 and when you don't have to spend all of that emotional and physical and mental energy on being stressed out, on being pissed off, on wondering what people are thinking, on wondering what's going on with people, when you're free from all that, you can really focus on your goals and dreams and making things a reality. Hi, my name is Boris. I'm a board-certified physician assistant working in medically supervised weight loss and also outpatient internal medicine, so basically primary care for somewhat complicated patients. And on this channel we talk about all things health, so of course that includes your physical health, but also your mental, spiritual, and emotional health. All these things I think are necessary to live a healthy, well-rounded life, and it's all things that I'm very passionate about, so it's all things that I really want to share on this channel. And the topic of today's video is going to be getting over a breakup. So even as a brand new medical provider, I've only been practicing for a couple of months, and of course I spent a clinical year in PA school seeing patients as well, and just medical experience before that, so all that experience, but also even more than that, just life experience, friends, family, just other people that I've talked to over the years of my life, I've really noticed and come to the conclusion that breakups are one of the most stressful things that a person can go through, sometimes even more stressful than losing a loved one, because essentially you do lose a loved one, except they're not actually, you know, they're not gone from the planet, they're not gone from the earth, they're not dead, they're just kind of dead to you, assuming that you're no longer in contact with them. And for a lot of people, and me included I've actually noticed, that's actually even harder than ultimately losing a loved one, because they're still around, they're still that kind of potential, they're still that hope, even though if it really was a permanent breakup, they're more or less it's not that potential or that hope, but just that little bit of potential and hope for some reason, I don't know why, but for some reason it just makes it so much more difficult to lose a romantic partner from your life than it is to actually lose a loved one to, you know, like a chronic illness or for whatever reason that they might pass away. So because this is such a stressful, such a difficult thing for a lot of people to go through, I wanted to put in my two cents, I wanted to talk about my experience and just some tips that I really have for getting over a breakup, because I know a lot of you out there watching this and just a lot of the patients that I've talked to and other people that I've talked to in general really, really struggle with this area, when that's something that they have to go through. And I'm not going to make this video very long, I really only want to talk about two things when it comes to getting over a breakup, but before I even talk about those two things, I want to kind of talk about what the goal is, what is the ultimate goal in getting over the breakup. And I think that that goal is not to hate your partner, not to feel anything negative towards them, even if they did hurt you or if the situation just wasn't great and it ended on bad terms, whatever it may be, the goal is definitely not to bring any more hate into the world or any more negativity. The goal is indifference. So one of the best quotes I've ever heard is the opposite of love is not hate, it's actually indifference, indifference, a nice comfortable neutrality where you just kind of feel neutral about the whole situation, you accept what happened, you realize that it was an opportunity for growth, it happened, it could not have happened any other way, which means it ended and that could not have happened any other way, overall you did nothing wrong, they did nothing wrong, it just that was the situation, that was both of your experience and hopefully you're both better, stronger, more mature, more evolved people for having that experience. So once you can see it that way that it happened for a reason and that it happened in your life for a reason, overall it was a good thing and there's just no hate left in your body for it, there's no negativity, it's just it is what it is, it's a fact, you're moving on and overall you're just neutral towards it, you don't love them, you don't hate them, you're just more or less indifferent. Now is that to say that if somebody was in your life for a year, for two years, for 10 years, for 30 years that you no longer love them? Of course not, I mean you wouldn't be human if you didn't still love this person to some degree, you know, somewhere deep in your soul, you have love for them, you definitely do, you spend that much time with them, just that much of your psyche and that much of your mental space is still taken up by that person and that's just more or less impossible to completely undo, you know, they'll always be with you to some degree, so of course you still love them and you always will and that's okay, that does not mean you can't love somebody else, that does not mean that they were your soulmate and they're the only ones for you and that there's no one else, absolutely not, it just means that you're human, you did spend a lot of time with this person and at least at one time you really felt a lot of positive emotion for them, so of course they're still going to take up that space in your mind and in your heart and of course you do still love them, that's totally okay, there's nothing wrong with that. What I'm saying is you just want to be neutral to the whole idea of the relationship, that you're not longing for it, it's not like this love that you're missing, a piece of you is missing and you also don't hate them, you're not like actively spending energy just like being negative about the whole thing and being like that person harmed me and my life sucks because this person did this this and that to me, you're not like that either, you're neutral, you just see it for what it is, see it for what it was, you see the ending for what it was and you've moved on, that's it, so that's the goal, the goal is not love or hate, the goal is just a nice comfortable indifference and if you don't agree with that then maybe my advice isn't for you and maybe you should turn off the video here because the advice I want to give is in line with that goal in reaching that nice comfortable neutrality, so if that sounds good to you here's what I think you should do in order to get there, number one is to understand what happened, to understand the other person, who they are, how they are, why they do the things that they do, why they feel the way that they feel about things and why they react to things the way that they react and even more importantly to know yourself, to understand why you do the things that you do, to understand why you react the way that you react and you feel the way that you feel when certain things, especially stressful things, conflict, insecurities when all those kinds of things pop up, why you are the way that you are and maybe how you can improve and by far the best way, the most effective way that I found to really understand yourself and other people and just the world, the social world around you is by studying something called attachment theory. Attachment theory, I don't remember the neuroscientists or the psychologists who founded it, but the person that I learned it from, her name is Tyce Gibson and her YouTube channel is the Personal Development School, I've definitely talked about it on the channel a few times, I think she's brilliant, I think the way that she teaches and the way that she explains things and also just like the workbooks she puts together and how you can actually heal your insecurities and how you can understand yourself and just become a better, stronger, more emotionally secure, just more mature, more grounded person, I think that her work and her courses are brilliant and by far the best that I've ever seen and I personally done a few of them and I definitely think that I'm a better person for it. So I'm not saying you absolutely have to do personal development school, but for some way just find a way to understand yourself and the other person, read whatever books that you think they are comfortable with, but I think personally attachment theory is definitely the way to go. And I'm not going to do like a whole big thing on attachment theory in this video, but basically attachment theory kind of groups people into a few different categories, one being anxious preoccupied, like anxiously attached people, the kind of people that if you don't call them back in an hour, they're texting up a storm, they're like, hey, why didn't you call me back? Where are you? And you're just sitting there thinking, I'm at work. I can't be on my phone all the time. I'm busy. I'm not ignoring you. I don't hate you. I just I got stuff to do and they're freaking out. So that's anxiously attached kind of folks. Then there's dismissive avoidance, which is like the polar opposite side of that, who can ignore you for like a week and think that nothing's wrong or more commonly, like they're just neutral with you. They're kind of sometimes they're loving, sometimes they're not whatever they're in your presence. They might be in your life, you might be living with them, but they're usually kind of just doing their own thing. They're most comfortable kind of just doing their own thing. And when they don't have time and space to do their own thing, they get really antsy and they can kind of have, you know, anger and outbursts at you. And also they're very, very sensitive to criticism, to anything that can be perceived as criticism, even if you're nice about it. And also they're just not very good at being emotionally present. It's hard to explain, but like if you're sitting at dinner or in the car with someone or just hanging out on the couch and something just feels missing, you know, something just doesn't feel human. Like I'm not trying to insult these people, but it's like, that's the best way I can describe it. It just doesn't feel like you're connected to this person. This person just doesn't have intimacy. If you've ever felt that way, your partner or whoever you're around might be a bit of a dismissive avoidant. Then there's a third one, which is fearful avoidant or another term for them is disorganized attachment style. And these people kind of have elements of both. So they can be kind of anxiously attached sometimes and they can be a little overbearing and they really want more of your attention than you're willing to give. And then sometimes when they get attention, they like push you away and they're like, whoa, too much. I don't want to get that close. You're smothering me and you're sitting there thinking like, what the heck? Like for a second ago, you wanted to see me every day and now you're said that you need space and like you need two weeks away from me, whatever that may be, whatever the example is, it's like a yo-yo effect. Like they push away and then they pull and they push away and then they pull. That's kind of the behavior of a fearful avoidant. And then of course, the fourth category she calls secure, which is basically people who aren't grounded, who are secure in themselves, they self soothe. So if they get emotional, if they get any kind of stress in their life, they're able to handle it themselves without really putting it on anyone else or saying that it's anyone else's fault or trying to have any outbursts. Like they do get emotional. They're not robots. They're not zombies. They're not perfect. You know, they're human. They do so feel all the same emotions. They get jealous. They get angry. They get frustrated. They might scream and cry sometimes like everybody else, but just overall, they have a lot fewer core wounds, a lot fewer like minds in the mind field, as Taihi says. So it's much less likely if you happen to like piss them off. First off, it's just much harder to piss them off because they just don't get mad very easily. And second, they just have a higher threshold for, you know, being sensitive about things. I guess that's the best way to describe someone who's secure is they're just, they're not really sensitive about stuff. They're just kind of, they're just kind of more easy going. They just kind of go with the flow. They adapt to situations, even stressful situations pretty well. They're just, that's exactly the way that they're described is they're just secure in themselves. They're secure emotionally. Just they're not as easily rattled. They're not as easily perturbed by little stuff, especially, you know? So that's the fourth category, secure. And the theory is, based on how you grew up, especially in your first zero to two years, so between the time that you're born and the time that you're a toddler, like how your parents were to you, were they emotionally available? Were they, did they cuddle you? Did they give you attention? Did they hold space? Were they depressed? Were they not depressed? Like all that kind of stuff is at least by attachment theory, all that kind of stuff is what goes into forming a person, into either being secure or being dominated by one of these more insecure attachment styles, or sometimes more than one. So just kind of understanding your attachment style, whatever it may be, and the other person's attachment style, whatever that may be, really will just give you a nice understanding of what the heck happened. Why do I act the way that I act and feel the way that I do? Why do they act the way that they act and feel the way that they do? And how were these things possibly not compatible? So first off, just understanding is the best thing to do, just kind of get your left brain involved, make it less emotional and more logical, like just figure out what the heck happened. All right? That's number one. I think that's the most important thing to do first. And the best way that I think that that can be done is by studying attachment theory. Another great resource that I found, I personally haven't read this one, but I've just heard amazing things about it, is a book by Stéphane Lebocière. I think that guy's brilliant too. If you've ever looked at his YouTube channel, he's also brilliant. He's a great communicator. Actually, it's a little embarrassing, but I can't remember what the book is actually called. But I'll post a picture of it and I'll probably put the title like across the screen and it'll also be in the information for this video. But it's essentially something along the lines of like love after heartbreak or something like that. It's really to help you heal and to help you understand what happened and also gives you like really good exercises to go through to make yourself more secure, to heal yourself from the breakup and also just from any traumas that you may have had in life that made you predisposed to whatever happened that caused the breakup. So I can't stress this enough. The most important thing you can do is to understand what happened and to just kind of heal yourself from what happened and in general any other sticking and weak points that you might have as a person, so that your next relationship is so much stronger, so much better and so much more secure and not just for relationships, it's just for life in general. When you get more secure at work, at school, in your friendships, in your family life, things are just less stressful and when you don't have to spend all of that emotional and physical and mental energy on being stressed out, on being pissed off, on wondering what people are thinking, on wondering what's going on with people, when you're free from all that, you can really focus on your goals and dreams and making things a reality and being a much better employee and being much better at like grinding on your purpose and being better at your job and being better at your hobbies and you know like actually accomplishing your dreams. You just have so much more space and time and energy to give to other more productive things when you're not all stressed out and worried about what people might be thinking or what people might be doing or what you might be thinking or doing, you know, so it just it really frees you not just in relationships but as a person, which I think is even more important. So I can't stress that enough. Understanding and healing, taking the time and the effort to do that is critical and I think you should do that before you do anything else. And number two, this one's a little bit quicker, a little bit easier, a little bit less concepts in this one. This is just straight up something that I did that I found to be very helpful and that is to make a list. I literally just made a Google doc on my phone and just added to it whenever I felt inspired and I just looked at it whenever I felt that I needed to and my list was called when it hurts. So when it hurts means like when you're thinking about this person that either you broke up with or they broke up with you or it just ended mutually, whatever the case may be, like this ending of a relationship that is hurting you emotionally. Whenever you think about that and let's say it's been, I don't know, two weeks, a month, a year, two years and you haven't found somebody better and you're getting all stressed out and you're starting to think like, okay, maybe they weren't so bad and you start thinking about all the good aspects of that person and not thinking about all the bad aspects of the relationship that were just not compatible and that caused you a lot of stress to cause you to leave that relationship or just to cause it to end for whatever reason. It's good when you start feeling weak and start thinking about, hey, maybe I should call this person, maybe I should go back. It really wasn't that bad or even if they're with somebody else and you're just suffering because you're not with that person, whatever that is, whatever the reason is for your suffering because of this person, it's really good to remember why it didn't work out. And again, the goal being neutrality, the goal being not anger, not hate, but indifference and just understanding logically why it did not work out. So having this list of things and reasons and maybe even episodes that you describe like things that actually happened with this person of why you really didn't want that for your future, why having these kinds of behaviors, having these kinds of conflicts and disagreements and maybe clashes and core values and what they believe and what you believe and just how different you are as people and how you may not be compatible. Having very good concrete examples of that, a whole big list of them to look at when you are in those points of weakness and you're thinking about either calling them or going back or just suffering because the relationship is over, just having a list of that stuff to look at and think about and remember not necessarily the bad parts just to hate on because you don't want to do that, but just the logical reasons for why it didn't work out and why it's good that it didn't work out and why your future is better and brighter because you're no longer in this relationship. So just having a list of those things to look at, I found to be incredibly healing and incredibly beneficial, especially during those times of weakness. And so don't put pressure on yourself. Don't feel like you have to make this whole giant list at once. Just make a Google Doc on your phone just because you can always access it. Just make a Google Doc or something or just put a notepad on your phone, whatever. And just anytime you feel inspired and if the breakup is fresh, you're going to be thinking about this a lot. So that's the best time to actually start writing these things down. When you think about an experience like something that the other person did or just an argument that just never got solved or just incompatibility and core values or just some example, especially a concrete example that you remember emotionally and you just really remember very clearly and vividly. If you can describe that in paragraphs in this Google Doc and you'll have that always to look back on, I think that's incredibly powerful. So even if you only remember one thing that just makes you go, no, I definitely do not want that in my future. I don't want my kids or my future kids to be looking at this kind of thing. Maybe this is something that I saw growing up and I definitely never want my kids or my future kids to be looking at this to see this growing up. I'm so grateful that I no longer have to deal with this kind of behavior and my future children will never have to look at this kind of behavior and they'll grow up in a more peaceful loving household because they're not going to see this kind of stuff growing up. So you could be grateful that that is no longer in your life and that's not going to be in your future children's lives or if you already have kids, it's not going to be in your current children's lives. So just think of examples like that that just make you go, no, that's no good. I don't want that in my life. That's not healthy and I'm glad that I'm not going to have to deal with that because this relationship is over. Things like that. And again, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I feel like I'm just beating the same drum over and over again. But do not be hateful about it. Be logical about it. There's a difference. Do not engage that hateful, emotional right side of your brain. Try to engage the left side of your brain that's logical, linear, calm, just chilled and sees things for what they are, not better or worse, but just logically sees them for what they are. You see the life that you want. You see the life that you want in the future. And you realize that these behaviors, these things, these scenes that you're describing in your list are not compatible with that future. And these are the kinds of things I want you to put in your list. And anytime you have a moment of weakness, like I just described, maybe you pull that list up, maybe you read one or two of them, maybe you read through the whole list if you got time, whatever the case may be, and you do feel better. You do feel like this is the way things are supposed to be. I'm right. I'm in the right place in my life. This is where I should be at this time. Everything is going right. I'm moving towards accomplishing my goals. I'm moving towards the kind of life that I want in the future. And this relationship being over is part of that movement. It's part of that process. It's part of that journey. This is the way it's supposed to be. And it's good that I am where I am. And this relationship is over. And this relationship is over. And if you can get to that place, I'm definitely not promising that it's not going to hurt, you know, weeks, months, even years later. Yeah, you'll still find times where you missed that for whatever reason, probably because you're missing whatever that relationship gave you, closeness, emotional connection, physical intimacy, like whatever it is that you're missing at that time in your life, of course, in your mind, it's going to want to meet those needs. So you're going to go back to even in fantasy, even just remembering daydreaming, whatever, just remember a time in your life where those needs were fulfilled. And perhaps that time is with this ex partner of yours. That's totally normal. Everybody does it. I promise you, everybody does it. I do it every single person I've ever talked to on a deep level admits to me that they do it. So it's totally normal even years later to still kind of fantasize or think about your ex or the relationship that you used to have, because at that particular moment in your life, certain needs are not being met. We're not robots. We're not perfect. Our needs are not always met 100% of the time. That's impossible. And so of course, one way that we feel these needs is to fantasize about the past or fantasize daydream about the future. And if you happen to be fantasizing about the past, when these needs were filled, because your brain just wants to fill that need so badly, sometimes you might think about your ex, and that does not mean that anything's wrong with you. It does not mean that you have to get back together with them. It does not mean that that relationship was everything and you lost it and you really need that back or even want that back. It doesn't mean any of those things. It literally just means you feel a little bit unfulfilled right now, and you need to find a better different way to fill that need. And it also means that you're human and you recognize that the ex that that ex relationship was a big part of your life. And you love that person and you always will and that's okay. That just means that you're human. And that's good. If you didn't feel like that, you'd be a robot. And I know you're not a robot because why would a robot be watching YouTube video? Maybe robots do watch YouTube videos. That would actually be really creepy if robots were watching YouTube videos and like studying us and figuring out how to take over the world. Maybe a topic for a different video. Anyway, okay, I'm getting very off topic because I am finally home. We're in Syracuse and we just got like a foot of snow and I'm struggling to drive through it a little bit. Even though I have snow tires and four wheel drive, it's still a bit of a struggle. But either way, life is good. So I hope you guys got something out of that video. I just know that this is a very high point of stress for a lot of people. And my channel is all about reducing people's stress, helping them live happier, healthier, more complete lives. So I hope that was helpful to you. Let me know what you think. Let me know what you think in the comments if you want me to make more content about this kind of stuff. Just any comments and the experiences you may have had with this kind of stuff. Just let me know. I'd love to hear it. See you in the next video.