 Alright well in today's episode I want to talk about going from the dreaded small talk in the smart talk and what we're going to do is learn a trick that we can use to transition from small talk into rapport. We can build the connection. If you're new to the channel hit the subscribe button, hit the notification bell, hit the like, give us a share, leave a comment, do all the things you know us youtubers love. So number one be patient. So many people are looking to get out of small talk as fast as possible. However small talk plays a very important role. It allows two people who don't know each other well an opportunity to familiarize themselves and get comfortable. They don't call it breaking the ice for nothing. A lot of times new interactions come with it added tension and pressure especially if this is sales or a first date or maybe even a networking opportunity. If you try to rush that transition the alarm bells will go off, people's guards will go up and it'll be more difficult to make that transition. Why would you put yourself in a position to be more vulnerable where that vulnerability could possibly be used against you? Number two use appreciative statements and trade compliments as an opportunity to give value and show interest and curiosity for the person you're speaking to. So while in small talk you may be asking somebody how their day was or what they've been up to or what their line of work is and while they're talking it is up to you to look a little bit deeper to notice something about them, something that is inherent to who they are as a person. This is what we like to call appreciative statements or a trade compliment. This is something that is unique to them that you took some effort to notice. So while they're talking about their day or what they do for a living you might mention to them that you enjoy their sense of humor or that you would remark that they have an interesting world of you or that their sense of style is something that you appreciate. This will go a long way in allowing them to feel good about the conversation and then to be more inclined to open up when the conversation slowly transitions into more of rapport building. Super official compliments based on people's looks like the clothes that they're wearing or their hair or some accessory is compliments that people get all the time. They're very common whereas an appreciative statement or a trade compliment can be seen as a pattern interrupt. It is something that's usually outside the box. It gets them thinking and because it's something that you've taken interest in something that you've noticed it allows them to feel good and once they're feeling good the better that they feel the more their guard will drop. Just an amusing observation from appreciative statements or trade compliments versus superficial compliments. You see I used to be a bar tender and bar manager for close to 10 years. I used to go into my nights having the opportunity to practice these sorts of things with our customers. For over a week I would give just superficial compliments and count my tips at the end of the evening versus a week later where I would go into work only use an appreciative statements or trade compliments. I can tell you my tips would be much higher from getting into conversations and using appreciative statements and trade compliments versus those weak superficial compliments. Number three ask open-ended questions to get them speaking about themselves. When two people are meeting for the first time there's a lot of tension and pressure that is on that interaction. That tension and pressure can make some people feel about nervous have some anxiety or just a bit shy. Open-ended questions give you an opportunity to help the other person by opening up their conversation so that they may give you more thoughtful answers. Think about some regular questions that you would hear meeting somebody for the first time. Oh how was your day? What part of town do you live in? What do you do for work? All of these questions could be answered with just a few words. Oh I live on the north side of town. Oh I work in finance. Yes thank you very much my day was okay today. But if you're asking open-ended questions they know what you're looking for and that you've set them up with an opportunity to give a more thoughtful answer. What is it about that part of town that you enjoy so much? Or what's your favorite part of living in that part of town? What is it about finance that you enjoy so much? Or what is your favorite part of working in finance? As you can see you have to put more thought into your answer and you can't just answer the question with one or two word reply. Number four you shared emotional statements as an opportunity to connect to the emotional bids that they had given you from the open-ended question. Now meeting somebody for the first time and speaking with them can put a lot of tension and pressure on you and make you nervous. So to make this easy on yourself imagine that there is a jelly bean jar between you and the person that you're speaking to. Every time that you ask a question and they answer that is them throwing a jelly bean into the jar. Now it's not that you have to match them bean for bean you're gonna ask a few questions to get the conversation started and opened and flowing but as long as you're matching some beans every once in a while and both parties feel that you've contributed equally the conversation is going well. You can imagine if all I'm doing is asking you question after question after question it can feel interrogative and if it feels interrogative you're going to feel odd and feel forced in a continuing to be vulnerable. This will cause you to shut back down and point five repeat. Now that the conversation is open you can repeat this process as much as you like and build more and more rapport with that rapport will come more vulnerability and that connection will become stronger. I do want to mention one point of warning if you are feeling nervous or have some anxiety because the interaction is new and you're uncomfortable you may feel the need to throw in a joke to lighten the mood. However if you're nervous I do want to warn you that that joke is a risk and if it goes the wrong way or the person feels offended all the work that you have done to lower their guard to get them to open up and share will be for nothing as they feel offended and they'll put their guard back up. So to recap use appreciative statements or trade compliments as a transition into more vulnerable rapport. The appreciative statements or trade compliments should allow the person to feel good so that you can use open-ended questions to solicit more vulnerable and thought-out answers. But remember if they're going to reward you with more vulnerability then you want to use shared emotional statements to keep the levels of rapport and risk the same. Otherwise if you ask too many questions in a row the conversation can end up feeling interrogative rather than collaborative. Now I hope this technique of using appreciative statements and trade compliments helps you take your small talk in the smart talk if you have any other suggestions or techniques that you like to use put them in the comments below. Now if you enjoyed this video make sure you hit subscribe give it a share give it a like leave us a comment do all the things you know as youtubers like and we'll see you next week