 narcissistic relationships versus healthy relationships. It's good to know what you don't want in a relationship. Knowing what you don't want can help you to define what you do want, which is why when we've been in a relationship with a narcissist for a long period of time, we will often know what we don't want. It's good to have that contrast. It's good to see that striking difference between a narcissist and someone who is emotionally healthy. There are many desirable and attractive qualities and traits that sets the healthy person apart from the narcissist. But you may not be aware of what those qualities and traits are until you have been involved with a narcissist. Sometimes you have to be in a really bad relationship before you can appreciate one that is amazing. When you have been with a narcissist for several months or years, you will really appreciate someone who is emotionally healthy. And that is why I would like to describe the narcissistic relationship first so that you can then appreciate everything good about the healthy relationship. A relationship with a narcissist is one-sided. All of the effort is coming from you. While the narcissist just takes everything that you have to give, it will be very unequal or unbalanced. And this will cause trouble and distress for you if you dare to point out how unfair the relationship is or if you stop doing what the narcissist wants and expects you to do. They might call you selfish or claim that you are the narcissist simply because they are not getting their way. They will forget everything that you have done for them up until that point. Because just that one time you wouldn't let them have their way. It causes a narcissistic injury and makes them really angry where they may even seek to punish you in return for that perceived injury. They may insult you or express disapproving comments or judgments about you. If you don't do what they want, they will become very impatient. They will become quickly irritated or annoyed. And you may feel as though you are walking on eggshells. They fail to understand your point of view. Because they are self-absorbed and lack empathy. They only care about their own interests or needs. Most of your conversations involve them talking about what interests them, what they need from you, or what they want you to do for them. Any time that you try to talk about your own interests or needs, the narcissist doesn't want to hear it. Or they will just hijack the conversation and start talking about something that interests them. They are too preoccupied with their own interests or needs to consider you. And this leaves you feeling alone and invalidated. You feel as though you're not being heard. And you wonder how this person could even say that they know you or love you when they never took the time to hear you out. They never took the time to listen to you in the way that you listen to them. So of course they don't know you. Of course they don't love you. They only love the image that they have in their minds. Which really has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what you can do for them or how you can make them feel. But it has nothing to do with you as a person because they never took the time to get to know you. They never had an interest in getting to know you. Because the sole purpose of them being with you is so that you can provide something to them. They're in survival mode. They need to use you for their own survival. And this is something you will notice when you have a conversation with them. That is why the conversation always revolves around their interests or needs. Because they are in need. They are in need of your time, energy and attention. But no amount that you give to them will ever be enough. You can't just attend to them or hear them out for a couple of hours and then they'll start to consider you. No, it doesn't work that way with a narcissist. They will want your life to revolve around them catering to their needs 24 hours a day. And when it comes down to you needing their attention most of the time they won't even be listening. Or it will just remind them of something that they need you to attend to. They really have no interest in you as a person. They don't love you. They love what you can do for them. And they love how you can make them feel. But they don't love you. They can't love you. Love is about giving and accepting when all the narcissist seems to do with you is take, disapprove, deny, refuse. They're always in opposition to you. It's not love. It's the opposite of love. And the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference which can be defined as them having a lack of interest, concern and sympathy for you. They don't want to know or learn something about you. You're not a matter of interest or importance to them and that is why there is no support in the form of shared feelings or opinions. That is why there is no understanding because really, not only do they not love you they don't even care about you. That is why they feel no pity or sorrow for your misfortune because they're only concerned with their own interests or needs. When love is about giving, love is about acceptance. There is no acceptance with the narcissist. All you do is argue or disagree day after day because you're not even compatible. There is a serious incompatibility between your opinions, principles or interests. And it gets to a point where you're afraid to even express your own opinions. You're afraid to express how you feel because you never know how they're going to react. You don't know if it's going to start another argument because you're dealing with someone who is like a loose cannon. They behave in an unpredictable and uncontrolled way that is likely to cause danger or harm and you never know what might set them off. This is because they lack emotional stability which causes them to experience rapid, often exaggerated changes in mood. It causes you to feel like you're always walking on eggshells because you never know how they might react. It's an unstable, chaotic environment of complete confusion and disorder. A healthy relationship is the opposite of all of this. When you are with someone who is emotionally healthy you will feel secure. You will feel safe and unthreatened because you're in a safe, unthreatening environment. There will be things that you have in common, things that you both value and appreciate but then there will also be differences where there are differences. There will be boundaries and mutual respect. There will be an understanding that you don't share all of the same likes and interests or the same beliefs or values and that's not going to be a problem as long as you feel equally respected and appreciated. They will be there for you. They will be there to provide you with support and comfort especially when you have problems. They will provide encouragement or emotional help. They will listen to you. They will understand you. They will anticipate your needs. There's just something you get from an emotionally healthy person that is difficult to describe or express but it is highly pleasing, highly satisfying and it is what causes you to want to establish a relationship with them. A relationship is usually based on shared feelings, interests or experiences but you don't get that with a narcissist. It makes you wonder how you even got together because most of the time you spend together is in disagreements or opposition but they expect you to see it as a privilege just to be in their presence. They're with you every day. So what more could you want from them? Of course they don't consider that with that logic anyone could qualify to be in this relationship. What makes them so special? What are they given to you that makes them deserve to be with you? The truth is the narcissist's idea of love is very different to our idea of love. They see love as what you can give to them while we see love as what we can give to others and that is why when you're doing whatever they want you to do they will tell you that they love you. How do you feel in this relationship? Do you feel loved and appreciated? Do you feel like this person really values you? Or do you feel annoyed and distressed? Do you feel like you don't exist in this relationship? Do you feel like they're taking advantage of you? Do you feel disconnected? Do you feel afraid? If you are with a narcissist you are going to be feeling like you're living in the opposite way of how you want to live. However you feel right now you want to feel the exact opposite. You don't want to feel uncertain about yourself. You want to feel confident. You don't want to feel anxious. You want to feel peace. You don't want to feel indifference. You want to feel love. Think about how you feel right now. It will help you to imagine how you really want to feel. When you define what you don't want it helps you to become aware of what you do want. Love is about interest. Love is about acceptance. It's about peace, patience and contentment. When you are in a healthy relationship you will feel their empathy. When you look into their eyes you will feel that they really care about you. And they may even tell you that they do. But they won't just say it with words. They will prove it with their actions. And their actions and words will be very consistent. They won't change depending on their feelings or circumstances. If someone really loves and cares for you that's not something that just suddenly goes away. When you are in a healthy relationship and you make a fault or mistake they will not hold it against you. They will not use it as a reason for no longer treating you with the respect that you deserve. When you are in a healthy relationship and you love someone you will accept their faults or mistakes. You will accept their flaws and imperfections and love them anyway. Because love is acceptance. Love is about not wanting to change anything. If you really love someone why would you ever want them to change? The narcissist does not love you. They never did and they never will. They are not capable of experiencing love. You cannot experience love without high empathy. If you want to know how much empathy a person has pay attention to how they treat the people around you. Are they kind to people in general? Are they kind to animals? Are they kind to people who can't do anything for them? This is what love is about. It's about accepting the world. Accepting everyone and everything and not wanting to change anything but this is how we must feel about ourselves first before we can feel that way about anyone else. We must love and accept ourselves before we can love and accept anyone else. The narcissist does not love themselves. It's an act. They do not accept themselves. That is why they created a false self and that is why they will never be capable of loving you or anyone else. Love is about being vulnerable. It is not about being afraid but when you're with the narcissist you're too afraid to be vulnerable. So how could you ever love them? How could you ever love them when they take you for granted? And they don't treat you the way you deserve. You don't accept them as they are. You want them to change and that is not love. When you are in a healthy relationship and there is love there is both give and take. They're interested in you. They want to learn more about you. They're supportive and understanding. There's no pretending. There's just a natural desire to be together. You feel comfortable with them. You feel loved. You feel cared for and protected as though they are encouraging your progress and development. You will never experience love with a narcissist but one day you may fall in love with someone else. It all starts with loving yourself. Remind yourself every day of everything you love and appreciate about yourself. Remind yourself of what makes you valuable and work on those qualities. Work on becoming the best version of yourself and one day you will meet someone who is doing the same thing. Healing and developing themselves. Hoping that one day they would meet someone just like you. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonated with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. Click the bell icon to receive notifications for my future videos. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching inquiries you can email me at narx.coaching at gmail.com. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.