 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, men are logical and women are emotional, is crap. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button, I'd really appreciate it. Also, this is officially your explicit language warning. I do occasionally use expletives to enhance a sentence and if that's not your cup of tea, then I highly recommend turning off this video right now if you're watching the replay or you're listening to live stream because there is gonna be explicit language probably throughout this video. All right, let's just jump into our topic. Men are logical and women are emotional, is crap. So let me tell you where this topic was born. I was watching one of my contemporaries on an interview for a podcast and they're a relationship coach and they were talking about the differences between men and women that men are logical and women are emotional. So ladies, if you wanna connect with a guy, you have to use thinking words and a man if you wanna connect with a woman, you have to use feeling words and I listened to this rhetoric and I just wanna say, I just wanna stick my finger down my throat and go, ah, I mean, I'm like, come on, let's be real for a second. Let's be real for a second because if this was so true, if men are truly so ridiculously logical, then why are men so absolutely irrational in their life? Let me repeat that, why are men irrational in their life? And so, and if women are just so emotional and they're just so tied into their emotions, then why are women so irrational in their lives? And when I say so and I'm dramatizing this, it's because we've been indoctrinated into a relatively new phenomena that men are from Mars and women are from Venuses and the whole problem in human relationships happen to be the gender differences and if you understand the gender differences that all of a sudden, magically your relationship is gonna work out when you understand how men work. Now, there's kind of an irony because when I started my website, I called it understand men now. Now, let me just share this with you. The reason why I started my website called understand men now is because women are fascinated with what men do. Women are absolutely fascinated. Women buy books trying to understand men far exceeds the number of books that men try to understand women. In fact, men barely buy books trying to understand women. In fact, most of the books men buy to try to understand women is not to understand women, it's how to meet women, okay? So to the extent that most issues that men have with women centers around the confidence in meeting women whereas women will buy book after book after book after book after book trying to understand men. Why are men liars? Why are men ghosters? Why are they cheaters? Why are they nurses? Why, why, why, why, why, why? And all this stuff will drive us fucking crazy. And so coming back to this notion that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is look, we all come from one planet, planet Earth, okay? We come from the planet Earth. And while there are biological differences between men and women and there's even sociological differences within men and women, there certainly are. You can't wrap it all up in a nice package and say, this is gonna solve your problem, understanding that men have higher testosterone so they need to go into their cave a little bit more. Like, okay, that might be true and this whole notion that men are more logical but I want you to think about this for a second. A man with 150 IQ may not be the same as a man with a 90 IQ. Let me repeat that, a man with a 90 IQ may not be the same as a man with 150 IQ. So there's even within men, there's differences of logic between them. And a woman might, there might be one woman who's very sensitive, we'll call that, we won't use emotional, we'll say sensitive and then we have other women that are actually devoid of their feelings, devoid of their feelings. In fact, women can be as equally emotionally unavailable as men. Women can be avoidant personalities just like men. So the only reason why I call this men are logical and women are emotional is crap is because we have to throw away the gender narratives. And by the way, ladies, the only reason why I tend to focus based on gender, it's because you wouldn't click the button if it was based on just being human. Let me repeat that, you would not click the button if this just said people. For some reason, human beings are so fascinated is I've got to figure out men. I've got to figure out men because if I figure out men, my whole relationship life will just magically work out perfectly. Let me repeat that. So many of you have been indoctrinated into this belief that if you understand male behavior that all of a sudden your relationship woes are just gonna naturally fall into place as if men are really good in relationship. Let me repeat that as if men are really good at being in relationship. And I'm here to say most men are rather clueless when it comes to the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. And quite frankly, if men are clueless and women accept that cluelessness, then they're just as equally clueless as men. Or at least this is my perception of how I've observed human behavior. Now, what I've also noticed is that the best relationship books have nothing to do with gender. Let me repeat that, the best relationship books have nothing to do with gender. Let's start with my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? This has nothing to do with gender. It's not based on gender. Self-love is not singular to men or women or any type of variation of that. It's all about self. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And by the way, I also encourage therapy and seeking professional medical treatment if one needs so in my book. So it's not singular to self-help is the only solution, but I just wanna put that out there. Another great book, eight dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight dates by Dr. John, not gender-based, you know? How to be an adult in relationship. Not gender-based, non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, non-gender-based. You know, if the Buddha dated, non-gender-based. See, part of our problem when it comes to dating, mating and relating is we've set ourselves up for failure by pitting the genders against one another, especially with gender expectations that men are the chivalrous one and they're just gonna claim you and ladies, all you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy and just things will magically work out. You know, that's such a crock of shit that it'll just magically work out because basically what that's saying is be friendly, be fit, be cooperative and be submissive and your relationship will magically work out because men know what they're doing. And if this was so true, then why is the number one search term by women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Why do men ignore me? Why do men fear intimacy? This is what you're searching for. You're trying to figure out the answers, but here's the problem is it's not singular to a gender because human beings are riddled with childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas that cause them to be rather dysfunctional in relationship. Let me repeat that human beings, penises and vaginas. When I say human beings, penises and vaginas are riddled with dysfunctionality. This is why I highly recommend ordering the book, excuse me, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process to do a deep dive into your childhood wounds and traumas because here's the bottom line when it comes to being in a healthy, happy relationship, it requires two fundamentals to be in a healthy, happy relationship that have nothing to do with gender. Those two fundamentals are emotional maturity and understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Let me repeat that emotional maturity and understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. So when I pulled out this book, How to Be an Adult in Relationship, that's the emotional maturity piece. And then when I pulled out this book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, this is understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. By the way, all the books I recommend are in the description under Jonathan recommends books. My book is under selflovethebook.com because if you don't understand, God, did you hear that high pitch? My voice went high pitch for a second. If you don't understand, I feel like Peter Brady and the Brady Bunch when his voice changed. If you don't understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship and you yourself are not emotionally mature to be in relationship, then your relationship is doomed regardless. And by the way, let me tell you something about women. Women tend to believe they are far more emotionally mature than men. Let me repeat that women tend to believe that they're far more emotionally mature than men. And I can tell you as a man in the dating realm, that is bullshit because I see women who have trust issues. I see women who have abandonment issues. I see women who have fear of intimacy issues. I see women who have terrible communication skills. I mean terrible communication skills. If you wanna get a sample of this, then I highly recommend watching. There's a series on Showtime. If you don't have Showtime, you may wanna go check it out. The series is called Couples Therapy. Couples Therapy. And this is true hidden behind the scenes sessions, of real therapy sessions, hidden cameras. And these are couples, men and women alike as well as heterosexual, homosexual couple or there's a lesbian couple in season one and then there's a gay couple in season two. And my thing is the women are equally bad at expressing themselves to their partner just as men. The women are equally as bad as the women. So this whole notion that women are far more superior communication is a crock of shit. Part of the reason is women tend to, by the way, this goes back to this idea of men are logical and women are emotional, but quite frankly, human beings are fucking irrational when it comes to dating, mating, and relating in human behavior. So why do I, okay, first off, why am I screaming at the top of my lungs? Let me bring it back in for a second because I just want you to hear me. I know you can hear me, okay? But I'm very passionate about this because I'm here to say that this whole problem, this whole thing like act like a lady and think like a man or men are from Mars or women are from Venus or this stupid fucking book called The Rules has ruined it for you women, for human beings. So I won't say women. Now, are there nuggets in there? Absolutely, each one of these books have some value. What doesn't have value is when we pit one gender against the other, when we pit the genders against one another, and that's what's happening frequently in the dating, mating, or relating realm is we're pitting the genders against one another and this is why there is a lack of real connection happening because what's missing is most human beings, men and women alike, are more focused on what they can get than what they can get. Let me repeat that, men and women and women are just as bad. I know women, you guys are the martyrs, you feel like you've given your all to a relationship. He was a narcissist and he abused me and used me and everything else. And yes, you're the martyr because you were the victim in all of this. Let me just say this, if you tolerate bad behavior that's not on him, that's on you. Or let me rephrase, it's not on them, it's on you, okay? If you tolerate bad behavior, if you compromise your boundaries, if you don't stick to your standards, that's not on the other person, that's on you. But Jonathan, I loved them so much and I was so in love with them. You know what, here's the thing, for all of you people out there that claimed you loved the other person but you threw them under the bus when things didn't go your way, because if you genuinely loved the person, you would actually want them to be happy whether they're with you or not. Let me repeat that, if you genuinely love the other person, you would want them to be happy whether you're with them or not. But I can tell you, there's a significant percentage of people watching this or will be watching this that simply believe that they're better than their last partner because they feel like they were used in their last relationship. And by the way, I'm not here absolving bad behavior. Let me repeat that, I'm not here to absolve bad behavior. If you have to call a doctor, an attorney or a policeman, then you have every right to actually feel some level of victimization, okay? If you actually had, but if you don't have to call any one of those three people, then you have to take ownership in your part of what happened in a relationship and this isn't gender-based. This is why this whole thing, because let me tell you something, men can be incredibly irrational in their life, just like women can be incredibly irrational in their life. So this whole notion that men are more logical and women are more emotional doesn't benefit you until you actually work on your own stuff. Let me reframe that. What's more important is rather than focusing on what's the differences in the genders, why not focus on where we're alike? And first and foremost, where we're alike is that most of us are rather emotionally dysfunctional, weak and unskilled when it comes to communicating our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, when it comes to being in an interpersonal relationship. This is why I recommend all of these books I recommend to help you shore up your emotional maturity so you can be more aligned to attracting someone else who matches your emotional maturity. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I hope it is. So this is just my clip note version of what I think is just crap is this whole notion that men are more logical and women are more emotional. It doesn't really matter because I know some women who are absolutely, they're all in their head and they're ultra analytical. And I know men who are ultra sensitive in their emotions. So let's stop worrying about the differences in the genders and let's start working on ourselves. Can we do that? Can we do that, please? Can I get an amen? Can I get a thumbs up, please? All right, I think this would be a good time to start answering questions. Really quickly, if you do have a question, please write the word question and then post the question in the comment section of the live chat. Also, you can purchase a super sticker or a super chat. The money that I get from the super sticker and super chat goes to a foundation I'm creating for my son Connor who passed away. The foundation is to help support a scholarship fund for those who need personal development work and I'm gonna be helping them along the way with this fund. So again, if you purchase a super sticker, super chat to either honor me or Connor or have a question post there or you can write the word question. Now really quickly before we get started, just a heads up for those of you who are my fans, I haven't been feeling well for the last few days. I've had a gastrointestinal problem. I had a stomach bug. It did not feel well. I'm only about 80% today. Yesterday was Father's Day and sadly I was by myself because my oldest son was out of town. My youngest is obviously in heaven and my father lives in another country. So it was a tough day for me but I did get myself a gift that I'd like to share with you all and I got myself a license plate frame and I wonder if you can see this. It says, salty love in honor of Connor. Salty love in honor of Connor, salty love. Connor's nickname is Salty and I thought this would be a great gift, my Father's Day gift to myself. So my foundation is called salty love and it's kind of taking the bitter sweetness of what's taking Connor's nickname, salty and the bitter sweetness of his passing is that love can be a little bit bittersweet. And I just want us to all remember that when we have love in our heart, even the worst things that can happen in our lives doesn't mean it has to bring us down. It doesn't mean we have to fold or collapse as human beings when we lose a relationship, when we lose a loved one, when some tragedy happens. Again, if you don't have to call a doctor, an attorney or a policeman, I believe we're all learning new ways to love on ourselves and that's my invitation for every one of you is to find new and better ways to love on yourself. And again, my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? All right, so we're gonna do Q&A right now. So let's see what we've got. By the way, everyone, thanks for the kind wishes, I appreciate that. Okay, Yvonne writes, question. Oh, and by the way, let's try to make the theme centered around the differences between men and women. So I'd like that to be the theme, but it doesn't have to be in the question. So Yvonne writes, a guy wants to take me out on Sunday, but is wishy-washy about plans, makes excuses, says he's tired where I'm at and where he's at. So, okay, so today is Monday, Sunday is seven days to six days from now and he's wishy-washy about plans. Is this a boyfriend? Is this your first date? Is this someone you're in relationship with? I mean, I need a little bit more, but he's making excuses, says he's tired where I'm at and where he's at. So he's basically telegraphed. This is not a male or female thing. This is telegraphing that he basically is not making a plan. Now, you can make a plan for Sunday. You can say, hey, why don't you come over to my place and we'll go walk across the street and there's a great sushi restaurant a mile away from my live. That's one way you can set the plan or you can just say, hey, if you haven't made a plan, I'm making plans to do something else. Okay, let me repeat that. You could say, since you haven't made a plan for this Sunday, I've made plans to do something else and I just wanna give you a heads up on that. But my question is, if this is a first date versus a committed relationship, if this is a committed relationship, I'd like to get to the bottom of what's really happening in this relationship. I'm sure there's a lot more going on, whatever excuses he's making. I'm sure there's some chaos going on in his life and he's incapable of leaning into a fully committed relationship. That's my suspicion. So thank you for your question, Yvonne. I don't think I really helped but at least I gave you some thoughts to consider. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. Let's go through this. Let's see. All right, Sadie writes, question. Jonathan, what are your views on micro cheating? Ooh, a man messaged me and flirted with me but he was engaged. I cut him off. Now he's single and wants to date me. Can he be trusted? He's 65. What are your views? Well, first off, I don't know what micro cheating is. Now, there's something called, here, hold on. There's a book by Dr. Sherry Myers. There's a book by Dr. Sherry Myers called Chatting or Cheating. Now, there is a form of cheating called emotional sex. So there's the physical aspect of cheating which is physical sex or there's another aspect of cheating called emotional sex. So what I suspect or at least I think what you're getting at is that there was some level of emotional connection towards you. There was an indication of wanting to cheat but it wasn't an actual cheat. So I don't call that micro cheating. Is micro cheating a person with a small penis cheating? I don't know. I mean, is that what a micro cheating is? Is macro cheating a guy with a big penis? I don't know. But what I suspect you're really talking about is some level of emotional sex. In other words, someone is in a relationship with someone else but they're engaging emotionally in relationship with someone else. That's, I wouldn't call that micro cheating. I would call that emotional sex. My thoughts on it, as far as going forward, you've got to answer that for yourself. You know, what is that? How do you feel about that? By the way, ladies, I just want to say something. A lot of your questions, you have to ask these for yourself, okay? Because what's most important is how do you feel about it? How do you feel about this behavior? If it doesn't resonate with you, then I wouldn't engage. It's just as simple as that. If that behavior doesn't resonate with you, either discuss the behavior with the person or don't engage with the person. It's very binary, okay? Either discuss it or don't engage. But I don't know what other information you need other than I can just say that what I suspect is happening is emotional cheating but not an actual physical cheating. And by the way, women do have emotional sex far more than men have emotional sex. Let me repeat that. Women have emotional sex. Women in marriages or in relationships cheat far more on an emotional level. And what I mean by emotional level, I mean our words and our feelings, not the penis and the vagina, okay? That's what I just mean by that. So I'm just gonna say women tend to cheat far more than men on an emotional level than men do. But anyway, I don't think I really answered your question but I really appreciate the settlement of it. Thank you so much. All right, let's see what other questions are here. Again, if you have a question, post the word question or purchase a super sticker. Okay, actually Lisa wrote something. Society encourages us not to take personal responsibility anymore. Blame others. Oh my God. Here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple. We're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. Oh my God. We are riddled with human beings that take no personal responsibility for their choices. It's always men's fault. It's always women's fault. It's always the government's fault. It's always this person's fault but people don't take ownership in their lives. That's why when I said before, when I hear the rhetoric, for example, on narcissism, it's all narcissists, narcissists, narcissists. Well, do you know what's so funny? Do you know one of the fundamentals of narcissists is they choose weak people. They don't choose emotionally strong people. They choose emotionally weak people. So if you're an emotionally weak person, then you might wanna do all this work before you engage in relationship with another human being. Because if you don't take ownership on your part and look at, listen, I am not here to absolve bad behavior by any human being and verbal abuse by any human being. But the reality is, is we were abused by our parents significantly. We were abused by our, by the way, I was bullied as a child. I was bullied as a child. Many of you were bullied as children but I don't sit there and go, that's the reason why I'm fucked up. I take ownership, now, look at it. And I wish I had the strength as a child to stand up to bullies. I do now, I didn't then, but I don't blame them for it. It's just part of the experience I had to get to this place in my life and every experience you had got you to this place in your life. And that's what's most important. You have a chance. Either get busy living or get busy dying. We can blame everybody else but look at when there's blame. There's three fingers pointing back at ourselves. And by the way, I know some of you that have feel like you have every just cause to blame but it's like what Dr. Phil says. How's that working for you? Blame doesn't benefit your life going forward taking personal responsibility for your choices, being in victor consciousness, your actions. By the way, read this book. The four agreements, the four agreements. Be impeccable with your word. Always do your best. Don't take things personally and don't allow the projection of others to affect your chi. That's the fundamentals of this book. If you follow this book, no one can fuck with you. Oh, by the way, with my book as well. These two books combined. Oh my God, gold. By the way, there's a link below. By the way, if any of this is resonating with you and you'd like to speak to me as a coach, check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, let's see what other questions we have. These are really good, so thank you. Ah, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Question, question, write a question. Oh, there's a super sticker from Lynn. Thank you so much. Tisk, tisk wrote, love is not based on sex. Love comes as a choice after the sex. You choose to care and show compassion, which is really what love is, compassion and care. By the way, love is not based on sex, that's true. Love comes as a choice after sex. I disagree with that. And let me just share with you where my disagreement is. I operate from a place of love even before I have sex with a woman. We can all start from a place of love before the penis ever goes inside the vagina. Being loving, being caring, being compassionate can happen well before sex. So I just wanna say, it's not a choice after sex, okay? It's a choice actually before sex, in my opinion. Being compassionate, caring, kind, well before you have sex in my book. But that's just my book anyway. Thank you, Tisk, Tisk, I really appreciate that. Ha, ha, or ha, right. You speak with such enthusiasm, Jonathan, that I fear for your blood pressure. Well, I do take blood pressure medicine, so I fear for it as well. Actually, my blood pressure medicine is a diuretic because I have a little bit of too much sodium in my diet and I try to cut out sodium, but the blood pressure is relative to having a little bit more, too much fluid. But thank you, I appreciate that. He seems like he wants a free maid. I don't know what that means, so okay. If you have a question, post the word question. Oh, here we go, Teresa writes. Question, I dumped my fiance because he was getting pornos from his ex, pornos from his ex-wife and getting off on them. I considered this cheating. Do you consider that cheating? He did this with other women, too. I guess you can, you know what, again, what matters most is that you didn't consider it very, you did not find that acceptable behavior from your partner, okay? Now, I think if someone is getting nude pictures from their ex-spouse and then masturbating to them, you know, human beings are, I mean, human beings are fucking fascinating to me. I'm gonna tell you something, the reason why I'm so passionate about this, not a day goes by that I don't hear something unique. I mean, by the way, I've heard it all and that's not, I mean, that's a little bit unique. Oh, my heart-blend blood pressure is going. But I'm just fascinated, human beings do some of the stupidest shit. I mean, it just cracks me up. But what's that a reflection of to me is probably just not a fully engaged partner in your relationship and my suspicion that his emotional maturity is rather weak, which now my question is, how is your emotional maturity if this behavior is unacceptable and you set a boundary and he keeps crossing the boundary, then my question for you is why, what's the definition of insanity? What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My question for you is, what do you wanna do about that? That's what I'd like to hear you say. By the way, my coffee cup today, I'm drinking coffee, I swear a little, you'll feel better. Hence why I use expletives to enhance the sandwich. Alrighty, great question. Well, not a great question, but a good question, Theresa. Thank you so much. What makes a great question is when I can go into real detail. All right, if you have a question, post it below. All right, Grace writes, question. The man I'm dating had 10 questions for me to answer. I asked him to answer his own. He did. He calls texts and seems interested. Do you think this is genuine? Hey, I think that's great. Any man that asks you questions about you and you do the same for him, that's a great start. That's a great start. So I think that's, do you think it's genuine? Here's the thing about it being genuine. You gotta lean into your own heart and really tap into your intuition and say, does it feel sincere and genuine? Now there's people that can actually hide their emotions and lie and that sort of thing, but most people aren't that sophisticated enough to be true sociopaths. So my guess is it's probably rather genuine. Does it mean he's a good candidate to be in relationship? Do you mean you're a good candidate to be in relationship? We don't know yet. That's why it's called dating. Dating is a, the purpose of dating is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in relationship with someone. Let me repeat that. The purpose of dating is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in relationship with someone. The purpose of a relationship is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in partnership with someone or if you're only seeking something casual. Let me tell you, most humans at midlife are only capable of a casual relationship. I would say well over 80%, 80% of humans are really only capable of a casual relationship. That's basically companionship, connection and sex without any real destination. If that's all they're capable of, men and women alike. In fact, Esther Perrell wrote a fantastic book called Mating Incaptivity, Mating Incaptivity. And one of the things she talks about in her blogs and podcasts is something called stable ambiguity, stable ambiguity. What that means is there's monogamy and exclusivity but what's ambiguous is where's this relationship going? That's because most humans don't know how to build a healthy, happy relationship together. Most men are rather clueless and they're winging it. They're winging it, they're winging it. And by the way, if men are winging it, you're winging it. Because if you're not reading, like here's a great book to read, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zoop. Oh, by the way, I have to stop for a second. Someone recently said in a comment, all you do, Jonathan, is pitch others books. You provide no value. I wanna say, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Educating human beings through material. By the way, when you go to college, okay? You know, you go to college, you're carrying your books around in school, all the books written by authors that aren't your teachers, okay? I'm just giving you, I'm just schooling you. I'm just giving you, this is just a perspective. I'm just offering a perspective. And I recommend reading these books to increase your chances for success because let's face it, 80% of relationships fail. Let me repeat that, and I'm gonna scream this at the top of my lungs, 80% of relationships fail. Whether it's marriages or relationships, they fail. Because humans don't know how to fucking get along with one another because they're not emotionally mature and they don't know the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. This has nothing to do with the penis and the vagina. Okay, it has nothing to do with men and women. It has to do with human beings that are rather fucking clueless. All right, I'm going off on my tangent. I'm gonna reel it back in. All right, anyways, Grace, do I think he's genuine? You gotta tell me. All right, let's see what we have here. Okay, Lisa writes, question, what do you say when a man asks you if you live alone? I feel like many of them are, wait, I feel like many of them are only seeking sex. Oh, by the way, well, that's a great question. By the way, I think the reason why I would ask that question is because I wanna know if they're an empty nest or not. Do you have children at home? Are you responsible for another human being? Are you a caretaker for someone else? Because if I'm gonna be in relationship with you, I'd like to hang out at your home with just you and I. So it's interesting that you thought about that was only seeking sex. Now, if he's asking you that as a first before you've ever met him, I ask that question just like I said, that might be a question. Well, I'd simply say, are you an empty nester? Do you have children at home? Are you a caretaker for anyone? Another way of saying it is deal it alone. I don't see anything nefarious about that. I actually think that's a great question. By the way, let me just say something, Lisa. Every man thinks about sex on a first date. Wait, first off, not Lisa. Everybody hear me on this. Every man is thinking about sex on a first date. If you ladies haven't figured out this point, stop dating, learn this lesson because that's what's on our mind as emotionally evolved as I am. I'm thinking, am I gonna want, do I wanna fuck this person at some point in my life? And what's my chances of getting laid on the first date? Now, do I actually act upon it? No, but am I thinking it? You gotta be absolutely. If I'm attracted to someone, I've had sex with her 30 times before she got to the dessert, if we went out to dinner. So that's just human behavior. So I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. At least that's my impression anyway. Lisa, thank you for your question. Okay, Bonnie writes, question, why do men hide or avoid you if you ask a question they don't like? Wasn't a difficult question and I'm very able to handle the truth, much better than avoidance or lies. So, Bonnie, was the question you asked him, do I look fat in this dress? Was that the question you asked him? Because I'm gonna tell you something, I don't wanna answer that question. Did you ask him a question that was very intimate and personal and he doesn't feel safe with you? That might be a question that might be difficult. Folks, you all know I lost a child or if you don't, most of you know that my 19 year old son passed away and if you don't, I'm sharing it with you now. Sometimes someone can ask me a question that triggers, I mean, it could be an off the wall question but it triggers me thinking about my son and in that moment, I completely withdraw within. Does that make me an emotionally unavailable person? No, it just means something got triggered. So I wouldn't overthink this, okay? But just to understand that if you're in a relationship with someone, it's important to develop the skills to communicate at an emotional level. This is why I highly, highly, highly recommend reading this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This should have been called Compassionate Communication. But I wouldn't over, well, at least my feeling is, let me go back to this. Just understand that sometimes when we get triggered, it's our natural reaction to recoil inward. Doesn't make the person a bad person, it doesn't make them disingenuous. It just happens to be a very natural human behavior, men and women alike. So what you might think is benign might be something triggering for him. So why don't you share, Bonnie, what the question was and let's discuss that and I can then tell you whether or not that's something to really, to think about, okay? All right, bump, bump, bump. All right, Hazel says, wait a minute. You don't ask the question to a guy that's for you to know if you're fat and that's your insecurity. Exactly, I'm just being, I was using that as a rhetorical one. Kimberly says, I think about sex on a first or second date. I asked, could I have sex and then make love to him the rest of my life? See, women do the same thing. So, and by the way, yes, women, by the way, women will reject a man because they don't figure, they look at a man saying, I could never have sex with them. Sex is on the mind of human beings. In fact, the older we get, we figure we have a short window to have sex in our life. So we're very much on our minds on a regular basis. So anyway, thank you, Kimberly, I appreciate that. Okay, Zim writes, question. Is it okay for a guy like, is it okay for a guy like me to get a vasectomy? After a famous bisexual lady just got pregnant again, she has her own documentary. She inspired me to do this, should I do it? That's a very personal question, Zim. If you don't want to have children, I certainly, if that's something you don't want to have, then I certainly think you have every, if you have every desire to want to do that, again, it's not a hundred percent guaranteed. I know that as a man ages, his sperm level drops down, but even men in their 80s can procreate children. So I think that's a personal question. And nowadays, you can have it done, they can put you in the twilight sleep and have it done in just a few minutes, so or however long it takes, but there is no guarantee. And yes, somebody can get pregnant after having that, but it certainly puts the odds in your favor of not getting someone pregnant. All right, Yvonne writes, God bless you, Jonathan. Thank you so much, Yvonne, I appreciate that. All right, do we have a question? Question, okay, Darlene writes, I met someone that is interesting. I asked the question, do you see yourself married one day, too old to waste time? He said, no, maybe if I meet someone special, our thoughts. You know, here's the thing about midlife. Most folks, by the way, the divorce rate on second and third marriages is higher than the first. So a lot of people are reluctant to get remarried. So then this is actually one of the fundamental problems with partnership. So you have to decide for yourself, what does partnership look like for you? Now, oftentimes, see, I believe a lot of men operate from the premise of, I'll believe it when I see it, I'll believe it when I see it, I'll believe it when I see it. And what I mean to say is, they somehow believe that if they magically feel so fucking wonderful, they'll get remarried. My belief is a little bit different. I operate from the premise, when I believe it, I will see it. When I believe it, I will see it. Not when I'll believe it when I see it. And what I mean to say is, I operate from the premise, I wanna get remarried. So I'm thinking about, I'm actually on the hunt for a wife, okay? I'm on a hunt for a wife. Even at my age, I'm in midlife, I'm in my fifties. I'm on a hunt for a wife. I operate differently. When someone's not on the hunt for a wife, they just somehow hope that magic fairy deaths will make them change their minds. And most of the time that doesn't work. So my invitation is, and by the way, 80%, I'm gonna make up a number here, but most people at midlife don't wanna get remarried. Men and women alike. So then what does partnership look like for you? What does partnership look like for you? Only you can answer that for yourself, going, that's why, again, read this book, Spiritual Partnership. Read the book, Eight Dates. Read the book, Eight Dates. So you can design your own relationship together. Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna say something. What's missing in the dating process today is a desire to actually co-create a relationship. And the problem is this. I want you to think of a relationship like a 500-piece puzzle. Wait, hold on one second. Where's my puzzle? All right, I found it. Here's a 500-piece puzzle, okay? 500-piece puzzle. Now here's the problem with midlife relationships. When you're in your 20s, you each come to the table with 10, 20, 30, 40 pieces, okay? And what happens is you're building a life together and you're making this puzzle of 500 pieces, right? The problem with midlife is I come to the table with 490 pieces, you come to the table with 490 pieces. And we have no fucking clue how to make a 500-piece puzzle, okay? Because you have your life, he has his life and you don't know how to blend them together and take away all the pieces that don't matter. So this is where compromise comes in and as people mature in age, they become very set in their ways. They don't want to compromise. Women oftentimes compromise way more than men because you ladies give your power away to men because you've been indoctrinated in this whole. Men are the providers and men are the protectors and men are chivalrous and they're just gonna claim you and all you do is sit back and you're filming an energy and everything will magically work out. Oh, I hate that fucking stupid narrative and rhetoric. It doesn't work. What works is two people that say we wanna be in partnership with one another. How the fuck are we gonna make this work? It requires intentionality, intentionality, being intentional in the process. And if you're not intentional, you're winging it, you're winging it. Is this resonating? Is this making sense? Ladies, you can wish men to be chivalrous and claim you all they want but most of them are fucking clueless because they don't understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship let alone have the emotional maturity and quite frankly, if they don't, you don't either because you're accepting always that kind of behavior. Stop giving your power away to men. Own your sovereignty. Own your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, self-reliance. Ladies, the minute you give your power away to man, he basically, by the way, when you do that, just understand he gets to dictate how this relationship is. So when he decides he wants to pull away because he can't handle the emotional responsibility of a relationship. I can't handle this emotional responsibility because it's too much for me because I've got so many other things going on my life. Just remember, you chose that guy, either accept him for who he is and accept the relationship for who he is or choose someone who's aligned. So maybe you find someone understanding it's a 500 piece puzzle and we're gonna figure out how to make it work together. Stop expecting men to lead the relationship process. Most of them are fucking clueless. I think my neighbors are probably freaking out. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Oh, Bonnie back. My question, nine year relationship was based on his energy and all of a sudden avoidance and lack of physical interest. We were separated due to him recovering at the VA but he had a lot of freedom. So Bonnie, this is a man who went through a health crisis. That might have weared on him emotionally significantly. So he may still be processing a lot of his emotions on what's going on and his behavior is a result of that adult trauma. Trauma causes many human beings to retreat inward. Many human beings don't have a capacity to take on other people's emotional responsibility when they can't even take care of their own emotional responsibility. So that's most likely what's happening in that dynamic. That's just my cliff note version based on what you shared but thank you for giving me that heads up, nine year relationship. I guess the question is what, it's a nine year relationship. How often do you physically see each other? How often do you guys have sex? Do you have a plan of how to take this relationship into a partnership? These are all the additional questions you may want to explore before you get too deep because I wouldn't spend nine years with someone unless I knew we were in a fully rooted, deeply rooted, committed relationship. That's at least my perception anyway. Thank you, Bonnie. I appreciate that. That says, yes, this resonates with me big time. Thank you. All right. M G Mooney, whatever, the puzzle analogy. Love it. Yes, I made that up just a few minutes ago. Melissa writes, Melissa, question. What's the difference between I care about you and I love you? Oh, I love, love, love this question. So actually to me, I wanna differentiate. I care about you, I love you, I'm in love with you. Okay, I care about you, I love you, I'm in love with you. So I care about my deepest, I care about my friends, for example. I care about them, I love them. I care about my friends, I love them. I want the best for them in my life, okay? Now, and usually it's a relationship that's close to being in a two lane street with my friends, okay? I care about my clients, but that's kind of a one-sided relationship because I care about my clients. I mean, I love them, but I care about them because it's a one-sided relationship, okay? When it's a two-sided relationship and there's deep care, I think there's love goes synonymous with it. When it's a one-sided relationship, they might be care, but there may not be the corresponding love. But let's talk about I'm in love with you. So I'm gonna read to you what I'm in love with you means to me, okay? What it means to me is the following. I'm here, you matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Let me repeat that. I'm here. What that means is I'm present. I'm present. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm not thinking of the past. I'm not thinking of the past relationship. I'm not thinking about a future relationship. I'm present to this relationship right here. I'm here. You matter. That's saying you matter to me, okay? I'm not, in other words, you matter to me. You're important to me. We are important. Number three, we are important. That's seeing the relationship as a separate entity. There's a you, there's a me, and then there's a collective we, okay? It's like this, okay? That space in between is the we. There's a sovereignty of me. There's a sovereignty of you. And then that space in between is the we. I'm here, you matter. We are important. I've got your back. That means I'm in partnership with you. If you need me, I'm gonna be there for you. If you've got your car broke down and you need my help, I'm gonna be there for you. I have your back. I only, I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. Wait a minute. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. I only want you. I only want, wait a minute, I missed one. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. We're a team. We're a team, right? Going back to that teamwork. And I only want you. I only want you. That means I'm gonna be exclusive, monogamous to you. That's what I love you means to me. I love you. I'm in love with you, excuse me, okay? I love you means I care about you and we're hopefully in the two lane street. But if you wanna go deeper, then I'm gonna say I'm in love with you. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going, oh, I'm not going anywhere. That was the one I missed. How the fuck did I screw this one? I'm not going anywhere. I'm fully committed to this relationship. I'm rooted in this relationship. That's what I'm in love with you means to me. So I hope that helps. I totally butchered my own content, but shit happens when you're tired and you've got gastrointestinal problems. So thank you so much. J.O. writes, great content. Thank you for your insight. Very much, I appreciate that. Thank you so much. J.O. gave me a super sticker. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. All right, let's see. Question, some bloke, some bloke. Why is the man I care about so much afraid of commitment? All right, okay. He was abandoned as a child. He had traumas as a child. His parents got divorced. He had a girlfriend that rebuffed him when he was a child or when he was younger. He had an adult trauma. He had a marriage that went failed. He had an ex-wife that was belligerent and accusatory of him and nasty to him. These are just some of the reasons why people, human beings, men and women alike are afraid of commitment. By the way, everyone, thanks for reminding me. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know how I blew that one. Thank you. Bonnie says, thank you so much. I've also grown a lot and realized I've allowed so much bad behavior. He lied, he cheated, he stole, damaged and physically abused me and I allowed it no more. Way to go. The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. Here's the thing. Don't point the finger at him because there's always three pointing back at you. Take ownership in your life. And by the way, I still feel victim consciousness in what I read, but you have taken ownership of it. So that negates it. But I do feel a sense. You still feel like, I mean, just my suspicion is and I want you to fully own it because when you fully own it, you would never bring it up. That's just my opinion, my perception, but thank you. I appreciate that. Oops. Much Dutch, thank you so much. You're very wise person. Oh, thank you, Donna, for sharing that about that. All right, let's see what else we've got. All right, let's see if we've got any more questions. Okay, here we go. Natalie writes, question. If a man is emotionally unavailable due to childhood trauma and doesn't realize it and doesn't want to do nothing to change it, is there any hope? Everybody, what is the answer to Natalie's question? Do me a favor, respond to Natalie's question because everybody else knows the answer. By the way, hope is something you do. What's the likelihood of him being emotionally mature enough to be in a healthy, happy relationship? Pretty much slim to none. But hope focuses on the slim part. That's what hope does. A realist go, the chant ain't gonna happen. That's what a realist does. A hope person says, I'm gonna hold hope for that one slim chance that he's the exception and not the rule. Anyway, big hugs to you, Natalie. I hope you find answers on that one for yourself. But by the way, Lisa says no. See if anyone else says no hope. Laurie says no hope. Joe says nope, Natalie. Move on, Natalie. See, everybody knows the answer to that question. Okay, Lisa writes, is there anything as a woman we can do to help men feel emotionally secure in the early stage of dating? Yes, yes, yes, you can. Question, is there anything we women can do to help men feel emotionally secure in the early stage of dating? I'm reading it twice because there is something you can do. And it's called lead by example. That's right, when you lead through healthy communication. By the way, I've got a new book I wanna share with everyone. I got this from a client. I haven't started reading it yet. The title is, unfuck yourself. Get out of your head and into your life. Because here's the bottom, we're going back to what was that question again. If it's really, it's an, you know how you lead by example, read all of these books to prepare you to be in a healthy, happy relationship. And I will tell you the best book to read, Lisa, to prepare you is if the Buddha dated. I love this book because it takes out all of the gender expectation in relationships and focuses on the core values, the core values, the core values, the core values, the core values, the core values. I did that just for fun, but folks, if you're not getting to the core values of the relationship because all of you are so, most of you are stuck based on this stupid book, The Rules, this stupid book of The Rules, fucked it up for many of you. Not that you read it, but you've been following it. It's this whole feminine energy, masculine energy. Men are supposed to do this and men are supposed to do that. And men are from Mars and act like a lady and think like a man, throw this shit out the window. Read this, read spiritual partnership, read these books that I recommend. That's what you can do to prepare to be in a healthy, happy relationship. Let me repeat that. That's what you can do to prepare to be in a healthy, happy relationship. Can I please get an amen? Can I get a thumbs up? Can I get likes? Please. Thank you. I think I'm gonna take one more question because I am running on empty here. Lisa says, you're funny. Thank you. I'll look into that book. You're very welcome. Lisa says amen, oops. Well, Lisa says amen. Natalie says, I almost wanna buy this book, The Rules, to see who you are, Jonathan, arguing with. Okay, got it. I appreciate that. All right. Oh wait, question. Can you repeat that please? Joy, of course I can. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My ears are bleeding. I'm sorry. Core values exactly. Joy said, what did you say again? Okay, here's the last question of the day. How often would you recommend meeting in the early stage of dating? I'm dating a 31-year-old teacher who is a relationship material but doesn't seem to wanna meet as often as we can. So my belief is it takes roughly two times a week for the first six weeks to get to stage one, okay? And then maybe two to three times a week including an outing, a vacation, having sex in the first 90 days of relationship but ultimately a healthy happy relationship when two people live relatively close to one another because proximity creates continuity. Let me repeat that. The closer two people are, the deeper roots that they can build in relationship. So I'm like for me, I'm looking at a relationship where I'd like to spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, teamwork building skills, partnership skills both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that eventually leads to us moving in together or getting married. That's my standard, okay? That's the standard I'm looking for. So I highly, by the way, if you look at most people who are in healthy happy relationships today, most people, the people you know, they probably spent on average two to four days a week together once they got past the six to 12 week mark and they built their relationship by spending time together. And by the way, I know a couple that live 30 miles apart and they've been together three years and they still make time to see each other three to four times a week, including once a month, they take a vacation together, they travel together, they go many vacations and then they take big vacations about four times a year together. And when I say big vacations, in fact, they're in Hawaii right now, okay? Maybe it's two to three times a year. That's my recommendation, but I know many of you can't do that because of distance and other reasons, but ultimately, if you wanna live together and get married, you better be spending a lot of time together because men don't bond through the telephone. This is one truth about men. We don't bond through the telephone, you guys do, we don't. We bond through physical activities together. So maybe there is some differences between men and women, but I'm just gonna tell you at the core, going back to this topic together, at the core, this whole thing, men are logical and women are emotional is all a bunch of crap because at the end of the day, emotional maturity is lacking in both genders and understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship is lacking in both genders. And until you answer that, all the gender conversation don't mean shit. At least it's crap in my opinion. All right, I think that's gonna do it. I'm running on empty, everyone. Listen, I wanna thank you all for being part of this live stream. I hope you got value from this. If you did, please share this with friends. Please like this. Please tell others about my work. And if you'd like a little bit more of a personal touch, check out the link to a free discovery call. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my book, What the Heck is Self Love Anyway. And under Jonathan recommend books, check out all the other books I recommend. All right, this is a great place to wrap up. I'm gonna first, I'm gonna wrap up as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.