 There was not enough physical intimacy but great sexual chemistry so there wasn't cuddling afterwards. After you and I would have sex I would leave and then go to another dude's house who I wasn't having sex with just to cuddle. And I was like maybe at the time I thought I would like to find someone I could combine the two together but now I kind of think that was part of why it works so well. Today we're here to talk about how to not get f***ed by your f*** buddy and it features my OG f*** buddy, Jared Brady. Let's do it. As the name states which I got you that shirt so I'm very happy to see you wearing it. You did, you did, it feels good too. I was going to make fun of it but then I was like ah you bought it for him so uh slow your roll there I was going to say a f*** boy would wear a name a shirt with his last name on it. Yeah that's true too. It is true yeah but there we go I still love you. I know you guys are listening right now and you want to hear more about how to have sex and not get attached but before we get into more about that here's a message for my sponsor Squarespace. It's a new year and the perfect time to remind you that now is the time to bring your next big idea to life and if you're going to do a big do it with the sponsor of this video Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one platform to build a beautiful powerful online presence today so go to squarespace.com slash sham booty to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain again that's squarespace.com slash sham booty get 10% off. The reason why I thought this topic would be very pertinent right now is I was actually on a podcast talking about this yeah and this is a theory that I have let me know if you agree or disagree that because of the times that we're in right now so the IFS had this study that said that one in four single women have not had one sexual partner in the past two years so that's 25% of single people who are sexually active are deciding the past couple of years I'm not going to be sexually I'm chilling yeah furthermore I work with Bumble I have access to their stats yeah and they found that 53% of users were consciously single right now meaning they're like I am very happy with where I'm at right now I'm very happy by myself I am very happy not having a romantic partner right now I'm chilling so when I put those two things together I look at it like people because of the pandemic might still be figuring out their life they might have moved to a new city or move jobs or move visions whatever it is there a lot of changes happen and as a result partnership is not like at the top of their mind but I feel like we all have sexual needs of course you might come a time where you're like yeah I can't like invest my time and energy in a romantic partner but I could definitely make space on Tuesday at 11 p.m for someone to come by for 45 minutes or so yeah do your thing get it get getting on popping what do you think I'm for it you know as long as you know both people are mutually agreeing to this and like we all know what it is it's gonna be a good time and that's the thing is to make it a good time I feel like you have to be strategic with it right because you're basically recreationally engaging in something very addictive yeah and that can be hard to do yes but I think that in the past I have done it successfully I know that with you I definitely I'm not going to say that because to be honest with you this is where I kind of get caught up in my expertise on this my anecdotal expertise right that you were my first very successful foot buddy right but what's your metric yeah I was gonna say what's your metric because well I've had others in the past but what if what if we didn't full on get into a relationship I don't gauge our success on our progress okay I gauge our success on how pleasurable and reciprocal immutable that time period was and that's what I'm trying to give to other people a pathway yeah or a formula or some suggestions the comment section will also maybe have other people chime in what do you do to ensure that these compartmentalized relationships stay in their lane hey the f-boy playbook I'm just kidding step one step one selecting the right buddy that's tough it's tough only because I find that there's two things that come into to the tears of the toughness one finding somebody who's going to respect that honesty and I think that you're just a wild boy and so when I come into a new situation and I'm like hey I would love to just be fucking around and then most of the time what I would think the response would be would be like no I'm not even gonna do that um because there's society pressures on the man and there's society pressures on the woman the woman inside it's like you don't respect yourself if you're open to this and on the men's side is just you're just a fucking player if you want this and you have issues but finding that balance of like being honest without being judged and vice versa that to me is the magic of any relationship though yeah that there's billions of people on this planet and that you can find somebody who you're like I gel with you we're in the same place in life you know we're attracted to each other we have the same values with the same long-term goals our lifestyles are at least cooperative they don't have to be identical but at least they kind of work together we flow that's the whole point if you're honest yet it can be hard to find but that's what you're looking for yeah you're not setting someone up here's where it was difficult for me okay because I mentioned this to you many times before that I was very intentional about looking for a fuck buddy I think that's actually very helpful too I think when you get into a place where you're clear which is why I'm speaking to the people who are consciously single and who are saying I know I don't want a relationship because if you kind of want a relationship it's almost as if you're like oh man I really need a CEO but I'm going to hire a janitor for now yeah you're like I don't really need a janitor but I knew I just needed a janitor I needed a cleanup crew yeah that I was not in a position I was my immigration's on the fridge I was coming out of a not so great relationship I had a lot of healing to do I couldn't work legally at the time yeah I was not in a position to build with somebody but I did want physical pleasure it was hard for me to find that compatible person though do you think and this is just a question um do you think that we had a successful uh f-buddy relationship because you didn't see me as a potential mate yeah so is there is there something that maybe the other person has to have like some qualities that you know are not in your in your in your realm yeah it's kind of like because I think about it like if you thought somebody was great and you're having great sex would it be hard to you know not want more yeah I think everybody I say this I was auditioning people for the role of f-buddy and my auditioning process was just like have somebody over vibe with them make out receive pleasure I had a cut off point which I was very clear about on terms of like where I was willing to reciprocate I would always let friends know that I had somebody coming over and always create a space of accountability there is danger in doing that so people should be aware of that because I was always bringing people into my space yeah I never went to somebody else's space but yeah I was kind of doing this sort of okay let's just see if I feel like there's something there and I can't even think of anybody who I saw like potential in for more it was mostly that I didn't feel we had the sexual chemistry you and or just other people other people with you I had felt the sexual chemistry I did not feel you had the other compatibility yeah I did so I think that plays a role into it so step one feel fucked up and you'll be able to work no I'm just kidding no but choosing the right person is a real deal I think you have to also know engage that other person like can they handle this and and really ask that person have honest dialogue with that when I met you were you consciously looking for a consistent sexual partner I don't think I consciously was looking for that I think my lifestyle was looking for that and I think that even prior you like I had one-sided successful friends of benefits because there would always become there always come a point where either they wanted more or I wanted more but I think a lot of that had to do with I was very self-aware of where I was at in life so when I started like you know when you and I started having friends of benefits I knew that I wasn't a potential candidate so I didn't even like put you in the category in my head of like I have a chance with this woman it was like no take what you can get bro be grateful do good at your work and go home you know and if something arises out of that then that's cool but I think that helped me in that transfer was like knowing that I got some work to do and I'm not fit for a relationship right now and so when we actually got to start actually messing around I think that helped my help me manage my expectations step two so you found somebody we have great sexual chemistry with pretty much ends there sexually attracted to as well step two is what setting up some boundaries to really know that hey these are my triggers that make me get into relationship in or relationship mode and so for me it was I never slept over there wasn't like crazy in-depth conversations about life and things that would connect us on an emotional level and we really focused heavily on what is the sexual compatibility part I think for me yeah no I remember we talked very early on about our sexual fantasies like we came together in essence like how do we have the best sex possible yeah but we didn't talk about how do we be great partners for each other or even good friends for each other yeah and I really enjoyed that element of things I had some firsts with you very early on but I could think again because we were so intentional about like we're here to have really good sex together the boundaries thing was huge and I actually had the aha and the idea for this episode because I was on another podcast and I was talking about you know my desire to constantly assess if people are serving me or not and that like kind of cut off backdoor you can always leave mentality I used to have and the person was like oh yeah I guess you didn't have that with Jared at all even when you were fuck buddies I was like no no I majorly had it when we were fuck buddies I was always like was that a good time and is he getting better am I enjoying myself and I hit a place in our connection where there was not enough physical intimacy but great sexual chemistry so there wasn't cuddling afterwards so I mentioned to him after you and I would have sex I would leave and then go to another dude's house so I wasn't having sex with just to cuddle yeah and I was like maybe at the time I thought I would like to find someone I could combine the two together but now I kind of think that was part of why it works so well the thing that drawed us together was the sexual compatibility and then if you start other adding other blocks to that is where things get sticky here's the thing oxytocin which is the bonding hormone actually releases in its highest amount not in orgasm or during sex but in post-sex cuddling so by avoiding that with you and by taking that and cuddling with somebody else I wasn't forming you know other attachments to them so it was a way for me to like compartmentalize the two in a way that might have been difficult if I tried to combine them step three hey don't read into things that's hard to do you've had that response to every step this is hard I think I think we got lucky we got I don't think I got lucky I think I was very intentional and very mindful and I was lucky to find somebody who was in the same space and yeah the reason I that's not even luck to me because the reason I chose you as a sexual partner is because you were curious and open-minded yeah and as I always tell the story I knew you were going to be my fuck buddy because when I looked down at you when we were first fooling around you had the look of like a painter on your face or like a conductor like you were completely in tune like listening like you weren't thinking what's the next five things I'm so used to being with men in particular who are like what's the next step I'm supposed to do what's the next face I'm supposed to make what's next sound I'm supposed to stay like it was all very predictable but with you I was like no he's truly authentically present in the moment and responding to things as they are and I really liked that and I think that actually is reflective of how you were in the relationship and how you still are to this day but overall I think again going back to this podcast it was on it was like well you obviously have to care about your fuck buddy a little bit if you're going to be a good fuck buddy because you want them to get pleasure so that's an indicator that you actually have feelings for that person oof that's where people fall into the trap because what people don't really realize is that sex is an ego boost and a lot of times especially in the f-boy relationship oh f-boy I keep saying that that's not what I mean in an f-buddy relationship that person is coming into the relationship selfishly at some point they really only want this out of somebody and that's where it's at I know for me when I entered the relationship and I really wanted to be good in bed I was coming in wanting your pleasure to be a priority but not because I really wanted your pleasure to be the priority it was because I wanted to feel good about myself I also wanted to learn something and I wanted to just take in all the information that I could and please you to please my ego unfortunately I guess and the good thing is that you get pleasure as well yeah you know but if you read into that you might be thinking all these other guys are just in it for themselves and it's one guy takes really care about what I'm reacting to and he's focused on that he must care about me because he care about my pleasure but if you dive under that and go a little deeper he really cares about his ego yeah I think the same thing from my perspective was it wasn't so much that I cared about you but I cared about proving to myself that I could be a good sexual partner and I talked about this on my episode with kray how it's important to note that if you're not in practice of some doing something you're not going to be able to kill it when your time to perform really matters so if you're being a lackadaisical selfish partner when you meet the person who you actually want to impress because you want to further the intimacy and you want them to know that you care if you only ever looked out for yourself in the bedroom you're not going to magically know how to be in tune with somebody else so it's about taking the skills that you want for when you're in the big leagues yeah and doing that in the practice gym yeah so you were my practice gym and so I wanted to be really really good again not because like I foresaw that we would be where we are today but because I was like well shit I'm here anyways I might as well be as great as I possibly can be final step so you've now had a successful fuck buddy relationship round of applause it's worked out you guys have great sex you're prioritizing communication around what you like what you don't like you're challenging yourself to get better you're learning to that person you're not letting your ego take over and as furthermore your emotions aren't taking over yeah and it's making it a good time it shouldn't be hard to assess whether or not you have a successful fuck buddy relationship because you should just ask yourself do I feel good I'm around this person and when I'm not around them if the answer is yes to both it's great that's like I was talking to cray and he was like when people are around me they love it I'm like yeah but when they're not they hate it yeah so it's not a successful relationship it kind of has to be like all around when I'm not with you I reflect and I'm like that makes me happy yeah and when I'm with you I feel happy and then if I don't this is so compartmentalized and small it's very easy to find somebody else to just swap out yeah my criteria is not so vast where it's good like to find another you at this point would be yeah damn near impossible but to find a Jared Brady when I first met you at the time I could have found somebody else I had sexual compatibility with for sure so there was a swap out mentality there that happened yeah but what if you're in a place where it feels logical to further the intimacy I think it's just the same foundations that you guys came together with with the honesty should be there as well I think a lot of times kind of going back to your first point or the three points ago about not reading into something what people do is they think of it from their perspective so if I came and watered your plants some might deem that as you're furthering the intimacy now and now you want more than just an f-buddy relationship and so just being upfront with what you're feeling and how you're feeling is the best way to go because then you can know like all right I can let myself fall into this because we're on the same page or if the person's like no actually I watered your plants but that's that's it yeah we're not moving forward any other way I like where we are now and that's why you can go okay let me assess this should I continue this because now I kind of am in a space where I want somebody more I think that normalizing this as a healthy style of relating to somebody is a positive thing I think that early on in my sex educator career I was very negative about them yeah and I didn't think that they were possible I definitely think they were favorable especially for women but that's because all of my previous f-buddy relationships and ones that I often heard about so often where people wanted something from somebody they weren't getting it for some reason they had sex with that person maybe they didn't even totally want to not say that it was you know non-consensual but if they fell into a sex relationship with that person it was like ah we might as well just keep doing this because I already did it but the sex wasn't great and they left feeling like less because they were getting less than what they actually wanted from that person to begin with so for that reason I was like these are not positive but now based on the experience I had with you and based on talking to people who've had more positive experiences and then just reading more about the psychology of attachment and evolutionary psychology and why we attach to people and commitment structures I'm like it is very very possible yeah like you've mentioned all throughout it is difficult and difficult it's not a the right work because it makes it sound as if the relationship itself is hard the work you have to put in in terms of putting the parameters up finding the right person and then checking yourself that can be hard work but it can also be super super enjoyable and enriching yeah and and I'm struggling to come up with that analogy but it's kind of like we went to that we're like we went to that universal water world there's a lot of pyro and fire and jumping into water and doing some dangerous stunts and on the outside looking in you're like a average person probably can't do these stunts and they probably burn themselves to death or they fall but they know exactly their marks they know where to go and so if the they know that there's an explosion happening over here I have to be x amount of feet away to know that I'm not going to get burnt you'll feel the heat but you're not going to get burnt and so as just as long as you're going into the relationship with that knowing your boundaries and knowing where you need to stand so you don't get hit with that fire you'll be good are you smiling because you feel like you stuck the landing on this analogy no you really you really put your foot in that yeah yeah that's good I think we should end there okay I'll give you the last word all right deal you look great today do baby is that a compliment from you it's a compliment thank you beautiful thank you so it's 2022 and we are thrilled to continue our partnership with Squarespace a service that we've been using for the past four years so I used it to build my website I used to build my book website and recently Lauren used it to build her website Squarespace is user-friendly even for me who's not a coder I find it really easy to customize you have a beautiful template selection you have blogging tools and amazing in-depth analytics and if you have a mailing list look into switching over to Squarespace because it is way more cost-efficient and has more modern templates than other mailing list providers go to Squarespace.com slash Shamboody to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain again that is Squarespace.com slash Shamboody to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain