 It's the seaside. It's nice isn't it? Yeah. Well not for long. Right, where are we? We're on the East Kent coast in England. We're about to go in the sea. It's sort of, it's warm-ish but it's quite blowy. It's not what we would just say the temperature is. 15 degrees. Matt's just double-dropped a couple of scrumpies and we're ready for war. I needed to relax a little. I want to connect with nature because that's what this trip is about. It's about tree-set and it's about connecting with nature and the first part of the call is us dunking our junk in the big blue. All right, there we do. Now don't know you, do I? All right, nice one. Saltwater therapy done. Where are we going now? I feel good about that. How would you rate my swimming? I would rate your swimming a strong eight week nine. What were you? Ten. No, it's pretty good wasn't it? It was cold at first but then after you got used to it it actually felt quite warm. It felt warmer to be in the water then. Yeah, soft water. If anyone knows why. How we do it in the south. Yeah, everything's softer in the south. Right, what are we doing now and where are we going? We're going to go to the woods and make a camp. Cook some stuff up. Cook some stuff up. Lobster. Lobster, seafood. No, let's not promise that. Let's not promise that. Burgers, chicken. Yeah. Meat feast in the woods and a crackling campfire podcast. See you in woods. See you in... Just relax. Everything's going to be okay. It just, there's no... I see it spilling in it. Right, okay. Leave that there and then put... Wait a minute. Let's put some... Let's put some terby inside it. Mate, you can't put your chicken fingers in that. Pinch it. That'll be good, mate. Get it in you. Right, come here, love. Come here, love. Come here. For the chicken. It's making a noise. Yeah, but it's fizzing out of a bum hole. There you go. Look at that. That looks in this light absolutely barbaric. You. What pebble dash in there? Oh, legs. There she is. Ready for her... Ready for her close-up. Don't touch your dick or eyes. And then we just... Just to take the edge off. Too much to stop it from cooking, but... I like that. Look at that. Isn't it? Number of Johnny chicken. Macadreak beer, so it's cider chicken. It's a strong bow can of a chicken's anus. Yeah, and you've seen how it was created, and it's not... There's no shame in it. But hopefully it'll be delicious and tender. We'll see. Only time will tell. Yeah, that's good. Minted lamb and vegetables cooked on the fire. Bon appetit. She just needs a big fire-building rounder and just like a sacrificial chicken. Double dipping. What? The effect on the whole plate with your disease. What? How do you mean? Get a bowl. Serve it in, innit? You having that? That is... It's a cider can chicken. It's the first of its kind, I think. I've never heard it being done before, so... I'd love to know how much cider's left in the can. Dude, there's about half. And you can drink, yeah. And it's like a greasy chicken fat that you can either remest that you can drink. There we go. This is our cider can chicken in full effect. Has it worked? Has it not worked? We don't know. We don't know. I'm going to take a... The leg's still on fire, man. I think it's good. We reckon. It's cooked. No, it's definitely cooked. It's actually moist. It's not like... It's not dry at all, is it? No. It's good. And we'll work away on the tits, and then we'll maybe move to the leg and the wing. Maybe try a bit of a leg and a wing each. Cider can chicken. Yeah. I think it's really good. It's very good. Food at home just doesn't taste like it. This better not be the beginning of... As you can hear... Or maybe you can't hear it. It's just started to rain, so... That's another element, literally, that we have to deal with now. Which means... Our fire will go out properly, and we need to get shelter. Because if you get wet, before you go to bed, you'll get cold. And that's not what we want. But that's why we put our shelters off. That's why, both of us individually, have got weatherproof or rainproof shelters set up, ready to go. And the thought of having a rainproof shelter to go to, is a nice thought, isn't it? Yeah, especially when it's hot. It's lovely. It's a good go-over way, couldn't it? I'll tell you what, it's coming down now. So, unless some tragic or magic happens, we'll see you on the morrow. Good morning. Here we are in our camp. Let me just talk you through it. There's hazy. Starting to prepare well. Yeah, just last night's cobwebs. Prepare breakfast. Yeah, trying to blow last night's cobwebs off. So our fire stayed lit all night, even through rain. How bad was the rain? It sounded bad, didn't it? You see my tap sunk there, that's because... It's got a puddle on top of it. Let's have a little camp tour. There's hazy's little bed. There's a little dog's bed on the floor. There's a little rain collection up there. Here's my beautiful... Look at that. Hammock. I didn't even get into my sleeping bag at about four in the morning. So when I'm camping in winter, I have a sort of shiny foil base thing that goes in there to stop, because you lose all your heat. As the winds whipping underneath it, you lose your heat downwards. But then that... Sometimes I have a wool blanket as well, but honestly, I didn't even get into that sleeping bag. I was just in my clothes with a fleece, like a winter coat thing, like a little jacket. I was fine all night. So last night, we did a podcast around the fire, but we told ourselves we wouldn't drink, like at all, until we'd finished the podcast. Then we started drinking as we started the podcast, and we... I think for COVID, had... for reasons of, you know, like, trying not to infect each other if one of us was carrying it, and let's face it, who do you reckon is carrying it? So what we did was, we thought, let's have a bottle of wine each. So we're not sharing a bottle of wine, and then basically drank a bottle of wine each. Although actually, I've got about a quarter left, but Hazy drank it in about five minutes, and became unmanageable again. There's a thing developing. So basically, we woke up, well, we went to bed thinking we'd done a good podcast, and then I woke up with the sort of regret that you have, the sort of panicked regret that you have after drinking. And so I was thinking, oh, shit, I don't think that podcast is good, actually. And then when we analysed it this morning through the Hazy memory, which is pun intended, through the Hazy memory, and hang on, at one point, I was going, guys, gear's really important. I've got a wonderful jacket with a kangaroo pocket. That's a pocket on front of your jacket. You can keep everything in there. It's really good. Boring dad. And Hazy's just like, oh, where's the chicken? I lived underwater. Just in ADHD, kid. So basically our stupid, the worst parts of our personalities came out. There was a part... I think that's just my personality though. Unfortunately. It can be a little bit of management. There's bits where you were, like, actually informative. See, this is the thing. You walk around with Hazy in the woods and he'll say, oh, that's that tree. You can eat those plants. You can eat those berries. There's wild garlic picking stuff. And so he's very knowledgeable. So I'd like to capture some of that. There you are. What are you going to eat out of this? Sure. You don't sleep all night, do you? You sort of wake up. You're aware of stuff. I kept waking up, seeing the fire was still going. Then when it starts raining, you register stuff all night, don't you? Like, if something's moving near, you sort of... And it's not like you're sleeping on edge. You're just... You're not going... But it's true of anywhere where you're sleeping, even if you're in a hotel. If it's a... like a foreign area, your brain won't go into full rent sleep because it's like a survival thing that keeps you alert. So you don't get healthy sleep when you're traveling. You're drinking, I think. I drank four bottles of wine yesterday, but because it's an unfamiliar hotel room, I just didn't... I didn't get rested. I've got a banging headache from all this tension. Can you eat a badger? Have you caught one of those badgers we saw? If one of them just stumbled over and fell in fire, I think about that. I think about foxes and badgers. People would have eaten them back in the day, wouldn't they? But no-one eats them now. Badgers eat meat. They don't, don't they? They eat worms and bugs and stuff. Oh, God. Imagine. Because with squirrels, at least they're just eating nuts and stuff. Squirrel meat's delicious. Yeah, but like, isn't it like when you eat predators, they taste disgusting? Like, if you actually ate bear meat. Bear meat's delicious, apparently. I thought it was toxic and you have to cook it for hours. No. It's a... You get these ones that feed primarily on like blueberries and their meat is tinged blue and it's delicious by all accounts. Everything, at some point, has been eaten, hasn't it? Oh, yeah. I mean, when you... Can you see, like, people starving on that show alone? I love... You just think, oh, like, you get so desperate that, you know, like in a cartoon someone turns into a ham or something when you're starving. Yeah. I reckon you just go into that and you'll start... I watched one episode and they were eating bark, but it was bark that they knew that Native Americans had eaten. With just some news, some calories. Yeah, and it's like the work your body has to do to get the calories out of it because it's bark. Do you reckon you'd ever get that hungry that you'd look at... Like, I'm looking at my feet now and would they turn into little, like, ham? I do sometimes think this. Like, I've Googled this before that if you were starving, could you keep yourself alive by cutting off a leg? If you dealt with a wound properly and then eating your own leg to stay alive, but apparently the energy that your body requires to heal the wound takes more energy than you would get from eating the leg. Yeah, but also the trauma. You could be your body going to shock. If you're in a survival situation, the last thing you need to be doing... I'm going to cut my leg off. I know what I'll do. I'm peckish. I bet someone's done that. Imagine the feeling of regret after you. You know, like, sometimes when you've eaten a meal, you think, ah, shouldn't have eaten that. It was your own leg. I feel a bit to be torn after. Paying for that tomorrow. And now you're eating your other leg. I can't believe I'm doing this. You've got the munchies. Imagine you were in a survival situation. You eat your own leg and then, literally, you hear, hello, hello, someone comes and rescues you. Well, I think that about... When the rugby players crashed into the mountain and they had to eat the pilots first and stuff. Yeah. Why did they eat the pilots first? Because they were dead. Well, a few people died, but they saw it as, well, they crashed the plane sort of thing. Oh, it's brutal. It is brutal. It's like the guy who cut his arm off in the rock and stuff. There is a point where it's like, well, the point of no return. And you're always going to think, right, as soon as I cut this, is someone just going to pop his head over there with, like, a fucking Maltesers or something like that. Yeah. You're too late. That's that film, isn't it? Alive. Alive is a film, yeah. Based on a true story, though. Yeah, no it is, but like, did they sanitize it for the film? Because, like, they must have done this. Because you can't just start eating people without... Raw? Was it raw? I thought, oh, yeah, because they were... And it was frozen, wasn't it? It was frozen within a few hours. So it's like, it's like jerky, isn't it, in a way? I wonder what a human tastes like. It's meant to taste like chicken, isn't it? Would you eat it right? Okay. If they could clone. So it's not actually being sentient. Right, yeah. And it was just like an ass. A lab-grown meat. A lab-grown outer, but it was human. Yeah. And a human ass. Would you eat a human ass? What? Would I eat a human ass if I'd been grown in a laboratory? This is better. I think... No. What? Because, do you know why? I think, like, that would folly you around forever. Everyone would just... That's the only thing that would be... That's like, the footnote of your life would be, he ate a human ass that was grown in a lab. Yeah, but you could really dine out on it, literally. You could travel, talk about it on podcasts. So much to talk about. Content, baby. Film me a human ass. They are talking about lab-grown meat. Just have a mushroom. What's this chicken in the woods stuff I keep hearing about? We should keep our eye out for it because it is a fungus. It's a bracket fungus, which means it grows on trees. And it is the same texture. And it has a taste. It's like chicken soup. That creamy sort of. And the same sort of fibrous texture as chicken. How much? Because when I've seen people getting it, harvesting it, you get a lot. Yeah, you can get big bits, yeah. Is it nutritional? Yeah, mushrooms are the truth, mate. It was me last night. Just a simple tap, and I was just on the deck. I don't think I got done by ticks or anything, but that'll all be found out in the shower. And then... Matthew of Morgan. Look at that. Look at it. And I have a little refugee camp. That's me. Tucked away under there. A little feast for the bugs. The Hennessy hammock. Which is actually... He's modified it as well. On the Hennessy, there's like a pointed bit of plastic-y stuff, right, that hides all the gubbins. I cut that off. Cut off the... Where the rope attaches, there's like whatever that's called, webbing. Like seatbelt material. Put a carabiner through that. And then just use these. They're not that heavy, and they're easy because before it was... This comes out and it's just a rope. And then I had that tied to a little mod I found online where it's like a... You put a tree hugger strap with two right, and then the rope goes through. You go through both, then boot back through one, that thing. But even that, sometimes, it wasn't working. I'm not an expert, so I just thought make it so simple, and this did. It just looks good, doesn't it? It's a side layer for anyone who doesn't know. So the DD hammock which I'm in, you just lay on your back. And I sometimes get night terrors on my back, so it's not good. But this thing, it's a diagonal layer so you can really spread out when you can't hear. I just sleep as well in this as I do in my bed at home. It just looks good, doesn't it? Look at that. The floating triangle. Breakfast has been has helped with the noggings. Now we're going to tidy this up, make sure we leave no trace and then we're going to go find somewhere to dunk our junk. We'll do one of these to tidy up. Boom, and there you go. All squared away. There we go. There's the packs. I'm in the Osprey. Aether, 70 litre. Matt is in the Fjellraven. Kajka, 75 litre. 75 litre. Absolute weapons there. Oh my God! Get on! No, no, no. You fucking... Oh my God! Oh! I'm getting quick. Come on, jump in! For some reason, Matthew decided to do a flying sea bomb. So I've had to talk over this, so it's not to offend your locals. You're so awesome, that's unusable. It's not right on the water because it's... It's clear, yeah. Did you take it to the bottom? What, your bottom? Yeah. It's a good bottom. I'm just floating back. We're going to float back. It's a current. There we go. If you knock yourself unconscious, I will always remember you. I'll come here every year, to this point. Yeah, will you please? Will you wear hot pumps? I'll wear... Oh, I've got them now. When you die, are they going to go to a good home? All right, ready? That sounded painful. Ugh! Didn't look good, did it? Bit of a backflop. It was a very loud bang. It sounded like it hurt. That's how we end it. I don't know how we're going to cut this shower of shit together. But that's it. Job done. We've swam in rivers. We've swam in the sea. We've camped in the woods. We've camped in the woods. We've done it. Out!