 So a semi-last-minute edition, so I was super stoked to be here because I absolutely love this area especially, and I really applaud what Touring's doing. I really, really do. So just have a curiosity. Raise your hand if you are a part of the Touring family, someway, somehow. Okay, just if you haven't had a chance, look around. And then when you have a chance, point your attention to somebody who helped make that possible, truly. And the team over here, I mean, really applauded that community that's been creating this. It really is a fantastic thing, and it's a great, great thing. Today what I want to talk about is the thing that some of us appear to be blessed with, and others of us tend to fear more than life itself. And that's confidence. Nope, that's confidence. So I have pure curiosity. Well, so as I understand it, this is the second day of course. Well, I know it's the second day of course. Now raise your hand if you've been here both days so far. Okay, fantastic. So if you've been here both days, I didn't see it. Put your hand up. Okay, now if you've been here both days, I want you to stand up if you have written code for, let's say a week or more. A week. I want you to stand up if you've written code for a week or more. Okay, but you put your hand down now. I feel like I want you to put your hand down. I want you to stay standing if you've written code for a month or more. Fantastic. Let's go for a year. A year or more. You've written code for a year or more. Okay. Wow, still quite a few. Okay, this is interesting. Let's go to two years. Okay. All right, still quite a few. This is very interesting. All right, let's go. Let's jump to five. Five years. Five years or more. Okay. All right. All right. Ten years or more. Wow. So ten years or more. A decade or more. Let's go 15 years or more. Okay. All right. So 15 years or more. People, 15 years or more. Now, let me ask you. I want you to raise your hand if you feel like you've learned something over the last couple of days. Wow. That's amazing. Impostors. All of you. You mean to tell me that you learned something after 15 years and two days? Would they do not know anything before that? This is absurd. 15 years. How is that possible? Haven't you had enough time? You write rentals. This is ridiculous. What do you do? Sit in a room and just from time to time pass and then come in and go, no, I know something. I swear. Come on. 15 years. This is ridiculous. You don't have to build all the confidence. You don't know everything at this point. You guys are all imposters. This is ridiculous. Sit down. All of you. People, 15 years. That's just astounding to me. Well, here's the thing. I've got a theory about confidence and we're going to test whether or not over the next, of course the next 35 minutes or so, whether or not my theory might be hypothesis. Well, it's any water whatsoever. My hypothesis is this. That confidence is not the result of belief in time. It is not. That's just what you feel because that's the conscious side of it. But in fact, confidence is the result of a brain habit and routine. The more habit you create, the more routine you create, the more likely you are to feel confident about it. So let me run another question by many of you. Have you 15-year liars out there imposters? I think you are. I want to ask you a question. Of those of you who have written code for a year or more, or any of you for that matter, how many of you have formed a habit around how you place windows on the screens you're writing codes? Look around for a second. Almost all of you have formed a habit around that. Now, I venture to say that there's a degree of comfortability that happens as a result of that, right? You feel quite comfortable about it. I have another theory which is it actually creates a side benefit and that is confidence around things that are indirectly related. So about a year ago, our company, which were a consultancy, we brought on a couple of interns out of code school. They had only, both of them coincidentally, had only written code in any way, shape, or form over the last three months. And so they were going through a one-month internship. And of course, the first week, I was noticing a couple of interesting things, which was that they found themselves tripping up over things that they had experienced, oh gosh, probably a hundred or more times prior to that. And this isn't new, and so they're no blame or shame. I was just really curious by it because at the same time, the same sort of error or instance might happen for somebody that had, let's say, more time, right? But they were tripping over the same thing. Now they didn't know what the error meant all the time. They couldn't always jump to the right conclusion and fix that thing. But they had a routine that they kept following. And so I found it really curious to be in. So we tried to experiment with this a little bit. And I wanted to see, was there anything that had any side correlation? And what I noticed was something that I thought was interesting, but couldn't quite tie the two together. And that was that I noticed that those that had less time or experience working their code, their windows were just all over the place. Scattered messes. Some were new windows, some were tabs, some were behind other things. And so they had no context at any point in time. I asked the same question and looked at our team. It was like for those of them who had spent more time, right? And looked and see, well, what were the things that they hadn't come in? And this was one of those things that they had a routine. They had a habit behind the placement of objects on the screen. Going even a step further, they had a habit around the color in their editor. They had, if they were a VIM or an Emacs user or any of that kind, they had a habit around their key bindings. And the moment any of that got thrown off, it was like you could have blown up the planet, everything was over. Right? If any of you have any association to writing Rails, I'm curious what happens in the community when you change a publicly available method. It's crazy. It's just like all of a sudden Rails doesn't work. The whole thing is blown up and I have to go back to ground zero again. Because what we do is we create habit around things. We create habit around these things. So on one side of the coin, you can say, well, habit is dangerous because it locks us in dramatically in the process. But there's another side of the coin which is can we use it to our benefit? Can we do something with it that amplifies our effectiveness? Allows us to expedite the learning curve and be more impactful and more powerful and ultimately more confident in what we do even with less time. Right? So time just becomes corollary and not causal. Now this is something you can see time and time again. So for those of you who don't know, I'm not a sports ball person, but this sports ball player, Steph Curry, is one of the best, if not the best basketball players in history. And recently, well, at the time when we were talking, it was recent, but now it's been, he had given, he was on a streak to beat the free throw, excuse me, the continuous... There it is, sports ball. He was going to get the sports ball and the round thingy in the net part consistently from the consistent line 49 or more times. And as he was coming up on that record, he was asked the question, you ever get nervous, do you feel it? And his response was really quite simple, or not. Honestly, the pass gate is the first time I've actually thought about it. Since I haven't missed one, it's on my mind. I'm going to be more laser focused on the mechanics and the rhythm of shooting free throws until the streak is over. It wasn't, oh, I just got to think harder in the corner and I'll be fine. It was like, no, no, no, I've got a process, I haven't had it, and I'm going to follow through with that consistent. I don't know if you've heard this, but recently here in 2018, this woman had, you know, her name is Tammy Jochols and she was a fighter pilot, one of the first Navy fighter pilots ever introduced into the Corps. And at the time, she had spent a lot of time in the Naval Reserve and after she had retired, she had joined Southwest Airlines. And last year, Southwest Airlines had a really interesting thing happen which was quite unfortunate but really fascinating what resulted of it and that was that on the left side of the plane, the engine had blown up causing shrapnel to shoot through the plane, creating a hole, depressurizing the entire cabin of the plane. So the plane started to go down for obvious reasons and she as the captain of that plane had to get that thing landed safely. Now if you haven't had the chance, go online and listen to flight recording. It's one of the most fascinating things possible. Now unfortunately, what most people comment about is how calm she sounds. What I find so amazing is how calm she sounds, right? I mean, she's got a literal hole in the side of the plane, an engine totally down, reports of somebody having been sucked out and possibly dead, and she has an entire passenger, a manifest of people that have gotta make it safely to the ground. That's her job, get them to the ground safely. And if you listen to the recording, what you hear is something I find very boring yet really fascinating and that is a consistent routine through the process. There's no motion, it's just the practice. Same thing applied. Now when asked, what did you feel about it? Oh, and here's an image of it by the way. Just imagine sitting on the actual left. In fact, I was flying, when I was flying out here, I was in the seat that had that view on a southwest fucking ticket. Woo! Okay. Yeah, that's a variety of the talk. So I looked at the guy next to me. It's 1 a.m., I got in very late. It's 1 a.m., I am this slide on the screen. And that's our angle order. Yeah, on a southwest flight. Yeah, it was awesome. She said this, we knew from our training and took the knowledge that we had, pooled it, and used our system of knowledge, and it worked well. That was the response to it. The third is this gentleman. His name's Alex Honnold. Now, again, this is a climber. He's a world-renowned climber. He arguably one of the best, if not the best in the world. In 2017, he did something that was really astounding. Now, this year is El Capitan in New 70, and El Capitan is a 3,000-foot sheer granite cliff on all sides. It's basically one large sheet of glass is what it is on all sides. It's known in the rock climbing industry as the pinnacle, the crown jewel of rock climbing because of its sheer challenge. Now, I don't know how many of you are picturing if you're a rock climber at all. Okay, so there's a handful of you out there. I did not know this, but what I had learned recently was that rock climbing difficulty is rated on a various scale, where anything above a number of five, so five point so-and-so, is considered world-class. That is a five-ten and above for the most part. So climbing it is, by all accords, impossible for most people. That's what it feels like or senses like. Now, here's what's wild. It's a 2017, so just a year and a half ago. He did it free solo, which means he had no ropes or safety gear with him. 3,000 foot, most difficult climb known in the rock climbing industry, and he did it without any safety gear. He's about 2,000 feet up right here. Now, what recently, and this is why I'm bringing it up, is there was a documentary made by National Geographic, and it just won the Academy Award. If you haven't seen it, watch it, because I found something to be so fascinating, which was the topic of risk. The way that this gets climbed is things are mapped out. So, what's felt, and actually let's find out, raise your hand if you thought when you heard that somebody free-sold this that they were batshit crazy. Right? I venture to say that the reason why you define it as such is because the thought comes to mind of like, why would you ever just climb up like that? Right? Like what are you doing? Well, the reality is that's not how that happens, right? He had climbed these routes more than 40 times. This is totally familiar terrain to him. On top of that, he had trained with other individuals that were even more well-renowned for climbing this rock fence. Now, what he did, and the way rock climbing works as far as mapping, is that you map a terrain, a climb, and it's very much mapped. And what you do is you rate it by what's called a pitch, and a pitch is an extension of rope. Okay? You have pitches that are effectively journeys from A to B to C, you know, C, D, and so on and so forth. And they're rated and whatnot. But they're treated just like a map you would on, you know, walking down the street here, but vertical and sheer. Now, what was awesome about it was there's a chunk called the boulder problem, and it's pitch 29. So very hot. We're about 2,000 plus feet at this point. And it's called the boulder problem, and it's considered the hardest of the whole route, and this is a free rider. There's many different routes on this rock face that are very, very large, but the one they chose is called free rider, and there's this chunk called the boulder problem. Now, here's the thing with the boulder problem, is there's two options, and he's going to go over, and I'm going to show a video right now where he's processing how to get through the boulder problem. And I want you to pay very close attention to two things, neither of which are he's 2,000 feet in the air. The first is listen to the language, the words that get used, and the mental problem to account for risk. And then, the process of determining whether or not one option over the other makes the most sense. But the boulder problem has a 10 foot section that's incredibly difficult. It's a very intricate sequence. You've got your right hand on a crimp, left hand on a side hole, and then you put your right foot on this dimple thing. Right hand goes up to a small downpour on a crimp, left foot goes into a little dish, and then you drive up off the left foot into the thumb press. That's the worst hole in an entire room. So you're getting half your thumb on a hole. And you're rolling your two fingers over the thumb. Switch your feet. Left foot stems out of this really bad sloping black foothold. Switch your thumbs. And then reach out left to a big sloping red-lobed type hole that feels kind of green. From there, either karate kick or double-dino tune edge on opposite wall. In some ways, it makes more sense to do the big two-handed jump because you're jumping to a good edge so there's actually something to catch. But the idea of jumping without a rope seems completely outrageous. If you miss it, that's that. If you haven't seen the documentary, it'll make you pupper like that. I can't say I walked away to keep people sitting in the last match. But what I was blown away by and the documentary is full of this is detailed explanations as to how to mechanically do the route. It wasn't go up a little bit kind of to the right and if it feels precarious, go a little more to the left. In an interview that he had in one of the late night talk shows, he was asked how planned is it and the answer was extremely reversed. So much so that the 3,000-foot vertical ascension was every single hand motion was totally planned. In fact, in the documentary he shows a climbing note where he quite literally writes out every hand position that he's going to have the entire route up. On top of that, at the end of the documentary it says this thing that I think really hits everything on my head for me, which is expand my comfort zone and work through the fear until it's just not scary anymore. There's always something that has to give you the confidence. Sometimes the confidence comes through preparation and rehearsal. So in the free soloing world and I've come to realize this it's one of the only representations where perfection is almost a thing because the alternative is almost certain depth. So to be able to do it and to achieve it is almost a representation of perfection. The question is, is perfection the derivative of your ability to believe that you are perfect or is it the derivative of many other factors that are in fact planned and prepared? And in the case of this I think it's very clear that it's that. So I'll say it again that confidence is not the result of belief in time. Now, when we talk about it that way we often refer to it that way but I think you'll consistently find that if you sort of dig into those people that appear, either feel or don't feel confident one way or the other you're going to start to notice that what is consistent among all of them is their routine, whatever that happens to be. Now that's not to say that their routine is perfect that's okay but more that they happen and that routine is there. So if you want to explain that curve that's a recommendation. Now, I'll prove it to you that routine matters and that it helps kind of keep the monkey mind out of the way. So how many of you have ever driven a car? Okay, quite a few of you can see we've got this hand-raising thing down. Very good, very effective, I love it. Now, if you're like me when I started, when I was 16 years old driving a car I mean, yes I had watched my parents and friends and family and went out and drive a car a thousand times so I had an idea for how it worked but I tell you what, the first time I was in that car and I was white and up gold gripping that thing I don't know if you were like me but I was freaked out. My confidence was about that big right? At least that was for me maybe not for you but it definitely was for me. So this was when I was 16 I'm living my mid 30s now and a couple of years back I was actually going to visit a good friend of mine Nadia over here to the left or D3bug as you covered and put it to now these days and this happened. Yeah, I just went back 20 years in my life to that moment when I was pretty certain I was going to die. Yeah, now here's what's interesting about confidence and here's what's really fascinating about routine and I would imagine this happens whenever you change something up in an editor or you're learning a new code base instantly what you're bringing will do is it will take prior experiences it will layer them over top on another similar to how Tammy Joe explained bringing together experiences from her naval training and her southwest training and then the teams experience bringing them together and what you start to discover as you start to find out what's the same and what's different. So you look at this and it's like well the brain quickly goes the same. The wheel functions the same way the dials and dashboard is effectively the same accelerator, clutch all of those are effectively the same. I mean even the dashboard controls are the same they're just on the other side but they're still the same and this auditing process that the brain goes through is pretty rapid. If you can get exceptionally good at acknowledging that and running that process how to filter those two together then you're going to find that you can expedite the curve and you can shorten that quite dramatically and in the case of this I didn't die you're right on today this is quite nice right. Now there's a gentleman that you may or may not have heard of his name is Eugene Pollock. So here's the deal with Eugene is he was 59 years old in the late 50s and Eugene had traveled abroad and while he was abroad he had contracted this bacteria that had caused a condition that damaged a part of his brain so from it was 1960 I believe it was the year it was 59 and a half that's the part I know for sure so from that point forward he had no idea more than 90 seconds had passed he had zero short-term memory now of course as time progresses and in individual ages there's a lot of things that you kind of have to remember in his case that his daughter had children and grandkids well because he had no short-term memory he never knew that she had kids so every time people come over it was like fresh 90-second cycle but here's what they discovered started to be quite interesting and really unfortunate at the same time was every time that she would leave he would get frustrated because he felt like she had just got there like where is she going she just got here because he had no memory of longer than 90 seconds now what was fascinating about it was that you'd think if he didn't have a memory longer than 90 seconds that his level of little anxiety and his level of frustration would effectively be relatively the same every time right but it wasn't progressively it got worse his frustration grew over time so neuroscience started to beat this up a little bit trying to analyze like why would that be the case if he had no memory why would he have emotional kind of cognition limited towards that like why would that happen and what they discovered was this that the brain has two very distinct areas that control short-term and long-term memory think about it like random hard drive random standard hard drive so short-term memory gets locked into place and what happens is the brain treats it as obviously very rapid access but it's very conscious access it's stuff that you think about you can very you can very quickly access and then there's another portion of the brain that kind of lives in the zone of the long-term what they discovered was this that the repetition of his daughter coming and going and the emotion associated to it was migrating from what will be considered short-term memory in his brain to long-term memory he was basically there was a habit that was forming around time and time again and he had emotions that were bound to that now later a little later on as he started to age doctor for concern about his health and they wanted to look out well how can we sort of change some eating habits and patterns the problem was he had a habit that sort of sucked and it was this his habit was that he could get up in the morning after his learn went off he'd walk into the kitchen he'd make bacon and eggs he'd eat it make a cup of coffee drink it and go back to bed then what would happen he'd wake up go into the kitchen make bacon and eggs he'd do it three or four times before the sun got so high that he assumed that he'd just slept in too long so they started to look at what could we do what could we change what they found was curious about the kitchen scenarios that even after he had moved he and his wife had moved to an entirely new place that even though he would have no conscious memory of the kitchen like he couldn't tell you where the house was even located he sure as that couldn't give you a map of it and he couldn't tell you where the eggs were in comparison to the refrigerator right he could walk in every single time every single time and so the same thing applied that the habit and routine would move themselves and kind of circumvent what would commonly happen which is moving to short term memory and then migrate their way into long term memory so this is something that we can do for ourselves that there are things that we do every single day habits and routines that are under consciously caused by ourselves or things that are happening around us that we can then use to our advantage so in other words if you want to be better at something even if you don't feel confident about it now you can instill a habit that will put you down down a path where you have created a reversal of routine so that the fear and the fear out of the feeling of not scarcity but the fear that you have around it starts to go away and it's okay okay so here's what this looks like and this is how you can do this so the first thing is obviously to create a routine so creating a routine is simple word of caution don't make it complicated make it really easy right? make it something that is easy to digest easy to understand something that you can do for yourself time and time and time again right? whatever that happens to be but similarly don't make it so vague and so broad that it's not something that has anything that you combine it to so as an example if you said my routine is I'm going to eat every day that doesn't really do you any good but if your routine is I'm going to eat at 11 o'clock every morning and I'm going to eat again at 1.42 you might be getting so specific you just simply can't maintain it but you can create a routine that creates the result that you'd like to have the next is find a trigger and reward so the reward part is something that either you consciously create for yourself or is thrust upon here's what I mean by that is that in the routine habit model there's always going to be a reward on the other end that keeps you committed to that routine or habit it will exist again whether you consciously choose for it to be or otherwise now unfortunately this is where some forms of addiction can come from or at least it can contribute to that which is that we create a habit around let's say taking a smoke break as an example or over eating everything on the plate versus just eating until I'm full whatever that happens to be but you might have a habit associated to one thing that puts you down to the wrong cap the reward is the success of the end the break or feeling full and successful whatever that happens to be but if you can create the trigger or the reward that binds to something that is good for you so if I have a place let's say taking a smoke break with taking a walk and calling my spouse or partner or a good friend of mine or whatever what have not or what not then you can start to create a new trigger and a new routine that feeds a better habit that puts you down a better path you can do the same thing inside of all the other things that you do in Sufferingville and in engineering as well the next is following a plan so clearly if you don't do it then it's pretty much inevitable but it won't consist of a habit so here's the thing that I personally discovered is that if confidence is the result of a great habit and routine then commitment is the choice so if you don't commit to it then it doesn't matter it's all for naught for the most part right now as team leaders this is the thing that whether we realize it or not we're often trying to help still in our teams when we provide support to them is how can we make your life easier and if we create a routine where every time you have a problem I will solve it for you we've created the wrong trigger the wrong reward but if I support you by helping you create the trigger and reward and you developing a routine that meets the goal you want to have then I'm effectively kind of teaching a person to fish versus just getting them fish right so the same kind of rules and principles can apply so for you team leaders that are out there think about that if you're just filling the hole filling the void you're going to create probably the wrong trigger and reward and the wrong routine something that doesn't ultimately serve your team very well but if you can encourage them and empower them to do that for themselves then once they do it obviously they have a greater success someone heck heck and the last and so commonly overlooked which is just celebrated celebrate all the failure celebrate all the success celebrate it we are people that are emotionally driven by a large and if we start to associate a trigger or a negative reward to something then we're more likely to move away from it than towards it so if you as a team leader and you as an individual celebrate things as much as possible this is actually a common strategy with runners that are trying to meet particular times and the strategy is first break the pattern so if they're on a track and they're trying to let's say beat their personal best and they're on a track one of the first steps is get them off that track put them on a totally different track disrupt the pattern so that you can create a new one right and the other one is don't define the end line to them right so instead if a trainer might choose a different approach which is I know where the end line is and I'll tell you when we meet it but until that point I want you to focus on doing your best running your hardest or whatever what not so we can decouple the two from one another and so we create a new reward and a new habit that goes along with it okay and then we can celebrate when we succeed and then of course the last step I mean not of course but the last step is to refine and iterate you can always change it right the most important part is that there is a routine or habit whatever that happens to be so if we don't have it then it's more likely that we're not going to start to build on those experiences we're not going to continually improve where we were instead more we'll just end up is you know a little bit here and there and hopefully our mind figures a way to bring it all together and that's the part that we don't want to have happen as much as possible if we can consciously do it then we can kind of put our focus and energy into the thing that really makes it work and so if we refine it and iterate it continually make it better then we're going to be in that position to make that win okay so there's another factor to all of this which is how can we expedite this curve so even though I don't believe that time experiences are so how can we shrink this element right how can we make this happen a little bit faster for all of us so let's run something and if you've seen this before I'm going to ask you not to participate but if you haven't then this should be fun so let's try and experiment around perspective in context okay so I'm going to show you three symbols and I want you to tell me what three numbers these represent how about the first one no there we go okay so I want you to really capture this okay these three these are three individual numbers there's no trick to that it's three truly three numbers one through nine okay three numbers here you go capture in your head okay ready there's your key lines and partial like circles here so let's try this again ready there you go I'm sorry let me help you out a little bit how about I give you a touch of perspective okay how about now how about this number why are you so fast this is amazing how about that number this is astounding this is amazing seventy four I mean wow can you believe how fast you learn that that this is happening right so if I was to show you that again how quickly do you think you can capture okay so here's the important thing is perspective provides expedites the curve that's what expedites the experience right so it's super important whenever we're learning something new that we understand why something is the way that it is I find that this is one of the most valuable things that comes from reading source code it's just I can start to understand why something is the way that it is I don't have to agree or disagree with it but it helps me give some context and perspective to that decision similarly one of the most powerful things that a team a software development team can do is write really comprehensive context aware gig commit messages because this can give the narrative to why something is the way that it is and it expedites that curve it allows us to learn something more quickly and more rapidly instead of just saying oh no that's just the way that it is so more recently we have a new set of interns that are working with our company we're building out this simple like initiative tracker as their project but we're really cautious of the fact that we wanted to try and fit as much of the project into the plans we could we didn't want to sort of like leave it sort of stuck but we had this interesting situation which was we had user accounts and we were curious as to whether or not they had enough information around how to integrate either device or some sort of authentication model to be able to allow them to do that and so we ran into this real interesting thing where like well if they don't know at what wrap at what might be like what if we just had a bunch of unique URLs for at least the time being and then we could blow that up and slide something else into place what happened really fast was we realized that there was almost all of that context had to be relayed because immediately once we started the institute that is the team they ended up down a whole different set of radicals right because there wasn't any context as a why one decision over the other so the same thing can apply so the thing about this context is so powerful because it really expedites that that experience alright so I've said this a million times but I'll say it again so results are in confidence as the result of successful routine and commitment is the choice so we commit to it we're more like well it's the only possibility it's the only conscious choice that we're going to have to make to follow through with it and the more we can do that consciously the better for themselves all the better for them now I have a survey that if you are open to it I would love your participation in it but I'm not going to send you a bunch of stuff but I'm very curious as to what is it that you do to feel confident so if you could write this down and at some point in time it's short it's less than five minutes and I just ask some simple questions about what are some routines and habits that you have maybe what are some things that you'd like I work for a company called SEAL and we're a consultancy web mobile applications consultancy and what we primarily do is we work with teams to instill confidence into their process so we don't replace teams we don't do projects on the side with the teams we work with we want to work really harmoniously with them to really address these topics but the last thing I'm going to do with you is this so I want all of you to stand up for a second morning I don't want you to find a partner move around a little bit if you need to be a trio of car mirrors your car mirrors that's great okay so here's what I want you to do okay so what I want you to do is I want you to give each other a high five a really good high five okay so I want you to be honest I want you to raise your hand if you felt like you sucked you're giving a high five okay so okay so I want you to raise your hand if you felt like your partner sucked you're giving a high five all right so I want to teach you how to give a stellar high five do it again but this time look at their elbow all right very good all right go ahead and take a seat so now you know high fives are much cooler especially now that you know try not to be that one person who just walks over and people are like thank you very much thank you one is I know you're like very interested in having processes for you personally what is the habit you most want that you struggle to develop or stick to speaking in front of people no I'm just kidding the habit that I've once that can be my yeah you give yours I think I've got my movement trying to go to sleep early like it gets to be I'm like an afternoon low person like four or five six p.m. on useless but if I do anything after eight o'clock hello world I'm ready for you and then it gets to be like nine I'm like yeah okay I'll wrap this up in ten and ten thirty eleven eleven thirty and it's like oh five it's coming really soon you know and then the next day why best self yeah so mine mine is much more about presence with other people it is it is easy it is easy for me to lose sight of the journey that somebody else might be going through and so being more present and what that looks like specifically is waiting longer to speak