 Good health to all from Rexall. Yes, it's Sunday. Time for the Phil Harris Alice Face Show, presented by the makers of Rexall Drug Products and your Rexall Family Drugist. Good evening. This is your Rexall Family Drugist, taking a little time from behind the prescription counter this Sunday evening to speak for all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 drugists who have added the word Rexall to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue Rexall sign in our windows. The sign means that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall Drug Company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin, and they're as fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We recommend them to our customers because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall Family Drugist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Face Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Gail Gordon, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharp and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Today is an average day in the Harris household. Alice has finished the lunch dishes, the children are playing with a new toy, and Phil has just come down for breakfast. Good morning, everybody. Good morning, Phil. Hello, Daddy. Hey. Hey. What do you kids got there? A chemistry set. It's a present from William. He bought it for them this morning. Willie bought something for somebody? Well, since I got him that job with Rexall last week, the boys become a plunger. How much did this set cost them? Ninety-eight cents. The plunger's got a short handle. Ninety-eight cents, huh? That's a fine present for his rich sister's children. Now that he's worked it out, he met the drugstore. Uncle William says he's going to give me and fill us a lot of presents. Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, indeed. For Christmas, I can see him putting two small tubes of dental floss under the tree. Alice, look, a chemistry set is dangerous. They can hurt themselves messing around with that. Oh, it's just a toy, and it's perfectly harmless. They can't get into any trouble with it. No, Daddy. This morning, we made ink with it. You made ink, huh? How was it? It was delicious. You drank it? Alice, do something. Call a doctor. Get a blotter. No, no, no. Don't get excited. Phil, they just tasted it, and I washed their mouths out. They know enough not to do it again. Believe me. Girls, you better go outside and play now. Okay, Mommy. Come on, fill us. Willie, Willie. When he's not doing something to me, he's doing something to my children. Getting him that job was the best thing I ever did. At least now, he won't be bothering me during the day, and it'll certainly be a relief to hear him come in every morning with that. Good morning, Phillip. What did he do? Have a record made? What are you doing here during the day, Willie? I just came from a meeting with Mr. Scott. Scott? Hmm. Who's Mr. Scott? Well, he's a very important man with a Rexall company. He and the other executives were talking about you and your radio show, Phillip. Ah, talked about me, huh? Kind of cut me off a little, huh? What'd they have to say about me, Willie? Well... Come on, tell me what they said. Come on, what do they think of me? You needn't worry, Phillip. You have a contract, and there's nothing they can do about it. Knock off, will you, Levi? Get lost. Go back to the drugstore and stuff cotton in their Aspern bottles. Nothing they can do about it. What do you mean nothing they can do about it? They'd have to be crazy to try to get rid of me. I'm the greatest thing since rubber gloves. Can't understand it. I can't even get to meet this Mr. Scott. How come you got so close to him in only one week? I don't know. I guess he was captivated by my sparkling personality. Captivated? You got a personality that sparkles like a hangnail. There's got to be another reason. Well, of course he was very much impressed with the new bookkeeping system I installed. It's really quite a system. Oh, I'll bet it's just a Jim Dandy. You must explain it to me sometime. Well, I'll be glad to. It's a double entry system. Cease. That's fine. Just close it up right there. Hey, look, let me ask you something. Don't you have to get back to the office? Oh, my goodness. It's almost one o'clock. I'd better hurry. Now, don't worry, Phillip. Next time I see Mr. Scott, I'll put in a good word for you. If I can think of one. Goodbye. Bye, Willie. If I can think of one. Some sharp talk. Kids really getting sharp. Ain't no stopping him since he won first prize for his tapioca pudding at the Pomona Fair. Why are you so annoyed with William? Because I hate apple polishers. That's why. Just trying to get on the good side of the boss. Look, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even trying to get me off of that show. Look, I'll get it. Must be Willie again. Probably forgot something. His beret. I'm getting a little fed up with his coming around all the time, and I'm gonna tell him so. Why don't you stop coming around here bothering me? So? You don't love me anymore. Oh, Frankie, I did. I found out in time before I made a fool of myself. What do you mean before you made a fool of yourself? Before I gave you the ring. Oh, cut out the clown. Well, that's a fine way to greet me. Remly, I'm sorry, and I want to apologize. I thought you were Willie. That's the most insulting apology I've ever seen. What do you so sore Willie about? Well, come on in, and I'll tell you. Let's go in the kitchen. You can have a bite to eat with me. What's it all about, curling? Willie done to you this time. Oh, I don't know. Ever since I got that job at Rexall for him last week, he's been doing everything in his power to impress them with his ability. Mm-hmm. Sit down. Yeah, thanks. Mm, cold chicken. Frankie, look, I got a serious problem. Willie's trying to undermine me with a company. He wants to get me off the show. You're passing mustard. Look, Remly, this is important. Do you realize that if that happens, I'll be out of a job? Frankie, will you pay attention? Okay. Now, look, I got to think of... Pass me some of that stuff first. Oh, here. Look, Frankie. I got to think of some way to stop this guy. Hey, this is wonderful wine. Good vintage. Nice body, very dry. What do you call this stuff? Ink. Ink? Yeah, ink. It's excellent vintage, though. Waterman's 1926. Serves you right. The kids made that stuff with a chemistry set that Uncle Willie gave them. Mm-hmm. Look, Frankie, I've been trying to tell you. Willie invented a new book system or a keeping system for the company. Mm-hmm. And now he's the fair-haired boy with a Mr. Scott, a big man there. I ain't even met the guy. Mm-hmm. Remly, I got to do something to impress the executives. Yeah. Why don't you invent something? Like what? Well, what's the most important thing that Rex all makes and sells? What are they famous for? Drugs. That's it. All you got to do is invent a new drug. That's all, huh? Yep, simple as that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's only one trouble. I'm a little out of practice, you see. I haven't invented a drug for a fortnight now. About nine days. What makes you think they need a new drug? Statistics. He ain't even with the company. That's a lot. How many independent druggists do they got? 10,000. How many drug products do they make? 2,000. All right, you see, that leaves 8,000 druggists without a drug. You must admit that makes sense. They have figures. Hey, Remly, what? Whatever gave you the idea of inventing a new drug? Got a kid's chemistry set and my knowledge of chemical formulae. Formulae? That's Latin. It's female for formulae. You sound like you know what you're talking about. Of course I do. Come on, let's experiment. A lot of things are discovered by chemists just accidentally mixing things together. With my knowledge, we're sure to hit something. Yeah, a lot of things are discovered accidentally. Sure. Let's try. Hey, come on, Frankie. Now, look, let's get the kid's chemistry set. Mix a few things together and we'll see what happens. Early, early, please. We chemists cannot work with a child's implements. We'll need a professional set with test tubes and bunts and burners. You'll have to buy an elaborate set. Okay, Frankie, but you better come with me so I don't get stuck. All right. Hey, I hope this thing works how I'd love to show that willy up. Wouldn't that be something? Well, like the general said, let's get moving. The general? Yeah. Oh, the general said, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. But his noble steed said, no indeed, go get yourself a jeep. Then the general said, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. But his man-a-war just said, what for? And went right back to sleep. Then the general called the captain, told the captain to tell the sergeant to tell the private study personally would lead the charge. Now he made a loud and fervent speech. He made a strong appeal. And he said, good friends, just follow me. I'll lead you through the field. Then the general said, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. But his noble horse said, man, get lost and walk right off the field. Then the general said, giddy up, giddy up, come on. giddy up. But his stallion booed him where he stood and called that gent-a-heel. Then that dare horse come walking by. His noble head held high. And he walked up to the general, hit him smack dab in the eye. And he said, my friend, let's get it straight. Let's get it straight right now. If you think I'm gonna lead a charge, you crazy as a cow. The battle raged and raged and raged. The shells fell all around. But the general's daub and did no bobbin. He just stood his ground. The soldiers fought and fought and fought. The battle was no sense. But the general and his fateful horse, they didn't move an inch. Then the bugler blew his bugle. He just left the fray. The mighty war was over. So they proudly marched away. But the general on his noble mag his face was streamin' tears. Said, I'll make that ol' hay perner move if it takes a million years. Oh, the general said, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. They left him so I'll never know if he ever made that darn echo with his giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. Oh, come on, horse. At least take me back to the officer's club. The general... How much further is this chemo supply stove? It's in this block. A couple of doors down. See now, I want to make sure we get everything. We'll need a couple of dozen test tubes, some mixing pans, Bunsen burners. Oh. What are them burners for? Oh, they're necessary to every chemist. Yeah. Can't burn a Bunsen without them. Besides, if we want to discover a new drug, we'll need them to heat up the ingredients. What are we after? A hot-headed pig pill? How stupid can a man be? When we get in the store, you better let me do the talking. If we don't sound like professionals, they won't sell us anything. All right, pro, you can do the talking. You better start it too. Here comes the clerk. How do you do, sir? What can I do for you? Oh, nothing for me, but my colleague, Madame Curie, wants to buy some. Madame Curie? Pay no attention to Professor Harris. He's been working on the atom bomb, and he's a little radioactive. We'd like to buy the best chemistry set you have. Certainly. Your professional chemists, of course. Please. H20CO2 and Carbon 4 Dioxide 5. And if that ain't enough, Granite 3883. Yes. Can you please show us your most expensive set? Well, very well, if you insist. I have one on the shelf right here. This is the best chemistry set that money can buy. Yeah, this looks adequate. We'll take it. Wait, pro, wait. How much is it, mister? Well, not very much. The cabinet is $20. Hey, bad. Plus the chemicals, which are $165. Huh? Plus the smear slides, plus the culture discs. That'll be a total of $210. $210? Plus 3% sales tax. Hey, bud, do you have a brother working in a packing house who cut up a steer for me three weeks ago? That was me, Professor Harris. I change jobs. I do that quite often. Well, don't ever take a job in a penny arcade. You won't be happy with their prices. Hey, Curly, stop quibbling about price. This is important to you. All right, all right. All right, wrap it up, mister. We won't take it home. Get started. Very well. Oh, a word of warning. If you don't know what you're doing, these sets can be dangerous. No, please. Don't worry about us, bud. By the way, we'll also need some test tubes and mixing pans. Oh, look, and another thing. Throw in a couple of them bunion burners. Hey, Curly, look at all these chemicals and acids we have. Oh, with what we have here, we shouldn't have any trouble inventing something great. Let's get started. Yeah, but, hey, Remly. You think we should be doing this here on the dining room table? This is an expensive piece of furniture. We might damage it. No, not with me handling the stuff. However, if it'll make you feel better, we'll cover it up. Put that tablecloth on. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll just throw it on here, huh? Yeah, there. Ain't no sense taking no chances. All right, now then, let's get started. First, I'll pour a little of this into a test tube. What is it? Hydrochloric acid. Harmless stuff. I'll just pour a little in this test tube. Frankie, be careful. Look, you're splashing it all over the tablecloth. That's all right. We got a lot of it. Sorry, and it won't hurt the cloth. Okay, as long as it... Remly, are you losing compression? Yeah, this burden holds in the tablecloth. That's very weak material. Oh. I'm surprised that Alice buying cheap... Hello, boys. Hello. What are you doing in here? What's that stuff on the... Oh, no. Look at my pure Irish linen tablecloth. Beautiful, intricate lace work, hasn't it? All these bottles on the tablecloth. Honey, it's just a little chemistry set. Well, take it out to the garage and play with it. And if you play real nice, I'll get you boys tinker toys for Christmas. Now, go on. Run along. All right, all right. Let's go out in the garage, pro. Come on. A new drug. I wonder when he'll get to mud pies. I never know what he's going to do. There's only one thing I'm sure of. A little bird told me that you love me. That you love me. And I believe that you do. That you do. This little bird told me I was falling. Really falling. Falling for no one but you. None but you. There's no use denying. I might as well confess. Of all the boys I know, dear, I'm sure I love... A little bird told me that you love me. That you love me. And I believe that it's true. Well, have a pretty cottage. Not too far. All things seem like a movie star. Great Dane Pop will call him ace. Lion there by the fireplace. A goldfish pond and a wishing well. Everything is going to turn out swell. A little bird told her she'd be married. That is true. This little bird also told her when she married. We'll be the proudest couple in the land. Go through life hand in hand. Have a ride your way out west. Pick a spot that we love the best. A peachy king and all is well. Everything is going to turn out swell. And this is true. Love that little boy. Hey Frankie, how we doing? You think we got something here? Shh, don't disturb me. I've got to concentrate. It's coming to a boil. Hey, look, it's changing color. It was pink and purple and now it's changing to orange and blue. Well, then we got it, Frankie. Can't you see it's the perfect drug for Rexall? A pill that's half orange and half blue. I still like pink and purple. Curly, I think we got something here, though. As soon as it cools off, I'm going to pour it and let you have the honor and privilege of being the first one to taste our new drug. Let's reverse that. I'll pour you taste. Oh, but Curly, I'm a scientist. The world needs men like me, but you're expendable. Are you going to be selfish? You're going to think of the world or yourself? Yes. Yes, what? I think the world or myself. Hey, let's face it, we're both afraid to taste this stuff. Yeah. What we need is a human guinea pig to try it out on. Yeah, that's what we need, a guinea pig, somebody who... Hey, what are you two guys doing in the garage? Well, if it ain't Julius, oink, oink, a bruiseal. Julius, my boy, I'm going to give you a chance to become famous. I'm going to let you do something that will make this world a better place to live in. You and you alone, Julius, can make your fellow man very happy. Sorry, I ain't interested. Why not? I ain't going to knock Mr. Harris off. He's asking you to knock me off. All we want you to do is to help us with a little experiment. Experiment? Now, look, kid, Mr. Remley, my colleague, and myself, have just discovered a new drug that will be a boon to mankind. You've discovered a new drug? Yes, sir, and we want you to be the first to try it. Just think, Julius, if it's successful, your name will go down as one of the bravest men in medical history. You'll be a martyr, a man of destiny. Yeah, I'll be a well-famous martyr, says you. Then you'll do it? Are you? What could happen to you? I can drop this. Guarantee, nothing will happen to you. If it does, we'll give you our antidote. No, but we'll face that crisis when it arises. Look, Julius, I'm trying to discover a new drug for my sponsor. If I can show a big shot, like Mr. Scott, that I have his interests as hard-ealing set me, we'll travel around together socially. Shut your breath! You can go steady with Mr. Scott? Julius, look, I poured a little in this test tube. Here, just taste it. Stop shoving it into my head! Ouch, it's hot! Julius, you're dropping it! I think this stuff's gonna be ain't good for headaches. You all right? Yeah, I'm fine. How about you? Yeah, I want one piece. Curly? Yeah. Wasn't Julius standing here a minute ago? I got a swarney wash. Hey, Frankie. You think that maybe... Could be. Oh, well, here today ain't gone tomorrow. Yeah. But he didn't even wait until tomorrow. Little Julius. Too bad it had to happen. It's an accident. I guess I put too much uranium in it. I'm getting out of that stuff. But Julius, we didn't... Big Mr. Remley, this is a nice medical discovery you made. What's it supposed to do? Blow up the germs? Oh, Philip! Oh, no, look, there comes Willie. There he comes, and he's got some guy with him. If he sees what we did, I'll be a laughing stock. He'll tell everybody. I gotta keep him out of the garage. Hey, Frankie, I think I found the use for our drug. You mean... Yeah, now, start pouring, keep pouring, just enough to scare him off. Are you ready? Drop it as soon as they get near the garage door. Oh, Philip, Alice told me... ...that Willie and his friend run. No, we scared the bill, I saw them. Phil, Frankie, what happened? What was that explosion? It was nothing, honey. We just played a little gag to scare Willie and his friend away. Just the harmless prank. Phil, Phil, you shouldn't have done that, especially to Willie's friend. Oh, who's worried about Willie's friend? When will I ever see that guy again? Around auction time. That was Mr. Scott. What? Alice and Phil will be back in a moment. This is your Rexel family drugist again, folks, to tell you... Mister, why do you call yourself a family drugist? Well, Sonny, it's like this. Most of us independent Rexel drugists have been serving families in our neighborhoods or towns for a good many years. In fact, we've seen young fellas like you grow up, get married and start buying drug products for their own families. What does the Rexel part mean? You see that orange and blue Rexel sign in the window? Yeah. Well, that sign means we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexel drug company. Who are they? They're people who have taken years and years to make sure that Rexel products are completely fine and pure and good. They've made it possible for us to tell our customers, people just like your mommy and dad, that you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexel. Can you say that? Sure. You can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexel. Right. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliot Lewis and Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Alice Faye appeared to the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. This is Bill Foreman wishing good health to all from Rexel. Sunday is fun day on NBC. Stay tuned to this station for the Edgar Bergen-Charlie McCarthy show, which follows immediately. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.