 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield. Walter Sharpen his music and yours truly Bill Foreman. At some time or other every man has promised to buy his wife a fur coat. Some men never get around to doing it. But there are others like Phil who do get around to doing it but wish they hadn't. More about that later. First the word from RCA Victor. It's a wonderful feeling to know what you own is the best in its field. And in television that's RCA Victor. Year after year RCA Victor proves its superiority by bringing you the big advances in TV. And this year RCA Victor is five ways finer. Every 1953 set for example brings you the new automatic magic monitor circuit system that screens out static automatically. And automatically ties the best sound to the clearest picture. And every set has an improved deep image picture tube for life like pictures. You get all these big advances and many more with every RCA Victor 453. And for you who want the ultimate in television there's the cream of the new RCA Victor line. Television deluxe. These sets have extra tubes extra power extra beauty. These RCA Victor deluxe sets are the most beautiful ever. No wonder the wide range of finishes include rich fruit woods and nut woods. The cabinets faithfully follow in the best traditions of modern regency and colonial styling. Yes whichever style model or finish you prefer you'll find your choice in RCA Victor's unusually wide selection. Prices start as low as one hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety five cents. And remember for expert installation and service by an RCA Victor factory service contract. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris. And Phil married Alice he promised to buy her a real luxurious mink cake. He never quite got around to buying it but now after 12 years of marriage he finally saved up enough money to get it. Well I finally got the money saved twenty two hundred dollars. And it's going to buy a nice mink cake from a little woman. I better count that money again make sure I got twenty two hundred here. Now let me see fifteen hundred sixteen seventeen come in eighteen nineteen. Hi Curly I just came over to get a load of that federal wallpaper. Oh hi Elliot Curly where'd you get all this money. I've been saving it up for a long time. What are you going to do with it. I'm going to buy a mink cake. Well I'd be bad. That look adorable with your new Mamie bang hairdo. Them ain't bangs they're spit curls. I'm taking a tango lesson tonight. Look silly the mink cake ain't for me I'm buying it for Alice. Alice who. Alice my wife. You're buying your own wife a twenty two hundred dollar mink cake. What she got on you Curly. She ain't got nothing on me. Then let's forget it let's you and me take the twenty two hundred go out to the racetrack. Wait a minute we ain't going to no racetrack. I want to buy this for Alice because she deserves it. Why what she ever do for you. She's given me the best years of her life. Well if she's already given him to you why waste twenty two hundred dollars. Never thought of it that way. I'll just drop her a thank you note and off we go to the race. Spend the fortnight at Santa Anita and for twenty. No now wait no leave me alone. I'm buying the cake for Alice today. And look it's going to be a big surprise Elliot so don't mention a word because she don't know nothing about it. Look Curly you can depend on me if there's one thing I can do good it's keep a secret. Why do you know that five years ago my aunt and uncle were expecting a baby and my uncle came to me and he said Elliot your aunt's going to have a baby but she doesn't want anyone to know about it. So don't tell her I told you. And you kept the secret. You're darn right. To this day my aunt don't know about that baby. And the kids in kindergarten. All right. So you see you can try. All right I said don't go any further. Now just don't let Alice know don't tell her what it's for and I'll tell you. Oh Phil can I. Phil where did you get all that money you've got in your hand. Money. What money. Oh well I I. Oh the money it belongs to the government. You see it's it's for my income tax installment. And I'm going right down to the income tax bureau and pay it now. Who I can't wait. Come on Elliot let's go down to the to the income tax bureau so long honey I'll see you later. Goodbye boys and be careful Phil. Put your money in your back pocket and make Elliot walk in front of you. That's a nasty type remark. Looks like your fame has spread kid. She didn't suspect the thing. I got away with it pretty good didn't I. Alice don't know nothing about the case. You know something I'm going to get her the most beautiful fur in town. This is really going to be a big surprise. Yeah but Curly you don't know nothing about minks. Don't you think you ought to take a woman along someone who knows about size, coloring, styling. She can model it for you too. Yeah it would help if we had a woman along somebody about Alice's size and coloring so we can see how it looks on her. And I know just the girl to take along. Who? Jane Russell. Elliot Jane Russell don't look nothing like Alice. Why do you want to take her along? So in case you don't buy the cape today won't be a total loss. Elliot what we need is a blonde who looks like Alice. Somebody like Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. Wiggle walk would be good. Yeah she'd be... No no we'd better not. Hey wait a minute. What? I know just the one. How about Larry Binion the sax player in my band? He ain't blonde he's bald. I mean his wife Betty his wife. Now his wife is blonde and she looks like Alice. Not only that she's a friend of Alice's and knows what she likes. Look on the way to the furriers we'll stop by and pick Betty up. Come on let's get in my car. Curly I don't know if I want to go. Ah come on. Hey I'll make it worth your while. You get in the car and on the way down I'll play some records. You got a record player in your car? Of course. What do you think I live like a pig? Hey Elliot. Huh? How do you like the cape Betty's modeling now? Look Curly we've been here for two hours looking at capes. Take it already will you? Well not so fast. I'm spending a lot of money and I'm not gonna throw it away. It took me a long time to raise this 2200. And I had to work hard to get it. I was in that crap game for eight hours before. I had to use your dice I never would have made it. Phil I think this cape I'm modeling is beautiful. Why don't you take it? Well I don't know Betty. But Phil I have to get back and prepare Larry's dinner before he gets home. Your husband can wait for his dinner. Now please go try on another one. Oh alright. Hey Curly you're gonna give the cape to Alice as soon as you get home? Uh-uh. I ain't gonna give it to Alice until Saturday. See I'm gonna have Betty keep it at her place so Alice won't know anything about it. And then it'll be a big surprise when she- Uh-oh I'm dead. What's matter? Here comes our gossipy neighbor Mrs. Stewart. If she sees me buying this cape for Alice she's bound to tell her and spoil the whole surprise. Look Elliot we can't let her know I'm buying a cape for Alice. You're right Curly I'll see to it. Well if it isn't Mr. Harris I didn't expect to find you here. Well I- You know when you're going to bump into people I always say you meet them in the strangest places. Hiya Stu. Oh Mr. Harris you've got the gremlin with you. What are you doing in the third department? Well I- I know you're buying something for your wife. Well I- Don't tell me I know. I'll bet you're buying her a cheap rabbit fur piece. I ain't buying my wife a cheap rabbit fur piece. Am I Elliot? No. He's buying his girlfriend an expensive mink cape. What? Elliot. You told me you don't want her to know you're buying it for Alice. Oh forget it. Look Mrs. Stewart pay no attention to him. I'm not buying anything for anybody. I'm just passing through and well I'm browsing. Oh Phil look at this fur cape I have on. This is gorgeous. It's just what we're looking for. Buy this one. Nice browsing. Look Mrs. Stewart I don't even know this girl. Then why did she call you Phil? Well uh uh it was a mistaken identity. She thinks I'm Phil Spitalny. You know the all girl orchestra. Look Phil. Alright Evelyn. Take your magic by land and get in there. Phil I have no time to play games. Buy the cape and drive me home. Alright alright. I'll buy this one if you like it. Look you'll have to excuse me Mrs. Stewart. I have to get Betty back to her apartment before her husband gets home. And do me a favor. Well you don't say anything to Alice. You see my wife doesn't know anything about this. They never do. Well I better go pay the man for the cape. Mrs. Stewart please not a word to my wife. I don't want her to know about the cape. Don't worry. You can trust me. I won't say a word. I know how these things are. Oh that nasty old man. What does a lovely young thing like that see in an old goat like him? Poor Mrs. Harris. I hope she doesn't hear about this. From anybody else. Well I better hurry over to her house. Oh I haven't had so much fun since I broke up the happy home of the Johnson. Oh and I just hated to tell you this Mrs. Harris. But there he was in broad daylight his biggest life buying a mink cape for this girl. Oh you must be mistaken. Perhaps the woman he was buying the cape for was his mother. Mrs. Harris you're fighting me. This woman was young and pretty. Not in fact I can't really blame your husband. She was a luscious looking thing. She was? Yes. But don't worry dear. She'll fade. Believe me she'll never look like you when she's your age. Oh these men. They're all the same. You can't trust a one of them. He's no different than anyone else. I don't believe a word of this. But I'll talk to Phil when he gets home and I... Uh oh. I see Phil's car pulling in the driveway now. I'll find out if he's been up to anything. Now Mrs. Harris don't get excited. Just control yourself and handle this diplomatically. What should I say to him when he comes in? Don't say anything. Just start shooting. I'm gonna run back door. I can't stand the sight of blood. Goodbye. Enjoy your business. I don't believe a word that old gossip says. My Phil wouldn't do anything like that. I'll ask him what happened. He'll tell me. And I'll believe him. Hey honey I'm home. Where have you been? What did you do when I've got a witness to prove you didn't? Didn't what? Phil, were you out buying a fur cape for another woman? Who me? Buying a fur cape? You left out for another woman. Well that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It is, huh? Then where have you been for the past four hours? Oh the past four hours? A very exciting thing happened. I was standing in line at the income tax bureau waiting to pay my tax when suddenly two mass bandits came in with machine guns, held up the place and beat it with all the money. Naturally I gave chase. I jumped into my Jaguar and pursued those desperados all over town. Finally I caught them, disarmed them and returned the money to the rightful owner, the United States Bureau of Internal Revenue. You believe me don't you? No I don't. That's funny, I believe him. And I was with him when he bought the fur cape for the other woman. I didn't. Now you see what you've done? You told Alice I bought a fur cape for another woman. What's wrong with you? Clever of me, wasn't it? Now she doesn't suspect a thing about her surprise. All she suspects is that there's another woman. Elliot? Yes sir? Why did I ever have to meet you? I could have just walked by that day. But not me. I had to look down and see you in the bottom of that wine barrel. Curly I didn't mean to put you in a spot. I'll go in and explain the whole thing now. Oh no you don't. I'll go in and explain it myself. It's going to spoil the surprise but I got to do it. I'll go in and pacify her. Maybe you ought to wait Curly. She ain't in a good mood right now. I'll put her in a good mood. I'm going to sing to her. That always cheers her up. Good idea. I could stand a little good cheer myself. Then stay here and listen to me sing. No thanks. I'll go to your bar and get mine. Won't you buy from me? Won't you buy? Won't you try something new? The tropics just especially for you. There's a little fella always in the park selling nuts and candy. Happy as a lot. Chirpy as a cricket as he strolls along. Everybody loves him and his funny song. Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack and jelly apple. Won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjack and jelly apple. Won't you buy? Won't you buy? Won't you buy? Won't you buy from me? Won't you buy? Popcorn, crackerjack and jelly apple. Won't you buy from me? The peanuts, the popcorn, the crackerjack, the jelly apple. Won't you buy? Won't you buy? Won't you buy? won't you buy from me? won't you try? won't you try? just one thing it's just especially for you so won't you buy buy buy buy look at me honey because I did that song just for you how'd you like it? I wasn't listening and from now on I'm not going to listen to anything you say or sing oh please honey I can explain everything no father I'm going to pack my bags my children my money and leave you oh no not the money Alice let me tell you what I don't want to I'm going to tell you this is one time when I want you to keep out of this now keep out of Alice I want to talk to you now come here I'm not going to if you'll just listen to me I'm not going to listen to a thing you have to say I'm going to start packing and leave you Alice come back here you can't leave me now it's Thursday and it's the mate's day off why did you have to come over here and butt in when hey girly Alice just ran by me balling like mad you must have slugged her good this time I didn't slug her Elliot she wouldn't give me a chance to explain anything now what am I going to do there's only one thing to do have Betty come over with the cape and let her explain I'm going to get to Alice yeah Betty could explain that the cape that Alice thought I bought for Betty wasn't for Betty it was for Alice Alice I came I bought Alice a mink cape as a surprise and I took her friend Betty Binion along to help me pick it out somebody saw us and told Alice and now she thinks I bought a cape for a strange woman over and get Betty in the cape now but I don't want to leave Alice stay here would you hey that'd be darn nice of you kid I'm always glad to do something for you I know where Betty lives I'll be right Faith thinks he bought the cape for a strange woman I ain't going to disappoint her so instead of getting the cape in Betty I'll get the cape in a strange woman and I know just the thing to get Julius I cert where's Betty in the cape what'd you put him in there for well I thought if you'd get Miss Faith to open the closet door and she'd see I get it don't say another word it's a wonderful idea when Alice opens the closet door not only will she get her explanation but she'll get her surprise yeah ooh what a bloody mess this is gonna be well I better go in the closet and tell Betty what to say to Alice I already thought of what to say you better get ready Curly here comes Alice now well Phil it's all over I'm leaving you oh look before you go Alice for old time's sake wouldn't you like to step into the closet I want you to see look I'm not stepping into any closet well now wait a minute wait a minute then look you just stand there and I'll open the closet now you close your eyes when I count three I'll open the door and you open your eyes are you ready alright I'll close my eyes good one two three hello hands three two one close your eyes what was in that closet I didn't see nothin' do you see anything in there fellas just the usual things you find in a whole closet yeah rank car umbrella tennis racket and a sexy daemon I guess I'm gonna break your basket carrying arm I'm gonna see what's in that closet hello blondie Phil Harris there's a woman in this closet a woman a woman doing in the closet well I don't know when I put her in there she was just a narcissist bulb I didn't know they grew like this I gotta get a half a dozen in bulbs fuck now fellas miss who are you my name is boo boo Laverne I'm the girl Curly bought this cape for I did not Alice that make capers for you and who is boo boo for I don't know nobody claims her in 30 days I'll take her she look lovely in my window box Alice can't you see I'm being framed I didn't buy that cape for this girl lady please tell my wife I didn't get this cape for you your wife I didn't know you were married oh miss Harris I'm sorry Julius asked me to put the cape on and get in the closet as a practical joke here's the make it really belongs to you to me well I'm sorry oh honey this is beautiful thanks for buying it for me darling it was nothing nothing I almost got killed Phil will be back in just a moment you'll get more of your favorite music for less money with RCA Victor's new 45 extended play pop album the new 45 EPs bring you four selections on a record up to eight minutes of music per side and you save money on every record because you get these four full length songs for only one dollar and forty cents and when you buy RCA Victor 45 extended play albums you get music by the stars who make the hits you'll find there's a wealth of wonderful dance tunes for example available on new 45 EP albums selections like dancing in the dark by Ralph Flanagan in his orchestra and you'll find by Buddy Morrow listen to your favorite dance music at your RCA Victor record dealers tomorrow and always buy RCA Victor 45 extended play albums you'll get more of your favorite music for less money this is Phil again this is Girl Scout birthday time and for 41 years the Girl Scouts have been a never growing force for freedom we send birthday wishes to the Girl Scouts everywhere and a special wish that they may continue to grow in health in happiness and in good citizenship thank you all and good night everyone good night everybody included in this program transcribe were Lois Corbett Gloria Bondel and Julie Bennett the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley why are you packing Alice the cops after Phil? of course not we're going to visit friends I packed everything but my radio you're going to pack a radio in that little overnight bag? certainly this RCA Victor personal table radio it's less than 6 inches high well yeah but how does it sound? wonderful Elliot I don't know how they do it I swear the sound was coming from a much bigger set must be the golden throat tone system sounds terrific me for my RCA Victor dealers tomorrow next here theater guild on the air over NBC