 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. In a cigarette, nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And remember... Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike! Lucky strike! This is Don Wilson, friends. I'm sure all you smokers will agree that the one thing you want most from your cigarette is better taste. For after all, nothing. No nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Now there are good reasons why. For one thing, Lucky's are made of good tasting tobacco. Tobacco that is fine, light, naturally mild. Yes, LS, MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Then Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. In addition, every pack of Lucky's is extra tightly sealed to bring you Lucky's better taste in all its natural freshness. Just open up a pack and you'll find that every Lucky Strike is as fresh as the day it was made. That's right. Lucky's just naturally have a better taste when they're made and still have that better taste when you smoke them. Because they come to you fresh. So for real deep down smoking enjoyment, be happy. Go Lucky. Get a carton of better tasting, fresher tasting, Lucky Strike. Lucky's tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly. Ladies and gentlemen, immediately after this radio show, Jack Benny will do another of his monthly television programs over the CBS Network. But in the meantime, let's go back to last Monday when Jack returned from a successful personal appearance at the Kern Theater in San Francisco. As we look in on Jack, he's at home, going over some mementos of his theater appearance. 7,098. 7,099. What are you doing, boss? Oh, I'm just checking over the number of programs you sold during my engagement in San Francisco. I thought I sold quite a lot of them. Oh, you did, Rochester, and those programs made wonderful souvenirs. They had my biography and pictures of my entire life in them. I know. Say, boss, in that picture on the second page, was that man standing beside you, your father? No, no, he was my violin teacher, and he had just finished giving me a lesson. But why were you wearing that big floppy hat? That's not a hat. It's my violin. The teacher just broke it over my head. He was very impulsive, you know. Very impulsive, very impulsive. Hello, Polly. I'm glad you're home from the pet shop. Now, Rochester, I hope you put away all the things I brought from San Francisco. I did that this morning. And you do what I told you to do about laying out all my clothes and calling the cleaner to get them? I did that, too. Good. Now, go upstairs and make sure I didn't leave anything in my clothes. Go through the pockets. Again. Oh, you went through the pockets already? Why? It's once with the hands and once with the magnets. Well, never mind. Do it again. You take care of my clothes. I'll answer the door. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. Welcome home. Well, it's nice being home. Good to see you again. Thanks, kid. I heard it over as soon as I heard you were back. You did? Yeah. Gosh, if I got something to tell you. What, Dennis? What? I'm quitting your show. What's wrong this time? Don't you like the material you get on the program? Oh, I think the lines, they give me a very funny. Well, don't you like the short hours you have to work? Well, they're fine. Well, don't you like the musical arrangements I get you for your songs? I think they're wonderful. And for heaven's sakes, kid, what's the matter? I don't like you. After 14 years, you suddenly found out you don't like me. I didn't like you when I first met you. Look, Dennis, let's drop this silly talk. You can't quit. Well, I'm going to quit. Well, you can't. Your contract still has 41 years more to run. Oh, boy, that's what I like, security. Yeah, yes, security. Now, let me hear the song you're going to do on Sunday's show. Yes, sir, it's called If I Love You a Mountain. It's from my new 20th Century Fox picture. The girl next door, which is 3-D. Oh, your picture, huh, Dennis? See, I didn't know it was 3-D. She's delightful. Oh, quiet. Now, look, let's have you... Hold on a second, Dennis. Hello? Hi, Jack, this is Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. When did you get home from San Francisco? Oh, who's home? I'm still up here. Well, how come? I thought you were supposed to get back here yesterday. Oh, yeah, but San Francisco has fascinated the boys in the band so much. I can't get them to leave. Well, what's so fascinating to the boys in the band? Well, Remley's absolutely amazed at all the steep hills in San Francisco. What do you mean? Well, it's the first time Frankie's been sober in the city cockey. That, I can believe it. Well, when are you coming home? Tomorrow. I tried to get the fellas to leave here tonight, but Bagby's given a little party. Charlie Bagby, our piano player? Mm-hmm. What kind of party is he giving? Well, it's not exactly a party. He's invited the rest of the band to watch him jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Now, wait a minute, Bob. I know that Bagby has certain peculiarities. I can understand him wearing gloves when he plays the piano because he doesn't want to leave his fingerprints on anything. I can even understand him not wanting to ever sit in the chair because of the way his uncle died. So why should he want to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? Oh, he did it yesterday and he liked it. He liked it? Yeah, he thinks those white caps are brew 102. Look, Bob, this is all very funny, but a man doesn't phone long distance just to tell jokes. Now, what do you want? Well, Jack, to tell you the truth, I've run out of money and I need some to get back to Los Angeles. Well, Bob, you don't need any money to get back here. All you have to do is get a road map, stand out on the highway, and motorists will pick you up. Jack, a man in my position can't hitchhike. Wait a minute, Bob, wait a minute. Second thought, maybe you shouldn't hitchhike. I'll send you the money. Where are you staying? Uncle Dan's mission. Oh, well, I'll wire it to you. So long, Bob. Bye. Okay, Dennis, let me hear your song. Yes, sir. See, that song sounds great, you know? I don't know what it is, but your voice gets better and better. You know, you're not only one of the best singers That kid gets sillier every day. See, I don't know what to do today. I think... Mr. Barry, it's nearly lunchtime. Would you like me to get you something to eat? No, I'm not hungry, maybe later. Okay, by the way, what happened to Mr. D? He left. Oh, then if we're alone, there's something I want to ask you. What is it? I want to ask you for a raise. Again! Mr. Rochester, you can forget it. I'll answer the door. Hi, Dowl. Hello, Jack. I wasn't expecting you. Well, I didn't intend dropping in, but I wanted to mail this letter and I'm out of stamp. Do you have any left? Oh, sure, they're in the next room. There they are. Thanks. Throw the folder in the way, Sam. Who, uh... Who's the, uh... Why, are you surprised? Who's the letter? Who's the letter to? Uh, my mother. I'm answering one I received from her this morning. Oh, you got a letter from your mother? Yeah, would you like to hear it? Certainly. What does Get Lost Little Sheba have to say? Well, here it is. I'll read it to you. Okay. My darling daughter Mary, just a short note to let you know that all is going well here on the farm. And before I forget, I want to thank you for the lovely Mother's Day gift. Your Aunt Sophie is breaking her engagement with her boyfriend. It's probably just as well. She broke it off. Now she won't have to go and see him on visiting day anymore. That constant kissing through the wire screen made her face look like waffle. Yeah, most women use pancake makeup. She just uses pancake. No other news. No other news except that I hope you saw your Uncle Willie on television last Sunday. He appeared on What's My Line and won $50. See. None of the experts could guess that he was a bum. Well, good for Uncle Willie. He could use the $50. Also, the bottle of Stop F. Incidentally, he could also use... Jack, Jack, please. There's a T.S. Oh, and it's about you. Well, read it. Read it, kid. Okay. Mary. Mary, I read in Variety that Jack really had a successful engagement up at San Francisco and made a lot of money. I am so happy for him because this is what he always wanted. Your mother can kid me if she wants to, Mary, but I had a swell time in San Francisco. I know, Jack. We all did. Well, I better be running along now. Wait a minute, Mary. I haven't anything to do this afternoon. Maybe we'll take a walk or something. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't. This is near the end of the season. I've got to go downtown and audition for a summer job. Oh, really? What company? CBS or NBC? MAY. Oh, well, lots of luck, Mary. I hope you get what you want. Goodbye. Bye, Jack. Would you like some lunch now, Mr. Benny? No, I'm still not hungry. Gee, I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to go play golf or just sit around. Well, why don't you just relax and read a book? Well, I've read all my books. Well, you can go to the library and borrow some new ones. Hey, that's a good idea. Rochester, you get the car. No, it's only a short distance. Such a nice day. I'll walk. I'll see you later, Rochester. Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, boss. Oh, say, that reminds me, Rochester. Yes, sir. This afternoon, I want you to give Polly a bath. Again? Yes, again. I'll see you later. It's nice and quiet in the library. Peaceful, too. Oh, there's a librarian. I'll have to see her about getting a card. Yes, sir. Can I help you? Yes, miss. I'd like to join the library. Oh, you'd like to take out a library card? Yes, and the librarian, too. Now, if you want to get a card, you'll have to give me some information. Your name? Jack Benny. Your address? 366 North Camden Drive. Your age? 39. 39? Yes. You haven't worn well, have you? Well, I worry a lot. Well, here's your card, Mr. Benny. Now, as you know, this is a public library, and each book you borrow may be kept free for three weeks. However, for each day after that, we find you two cents. Oh, and if I bring the book back before the three weeks are up, do you give me two cents a day? Of course not. What a racket. Now, where would I find some of the... Oh, Jack! Jack! Oh, Jack, I'm glad you're still here. Oh, Don, how'd you know where I was? Well, I dropped over to your house in Rochester, told me you'd gone to the library. But, Don, I just got here myself. How'd you get here so fast? There's a sportsman quartet, and I rode over here in my MG. Wait a minute. The poor sportsman and you in an MG? Yeah, I was low-man on the totem pole. Well, what was so important that you had to see me now? Well, Jack, the sportsmen have a new number they've rehearsed, and they'd like you to hear it. Now, wait a minute. They can't sing here. This is a library. Certainly not. Let's only take a minute. But, Don, look at that sign. It says, don't talk. Whisper. That's wonderful, Jack. The name of the song is Whispering. Oh, oh. Miss, the name of the song is Whispering. Oh, that's all right. Okay, Don. Take it, fellas. Don, please. It's embarrassing. Yeah, come on, Don. Don, Don, everybody's looking at it. Don, this is embarrassing. Tell the boys to whisper. Okay? Whisper it, fellas. Whisper it! That's a back-old. Much better tasting. That's a back-old. Let's stop this whispering and start shouting. Lutty's I'm a small sell-out. Don, I admire your loyalty to Lutty strikes. But don't you ever have the boys sing another song in a library. Okay, Jack. Well, I'll see you later. So long. Goodbye. Goodbye. I better apologize to the librarian. Miss, I'm awfully sorry about this disturbance. Oh, that's all right. That's the most excitement we've had in this library since we put the Kinsey Report next to Forever Amber. Well, I can imagine, huh? Well, I better go find a book to read. Gee, we must have thousands of books here. Let's see. Here's one. It takes more than talent by Mervyn Leroy. Yeah, I read that. It's very good. Something about me in it, too. I wonder if that's the same Mervyn Leroy that... No, no, I guess not. Here's another one. Return to Paradise by James Michener. Let's see what books they have under adventure. Hey, this book sounds exciting. How I discovered the insane pirate's buried fortune or dig that crazy treasure. Look at all the books on this shelf. They're all devoted to spaceships and interplanetary travel. I think I'll take this one. I flew to Mars in a spaceship. See, that sounds interesting. Maybe I'll sit down here and read it. I flew to Mars in a spaceship, Chapter 1. My new spaceship for the only remaining unexplored planet, Mars. Everything is in readiness for the perilous flight. I waited for my navigator to board ship. The beautiful cavity she boarded said... Hello, Commander. Hello, Tom. As we readied ourselves for the flight, I couldn't help staring at her. She looked so beautiful in a luring in her new low-cut oxygen tank. Tonga, let's make our last-minute check before we blast off into space. All right, Buzz. I'll call the items off. You check them on the charts. Power rockets. Power rockets. Stratosphere speed indicator. Stratosphere speed indicator. Liquified jet fuel. Liquified jet fuel. Buggy whip. Buggy... Wait a minute. What are we doing with a buggy whip on a space rocket? Somebody goofed. The control switch and we were off made us lose consciousness. And when we came to, we were in outer space. As Tonga navigated, I asked her questions. What is the gravitational pull of the Earth now? Zero. And our speed? I have her wide open. 99,000 miles per hour. We should be doing 100,000. I wonder what's slowing us up. You forgot to take the fox tail off the radiator cap. Oh, yes. It cuts our speed, but it's 40. Tonga, wait a minute. Why are you slowing down the ship? There's a man standing up ahead with his hand extended. Oh, yes. Slow it way down. I'll open the hatch door and talk to him. Hey, what are you doing out there? I'm hitchhiking to Los Angeles. Well, good luck. I'm going to Mars, but I'll be back in time for my television show. The crucial moment for landing was at hand. Get the ship in landing position. Landing position achieved. Jettison the ballast. Ballast Jettison. So far, we haven't loused up any of the words. Stop the ship. Old fashioned sound man. We walked around. We were amazed at the weird atmosphere. We saw a strange creature approaching us. There was life on Mars. As it came closer, I nervously gripped my disintegrator gun. Then this creature stopped, opened its mouth and said, Ah, welcome to Mars. We came from Earth. I am Commander Buzz Corey, and this is Tonga. Tonga? Yes. As our spaceship flew over your planet, we didn't see any farms. We have no farms. Well, where do you raise your animals and vegetables? We don't have none. Well, for heaven's sakes, what do you eat? We have plenty. We eat irradiated air, powdered uranium, condensed hydrogen, and simmer on rolls. I could see I would get nowhere with him, so I asked him to take me to his chief. A few minutes later, we found ourselves standing in front of the most important person on the entire planet. Differentially, I vowed to him and said, Are you the leader of the Martians? Hey, yes, but I'm quitting your show tomorrow. I stared at this Martian in amazement. Things on Mars had huge, tremendous heads. This one had no head at all. You made a mistake coming here. We tolerate no strangers. But we are friends. Guards, get ready to kill these people. You can't kill me. You can't. You can't. You can't. Sir, you'll have to lower your voice. This is a public library. I said lower your voice. This is a library. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I was reading this book and was carried away. For a while, I was in the 25th century. Then I was mistaken. You certainly do wear well. Thank you. I'll take this book home with me. I'll finish it after I do my television show. Goodbye. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in just a moment to tell you about my television show, which goes on immediately after this program. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. Nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember, Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky, strike me. Lime tobacco, Richard tasting. Lime tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike. Lucky strike. Friends, when it comes to really enjoying a cigarette, remember this. Nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better because they're actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Then, too, lucky tastes better because they're made of fine tobacco. I guess the whole world knows LSMFT, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and even better taste. So for the real deep down smoking enjoyment of a better tasting cigarette, smoke Lucky Strike. The cigarette that has better taste when it's made and still has that better taste when you smoke it. Yes, next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Ladies and gentlemen, my producer is signaling me that I'm a little early. He means I'm a little early for my TV show, which goes on immediately after this radio program. But I'm a little late on this program, so I better say goodbye on radio and in a few seconds I'll say hello on television. Boy, am I a crazy mixed-up kid. Good night, everybody. The Jack Benny program this week was written by Milk Josephsburg, John Tackerberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Martin. Be sure to hear The American Way with all its might for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Salt your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Ready on Upward.