 Remly, I'm gonna open the show the same way we did last week with a commercial. Oh, wait a minute, Curly. Just because you got by with it last week, don't press your luck. You know Mr. Scott of RCA Victor doesn't want our names connected with their products. Well, we didn't get any kickbacks from him last week. Only because he's on his vacation and didn't hear it. Then we're gonna slip another one in. I just want to remind the people, Remly, that before they buy, they should look at the background of RCA Victor. What it stands for? Remly, you know that they're bound to have the best... All right, Curly. You don't have to tell me. Tell the people. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. On with the show, Bill Foreman. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Here's a word from RCA Victor. Why do more people choose RCA Victor television than any other make? The reason can be summed up in just one word. Quality. Million-proof quality. Proven in over two million homes. RCA Victor television is America's favorite television because feature for feature, it's America's finest television. With RCA Victor, for example, you enjoy clear, bright, steady pictures that are locked in place by RCA Victor's exclusive eye-witness picture synchronizer. You choose your set from 14 separate models, every one a masterpiece of superb engineering and quality craftsmanship. Next chance you get, step into your RCA Victor dealers and look over the very finest television in America today. At the same time, add these two great RCA Victor Red Seal performances to your record collection. September song, sung by Itzio Pinza, and the album of selections from Gershwin's Porgy and Bess with Risa Stevens and Robert Marrow. Phil has a recording contract with RCA Victor records that calls for him to make a new record every month. However, for the past two months, the company hasn't asked him to make any new records. Phil, Alice, and Frankie have gone down to see the vice president of Victor to find out why. What do you mean I got a lousy voice? I didn't say that, Harris. Well, somebody in this room said it. That was me, curling. Remly, keep quiet. This is my business, and I'll thank you to keep your corkscrew nose out of it. I was just trying to help. Trying to help. Well, you were all puzzled about why your records haven't been selling lately and I was the only one who came up with an intelligent answer. Phil's records have been selling, haven't they, Mr. McDevitt? Oh, yes, yes. On his last record alone, the company stands to make in the neighborhood of the eight dollars. I felt sure I was doing better than that. Mr. McDevitt, how do the sales of my records compare with your other recording stars? Well, I have the list right here. Let me see. Oh, here you are. You're tied for last place with Cohen on the telephone. Don't get gay, McDevitt. People like to hear me sing on the radio show I do for RCA Victor and if my last record didn't sell, it wasn't my fault. Now, maybe the tune wasn't any good. Maybe the arrangement wasn't right. Maybe the record was mechanically imperfect. Maybe they couldn't find enough tone deaf people to buy it. You don't have to be tone deaf to like my voice. But it helps. Now just a minute, Mr. McDevitt. I want you to stop making fun of Phil's voice. I happen to like it. Do you think it's good? Don't change the subject. All right. Now look, McDevitt, the fault is with your sales force. They just don't know how to sell my records. Sell them, he says. We started out on that basis, but that didn't work. Then we tried giving them away, but that didn't work either. We even tried smuggling them into Rudy Valley albums. All right. I don't remember why my last record didn't sell. As I always say, that's water over the dam. Yes, there's no point in crying over spilled milk. Maybe the next one will be better. Perhaps, but we can't count our chickens until they're hatched. Well, now that everybody else has coined a cliche, it's my turn. A bird in the hand saves nine. Francis, you mixed a metaphor. I'm sorry, girly. But as long as I have it mixed, would you join me in one? I don't mind if I do. Put an olive in it and strain the ice, please. Gentlemen, please, let's get back to business. We're anxious for you to make another record, Harris, but frankly, we're having trouble finding a song for you to do. Your type of song is, shall we say, unusual? Not everybody can write them. You mean somebody writes that stuff? Of course, how do you think my songs are created? I thought you'd put a lot of notes in a hat, mix them well, dump them out on a piece of flypaper and whatever sticks there is your song. Well, we used to use the flypaper method. But one day in the middle of the tune, three of the notes took off and flew away. And my trumpet player, who in his spare time was an etymologist, he chased the note for two blocks and he was just about to catch it. All right, all right. Well, you started it, didn't you? Well, I'm sorry I mentioned it. Harris, as soon as we find a novelty tune for you, we'll let you know. In the meantime, you look around and perhaps you can find one yourself. Okay, Mr. McDevitt, and thanks. Come on, let's get out of here, huh? Well, there must be some place we can find a good tune for me. We can only find another ballad like the thing. Do you think the world is ready for that? Well, if we can only find somebody to write another hit like that, early. Why look around for somebody else to write it? What do you mean? Why don't we write one? Yeah. Yeah. You and me will write a song. Now you're talking, Remly. Yeah, he may be talking, but he isn't saying anything. You fellas can't write a song. What are you talking about? We'll be a great songwriting team. Come on, shall we go home and get started writing? Mr. Hammerstein? I'm right on your tail, Mr. Rogers. You're right up. And Alice thought we couldn't write a song. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing to this. We've only been on it three hours and already we're on the way to a great song. You said it. Hey, Remly, play what we wrote so far. Okay. Oh, what a note. What a lovely note. And to think it's all ours. Play it through once more, Remly. Beautiful. Now we can only find another note to follow that. We've got a hitch. Maybe we ought to drop this for a while and get to work on the lyrics. Well, you better let me handle that department. Let me handle that department. I know all about that kind of stuff. You do, huh? Natch. Now look, there are eight lyrics. Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do. I didn't think you'd know it. Who happens to be my best? Curly, I may not know much about music, but there's one thing I do know. Those are not lyrics. No, those are vowels. Oh, well, let's forget the lyrics for a while and write the words. Well, before we do that, let's decide on a title. Let's see, what we call it. Well, the thing was a great success if we could only follow it with... Curly, I got the title. What? The Son of the Thing. I don't know, Remly. No, but Curly, it has endless possibilities. We can follow that up with a series. The Thing goes to Princeton. The Thing becomes engaged with the Lula Bank head. The Thing grows another head. The Thing gives birth to an eight-pound bagel. Eight-pound bagel. What's the matter with you? Maybe we can call it the... Well, boys, how's the songwriting team coming? Have you written anything yet? Have we written anything? Hey, Remly, play our song for Alice. Okay. What do you think of it, honey? Phil, you can't steal that entire song. What song? That's Good Night Irene, and you know it. Yeah, now that you mention it, it does sound similar. Hey, wait a minute. I got a way of switching this. We'll do the same thing, and we'll put it in three-quarter time. No, I tried it in three-quarter time, Curly. It won't work. Why not? That way it sounds like the Tennessee Wall. Who are you fellas trying to kid? I told you you couldn't write a song. You've been at this all day, and you only have one note. Yeah. Hey, Curly, maybe we've been going at this in the wrong way. Maybe we ought to get an idea and write the words first, and fit the music to it. All right, let's try it. Well, what are we going to write about? Remember, Remly, I want something different. What do you mean different? There have been songs written about everything possible. Oh, I don't know. I haven't heard any good stomach pump ballads lately. Have you, Curly? No, I can't say that I have. I don't think they've written any tunes about a sluggish liver, either. Please. No, huh? Hey, Curly, let's write something nostalgic. Like a song about your hometown. They've already wrote a song about my hometown. Do what did he? They've written a lot of songs about where I spent my youth. A little old New York. How about a song about where I spent my youth? Pure youth. Yeah, man, I can see that title now. Gee, but I'd give the world to see that old chain gang of mine. Curly, please, I was a model child. I was a boy scout, a member of the 4-H club. And every year at the county fair, I won the blue ribbon for my persimmon preserve. And you should have tasted my pickled pigs' nickel. I imagine... Pigs' nickels, huh? Just what part of the pig is that? You got a pig with money, huh? How'd you make them with that trigger finger? Why don't you give up? You can't write a song. We're not giving up. A lyric writer like that were a cinch. Pigs' nickels. Look, you can't expect this to come up, honey, with a song in five minutes. No, it takes a lot of time and patience to steal a good tune. Now, wait a minute, Remly. We don't have to lift nothing. We're partners, and together we can do this. Now, with my brain's talent and ability, and your... and your... all right, my half, go steal yours. Curly, you don't sound like you have confidence in me. Oh, Frankie, how can you say that? I have as much confidence in your ability as you have in mine. We're in big trouble. Frankie, we're starting off on the wrong foot. In order to be a successful songwriting team, each partner has to have confidence in the other. Why the macaddo never would have been written if Gilbert didn't have faith in Ed Sullivan. And why Christmas never would have been written if Irving didn't get along with Berlin. Certainly. They had faith in each other's ability. Who did? Sam Irving and Clyde Berlin. You're not paying attention there. Now, you're right, Curly. We must respect each other's ability. Now, let's buckle down and show the world that we can write a great song. And they did write a song. It took them a few days, but they finished their masterpiece this morning. I was in the kitchen when, suddenly, there was a shout. Alice, Alice, come in here quick. Coming, Phil. What is it? Honey, we finished our song. Yep. We just have to write two more notes for the ending. That does it. Well, what kind of a song did you fellas write? A ballad, a rumba, or a wall? Oh, it's better than that. We wrote a Chinese folk song. This is a Chinese folk song. Yeah. We've got a great title for it. We call it Chopsticks. Or I'll be down to get you in a rickshaw, honey. Well, as I don't want to be a wet blanket, but this song has already been written. It has? Remly, this tune is your idea. Now, did you ever hear it before? No. I'll admit there's a song that's similar to it. That one goes, de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. But ours is different. Ours goes, na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. See? It's entirely different. Different, huh? Who are you trying to kid? If there's one thing I know it's music, that's the same song. All you did was to sing it one octagon higher. You have to write a song. Write a love song. I'll tell you what. If it's any good, I'll sing it for you. Oh, do you sing this? It happens to be my business. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing. From the moment we kiss tonight, that's the way I've just got to behave. Boy, if I were a lamp I'd lie. Or if I were a banner I'd wave. Ask me how do I feel? A little me with my quiet I'm bringing. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a gate I'd be swinging. And if I were to watch I'd start popping my spring boys. Or if I were a bell I'd go ding-dong-ding-dong-ding. Ask us how do we feel? From this chemistry lesson we're learning. All right, boys, how do you feel? Well, dear, all we can say is if we were a bridge we'd be burning. Oh, I knew my morale would crack. You've got to be careful. From the wonderful way that it looked, if I were a duck I'd quack. Or if I were to flu-side me cook. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're fondly caressing. Wonderful, isn't it? Oh, if I were to sound, I'd just know I'd be splashing my dressing. Or if I were a season, I'd truly be spring. Or if I were a bell I'd go. If I were a bell I'd go. If I were a bell I'd go ding-dong-ding. It's a swell song, Frankie. I wish we could write one like that. If you like it, Curly, I got an idea. Now, wait a minute. Now, we ain't gonna steal it. No, of course not. But if we play if I were a bell backwards, nobody'll recognize it. Will you shut up now, please? Or how about the Star Spangled Banner sideways? Phil, do me a favor and forget the whole thing. You want some pigs, nickel? You sound like you've got a mouthful of pigs, nickel. Not where you people been. Phil, do me a favor and forget the whole thing. You've become the laughing stock of the neighborhood. Everybody in town knows that you're trying to write a song. How they know? Who told them? Well, I had to explain the horrible noises that were coming from the house. Everybody in town thinks you're crazy. It's humiliating. People always ridicule creative genius. They said Edison was crazy. They said Marconi was crazy. They said Robert Fulton was crazy. They even said Sam Fromkes was crazy. Who was Sam Fromkes? My uncle was crazy. Julius, what are you doing here? I heard you guys was writing a song and I hurried right over so I could be the face one to tell you it stinks. That's not a nice thing to say. What are you guys writing a song for? Well, I have to. RCA Victor wants me to make more records, but they can't find a song for me to do. I see. You see, I have a distinctive style, lad. And well, the fellow who writes my type of songs don't grow on trees. What do they grow on? Look, kid, will you get lost? I'm busy. Just beat it. Will you please? Frankie and me have got to get back to writing my song. What do you need him for? Why don't you do it yourself? Haven't you got enough brains? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got enough brains. I could do it myself, but I figured I could turn out a great song with Mr. Remley's help. I see your point. Three heads are better than one. What's so tough about writing a song? Anybody can write a song. Did you ever write a song? I'm glad you asked me that. Just happened to have one of me back pocket. Oh, no, not you too, Julia. Ah, you like this song, Miss Faye. It's a love song. If I get it published, I want you to be the first one to sing it, Miss Faye. And if you do, I'll dedicate it to you. Oh, that's very sweet of you. What's the name of the song? They all think my girl has a bald spot on top, but it's really a hole in her head. I don't think that's my type of song. Hey, now, wait a minute. Wait, wait a minute. There's C there. Sounded like a pretty good novelty tune. I might be able to do it. Let me see that music. Let me see. It's not bad. Yeah, the hole in the head. And the bar is still my sweet only bar. Hey, this is really something. This guy is amazing. I give him a copy of Police Gazette and he's singing it. This is music. And look at these notes right here. I could... Oh, she's wearing a polka dot bathing suit. I wonder why them notes look so sexy. Let me have the music now, kid. Well, if I like it, I might do a big favor and make a record of it for you. This is a big favor? Well, of course it is. I happen to be a big RCA singing star and if I introduce your song, do you know what'll happen? Yeah, it'll be an overnight swap. There's only one guy who can take a song and make it a hit and that's Bing. Bing who? Bing rapper port, you jerk. Kid, let me have that song. Julius, if I like this thing, I'm willing to introduce it on my radio program. You are? You mean you'll take my little song and sing it on your program? You'll sing it with all of voice and feeling you got? You'll do the same thing for my song that you've done for all the other songs you've sung? Yes, I will. You really hate me, don't you? Give me back my song. There's something frightening about that kid. Have you ever seen his mother and father? Yeah, yeah, they're nice people. Then how do you account for him? Maybe he was under the house when they bought it. Will you forget him and let's get back to the song? Don't worry about him. You mean you fellas haven't given up yet? Well, I can't give up. I need a song and if I'm gonna make a record, I gotta have a song. Well, you can't write a song and you know it. I can, too. I'm a musician and within my breast burns an artistic desire for expression and I am determined that this fire shall not remain closeted within my bosom. Keep talking, red-eyes, you fascinate me. I didn't hear that doorbell. Now, how did you get in here? Soon as second story, I'd like to keep in practice. Well, what are you doing here? I've come to help you. I hear you're looking for a new song. So? So I have written one. And you are gonna make a record of it? Suppose I don't want to. Who's asking you? You are making a record of this tune. Who's gonna make me? I am. And you're just a kid that can do it. It's better. Now, we'll get down and make the record tonight. All right, Grogan, I'll make the record but before I do, what's the song about? Don't get nosy. You're gonna buy a record tomorrow and find out. And I'll run over the tone once or twice and we'll get down to the recording studio and we'll make the record. Not just a minute, Grogan. You can't come into my friend's house and tell him what to do. One more crack out of you and I'll have Curly eject you. Won't you, Curly? Yeah, I'll be very happy to eject him. You aren't gonna throw me out? Is that what that word means? Why don't you tell me these things? Are you trying to get me killed or something? I'll be very happy to do your song, Grogan. What's it about? Well, I got two songs you can have your choice. There's one that's kind of a cowboys lament, you see, and the other is a mutter song. Well, let me hear the mutter one. I don't think there's ever been a song about a horse who runs on a wet track. It's not about a horse, it's about a mutter. A mutter. Who's married to your father? Oh, ma. Ma. But, Grogan, there's been a lot of mother songs already written. Well, no, not about a mutter like mine. Now, quiet while I sing this. Remember, no crying during a rendition because heavy sniffling distracts me. All right, here I go. Aim is for the mob. She used to run with U is for the other rackets she was in. D is for the dum-dums in her lube. D is for my daddy who the dum-dums dim. D is for her eyes so hard and shifty. R is for the rat who timed her in. Put them all together, they spell mother. Hey, that's my new tune. Hey, Alice, Alice. What is it, Phil? Get R.C.L. on the phone and tell them that we got the best mother song since I was some seafood mama. Here's a word from R.C.A. Victor. Long-haired symphony or short-haired jive. They both sound best on 45. R.C.A. Victor's modern system of recorded music. And whether you want to cut a rug or relax, the R.C.A. Victor 45 record changer sets you free to do it. You can make up your own programs quickly and easily. You can select just the music you want when you want it. And the 45 will give you almost an hour of continuous music at the push of one button. Your R.C.A. Victor dealer will be happy to introduce you anytime to the whole family of 45 instruments. Be sure you pay special attention to the very special Victrola 45 personal. It's a complete automatic phonograph and a smart plastic case with a handy handle. You can carry it with you and plug it in for music wherever you go. Get personally acquainted with the Victrola 45 personal soon. It could be the start of the most beautiful friendship you ever made in recorded music. Yes, long-haired symphony or short-haired jive. They both sound best on 45. The 45 RPM system of recorded music by R.C.A. Victor. This is Phil again and I'd like to thank all of our friends out there for listening. And Alice and myself and our entire cast hope that you make this a regular Sunday night habit. And to all of you nice people in the audience, you were so wonderful that we just have time to say good night. Good night everybody. This program was produced and transcribed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Sheldon Leonard and Frank Nelson. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliot Lewis and Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Remember, whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrola phonograph or records, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. R.C.A. Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.