 Don't you just love the times when communication in families looks just like this you're a happy family to sunset everybody's participating in the picture making things go smoothly and and you're just all harmonious and Everything is just well right and then there are other times when it looks a little more like this probably right when you're communicating in families But one thing that sure as the families are some of the most enduring relationships that we have so spending a few minutes Focusing on how we communicate in families is a worthwhile discussion for so let's just do that Here for a few minutes and talk about How we can communicate in families more effectively and how we can enhance our relationships by doing so So to start off with let's talk a little bit about what do we mean by family? What makes a family well a family can be made up and believe it or not of a variety of different Things and in a variety of different ways. So first obviously family can include people with whom you share genetic ties People with whom you share DNA so your parents your siblings your your you know blood relatives cousins grandparents people like that Obviously, that's your family And you don't get a choice in that you're born into the family you're born into right? But so genetic ties that certainly have a large impact on on determining or are not only our parents But our personality or disposition our attitudes or different things and and so a lot of this has passed down through DNA Even you know some of your health issues or or strengths of health may come from these genetic genetic ties So certainly genetic ties are an incredibly important part of what can make a family But it's not the only thing families can also be created through What we would call legal obligations, right? So if you Marry someone who has children then legally you have a responsibility for those children or if you adopt a child Then you would have a legal obligation to that child, right? And to those people when you marry someone in general and there are more laws associated with marriage than any other Relationship that you will have here in the United States regarding the legality and the of those relationships and what all goes along with it so marriage in and of itself Enhances that legal obligation of creating a family so you can create a family through Those simple kind of it not simple, but those types of legal obligations will create a very strong family bond and and a very Enduring one as well as you'd find out in the courts if it should ever dissolve or you should ever violate those obligations But we can also create family just through role behaviors in other words people we treat like family become family to us Even if we technically have no genetic ties to that person no legal obligations if we decide to treat someone as though They are part of our family then really Relationally they become a part of our family and we start to communicate with them differently than we might just an acquaintance or even a Friend when we when we see that person as family they take on a different role for us so just our role behaviors in how we treat other people and how we determine that we're going to treat other people if we're Going to consider them part of our family can really establish them as part of a family So you can see families made up in a variety of different ways And and so these things would affect all of these and those each each one is different, but but each of them also Falls under that umbrella of family. So what does communication have to do with any of this? How do we use communication to create family? Well, we do that in a variety of different ways We use communication to create and then maintain and enhance family. One of those is through family stories Humans are narrative creatures. We love stories, you know historically Before the written word we passed everything down through story and through just verbal Spoken word right so we are narrative creatures. We love stories. We love hearing stories about our family I love hearing stories about when my parents were younger and the different kind of hygiene They got up to and their siblings and their families and what life was like for them That's why we talked to people about you know that are elderly about what life was like during their time And what did they experience? How is it different now that it was then how's it different for us? We create this this narrative about our family through these stories and and so of course Then we could talk about the the importance of gatekeepers and gatekeeping and what stories get told them Which ones get left out and how does that shape our view of our family? but those types of things are all important in Determining how we identify with our family what we identify with our family and and so family stories are a way that we use creation or we use communication to really Create family and to feel that sense of belonging and with other people and that connection with other people We also do this through family roles, you know If you have siblings if you have multiple siblings in particular, you know that the kind of fall into these different roles, right? So my oldest sister for example is the is the responsible one She's the one always holding the leash, right? She was the one who's responsible for making sure that we all stayed safe and made good decisions Even though she wasn't our parents She was the one who's always concerned with those types of things it still is she's still the responsible one in our family and I have another brother who's the one with the temper and Another brother who's delayed back when and I'm believe I'm the slacker of the family That's my role in the family when you hear stories about me and our family talking about stories It's going to be about how I was slacking off and especially when I was younger and and maybe didn't uphold Everything that I should be doing that I was always trying to get out of stuff and so I'm the family slacker and those Maintain throughout our lifetimes. I certainly don't think I'm the slacker anymore My brother who was the one with the temper has learned to control his temper as he's gotten into adulthood, of course And and so we continue on with these roles in some ways because we're expected to and in other ways We work out of these roles but never really within our family because we are constantly Communicating about how we fit into these roles and you know, we could get into confirmation bias of well That's what they expect from me So that's how I'm going to behave or that's all they see because that's what they expect of me But these family roles play a powerful Part of these family connections and they are established and maintained through communication We also use family rituals Different families have different rituals and sometimes these are huge rituals like at Christmas For example, my family always at Christmas time We read the Christmas story out of the Bible before we open gifts and then when we open gifts It's always the youngest to the oldest and you open one at a time and you take your turn and so forth Other families just tear into stuff, right? That's their ritual. They wake up first thing in the morning Everybody tears in everything just opens it all up Those are different rituals that we have on different holidays and things like that But we also have smaller rituals Maybe you your family has a family game night or a family movie night where you're all together And and you know that that's kind of sacred and you don't schedule anything for that night because that's Movie night or whatever and where my friends and I used to call it QFT quality family time You want to do this tonight? Now? I've got QFT and we all knew oh, yep. Okay. I understand You got some quality family time. You got a you got to put in your time there with your family So sometimes it's more just on a regular basis like that other times. It's just regular stuff you do Do you have a regular parking spot? You know, do you know that you know mom and dad are gonna park in the driveway or the garage and if kids have cars They're gonna park on the street or wherever they can find a space. Those are not reserved for them You know parents take priority and getting those types of things or my family also when we get together We like to sing so before we eat more all together We will oftentimes sing a song which can be a little different if you're not used to that and you come To one of our family meals you're gonna get to either sing along or at least hear a song probably that we're Gonna sing before we start to eat so every family has different rituals That they that they do and the kind of those are communicated You know either expressly or or in an unspoken way and you just kind of get to know them as you get to know This family and become part of this family, but we create those through communication then Every family also has secrets and again, sometimes these are huge secrets. Sometimes it's you know, I don't know sometimes it's you know Well, so-and-so's family member was in prison or or you know stole a bunch of money or did something awful That's a big family secret, right? But other times it's just Smaller things that the families to keep closer to their vest like you know If a family's having money issues just temporarily they may not want everybody to know that so it's a secret within the family or if Somebody's ill and they don't want that getting around then that may just be a family secret something they keep to themselves Right, so we create our family was communication by connecting those bonds as well and keeping those things Secret to a certain extent as we create family through all types of communication And in a variety of ways that that this is again significant It's different than our other relationships and and it's what partly what creates family and it's partly how communication then Plays into creating family So what can we do to create effective family communication that should be our goal Of course family again is some of the most enduring relationships that we're going to have So creating effective communication within the family should be a priority for us The first thing we can do is manage that connection autonomy dialectic We talked in a previous video about the you know relational formation and some of the things surrounding that and one of those concepts was dialectical tension right and one of those tensions was connection autonomy this idea that We'd like to be connected. We want to be known and to know others. We want to be connected We want to be with others, but at the same time we have this desire for independence and those are gonna It's like a pendulum it swings back and forth how strongly we're gonna feel those things and also depends on the individual and on Personality and so forth and then again remember that everybody else is feeling that same dialectic So you may be feeling connection, but they may be feeling autonomy and so forth those things require Management especially in a family where you have these expectations for connection often times, right? And especially if you're living in the same home that you're gonna be around people all the time you have to really actively manage that connection autonomy dialectic this this balance between Independence and connection and the expectations and what they are in that particular family and for that particular individual So we have to be very clear and very active in managing that and understanding that dialectic Sort of similarly we have to strive for closeness while respecting boundaries This is sort of related in some ways, but we need to Really try to be close with our family again These are people we're gonna have relationships with for a long long time oftentimes in close quarters Especially if you're living with these people still so, you know closeness is just a byproduct of that So we ought to strive for that closeness and work as we can to create that closeness But at the same time we have to respect that every person is individual Every person desires to some extent to be autonomous and to have that kind of freedom So we have to respect their boundaries and establish what those boundaries are and be appropriate within that context as well Then finally we want to really encourage confirming messages confirming messages are the opposite of disconfirming messages and So disconfirming messages convey a lack of value where confirming messages convey Value they convey to the other person that they have value and that you value them and So they're essentially positive messages. We really need to encourage those and again be mindful and intentional about Establishing and encouraging and sharing these confirming messages Now does that mean we can never say anything negative to that person? We can't ever correct them or discipline them or or share a contrary thought. No, no, no That's not at all what we're talking about, but we have to be aware of Balancing that out with the sense of you know, I value you and I'm gonna even when I'm expressing those types of things I'm gonna do so in a way that expresses that value that I'm doing this because I care about you because I'm Trying to do this for your benefit because I want what's best for you It's we need to encourage Confirming messages of value and it doesn't even have to be wrapped up along with those negative messages Sometimes we just need to tell people straight out. I value you. You are worth something to me. I love you I care for you. You have value to me and you bring a lot to this family That can be tremendously powerful When we hear those things out loud and we have those encouraging Confirming messages, especially again when we're in such close contact with these people for such an extended period of time It's really really behooves us to be intentional about sharing that kind of confirming message so again Families as you know friends as we've talked about in previous video will come and go co-workers will probably come and go as you Change jobs Romantic relationships could turn into family, but family is an enduring relationship I'm whether you love your family whether you really try not to be around them very much. They're still your family You're still connected to them in this very real way So so learning to effectively communicate with them has a number of benefits If you have questions about communication and families or any other type of Relational communication, please feel free to email me. I'd be happy to chat with you about that And in the meantime, I do hope that you will examine your family relationships really focus on those confirming messages and Respecting boundaries, but also striving for that closeness and just creating the most enduring bonds that you can with these these so so so important people in your life