 The Abbot and Costello show with Marilyn Maxwell skinny anus and his orchestra and starring but Abbot and Lou Costello Tell me what were you doing up in Beverly Hills this morning? What were you doing up in Beverly Hills this morning? I'm up in Beverly Hills every morning. I always stop by heavy Lamar's house I holler And then what I throw the morning paper on a porch and go to my next customer Delivering papers at your age. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You idiot. Why don't you get yourself a real job? Don't you want to grow up and be a failure? Do you want to be one? Oh, no, that's bad Certainly it's bad. Do you want to be a fellow that spends all his time in pool rooms? Oh, no, that's bad Do you want to be a fellow that hangs around stage doors and picks up chorus girls? That's bad Why don't you go out and get yourself a job? Oh, I don't have that but my father went out and found a job this morning Doing what? We don't know yet. My mother don't start Lamar Wanted to be like me. I work I save a little money every week by the time I'm 65 I'll have a nice little nest egg habit by the time you're 65. You'll be too old a hatch I'm willing to go to work at it. I got a great idea for an act for you and me We'll go in the ball. Hey now that sounds good. What is well first the curtain goes up I come out singing dance tell a few jokes then the curtain comes down then the curtain goes up again I come out sing dance tell some more jokes and then the curtain comes down again Wait a minute a minute wait, wait away. Do I come in that curtain don't work by itself Costellers It's a waste of time talking to you the only job You'd be good at for it's to replace a moron Deckett I couldn't take the bread and butter out of your mouth Why don't you get some ambition get some screw play what I want we're rushing money Screwproofs give you incentive ambition screw potatoes drive you on. Oh, I got one of those. What of us a circle driver Do my cool chest with my muckle wrench and my jackal knife. Oh. Great job, man. Please, Lou. You know, you're a shining example of that old saying, laziness is the father of all evil. Yes. And a loaf of bread is the mutter of an airplane. Wait a minute. A loaf of bread is the mother of an airplane? Sure, I'll prove it to you. What is a loaf of bread? Well, that's a necessity. And what's an airplane? An invention. Well, ain't necessity the mutter of invention? Oh. Well, Castella, why don't you get yourself a steady job? Hard work never hurt anybody. You're right, Abbot. I was just reading a story the other day that proves it. What was it called? The Tree Little Pigs. It goes like this. Once upon a time, there were Tree Little Pigs. And they were first pigs. What was the first pigs' day? His name was Inky. Why did they call him Inky? Because he was always running out of the pen. All right. Button in. Let me tell a story. Go ahead. Now, kick your mouth shut. All right. Now, you go on over to the coal yard and show them what a real clinker looks like. Oh, yeah. Be nice. Go ahead and tell your story. Now, the mother pig was a big fat sow. And she raised a special kind of cabbage. Now, wait a minute. What kind of a cabbage could a sow raise? Ain't you never heard of sauerkraut? And the father pig worked in a foundry. What did the father pig do in a foundry? Who said that? I did, in case you asked me. He was making pig iron. Now, these pigs lived on a farmer right next door with a family of cats. So one day the cats... Mall tees cats? Yes. Now, one... What'd you say? Mall tees cats? Maybe you're a mall tees cat, but my mall loves cats. Ah, no, no, no. There are different kinds of cats. Mall tees cats, version cats. Oh, now when she's satisfied with you, she ain't even satisfied with tees and cats. She's gonna poison them too. Shame on your mall. Shame on that cat. And it's my poison cat. Now, take it easy, please. That's Ella. My mall has three cats and she wouldn't hurt her feline. Have it. You just said you're a mall tees cat and a poison cat, and that will hurt their felines. There's absolutely no sense to this at all. Well, where there's no sense, there's no felines. Oh, never mind. Would you stop getting me mixed up? All right, go ahead. Come on, continue. Okay, now, there was one little kitten in the family that was always beating up his father. Wait a minute. How could a kitten beat up his father? Because it says right there in the book that a kitten was always licking his paw. That's all right. I actually kicked a mouse. Go ahead. Now, this little kitten used to play with the three little pigs, and sometimes he would climb the fence into the pasture and milk the cow. Ah, just a minute. And how could three little pigs and a kitten milk a cow? Well, first they would feed the cow hay. Yes. Then they would give the cow a lot of water, and then they would crawl underneath and drain its crankcase. In there, in there. Ah, bad. For the last time, keep out of there. All right, go ahead. Now, the three little pigs were afraid of the big bad wolf. He was their enemy. So they... I see. The wolf was their antagonist. Yes. He was... Could I have that again? The wolf was the pig's antagonist. How could a wolf be their ant agonist? This was a hero. Their ant agonist was a pig. Oh, forget the whole thing. Forget about it. The three little pigs were afraid of the big bad wolf, so they decided to go to work and build a house. Yes, they wanted to work hard and build a house, protect them from the wolf. So they went to the OPA. Yes, the office of the price administration. No, OPA. The Oversized Pigs Association. So the three pigs got lumber and bricks and all kinds of building materials. Now wait a minute. Just a second. Just a second. Where would pigs get building materials? Well, somebody must be getting them. People can't get them. Now the first pig built his house out of straw and along came the wolf and he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down. My, that wolf, that wolf must have had a powerful breath. Yeah, he just had an Italian dinner. Now... Now, the third little pig built his house of bricks. And the wolf, he huffed and he puffed and he puffed and he puffed, but he couldn't blow it down. And that is the moral of my story. Wait a minute. What is the moral of your story? Girls, the next time a wolf starts huffing and puffing at you, head for the nearest pile of bricks. We're going to get a job and go to work. Now, I'll find you a job. We'll have to walk the streets all day. Look, Abbott, there's a help want to sign in the winter. Maybe they could use me. What does the sign say? Want it. Men or women. Full of part-time. They are night. Dead or alive. Apply Dr. Ugg's store. Wait a minute. Where does it say Dr. Ugg's store? That's Drugg's store. Come on, we're going in and get you a job. You can use me as a reference. The last time I used you as a reference, the guy knew you. Yes. What did he say about me? Abbott, what's a schmo? Never mind. Let's go in this store. Come on. High-class store. Quiet, Castella. That man over there looks like the boss. Pardon me, sir. Are you the proprietor? As Gainsborough's blue boy said to the Esquire calendar, I ain't Whistler's mother. Are you desirous of employment? No, I'm Costello of North Hollywood. No, no, no. Not up yet, dummy. Mister, could you use a bright boy like Costello? Yes, providing his conscientious. I'm firing the boy I've got now because he wants another day off. When did he have his last day off? In 1937. What does he think this is? A playground? Nice going, Costello. Yes, sir, you will never regret hiring this industrious, hard-working ambitious young man. He's high. Oh, yes. And, Mr. Abbott, I'd like to have you as my head salesman. What do you want, Abbott, as your head salesman? Quiet. Costello, anybody that could talk me into hiring a lazy, shiftless, fat, misfit like you, must be a great salesman. As a matter of fact, Mr. Abbott, you're now the assistant manager. Get to work, boy. Come on, Costello, get going. Swim up the store, straighten out the counters, clean out the prescription room, wash the windows, then get back to that store and stay there. And remember, I am the assistant manager. You're just the assistant manager? That's right. What a schmoo the manager must be. Look, there's a lady customer. See what she wants. Well, if it isn't Mr. Abbott and you, too, Mr. Costello, you fought a little more, new... Well, yes. What can we do for you? Oh, I just drooped into the droop, to get some horned lotion. Horned lotion? Sure, Abbott, you know what horned lotion is. That's the stuff you rub on your schoon when it's rubbed. And I'd also like some aspirin toblest and a bootle of compor. I always use compor when I have a cool. When I have a cool, I spray my tonsils with an atomizer and slap a mustard booster on my chest. I'll be totaling along. As we say in Spanish, la quilla mañana esplita si es tuyo. And a leaky banana splittin' a kisser to you, too. Now, get busy and wait on those customers. What did you sell that fat lady? She bought a big can of talcum powder. Was it scented? No, she took it right with her. I... She took it with her. I want to know if it was scented. How could it be scented if she took it with her? You dummy, I'm talking about the kind of talcum powder. Was it menins? No, it was women's. This customer was a lady. Were lots of women like menins? So what? Lots of menins like women, still. But there are some women that wouldn't have menins. Oh, you're like that. Those women's are getting more independent every day. What do you mean? What do you mean? If it wasn't for menins, where would the women's be? Oh, right, sir. If that lady bought talcum powder, it must have been scented. Abbott, I sold a talcum powder to the woman and she carried it out herself. Nobody sent it. Well, well, young man, how are you making out on the job? I'm doing fine. I already sold a tin of talcum powder. Oh, that's wonderful. You see, Abbott, he don't care if it was scented or the lady took it with her. What else did you sell? Some hair tonic. My talus? What was that? My talus. You asked me to tell you, so I thought I'd tell you. I said I sold her some hair tonic. And I said my talus, my talus. If you don't like... What kind of hair tonic it was? Just regular hair tonic. Oh. Was it scented? No, the man... Wait a minute! Stop you idiot. It's easy to see that you've never worked in a drug store before. No, but my uncle Arnie Stevens was a drugist. One day he fell into a barrel of mature chrome. He couldn't wash it off, so he had to quit. Oh, what's he doing now? He stands at the depot in Albuquerque, and sells Indian blankets. Arnie, Kirk, I want to get some invisible hair nets for my wife. Okay, here you are. That will be two dollars. Are you sure these hair nets are invisible? Invisible. Brother, I've been selling them all morning. We've been out of them for two weeks. Hey, look, they look as Merlin Maxwell at the soda fountain. See what she wants. Well, hello, Lewis. I'm glad to see you're working. What do you have, Merlin? Can I make you a nice hot fudge sundae? Oh, no. Thanks, Lewis. You know, I have to watch my figure. That's silly. There's no use in both of us watching it. You know, Lewis, I like you because you're so different. Most boys of your age think of nothing but necking. You're the studious type. Yes, I do a lot of thinking. What do you think about? Necking. Merlin, what can I serve you? Well, I'll take a plain dish of vanilla ice cream, and the more ice cream you put on the dish, the bigger the kiss I'll give you. Pardon me a second till I get my dark glasses. Dark glasses? Yeah, but a time I get through dishing up that vanilla ice cream, I'll be snow blind. Well, on second thought, Lewis, I don't think I want the ice cream. You see, I just dropped in to take home a back scratcher. Wait, like, get my hat. I'll go with you. Yeah. Hello. Why didn't you wait on that lady at the other end of the counter? I tried to, Abbott, but the lady asked for a sundae with crushed pineapple on top, and we ain't got any. She wants to know what else we got. What'll I tell her? Nuts. That's what I say, too. But she wants to know what she can have instead of pineapple. Nuts. Abbott, you can't treat a customer like that. All the poor lady wants is something on top of a sundae, and you say nuts. That's right. Abbott, I've heard of clerks being independent, but this is ridiculous. Look, Costella, the woman wants something on top of her sundae, and you're all out of the pineapple. That's right. Then give her the raspberry. Give her the raspberry. Abbott, I'd rather say nuts than forget the whole thing. There, see that?