 Today in our program Terry Gar stay with us Detective Eddie Mons. He's a decent man compared to filth On a very special two-hour months detective Eddie Mons finds it's not easy leaving the past behind When that past raised his children while he chased after hookers And but that was amazing. I know I'm paying you to have sex with me But that time I really felt like you had feelings for me as a person Thank you. That's what part of my job is you thinking that Well be that as it may you're really good at it, and I've been with hundreds of prostitutes Are you gonna itemize me again this year on your taxes? You know it, baby Excuse me. I got to go to the you know Right back in a minute. I live here too Ed. I'm your wife. I did you forget Well, honey not to split hairs, but you are dead I know I was there when I got killed if I remember correctly. It was your fault honey. I've really got a pee When months as dead wife comes back to visit something stinks CB is Tuesdays Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman on our program today Terry guards one of our funniest shows You're ever gonna hear unfortunately what you're not gonna hear is something even funnier, and that is yours truly along with our male writers Attempting to act nonchalant around the beautiful brilliant and hysterical Terry Gar There is nothing more pathetic than seven grown men's voices all Cracking in unison Hi Miss Gar back after this He's not pretty and he uses too much cologne CB is Tuesdays on a very special two-hour months Eddie months gets two unexpected visitors and only one of them is alive Ed I need to ask you for a favor anything Margaret just hurry up and ask before my bladder explodes My brother clays in town and he needs a place to stay not your brother clay you know, I hate him I know Ed. That's why it's a favor if you liked him I wouldn't have to come back from the dead for this. Ah come on Margaret your brother always ends up costing me money He's nothing but a scam artist. He's not that bad He just needs time to get back on his feet. He lost his job He lost his job because he went to prison for embezzlement Ed. That was a misunderstanding Standing he had no idea that money was in his suitcase until he was already in Brazil. You're still sticking up for him Ed, I know you got a hooker in our bed How could you I'm sorry Margaret? I have needs would it make you feel better if I didn't pay her No, I don't want to pin breaking your hands in front of the children So it's subtle my brother can stay here. Yeah. Yeah. What can I say you came all the way from hell? Get the door Ed. There's nobody at the door. Oh God, no, it's three in the morning Hey, Ed. You son of a bitch. I really appreciate this Hello clay. You want to play a card game? Yeah, check this out. Keep your eye on the ace. Everyone wins. Everybody wins Okay, but just this once Is Eddie's brother-in-law playing with a full deck months two full hours you won't get back Donald Trump is scheduled to host a GOP presidential debate later this month But all the major candidates are refusing to appear saying they have no interest in Facing a reality host or for that matter facing reality this week Herman Cain suspended his run for the presidency not the first time Herman Cain has abandoned his race Who would have ever imagined that a black Republican would have turned out to be a complete and utter it I mean, what were the odds? If I said it once I'll say it a million times the only thing dumber than a black Hispanic gay Jewish or female Republican is Rick Perry Rick Perry's head is filled with so much rock. I can't believe his father never spray-painted the n-word over it This week Rick Perry ran a series of ads attacking President Obama's decision to allow gays in the military, which is odd Considering had America never allowed gays in the military Rick Perry would have never been able to serve in the Air Force We all know about your male chef governor Perry Republican front-runner Newt Gingrich is now suggesting that Congress repeal our child labor laws So students can work as janitors in their schools Because the only reason our math and science test scores are the lowest in the industrialized world is American kids never learn the proper ratio of mop water to liquid fibris Speaker of the house John Boehner says he wants to extend the payroll tax cut But hasn't yet figured out how to do it. Okay. Let me help you out there mr. Speaker The way you extend the payroll tax cut now I write this down Okay, the way you extend the payroll tax cut is you vote yes, okay? You vote yes Boehner says he'd find a way to extend the payroll tax cut if President Obama would approve an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to Texas Boehner says the oil pipeline is a job creator because it's shovel ready. You know what else was shovel ready the BP oil spill Can anything get done these days in Washington Frank Conniff reports with Congress once again Unable to reach a deal on the budget ceiling Americans are expressing disgust in record numbers for Washington That's why I'm pleased to introduce America's leading champion for compromise RW Wagner president of the bipartisan agenda for a new American Century welcome Nice to meet you halfway excuse me That's what our lobbying organization is all about reaching across the aisle and meeting the other side smacked dab in the middle You seem out of breath. That's because I took the elevator to the 10th floor And then walk the extra 10 flights to your studio up here on the 20th. That's pretty much how I live my day doing things halfway No choking for air. I'm a smoker half-pack a day actually three half-packs a day. I also have half a lung It's the price one pays when you've devoted half your adult life to compromise What's the other half of your life been devoted to not compromising? So you'll even compromise when it comes to compromise always well half the time I guess what I'm saying is we all need to be flexible. I want to see me touch my toes Not right now good because I just had a steak and grilled onion sandwich could get messy this week President Obama Would you like the rest of my sandwich? I only ate half. I'm good. I'm good, too. Not great. Not bad Just good give us an example of how your organization Bipartisan agenda for a new American Century might address the paralysis in Washington. Okay, take the budget deficit, please Excuse me. I'm sorry. It's an old joke. Take my wife, please But my wife is dead. Oh dear. I had no idea Drowning accident we had been partying well into the evening on our boat and she somehow fallen overboard I am so so sorry and while she was screaming for help you threw her half a rope that Christopher Walken really knows how to keep a secret. I'm Frank Conniff My guest has been RW Wagner President of the bipartisan agenda for a new American Century Frank. Do you like to sail? I I hate the water. Thanks for being here. It's been good Not great. Not bad. Just good Hello and welcome to Jeremy Kramer's Hollywood. I'm Jeremy Kramer and I love Hollywood by which I mean show business Unfortunately, some other guy named Jeremy Kramer has a show called Jeremy Kramer show business. Sorry My guest today is a fabulous Terry Gar. Terry. Welcome. Thank you, Jeremy. It's a pleasure to be here You had such an amazing career I I don't know where to begin. Was it difficult for you to make the transition from animation to directing feature films? I'm sorry. How about some funny stories from the set of Brazil? Oh, you might be thinking of Terry Gilliam from Monty Python. Oh, sorry. Don't worry about it. My mistake That's so embarrassing. I feel like a real dunce. You played Prince Herbert in Holy Grail. No, you're thinking of Terry Jones I'm a cute blonde Terry. Oh the cute blonde Terry, of course What's it like doing those NFL commentaries on Fox? Again, that's a different Terry. That's Terry Bradshaw. Oh, sorry How long have you hosted fresh air? That's Terry Gross. Oh Sorry, are you getting nostalgic now that Desperate Housewives is going off the air? That's Terry Hatcher Oh, sorry. Are you proud of how many bathrooms have been made out of you? That's Terry cloth. Oh, sorry. Have you ever... This is insane. My name is Terry Gar, okay? Gar, Terry Gar Gar. Yes. Sorry. Fine. Bizarre, but fine. Do you have any questions for me Terry Gar? Yes, I do. Okay, then fire away. Have you ever met any other cats who hate Mondays and love lasagna as much as you do? That's Garfield, you asshole! This concludes my interview with Art Garfunkel. Coming up next on Jeremy Kramer's Hollywood I sit down with his old partner Paul Simon. For the last time, damn it. I'm Paul Dooley. Sorry Tuesday at 10 on a very special two-hour months. Will Munson's brother-in-law cost him everything What is it Clay? I'm in the middle of a stakeout. Ed, could you loan me a thousand dollars? What do you need a thousand dollars for? Are you kidding? Everybody could use a thousand dollars. Look Clay, you and I both know you're a scam artist. Ed, just because I'm a scam artist doesn't mean I don't need your money. I work for a living, Clay. Every day I go out into this stinking city and earn my pay to feed my family. Aren't I your family, Ed? You're a smart man, Clay. You should use your brains to help society instead of leaching off of it. You're right, Ed. Look, I'll be honest with you. I really need fifty thousand dollars. So why did you ask me for a thousand? I was gonna ask you forty-nine more times, but I only need it until Thursday. Then you'll get all of it back with interest. I'm working on something that's worth millions. It can't lose. This isn't one of your Ponzi schemes, is it? Now that you mentioned it, yes, it is one of my Ponzi schemes. But I'm letting you in on the ground floor. Ground floor? Okay, just this once. Detective Eddie Munn's. He's just your average cop in a below-average world. Coming up, Kelsey Grammer stops by for this week's edition of Fox News Playhouse. But first, our exclusive interview with Herman Cain. Welcome to Politics and More Politics. I'm Sandy Perlman and our guest today is Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, you just announced that you're suspending your campaign. That's correct. Does that mean that you're dropping out of the race? Not at all, and I'd prefer you didn't mention race. No, by race I meant... I know what you meant. You meant to denigrate my campaign. I'm not dropping out. I'm not quitting. I'm rethinking, rekindling, recalibrating. Fair enough. Now about the woman who just came forward. She very forward. Revealing a thirteen-year affair. Never happened. I knew the woman. We were friends, that's all. But you gave her money. A friend can give a friend money. So there was no intimacy involved? Never. So she was lying? Yeah, she may be lying, but not with me. All right. You've got so many gaffes. It seems... What gaffes? You said if you don't have a job. It's your fault, that's right. And if you can't pay your mortgage, it's your fault. And what if your house is hit by an earthquake? That's the San Andreas' fault. What? That's a joke. If you get elected, that would be a joke. What? Nothing. Thank you, Mr. Cain. I guess we'll be seeing you in New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Yeah, you know New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Oh, that's a tough one. It's all... I know that I think it's in the U.S. pretty sure of that. Oh, kind of. New Hampshire. New Hampshire, New Hampshire. It's whirling around in my brain now, as we speak. New Hampshire. Well, you got me. Tuesday at 10. And a very special two-hour months. Will Munser's brother-in-law cost him everything? If you are my dead wife's brother, don't you have any conscience at all? You're in town a week and you've ripped off every one of my precincts. I didn't rip anyone off. I talked them into giving me their life savings in exchange for shares of my new corporation. But you don't have a corporation. Of course not. I couldn't afford one until those cops gave me all the money. Why am I the only one who can see past your smooth, charm and confident reassuring manner? Don't be so high and mighty yet. We all have something to hide, something buried away somewhere in the backyard, maybe. What's that supposed to mean? You don't have any trouble shaving in the morning, do you, Ed? Well, sometimes I can't get my sideburns even. But generally, no, I don't. I mean, you can look at yourself in the mirror, right, Ed? What are you getting at, Clay? Take a good look, Ed. I'm your mirror. No, you're not. You can't fool me. My mirror has bloodshot eyes and spider veins. Tuesday at ten, on a very special two-hour months, Detective Eddie Muntz finds there's a thin line between evil and evil-er. Welcome to Fox News Playhouse. I'm your host, executive producer and star, Kelsey Grammer. On this week's program, I will portray Herman Cain in Too Black, Too Strong, So Long, the Saga of Herman Cain. Mrs. Gloria Cain will be ably portrayed by Greta Van Susteren. Our show opens in stately Cain manner, where Herman's wife, Gloria, worriedly awaits for her man, Herman. Let's pop in and see what's going on with Gloria Cain. Herman, is that you? Yes, my precious lamb. It is I, Herman Foster Cain. Oh, Herman, I've asked you not to bring your heavenly choir home with you. What a swell bunch of joes, but if I might press the point slightly, your brow seems a tad furrowed. Oh, Herman, I can't hide anything from your perceptive brilliance. My keen insight into the human condition is both a blessing and a curse. And your generosity is a byword. Two true bookings. Now, what mountains can I move? What oceans can I drain in order to assist you, my life's companion? Huh? What can I do to help? Oh, one of your employees, Karen Khrushire, called me today and told me that she's broke, busted, bankrupt, on her uppers, hitting the skids, on her bottom dollar, destitute, strapped, insolvent, indigent, and imbecunious. I hope you promptly wrote her a check for a goodly amount. Oh, no, she's too proud to accept charity. Ah, noble woman. If only there were some way I could help. You can, Herman. I want you to sexually harass her. Heaven forfend. No. I would never perform such a vile deed. But this way she can sue you and get $35,000 for the National Restaurant Association. I don't know. It's easy. Just put your hand in her crotch and ask her if she'd like to keep her job. Well, if you think it will work. Oh, Herman, you are a saint. Oh, you guys. Act two begins several years later. Herman Cain is now poised to win the Republican nomination and defeat the Kenyan pretender, Barack Obama, and thus become the first black president of the United States. Unless you take seriously those rumors about Warren G. Harding, which I don't. Let us prepare to Cain campaign headquarters in Atlanta. Gloria, what a surprise. What are you doing in my campaign offices? Herman, we need to talk. Well, I did have several appointments scheduled at various barns and nobles across the city to autograph my latest motivational book, Yes, I Cain. But perhaps I can postpone said engagements for the moment. Thank you, Herman. Here, step into my tasteful, well-appointed office and let me take off my deputy dog, cowboy hat. Now, what do you desire? Well, our dear friend Ginger White is in trouble. You do know Ginger White, don't you? Poor creature. What woes have befallen her? Turns out that she's in desperate need of a book deal. And the publisher says she'll have to admit that you gave her cash and presents over the years. Those grub street jackals. Herman. All right, I will do it. Thank you. Gloria, it means the end of my dream to pretend to run for president in order to sell books. But I will do it. Oh, you guys. Thank you, Herman. Thank you for tuning in to Fox News Playhouse. Please tune in next week when I portray Newt Gingrich in our presentation of orphans of the janitorial closet. This is Kelsey Grammer speaking. Do you, the modern Hollywood Buddhist, get tired of dragging around your needy and attention-starved toddlers while trying to shop for your gold-plated Buddha statues and new-age chachkies? Well, do you? Answer me, you unenlightened prick. Hi, I'm Enlightened Al of Enlightened Al's Buddha Hut. We've opened a brand new Buddhist petting zoo, complete with genuine live ****ing llamas, not those shabby ****ing South American llamas that spit in your eye or bite you in the ass when your back is turned. And for a small fee in the enlightenment donation box, your children can be sent loose in the petting zoo to pet and feed the animals while you, the discerning Buddhist consumer, can shop in perfect serenity for all your enlightenment needs. Come on down to Enlightened Al's Buddha Hut. Now, what are you waiting for, you goddamn mother ****? An engraved invite from Shiva himself in Enlightened Al's. Still, only five minutes from Psy's discount Bible warehouse. Our entertainment editor, Fred Stoller, scours the world of theater and the theater scours him right back. He files this report. I am very excited to have with me in the studio noted by Michel Limiaz. Mr. Limiaz traveling the U.S. now with his tremendously successful show, Laughter Under Glass. Mr. Limiaz, thank you so much for being here. It is a great, great pleasure to be here. Now you are a mime, is that correct? Indeed, I am a mime in the classical tradition. I wear the white face and the black leotard and my body is my only instrument. Wonderful. We very much want to listen to get excited about what it is you do, sir, to encourage them to come see your show down at the Civic Auditorium this weekend. And I was wondering if you could just give us a little taste of what it is that you do. I seem to be in a box. I seem to be trapped in a box. Here, let me find where all the edges and corners are. And then, hmm, how will I get out? Oh no, the box is getting smaller. This is one of your pantomime routines. Sort of, yes. Fascinating. You know, this might not be the best medium for my class. No, no, no, no. That was terrific. Let's just, why don't we just play a clip we have from your performance last week in Chicago. Do you want to set this up? I don't. Here, from his performance at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago, is Michelle Limia and her show Laugh the Underglass. That sounds just fabulous. Can you tell us what was going on there? I was either, well, there's a pot where it is very windy, and I have to move to the side of the stage, but the wind is very strong. It might have been that. And is that before or after the incident with the box? It might not have been that, though. I also, it might have been the dog walking piece. People love dogs. I love dogs. So there's a dog in the show? No, it's imaginary. Oh. Have you ever seen Batman? I might have been thinking of something else. Ah, well. Tuesday at 10, when Munce's crooked brother-in-law starts dealing the cards, Munce smells a rat. Rudy, I can't take another day of my goddamn brother-in-law. I'm afraid the phone's gonna ring and it's gonna cost me a fortune. That guy is a lot of fun. How can you say that? He took $4,500 from you last night in a poker game. I know. Why can't you be fun like him? This never would have happened if my dead wife hadn't caught me with the hooker. That's still better than being caught with a dead hooker. Hello? Ed, I'm just kidnapped me. I've ripped off their drug money. I need half a million dollars by tonight. Are they gonna nail me to a billboard? Which one? They haven't decided yet. Maybe the one by the expressway. Ed, you're the only one who can help me. Don't you have money? Ed, I need that money from my startup company. Goodbye, Clay. What's going on? Clay's being held hostage by mobsters. He needs half a million dollars. You have that much buried in your backyard. Ixnay, unni, unni, mei, in my ackyard bay. Oh, right. That's your shakedown money. Not in the office. He's not getting that money. I earn that shakedown money, honestly. Hey, I don't blame you, pal. I'd help you out, but Clay won my life savings playing suspicious card games. I'll see you later, Rudy. I need some air. Where you going? I'm going to park near the expressway billboard. I don't want to throw his stuff away until I'm sure he's dead. Hey, everybody. Munz is going to let his brother-in-law be killed by mobsters. Guys, who cares about your brother-in-law? Detective Eddie Munz. He's a decent man compared to filth. Tuesday, 10. Today's show featured Terry Gar, Paul Dooley, Paul F. Tompkins, Fred Stoller, Eddie Pepitone, Janie Haddad Tompkins, Mark Thompson, Frank Conniff, Jeremy Kramer, Ben Zelivansky, and Chris Pina. Our show is written by Steve Rosenfield, Guy Nicolucci, Ben Zelivansky, Paul Dooley, Frank Conniff, Dylan Brody, Eddie Pepitone, and Karen Simmons. We are mixed and engineered by Alex Steen, edited by Darren Ayres, and our production assistant is Alicia Cordova. Our executive producer is Troy Conrad. Special thanks to Matt Perez, Ali, Lexa, Alan Minsky, and Jimmy Dore. If you would like to hear a rebroadcast of our program along with additional materials, please go to David Feldman, comedy.com. And while you're over there, join our mailing list. Also, please friend me on Facebook. From the KPFK studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman. Thank you for listening. Months. He's not pretty, and he uses too much cologne. CBS Tuesdays.