 Donald Trump said yesterday that the only way to stop corporations from hiding money overseas is by lowering taxes. Right. And the way to end murder is by legalizing it. It's 3 a.m. Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show, so let's get right to it. This is the David Feldman Radio Network. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman. DavidFeldmanshow.com. On today's program, Eddie Pepitone, the bitter Buddha, joins us. Colleen Worthman from The Nightly Show and Throwing Shade. She's back in the building. Colleen Worthman is home from Los Angeles. You know who else is home from Los Angeles? Liam McInnany. He's back. He's in the building. Liam and Colleen hijacked the show for me. Also, Professor Corey Brettschneider is back for our free course in Constitutional Law. Stay with me. Eddie, partner. What's up, Basement Master Raiders? I'm Colleen Worthman. You're listening to the David Feldman Show. Yo, yo, yo. You're listening to the hottest show on podcast. I'm Liam McInnany. This is David Feldman's show right now. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Listeners to this show will be sad for me to tell you that we lost a friend. Gary Shapiro was buried yesterday. Gary was no stranger to this program. He hosted it. He would do song parodies. He was a constant companion to me and people like Paul Provenza. You might have remembered him from the green room. Gary was a comedian, a comedy writer, a musician, a canter and a rabbi who never had a bad word to say about anybody. He probably was the most loved person in our community on this show and in Los Angeles. We lost him last week. I don't know what happened. He was about my age and if you want to familiarize yourself with Gary Shapiro, Google him or look for his song parodies on YouTube or go to my website and type in Gary Shapiro and you can hear some of the episodes with Gary Shapiro. The story I always tell about Gary Shapiro. We were doing green room for showtime. Gary was working on it and he attended the after party. One of my sons was being bar mitzvah at the time. He was studying the Torah and we looked over at the party and Gary Shapiro in his left hand had a corned beef sandwich and his right hand he had a glass of Scotch and somebody was putting a hash pipe into his mouth and I pointed to Gary and said to my son, now that's a rabbi. Gary was a canter, a rabbi and just we all loved him. It was the easiest thing to do in the world was to love Gary Shapiro and I'll play some of his song parodies next week but yeah, Gary Shapiro was and is a miracle, a miracle. Welcome back. We did a live show at QED last Saturday night. You're going to hear it Friday morning at 3am and I want to thank everybody for showing up. It was great. It's great to meet the listeners. A lot of you drove in as far away as from Long Island and we're going to be doing a lot more of these live shows. Again, this Friday at 3am you'll hear the live show that we take at QED in Astoria. It features Sean Donnelly from Conan Letterman, Angela Cobb. She's an hysterical young comic and you know him. You hate him. The undefeated roast battle champion of New York City, Pat Dixon from the New York City Crime Report joined us live on stage. Many of my listeners complain about Pat's politics. I agree. He's detestable. He's reprehensible politically but I like the guy and as long as we don't discuss politics he's funny and interesting. Which begs the question can you like somebody if they like Trump and the answer is no. You cannot. One of my sons has a godfather who voted for George W. Bush in 2004 and I stopped speaking to this guy because it's unforgivable. People say to me you know politics isn't that important. You shouldn't let politics get in the way of friendships and I say politics is everything. It's everything now. Right now it is. In 2004 it was when we were fighting in the legal war in Iraq and politics is everything right now because it reveals so much of who you are. Normally it doesn't but there are times in history when your politics determine whether or not you're going to be my friend. It's crunch time right now. It's cards on the table. If you're behind this administration if you defend the terror of undocumented Americans I was on the subway in New York today and the state of New York is running an advertisement for undocumented immigrants and it says if any of your loved ones are missing call this number. Do you know what that means? That means that undocumented workers are being rounded up by ICE being separated from their children, their wives and their husbands, their grandchildren and their grandparents and they've gone missing because Donald Trump has this deportation force called ICE that is rounding up innocent people and removing them from our country and there are now signs of the New York subway with pictures of frightened children saying if one of your loved ones is missing contact this number. The state of New York is helping undocumented immigrants find their loved ones because they've been rounded up by ICE. This is what the country has become. This is where we're at. If you're miserable that means you've got your finger on the pulse. If you're miserable right now and unhappy you should be. This is absolutely horrible. I cannot be friends with anybody who condones Trump. Sure when things are going well it doesn't matter what your politics are. This is getting worse and worse. Trump fatigue for me is gone. My juices are flowing again. My blood is boiling and I am utterly convinced that if you're a Trump supporter you're just like a child molester because just like a child molester you cannot be cured. Nothing you can tell a Trump supporter will change them just like a child molester. You need to identify the Trump supporters. They need to wear ankle bracelets at all times because there is no treatment for a Trump supporter. Just like a child molester you cannot tell them anything. You cannot cure a Trump supporter. All that being said I like Pat Dixon. I don't think I could be friends friends with him. I don't think he'd ever be the godfather to my children but you know I like Pat Dixon. He's a funny guy. Yes he's ignorant absolutely but that's what makes him funny and as long as you don't take him seriously or elect him president and on election day keep him tied up in your basement so he can't cast a ballot he's perfectly harmless. I don't know I like Pat Dixon. The same way I liked Rickles even though I didn't approve of what Rickles said about women, gays, blacks, Jews and Mexicans I liked on Rickles. You know Rickles played for Reagan's second inaugural. Reagan ruined this country but we still like Rickles. It's tough. It's unforgivable Pat Dixon that you're voting and supporting Trump. There's something seriously wrong with you but because you're funny you're welcome on this show. Anyway it's a great live show. It drops this Friday at 3 a.m. Yes I'm back. I've been away. I just haven't been paying attention to the news. I have been paying attention to the news. I just don't want to talk about it because it kind of felt like a bad relationship. Trump and the Republicans a guy who just keeps punching you and you keep asking why he's punching you or talking about each punch as though they're different. These are just murderous violent people but now I want to punch back. Trump's chief of staff, Rince Priebus who as we all know killed 14 male prostitutes in April said yesterday that he's looking into changing libel laws for press outlets. Chief of staff, Rince Priebus, the murderer of 14 male prostitutes in April is looking into ways the Trump administration can change libel laws and prosecute members of the media. Meanwhile Donald Trump gave an interview where he said, hey what's the deal with the Civil War and why did we have to fight it? Why couldn't we have worked it out? You know a deal. Why couldn't somebody like Andrew Jackson have made a deal? You know it's too bad Trump wasn't around to work out a deal back during the Civil War like letting the South secede. On one hand there'd be no South but on the other hand Hillary would be President. Trump actually asked yesterday why America had a Civil War and you know all he has to do is stay in office for a few more months and he'll find out why America had a Civil War. Trust me. People are pissed off. Yesterday was May Day. Look at the streets. People were pissed off and they still are. More bad news for Fox News. Bill Shine was fired. Shine was right underneath Roger Ailes because he was the only one over at Fox News willing to filate Roger Ailes. Shine is gone. Sean Hannity has been tweeting in the lead up to Shine's firing that if Shine is fired Hannity will leave Fox News thereby marking the first time in history Hannity has ever said anything that I actually hoped was true. Meanwhile Trump and the Republicans averted a government shutdown by shutting down everything Donald Trump stands for. There's no funding for Trump's border wall. No provision to defund Planned Parenthood. 99% of the funding for the EPA will stay intact. There is no deportation force. We still have ICE but Trump had promised to create a deportation force to assist ICE in separating undocumented workers from their children. Medicaid subsidies for Obamacare are staying put. Trump had threatened to cut funding for the National Institutes of Health because why do we need the National Institutes of Health? Well, to keep the government open they agreed to a $2 billion increase for the National Institutes of Health. The new continuing resolution to keep the government open has no provision in its defund sanctuary cities or sanctuary states like New York which now has signs on the subway telling undocumented workers call this number if one of your loved ones has been snatched by Donald Trump. Think Progress has done a study. It's out this week. There are 180 members of Congress who are climate change deniers. All of them are Republican. 180 members of Congress are climate change deniers. They are all Republican. And guess what? They've all received a total of $82 million from the fossil fuel industries. Isn't that interesting? We talked about this last week about how people are just paid to lie. And though we know it's not true, they will lie for a price. And Think Progress has a study out that shows that the 180 members of Congress, all Republican who deny the science behind climate change, they are on the take. They are receiving $82 million from fossil fuel industries. Meanwhile, 2017 is turning out to be the second warmest year on record. Last year, the earth reached record levels of carbon dioxide, but we still have Republicans willing to take money from the people who are heating up the planet. So nothing is being done. And so the flooding begins. 15-year-old Jordan Edwards, a young African American, was killed by police Saturday night in Balch Springs. That's a suburb of Dallas, Texas. According to the Washington Post, 15-year-old Jordan Edwards is now the 105th black person to be killed by police in the United States this year. 15-year-old Jordan Edwards was at a party. He was sitting in a car unarmed with his brother and friends. According to reports, there was no fighting, no drinking. None of the car's other occupants were arrested. The identity of the officer who killed him is unknown. Donald Trump was interviewed by CBS's John Dickerson in the Oval Office on Monday. Dickerson asked Trump about whether or not he believed Obama tapped his phones and whether or not Trump still believed that Obama was mentally unbalanced. Dickerson asked, do you stand by that claim? And Trump said, I don't stand by anything. I just, you can take it the way you want. I think our side's been proven very strongly and everybody's talking about it. Dickerson pressed. He said, do you stand by your claims that Obama tapped your phone and that he's insane? And Trump replied, I don't stand by anything and this interview is over. Big tough guy in the Oval Office literally then went back to his desk and wouldn't talk to anybody because, you know, he's a spoiled baby. So later on in the day, there was a press conference. Sean Spicer was then asked by a reporter, quote, the president said, I don't stand by anything. How is the American public supposed to digest that? You know, how are we supposed to trust what the president says when he himself says of his own comments, I don't stand by anything? Sean Spicer replied, I think the point is he clearly stands by that. That's something that's been made very clear. If you look at the entire back and forth exchange between John Dickerson, Spicer is saying, when Donald Trump says, I don't stand by anything, we stand by that. Coming up, Colleen Worthman, Liam McEnany, my lunch, Eddie Pepitone and Professor Corey Brechneider. Well, here, I want to put on my headphones here. I have a joke about that, but you'll get mad. I'm sure it's hacky as hell. Let me guess, it's like, what do we want? A cure for Tourette's? When do we want it? Cunt. That's like a classic. No, are we rolling? I was going to say, can we talk about this? Sure. Well, you know somebody who's going to Spain? Yes. My husband, Gardner Comfort. He's going over Memorial Day weekend. To talk about? He's doing a TEDx talk in Madrid. That's Madrid to all of you ignoramuses about having Tourette's, about being part of a community that has its own understandings. Right. And I was just thinking, as you said that to me, it must be difficult to have Tourette's in Spain if you don't speak Spanish, because how can you blurt out? Obcenities. Oh, boy. Puta, but that helped him. But that isn't a real thing, right? Well, it is. It's called coprolalia. Coprolalia? Coprolalia, C-O-P-R-O-L-A-L-L-I-A. But only like 10% of people with Tourette's actually have that manifestation. And the other 90% fake it. No. It's, well, the one that is more mysterious is the one that involves like social taboo words, like some people with Tourette's will say the N-word or say like fat bitch or stuff like that, because there's like some sort of neurological Venn diagram between like socially inappropriateness and anxiety and language. And so they'll blurt out the thing that they don't want to say. It's like Tourette's is just really trippy. It's like a cosmic joke that is being played on your body by your own self all the time. Robin Williams told me that when he was making awakenings with Oliver Sacks, who wrote the man. Right, the man who mistook his wife for a hat. That he got in an elevator because they were shooting at a hospital and there was a woman who had Tourette's. And he gets into the elevator and it stops on one floor and a big fat black man walks in and he starts staring at her like no, no, don't, don't. Right. And she did. Yeah, I mean, those are like the fun theatrical kinds of texts that like people love to make jokes about. And like, I get it. I personally don't find it hilarious because I just live with most of the time just like the actually hard stuff about Tourette's which is that people treat my husband like he's mentally ill or turn around with like super intense anger anytime we go to see a movie or see a play or like we're lying in bed trying to go to sleep at night and his body is thrashing and it's like really exhausting and hard. So I have a much more. I had to say I have a friend who has Tourette's and I didn't know it at first. So there was like and she's heard the way hers manifests is like she sniffs a lot like very deeply and continually. So the first time I was hanging out with a bunch of people and I just left. I just walked out because I was just like, God, this woman won't, I think God I didn't handle her tissue or tell her to blow her nose. But I just walked out and then a friend was talking to a friend like, God, can you believe this? And then he was like, no, no, actually, no, she's got Tourette's. Because a lot of times tics are like normal things. Like my husband has one where he goes, and it sounds like he's clearing his throat or coughing. And so like almost every day, if he has to take the subway that day, which he totally hates, cause like people give him dirty looks and whatever, he'll come home and he'll have this little handful of lozenges in his jeans pie and they'll put them on the nightstand or on our dresser. And it's, yeah. You know, I'm sorry, I'm laughing. That is a little bit funny. Well, no, hang on for a second. I mean, it is funny. It's a human impulse to, you know, try to correct the thing that's annoying you and also to help people, sometimes at the same time, which often that gesture is. Plus give a little bit of a passive-aggressive, like I'd like you to stop that now. Right, exactly. Cause I, like just my, I have an itchy throat last year. I just, my allergies have made that. And I always find that I have to clear my throat when I'm walking behind someone on the sidewalk. Like it never fails. The only time I have to really clear my throat is when someone's walking in front of me and I've learned to disguise it as a sneeze or a cough. Because if you, if you go, then they will turn around and assume that you're being like a shitty passive-aggressive person. Right. So I can't imagine that's your life. Like all day long, you're on the subway. Yeah. There's some dude, you clear your throat, you know, and they turn and they're like, well, what the fuck is this guy? Would you fucking clean your throat of me, buddy? Yeah. Yeah, or are you, are you coughing? Are you like sneezing on me? Or sometimes I'll go, like, like he makes this explosive noise slash movement through his nose like a breath movement. It's not even a breath. It's just like a kind of short, sharp expression. I don't know how else this gets like that. That's specific and that difficult to describe. But people think he's like snotting on them, you know? It's weird. It's trippy. Well, it's great to see you guys. It's great to see you too. Oh, hi. Talk about my husband's neurological disorder. How are you? Welcome to the show. David, I haven't seen you since we made America great again. Yes, we did. Can you get, let me introduce, don't touch the microphone. You know what, I'm gonna adjust the microphone during the show. Well, we got Gigi Allen over here. I am gonna throw shit at you guys over the course of the show. Who's Gigi Allen? Oh, he was this really insane, I can't believe you don't know who Gigi Allen is. I feel like he would be right up your alley to think people to know about. And it's the world's greatest music reference if you have to make a joke about punk rock especially. Okay. So he was this really self-destructive and outwardly destructive punk alleged musician who would like cut himself with broken bottles and like shit in his own hands and like fling it at the audience. You mean I'm a musician? Well, I apparently so. He also. You should have not had a little duo together. He had a band called the Murder Junkies. Yes. And they recall that because they were junkies and they shot up together. And so there's a very, it was like everything that you think about, a hard partying, early death, rock and roll lifestyle, Gigi Allen lived it. He was covered in tattoos, he was a maniac. Did he live? No, he's dead. He's dead. He died young-ish. He played Brighton this neighborhood. Yeah. This was the stomping grounds. Like, you know, there was a big shooting gallery a few blocks down from here and he would hang out there. And then there were a bunch of just tiny little DIY venues all over this neighborhood where he would just go up and set fire to things. Yup. You know, it was- People. People, no, he would throw chairs at the audience. It was, you only went if you were really angry and you really just wanted to be part of something that manifested your anger to society. And the music, are there albums that you can listen to and it's all over Spotify? Yup. I'll tell you, I'll give you 10 bucks if you make it all the way through one. There's a documentary about him, what is it called? Like, it's called like Twisted or something like that, but that's not the word. Gigi Allen? Yeah, but it's A-L-L-I-N. Ah. G-Period, G-Period, A-L-L-I-N. I like spelling things. So, let me introduce everybody. Fair enough. Fair enough, that was the voice of Colleen Worthman. Hi. Who is back in New York, thank God. Yay. She was living in LA for a while. Yup. We hung out in LA one night. We did. And that is Liam McInerney. McInerney. Liam McInerney, author of Bright Cities, Bright Lights. Big Lights, Bright Cities. Bright City, Big Lights. You say it's McInerney. McInerney. McInerney. You keep changing it on me. No, you just apparently don't care to remember how to pronounce my name correctly. Well, I haven't seen you in a while. You kind of left me. I left, I left for Los Angeles. You left me. I left you. Oh, boy. Dude, you were one of the last few things keeping me in New York City. Like, there was just a point where I lied. I wasn't pregnant. Then why did I pay $600 for that abortion, David? God damn it. I'm fleeced again. The second time, shame on me. See, that's why she's a head writer of a show. Like, when she takes it there. I got hot board jokes. What is a hot board joke? Hot board, like a board. Oh, I thought, so that's what a head writer says. A hot board, like it goes up on the board. Oh, no, no. We have to get it on the show. I got a hot board joke. I like it. Wow, David, you haven't worked in a while, huh? Let's create a new term for writing. That's a hot board joke. No, no, no, no, no, no. A hot board joke. No, I like hot board joke, because then you're like, well, we can't do that, but it's a hot board joke. Yeah, we could have both. Why not both? Okay, because I feel like this is, you know how like, at some point, a son's just got to battle his father for supremacy? Indeed. That's what's going on today. Oh, okay. Wait, are we both the son? No, no, I'm fighting David to take over. Oh. Do you see me as a father figure? I know. You know what? I see you as more. Nor do I see you as anything else from that matter. No, I definitely don't see you as an authority in any way whatsoever. Oh. But I see you as like a comedy uncle. Like, I would say that. Like, you're an older person who has a career that I aspire to be somewhat like. So you respect me? No, but I just feel like you somehow. Do you look up to me when you're blowing me? You somehow like, despite your. Why are you apologizing to me? Because it was a bad joke. It was a board joke. I don't want to get into that. I don't want to be like the judge Judy of this podcast. No, no, put that into the board joke file. It was a hot board joke. Yep. Not a hot. But it's not even a board level. That's just a BJ joke. That's like. That's a BJ joke. Do you look up to me? Do you make eye contact when you're blowing me? Well, you would know that, wouldn't you? If you should know that. That would get you a one. As the blowy. That's the least you could do. No, no, I definitely, I definitely see David as the guy who like puts his hands behind his back. And like closes his eyes like he's like the fucking Shah. Like in his tent in the desert, like. On my peacock throne. So David, that's, I haven't seen you in seven months. Are you getting laid? Are you getting your dick wet? Are you catching any strange? Are you hitting that Nani? Are you getting any ass? Are you tapping any tail? I don't understand the question. Basically, are you having sex with women? Are you inserting your penis into any women's vaginas? Consensually. Consensually. We're not consensually. See, that's a hot board joke right there. Defined female. Human? Human? You know what, as long as she. Does a trash can catch a female? Technically, a female cat has a vagina, so yes. No, but seriously, are you dating David? Like are you seeing anybody? I am not gonna discuss my. Why not? That's what we wanna know. I came here all the way from Harlem. I took the four train and it went local, sir. And I, you know what? I came here from Los Angeles to ask you about your dating life. I feel like that's the least you could do. So that's the bare minimum. I wanna spare you. Have you noticed that all the big podcasts are the ones where the hosts kind of open up about their lives and let the listener in a little bit? Take a page from that concept. Yeah, like WTF with Mark Maron. So let's, would it help the podcast if I was getting a life? And this would be an actually interesting thing to know from a host. Okay. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. We will talk about your cats a little bit later in the podcast, David, but are you least, least going on first dates? Are you courting any ladies? Yes. Okay. How many? Do they know about each other? Courting, going to divorce is in a court. Don't give me your pun bullshit. What is this, wait, wait, don't tell me? Fuck you. I just listened to wait, wait, tell me today. It was excellent. It was excellent. Oh, was it? Yeah. Speaking of which, so how many ladies are you dating right now? Yeah. I, I'm gonna say two and you're playing them off each other. No, I would say two and they don't know about each other. That's, that's my guess. I would say David's probably one of those guys that like sees a woman for a few months, but he's still on Tinder looking for other women like that kind of guy. Wait, but that's, that's technically only dating one person and then just tindering. No, because the first few months in my opinion are not a relationship. That's like anything goes, you can see other people. It's when you kind of agree within that three to six month period when you're like, you kind of like, oh, well, we have feelings about each other. Let's make this exclusive. That's when it's a relationship. But I feel like David is probably in his mind at least in the zone where he can see more than one person and it's okay. Right, but, but again, on the technical tip, dating one person while just swiping through Tinder, that's just dating one person. Well, first of all, I don't. If we're talking about results, that's one person. I don't think David really knows how to use Tinder. So I was just using that as an example. Obviously he's not using Tinder. Right, he's obviously going like, you know, he's hanging out after a show and talking to young women who thought the show was funny and just like, hey, if you wanna get together and write some jokes, that would definitely help you out. I don't see David as like a young gal cruiser. I feel like he's gonna date people like his own age-ish or maybe slightly younger, but like, he's not gonna go like after 25 year olds. His daughter is 25 and that would just keep him out too much, am I right, David? But the thing is, there are a lot of women in their late 30s who think they're gonna make it in comedy if they start now. They have no idea. God bless, God bless. God bless them. And do they think- God bless. So David probably talks to them as like, hey man, if you want to get together and write some jokes, I'd love to help you out. Yeah, but 37 is still too young for him. Really, David? 37's too young? What's your age range? I'm listening, this is interesting. So I mean- No, no, no, no, you gotta get in it. You have to answer before we keep going. Okay, I'll answer your questions if I want to. Go ahead. What is your age range? I enjoy being around women who are my age. Okay, so what is that age range? I would say early to mid 50s, early to mid 50s. Okay. Because as Bob Saget said, I can take you to the morgue and we can open up some drawers and we can put some on the marble slab fee to take a look at. That's what Saget said to me when I told him I'm attracted to women my own age. He said, are they still alive? Because he can't imagine- You know what the thing is? Is that guy really as gross as he wants everyone to think he is? He's not gross, he's a wonderful man. Yeah, I mean, I feel like everyone's always like, ooh, his comedy's so outrageous. I'm like, is this? Make a note, I want to ask David about that off air and see what he says. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. I feel like there's a little bit of an instance here. About what? Oh, no, I love Bob. Okay. But is his lifestyle as grody as he wants everyone? Not at all, not at all. He's a hopeless romantic. Interesting. Yeah, and he treats women with respect. The only way you can make those kind of jokes is if nobody has anything on you. Interesting. That is true. Interesting. That is true, like once you become that guy, people don't want it, it's not funny anymore. It's gotta, you have to, like once Dice Clay became that guy, it just didn't become funny anymore. So people were like, oh, well, he actually hates women. Right. But then what about like, say, like a Jim Norton who makes a lot of hay out of like, oh, I have sex with trans women. I am such a gross, weird pervert, but he seems like he actually is. Well, he is, but you can't have anything on a guy like that because he'll be honest about it and he'll be the first one to cop to it. Does that make it less funny? Is there, there's probably something he won't tell us, right? When people say they're an open book, they're really, but let's go back to my dating life. Okay. Yeah, I just want to finish this thought. I think you're right, that David likes to age appropriate women, I believe you, but I think he likes the ones that do yoga and keep in really good shape. Like I don't think you like like a mess. A mess. A mess. To describe a human being as a mess. I mean, David is a fairly, you know, conscientious person who, you know, you always have a nice shirt on. But you notice all those guys in LA date yoga women who keep themselves in really good shape. Well, are there any non-yoga women? I didn't see any. Yeah, there are a ton of them. I wasn't, I mean, admittedly I was living in an Airbnb in West Hollywood, so it was sort of a self-selecting community of sort of. It was gay men and women in really good shape who want to be around gay men. Right. And you know, I think that's David's type, is like a, you know, Women who are very comfortable around gay men. Yes, that seems to be my type of woman. That actually is a good sign sometimes. Right. Because there's a certain kind of woman who only hangs around with gay men because she's afraid of actually experiencing intimacy with heterosexual men and also feels like no one will ever understand, like no heteroman will ever understand me or I can have, you know, it's a safety mechanism. And then there's heterosexual women who hang around gay men because they're like, can be raunchy and have fun. Right. Those are two different things. They're not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are two qualitative distinctions worth acknowledging. You know what made me uncomfortable was like, heterosexual women who call men my gay. Oh, it's, yeah. It's just like really weird and possessive and I don't even, I don't know why it offends me, but it offends me. You're identifying somebody by their sexuality. You wouldn't say my black. Well, not in front of them. Well, but then what? His father owned a plantation. Oh. That's not funny, David. We lost a lot of money. Is that why your middle name is Beauregard? Well, I do declare. That's why you're always wearing, they're like putting your thumbs in your suspenders. I wish I was in the land of cotton. Old times they are not forgotten. Yuck. If you were born. Gross. Colleen. If I were born. If you were born. Big if. If you weren't a hot pork joke. 1848, you're born in Georgia. You're, now it's 1860. I'm sneering as I'm hearing this. And your father owns a plantation. And you're stuck. My now dad is there with me. Yeah. This is getting too complicated. Well, she'd be 34 at that point. I can't do the math. Let's just say you were born into a plantation later black. She's white. Okay, she's white. How was I to assume that? Yeah, don't assume her color. And so now you've got the hoop skirt or with a hoop dress or whatever they wore back then. Mami. Okay, let's get to the end. Would you rebel against that and say this is wrong or would you go along with it? Look, in real life, in the 20th century, my own grandfather was drafted into the Nazi army. So I don't have a lot of historical, maybe, scruples on which to stand here, okay? Who can say maybe, maybe not? I don't know. The person I am now is certainly not the person I would have turned out to be if I were just like born into the world then. Like everyone's like, oh, never again. That could never happen again. Of course, anything could happen always again. You know what's interesting? And will. I was really curious about how ordinary Germans got into the whole Nazi thing. You understand. Super incrementally, like over many years. I read a great book about it. I wish I could remember the name of it. Explaining Hitler by Ron Rosenbaum. No, it's something else, well maybe. But it was just about life in Germany before and during Nazi Germany. And basically it was just like nobody wanted their kids to be part of the Hitler youth. It's just a summer camp was such a big part of the German lifestyle at that time. And eventually the Nazis just took over those youth camps and made it the Hitler youth camps. Yeah, my dad did Hitler youth. So you had your dad? Yeah. I mean like everyone was in it who. Well that said it's like, so basically your choice was. He said it was the funnest camp. You would like milk campfires and like. Well there were camps in Germany that were a lot more fun. Oh, I know, I mean I could go on and on David. I could go on and on. But the thing was you had a choice. No one was forced to join Hitler youth. It was just like it's either that or have no friends. You know, like all your friends were going to camp because as they always did, as their fathers did and so on and so forth. Yeah, he was like, if you wanted to have like eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and campfire because everyone, you know, because whatever it was war time, you would go and like be in Hitler youth. And if like you get to sing all the campfire songs and then at the end you have to say how Hitler. He was like, so we said how Hitler. I was in Berlin, I heard an amazing story. This woman had an elderly neighbor who lived through the war. And she said, you know, all the soldiers kind of came home one night and then the Russians invaded the next day. And so all the commanding officers were told to get their guys out of their homes and leave them against the Russians. And he said, instead, he just told everybody take off your uniforms, you know, hide them and just take every family till this is over. She said like a bomb fell into their apartment like through the roof of their apartment building and two guys had to come with blankets and take it to the river and, you know, like detonate it there. Really? I wonder if we should get our money back for a bomb that didn't go off. But maybe it was a Russian bomb. Oh, okay. So your father was in Hitler youth? Yeah. And so when the war was over, how old was he? 13. He was 13. Wait, really? How old is he now? Is he still with us? He's 81. Wow. Does anything, are there any fond memories of the Hitler youth camps? Does he have any fond memories of Hitler or anything that was joyous? No, he's very, he jokingly bitterly refers to his childhood as a good old days. My son is in Berlin now. Is he? Yep, learning fluent, he's already fluent in German. Wow, what neighborhood is he living in? I don't know, he showed me a FaceTime video, it was beautiful. Oh, Berlin is incredibly beautiful. You know what, I almost moved there, I still kind of regret not moving there about 10 years ago because it was just such an easy place to live and it's not expensive. If you're an artist, you are fucking psyched to live in Berlin. And then I could just go and do gigs from Berlin and use that as my home base. He says there's a comedy scene there. There's now a big comedy scene there. Huge comedy scene, they speak English. He said that there's a deal that they're offering young people because they have a demographic problem. Everybody is too. 29, so I'm listening. Everybody's too old in Germany, they need young people. That's why they let the refugees in because somebody's gotta keep the engine going to pay for the safety net. And the deal is they will pretty much give them citizenship if he learns to speak German. So he's like. Yeah, you have to do that in order to actually qualify for German jobs. You have to take this exam. There's actually a big article about it in The Times yesterday. So it is the official language of Germany. I don't know if it's official, but the government definitely is like you have to be proficient in this language. Yes, I looked into emigrating there. And yet he says everybody there speaks English. Yeah, because you learn it starting in like first grade. I think English has become the lingua franca. No, German is definitely still the lingua franca. Well, you know, I found. But everyone, I mean people, it's polite. You know, like there's the stereotype like when you go to France that people are like, if they have to speak English to you, the exact opposite is true and it's considered polite if like one person English is their first language that you all speak English. When I was performing there, I performed in English. You know, like it was just, and I found it was the same thing as when I performed in the South, which is I slowed down a little bit. So everybody is following along at the same pace and told anti-Semitic jokes. Same thing as the South. I actually have a friend in Germany who's an older German comic. And whenever we hang out, it's all Holocaust jokes. And at first it was upsetting and disturbing. Does he make them? He makes nothing but Holocaust jokes. That's interesting, because I asked my son about that and he said he can make them, but they don't do it. Yeah, it's a little too. I think it's the brotherhood of comedians, David. It's also generational too. Like this generation is either super lefty and like trying really hard to be progressive and like accepting and whatever. And also there's like another stripe that's very resentful of having been born into all this baggage, you know. And the other thing is, so the older generation, like probably around your father's age, never talked about the war, never talked about the Holocaust. And then the generation after them were very much about being open about it because that was still when the wall was up. And so now you have the generation that's just like dealing with this fucking emotional baggage that's handed down for the last seven years. My son said they love the Jews here and I said, give it time. Well, it's because they don't know any. There actually has been sort of a Jewish re-population of at least East Berlin, which was a hugely Jewish city at the time. I mean like a quarter of the residents at least, I think were Jewish during the Second World War, but like... They have rented you now in Germany. Sweet. For rent, rent for what? Like if you need a movie produced or... If you need some banking advice. There's a service. Boy, I bet they, sorry those camps are closed now because they knew where to find them then. There's actually rented you in Germany because a lot of the... Is this a Lenny-Bruce bit? No, it's real. In fact, I was telling my son to hire yourself out as a Jew because they bring Jews into somebody's home for a fee and they answer questions because a lot of Germans don't know what a Jew is. I consider them lucky, but they wanna learn. And for a small fee, a Jew will come in, show off their horns, talk very loud, lend money at exorbitant interest rates. And complain about bagels. Complain about how you can't get a good bagel. There's something about the Rhine water that makes it... It's the spray in Berlin, actually. They invited Jew into their home and then the Jew evict them. Well, what is the river in... It's called the Spray, SPRE. So there's no Rhine? Where's the Rhine? The Rhine is in West Germany. And where's Elba? No, not the Elba. Elba was the star of the water. That's where Napoleon was. There's the Elba river. I'm at Idris Elba, which is, Alex got that. Right, right, right. Alex Brazell, your producer, got that. Brian Collie of the comedy writer. Great comedy writer, great comedian. Head monologue writer for Conan. And has been with the show since the very beginning. Before Conan, he was writing on Conan. Yeah. He's BC. He's BC, when it was just late night with Conan O'Brien. No, no, before Conan O'Brien even. Wait, why are we talking about him all the time? Because his father was in D-Day. Okay. And fought, invaded Germany. I feel like everybody says their parents were in D-Day. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like, oh, my grandpa liberated Auschwitz, like really? Did 55,000 soldiers really liberate Auschwitz? Because there was like 20 soldiers there. A lot of these guys are getting older. None of my family went. A lot of these guys are getting older. And my father used to say, not only was he at D-Day, but he saw Joe Cocker sing. Dad, that's Woodstock. Everybody was at Woodstock. Everyone was at Woodstock and everybody, it was at D-Day. So my great-uncle was at Pearl Harbor when it was bombed. But his name's on the wall, like we can prove it. Very good. Yashimoto, here I suck at it. So Colleen didn't like that. Colleen did not like that joke. I was trying to see if I could make a tag and then I was just like, I got nothing. So Brian- It was perfectly fine. Brian Kiley's father, D-Day, and liberated part. I don't think it's funny the way you're making fun of stutterers right now. Just say day. Doris D-Day was one of my favorite singers. The movie she made with- You know, double D-Day when Playboy was founded. All right. So Brian Kiley's father. Well, does that mean that Jugs was founded on D-Day? So let me start again. Okay, Joe Cocker. Oh, we're still on this? Brian Kiley's father. I'm already exhausted. Brian Kiley's father liberated Germany. Right. During World War II. Or WWII for you stutterers. I have a feeling it's gonna be a long walk to the end of this career. Actually the sad part is he sexually liberated Germany. So he was willing to go to some extremes. It was 1967. The Germans were very kinky. Very kinky people. Oh yeah, he was, you know, he was a lot, he was very wet. Very hot. So Brian Kiley. So about your dating life, David, that's Brian Kiley. Yeah, speaking of which. Brian Kiley. Oh my God, Brian Kiley, Brian Kiley, Brian Kiley. Brian Kiley. The great Brian Kiley. Oh, a legendary writer. Brian Kiley's father. Do you have like a neurological disorder where you, like you can't sleep at night? Can't stop talking about Brian Kiley. Like you can't sleep at night, if you don't finish this story. Like in the middle of the night, you're gonna wake up, Brian Kiley's father. Fuck! Alex, get in the studio. So Brian Kiley writes for Conan and he's been on Letterman. I mean physical pain. One of the best comedy writers in television and just a great comic. And his father liberated the Germans from during World War II. Right, by killing them. Liberated the Germans from World War II? Yes, by killing them. But he liberated them from breathing and, you know, having families and seeing their children again, that kind of thing, a really great guy. He's part of the greatest generation. Right, of murderers. Go ahead. Battle of the Bulge. Oh, yeah, well tell me about it. Fuck. Dude, after that election I gained, I lost the Battle of the Bulge, we'll say that. Anyway, so after World War II, he got married. This is the father of Brian Kiley. Yeah, and then Brian was born. Wow, great story, man. Okay. Yeah, now I know how Brian was born. Can I call him and then tell him the news? Sounds like Brian Kiley's dad got his dick washed. Now David, David. Yeah, go ahead, what? So the harder he laughs at those jokes, the less he thinks he has to answer. I know, I know. Well, no, I don't think so. You and I, full court press. So Brian, I forgot. Anyway, I'm telling it. So does Brian know this story? Yes, it's a great story, Brian. Wow, that is a great story. His father got married and had a kid. Now what is the river called again so I can get the punch? The spray. No, but the other one, the Elba. The Elba? The Elba. And there's their line, but are you talking about? I'm trying to get to Brian Kiley's great story. Is Brian here to tell? I don't know what the story is, so I can't give you the accurate German river. Well, the punch. How about the Mosul? Is Brian coming in to tell the story? No, I'm just going to. Well, then why are you telling the story? I think this is a great story. There's a river called Mosul in Germany. There's a river called Mosul. MOSEL, it's where a lot of the, you know the Riesling wines? I know of them. A lot of them are made along the Mosul River. But there's a Mosul in Iraq. No, that's M-O-S-U-L. This is M-O-S-E-L. Oh. Did you know that Brian Kiley's father is a war hero? I know that I'm about to kill myself. Colleen's about to liberate this conversation. I'm about to liberate myself from breathing. All right, so he sprayed all over the German. All right, let me just get the story. So, okay. He busted a nut. He busted a nut. So Pearl Harbour happened December 7th. Pearl what? Harbour. Pearl Harbour. I went to facking Pearl Harbour. Facking Bam, those jabs. Well, Brian's father was from Boston, as a matter of fact. I know, I know. It's been a hilarious Boston accent. So December 7th, 1941, a day that will live. In and for me. So, I think this conversation will end for me. I'm telling Brian's story. How much longer is it? How much longer is it? How soon until it's over? It's an interesting story. Okay, how long is it, though? See, it's a very short. Remember when that man harassed you about how long and boring your podcast was? And you told him you could have the fast forward mechanism? I'm gonna fast forward to the end where you tell the joke. You know, Colleen, I don't know about you. This is why I can't have a kid. Because the minute that kid came home from school and started telling a fucking 20 minute story about some bug he saw in the schoolyard after school, I'd be like, no, I'm going to teach you a little something about getting to the punchline. Yep. Or when kids make up, just bullshit out of their imagination, they're like, and you know what? Because the tree wanted to stand by the fire hydrant and be an ant and was there, I'm like, no. Oh, it's a good thing I love my nephew. I was like, you're losing me. If I did not love my nephew, I would never see him because I would be like, come back when you're 18 and have a formed personality. You know what? Let's try to craft this narrative a little more sharply. So this is what Dave is doing with the story about Brian Kiley's father. He's got the ant, he's got the fire hydrant, got Superman. So Brian Kiley, right? He has a father, right? And his father got married and had kids and he went to Germany and he liberated it. I'm just, it's a brief story. So how necessary was the detail? How allegedly brief it? Wait, I have to know. How necessary was the detail that he then got married and had Brian? Okay, so. He's superfluous. Does that bring us to the point? Long. Is that part of the thing where Brian is like, just in case you didn't know, I was born. Liam, should you and I be teaching an essay writing to high schoolers? To Dave? All right. So long story short. Long story short. The Japanese. I give this essay an F. The Japanese. Minus. In fact, I'm gonna need to see your parents, David, because quite frankly. See, cause. After class. When is parent teacher day? Because quite frankly, this story is bullshit. So the Japanese. And it's not even your story. David is an exceedingly bright young man. No, he's not. He has a wonderful creativity and often seeks unusual solutions to fairly straightforward problems. However, he has a tendency to monopolize class conversation. You know what my teacher said? My report card plays well with others. If by others, you mean penis. We wish he could stop. Hey, oh, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, anyway. So the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. Those dirty yellow Jeffs. Wait, how are they related to Brian Kiley? Because what happened after Pearl Harbor was. My uncle died in Pearl Harbor. Really? Yeah, his plaque is on the wall. His play had Uncle Don there. Don, any HR. Oh, I was I got all excited because I thought he invented the Nair hair removal. No, but apparently my great grandfather had a neighbor named Mr. Gillette who offered to let him invest $500 in his new safety razor company. Oh, that story. I've heard that story a hundred times. Yeah, you know what? My family has a version of that too. Where my great aunt Marge Donahue was friends with the Crocs in Florida. And they were like, hey, we're gonna. We're building crock pots. We're gonna make we have croc. We have this new thing called a croc. David, I'm telling a story. Yeah, we would make a good mom. I'd be a mean mom. I would be the mean mom that like they didn't let love would love daddy better. I would be the fun dad because I would be gone most of the time. But the time I was there, I'd be like, hey, we're going to Disneyland. OK, now I'm gonna let your mom raise you. So they had an opportunity to invest in McDonald's. Yeah, he was like, I'm gonna make a hamburger restaurant that's like a drive-thru only you go inside or something like that. Oh, no, no. He was like, it's going to be a hamburger restaurant, but you can drive through in your car. And Marge Donahue was apparently like, Ray, that's a terrible idea. Who would want to eat a meal in their car? Allegedly. Allegedly. Well, my mother used to date a guy named Ken Lay. Of Lay's potato chips? No, from Enron. And Ken. Oh, Ken Lay. Yeah, and Ken gave her. She was my mom is great. Is this for real? This is true. My mom is great in bed and Ken Lay. Ken was getting his dick wet. Ken Lay said that. I wish, David, so are you so. Hang on, Ken Lay, are you dating anybody? You said that Lay was so good. I'm going to give you stock in Enron. And my mother sold it. And I'd hate to think if she had held on to that Enron stock, would it be worth today? Wait, why the Lay Lay pun inside that Enron story? You're chilling, though it was. Because the guy who ran Enron was named Ken Lay. Yeah, but then you said that was such a great Lay. Made like a Lay. A Layne, yeah. Anyway, so back to Brian Kiley. Well, you know, the thing is, when my great-uncle died at Pearl Harbor, all the family members were offered $10,000 by the government. But only my uncle took them up on it. Really? He started a business with it. And the rest of the family held it against him because they said it was blood money. Yeah, it was blood money. They didn't want to touch it. And that business was Xerox. Dude, if I was in talking terms with my uncle who ran Xerox, I would definitely not be here right now. I'd be on my mind. My grandfather died at Pearl Harbor. You know what his last words were? Glub glub. That's my Whitney Houston punchline. What were Whitney Houston's last words? Glub glub. So anyway, David died at Pearl Harbor, but there's a comedy club there now. It's a whole other thing. So the Nazis, without America. Oh, the story's still going on. Oh, my God. Hitler declared war on America after Pearl Harbor. Right. America wasn't going to go fight Hitler until Hitler declared war. So Brian's father joined up to liberate the Germans from the Germans and was in the Battle of the Bulge. So 50 years later, Brian's father is vacationing in Florida and he meets a young German. Because Germans like to visit Florida. Why, to see lots of Jews like in the olden days? Germans don't like Florida. They like Texas. They go to Germany. No, for real. No, no, the Irish like Florida. No, the Germans like Florida. Because they know the Irish like Florida. They don't know what an old Jew looks like. OK, better. That's kind of my joke. You know, I'm laying this ride because I really would love to just get on with life. I really want to find out who David is dating. I need to find out more about his family. Brian's father goes to Florida. He meets a young German. He meets a young German. And the young German says to Brian's father, Brian's father, have you been to Germany? And Brian's father said, I only got as far as the Elb. That's pretty funny. I don't understand that joke at all. It was a joke about how far his infantry unit got during the World War II. Did you get that joke from humor and uniform from Peter's digest? Well, when Brian Kiley tells it, it's hysterical. Well, Brian's funny. I don't know. Maybe I'm experiencing such a profound sense of disillusionment and disappointment. You know, this reminds me. Maybe I dragged the story out. The best part of that joke was because they'd never seen old Jews. Well, it was the journey. This reminds me. You know what? It was shortly, was not the journey. Wait a second. This reminds me of my grandfather. Hang on for one second. Fuck Brian Kiley. I don't give a shit about him. Fuck Brian Kiley. I like Brian Kiley a lot. Let's not go through. Get out of Brian Kiley. No, no, no, I like Brian Kiley. That fucking story sucked. Well, listen. Thank you for pointing that way. David, when you told us. He ruined my show. Fuck Brian Kiley. When you told us the story. No, that's a shitty story. They reminded me of when my father. I'm pissed off at him now. When my grandfather would tell stories, but after he had two strokes. It's a two-stroke rule. So, David, when you go on a date, where do you take a lady? Do you go out to dinner? Bingo. Bingo? Bingo? Or take dinner? Like what kind of restaurant? What level? How much money? Are we talking Asia to Cuba? Oh, never would you go to that restaurant. What's that? Oh, it's like a very overly designed, not very good restaurant that's sort of an Asian fusion mess in like, where is it? Like Murray Hill or some nonsense? I would say unless it has an early bird special problem. Are we talking, we're not going boulet, that's two over the top. What is, what? What is like boulet? What's boulet? It's a restaurant in Tribeca. Or Balthazar. Balthazar is like a good all purpose. How do you know these things? Because we live in New York City. Because I've lived here for fucking, Yeah, I lived here for 40 years. I mean, 29 years. Yeah, I lived here for 28 years. Yeah, it's like you get to occasionally, Go outside and do things. Like occasionally, like I'm going to spend money on my life. Yeah. And like do nice things that make me happy. Yeah. What does that mean? Like tonight, I'm going to see a play. Right. With my husband. And I'm prepared for us to get dirty looks when he starts ticking and other people in the audience get mad. And tonight I'm going to, with some friends to see fate of the furious. Very good. And then I'm doing a show at QED at 11 o'clock. Very good. Mm-hmm, okay. So let me ask you something, David. Yes, sir. I think I made a mistake once. I met a woman I really liked. And I was like a little too fucking into impressing her. So I took her to a Broadway play. Cause I was like, well, you know, she's just moved here from somewhere else. And so we went to the TKTS booth. And this is a good third date, I realized. But hang on, that's something I wouldn't do. What, go to the TKTS booth? Yeah, I would have to know her for a while. Well, I made the mistake. So I was like, I was like, I'll tell you what. We'll go to the TKTS booth, we'll pick a play that's on sale and we'll just go. I went to see a musical, but it's like four hours of not talking to each other. It's like a really horrible way to get to know somebody. Right. But also four hours is like too long for a musical. Well, three hours. Four hours of not talking to each other. Well, three hours, whatever. Might as well get married. Well, here's the thing though. I feel like you should send your listeners a David Feldman joke-construction magnetic kit. Yep. Everything would end with divorce or marriage. Sure, sure. Everybody is in a writing room, right, Colleen? Everyone is not in a writing room, technically. No, but in a writing room, the rule is gay or fat. No, gay I think is out. Well, no, you were throwing shade, which is the gay show. So probably it was out at your show. I think it's out in general. Well, David's out in general. Maybe that's a stale thing. See, I called him gay, that's pretty funny. Because it's so shameful to be gay. Right, you see, because- What were the room jokes at throwing shade? There were almost none. I mean, it was like a pretty like- Professional operation? Yeah. How do you waste time? We didn't. But what kind of show is that? A normal show where there's not a lot of extroverts. It was delightful. Wait a second, nobody was like on an assembly line- Do it in room bits? Blowing a guy? Nobody screamed at you about 9-11 for three hours? No, there were a lot of- I had that, me too. There were a lot of Kate Blanchett inside jokes, deep cuts. There were a lot of 70s cinema references. Yeah, that's the gay show. That's the thing, like you probably- It was gay men and women. Yeah, there's a show at the height of the Cosby revelations. There was a show and the boss would call a meeting. A two-hour meeting every day to talk about Cosby and make Cosby jokes. Had nothing to do with the show. But everybody had to go in and imitate Bill Cosby. That sounds horrible. That sounds hilarious. It does sound kind of funny. It was like the official Cosby meeting. I'm just not into room bits. Wait, so he would- What's the point of being a comedy writer if you're not into room bits? That's the whole point. Well, that's for comedy performers. Because the show is irrelevant. Oh, you were a head writer. You're a head writer. You know the thing was- That doesn't mean anything, though. You know what, David? When she was in the room- I hate wasting time. I'm fucking German. You're writing for television. You're writing for television. You're already wasting time. Yeah, but I like to waste time on my schedule. You know what, David? Here's the thing. So, David, I can see it now. When she was in the room- Here's what I am. It was all work. A disciplined writer who fucking gets shit done. Yeah, so she wouldn't use- That's not, that's, what's the point? No, you know what? You got corners right now. The corners of your mouth are turning up. So I know you're not even believing what you're saying right now. This is a pile of horseshit. You and I have both discussed off the air. Yes, I'm blowing up your spot about how there's tommlers and typers. How there's extroverts in the room who do room bits and da-da-da-da-da. How Mel Brooks on your show of shows was a tommler. And then how there's- And there's typers. And dyslex. And dyslex. Because everyone else was a typer. An introvert who, you know, turns ideas and thoughts and words around in their minds. Neil Simon. Like a Rubik's Cube. You're Neil Simons. But I told that to you- You're Woody Allen. You're Doc Simons. I told that to you in privacy. See- I told that to you as a- But I've told other people that. I confided- Other comedy writers who I trust in life. I confided in you. You never told me that. I told you two things not to tell anybody. But it never came up between us though. I told you not to tell anybody about that person I murdered in Thailand. What was a hooker so it's not really a person? Well I did tell that. Thank you for saying that cause I'm ribbon with guilt and that- Well that dent you have from the ping pong ball ricocheting? Technically with self defense. That forehead dent. Your honor. Is that dent. Won't ever go away so you've been punished enough. It clearly says, you know- See but I guarantee you. Bangkok, Ping Pong Bowl, Manufacturing Co, Inc. That's on you. I guarantee you. That's literally on you. Colleen was head writer where when she was in the room, it was all business, everyone got to work, and as soon as she left, people were like, all right, now let's talk about what we watched last night. Can I tell you, the hosts were very disciplined. I mean, it was like fucking breakneck making those episodes. It was really, it was a really, really small staff. We were just fucking cranking shit out all the time. And like, we also didn't really know each other very well. I feel like you can do room bits once you have some familiarity or whatever. What's the best room bit you ever heard, David? The room bits, there was a guy named Jose Arroyo. We used to do room bits. Great writer. Yes. Conan Guy too. So when everybody was doing porn titles, it was a period, right? This was before Colleen was born, but everybody. Well, it was definitely not, I assure you. So I said enough with the porn titles and then I would shout. You did not say that. You did. And then you would shout out your own porn titles. No, then I would say, I would say, okay, I want the titles of movies about dead babies. And Jose Arroyo said, dumb and dumpster. See, they look at Colleen's. Not dump and dumpster. Dumb and dumpster. And that's when that was the game we used to play on the show that I worked on. We would come up, I would usually be the one who would call out the, instead of a porn title, you had to come up with movie titles based on, you know, Holocaust themes and that kind of stuff. Look at Colleen's face, it's just like, that would not fly in my writing room. I'm just like, my thing is, do you want to write? Like, why is everything a competition? Like, let's just fucking get things done so we can go home. That's how efficient she is. She won't even say, on. No, I'll save a syllable, I don't give a fuck. In fact, the leader of Coria just took that syllable. Fun. That was a long walk, none of that here. That sputtered worse than the last missile he fired. Awful. Just move. I feel like this show just took a turn. God bless this effort, but here's the thing, you want to assume that I'm not fun in a room. I love you, I'm begging you to come here every day. No, you're not. Yes, I am. You can have some famous people, you can do a lot better than me, bro. No, I can't, in fact, when I... Dude, you had Mr. Methane, all right? Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane, I apologize. The forder. Yes. Did he fart in here? It was on the phone. Oh, did he fart into the phone? He phoned it in. No, I'm serious, did he fart into the phone? No, I wouldn't allow that. I actually interviewed him as though he were a musician and we talked about the instrument and how he preps. And I found out, don't do that. There wasn't one of those, there wasn't. Style, please, don't, and it turns out, is that a cleat? No, it was a fart, but it was like one of those, I just had some red cabbage type farts, but like I also ate other foods so it was like kind of stuck in there. All right, so... It's just, it's like a little release of air. And it's about to get wed like... And I found out, I found out that Mr. Methane... Was related to Brian Kiley? Oh no! And his father liberated Mr. Methane from Auschwitz. He was gassing the Jews, Mr. Methane, so a lot of people don't know this. Mr. Methane misrepresents himself. It turns out, this is, if you listen to my interview, Brian... It's not gonna happen. No, I think I skipped that one. It turns out he breathes through his down under. You mean his bunghole? His bunghole. That's impossible. I can understand where you could have muscle control, where you could like open it up. Right, but he inhales through his diaphragm. That's unlikely. I'm telling you the truth. And he said, he discovered from his sister, he was doing yoga with his sister and he realized he could breathe in... By creating a vacuum of sorts. Yes, but he doesn't like breathe like it. No, but he can... It's not going all the way up to his lungs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. He's quote unquote breathing, yeah. Right, he's breathing in... I know how anatomy works. And so technically it's not Methane, it would be nitrogen and oxygen. Right, it would just be air. It would be air, so he misrepresents himself. It's not Methane. Although aren't there not technically trace elements of Methane in all the air especially when I'm in a room. Well, don't I know a brother? Now let me ask you a question. Yes. I don't think we need this national inquirer gimmick. I was gonna read you some of my notes. I've never been on your show when one of these bits worked. But go ahead. What bit? What bit he says... I don't know. He's flipping through a national inquirer so he can bait us with nonsensical bullshit. I was... Let's talk about like chefing and restauranting and shit. Like we were gonna talk, like we were talking about before because that was fun. Okay, we had Jeremiah Tower on the show. Yes. You guys know food. I don't know food. Your dad was a chef? Yes. Is a chef? Well, he's retired now, but yeah. He was a culinary instructor my whole life. From Germany. So he really knew his way around the ovens. Ovens. Thank you. They're showing a pizza and a Jew, right? Pizza doesn't scream when you put in the oven. You do? It does. I made Jackie the joke man very angry by telling him that joke. A pizza does scream if you put in an oven if the topping is a live baby. So that joke is not only anti-semitic, it's fashion. It's also broken its construction and it's desperation to top Mr. McEnany. That joke, David, was dumb and dumpster. Yeah, yeah. That one needs to go into the toilet at prom. That one. So go ahead. I was in a Jersey dumpster. So you grew up around food? I did. I grew up around chefs. One of my favorite things was when we would have a day off of school if it was one of those... Did they have snow days in Minnesota? Oh yeah. I thought they would have no snow days in Minnesota where they canceled school because there was no snow. Yee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. But yeah, I would go with my dad to his work sometimes and I still have really warm and fuzzy memories of giant industrial Hobart mixer and when they would do butchery days, when they would butcher a side of beef. I mean, the way David Butcher... The way David Butcher's Brian Kiley story? Yeah, and the Brian Kiley story. I used every part of that joke and that story. Yes, but it's more, the effect was more like scrapple, not like high-end, oval, repurposing at some Brooklyn blot. You know how when you're poor and you eat supermarket brand hot dogs? That was David using every part of Brian Kiley's story. Right. Hey, fuck Brian Kiley. Man, that story sucks. That guy has Emmys and fucking writers. Now, hang on for one second. Brian Kiley is one of the most respected comedy writers in the business. Emmys, Writers Guild Awards, he's been on Letterman. He's my parents' favorite comedian. We get it. His fucking story sucked. He killed the show. Fuck Brian Kiley. Do you have as much reach as like Rwandan Radio did in the 90s? They... Well, yes. Asking for a friend. You know what? Yes, in that, when people hear this show, they cut their own... Violently murderous. They cut their own heads off. With a machete. I regret to inform you that I will be killed and will kill my own family tomorrow. So go ahead. That was a deep cut Philip Gravich joke in case anybody was... I didn't get it. You know what? I'll cop to the fact I didn't understand that. But you know what? That was a deep cut in Rwandan, too. You know, Colleen? Colleen, I trusted you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I trust you that that was funny. It was. So go ahead. Your father used to... You know what? David, I think you're actually a lot of fun in a room. Thank you. I know David doesn't really like things... David thinks that I'm a stern taskmaster. Yeah, I get it. Really good. No, I don't. Well, then... Can a bitch tell us that? Can a bitch get a sip of coffee before she gets kicked in the veg? Every time she opens her goddamn mouth? Her problem with Colleen in the writer's room is every time she leaves and closes the door, people start looking for spigots right after the door. So your father used to take... Because they're all Jews in the world. Your father used to take... On butcher day, he would cut up tutsis or hutus. Now this is getting too mixed up. Okay, so... Now this is just like a... You know what? It's like a dish with too many flavors and everything's getting muddled. Okay, so there would be a snow day. So if your father would take you to work and he taught cooking, he was at the Culinary Institute in Minnesota. It was called St. Paul Technical Vocational School, but it was one of the only programs in the Twin Cities where you could learn how to become a professional chef. Right. But he cut his teeth as a chef and a lot of luxury... Not about this joke, it's not worth it, I can tell already. I can tell already. Hang on, she said cut his teeth as a chef! And I go, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on! You're literally just taking up space with annoying, high-pitched noises. David's afraid people will forget this is his podcast. Yeah. Which I don't know why. I wish they would, I wish they would. They'll be like, wow, this Colleen podcast turned very interst... Oh, it's David. Okay. All right, so your father cut his teeth as a chef. Right. In like fancy... After he pulled the teeth of the Jews in Germany. Right, exactly. And you'll notice I didn't make a joke about cutting the teeth. Oh, I applaud your restraint, David. Let's just say he has a collection of teeth. And a bitch finish a story. I'll ask once again. He has a jar full of gold teeth. That's all we're gonna say. All right, so your father was teaching and he would take, it was take... No, don't even try to catch up because your mind is warring, just looking for any word to come up with the next thing. Not like a whirling dervish. I was thinking of a blender. No. Hey, Alex, can we cut David's mic? You look so smug right now. It's disgusting. What, I wanna hear the... Here's you. Okay, so father, daughter. He grew up in Germany and then he left home when he was 14, like you do if you are on the... Did he meet Brian Kiley's father on the way out? No, I think only Russian soldiers ever went through their village and tried to rape my Oma. That's a true story. So when he left, he went to Germany and Austria and Switzerland and worked in fancy hotels and restaurants in Switzerland and then he worked on ships that were bringing people from Europe to America. He went on a... He worked in one that went from London to Greece to Morocco to New York. He worked on that one. Basically, yeah. And then he worked for the Sheraton Ritz Hotel chain in London. He opened one in Kingston, Jamaica. Wow, back when that meant something, by the way. Yeah, in the early 60s. No coward. Well, he was Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire's private chef when they worked on a movie down there in Jamaica. Wow. And then he worked in the Sheraton Ritz in New York on 33rd and Park, which is there no longer. But then they asked him to open up a kitchen in Minneapolis and he thought, oh, how interesting to be in a Navy town. He thought it was Annapolis. And he got there and he's like, oh, no. But then he met my mom, who was a beautiful young woman who dropped off a packet of papers at his office because she was working in catering and events planning and they fell in love and they got married in 68. And then two years later, I was born. And then he decided to not be a hotel restaurant chef anymore, he decided to teach so he would have better hours. I see. Okay. Walleye? Why? Walleye. Walleye is a wonderful lake fish. Very delicate, white and flaky. It's kind of like maybe a halibut, like a freshwater halibut is what I would say. Whenever I play Acme comedy. Oh yeah, that's a delightful club. They served me walleye. When I used to eat fish. Do you not anymore? I don't eat fish. Are you vegan now or something? Well, I don't eat fish. So, okay, so your father took you to school one day. Wait a second, are you allergic to fish? You just... I don't want to talk about my dating life. Well, now that you mention it, though. Yeah. Are you getting your dick in? Well, the real question is, are you getting your face wet? Yes. That is... Fair point. I appreciate the specificity of that. I don't think David gives like that. Which is too bad for me. Why would I, wait a second. Why would I want a woman to throw cold water in my face? Wait a minute. No, no, I'm talking about orally pleasing a woman with your mouth. What do you mean? Yeah, that was a... What do you mean? Confusing construction. What do you mean telling her a joke? See, I knew you'd be a good friend. I've never known David Feldman to be so coy. He's like gathering his leg toward himself, his crossed leg toward himself, as though to guard his body from our onslaught of nosy questions. Well, I mean, do you think there might be a possibility that the woman I have tied up in my basement might listen to the show? See, that's... No, absolutely not. I do not want to offend her. That's a joke answer. But if she listened to this podcast, is she really gonna be the kind of person who's offended by things? I'm gonna say no. Yeah, considering that we just made... Hi, hi, just destroyed you. Maybe I'm not attracted to women who find me funny. We just went through three... That is between you and your analyst. Maybe, maybe I don't like... But that has nothing to do with our questions, which you should answer honestly. Maybe in moments of intonation. Wow, this is very interesting. Oh, this is very telling. This is so Freudian jackpot right now. What? What? You're stumbling on the word intimacy like a rodeo clown in a mud pit. Dude, you're stumbling on the word intimacy like a character in a sitcom that is afraid of intimacy. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, no, no. Like an 80s sitcom be like, that might be a little too broad. Let's bring that down a little bit. Maybe I'm not... Okay, then why would she be listening to your podcast? Yeah, seriously. Why would you be dating someone who's listening to your podcast if you don't like somebody who thinks you're funny? Well, to be honest, he hasn't been funny yet, so. Fair, fair. You might think it's an NPR type chat show. Right, like a fresh air. Yeah. Except this is like stale air. Terry, Terry extremely gross. Musty air, right. Majorly gross. Majorly. But I... I'm majorly gross. But I... What do you say? Go. So you're saying you don't do that. Do what? You don't go down on a woman. I would not. I will not discuss. What does it mean to go down? I mean, make fun of them? No, perform oral sex upon. Wait a second. When has go down ever meant make fun of them? Perform oral sex on a woman. They don't have penises. I don't understand, would you? Wow. This coy, whole persona just is so ill-fitting. What? Fred Astaire didn't tap dance this fast. It's like David Burns' suit in Stop Making Sense, R.I.P. Jonathan Demi, a great artist. Oh my God, that was very sad. Yeah. So I... So that's a no. What's the question? Does David Feldman go down on women? The answer we're left with is no. Yeah, I mean, that's the only answer I have is a no. We have no affirmative. I can't answer that question. Yes, you can. Technically, you can. Technically, you are capable of answering this question. You know what we're talking about. Don't pretend you don't know what go down on it. You know, if I brought it up in a hilarious show, are you accusing me of being a black man? Is that what you're... I'm accusing you of being coy. You're saying... Which is the corniest thing ever. And putting a wall between yourself and your feelings. And the interviewers. Yeah, this is like... What do you think? Like you're asking her about her family history. We're asking her to like open up to you. But you refuse to do like... Where is the quid pro quo? Yeah, exactly. Where's the quo? That's exactly right. Where's the quid? I don't see no pro neither. Oh my... Oh shit! So... Wait a minute. So you're back in New York. I miss this. Yeah, you're gonna come here every Saturday. Oh my God, I just snotted out of my nose. I got nose juice on me. It's really cold in here. You're gonna be here every Saturday, right? No. Yes. No. No. I bet you need to find some work. I gotta get a job, David. I need a goddamn job. I do wanna call in for the Fred Stoller interview. Okay, but you said I look smug. You did before and now you look worried. What do you mean I look smug? I don't even remember what that was about. Do I have a smug look? Right now, no. No more you did. You know what, now you look a little bit upset. Now you look upset and concerned. Like we got really close to something true about you and now you're just frantically backped. Well I don't think it's the rule that I had. You're hamster wheeling. You are, you really are. Don't talk about my intestines. You're backpelling like the Polish 500. Hang on, let me explain the joke. No, well please, that'll make it funnier. You said Brian Tyler's father. No, I was kidding. I don't want you to explain that. Hamster wheeling and I said my intestines because there's a gerbil up there. So and I, and because I love animals, I put a wheel in my intestines. But it only got as close as the elbow. You're just desperate. Your mind is overactive and you're desperate. So you're just like firing, sparking, sputtering. You know what it is? He's looking for anything that will turn the conversation away from the fact. He refuses to go down on women. Yeah, that was weird. That's like a, why would you say that about me? That's a weird- Because that's what we're assuming because you're playing coy with us and not answering the question. You're being evasive. Coy. Sketchy. You mean like the fish? No, bitch. That's a poi. See, oh, why? What's a coy pond? Poi. That's a coy pond. You are being evasive and sketchy. Don't, you can't coy pond your way out of this. Well, because I don't think- The thing, David, is like, it's shown that it's easier for women to orgasm if men go down on them first and then penetrate. But what does women have what? What? Huh? Women orgasm? You are doing such a bad job of defucking right now. This is fucking terrible. It's charmingly pathetic. We're just gonna keep on doing this. You're giving more answers by refusing to answer. I have a rule that, you know, I never talk about my kids or my ex-wives. What? You talk about your divorce all the time. But I don't go into specific. Nobody's talking about going down on your kids. Or are we? It's an invader. Don't cut that out, Alex. I got into trouble for praising one of my kids on somebody's show. I got yelled at for talking about him. Yelled at by whom? By one of my kids for talking about him. Who cares if your kids yell at you? They're supposed to yell at you. It gets tiring after a while. Dude, just tell them- Why don't you tell them to shut the fuck up and have some respect for their father? Yeah, tell them you're not gonna pay their rent anymore. They'll get in line. Yeah, they'll fucking- Yeah, they'll fucking get in line. Tell the line. I was never allowed to be a disciplinarian. I was never allowed to be a disciplinarian. No wonder your kids are so fucked up. Dude, your kids aren't exactly the seven little foys where you're thrusting them on the vaudeville stage. I'm glad you guys get that, by the way. I have no idea what it means, but I like the sound of it. Bob Hope, the seven little foys. That was a true story. Yeah. It was based on Eddie Foy. I just read his autobiography. I'm gonna plug a couple of books before I'm out of here. All right. One is called Clowning Through Life, the autobiography of Eddie Foy, a vaudeville and Broadway star. Was that the son or the father? The father. Or the Holy Ghost. The father, he, when he was a kid, he survived the Great Chicago Fire, and then his mother was the nursemaid for Mary Todd Lincoln. And he lived in Dodge City for six months and was friends with Wyatt Earp. It's an amazing book. How much of it is actually true? You know, I would actually, by the way, Wyatt Earp is what Mr. Mething calls his analarynx. You know, every time there was like something in this, every time there's something in this book, some of the time there's something in this book where I was like, that can't be true. He would then reproduce like a letter from an eminent physician, or like, there was a whole thing about how he was in a theater fire, basically the theater fire in Chicago that created all our fire codes in this country. Oh, because of all the gaslight. Yeah, because everyone just died. Like just thousand people died because so many exits were chained. And, but he was, he was stood on stage and like sang to like calm people down as they exited so they wouldn't stampede each other. Jesus Christ. But it's a, and anyway, that was a great book. And the other one is Jason Sineman's Letterman book. Oh yeah. Which we were talking about earlier. Such a, What's the guy's last name? Sineman. Z-I-N-O-M-A-N. I'm surprised you haven't had him on your podcast. He writes about comedy for the times. We'll get him. I'm just doing a little too much comedy. He's doing like all the bigger podcasts. What do you normally do? Well, we've been avoiding politics. I have a little Trump fatigue. Tof. Me too. Although I will say that Trump's show is fucking funny. That president's show. I haven't seen it yet. God, it's good. Anthony Atamannanouk. Well, what's his last name? I don't know how to pronounce his last name. But his characterization of Trump is just incredible. It's super funny. I'm hardly saying anything that is newer original here. It's so good that he got his own show. Right. And does he just play Trump throughout the whole thing? It's on Comedy Central, right? Yeah, the first. The first act is like at the desk. He does a desk segment. So it's like, that's my bush. What, wait, what was that? It was a talk show. Yeah. It's like as though Trump has his own late night talk show. So act one is at the desk. Act two is a pre-tape. And then act three was an interview with Keith Olberman. And then there's a little act four out. Did Olberman play it straight? Or did he try to be funny? He tried to, but he tried to be funny too. He was trying to do it both ways. Yeah. It's like that Brian Kiley story we heard earlier. Yeah. Well, I have a list here from Dick Morris. You know, remember Dick Morris? He wasn't he a speech, speech? No. For Clinton. Presidential advisor? For Clinton. Yeah, he was, well he was. And then he sold them out and he wrote like a whole book about how evil the Clintons are. Didn't he have hookers or something, like he had some scandal? Yeah. Wait, am I thinking of Marv Albert? No, no, you're right. You're right. Dick Morris, he would lick a hooker's sheet. That's what he liked to do. And you know what, God bless. Yeah, whatever brings her pleasure, right, David? Right. But when you go down on a woman, it makes her more likely to orgasm. I mean, he doesn't, but if you did, where are you saying that there's something on a woman's toe that makes her go off? Well, there are many nerve endings in the toes and feet, so possibly. Have you ever had your feet suck, David? I had a girlfriend that liked to do that. It actually feels good. Yeah. As if I. Only in my case, it was a boyfriend. Sucking your toes. Yeah. I mean, she didn't love to do it, but she, she started. But you know what, that's an early in the relationship thing. That doesn't continue. Unless you're like a true foot fetishist, one would assume. Yeah, but she basically started doing it one night and I was like, oh my God, that feels great. Well, Liam, a lot of Liam's girlfriends suck his toes because he kicks them in the mouth. Wow, that got real dark. I don't even get that. Oh, I see. Did I abuse them physically? Yeah. You don't like that? I just wasn't expecting it to take that turn. I thought it was going to be like a collegial, sort of jovial, fun lift out. Instead, it was just sort of brutal. It was like a Westworld flavored gag. Is that what happens in Westworld? It's super violent. Do they abuse fake prostitutes? Oh yeah, they're always getting beat up and raped all the time. Jesus. Liam's interesting is, is that a comedy or is it? No, no, it's a very self-serious drama. And there are guys who want to beat up robots. That's not the same thing as beating up a real woman. You know, the interesting thing is, so David dates a woman who doesn't want him to talk about oral sex, but does want him to talk about kicking women in the teeth. Interesting. Yeah, because it's not true. What's not true? That you don't go down on women? That's not true. No, I will not. I've never kicked a woman in the mouth, so I can joke about it. Allegedly. I can joke about things that aren't true. You know, if he pays for it. Do not go down on women. And, and do you think, you know, if he pays for it, technically they're not people in his eyes, so you can kick him in the mouth. Right, like that, that Thailand hooker who hit him in the forehead with the paint on the wall. That he murdered in self-defense. My father said to me, if you can't get it up, you go down on them. That's not true. I'm kidding. Let me read you. Are you though? What? They had a ring of truth to it. I was making it. I'm a very generous lover. In that you pay them in 20s. I mean, what an elegant, simple construction. I was gonna go, I tip 50%, but that's... Well, that's because you're Jewish, so you only have 50% of the tip left. Dick Morris, who was a friend of Brian Kiley's, and by the way, fuck Brian Kiley for that story. Right? That's the last time I steal a Brian Kiley. Watch. Stop planning for this podcast and just let it flow, because when you let it flow, this is a great show. But when you do bits and things that you thought of. All right, I had something. All right, how much time do we have, Alex? Half hour. We have what? Oh, we still have more time? I'm having fun. So here's the job. Me too, I just fogged out for a second, because I'm tired. Here's the thing, here's the bit that David wanted to do. This is a list of the National Enquirer, and there's gonna be like, oh, this is such a great list, and let me read you some stuff, Colleen, and then you're gonna be like, no, this is a National Enquirer. So from jobs to trades... Here's the thing I'll say about the National Enquirer. It's true. A stopped clock is right twice a day. No, don't give it away. Let him do his bit, let him do his bit. No, no, no, no. No, I'm deconstructing your bit, which is a lot funnier. I don't want to be deconstructed. Let me just see that for a second. Wait, so I was gonna be like, yuck, the National Enquirer. I'd give the National Enquirer props. They broke the Gary Hart story. And the Pizza Gate story. And the Pizza Gate story. They broke Pizza Gate, wasn't true, though. Oh, it wasn't? Allegedly. Well, then I'd better stop posting about it, I'm ready. So it's like, Dick Morris wrote a column called From Jobs to Trade, Trump's Getting It Done. And then it's like... Where was the column? In the National Enquirer. Oh, it was for the Enquirer. And they're for Trump. And they're for Trump. Yes, they've been for Trump since the beginning. So... Because they're mobbed up. Are they? So now... Oh, by the mafia? Here's the, okay, wait, can we sidebar for one second? Of course, of course. What is going on with the mafia right now? Like, is that the only thing that it's got left? No, it's got the waterfront still. Yeah. I mean, the waterfronts aren't as profitable as they used to be, but, you know, there's still jobs to be had. Okay. You wanna know what happened? Because I feel like the sanitation thing is not really a thing. You wanna know what happened on the mafia? Well, I want to see Liam's take, and then I'm gonna ask you. Okay. Basically, like, they've been marginalized because the federal government, really, in the 90s, especially, I mean, I'm just talking about, like, the Gottys and all the people in New York that I grew up... Right. The Gambino's, the Genoveses. Right. The ones I grew up reading about in the paper. Like, the Daily News was mobbed up for a long time. Interesting. In fact, John Gottys' widow had a five-part column about how great he was. I just, like, straight up, this is why John Gottys was the greatest human being on Earth. I figured that it was just because, like, technology basically eclipsed the smartness of mafia people. Like, mafia people thought that they could keep on doing their own way of doing things, but then it was like, oh, guess what, bitch? We've been surveilling you for, like... Well, no. Ever. Would you like to know the truth? So they had people in the FBI, so they learned about surveillance technology and what they could talk on and what they could safely do. But, you know, like, so basically there was a lot of heat on them, and then these federal task forces broke them up and there was a lot of, like, prosecution. Right, they got him on a re-go. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff like that. Would you like to know the truth? Ah. Yeah, sure, let's do it. Sure. Everything Liam said is what they want us to believe. And what do you believe? Well, Gottys was disliked because everybody knew his business. If you're in the mafia... Because he was too much of a showboat? Yeah, if you're in the mafia, mm, you are not supposed to talk about it. Omerta. So, which is the code of silence. Right, and in Albanian mafia it's called the Besa. The Besa, I like that better. If you want to know what happened to the mafia. And the Jewish mafia is called, oh, it looks filthy. They're sitting in the situation room at the White House. That's what happened to the mafia. Donald Trump. Actually, Trump... You cannot pour cement. Okay, now we're getting in the crazy town. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Trump is mobbed up, but I don't think they're in the situation room. Roy Kohn? Roy Kohn is dead, dude. No, no, Trump has been photographed with known mafia figures through this point. You can't pour cement. Oh, no, I know. Construction, you can't do construction in New York without pop opnists. But that's like low level mob. And of course, Atlantic City owning Pataj Mahal. He was the only one in Atlantic City who wasn't working with Nikki Scarfo. So, tell me, how does dropping a bomb on ISIS benefit the mafia? Yeah. How does building a wall benefit the mafia? But you know what? I feel like we're just skating the hook. What's it called? Mother of all bombs. Mother of all bombs. You know about Italian men and mothers. So what is this list that you... I'm sorry, I deconstruct your bit. Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no. I apologize. I want to talk about the mafia. The fact is that the mafia, it's not what, it's evolution. Excuse me for one second, okay? Are we gonna get to Bush and Gore and like the fucking Gore and Iraq because I will kill myself and me and Mente. When the Italians... So, Brian Kiley's fault. When the Italians came to America, they had a... They had a spicy meatball. They had to work with the Jews because... That's a nice adona. They needed the Jews to do the math. They needed Meyer Lansky to do the math. That's not true at all. Yes. Otherwise, there would be Chinese people in the mob. Well, there are. And what happens is... Well, just a different mafia though. The tongs. The Italian mafia through evolution and it's even spoken about in Godfather 3. I'm so glad you're here, Colleen, because sometimes I'm on the show with another guest that just lets her slide. Where did Michael... And I'm like, you know what? I don't want to fight this alone. Where did Michael Corleone go to college? I don't know because you know what? I don't fucking care about the Godfather bullshit. He went to... Also, that was a fictional character. No, the point Pooza was making is that they... Is that he wasn't smart enough to get into Princeton, Yale, or Harvard? I remember being... Morning with Colleen! Look at my smug. Do I have a smug look? No, it just looks like you're adjusting your beanie in an uncomfortable way. Do I look... Why are you wearing a beanie? I've been in the woods for a couple of days. But it's like literally 82 degrees outside right now. I am going to get back to grooming tomorrow. Is something going on with your hair transplants? No, I just... I'm not groomed. I'm going bold. I'm just fucking letting it go. Look at me, I got like two inches of gray roots here. Look at this. Gray roots. Not good. That was the sequel to... It's all the characters from Roots, but they're all like 80 to 100 years old. No, they're all aliens. What's my name? Kanta Kinte. No, I can't remember. What's my name? Because he's got Alzheimer's. Right. So this list, gray roots. So Dick Morris put a list together. No, we're going to read it together. What happens is the mafia children get smart. They get educated. Right, your hunter Sopranos, your medical Sopranos. All your fictional characters. And then they go off to college, but they're still criminals. But now they're working in the Justice Department or they're working in the FBI and they're working in corporate America. Actually, there are thugs and they do the same thing their fathers did. They do their thugs, their corporate thugs. And you know what? Corporate thugs are much more dangerous than Lucky Luciano. Lucky Luciano, they only killed their own. But here's another question. Corporate thugs kill all of us. You know what? Okay, okay. No, no, I gotta, you know, Colleen, I gotta say this, this time it took 75 minutes for David to get to corporate America and the conspiracy. And I applaud you for your restraint. I'll say that. I applaud you for your restraint. About cutting his teeth. If only St. Bernie had done- Cut his teeth? That was restraint for me not to do a joke about your father cutting his teeth as a chef. Oh, we're getting real now. We're getting real now. Do you know how much respect I have for you to hold back? You actually did make a joke though. No, I said that there's an area for a joke. But I have- Yeah, but that's a passive aggressive way to like make a joke. Also, you can't, no, you couldn't think of a good joke but you claim that so that you can come back later. You like put like a post-it on it to come back to later, which is now- You put a pin in that map so that you can be like, okay, that's my territory. I'm not- I had a- I had a- I sell the jukeboxes to the boss. I had a- I break a date combs. I had a cutting of fart joke, by the way, off the cutting of the teeth. A few people at home- Oh, so you're an eight-year-old skill. I had a cutting- I had a cutting of the cheese- I had a cutting of the cheese- You had a pain on Colleen's face. No, no, I had a cutting the cheese joke and a cutting of fart joke when you said your father cut his teeth at the- Do you still miss me, David? Why are you bragging about this? You think I'm gonna respect you? I showed you restraint. I didn't do a cutting cheek. He cut his teeth. All right, but now you're playing it both ways by saying the joke and trying to get credit for not saying it. I want credit for not doing a cutting of cheese joke when you're doing a joke about cutting. This is some just-the-tip bullshit. Three billion dollars in fines for illegal imports. Don't do my bit. What a childish man you are. Yanking the inquirer out of Liam McEnany's hands. Of course I go down on women. Ah, we got him! We got him! Yay! Yay, high five, high five. All right, high five for you too. Yay! That was a really weak one, you gotta redo it. Oh, no, no, you gotta look at the hand. There you go. Okay, now we just did solid high fives. All right, there we go. All right, now I feel complete this. All right. What, what are you- Wait, are we done now? Why is there science? What do you think I am? I don't know what you are. But we were cool. You know, I was sitting here when Robert Smigel was on the show. Yeah. And he was sitting where you are, Colleen. And David had a whole bit planned for that. And then Robert, while eating a lox on a bagel, sat there and just kind of quietly deconstructed it. So, what was the bit like, you were gonna act like you didn't know who he was or something like that? And then he just kind of deconstructed what was supposed to be funny about that? It was very funny. It was very funny. Yeah. That seems to be the deconstruction chair. You're in the deconstruction chair. Yeah, you're in like the comic genius with no patience. It's like the cat bird seat of comedy. The bit was that Robert Smigel came in, it was a year ago, and I brought in all these young comedy writers. And I set this up where I said, and made for a great show because they were all afraid to talk to Robert Smigel. Oh, I'm sure they were feeling completely like constricted and like fearful of fucking up. I was the only one who felt comfortable talking to him because I'd met him before. The bit was that I was putting myself on the same level as Robert. So, I was saying we were talking to young comedy writers, I'm sure they have a lot of questions for me and Robert. You know, I have this podcast, so I'll answer your question. But what you were doing was like a weird inside baseball thing where like they can't really tell the difference because they're like too respected in comics. No, I told them before, I told them, there were five comedy writers here. And before the bit started, before Robert walked into the room, I said, just ask Robert questions, obviously. And I'll keep saying, does anybody have any questions for me? Oh, okay. Right, and then right before the show, David panicked and told Robert everything. No, because they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't do the bit. So, Robert's sitting there like, yeah, so what we're doing right now is, so they're asking questions, and I'm acting like I don't- Are we suddenly doing like a New York magazine recap of this very podcast? A while on the podcast. We're doing- This is so meta in a horrid way. Welcome to Talking Feldman, the after-show of the podcast. How was this not hosted by Chris Hardwick? We should do an after-show. This feels like, this was an after-show. This was like Colleen is back and Liam's back. Before we wrap it up. Do you still miss me or- Of course, this was the most fun I've had. I don't believe that. You don't think I had a good time? No, I believe you had a good time, but I feel like you've had a really good time lately with lots of delightful guests. I think this is the most fun I've had- Not a competition. The most fun I've had since the last time you spent 90 seconds going down on a woman before demanding a blowjob. It's like, oh, God, I hope that was good for you. Let's do this. Is this gonna happen now? Let's do this thing. Dude, my friend was just telling me that his friend hung out with Marky Mark in the funky bunch back in the day. She's like an attractive young woman. They went to some room where there was a mattress and she was sitting next to Marky Mark. Some room with a mattress. That sounded awful. Oh, God bless. And so Marky Mark turned to her and said, so this is gonna happen now? And then she went down on him. Wow, interesting. And she told you that. On the mattress? She told my friend that. Yeah, on the mattress. Wow. And why would a woman do that? Because he was a ripped, first of all, he was a Calvin Klein model, so he was a very attractive man. I suppose it's, you know, a decent cocktail party anecdote for later on. I'll say cocktail. I don't get it. That's not what I heard. That's all right. Yeah, girl. Waffle. Why would a woman do that? You tell me, David. I know why a guy would go down on Marky Mark that I understand. You have to ask Connie why a lady would do that. What did I say? I'm sure, I'm no lady. You know what, this is boring. I don't want to speak for all women. All right. Can you give me a favor and just check this list in the national choir for me? All right. Before we go. No, because he's gonna snatch it out of my hands like a vulture. Snatched. Speaking of snatched. Speaking of snatched, David Feldman. And he's dating life. Is that a haircut? Yeah, that's a puke in his throat. Like, oh God, how long? My jaw is so tired. It's been 15 seconds, David. You're wholly at my navel. Oh, my knees are numb. Oh, David, it's been like. It's all that gardening you were doing before. We're just reading. We're sitting in chairs reading. David looks up after 90 seconds. She's on the phone with her friend. I put a New York Times crossword puzzle on her navel and. I do a punch. No, again, I'm just laughing at the look on Colleen's face. I know, the funny, that's the sad thing about this show is nobody can see Colleen. Just how pissed, the dismay. We should do a game show. I finished the motherfucking crossword today in 21, 21. You are so smart. Saturday, do you time yourself? Yeah, I time myself every Saturday. That's crazy. But that's not my record, though. What's your record? My record, which admittedly is an outlier, is nine minutes and 36 seconds. I'll say it's a liar. You're so smart. But that was a mega easy one. Even Rex Parker, who does the Rexword blog about the New York Times crossword puzzle, said it was an easy. What's the record? All-time record? I think some of the super champion people can do it in under a minute. What? Yeah. You're so smart. But they do it online, they type it. I do it in pen. Yeah, no, you got it. Oh, you do it in pen? No pencil. No. When you're a smart... I'm gonna ask you a question, because they're all kidding aside, because I asked Jeremiah Tower this question. You can spot somebody who has taste. He says he knows who has taste and who doesn't. Thank you. And you're really bright. Do you know who's smart and who isn't? Can you say? No. But you know that you're smart. I think I'm reasonably smart. I wish I had had a better education than I did, and I had a pretty good one, but I wish I had had... You're so smart. So how many books do you read a week? Not sometimes, none. Sometimes... Are you able to read even when you're angry, pissed off, or depressed? No. No. If I am emotionally preoccupied, I have a really hard time doing anything. Do you veg in front of the TV? No, I actively watch TV. And do you watch shit? Or only good stuff? The only kind of actively-garbagey show I like is those competitions like American Ninja Warrior and things like that, or Wipe Out. Do you watch sports? No. Do you follow sports? Sometimes I'll watch rodeos, like bull riding and stuff like that, but I really don't... That's interesting. Do you pay attention to things because everybody else is paying attention to them, or do you pay attention only to things you're interested in? If I'm like, oh, why is everyone... Oh, I hadn't planned... I felt that way about big little lies. Everyone was talking about it, and I was like, hmm, I thought it looked bad, but maybe it's interesting. And I watched it, and I'm actually glad I did. So you pay attention to the cultural waves? I do. And you're influenced by what's around you? Define influenced. In other words, you will say what you just said. People are interested in this, so I should give it a shot. If everyone is down on a thing, I won't watch it. If it's wildly half, yes, half, no, I will watch it because I like things that are not controversial, but that people have wildly different opinions. Will you watch a show? David, do you need to clarify what down on a thing is? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Will you watch a show, knowing that you're only gonna watch one episode of it, even though you're gonna love it? Do you feel bad that you catch one episode of something that's important but you know you don't have the time to finish it? I always have time. I make time for programs. I love my programs. And what are your programs? Well, the American, this right now, obviously, RuPaul's Drag Race, which admittedly is a bit of a lighter watch. I like Masterchef Junior. I don't really like Regular Masterchef anymore, but I like the Masterchef Junior because I like the kids. I saw Irregular Masterchef where they cook food that isn't... Irregular's clothing, not food. No, I was gonna make a constipation joke. Can I ask you... Ha, ha, ha, ha. I wanna do a more... Are you recruiting her for Scientology now? Am I being recruited for ISIS? I don't even know what's happening now. You know what I think it is? It's like David's learning how to be friends with women, but he's not entirely sure how to approach this conversation. He's trying to figure out your level so that he can forge a real friendship. No, I'm attracted to very... You're married and I'm not attracted to you. Oh boy, here we go. Well, the feeling is mutual. Thank you. In fact, you disgust me. You mega-discussed me. I mean, you're repulsive. No, but I do... Literally, I'm projecting on vomiting right now. I find very intelligent women intimidating and... Yes, you've made that abundantly clear. And I like to alpha-dog them and make them feel stupid. Right, by obsessively going over your old weird jokes. No, I think smart women... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Pa-ka-pa-ka-pa. No, I'm fascinated by smart women. Here's three shows I really enjoyed lately that I think you might enjoy, too. Number one, Occupied. It's on Netflix. It's a Norwegian show that is taking place in the very near future. It's from an idea by Joe Nesbo, that Scandinavian crime author guy. I know his sister. I know his sister doesn't like me. Stop it, stop it. You know what? Don't even... It was just sad, is what that was. It was just sad. Stop it, Joe. It wasn't even charming. No, his name is Nesbo, he has a sister. Please, no, you know what I would... You can't see me at home here. You know what women like is being interrupted with unworthy comments over and over and over again? That makes fun to hear. No, you know what? Do your own fucking podcast. You can do your own separate podcast where you just say your own jokes out loud to your own self. No, no, you have to book like young women you can interrupt. You'll notice the restraint that I didn't say Joe Nesbo. I think I get it. You don't get any credit for that. But I didn't say it. You implied it. No, actually you did say it, but in the context of like, I would never make this joke. It was apparent. Yeah, this shitty playing in both ways thing is not cute on you. It's not a good look. It doesn't work because... It doesn't work for us because we recognize it. All right. Occupado on Telemundo. Occupied. Occupado on Telemundo. It's actually called Occupert. O-K-K-U-P-E-R-T. Is that Norwegian for Occupado? Yep. So it takes place in the very near future and the conceit of the show is that Norway has decided to stop producing all oil and gas in order to commit completely to clean energy. So... There are no Jews in Norway so it's a lot easier to stop producing gas. Right, there's no pickle pairing. David's so mad right now. No, I don't know whether or not you're saying because if they're Jews, you have to get Zyklon B. No, I thought it was because... Does that produce their gassy people? Yeah. That's what I thought it was. Jews are gassy people. But then I was like, but there is a lot of pickled fish to be eaten in Norway. That's true. Either way, whether you're Goyasha or Jewish. That is true. That is true. The stereotype about Jews being gassy it was the Nuremberg defense. Mm. I'll let that... I'll let that city silence. They're like gassing themselves. Look at them. So anyway, the... I am in the glass booth so I don't smell them. So the EU and Norway, or I mean the EU and Russia collude to basically force Norway to keep producing the oil and gas and then slowly and incrementally, Russia like takes over Norway. And there's only like 10 episodes or 12 episodes in the first season, which is all that there is on Netflix right now, but it is so possible. This shit is a crazy series. It's so good. We feed them the Chinese food and we let them gassy chara. The Chinese food. Yeah, makes you gassy. I thought he was doing it. I thought he was doing a Norwegian accent. I did it first and then I was like, oh no. He's... This is a German accent. You know what? You guys are not turning this around on me. I'm not gonna lie. No, no, no, you weren't in the moment. I was gonna bring back this joke. Yeah, you can't do that on the show. And really annoy her. You can't do this. See, I was gonna give you a lifeline. At first I thought you were being my dad. No. And I didn't understand what was happening. Do you love your dad? I do. Good. He's a good dad. Good. He was a good dad. He still is a good dad. Good. Your name is Eberhard. You've got interesting names in your life. Mm-hmm. And your husband's name is? Gardner Comfort. Gardner Bell Comfort is his full name. And his actual name. That is such a great name. It's a fantastic Matt and A. Idol name of Hollywood. And he's a super nice dude. You know what? We started talking about World War II and the Japanese and for my Japanese fans listening in Japan, we actually have a comfort woman here who is not Korean. Don't ever call me that again. I mean, I did have sex with thousands of Japanese servers against my will, but I call it. I call it. All right, that's it. You're coming back here every Saturday. I call it the Rising Sun Ladies Auxiliary Service. See? You're coming back every Saturday. You know why it's called the Rising Sun. Liam, do you know of any jobs that I can do that work on Saturday? I am calling. You know why they're called the Rising Sun, by the way, because those guys, much like David, never go down. I am voting for the strike because if there's a strike, that means Colleen. Will be unemployed. And she'll be here every week. Are you guilt? I am. Okay, okay. As of 2010. Congratulations. Liam, I will be free to sit in LA and crank out more spectscripts. When you coming back to New York? I will probably be back for my birthday, which is August 1st. So that's probably, I'm gonna come back for a week and see some friends and, you know, like... Why don't you come back here? I got to work, you know, and there's just... We gotta wrap it up. There's no work for me in New York that's... Well, you were so busy asking Colleen about TV shows. All right. Listen, I'm just saying, watch Occupy. It's totally worth it. Okay, how do people reach you, Liam? You go to HeyIt'sLiam.com. You can go and Spotify and listen to my albums, Working Class Fancy, Comedienne. There's Tell Your Friends, The Concert Film. I've done a lot of shit. And you know what else? 2016, GQ Spain called me one of the 100 funniest comedians of all time. Nice. GQ Spain. GQ Spain. Espana? I get no love in America, but apparently in Europe, people dig my shit. You're Mui Grande in Madrid. I'm going to be Gwande everywhere if I don't start working out. And... Wah wah. Hey, ladies and gentlemen. Bling, bling, bling, bling. Coming up next, Nukaia Grande. Yeah, yeah. Colleen? Yes. How do people reach you? Tentatively at best. How do people get in touch? I have her phone number, so if anyone needs it, just email me. First of all, I want to give a big shout out to all the Basement Masterbaters. I didn't even reference them once this whole time. What's up, BMs? How you doing? I don't get that. Oh, that's what David's audience is comprised entirely of. Basement Masterbater. I'm sorry to offend your listeners, all those Basement Masterbaters, and that took off. And then one man felt compelled to tell me that he lived in California and didn't have a basement, so I was like, okay, front yard Masterbater. Did he email you? He tweeted at me. Which you can also do, other Basement Masterbaters. Why don't we do... At Sea Worthman. I'm going to say my Twitter handle. You can tweet at me at HeyIt'sLiam. Okay, and how to... I'm at Sea Worthman, that's C-W-E-R-T-H. M is in Mary, A, double N, like in Nancy. Can we get a lot... That's some good branding. We got to wrap it up. Can we get a wild line, and we'll start the podcast with this. Hello, I'm Colleen Worthman. Hello, Basement Masterbaters. This is Colleen. This is another great David Feldman bit for his podcast. No, it's what, no. This is Colleen. Hello, Basement Masterbaters. This is Colleen. I'm not going to do exactly what you told me to. Okay. What's up, Basement Masterbaters? I'm Colleen Worthman. You're listening to the David Feldman show. Yo, yo, yo. You listen to the hottest show on podcast. I'm Liam McEnany. It's David Feldman's show right now. Thank you. Joining us. Oh man. You're on, we're rolling. Eddie Pepitone. My muse. My beloved Eddie. My beloved Eddie. How are you, sir? Oh, hi, David. How are you, buddy? You're at the, we miss you over here on the West Coast. Thank you. We need, we need to, we need some in, we need some people who read over here. There's not many readers, as you know, on the West Coast. Mm-hmm. And most of them are writing, most of them are writing for television. Yeah. So Eddie. What's going on with the writer strike, by the way? Do we want to talk about that at all? I will talk about the writer strike. Anything to shut Hollywood down is a good thing. Anything that just stops TV is a good thing. Yeah. It probably is, right? Well, the country is completely effed, Eddie Pepitone. I know that you voted for Trump. I know you have this act where you're the disenchantment. Well, I just wanted to, I wanted to shake things up. How about the people who say that? Like, I voted for Trump just to shake things up. Oh, you mean, you mean to open up public lands for exploration? Mark Marin, I heard Mark Marin. I'm a regular at the comedy store now, not to brag, but I heard Marin say on stage. So it looks like hunting in zoos will be legal soon. So tell me what you've been up to. Have you been traveling? Well, we'll talk about politics in a second. It's been a while. Last time you did the show, you were calling. As a pretend Trump supporter. So tell me, tell me some good news. Let's start with some good news. Tell me good news. I want five good things. Five good things. Oh, you know, for me, that's hard. No, my wife's car started up right away today and we were afraid it wouldn't. That's number one. Good. Basil and Charlotte are very well. They run after squirrels. It's just a beautiful thing that we have a nice green big park here that also serves as a homeless encampment. But the park itself, you know, you can't look any public space in the United States now is teaming with homeless people because of, you know, the deindustrialized nightmare that the United States has come because become because corporations are allowed. By the way, this is funny that this is this is on my list of good things. I can't help but getting getting into it. But you're absolutely right. There's an article by an MIT professor. He has a new book at Noam Tromsky. No, no, I want to get him on the show. He has a new book at 80 percent of Americans are in debt and are suffering from job insecurity. He said that fits the model for a third world nation when when 80 percent of a population are racking up debt and are experiencing job insecurity and fear. It is what is the model for a third world nation. So well, we know that that's the case that it is true. It really is. It really is very starkly, very starkly. It's haves and have nots. And it's it's gotten scary, scary are, which I didn't take was possible with this administration and just the the absolute disregard for people in debt and, you know, on the on the edge and all that stuff. It's it's just what how about you? Are you scared? I mean, the other three things that are going well for me is that I I I'm a paid regular at the comedy store and I've been doing a ton of sets and I was always scared to do the comedy story. I was kind of intimidated by Adam now. He's Adam. You're right. You're right. Adam Eget is just a doll and he's changed the vibe there. It's a real happening place. So every night I've been performing in front of huge crowds, huge and having, you know, really growing as a stand that's great. And then I've been I've been working three times a week with the personal trainer. But the funny thing about that is that my cholesterol, it's good, but not great. And he tells me this is I've been working three times a week with a personal trainer for almost a year. And I just had a physical for the first time in about a you know, a year or whatever. And he said, you have to die in an exercise. So I don't know what I love doing wrong with that. Yeah, the comedy store. That's great news. I did the comedy store. I could not pass Metsy. She wouldn't pass me. So she wouldn't pass me either. Yes. So I just I just is she there? Who is that? And you what happened to me? Anyway, I don't want to talk about me anyway. But I was back there and Adam is like the great he's taken. Yeah. Go look at Norm McDonald's YouTube television show. Adam is his sidekick on it. They don't make them anymore. I know, I know, I know. He would read jokes to Norm. There's one episode with Super Dave that might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Is that right? Adam reading these horrible jokes to Super Dave and Super Dave is just yelling. So that's great news. That's great. Yeah, the comedy. Yes, it's good for me. Yeah, I've been traveling a little. I'm going to I'm going to Atlanta in June to film. I'm a regular on this adult swim show called You're Pretty Faces going to hell with Craig Rowan in a new season. Yes, your buddy Craig Rowan. He's a big part of that show. Mm hmm. Henry Zabrowski, Matt Servito, who was a regular on this, I don't know, as a DA agent, used to chase Tony, real funny guy, really nice guy. Anyway, so I'm going to Atlanta. And last time I was in Atlanta from my hotel balcony, there was a huge protest trying to get on to interstate. I think it's interstate 80 out there. And right from my balcony, I saw this standoff between protesters and the cops. It was it was the time last summer when it was all about the cops shooting people and stuff like that. I was in the middle of that in Atlanta from my balcony. That's better than spank a vision. Who needs to rent porn when you can watch protesters and cops in Atlanta of all places? Right. Right. Let's let's discuss what's going on in the world because in the past, you've come on the show and complained about how bad things are. And I've always agreed with you, but I kept it to myself and I would say, but Eddie, we need to be positive. We need to be upbeat. We can't let our listeners wallow in self pity. We need, so what did we do? We got to three, three good things in your life. Your wife's car turned over. You have two dogs who chase squirrels and you're performing at the comedy store. Okay, maybe, but we'll get to five. I say unto you, Eddie, it's so bad out there in this country, in America. It is so bad. It is so bad. Why are you saying that? Is this just personal, you know, personal experience or are you reading and watching particular news reports? I have been, I am telling people things are bad and they're saying to me, you're letting your demons get ahold of you. You have entered, I don't have inner demons. It sucks. How can life be good when 80% of us are terrified when you have this, you know, president and people go, but he doesn't affect, he does, the whole mood of the country is shaped by what's happening in Washington DC. You can turn off the news and not pay attention, but it filters down because it's filtering up. Trump is there because it filtered up. It's not filtering down. We ended up with Trump because the disease filtered up and put him into office and everybody is miserable and it's a lie. The whole country is a lie. Everybody's life in America is a lie. Well, you know what my guru is, it's Chris Hagell, that he puts it, the way he puts the lie is that people retreat, they retreat into fantasy when their reality is too difficult to deal with. And I think that is the lie you're talking about. People are pretending that things are fine, you know what I mean? I'm really way too into my dog's chasing squirrels, for instance. And you love squirrels, didn't she like almost beat a guy up because he was throwing rocks at squirrels? Yeah, I mean, I am a squirrel protector which is similar to a water protector except it's squirrels and not water and there's a few of us in the park who protect squirrels. Now, where are you now? I'm in North Hollywood. No, I'm saying where are you? I hear like a plate or what do I hear in the background? Wow, that was one of your, that's one of your superpowers is hearing a spoon hit a porcelain bowl, my wife's eating cereal across from me. Oh, I see. All right, let's go over something. Very good, very good, very good hearing. Let's go over. Yeah, everything is bad. Trump is a manifestation. By the way, Trump didn't come from, no, Trump didn't come out of the blue. Trump came as a progression. And I don't know if we've talked about this, but I don't think you completely agree with me. Trump is a progression of the corporate coup d'etat that has happened in this country and the Democrats. And I think me and you have had a little bit of disagreement on this. The Democrats, the corporate Democrats, I call them and Hedges call them, they sold this out. The Democratic Party sold this out. And since the Democratic Party stopped representing the working man and woman and the middle class, you got Trump because the quote unquote, the pluribals were taken in by his hucksterism because they lost faith in the Democratic Party. I don't know if you agree with me or Hedges, but that's what he says. They sold this out. I mean, everybody talks about how, you know, I mean, Obama was a very civil guy, but I think as Jimmy Dorr puts it, he was like a very nice, elegant, good-looking face on corporate war and corporate evil. And now we have the ugly face. Absolutely. I do love Obama because I have to believe in right and wrong, and they give me two options, Republican and Democrat. And I go, okay, Democrats are right, Republicans are wrong. When in fact, they're both wrong. Yeah, we need, I mean, to me, David, I mean, do you see this coming? I think, I mean, this is scary to me, but I think it needs to be done. There's gotta be massive unrest here soon when 80% of the population is in terror, don't you think? No, I don't. I think that it's a subtle terror. We police ourselves when you're terrorized. It's mostly, we do it to ourselves, we blame ourselves because we pick up the newspaper and read about the wealthy and we're obsessed with the wealthy and we buy into the lie that they deserve to be wealthy and that they're happy because they're wealthy. No, I don't think there's gonna be massive unrest because we're a police state, right? That's not a good thing that we're a police state. But why haven't the African-Americans who, you know, the African-Americans are saying to me, hey, welcome, how does it feel? Oh, yeah, yeah. And why haven't African-Americans rose up? Because of the massive military force, right? We live in a police state. If you're black, we live in a police state. If you're black in America, we live in a police state. Fact, that's a fact. That is a fact. It is a fact. If you're black, this is a police state for black men. Yeah. And because it isn't... But now it, yeah. Go ahead. No, I was just gonna say, and now, you know, people of African-Americans are telling you, welcome to their world, right? Because it's now extended to everybody in poverty. So there won't be a mass uprising. It'll be a whimper. We, it's over. Well, how will things, it's over? Yeah, the country's over, Eddie. Yeah, I kind of agree. When people say to you, how do you think it's gonna end? It's over, get up. Get up, you can leave now. There's a new show about to start, but it's over. Look who's in the White House. It's over. Yeah. Why can't, you know, the problem with America is we never admit defeat. We've never lost a war. We can't even say we lost an Iraq. We can't even say we lost. Vietnam. We lost. And guess what? Guess what, folks? Look who's president. It's over. It's over, accept defeat. It's over. Now what? Right, now what, what is, that's what I'm asking. I say, Marcel and Russ, you say no. So what happens? I'm creating an app for Americans to pick a new government. It's like, it's a Tinder app where you swipe left if you want to reject fascism, swipe left. Democratic Republic, swipe right. It's, we have to, we have to start all over again. It's over. Yes, well, so a piece, so we need like big grass roots political stuff, huh? Well, I rather hear your opinion, but I will say this. I pissed off a lot of people when I said that the end to reconstruction was the worst thing that ever happened to this country because the civil war, we defeated the South. We burnt Atlanta to the ground. And we freed the blacks and there were more black senators and congressmen representing the South than at any time in American history, especially now. But then there was this unholy deal that we made to get Rutherford B. Hayes into the White House. And the deal was, we'll give you Rutherford B. Hayes, but you have to put an end to reconstruction. So they ended reconstruction. Now reconstruction was, they explained reconstruction to me again. They take hair from the back of my head and they plant it on the top where the hair is missing and then you wait a couple of months and it grows and it's your hair. And the technology now is nobody can really tell. So that's reconstruction was rebuilding the South in our image. The same way we built Germany and Japan in our image. Germany and Japan were the victims of total war after World War II. We mowed them down. I'm not bragging, I'm not getting erect, well, semi erect, but America won, Russia won, Britain won that war. And we said to Japan, we said to Germany, say Uncle Sam, say Uncle, say Uncle Sam. And they said Uncle Sam and we stopped bombing them. And they admitted defeat. It was over. Everything they stood for was wrong. Germany, everything you valued is gone. We're rebuilding you in our image. We're God. Japan will let you keep Hirohito, but we're rebuilding you in our image. And we did and they surpassed us. They are, the American dream is alive and well in Germany and Japan because they have the values of the greatest generation. Even in Japan, I thought there, I know Germany's kind of at the forefront of the economy, right? Well, Japan, yeah. But Japan? They have a social safety net, yeah. Oh, they do. Sure, and they're going through a quote unquote recession. We should only have the type of recession they have in Japan. Well, I mean, Europe though is also right. Europe is also undergoing economic and you know, strains of fascism as well, right? Brexit, the French election. I mean, the far right is all over Europe, isn't it? Popularly. Yeah, but are they winning? I don't really think so. No. Right? No. But over here. The far right. So what's gonna be over here? What's gonna be over here? I don't know. It's a whimper. It ended with a whimper, not with a bang. Anybody who is looking at us from afar would say it's over. But there's value to it being over. If we could admit it's over, then we can rebuild. What are you saying is over, by the way, specifically? Democracy? I'm in a bad mood today. Yes, I'm saying the Republic is over. Today, I feel that. Yeah. What triggered it, the reconstructive error? I think it's like divorce. It's like a marriage. The person who wants the divorce knows that it's over. The person who doesn't want the divorce doesn't have a clue that it's over. And I think America is a 50-year-old man whose wife has decided it's over and she has this plan to get out. She has an exit strategy and the husband is completely oblivious to the plan and doesn't know that the marriage ended when Obama got elected. He thought things were getting better. Yeah. But when Obama got elected, she had a plan. Here, pay attention to this constitutional lawyer. But it was over back then. If I'm following the metaphor right, she is the corporate state. Yes, exactly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, well. Let's go over the news. I don't know. What do you think of Kelly Rippa picking Ryan Seacrest to be the co-host? I'm being serious. I'm being serious. The co-host of what? Live with Kelly. She was doing it. The sister was doing it by herself for about a year. How do you stay up on that, by the way? How do you stay up on that? Because it's important, Eddie. It's important. Ah! Do you think Ryan's... But I couldn't even do it in a... Well, I think Ryan Seacrest, not only is he beautiful bone structure-wise, you know, and I think me and you discussed that many times late in the evening, but, you know, he's charming. I'm pretty sure Ryan Seacrest chases squirrels. Mm-hmm. But feeds them. She chases them to see them. No, I don't even... I hate to tell you. I... You know, what you're talking about is funny and sad, which is that Americans distract themselves. And it's part of this, you know, the corporate state is there's never a better time. Like, everybody's talking about... The whole country, there's an, you know, there's an eco-genocide happening. There's everybody in debt, and people are talking about the great production values on Game of Thrones. Right? Yeah. The rape and pillage on Game of Thrones and the incredible, beautiful look of the show. I swear to God, people are more interested, and this is what I mean about people retreating into fantasy. Hollywood is a factory of shit. Okay, you're... There is hardly... I want to talk to you about the issues. What about... What about Ellen DeGeneres and Drew Barrymore? Do you think... Because as you know... What's going on? What, you're really up on this stuff. What are you talking about? Ellen runs a show called First States, and Drew Barrymore does the voiceovers. Drew... First States. Yeah, it's a great show on television. And Portia de la Rossi is jealous that Ellen is spending more time. What are you... What are you laughing at? Do you think Ellen's marriage is in trouble? Do you think she and Portia are going to break up? Is Drew Barrymore... I think she's playing Ellen the same way the other one did. What was her name? Who created her own language? I forgot her name. Who created her own language? Was that Eliki? Was it Eliki or Diane Fawcett? Was it Diane Fawcett? Diane Fawcett and the girl is... Oh, Anne H. Remember Anne H. Did you create a language? Oh, yeah. Didn't she have a nervous breakdown? Yeah, but... That was what she... She pretended she was a lesbian and tricked Ellen. And now Drew Barrymore is trying to break up the marriage between Ellen and Portia de la Rossi. Do you think Drew Barrymore is really a lesbian? I mean, she's been married before. Is she pulling an Anne H? Yes or no? Oh, wow. This is really difficult because, you know, this is right up there with the U.S. having the largest prison population in the world. It is. Because what you're saying, and I understand what you're saying, is that Ellen and Portia are trapped in a relationship that resembles a woman's prison. I didn't even know... I'm really glad we spoke because I didn't know that Ellen's marriage was in trouble. But now that I do, I am going to put down this Noam Chomsky book, Who Lose the Worlds, and go online and look at this marriage disintegrating. What is Ellen doing? Like, how is Ellen handling it? Who seems to be having the upper hand? I mean, that's really kind of the crux of it. Is Ellen okay? That's always my first thought. I don't know. An intending writer strike. I heard she was so good to the writers. The first time around, I hope she has a solid, you know, a solid family life going on. You don't know what's happening? I don't know. I don't know what's going on with you. You brought it up. I heard that she's been dating Ellen Page from Juno. Or that... No, I'm sorry. I think Juno... No, I don't know. I made a mistake. Drew Barrymore has been dating Ellen Page from Juno, according to my sources. I didn't know, so Drew Barrymore is bi, is that what you're saying? I don't know. It's just very confusing to me. Well, you keep calling out information and then saying I don't know. So what's going on? Is this fake news you're calling at me? What are you doing? No, I would never do that. Are you trying to get me involved in these Hollywood celebrities? What are they called? Tetta Tett. You know, the affairs of the rich and famed. Do you remember Robin Leach, by the way? You remember Robin Leach? Champagne wishes and caviar dreams. How obscene... How obscene is that scene now? With the way the country... With the way the country... Now it's like in the White House. Welcome to the White House. What? That's Mar-de-Lago. Whatever Trump has used. Welcome to the White House. There is no more visitus law. Oh, my God. Robin Leach. Where is he now? Has he taken his life? No. We try to actually hire him for something. And he wanted to do it, but it was too anti-Trump. And apparently... Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah, he wanted to do it, but then he saw that it was going to be anti-Trump. And I guess he still thinks Trump can butter his bottom. But you see, I'm old enough. The listeners don't know who Robin Leach was, but he created the show called Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. When it first came out, it was an obscenity because Reagan had just taken office and the idea of celebrating wealth in America was so alien to us. Now look at it now, where it is a complete country divided into winners and losers. Right? It's just winners and losers. And this whole thing about equating success with material wealth, it's really sick. It's really sick. And it started under Reagan. It started under Reagan. It dismantling everything. The unions, the air traffic controllers. You know, he started... And by the way, I'm a member of the Writers Guild and I'm all for the strike. What's going on? Yeah, what's going on with that? Well, what's going on is I think the Writers Guild is perfect and I love the Writers Guild. However, we're not factory workers. The people shutting down the town are the owners. The Writers Guild. That's right. The Writers... I'm not. I'm not. But the people who write television, not movies, but the people who write television, are the owners. They own the shows. So you would have... I mean, the last strike in television, you had guys like Aaron Sorkin striking against themselves. Oh, really? They own the shows. The Writers own the shows. Well, how do you strike against yourself? That obviously isn't completely true. They didn't want to spring for lawyers. They're all negotiating these massive deals for themselves. And then they use the union as a cudgel. But as in any union, the only people who benefit from a strike are the top 1%. The rank and file. The rank and file are just marching at a solidarity, but the guys who run the strike are marching because they want their piece of the pie. I say, I like the big showrunners, the big creators of TV. So what they do is it's a lot like war. They'll feed me religion. I'm fed religion and solidarity, and we're all in this together. So I'll go, okay, D-Day, I'll go... Yeah, I'll storm the beach because it's for the greater good. The guy laying back in Dover with a binoculars stands to make a billion dollars. I say, yeah. That's why. Will the world ever change? No. No. It won't. Did I depress you? No, no. I'm deep into that. Deep into depression. I now just explored depression as Lewis and Clark once explored this great land. What triggers a depression for you? Well, it's hard to say, but for me, my depression takes the form of anxiety. Are you like that? Like, I don't get real like... Well, I've got some dark. I don't know where your depression goes to, but I have had a couple of times in my life where there's that heaviness and you don't want to move. But mine sort of takes the form of being anxious. And so I try to combat that with... I have a very large... I'm quilting Alan right now, like I have a quilt and it's Alan dancing and it just says, and the bottom of it says, get up and dance and don't worry. Don't worry about, you know, the 80%. The 99%. But yeah, I get kind of anxious. I'm not sure what triggers it. I think money, status. Am I doing, you know, am I being left behind by, you know, the world? You know, I think that I think, you know, I think a big thing in today's world is you have to feel community with people because times are very tough and if you're not connected to a community, I think, you know, that isolation can be very disturbing. Right. Absolutely. Do you agree? Yeah, and I think I'm isolated and I find it depressing. Yes, it is. I'm just laughing because of it. I think I'm isolated. It's a very funny sentence. You can step back from it. Well, I can live my life under the illusion that I'm around people because, you know, I'll go out and do stand-up tonight and I'll be around lots of people tonight. Right. But I'm isolated. Yeah, it's interesting that you can be isolated. Yeah, it's interesting to be isolated within. And I think people, you know, that's part of the strategy. I don't know if it's a conscious strategy, but that's part of kind of the technological, you know, development of, you know, of the land, you know, like, the technology has isolated us, I think. You know, the computers, you know, the phones, the laptops, the TV, it kind of makes everybody a little insular and then the world seems to get, you know, you know, people believe that it's a dangerous place. They don't want to leave. They don't want to, you know, explore. You know what I mean? They don't want to go into dark alleys. Yesterday, me and my wife walked into two dogs in a dark alley and it was liberating. It was a little dangerous, but, you know, we came out to tell the tale. Were the dogs okay? Were they scared? Well, they're the ones who bring us there. We have a little dog Basil who just loves, we don't know what this is, but he loves little alleys. We think he's trying to kill us. He's so small, if you've seen Basil, he's so small and cute. Yeah, he's always like bringing a little bucket. He's always bringing us into these, like, God's forsaken places, you know. He's like Jimmy in Goodfellas saying to Lorraine Brocco, yeah, go in there. The coats are in there. Just walk in there. Yes, yes. So we've managed to escape his plot so far. We, I don't know, we think he's got, he's just got our bank account information waiting for us to approach him. Do you let Jimmy from the Goodfellas movie, do you let him lead you when you walk? Do you just let him... Yeah, we do. We do because we see the state of affairs and we know the future is bleak, so if it ends, it ends. I mean, that is one good thing about, you know, knowing that the future is boring is that, you know, you just go into more and more danger and, you know, hope that the pain will soon be ceased. It is, it must be interesting to let a dog, in all seriousness, let the sense, because they're following a scent, right? That's right. They're following a scent, yeah. And do Basil and Charlotte agree on the scent that it must be followed? No, that is a difficulty, and we let Basil determine the path because Charlotte is more malleable, whereas Basil, you know, he, once he gets his mind set on something. Well, me and my wife are actually thinking about writing, I mean, we have to get to it, but with, you know, writing an animated show with Basil, we call it Hunting Bin Laden's Dog because of the way Basil walks on the street is hilarious. We think it would be so funny to film him walking, and he's just hearing from a commander. He's got a little earpiece in his ear, and it's like, Basil, Basil, you must, you must go straight ahead, Bin Laden's Dog. Well, you know, from our GPS unit and aerial photography in New York, you're right. And then Basil just, like, will sit down under a tree. Basil, what are you doing? It's like, no, I'm just taking it. Right now, I just want to, I want to rest. But Bin Laden's Dog, and it's very funny. Anyway, this is how we... What kind of dog is Basil? What kind of dog is Basil? He is, we had a DNA test run on him. And he killed Nicole Simpson, and they freed OJ. He turned out to kill Nicole Simpson with a DNA test. Now, he's, what is he, honey? He's a lapso chihuahua, lapso opso in a Norwich Terrier. He's a lapsed apso. It's like a lapsed Catholic. You know, that is a funny thing, by the way, when I'm working out. And my trainer has no clue that we are, you know, he's one of these guys who says, all you have to do is think positively about life. And I point out that the oceans are rising, and he goes, don't, you have to think positively. And I point out that 80% of people are in terror in debt. And he says, you have to think positively. You have to see a golden ball of light. And I then point out that we have the largest prison population in the world in that, you know, we live in a police state. And, you know, what has happened to the African American that happened to a white middle class and low white middle class people. And he says, please think positively and let, you know, so it's a weird relationship I have with the guard. Think of it as positive. We're number one in anal rape. Right. We work people behind bars. We're the leading country when it comes to anal rape. Here's the thing. I know you have to go. I know you have to go. Yeah. And do you carry the escape hammer? Remember when, for your birthday, when you turned 40, I bought you an emergency blanket and an escape hammer. Do you carry the escape hammer with you at all times? It'll break any type of window or glass. Well, have you thought about that? You know, well, you don't think there's going to be unrest. I don't think it'll just be a general rounding up, quietly rounding up. No. I think we've already been rounded up. Yeah. I think we're our own prisoners. You're right. My dinner with Andre. Did you ever see my dinner with Andre? I did. And that's, he says we're the jailers and the warden. Yes. And I think that's pretty much the way. Yeah. I am the, I am the my dinner with Andre action figures. By the way, that is my joke. I did. Christopher Guest's waiting for Guffman at the end. They did. They did all this really funny, like little one-off thing. My dinner with Andre action figures were hilarious. My dinner with Andre ruined me because it came out, I think, like in the mid to early 80s. And I thought, yeah, this is what a movie should be. Just two guys talking. But I loved it. Me too. I loved it. Like you, we both love, which, you know, the Buddha say is not great. We both love to like engage our minds and like chew on philosophical questions. Whereas the Buddha and the religious people, the spiritual people say, we have to, we have to divorce ourselves from mind and ego. Let that go. And, you know, kind of being taken into the womb. Maybe that's what my trainer means. Just let go of all this talk about how horrible, maybe this is how we'll, we'll find this up today instead of, you know, talking about, you know, the outer reality of, you know, the country, you know, having, as you put it, we've lost already. Maybe our inner reality can be different even if we're, you know, doing well out of wives. What do you think of that? I think that's true. And I think the lesson that I'm taking away from this conversation is we are communal animals. We need to be around other living things. And I find listening to you that the danger of people being around people, this addiction to people is very isolating. That the more time I spend, you know, when I'm face down and another human being, it's taking me away from what's really important in life. So I need to do a detox, a human detox and stop being around people because that's the real poison. More time on the phone. More time dealing with you. I don't know. I don't know if you're getting the lesson right, but... I love you, Eddie. I miss you. I love you too, buddy. What are you coming to New York? I don't know. I don't have anything booked in New York. Hey, we did a live show. We did a live taping of the podcast last week. Oh, you did? Would you have on it? We had Sean Donnelly, Angela Cobb and Pat Dixon. We did it at a QED. QED? Oh, in Queens? Yes. And we didn't do it old school, Eddie. Remember, because you were the reason I first started doing live podcasts. Was it the live one I did in the apartment there? No. It was kind of like that. It was just me talking to people. But if you ever come back, I miss those big production numbers that we used to do. Oh. Oh, yeah. I can't believe... I can't believe that was the genesis of your podcast with you writing and Rosenthal Steve Rosenthal. I don't know where he is. Do you know where Rosenthal is? I don't know. And Jim Merle, those were some of the funniest things. And you know what? They're just sitting on the website. People can find them. They're just... Oh, man. They weren't saying... But you just have to... They weren't saying... They were so... Let's... Before you go, tell me about Gary Shapiro. Yeah. Wasn't he... Oh. Yeah, sweetheart of a guy. Very funny. And, um, uh, died suddenly a couple days ago. Yeah. Just kind of a shocking thing. Um, what were your... What were your memories? He was a perfect human being. He was a rabbi. Yeah. He was a comedian. A songwriter. Yeah. A songwriter. A comedy writer. And a musician. There wasn't anybody on the planet who had a bad word to say about Gary Shapiro. Yeah, it's very true. Except you and me. Except you and me. You and I. You and I. Yeah, well, I have issues with everyone. No, he was... Um, by the way... Oh. Yeah. He was a sweetheart, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right. By the way, what? Also, we lost... Yeah. Yeah. And I know you're a fan of him, right? I love Don Rickles. I love Don Rickles. I mean, he lived a nice, long life, though. We just... You know, me and Karen went and saw... We saw Bob Newhart in the Lameran Theater. We had to go south on the 5 to see Bob Newhart. And I thought he was going to look terrible or just be kind of wheeled out. And the guy looks great and was sharp as a tack. I think he's 90. Good. Amazing. Good. That's what he said, though. Yeah. All right, everybody. I love you, buddy. Eddie Pepitone. We got to do this more often. Yep. All right, Dave. Give my love to Karen. Give my love to Charlotte, but not Basil. Okay. Bye. Bye. Time, once again, for Tuesdays with Corey. Professor Corey Brett Schneider teaches constitutional law at Brown. And I've somehow convinced him to come on this show once a week to give me a $5 million legal education. That's how expensive a law education has gotten. It has doubled since the last time the professor has been on my show. That's a special price for you, $5 million. My mother says I'm disrespectful to you. She listens and she says, you need to call him Pontiff, not Corey, not Professor. She said, any man with your credentials and patience should be the pope. Today, we're going to talk about libel laws and President Trump and the Constitution, your brief, your friend of the court brief on the travel ban opposing it. First up, Ryan Seacrest has been named Kelly Ripa's co-host on Monday. What are your thoughts, professors? Is this good for the Constitution of Ryan Seacrest? Is he doing too much? I just love that you begin with the most important pressing issues of the day. And I have three points about this. The First Amendment, is there ever an overabundance of speech with Ryan Seacrest? The guy has a radio show, TV shows, that is going to be on Kelly. Is there any way to protect the American people from too much of one person speaking? Well, I don't know. I guess the thing that the First Amendment protects the most is viewpoint. And so I don't know if what he's saying is enough to qualify as a viewpoint. So that might be our first question, but I really listened to him so little. I thought it might be three seconds at the most. I could not give an informed opinion. Hey, Ann Coulter. I wanted to clarify something. We found out that Ann Coulter's speech was charging $20,000 to speak at Berkeley. And it was being paid for by Young Americans for Freedom and Bridge USA. Outside groups coughing up the money. Is that still a First Amendment issue? That's interesting. I mean, I think it is because it was still an invitation by... Well, I'd have to think about it. But the fact that it was money that was being funded to a Berkeley group, I think that would be enough to say that the state is involved, that there was state action. And the retraction, I guess, now that I think about it of the invitation, if it came from Berkeley rather than from that group, then that's enough for the state action. I mean, the institution was involved and I think that makes it a First Amendment case. I hate to give Ann Coulter more time than she deserves. Here's the issue though. Let's turn it into a hypothetical. You have a state university. There is a group, let's just say Young Americans for Freedom. It's a right-wing Republican organization on campus. And they invite Ann Coulter and they're paying her through outside sources. According to the First Amendment, it's a First Amendment issue because it's state funding suppressing speech. Yeah, the question, I mean, Berkeley gets all sorts of money in donations from private institutions, I think. I mean, some of the money is public and then I know they do fundraising or they have a nonprofit arm. But the question in the case would be whether or not there was a government actor involved in the decision to revoke the invitation. And I think here, regardless of where the money is coming from, the institution Berkeley did get involved in that question. So that likely, I mean, we'd have to see more about the details, but would be enough. And I think too, it's important, you know, I think I explained this last time that the worry is about suppressing private individual speech. So if there was a restriction on the ability of a private student group to invite her to campus, the worry is that the government, Berkeley, is intervening in the private individuals or private groups' ability to hear somebody or to invite them. And that's where the real First Amendment worry comes. If it was a commencement, will Ann Coulter receive an award or not or something officially conferred by Berkeley? You might be able to argue that this is Berkeley conferring an honor or the university speaking would be a way to put it in the technical terms of the university of the First Amendment. And when the university is speaking or when the state is speaking, it does have the ability to pick and choose who to invite or who not to invite because the idea is that the university or the state is trying to express its own values. But this doesn't look like that kind of case. It looks like it was a private group within Berkeley or student group. And the government does not have the ability to suppress the ideas or the invitations or the expression of private individuals or including students. Let me, if you don't mind, I want to push back on this a little bit because obviously without the First Amendment, I'd be nothing. Well, I am nothing, but I'd be even more of nothing. You are something. Thank you. College campuses, if I fire a teacher on the Chancellor of Berkeley, it's a state school. Right. And I'm also the president of Harvard, which is not a state school, but it does receive federal funding. Same scenario, Berkeley, Harvard, one's a state school, one's supposedly a private college. There is a professor who is teaching climate change denial. At Berkeley, I fire him. And I say, you are teaching something that's inaccurate. Can he challenge me and say I'm violating his First Amendment rights? In the Harvard case, you mean? Well, Berkeley. Let's start. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, teacher firing is a different sort of case than student or private speech because they're an employee of the university as opposed to somebody who's just attending. But yes, there are protections, certainly, that are afforded university professors. And although it's a different kind of case, because Berkeley is a state institution, the First Amendment applies, and you could bring a First Amendment action. In a private university, as you said, the structure is different. Now, there are other protections for tenure. For instance, there are contractual protections that come with tenure in other areas of law that might protect your free speech depending on the university. The university might have promised you, basically, free speech rights with tenure. So free speech has a lot of different ways to defend it legally. But in the public institution case, the Constitution applies directly. So the First Amendment might be your best option. And so at Harvard, the same thing stands, you can fire a professor or a teacher because you believe it's... you're free to fire somebody for teaching the wrong things. Well, thankfully, private universities and the AUP, the organization of professors, have lobbied for protections generally for professors. Part of it is that there's a norm of free expression and free inquiry that comes from the profession of being a professor. It doesn't make sense to have a university if there isn't free speech and free thought in academic inquiry. And that also, I think, includes the ability to go beyond that if you're a university professor. Now, there are different ways to get that protection legally, but one might come with the contractual obligations of the university when it comes to tenure. But it's not... We're not in the realm of the First Amendment anymore in the same way that we are in the case of a public institution. But thankfully, there are rights of professors against universities legally as well and private institutions. It's just a different area of law. And it's a good thing. I mean, you can't have a university, in my opinion, without having free thought and the ability of a professor to honestly say what their research demands they say and where their inquiry leads them. Is a state university allowed to ban somebody from the premises? Is the chancellor allowed to say, I do not want this person on campus because they're not a student and they do not reflect the values of this university. So I am banning and culting from stepping foot inside or on the property of Berkeley. I think they do do that. I mean, if certainly from the dorms or from the buildings or part of the campus is private, the university, I think, has the ability to control who's there and who's not for the purposes of doing the business of the university. The worry here is that, you know, this isn't just that they were worried that she was gonna rob somebody. The worry was that she was disinvited because of the content or the viewpoint of what she says. And, you know, it is complicated because they were worried about security and so we'd have to see whether or not it was impossible to have her on campus only because of the security concern. But, you know, what's worrying to me about the case is that if she was banned, no matter how vile her views are, I have the ability and a student has the ability to hear them and if the government, in this case the institution of Berkeley was preventing her from coming on campus because of her viewpoint, if that's what the inquiry revealed, then that would be a very serious violation of the First Amendment. I hate what Ann Coulter says. I hate the content of her views and I think she's deeply wrong, but she has First Amendment rights just like everyone in this country. She has First Amendment rights, so is it fair to say that a fraternity invited her to speak at Berkeley? Yeah. Is that pretty much what this group is? I don't think so. I thought they were a private conservative group devoted to discussions of politics. I'm saying the organization of students at Berkeley who invited her to speak. Yeah. There, for all intents and purposes, a club on campus, right? Correct. And are there official clubs at a university? Do you have to apply to be officially sanctioned by the university or can anybody set up a club? I don't know the details of this club, but there are clubs that are often received funds from a university, from a student group, and a lot of First Amendment cases involve issues around that. A group seeks to become an official club and is denied. But I really don't know the details of this one. Right. I'm talking about a hypothetical case. So if, let's say, the school newspaper, the official school newspaper at Berkeley, they invite Ann Coulter to speak. Actually, that's a bad example because that opens up a whole other can of worms. But I guess the point I'm making is, or the question I'm asking is, let's say there's a rugby team, and they invite a stripper to their fraternity to strip. And I'm the chancellor, and I say, no, you can't hire a stripper. Is that protected by First Amendment rights? There's money, they're giving you money, that's freedom of speech now. There is a difference in the First Amendment between expressing a political view or an opinion, the technical term that the court uses is a viewpoint, and certain kinds of content and restrictions on viewpoints tend to be disallowed. Restrictions on obscenity in particular, and that case seems to certainly be in the realm of obscenity, are often more tolerated. So I think there might be a case for the group that wants to invite exotic dancers to campus or something, but it's weaker than it is in this case. I mean, this is really about, if it turns out that the worry about Coulter was her views, that's worrying because the whole idea of the... I mean, go back to the core idea of why we have this protection in the first place. It's that we want to allow for the protection of all opinions to be able to say them, to hear them, to have the free inquiry that is necessary in a democracy, and that's why it's not just a sort of random amendment. The idea is that without being able to hear all viewpoints and argue and say what you want, including the ability to criticize the government, to criticize the Constitution on all sides, then we don't live in a democracy anymore. So that's why the rule is so strong in protection of censorship against viewpoints. Yeah, you know more about... This isn't false humility, Professor, but you know more about the Constitution than I do. I know it's hard to believe. Men's... Men's Ray... And you know more about the comedy world than the radio. Why is it called Men's Ray? What does Men's Ray mean? Men's Ray is usually in the criminal context, the mental state that's involved in a crime, or it's just a term for mental state. If we kind of know that this wasn't about Ann Coulter speaking, the same way Milo Yappinapolis, the Breitbart editor who spoke, or tried to speak at Berkeley, this isn't about freedom of speech. It is about freedom of speech, but the people who hired them to go to Berkeley were screaming fire in a crowded movie theater, right? I don't know. You know, there is a security concern, and certainly there was violence when... around some of these incidents. But I think that we have to... You know, the whole idea of university is that we allow free inquiry. And if it's possible to provide security and also to have controversial speakers on campus, then Berkeley I think is obligated to do that. And they have a security challenge that they have to figure out. But it's not acceptable to say that we're not going to have very conservative, even fascist speakers have the right of free speech, because it's too dangerous. I think that would really give up on the idea that, as I said, isn't just central to the First Amendment, but central to the idea of democracy. And even if private universities aren't bound by the First Amendment, I think the very idea of a university requires that kind of free inquiry and that they also have to figure out how to meet those security concerns. We can't just give up on the idea that you have the right to say what you want and to hear everything, because there are challenges of security that those are going to arise in a tumultuous time. But those are the times when it's most important that we protect all viewpoints. Let me get back to free inquiry. It wasn't free inquiry. She was charging $20,000. And it was being paid for by outside sources who were trying to prove a point about the politically correct movement. They picked Berkeley as their beach head. As I remember, high school, in order to have a club, you needed a faculty advisor. Right. To reflect the values of the institution and justify the purpose. As I see the Ann Coulter case at Berkeley, these were just a bunch of kids without, I believe, without a professor behind them, without a Berkeley representative, just a bunch of fish out of water at Berkeley. They decide to be conservatives. And they, instead of studying, they decide to let guys like David Horowitz or Young American for Freedom pay Ann Coulter to show up on campus. It has nothing to do with free inquiry. And it's not the university. There's no professors, just a bunch of kids. Yeah. We talked about this last time. I think part of the idea of the university is to allow students the freedom to have access to information and to ideas. Now Berkeley, I'm sure, like all universities, has a process of applying for speakers or applying for speaker funds or applying for permits. And if you could show in a way that had nothing to do with their opinions that they were violating those rules, that would be one thing. But I haven't heard that in this case. I think what they're worried about, and they would have a serious claim that they're being limited in their ability to do what any other kid on campus could do because of the content of their views. And as I said, even though I deeply disagree with them, I think they've got a right to hear whatever they want without censorship. That doesn't mean that they can violate the rules of how you invite speakers. But what the university is restricted from doing is saying, you can have your speaker because of the viewpoint that she has or that you have. Now, again, too, I see your point. I don't like what Ann Coulter says one bit. I think she's way off, not just conservative, but she says things that fundamentally disrespect the idea that we're equals under law regardless of race. Her attacks on birthright citizenship, I think, go beyond the pale of reasonable inquiry. But there are ways to express that short of saying you can't speak. I think you can bring her to campus and have the university, even if it's an official voice, have other speakers criticize, condemn her, or you can have protests on campus. As I think I said last time, if Ann Coulter would have come to Brown, I wouldn't impose her invite. She would have a right to speak if a student group went through the process of inviting her. But I wouldn't go in to listen to her. I would hope that the university president would do the same and that we would make a statement as part of the Brown community defending her right to be there, but also to criticize her. As a consumer, as a consumer, you send your child off to college. Yeah. Why are the children in charge? I mean, you know, we're not just selling some ready-made thing that you can buy, and we give you a degree at the end, but we're trying to create an atmosphere on college campuses of serious thought and to teach people to think in the end, not just to tell them what to think. And if you don't give them that actual ability to make mistakes, to hear different views, then, you know, the brand is killed. What you're buying becomes... No, no, I just... I went to see Neil Diamond. And he sings Sweet Caroline. He starts to sing Sweet Caroline. And then he points the microphone at the audience. And then we're supposed to sing Sweet Caroline. And I started screaming. Nobody could hear me. No, Neil Diamond. I paid... I paid to see you sing sweet. Everybody be quiet. I'm not interested in hearing the audience sing Sweet Caroline. You sing it. That's why I'm here. And they escorted me out. And I screamed First Amendment rights. And it was... They used the Fifth Amendment eminent domain to build the stadium where he was singing, but the case was thrown out of... Because I did feel it was government oppression of freedom of speech. I should be able to insist that Neil Diamond sing Sweet Caroline by himself without my having to hear Herb Glossman screaming it into my right ear. But the point I'm making is you go off to college. I want to hear Neil Diamond. I don't want to hear the kids. I guess, you know, one response is to pull it back to what you and I are doing. We've called this... You referred to this segment at some point as Corey teaches David. Now there could be two ways of doing it. I could talk for an hour. Not stop. You could take notes and I could see if you understood what I said. But isn't that better? Or we could go back and forth and you could say things about kids on campus and we can do what's really more of a socratic discussion. What do you learn more from? My sense is if I were to give you a grade you've gotten a lot out of this. You've seen the nuances of it. You've pushed back. You've asked great questions. You read your case last week and did that beautifully. It's the interaction that matters. Well, if you try to put that on the grand scale of the university, that's also how you learn. That's the way to do it. So Slippery Slope. I've never seen Neil Diamond. I don't think I would pay for that, honestly. He's great. I know. I may be. No, he is. Neil Diamond is great. He really is. Now we're outside my area. Slippery Slope. I'm getting tired of the Slippery Slope argument, because what it implies is that as a nation we're too stupid to understand nuance. But law, as we've just demonstrated, is all about nuance. There is nuance to the First Amendment. Correct. There's a whole other area too that I was going to bring in. It's not that you were bringing up something that's irrelevant. There's a whole set of cases that are about the right of clubs to exist or not exist on campus. It's different than, I think, the enculter inquiry, but there is a very subtle area of law. So, for instance, in California, I know a lot of your listeners, especially a radio show, are in California. There was a case involving Hastings Law School. And Hastings Law School had a club on campus, an official club called the Christian Legal Society. And the Christian Legal Society didn't allow gay students to be executive officers in the organization. They couldn't be vice president or president. And the university said that they were basically going to revoke their status as an official student group. Now, that turned out to be a very complicated case. In the end, Hastings won the case for a variety of reasons. But I guess to me, the simplest way to put what the court should have said, at least, they said something very complicated. But is that, you know, sometimes when it comes to funds and what's being supported, the university has a right to just promote its own values. Now, if Christian Legal Society had been kicked off campus or denied their free speech rights or to say what they think a good Christian lawyer is and how that relates to issues of gay rights, that would have been, I think, a blatant violation. But because the case was about official student status and about funding, I think Hastings actually did the right thing. So another way to put it is imagine that Berkeley would say, you know what, it's one thing if you want to invite Ann Coulter to campus, but we're not going to use government funds to pay for it. I think in my view, they would have been well within their rights to do that, because they'd be saying, we don't want to fund Ann Coulter. Now, there are cases to the contrary. There's a case at the University of Virginia that seems to say the opposite where a student group that had religious content in their publications was denied funds and they were able to win that on First Amendment grounds. But that's really a kind of cutting edge area of law. In this book I mentioned last time when the state speaks, what should it say? I talk about this sort of divide between the idea that sometimes the state is acting as a speaker, as a defender of its own values, and the idea that we can have viewpoint neutrality and the protection for all viewpoints in what we say. So, you know, there is nuance and you were capturing it by talking about the funding issues in a lot of ways. Let's talk about Donald Trump and libel laws. Trump has a chief of staff named Rince Priebus. He is a murderer. He's killed 14 male prostitutes. He wears a Nazi outfit. He walks through the White House in full access regalia. And he said over the weekend that his administration is looking into opening up libel laws. I just love how you make yourself the test case. You just volunteer. I did make it clear that I'm not a member of the bar and that I'm not going to be defending you, right, in any of these cases. Well, I love it, but, you know, also Rince Priebus you're doing it. Rince Priebus, who has been writing checks to the Hungarian Nazi party for 20 years wants to open up libel laws and make it easier to sue journalists and media personalities. Do you want to make it clear to listeners that you're doing a subtle thing with the facts there and that you're helping yourself to the protection of the First Amendment or right? That's what you're doing. I don't know what you're talking about. He's a bad guy maybe, but don't have evidence that he's doing it. Well, I mean, if you think calling somebody who killed 14 male prostitutes in April and then ate them if you think that's a bad guy, I mean, I think it's worse than bad, but if you think Rince Priebus, a notorious... We are in the cutting edge of the First Amendment right here. Thank God for the case I'm going to tell you about because that's your best chance at a defense against the libel lawsuit that he's going to bring. The fact that it's clearly satire and I'll add that disclaimer. What is the difference between the law? David Feldman, a comedy satire show, not a factual news inquiry. Thank you, Hussler Magazine, I believe. I think Hussler Magazine defended my right to say that. What is the difference between slander and libel? Libel, I think is... Boy, no, I'm going to have to look this up. Maybe we can cut it if I'm wrong. But libel is a written false statement, published false statement. And libel is saying a false statement with the intent to hurt somebody, to damage the reputation, right? Well, that's the issue. So, you know, you just now likely committed, well, I guess he didn't publish it in print, but slander. You made a false out about Priebus. Satire, of course. But the question that Trump and his brought up over the summer and now his staff is actively pursuing, it's a frightening thing, is the question of whether or not if we go back to a case called New York Times versus Sullivan, whether or not the Supreme Court was correct to say that when it comes to public figures and issues of public concern, that we weren't going to allow libel lawsuits to just go through if there was a little bit of falsehood or a small mistake in there. So, in particular, during the Civil Rights Movement, there was a strategy to try to bankrupt civil rights organizations on grounds that they were occasionally taking out ads that had falsehoods in them. So, in particular, I think, in New York Times versus Sullivan, there was an issue about publication of one of these ads that talked about how many times Martin Luther King had been arrested. And the claim in the libel suit that was brought against the Civil Rights Organization was that they got the number wrong. Now, technically, if you get the number wrong about the number of times that King was arrested, that's a falsehood. That's not true. And in a very strict libel regime where any libel was subject to suit, you could be sued for libel. Now, the thought of the court and this was an important thought was you don't want to allow that. You want to protect small mistakes because if anybody can be sued, they're just a small thing wrong. They're going to be afraid to speak out in public matters against public officials. And the whole idea of the First Amendment is we want more rather than less speech. So it's not that they abolish the rule of libel when it comes to public officials, but they required actual malice that you really try to hurt somebody in your falsehood. And in finding for the Civil Rights Organization, they protected and used the First Amendment to protect a wider amount of speech. Does that make sense? This is important to me. What is it, Sullivan? New York Times versus Sullivan. As I remember, as you just said, there was a Civil Rights Organization that published a full page ad in the New York Times accusing a sheriff in the south of targeting Martin Luther King the number of wrongs. It wasn't the New York Times the number of arrests. The myth about Sullivan versus the New York Times is that they were suing the New York Times for its reportage that's reporting professor of reportage. Thank you. Good word. Thank you. So they were defending the full page ad that the New York Times printed. Right. And it gave the ruling from I believe the Warren Court gave the New York Times an old journalist after that the right to be factually incorrect as long as it wasn't malicious. Right, exactly. Yes. And the idea is that it might be a different case if I wrote something about a coworker or somebody that had no public presence and published it online and said something just false about them they could probably sue me on grounds that I was negligent should have known that I was writing something that was wrong or that I was in fact wrong. But in this case the reason why it's a First Amendment case is because of the interest in allowing for even false speech if it's not intentional we're not trying to hurt somebody in order to what, to make it comfortable incentivize speaking out about public officials. How much of Sullivan versus the New York Times is the one of the backbones to Citizens United that decision? Was that cited? Because Citizens United I guess it was 2010 the Roberts Court said that money is speech because you need money to buy a full page ad in the New York Times. I see. I think it's just a different area of law. That's really an issue about whether or not private corporations can spend money from their own treasury on campaign statements. This is a separate issue whether or not you're going to be subject to laws private laws in which one person can sue another for saying a falsehood. Looking at an organization like Breitbart News which can be malicious or the National Choir although I think a lot of their stuff is accurate can you sue well you can sue the National Choir and win? Yeah, if you could show what you were doing with satire but if I say that a public official is having an affair in order to try to hurt them when I know it's not true and I'm only doing it to try to hurt them they probably can and I do this in print they could probably bring libel lawsuit against me but what this protects are these sort of more small mistakes so think about every time somebody writes something about Trump if he could find something about the number of hotels that he owns the amount of money he made on a deal and it was reported in a way that wasn't exactly 100% accurate and he could sue that would scare people. News organizations would be really reluctant to report on his finances or try to give answers about basic things to do with his presidency or his background because they'd fear of being sued by him but what New York Times versus Sullivan does is it says if you make a small mistake and you didn't intentionally try to hurt Trump but you're being honest and you're reporting or even if you were negligent but you weren't trying to hurt him we're going to protect you and the idea is what we really care about is getting the information out there so that citizens can make decisions for themselves in the democratic process is Rush Limbaugh how calculated is Ann Coulter because here's what they do they play fast and loose with the truth and they make wild accusations and then they hide behind the cloak of satire talk to me for a second about Jerry Falwell versus Larry Flint and is Rush Limbaugh I don't know you can't go in their head because they always fall back on I was joking that was a joke when they get cornered they claim to be comedians talk to me about Jerry Falwell versus Larry Flint and my right to make jokes about rinse previs even though I'm malicious I do I want people to believe that he's this way I mean I hate Donald Trump let me rephrase the question what is malicious intent I would like people to despise rinse previs I think nobody should ever hire him again I think he's a disgrace my jokes do come from malice right but you're not trying to spread the lie of whatever the nonsense that you said was in an effort to get people to really believe it you were engaging in and I hope you agree with I really don't want to see this guy come after you you were engaging in a satire am I? yes we don't have any evidence and you know that you don't have any evidence of him rocking around a Nazi uniform you imagine that and it's funny but it's you know the radio equivalent of what Larry Flint would do when he depicted in Hustler magazine in a parody the Jerry Falwell as being drunk it's not that you know he was trying to say this guy is really a drunk he was making fun of him and what the court said in a very sensible decision I believe it was unanimous in Hustler magazine versus Falwell is just following up on that idea that we're talking about with New York Times versus Sullivan that if you're engaging in a parody of public figures then you're protected from private lawsuits like a tort claim that says you were trying to inflict emotional distress something that I am serious listen I wrote on the and culture roast you're engaging in satire you're doing what Falwell did you're making fun of the person you're exaggerating facts in order to use humor but that's a very different thing going out to somebody hey you know what Jerry Falwell is really a drunk with no humor involved it's the humor in a way that protects you but your honor I'm confessing to you yeah you're trying to but thankfully I have I'm being serious I wrote on the Rob Lowe roast and culture was on that roast yeah I watched it it was unbelievable it was pure malice every joke came from from hatred I could tell it's why it's so enjoyable to watch but doesn't that run counter isn't that flying in the face of the Jerry Falwell case I could see how they would the Falwell might make that kind of argument but I think what the court saying which is sensible is that there's a difference between truly trying to get people to believe a lie and using humor because you don't like something like that or you want people to dislike them the latter is okay if I'm using these sort of cartoonish facts to mock somebody I don't want them to be reelected for instance in the sort of court case of Trump then that's fine or I don't want them to read and culture anymore or to pay her or to believe in the to give Jerry Falwell money I want to expose them as a fraud that's not worthy of respect and I use comedy or satire to do that or parody then the court's saying that's fine that's protected than trying to get somebody to believe something fake about them in fact you're trying to get them to believe something real isn't that the idea that she really is bad or that Trump really is a fraud I think that's the idea and she has to be a public figure I mean don't do this with your co-worker it's a completely different case and how do you measure a public figure I think there's no empirical test but in the case of Donald Trump I think or previous or those in the White House or in the news all the time they're sort of the paradigmatic example of public figures politicians people who were talking about and Falwell is famous enough that the court said there that he also knows a politician that he qualified as a public figure but you know somebody's never been written about in the newspaper has lived a completely private life that's an easy case on the other side looks like they're not that's why I keep saying don't try this on here with your co-workers don't do it anyway because it might not be nice but you're not going to get the first amendment protection so Donald Trump gave an interview recently where he said that the Constitution is archaic man who believes in appointing originalists right to the Supreme Court but he himself believes that the Supreme Court is archaic right the whole Constitution I think he was talking about checks and balances yeah although before the show started kind of listened to him and it's taken out of context he's blaming Senate rules I know when Obama was president we were complaining about Senate rules which you've pointed out are not the Constitution there are some parts of the Constitution that are archaic you teach constitutional law what if President Obama or Hillary Clinton said the Constitution is archaic it was written more than 200 years ago it's slowing progress down we need a constitutional convention we have to rewrite the Constitution would you support that well a lot of people are saying that and we're saying it before Trump was elected I guess my view is that I have never had more faith in the Constitution than I have in the last certainly days but really since Trump began to run there's a classic defense of checks and balances and strong role of judicial review in the Supreme Court that it's a defense and a bulwark against tyranny now a lot of people I think before Trump was elected said you know what that's really a silly argument we have a good constitutional culture in the polity we're not going to elect a demagogue to the highest office in the land and the idea that we need this degree of protection is a mistake and this is getting in the way as you said of progress and I just don't believe that anymore factually it's not true we elected a demagogue who is completely opposed not just to small instances of checks and balances or Senate rules and I interpret what he was saying in that quote in a different way I think he really doesn't like the fact that the courts struck down his travel ban based on animus that they are stopping him deporting massive numbers of people by going after sanctuary cities and that he doesn't like the fact that he has to deal with Congress and passing legislation he doesn't like the system because it stopped him from just implementing his really bizarre and pernicious agenda so I am a complete believer in the Constitution now in checks and balances I think frankly it's the one thing that saved us over the last 100 days it's what's thrown him off kilter and prevented an even more radical not just right wing but I'll say it I believe it authoritarian autocratic agenda from taking place we stopped him because of the Constitution so I'm not surprised he doesn't like it do you have Trump fatigue no I'm getting more energy every day watching him lose I love it help me because listening to this show know that I have Trump fatigue that I've been inviting a lot of comedians on the show and right it's your eyes don't glaze over don't you get tired of being lied to and addressing stupidity I think we're being tested on a daily basis and that all the stuff that I was just talking about which used to be weird you know you learn it in politics 101 or in con law and in people's eyes glaze over because who cares that every day that he lies that he tries to you know deport people or to attack the as he puts it the open up the libel laws that these are it's a test for the Constitution and for people around the country to stand up to a potential tyrant now you know a lot of people think oh we were overreacting what's the big deal the system is working but it's working because people are standing up to him so I feel invigorated and I think it's you know people will look back on this and he's not going to win his agenda won't be implemented but it's because we're we're not going to get tired and we're going to keep challenging all right help me out here perfect I'm being yeah I'm being really serious about this me too my question is where's my juice the problem that I have had since Trump got elected is I cling to the New York Times of the Washington Post and they're fighting the big fight they're fighting the rational disc you know they're being rational and they're waiting they're holding their fire till they gather up all the ammo and then boom Bill O'Reilly is gone and it was it was masterful what they did right a month ago they wrote this article and next thing you know Bill O'Reilly is gone so they're very circumspect because they're in the crosshairs where's the juice where's the thing that gets your your heart beating every morning I just looked at the Palmer report which is covering Russia and kind of like a Walter Winshal type of left-wing view of the Trump Administration where do you go for your juice not your rational discourse just the juice I mean I'd say that just reading everyday news reports of what he's doing it doesn't come from a particular publication it comes from seeing people fight back so take this way of defeating his executive order about sanctuary cities I mean these were local officials that stood up to him and used the conservative federalist society precedence when I say federalist society I mean a lot of the members of the conservative bar argued for states rights and for limits when it came to the spending clause and now that series of precedence is being used by local officials to stand up to Donald Trump that just reading that news story in any one source is evidence that the Constitution is working that there are judges implementing it same with the travel ban same with Congress at least members of Congress torpedoing his attempt to disable Obamacare so I mean I'm just everyday any news story that's about him losing gives me energy okay before you go I want to talk to you about your friend of the court brief on the travel ban which I didn't read I didn't do my assignment I want to ask you for an assignment but before I ask you for an assignment and we talk about the assignment I didn't complete I want to talk to you about the process of completing assignments there's this I'm being this is very important to me there was this great piece in the New York Times about six months ago that apologized the Obama Camelot I have a feeling Michelle Obama was behind this piece in the New York Times much the same way that Jackie Kennedy was behind the notion of Camelot after Jack died it's the seven omens it's President Obama sitting in the treaty room of the White House he puts the kids to bed he's a constitutional law professor and from eight till two in the morning every day he every night he would sit and read with ESPN going in the background but he would spend about six hours a day in the treaty room of the White House with the yellow legal canary reading and they would bring him eight omens friends of mine we called it the eight omens story what is your measurement for reading do you view reading as an indulgence or a necessity and how can my listeners the hell with my listeners how can I say to myself each day reading is a necessity I have to carve this time out I don't know that I have a special technique I mean I'm trying to write a lot these days so I'm kind of religious about usually when I'm not talking to you in the morning writing in the morning and I think when I've got things that I'm writing that I absolutely need to get more information about I'll use that time too to sometimes I'll just replace it with reading for two or three hours but yeah I think clear blocks of time and making it a priority if it's something that you really want to know about you know I don't think just reading around always is the most focused thing but I think having a question that you want answered and then reading around that question this is very important to me for my new listeners we're always gathering up new listeners we had for example we had Mr. Methane on the show last week he's a flatulent artist out of Great Britain and in the tradition of LePetamane and so we have a lot of his fans now listening to the show so they may not know that you have a a masters in philosophy from Cambridge where I think Mr. Methane I think Mr. Methane might have walked by Cambridge because he's from Great Britain is it Cambridge where you got your masters in philosophy? Yes and you have a PhD in political science from Princeton I think Mr. Methane has heard of Princeton and and then you have a law degree from Stanford Mr. Methane has never been to California but so I forgot the question no so you're enjoying that contrast by the way Mr. I never if you heard the interview and I suggest you I never allowed him to perform I interviewed him for about 40 minutes and we just talked about the craft and his instrument and how he did and do you know that I have a lawsuit it's not Methane by the way but that's not none of your business that's not fair to you but the point I'm making is you are very well educated do you view reading as your job by the way this is my job my job is to read and if somebody distracts me you're making it impossible for me to do what I'm supposed to be doing yeah I mean to the extent that I need it for issues especially that I'm working on I try to read a lot about things I'm writing about and you know that requires a lot of research and I like to go deep into the facts and if it's a legal issue to really know not just the specific on point case law but things that are related to it and scholarship so yeah it's you know it's a big part of what I'm doing when you were I don't know was there an internet when you started law school it had early internet but yeah there was an internet it was not as developed as it is now certainly are you reading case law are you reading on the internet or are you reading actual books no I'm reading on the internet I mean I was right at the edge of when you would kind of go into the library and I still remember actually our first year we did learn about that system well they had Lexis Nexus yeah but they already had Lexis Nexus are you distracted are you able to immerse yourself when you're reading on a tablet are you distracted and looking up other things and hitting hyperlinks or can you stay focused or do you go down rabbit holes yeah I mean it depends if I'm working I try to I think I am pretty focused and because I'm trying to get some information and so I'm able to read in a different way but if it's the afternoon and I'm just reading a newspaper or looking at something online I find it distracting but you know I still get the paper the hard copy of the paper so that's one way to focus is there are no hyperlinks right right you know I think that's a good thing I'm all for the existence of hard copies of the newspaper that you could sit with your coffee and go and sit outside and really just read it thoroughly yeah okay thank you for your time before you go I want to ask about the amicus yeah sure is it amicus curate yeah that means friend of the court friend of the court yeah you wrote one on the travel ban where are we I did it with a lawyer Joshua Matz and two friends and colleagues Nelson Tebe from Brooklyn Law School and Micah Schwarzman from the University of Virginia and the four of us together wrote a brief that the court will hopefully read the courts will hopefully read in the Ninth Circuit and Fourth Circuits about why it is that Trump's own statements about the travel ban and his own claims during the campaign and since that this is about a shutdown of Muslim immigration as well as statements by people like Rudy Giuliani saying that Trump had this Muslim ban and he asked him to make it legal that those all go to what we think is the central issue in the case and that's the issue in Lukumi that you can't have law that's based on that you can't try to discriminate against people based on their religion and if that's your motivation for a law even if there were other ways perhaps to craft it that would make it legal that that makes it unconstitutional so we're really pulling out that's why we spent so much time last week and you did it in such depth and with such grace looking at that case about animus because we think it's the same issue in this one as well so we have more than 45 law professors from around the country who have signed on to it from different walks of life including real superstars of constitutional law like Lawrence Tribe and Jeffrey Stone and they're all agreeing with us that this is really the basis of why the travel ban is unconstitutional that it's based on unconstitutional motivation of animus great give us an assignment you know I thought especially given our discussion today maybe we could read this very complicated but interesting case called the you seem to like it the more difficult it is and the more you can get into it and I think talking about the nuance of the First Amendment and free speech this Christian legal society case might be great for listeners so let's make the assignment Christian legal society versus Martinez a case about official student status of student group at Hastings law school great Martinez and how do we find that case the last time I told people that they could just google the name of the case Christian legal society versus Martinez and Cornell and it'll come up on that public site you could also use a public site called Oyes O Y E Z where you can actually listen to the oral arguments if you really want extra credit and I'd say one of those two two sites and I apologize to my listeners because I said if you contact me if you read I will send you a gift and I've been behind on the emails and I want to apologize to my listeners I got several emails people who read it great yeah you know what I wasn't surprised there's a nice flow to this show and we have our vegetables at the end yeah and it's I'm very satisfied with my listeners especially to the ones who are listening right now Professor Corey Brett Schneider teaches constitutional law at Brown thank you Pontiff did you learn anything from me reportage let's just make sure you reportage means reporting yes very good thank your mother too I'm a huge fan of hers thank you Pontiff love that she's talking me up thank you Pope Corey Brett Schneider let's do next Tuesday how did your show go by the way your live show people came out we did it at QED and we didn't sell it out it was 7.30 on a Saturday night we really really plugged it through Facebook and the show and we have listeners all over the world I was surprised by the number of people who showed up I have to say that it is the greatest feeling in the world to meet the listeners and it's bizarre it's not like stand up people who devote a huge chunk of their time listening to this and I thank them for that and I won't waste their time you know we just did an hour and I wanted it to be a half hour because I don't want to waste your time and my mother says don't waste the Pope's time I can't waste people's time and I definitely sense that people who came to the show were grateful that I don't waste their time but now I'm wasting their time thanking them for appreciating my time I'm from Queens and I love the idea that you're out in my home Are you from Queens? Yeah, absolutely Antonin Scalia Country Is that where he's from too? Yeah, good place and different folks come from there I guess but it sounded great I saw a few of your mentions and a few of the comics who were there and looked like a terrific show Well we want to do more live shows I want to do a live show once a week and I'd like to put you together I'd like to be on a panel together with Mrs. Methane Yeah I do remember just for the record that there was flatulence at Cambridge University Princeton University and Stanford Law School all people in all three locations had flatulence Yeah, the blow hearts the teaching Well great, thank you professor We're going to stop please stay on the line for one second Good Today's show is brought to you by Medicare for All Ask your doctor if Medicare for All is right for you Special thanks to Professor Corey Bretschneider Eddie Pepitone, Colleen Worthman and Liam McEnany Please friend me on Facebook Follow me on Twitter Please go to the David Feldman Show website We have new premium content up there for $5 a month You can gain access to all our premium content We accept all major credit cards Go to DavidFeldmanShow.com Hit the Go Premium banner and we take all major credit cards for as little as $5 a month You can support this important show which keeps getting more and more important From the show Briss Studios in downtown Manhattan that'll do it for us Cody, partner What's up Basement Master Raiders I'm Colleen Worthman You're listening to the David Feldman Show Yo, yo, yo You're listening to the hottest show on podcast I'm Liam McEnany It's David Feldman Show Right now!