 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Philharus Alice Fay show. The all-enjoyment here is the Philharus Alice Fay show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Rose, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Years ago it used to be pretty difficult for some folks to carry a tune, but nowadays it's easier than ever to carry a tune. Yes, thanks to RCA Victor, everybody can carry a tune and enjoy good music wherever they go, when they take along the pick of the portables, the Super Personal. It's as small as an average-sized book and as light as a lady's handbag. But don't let its dainty looks fool you. The Super Personal Radio is a powerful baby with big room-sized volume, and it also has important exclusive RCA Victor features. There's the battery lifesaver switch that can increase battery life up to 30%. Another feature is the fact that the Super Personal can play up to 10 times longer without battery change than previous personal models. But find this out for yourself. Tomorrow see and hear the RCA Victor Super Personal portable. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Fay and Philharus. Ladies and gentlemen, the world premiere of the Wayne Fellows motion picture, The High and the Mighty, directed by William Wellman, was one of the major events in Hollywood this week. Of course you know that one of the important roles in this picture was played by Philharus. But what the public doesn't know is that in order to get that coveted role, Phil went through a great deal of trouble. And not just ordinary trouble. He wound up in the superior court of the city of Los Angeles. Order in the court. Mr. Harris, you are charged with inflicting bodily harm on your theatrical agent. Is this not true? I object. Elliot. Curly. I'm acting as your attorney. But why do you keep saying I object? The only other legal phrase I know is point of order and it's been overdone lately. Your honor, I asked you to look into the face of Mr. Harris. Does he look like the kind of a man who would do bodily harm to another man if he was his normal self? I say to you, your honor, he couldn't do it even if he wasn't his normal self. I mean, if he was well intoxicated. But I ask you, your honor, does he look like the kind of a man who could become intoxicated? Well, no. As a judge of the circuit court, I would say no. This guy ain't been around the whole circuit. Look, your honor, I'll admit that I did inflict bodily harm on my agent, but I claim that I was justified. Look, it all began quite a while ago when I decided to quit the music business and become a moving picture actor. I was at home telling my wife Alice about my decision. Phil, I can understand you're wanting to be a movie actor. But why do you want to be in this one particular picture, the high and the mighty? Well, Alice, I heard that the book is a best-seller and somebody told me that there's a part in there that would be just great for me. Oh, honey, you're always taking somebody's word for everything. You ought to read some of these books before you get excited about there being a part in them for you. What do you mean by that? Well, when they were making Quo Vadis, you went rushing out to the studio and demanded to play the part of Quo. Well, how did I know that Quo was a girl? But I didn't want that part anyway. The part that I really went after was the leading man in Bleach Head. The name of the picture was Beach Head. I found that out and I'm stuck with two cases of proxies. Well, I ain't really stuck with them, but it makes the foamiest martini I've ever taken. Honey, the point I'm trying to make with you is this. It's the only sensible way to do it. Hi. Oh, hi, Elliott. Hey, Curly, I was pretty thoughtful of you putting that birdhouse out there on that post. Yeah, I built that little beauty myself. Pretty good carpenter work, eh, Elliott? Oh, yeah. But it's a little different from any other birdhouse I ever seen. It hasn't got any door in it. How come? It's for woodpeckers. Let them peck their own. Such as, spoil them. Look, in this life, Elliott, if you want something, you've got to go after it. And that's just the way I'm going to be with my picture career. How do you mean? Any man that ever wanted anything worthwhile got it by himself. Look at Chrysler. He wanted the big building, so he built the Chrysler building. And General Sarnoff, the chairman of RCA. He wanted to do something big, so he built Radio City. And how about the Bank of America? I don't know. Have you made any changes lately, Alice? Pretty funny, huh, girlie? No. No. It was not funny. Wow. Fill my Jack Webb police whistle with peanut butter. You're going to be so sensitive, I'll talk to Alice. What's this business with him about a movie career? Oh, it's the same thing, Elliott. Phil just isn't going to be happy until he gets the parties after and the high and the mighty. In fact, he's wondering why they haven't asked him already. That's right. That's right. Because they can't get nobody to do that part better than me. Especially now that I've been studying dramatic art at the Stanislavsky School of Multidimensional Historionics. How long have you been studying there? Ever since I learned to pronounce it. Just what is the Stanislavsky School of Acting? Well, it's a Hungarian method. Hungarian? Yeah, Alice, when you were in pictures, I don't think they had invented it yet. In fact, when you were in pictures, I don't think they had invented Hungarian yet. It wasn't so awfully long ago that I was in movies. Honey, all I know is, is when I went to see one of your pictures, I didn't need 3D glasses. All I had to do was put in a penny, look through a slot, and turn the handle. That was pretty bad. And just for that, I'm going to let you work out your acting lessons by yourself. That's okay. She'll get over it. Anyway, she's only been helping me by acting as my audience. And you can do that yourself, Elliot. You can be the audience. You see, this Stanislavsky School of Drama is different. He goes in... Hi, Julius. Put down the groceries. Don't make any noise. Curly was just telling me about a system of acting he's been studying. He's going to be a moving picture actor. Just think, pretty soon you'll be able to go into a movie and see Mr. Harris on the screen. You may not realize my vast picture possibilities, but Hollywood producers will. I'm going to give director William Wellman a chance to crowd all of my powerful and dynamic personality into one picture. What bigger thrill could anybody ask for? I don't know about the other people, but I've always dreamed of dying. Look, kid, why don't you take a long walk on a short pier? The secret of this Stanislavsky Dramatic School is that you convince yourself that you actually are the character that you're playing. You see, it's a matter of intense concentration. I don't get it. Elliot, it's simple. Now, if you tell yourself over and over that you're somebody else, you finally convince yourself that you are that person or thing. Thing? Yes. You see, Stanislavsky even went so far as to convince a whole audience that he was a piece of wallpaper. Of course, he was what they called in those days, a dilly-talk. Nowadays, we call them drugs. Look, kid, will you keep out of this? Now, look, having an open mind, I can understand how Stanislavsky did this. But I can do it myself. Look, sit down right there. Just sit down there. Now, look, when I've reached a place where I have convinced you, tell me, huh? All right, girl, you go ahead. I am wallpaper. I'm beautiful, colorful wallpaper. I am covered with pink magnolias against a light blue background. I make the whole room cheerful and bright because I am such beautiful wallpaper. Are you convinced? Not yet. Okay, listen. I am wallpaper. I can remember when the house was being built and I was still rolled up in a roll. I was laying on the floor while the walls were getting plastered. How come you let the walls get a head start? All right. Every honeybee fills with jealousy when they see you out with me. I don't blame a goodness, no. Honey, suckle roll. When you're passing by, flowers droop inside. And I know the reason why you're much sweeter, goodness, no. Honey, suckle roll by sugar. You just have to touch my cuff. You're my sugar. It's sweet when you stir it up. When I'm taking tips from your tasty lips seems the honey fairly drips. Your confection, goodness, no. Honey, suckle roll. You have to touch my cuff. You're my confection, goodness, no. Honey, suckle roll. The whole thing started with my ambition to get a part in the picture, the high and the mighty. Yes, I see, Mr. Harrison. It's all very interesting. But the charge you are facing is that you inflicted bodily harm on your agent. Can you shed some light on that? Well, yes, Judge, I'm coming to that. You see, at the time, well, I didn't even have an agent. My client is right, Judge. That's right. You see, I didn't figure with a big talent like mine that I needed an agent. Judge, I mean, does Bob Hope need an agent? Does Sid Caesar need an agent? Does, does, does... Milton Burl? What's your language? Now, Mr. Harris, will you just tell the court why you attacked your theatrical agent without apparent motive? Judge, I keep trying to tell you that I did. I did have a motive. This agent I hired, he brought it all on himself. I picked his name out of the phone book. I chose him because his name was Honest Fred Fogarty. It's for you, Honest. It's your mother. Well, hello, Mother. I was my little old gray-haired mother today. What? Didn't like the last book that I got for you? What do you mean? Well, they did? They did? Well, I told you not to do that kind of a dance at the police show. Well, how many times do I have to inform you that when you do a balloon dance, you are required to blow up the balloon. Well, if you do a balloon dance, you are required to blow up the balloon face. Well, we'll give you the other phone calls, Ms. Twitchell. Like from a new client, maybe? A new client? Are you kidding? You ain't had nobody to represent and show business since Sam Phenomenon has trained Shetland Pony. Yeah. It's a great act. It's too bad they ain't around no more. Poor Sam. You didn't get him a booking for so long he starved to death. Well, we're still eating, ain't we? Do you have another sandwich, Ms. Twitchell? Combination? Lettuce, tomato, and Shetland Pony? We don't get a client pretty soon. We're gonna be in deep trouble. Ms. Twitchell, an ordinary client will not tell you the trick because I need a client who won't know whether I'm taking him for 10% of his loot or 50% of it. What I need, Ms. Twitchell, is a beautiful pigeon. Well, you can ring out in the bells and sing out good cheer because the agent's dream, Phil Harris, is here. He asks for a pigeon and I get a singing mud hat. Hey, my name is Phil Harris. This is my sidekick, Elliot Lewis, and I'm looking for an agent to handle me. Then you came to the right place, chum, because I don't mind saying what all do, humility, that I am probably the best agent in Hollywood because I made, for instance, Marlon Brando a star. I put Gable right on top. I made Jackie Gleason a big name in television, and then there was Superman. Superman? What'd you do for him? Gentlemen, when Superman came with me, he couldn't fly from here to the corner. Well, I'll tell you what I want, Mr. Fogarty. William Wellman is making a picture called The High and the Mighty. Now, there's a certain part in there that I feel fast, not so fast, because in order to make a saleable commodity out of you, it will be necessary to build you up with little publicity, understand? Now, if you will do exactly as I say, I will have your name on a front page of every newspaper in the whole... Well, Mr. Harris, did your agent get your name in all the newspapers? That he did, Your Honor, that he did. But he made me put on a pair of leopard skin trunks and swim to Catalina Island. Well, Mr. Harris, for publicity, many actors have tried to swim to Catalina. From Flagstaff, Arizona? Curly, tell him about the other things that agent done to you. Oh, I haven't got time. Judge, it was just one thing after another. One thing after another, the guy was driving me nuts, taking all of my money and doing nothing for me. I went into Fogarty's office one day and I said, Now, listen to me, Fogarty. You are just the guy I want to see, Harris. You have a tendency not to cooperate. Now, I think I can get you into a picture, but you've got to do what I say, and this time it is very simple, because all I want you to do is dig yourself a hole under the Malibu Pier and live in it for two months. I want you to develop warts. Warts? Yeah, I'm going to get you in a picture called the son of the frog man. Mr. Fogarty, when I came here, I told you I only wanted you to get me into one picture, the high and the mighty. Now, you, Mr. Harris, Mr. Harris, this may come as a surprise to you, but Mr. Wellman, he don't just hire people off the street, you know. You've got to have an end. Yeah, Curly, it's so far, he only got warts. All right. Another thing, Harris, about them clothes that you all wear. Now, how can I present you to a directed dress like that? Now, that's right, Mr. Harris. It'll be $973 for the complete outfit. And may I say, Mr. Harris, in those clothes, you're wearing one of the most distinctive ensembles you've created for an actor in a long time. Good day, gentlemen. Yeah. Yeah, so long. You know something, Elliot? What's that? Ain't no two ways about it. If you wear custom-made clothes, it pays off. Look, everybody on the street's turning around and looking at me. Hey, look across the street there. See, at sightseeing busts, they just stop there looking at me, too. That suit sure attracts attention. What kind of material is that? Tin foil. Hey, but, Curly, how about that price? $973. Yeah, but I guess all the rest of them stars pay that much for their clothes. Uh-uh. No, Curly, you've got to take it. I heard the salesman tell the manager that your agent gets half of the money for sending you there. He gets ha- Why that cheap crook? I'm gonna tell him off right now. Come on. Yeah, well, I'm glad you're still here for me. Glad you dropped in, Harris. I think your troubles are over. Look, let me ask you one question now. You mean that you talked to William Wellman about putting me in that picture? No, look, Harris, I told you that Wellman, he just don't hire guys off the street, Janice, to him. But don't think that I've been goofing because you know where the Los Angeles Ambassador Hotel is? Oh, sure. Well, it was a lot of trouble, but I get you an appointment there in a half hour. With Wellman? No, with his barber. His barber? Yeah, yeah. How do you think that Rory Calhoun, Rock Hudson, Jeff Chandler, how do you think they were this coming? William Wellman picked them out of the barbed chair next to them. Yeah. Hey, that's pretty good, huh? Yeah. Hey, come on, Elliot. If we hurry, we can get to the Ambassador Hotel in 15 minutes. Come on. Hey, Curly, are you sure this is the way to the barbershop? Sure. The bell captain said it was right between the orchid room and the rhinestone room. Hey, looks like it might be pretty expensive in there, but, lucky, all I'm going to get is a haircut anyway. Come on, let's go in there. Hey. This is really a plush joint. Hey, Elliot, sit down and read the magazine. All right. I see an empty chair over here. I'll just sit down there. Oh, no, you don't. Get your clammy little hands off that. But I just want to sit down. No one sits in that chair. Don't you see the black velvet rope we've erected around it? And that bronze plate that says in memoriam. You mean? Yes. That's where Jack Benny's hair passed away. Oh, what a dark day that was in the history of this barbershop. I was there at the end when the last pathetic little curl tealed over. Mr. Benny's very last curl? Yes. I was one of the paulberries. We laid it to rest in a shinola can out in back of the barbershop. And four boot blacks saying, please don't talk about me when I'm gone. Mr. I had an appointment for a haircut here. My, uh, my name is Harris. Oh, yes. Mr. Fogarty vouch for you. Now I'll just put this cloth around your neck. There. And of course, you'll want a manicure. Well, uh, yes. A manicure here in chair number four. 10 manicures. Naturally, one for each finger. Now will you get on with the haircut, please? Your honor, it cost me a small fortune to get out of that barbershop, and Mr. Wellman never showed up. I'll tell you, judge, this agent Fogarty really gave me the words. He cost me play. You know what he did one day when I wasn't home? He took a saw and sawed my brand new sports car right down the middle and sold it for two motorcycles. Then, judge, you know what else he did? Then I caught him forging his name to my wife's unemployment checks. Yeah, that's Curly's job. Keep out of this, would you? That isn't all Fogarty did to me, judge. He took a picture of me and my leopard skin trunks and sold them for Marilyn Monroe calendars. It was very embarrassing. I bought one of them myself. And judge, do you know how I finally got the job on the high and the mighty? I got it. Do you know how I got it? I was walking down the street and Mr. Wellman saw me and said, that's the guy I want and hired me. Well, be that as it may, Mr. Harris. The fact remains that you punched your agent in the nose. And I will have to find you $50. Oh, by the way, isn't your agent in court today? Your Honor, he told me that in his opinion, your circuit court was pretty crummy. Oh, the fine will be $25. He also said they had better judges on jukebox jewelry. He did, eh? The fine will be $10. Oh, gee, well, you're wonderful. Thank you. Thank you, Judge. You know something, Judge? At that price, I think I'll go back and punch him in the nose again. You know what, Mr. Harris? I think I'll get my powdered wig and go with you. Back in just a moment. It's the last of the ninth. The bases are loaded. There are two outs. And here comes the all-important pitch. Hearing or reading about a home run is pretty exciting. But it's not nearly as thrilling as actually seeing the home run happen. Yes, you miss a lot of fun when you don't get to the ballpark. But if you can't get to the game, the next best thing is to see it on RCA Victor Television. The new Master 21 gives you a box-seat view of every play. Brilliant razor-sharp pictures let you follow the ball with a Hawkeye attention of an umpire. The player's faces, their swift actions, everything is captured in clear, lifelike detail. Yes, the most wanted and highest-rated picture in 21-inch television can be yours for as little as $199.95. Imagine $199.95 for such famous RCA Victor advances as the Magic Monitor, Rotomatic Tuning, and Golden Throat Fidelity Sound. And remember, for only RCA Victor Television owners, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas. You know something, Alice? I think it was awfully nice of RCA Victor to let me mention the picture High and the Mighty so often on our program tonight. Yes, it certainly was, Phil. It worked out pretty good too, Alice, because you know the producers of the High and the Mighty, both John Wayne and Bob Fellows, have just bought the new RCA Master 21 television set. And look, folks, why don't you go out tomorrow and buy one of our RCA Victor products? I'm sure you'll love them. You'll not only be doing yourself a favor, but look, I got two little girls, and them play shoes are awfully expensive. Thanks. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Sandra Gould, Sheldon Leonard, Peter Leeds, Bill Johnstone, and Frank Nelson. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. The Best in Jazz comes your way on RCA Victor Record. That's Topsy. It's played by the new jazz master, Shorty Rogers. Shorty's new RCA Victor album brings you 12 great arrangements. Most of them are originally written by the Dean of Jazz, Count Basie. Listen to RCA Victor's great jazz album, Shorty Rogers' Courts to Count, at your dealers now. NBC Radio Network Presidency. Here's John Cameron Swayze and the news tonight on the NBC Radio Network.