 Good evening ladies and gentlemen Yes, this is explain homestuck to an old guy guess which role I play And I Confess to you that I am totally ignorant of anything about homestuck. I have remained I have worked very hard to find out nothing if I would say at this point my one Idea about homestuck is that it involves wearing candy corn on your head. I Don't know what it's a religion. So we are gonna have this is a contest There are rules to every contest All right, the first rule is Drink moxie How many people here know what moxie is? Oh I have some disappointing news for you I rule to you can only use words and gestures in your explanation. There will be no drawing You cannot refer to anything that culturally happened after 1995 Okay, I did set the bar exactly where I wanted it Extra credit is given for interpretive dance Okay Feel free to insult the judge This is literally true remember I have been insulting people professionally since before you were born a brief introduction My name is Constantine von Hoffman. I am a professional journalist and a former stand-up comic you have been warned By the way, no points deducted for insulting the judge. Okay, don't feel that that will that will so the way This is going to work. I am going to try and use technology Which in itself will be a music Okay, this is one of those fancy wireless mics. I Have seen the professionals use them. I would like Everybody who wants to try their hand at giving an explanation to line up over there I just want you to hand them the mic one at a time Whenever I get irritated All right, and you can join the line as this goes on. Yes, all right questions from the audience I'm going to need a time limit the time limit is when I get cranky in which case you all get negative five seconds The Final rule is thanks and just shut the hell up keep your ball off my lawn All right, so Contestant number one your name for whatever purpose you clear to give it William William That is a boring name William. Sorry All right All right, let's hear it Tell me about what the heck a homestuck is Homestuck is a webcomic written by Andrew Husty webcomic Homestuck is a comic based on the world wide web We had dial up in 1995 don't make me go AOL on you Keep going keep going It was written by the man Andrew Hussie To describe four children playing video games together that causes the apocalypse I'm still not getting over the You know the candy corn stuck on the head, but keep going The premises the earth itself was created by 12 aliens called trolls Their species like can you stand up? Yeah That is what it's all right. That's your final out. That was not a gesture or a word. Thank you William Okay, remember interpretive dance extra points Yes, Martha Graham, whatever you like You know if you can do some Cirque du Soleil get major extra points and your name ma'am is Kathy that is a nice name. I have a cousin and an aunt named that so I'll try not to insult you too badly Too bad you're not up there I would give you points on that one that's good Okay, like you do definitely get extra points for a good insult. Okay, ma'am Play a game and the game is Something like a simulation in that day can build and play with each other's houses. So it's the three little pigs Four little pigs, but Nina the pinto of the Santa Maria and the one that fell off Yes, we had RPGs stop that Okay Unless they can get everyone This we called the Carter administration but keep going and I was playing D&D during the damn Carter administration Oh You are also impressed. You know when they put the a in a D&D. Okay, that was news It's spread very slowly because we were using smoke signals, but yeah Sorry, Kathy So it's also the story of the 12 kids who played the game before them in another universe Because the goal of this game the endpoint of final prize is to create a universe And it's gonna be you know great and beautiful and you're just gonna get to move into it and be the nods Higgs boson I get to refer to things after 1991 Yeah, I cheat you knew that So you get to invent a universe You start in an rpg Four people with candy corn on their head There's no candy corn These people are just trolling me You're welcome We're the trolls that's why they're in another universe. They're now from our universe. No trolls in our universe No, why are there why are there no trolls in our universe? Orcs That's good because I find orcs are very important. I paint a lot of them. It's very That was there that did you see that that was interpretive dance, okay, that was very nice He's getting bigger and more impressive Okay, I'm going to halt you there. You were disappointingly true to the rules Um and even clear Um This is not comedy fodder, but it does score you a lot of points. Thank you kathy senior one eye Forget it. That's your name Okay, go ahead senior Okay I like this So basically as the people before me were saying map they're all after 1995 I wasn't questioning your age All right, so you got one map Apparently maps count for something. I have a very very careful, uh, scoring profile work out here I bet they count for more points map So homestuck is a comic about a game And this game is a lot like super mario brothers. You can go out and get yourself a copy Um question ruling from the judge. Did we have super mario brothers in there? Yes. Thank you Yeah, I I was alive then but my memory is still just what my memory is so we do go I have a I have a close third party, uh, who is here ready to check my, uh, rulings. Thank you So say if someone goes he's on there for game stop you get themselves, uh Super mario brothers and then they go and play the game and eventually when you play You're gonna get yourself into this enemy called bowser and everyone who plays a bowser Yes, so they stole this from mario brothers. Okay Okay, I got that. All right It's a simile. So it's a simile. That's true. He has not used like Or yeah, okay like or what? Yeah, okay It's a comparison I know why he met what he met her for Thank you groucho march. You gotta understand some people are better at playing super mario brothers and other people So bowser is harder for people than You know for other people some some people it's easy now with holstuck. There is also a similar villain to bowser Call jack noir Jack noir. Yes He's Uh, yeah, I know how you know noir is spelled jack noir. Yes For those of you who who weren't alive back then there was a fascinating, uh, type of film Yeah, um, so, uh, all right, so he spent 30 seconds figuring out the name of this villain. Yep. Okay Okay, so When everyone with their own individual copy of spurred, that's the name of the game that they play in holstuck That calls it the whole mess spurb S B U R B spurb Okay I'm not missing anything on that reference. Am I that he was just trying to get something by me. Okay I I'm all right. The other thing you should try and do is make me interested in homestuck. Okay, keep going Okay, so when you're progressing the game and you get to jack noir you realize something about the fellow Oh my goodness that he has a lot of spur And then you see The things that I use to help myself to help me win the game Those are what made Jack noir stronger. So I have to fight him too. Remember wait. No, you lost me We we went from the things that you made to fight the game or something Okay, don't feel that losing me is a bad thing by the way, you know So as you go through the game you use these things to help you and these very things power of jack So he's harder to beat So he has more spurb. He has much more spurb I mean, I'm sorry. That's like fifth grade humor. All right, we're not going we're gonna call it spurb. Okay It's spurb with candy corn. I've got it. So Okay, so So a homestuck is spurb with candy corn, which is really gross That's probably how candy corn are made now that I think of it Okay, now the I don't eat them when the trolls were playing this game They had no problem with jack. They were able to beat him but when they made the Hum the humans universe and the humans started to play the game They powered up jack so much that absolutely no one can beat him. Okay. Thank you very much. Good job I do. No, I I just interrupt people at random. Come on. Give him a hand He explains spurb to me I'm 52 and have a kid and I needed somebody to explain spurb. Okay I'm gonna go on record. Do you want to know my name? Yes, I don't have a quick nickname for you. I'm Nicholas. Nicholas. Oh bad. That's the name of my father. I'm sorry That's five demerits right there. Okay Okay, first of all, I don't know what these guys are talking about because that that's none of that was right at all Okay, first of all But but more importantly More importantly, the essence of homestuck really is about the purpose of homestuck which as has been previously mentioned is to create a universe Now to accomplish this dr. Manhattan Again post 1995. Thank you. But didn't fall for it. Damn it. Okay. Come on Basically in order to do this the game is less of a game and more of a tool to create a new universe So you're a tool I feel the same way I am a tool in the universe Mongo just pawn in tool of universe in a way. That didn't make sense. Never mind. Think of it like universes as organisms reproducing We're back to the spurb metaphor Spurs just an end again It probably means something but I don't really know what that is point is It's a reproductive system of the universe and for this to work and you want me to forget about spurb You are trying to tell me the universe has a reproductive system. How big does it have urethra problems? I mean, are they It's actually got a lot of problems considering it needs the help of uh Completely unrelated creatures in order to help reproduce but that's that's another all together Starting from a standpoint In order for the universe to reproduce It needs to be it needs to have genetics just like any living creature would that's not where I start but okay From a scientific standpoint, all right It needs to have genetics, but to get these genetics What has pointed to next in it already spurb? That's the whole point of it Aside from we had dna back in 1994 aside from the obvious reference to bodily fluids, which is getting very old I'm 52 you have no idea what really old is like If you aren't careful, we will start discussing my prostate issues You just got points and you haven't even gotten up here Do you know the point is to create the universe? It needs the species a species that is coming of age In the universe a species that hits puberty in the universe in a way. Yes, that's actually its voice is breaking It's doesn't know how to talk to people. It's attracted to And it begins from the standpoint of the comic it begins from the prospect of four 13 year olds who are also coming of age So they enter the game, right? And As previously mentioned the boss is powered up by something entered into the game. Now. I feel like that wasn't explained very well Yeah, that would be that would be quite correct. I'm still not sure whether or not that's a good or bad thing though Think of it like When you start the game A dm kind of but they don't dictate the rules. They just explain things to you, right? So it's like the voices in my head It's a little bit like that and much like the voices that are probably in your head. They take the forms of random objects lying around your house No, just my pug talks to me I A pug is a good example. Say for example a pug is always a good example We will not say anything ill of pugs that will disqualify you In order to get this thing to actually explain things to you in a good way You need to put things in it that will make it talk to you. Say for example your pug One of the characters i'm putting my pug into something And your pug would be able to talk and explain the game to you. What do you mean? We'll be able to What do you mean? We'd be able to if you entered the game, which is obviously not going to happen because I did say coming of age A good insult. I love a good insult Hypothetically speaking you could put any objects you wanted into this which is called sprites like a fairy kind of And it explains the game to you Now the final foe that you have to fight in this game Inherit certain traits of what you put in your sprite. Okay. Thank you Good job Oh wait a minute I need you to proceed because I have got the general idea Correct me if i'm wrong and I know you will and I know I will be we have a game We have an rpg type game There are four people in it They are 13 god help us all I do remember what being 13 was like and i'm really sorry for anybody who else has okay, so And there there are other people in another universe Who created them somehow or they created? They won the game So they created the human universe and now they're trying to help these kids beat the game Okay, all right, but you don't have a nickname yet. So because we are as one You are going to be Uh team titan Team What were you expecting? She's gonna win all she has on is a panda She doesn't she has no idea what the home stuckness is and she's gonna win. All right. I'm sorry team titan So take it from this point that we have The people in another universe who are helping someone with an rpg because apparently the rules are really complex And like when they get into the game, they can't get out of it until they I've been in this game Oh, no, I've been in this game It's a whiny guy who lived down the street from me and you could not get him to go away no matter what Are you kidding? He made all his damn saving throws and even the gm was trying to kill him Okay, so if you die in the game you die in real life that kind of removes the game element, but okay All right All right, thank you team titan, okay Hey Team the zodiac is so 70s Okay, so 70s is your nickname It's how you pick up whichever person you are interested in There is a home stuckness of the zodiac The zodiac has a home stuck. Yes. What is the symbol of the home stuck zodiac? Um, all there is which I mean does it come between libra and cancer? Do I get cancer? How many of you are hoping I get cancer? Oh, I'll remember that matt And an extra point Okay, each troll the character has a zodiac symbol on their um on their shirt That's a really original idea. I have to say you've got 12 characters We're gonna put zip. He didn't even go for the chinese zodiac, right? So I'm sorry This is not scoring points with me as an idea Now I also need to remind you you have to tell me why I should pay attention why I should be interested Other than that there apparently is a doctor who will help me with my prostate I The reason you should pay attention to home stuff is that it is when it's a defining um piece of art from the genre from the web coming genre but defining Piece of art. Yes It wait wait wait I think defining piece of art. I think Graphic novels. I think mouse any people have read mouse watchmen, you know the defining They have a deep significance Um spider-man who was born the same year I was and will you never see us in the same place? um just saying So defining piece of art and because I can refer to this and cheat I will for me the defining piece of art in web comics is xkcd. So you are postulating That the candy corn comic rpg Is up there with xkcd a a comic that is about It's an inside joke All right, so we're dealing with an inside joke This is not a great way to get me involved, but I'm I keep keep going. So 70s Very well Well, it is home stock uses every piece of well every medium that it possibly can to tell the story It uses uh, well basic text starting with basics. It uses videos even uh video games um Okay Why come on give me something give me come on make it interesting. I'm dying here. I'm dying I'm trying to trying to give you credit here. I need something that makes me gonna go Yeah, I have to read this Mind you, I'm the guy who reads rise involve the third right for fun. So In a yes, I was there at the time very funny Oh now we're going to pick on my last name. All right We need better jokes. All right. So 70s. I'm going to let you pass the baton All right a hand for so 70s Anyone who's brave enough to wear All right, we have uh We have kind of hipster guy I would say I don't want to tip smartass Oh, you wish. Yeah You got to earn that one here, baby. I can Kathy has smart ass Okay, you got to make you you're got to make that level now. Okay So here is why home stock is so popular and why it is a work of art Those are two opposite things. You do realize that Avatar and titanic are tremendously popular Thank you. Nobody is going. Yeah. Oh wait, but wait, it's a work of art Hey, I'm sure Avatar was great. I had only seen that movie eight to 20 times before Dancing with wolves anybody Insulting indigenous people anybody. All right, so Oh, no, no, I would never bring up the cartoon The blue alien. All right. Wait, wait, wait. Let's go back. Let's go back to my man. Mr. Hipster. Okay Here's what you need to understand about home stock You can't understand it because the artist the author and artist same person is intentionally Fucking with his audience when he writes this I say that because I feel the same way about michael bay movies. I'm not Independence day is a great movie. Just not a rolling emrick michael bay. You're telling me there's different people All right, pacific rim was michael emrick. Okay. Oh good. I'm driving them away They won't get to us. Bye. Sorry. We weren't funnier. Thank you Um, I blame all of them It's a great thing about being old as you can always blame the youngsters. Mr. Hipster, please return Andrew hussy Goes out of his way to make sure that his comic is incomprehensible by using both a strange internal logic That you can't quite get it first but makes sense as it keeps repeating and he also Perhaps the best way to describe home stock is if you mix allison wonderland with James Joyce's you'll see because have you read ulysses? I've tried to read ulysses. Okay, me too. I was just wondering Didn't get very far. All right So you have given me a you have given me a piece of information while illuminating doesn't actually tell me anything And I approve of that because I am a professional journalist So I need but I need more explanation. I need a little less Art criticism here and more explanation. How about I explain why these people love home stock? Well, they're here to explain for themselves. Why do you home stock? I do it because of the interaction that it offers because you don't have a girlfriend or boy Or boyfriend. I don't mean to be This is I I apologize. I have made a cruel cruel assumption. Which is that he is a never mind Thank you, that's all I ask You're doing great The What people have failed to mention they've described the plot as well as you can but the format of the comic Is that of a text adventure which was before 1995? Oh, it definitely was I hated them. Yeah I was alive then shut up Oh, you're in a forest there is something it's a lot of fun as a game today. All right, but it's like You go you spend three hours just trying to find pick up the sword. What's sword? You didn't mention a sword Exactly now imagine that but you can make up whatever the hell you want You tell the author asks you to just input commands and he will do whatever you say They promise that but they never do and the Comic he wrote former to this one of the most up up up sticking to the home stuckness. Okay That is quite difficult just because he makes so many references to his prior comic Yeah, but I'm I then we will have to go into another panel called explain the prior comic to the occlueless old guy But one very popular command was ride whatever like a mechanical bull and he would actually drive draw someone's Riding any object like a mechanical bull. So you all like to ride mechanical bulls I'm asking you. All right. He says it's popular. I believe him No, yes mechanical bull Okay, thank you. I believe you I just wanted to find out but the point I'm trying to say is This is a comic that makes it feel like we can contribute to the story the creation There's even a thriving fan community to it where people can make music albums and he'll host it on the site Okay, all right. Mr. Hipster. That was a very good job. Despite my best attempts to rattle you So mr. Hipster ladies and gentlemen All right, you get extra credit for blue for the milady blue here and you do have just got the best nickname All right, but you lose for those some of those points for the zodiac symbol. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is Um, but milady blue is we will all agree the best nickname so far. So milady blue Mind would be a gross understatement. I would be honored He's really if you think about interest is one what you know, that was superb Unfortunately, I do have to mark you down for a few points because you have actual talent All right, I frown on that because it gives people an ugly comparison and they start noticing my noticing my lack thereof But ladies and gentlemen once again Milady blue. Oh, no, no, no, there's more than one prize here folks You gotta humiliate me first. There's more than there are plenty of prizes to go around And remember i'm cranky. I might not reward people just for talent skill and you know bravery and stuff like that Ms. Portal Good Nick name is honey Okay, I'm not going to pretend that holmstuck is some great master piece the statement of a generation or anything The fact is holmstuck is a really a lot like a road trip movie. I mean What are those really bizarre ones? Okay, and then some people going to like the biggest taco in the usa We called that prom night, but okay It's a bit like it's in san antonio the taco. Okay, it's a bit like Mostly like you're drunk Anyways, but no, no, I didn't feel mostly like I was drunk. All right I felt mostly like I was sane. I was drunk Well, you don't feel sane either but holmstuck is a lot like a road trip movie because most of the time you have no idea what's going on Lots of things are just there and you just gotta go with it The fact is people like holmstuck because they can relate to the characters And while we might not have any idea what can they relate to the trolls or the 13 year olds or the 13 year olds 13 years old sir The trolls are 13 years old. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. It's weird All right, where when they hit 13 like where do the secondary social where do the secondary sexual characteristics? Okay, that's and that is as close to detail as I want on this topic. I was just Underarm hair that's the other one I feel safe asking about I'm clear. All right, so we don't know if they're friends Okay, so continue uh miss portal despite we us not having any idea what's going on We enjoy it because sometimes you will get weird things like I didn't know Those pictures of people doing random things like, you know, the one with the guy with the apple I have no idea. What is it? Oh, you're making a reference to marcel juchamp. Yes Bravo You know, you don't really understand it, but you oh no renay mcgrid. Sorry. I apologize But you can enjoy it for the fact that it's weird And it's also a bit and it's also quite nice to look at like I mean a lot of homestuck has some really good animation And while it might not be the best out there You still enjoy it. So while you might this sounds so much like the 1992 presidential election. It's scary It's not the best out there, but you know, it's got some good jokes. So we're going with that I think that election just was a joke Did you say did it cover me as well? Wait, what? But the point is we don't have any idea what's going on Only only idiots pretend to the fact is we enjoy it We like the characters and And honestly who needs common sense when the author is possibly a centaur There you go Has anybody ever heard of or read a comic called zippy the pinhead? I heard a pinhead Larry though. No zippy the pinhead you should You really have to go read zippy the pinhead. I will uh, I will require this if you want stuff that doesn't make sense Has gorgeous art and makes references to things you'll never understand There you go except it was in you know, they used to call them newspapers. I don't know what you refer to them anymore I'm sorry, ma'am I'm trying to come up with a nickname Pinkie pie Pinkie pie is the best pony as far as I'm concerned Party cannon party cannon there you go She's getting points. She's getting points for the party cannon. All right pinkie pie Well, look I could have gone adventure time, but that would have been obvious. All right Okay, well, I mean Hope suck is something you don't understand. I'm gonna start. Well, we started out. We we could have saved a lot of time You're never going to understand so there's really no point in trying to explain to this whole panel. There you go I can try anyway. I respect the there's no point in explaining it to me. All right I mean, I I I lost track of what everyone was talking about because I was in my own little world Okay And I know that um I'm pretty sure people were talking about the first half. So I'm just going to say you're never going to understand the second half. Okay. Nobody understands the second half twin peaks anyone Okay Yeah, the collected works of david lynch. There we go. Thank you All right I mean, I know I heard you talking about the zodiac signs Yeah, and I just want to start off by saying they're not candy corn as much as they look like candy corn And I know you want to eat it on their head They're not the zodiac signs. I don't the zodiac signs are not candy corn. Well, I'm sorry I know but you're being amusing though. I give you a lot of credit for that I know I was standing a lot. I was getting you're just yeah, you're overheated. You're stunned by my stupidity. I understand Trust me. I have a 17 year old son I'm used to this Oh, I'm old enough to be a grandparent I'm sorry, you just remind me. I'll just be crying. Oh, I remind you of your great And he's been uh, he said Alzheimer's for how long It makes me sad So there's an element of sadness in the homestuckness Okay Everybody dies at least once everybody dies at least once well It's hard for me to get worked up if you get a second shot at by after dying, but all right I'll give it to you. I mean this isn't like the this isn't like the helper cube thing. Okay. It's really confusing because There's so many alternate timelines. You have no idea what's going on. You can't keep up Okay, all right, so it's like following marvel comics. Okay It's like trying to follow A unicorn because you're never gonna find the unicorn. It's like all right that wouldn't that I like that line I think that's good. It's like trying to follow a unicorn. All right You're never going to find one There's no story. There's a storyline. I shouldn't say there's no storyline But it gets so confusing you forget the storyline Okay, so there really is no point in trying to explain it All right pinkie pie ladies and gentlemen Extra credit for pinkie pie for basically bringing in this philosophy of sartan existentialism um A good no exit reference is always worthwhile um and um All right, japanese schoolgirl Um, I would like to clarify that the universe has come most of uh frogs with cancer Oh, you so have my attention It is a very large frog sir His name is billy is slick We'd say that again billy is slick billy is slick All right. This this is so much better than the jack noir, which I think he just like was bored. Okay I can spell it if you would like that's okay. I can I that is one skill that journalism has endowed me with The ability to misspell Would you like me to explain the zodiacs as well? I'm you know, it's your shot at fame Which is really sad Um, but you may explain as you wish Superman whose head is in a cup Yeah, I've said that so often Um cancer is named park hat. Um somewhat unoriginally. Um, and he is very angry and supposedly small Um, so it's like kind of sergeant. You know sergeant frog situation I can refer to it. Um, and um aries is dead and um This She she died of cancer. All right She died of libra She died of leo Died of scorpio that makes more sense. All right, although I would have given him big props for killing someone from from libra. All right The next one I think is chorus and um chorus is kind of A little bit, excuse my language You can use that word. I can't that's fine Um And gem and I um has somewhat a split personality. Oh, there's an original idea. Yeah I was unsure about it myself. Um, and to nephida. Um, sorry. Uh, the Um, leo is uh a furry Um All right, I've I've spent like 52 years avoiding this phrase, but kids these days Okay Is um a vampire and also gay All right, all right, that is so cliche Uh, libra is um represents blind justice. Um, scorpio is pretty cool Do we agree is scorpio? Scorpio is a b word. All right I you know, it's always it's 50 50, you know, somebody finds the cool person to be cool and the other people find them To be the b word. It's okay Okay All right You know, I found that to be true in life as well Your dog is not sweating I'm really disturbed that you know the zodiac sign of your dog Does your dog go to singles bars and try and pick other dogs? You know, hey, what's your sign, baby? Mr. So 70s, you just got extra points for me using that reference. Okay Capricorn is a very dangerous juggler Yeah, I think I got to give you a bath on that one because I don't think insane clown posse was around back in those days Culture which is proud and brave and long-standing started with the team clown posse But it is also very possible that it started after 1995 so I Thank you No questioning who she likes all right Okay Aquarius is kind of a neck beard Again, that is so true in real life. I think you're about to get a candy corn rammed in your ear Okay, now Japanese schoolgirl, I'm going to ask you to pass the pass the baton. You've done a fine job, but Thank you Ladies and gentlemen, Japanese schoolgirl I'm sick Wow insane clown posse was 1989 I'm really depressed about the human race Surfer dude Oh, I'm sorry Elvis surfer dude Let me start out by saying that A lot of the reason that people read homestuck wait, you have an accent. Yes. This is cheating No, it's not Yes You know Americans can't resist British accents. We are going to crown you or something You know, we feel inferior It doesn't matter that it was 225 years ago and that we had to bail you out of two world wars You know, we get nervous You know, we have inferiority. All right, and that's a great job on your ears by the way. Thank you. All right Okay, so let me start out by saying that a lot cheater The reason a lot of us read homestuck is because drugs will kill us What? Um, can I point one? I just want to say two words to you Keith Richards Your point is wrong Thank you. Thank you Yes, if sex drugs in rock and roll killed you somebody you have to explain Keith Richards to me. All right so Oh good. I got her I could try to explain to you the plot, but it would basically be like me trying to explain to you the plot of titanic Having never seen titanic, which of course would be a good thing Yeah, I pretty much it's you know, it's the world's worst. It's the world's largest metaphor. So you know Yeah, oh, I stole that from the onion. It's not mine Are you reading to me the onion? Yes You've said yeah. All right. You got you you haven't mentioned it yet. So you haven't been bad. All right. Keep going I'm really Shit, so the homestuck is a boring bumper sticker Oh now we're gonna call me an American I didn't know was going to get personal that quickly I've lived here for 52 years and I'm a journalist. Do you want me to take it as a compliment? Okay, I grew up under Johnson Nixon Okay Reagan All right, I actually I actually liked the Ford administration. That's how bad my childhood was That's what she said is also acceptable. All right When you were younger, yeah, if we if we can all imagine it When corn cobs walked the earth When you were younger and one of your mates went to a party, right? They had the most incredible time things happened that you would not believe, you know, so yeah, we did a lot of lying You know people were jumping off of the roof or parachutes made out of plastic bags, whatever Like just crazy things that you've never really Here recounts that story to you You don't believe it. Do you? You have to experience it yourself Not to mention the homestuck was written after 1995 And if it's nothing like anything before how could I possibly explain it to you using references from before night to night? Metaphor similarly, of course you can You are doing fine until you wandered off into logic and rhetoric, okay You tried to make a you tried to try to fend the whole 1995 rule And I mean I you know I can explain Shakespeare without making a single reference to 1995 You think that made sense It's not A true Like masterpiece. It's no I don't even know who said who this is, but it's no Ulysses. I promise you it's no Shakespeare You need it's just a clusterfuck of things that teenagers like We called that rock and roll high school when I was young That's what it is and you need to experience it for yourself. All right. I'm sorry Elvis surfer girl Thank you very much, please Someone has to All right, and am I right about her cheating with the accent am I right, you know, you just like oh you have an accent You have a puppy too, don't you okay Yes, bloody waitress I'm gonna be wearing candy corn on my head tomorrow bloody waitress with candy corn on the side gotcha I'm just wondering where you are so far Oh A good two to three sentences past where I was when I walked in so don't worry about that Um, you know just I think we can assume that I got the rpg the universe the non sequiturs Um And my memory doesn't go much longer than that anyway, so Yeah All right You just have to understand that if you ever decide to read this comic that it will have Whole novels of conversations that are very very Interesting. All right. What is interesting about them? There's a lot of you know insults mostly Okay, a lot of insults so it's Christmas at my parents All right, thanksgiving too He comes up with a lot of new things that you've never heard before and you might pick up some of that stuff Okay, new things I haven't heard before okay It's interesting to learn new things, but that means I get something else goes away. You don't understand It's the Homer Simpson thing. I can learn new things and one thing else goes away And That's what I said. I'm just old. What do you think? Oh wait? That's a brutal attack. Have I been pretending anything else? That's the lamest insult going. Oh, you're just old. Oh great. Yeah Did any was anyone not aware that I was an old idiot? Oh, look, nobody's raising their hands. All right You didn't know I was old You think this is hair color? All right. Wait, wait, wait. We're interested. We're interrupting bloody waitress Bloody waitress So about the hole for getting thing that's mostly where you are during the comic You will read further in because there's just so much To like read it's too much. Okay I'm gonna have to interrupt you because we're about to hit the speed section We are running out of time And at my age that's important So please hand the baton on to um The patriotic person behind you you each have two minutes Okay, first of all, I'm not gonna explain it like it's over us Book club and I'm not gonna explain it like it's Rolling Stones. I'm faggable Awesome, but I'm basically gonna put the clip notes version of it. Yes by curious kids and their preteens a bunch of other great kids chess piece people dreams and magic a very big frog And some other crazy bullshit. That's pretty much it Okay With time to spare, please hand the baton on Wait, wait, wait When were you born? What year? Long after this concert t-shirt Okay How many albums do you have of this particular band? All of them This is actually just a question of curiosity Do you smoke pot? No Fire These are exclusive mutually exclusive points then All right It is not possible Wish you were here was the new state state song of colorado. All right, that's um um, so Yes, shine on you crazy diamond you listened because why All right, I would accept something besides pot. I mean that you know, but uh Okay, you have it. Okay. So you're snorting Ritalin. Okay Mr. Floyd, but I have no idea what that is Mr. Floyd Pretty much a jack the record who wants to kill anything and everything Because Well, that didn't exactly open my mind. It does feel like a Pink Floyd song. All right that Yeah, you know Pink Floyd songs Equals homestuck that Yeah, I go with that metaphor with that parallel rather I was alive during the 70s in the Pink Floyd bloom Uh, it was an ugly time The Ramones were were just you know, we didn't get to hear the Ramones until you know at the time and we had to put up with God, you have no idea when the eight minute guitar solo was introduced to america It I mean, I swear to god. It was as bad as the great depression Oh I know I know you're talking to a guitarist who has played eight minute guitar solos Speaking of taking points off your marks Is your name Oh Django Reinhardt Do you know who Django Reinhardt is? I know a you For you scoring in the audience. That's the greatest jazz guitarist in history. All right Only had three fingers on one hand. So you might want to look into getting rid of some years All right Homestuck When did that come in? anyway It's a lot like a mixture of Wait, you got two minutes Everybody spends most of the thing walking to Mordor. All right Right And But eventually somehow it fits in and you say, oh, I remember that thing from however many Okay, thank you. We have my summation would be here that homestuck is pink Floyd douglas adams Um bad guitar solos Okay I'm cosplaying a character that's from the 80s. So therefore I get to say my name. I am noriaki tokyo and Yeah, but you're just going to be 80s guy All right, so um you got two minutes I've got a lot of prizes. So you got to get A lot of people would say that homestuck is a silly story about a bunch of silly kids doing silly things That's um, you've just described most of american literature. Thank you I'm sorry, mr. Mr. Scary guy with the sunglasses, but we this is our final contestant Sorry That is not an abs description of homestuck Homestuck is In essence of you. Why did everybody give up on the interpretive dance? Okay I try Homestuck is a view it's a vehicle. It's a vehicle for something called is it a fort pinto? A you go it's a vehicle for something called shipping we call that fedex in my world Is These two characters and says now what would happen if they were to like make out or something Oh, so this is slash fiction. All right. Thank you All right I you you have one more sentence. I am being told by the great powers that be I got to wrap this up because actually somebody does come on after me I've also been told At this rate. All right, come on one more sentence. Um, well, I've been told it gets better with time Yeah, and I've been I've been trying to say that for years and nobody has believed me Uh, you could ask her She's over there What do you mean? Who do you think because I'm keeping an eye on me? All right All right, so come on one more sentence All right, ladies and gentlemen 80s guy All right our first prize of the night goes to a panda lady Yes, you get some circus peanuts Who else is harassing me? None of the rest of you are very harassing. What was wrong with you? Okay, I am going to go with Signior one eye The first bag of corn nuts goes to corn nuts What are corn nuts? If you're gonna find out It is going to go to So 70s Japanese girl Yes, congratulations Corn nuts Thank you So as you we have all determined beforehand It's battered acid Milady blue first prize Three bottles of moxie Happy second prize models of diet moxieatively different. Thank you all very much. I'm certainly older than when I came in