle because like as much as I love creating content I sometimes I'm like what am I really doing you know and I know that I get a lot of like really good feedback and I know a lot of people tell me all the time that my videos help them in some kind of way help motivate you just like make your day better and I I really appreciate that but I just struggle I guess feeling like what is my purpose really truly and it's it's scary with YouTube because it's so inconsistent you just never know like what if the platform just like shuts down one day or what if people just decide they want to stop watching me or YouTube just kind of becomes obsolete or I run out of ideas for content and especially like now that I've just been vlogging and I'm not doing hair so I'm not sharing that kind of stuff I'm just blogging my everyday life and I'm like but what what even is my life like what do I even do on an everyday basis I feel like it just ends up getting very repetitive and there are times where like I really get stressed out and like okay well what like this just I love that I can do this I feel so fortunate but also I know that this is not something that's sustainable and not something that I can do or something that I'm gonna want to do forever I've just been kind of trying to figure out what what do I want to do like what's gonna be my next move so I've been thinking recently about maybe looking for a salon to work at and start doing hair again just part time everything also is still so up in the air as far as like do I want to stay in this area long term I like it so far but I mean who knows like what can happen in the next few months like I still I'm not a hundred percent sure if I want to renew my lease in December and stay here longer so it's like you know do I want to go through the whole process and the work of trying to rebuild my clientele if that I'm not even gonna stay here anyway and I was on Instagram yesterday and I actually saw that the stylist who did my hair color a few months ago posted that her salon was looking for a front desk girl for a part-time position and I was like oh my god that might actually be perfect because I loved that salon when I went there to get my hair done I really really liked it a lot and I feel like that might be a good way to ease back in get myself back in a salon back in that environment and then see like do I want to start taking clients of my own or not and I mean even if not it'll just be something that forces me get out of the house and a good way to meet more people make more friends potentially and just hopefully like find my purpose again and just start feeling good because when I did hair I felt like I had a purpose like I know that I'm good at it and I'm very confident in the work that I do and like the way that I communicate with people with clients and everything and I've just been feeling a lot of like self-doubt as well so I feel like being back in a salon even if I'm not taking clients right away will hopefully help me kind of get that back so yeah I reached out and I scheduled a time to go meet with the owner so I'm doing that next week now let's go take some thirst trap photos I'm just kidding we're not really taking thirst traps but just you know so I'm not sure where I want to take these pictures yet and what kind of background I'm gonna just like move around the apartment and see like what looks best what lighting I like best but I wanted to show you the app that I use it's this one right here it's called lens buddy it just allows you to have the self-timer on but it'll just keep taking multiple photos and you can adjust like how long the timer is for how many photos it takes so that way rather than having to keep going and pressing the button and sit there and wait for the timer to count down it'll just keep going and it gives you like a few seconds between each photo that it takes so that you can like be posing and have multiple options and it just makes it so much faster and easier when you're taking photos of yourself I took a whole bunch of pictures in a few different spots around my apartment and I got a few that came out good but this is my favorite and the one I'm gonna post right now and then I'm gonna do a little bit of cleaning my apartment definitely could use like a full deep cleaning but I'm still feeling kind of drained so I'm just gonna do a little bit just to kind of like you know start the process but I think it's important to remind yourself and like not beat yourself up too much if you're going through something and you're kind of in a funk like I don't know it just gets very overwhelming when you're like oh my god I have so much that I need to do I have so many errands I need to run the house is a mess there's so much cleaning I need to do there's so much work I need to get done I have so many emails that I need to respond to like it just it gets very very overwhelming so I try to just be gentle with myself and just like do a little bit at a time rather than like telling myself I need to do it all at once because I'm just gonna keep putting it off and keep putting it off and it's gonna be a much like more daunting task and like yeah I am feeling better now and I'm glad that I got out of the house and I worked out and I was able to do all of these things and I feel myself coming back you know but I'm still not a hundred percent there and I know I'm not going to be like it's not gonna just happen all of a sudden in one day it's gonna take time there's gonna be some days where I'm feeling better than other days so yeah I'm just trying to give myself grace when I have the energy to do something I'm gonna take advantage of that I think for now I'm just gonna do a little bit of laundry and load up the dishwasher at the end of the night I ended up being on the phone with my mom I literally just hung up with her we were talking for almost three hours now I'm taking my makeup off and doing my skincare I like you know when you're in a funk or going through a hard time I feel like even just these small simple things like washing your face at the end of the night you just don't do you like you just don't have the energy or the motivation to do it and I really haven't been taking care of my skin as well as I normally would I've been kind of like slowly over the last few days like trying to get back into my normal skincare routine and give my skin more tension and I forgot to show you guys but when I was at Ulta earlier I got more of the ordinary hyaluronic acid serum and then the organic cold pressed rose hip seed oil also from the ordinary so I'm going to use these I'm gonna do the hyaluronic acid first and then most of my skincare products are from the brand Cercadia which is more of like a medical grade professional only skincare line I mean you know how to be a professional to use it but you can only purchase it from a salon or spa that sells it or you have to be licensed in order to purchase it like directly from the company but that's what I've been using for like a year or two now so vitamin C serum then I'm gonna apply my night cream oh actually I'm supposed to put my eye cream first eye cream then rub in the right cream and then I'm gonna top it all off with some of that oil and my bed sheets just finished drying so I'm gonna go make my bed and then go to sleep that's gonna be it for this video thank you guys so much for spending the day with me and going through this whole glow-up routine I hope that it was helpful if you are going through anything kind of similar or just you know been feeling down or just feeling like you've been falling out of your routine and you're really good healthy habits just you know be easy on yourself and take care of yourself and I love you I appreciate you thank you so much for being here and I don't know when my next video will be oh that's everything that I forgot to mention my laptop screen is busted so I'm still able to like kind of minimize everything and like work on half of my screen it is difficult and makes everything take way longer to do eventually at some point I'm gonna have to send that out they don't have any Apple stores near me unfortunately so I'm gonna have to send it out to get repaired so I have no idea how long I'm gonna be without a computer for so don't know when my next video will be but hopefully it won't be too too long so I will see you guys soon ish bye