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Modern Starfleet Officer

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Published on Aug 20, 2006

A karaoke filk song that I did one night.

Since so many of you wanted the lyrics, here they are. I can't recall who wrote this filk and it was not listed on the site where I found the lyrics.

I Am The Very Model Of The Modern Starfleet Officer
(Qevan)

Tune: I Am The Very Model Of The Modern Major-General
(Gilbert & Sullivan)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer;
A-warping here, a-warping there, a warrior philosopher.
I talk more technobabble than the evil bad guy enemy
And break the laws of nature like Sir Newton's Laws and entropy.
I'm very well aquainted too with matters astronomical
And knowing all the races both the war-like and the logical.
I comb the interplanetary net for all the latest news
Of Romulans, Cardassians and pirates out by Betelgeuse

I never cheat at 3-D Chess or Poker or Parisi Squares
And many times I nix the turbo-lift and use the Jeffreys' stairs.
I do my best to please my Captain and to show my faith in her
For I'm the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.

I study mythic history; The Federation's and Starfleet's
I sing the songs of Kahless and I know of Hercules' feats
I write in Vulcan hieroglyphs philosophies taught by Surak
I know the crimes of Colonel Green, Kahn Noonian Singh and Beeblebrox.
With just a glance I guess the dance of green Orion slaver's girls
I know the history and culture of a thousand other worlds
And I can quote the Captains and the Officers and know the size
Of every Starship that has had the mythic name of "Enterprise"

I speak in fluent Horta and I know the war-signs of the Gorn
I know how every body looks both in and out of uniform
And in my Captain's ready-room I have a tête-à-tête with her
For I'm the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.

I find a busty babe on every planet, moon or docking port.
Their noses all look funny but the nose ain't what I'm looking for.
I make a scan and then tricorders find a quantum flux in space.
I have to fix this flux or else it's history for the human race.
A particle acclerator's really good at fixing these.
But if your particle is rare and not in nature normally
A Holodeck/Transporter fix will always help with these because
The Holo/Porter/Replicators breaks all known existing laws.

I will help in Engineering and at times I gladly take the helm.
I play at doctor when the Holodoc is not so holo-well.
I do my best to please my Captain and to show my faith in her
For I'm the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.

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