 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man, and I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time, and here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages of Fuck the Comic Weekly, straight into your living room, your friend the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Well, little Miss Honey, how are you today? Oh, I'm just fine, thank you, how are you? Oh, I'm just fine too. You know something interesting? I'm not sure that I do. Well, I do, me. It did? Yes. That is amazing. But I know something else that's kind of strange too. Why? Well, today on the page which has Believe it or Not by Ripley, there's an interesting fact. About a canary? No, it's about a swallow and a butterfly. Tell me about it. Well, a man named David Thompson says he saw a butterfly that chased a swallow away. And you know a swallow is a much larger bird than a canary, and it's a much, much bigger thing than a butterfly. Yeah. I thought you would be. Well, you look at Believe it or Not by Ripley and see it for yourself. I am seeing. Yes, he does, doesn't he? And there's lots more interesting things I'd like to find out about, no funny. Fuck the comic weekly? Yeah. Very well, I'll read them in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Now, here we go with Fuck the Comic Weekly. And on the first page, under bringing up father, Beatle Bailey. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Toot me a toot and tweet me a tweet. Squeeze out music for Bailey the Beatle. It's a rainy day at the Army Post where Beatle finds most of his troubles. Beatle and a squad of men are busy cleaning up the grounds in a steady downpour of rain. Beatle's sergeant exclaims, Oh, what a headache. Hey, Beatle, run over to the dispensary and get me an aspirin. Yes, sir. Beatle trudges over to the dispensary, the place where you can get aspirin tablets. He sees a sign tacked on the door, closed after 3 p.m. All cases will be treated at the hospital. Oh, rats. The hospital is three miles from here. Third picture, Beatle now soaking wet from the rain, approaches the hospital. Darn, I'm getting a blister on my foot. Last picture, Beatle enters the hospital and approaches the desk. A man carrying a stretcher knocks Beatle in the head with it. Ow! Oops, I'm sorry, Mac. Beatle stands groggily by the desk. But before he can ask for the aspirin, the girl there tells him, Take that seat by the door and wait your turn. Beatle goes over to the seat by the door, which is next to an open window. People come in and people go out. And every time the door is opened, the wind blows through, creating a draft. And Beatle, who is soaking wet, gets chilled and begins to sneeze. It's you! By now, Beatle is feeling pretty rotten. He's worn out from the three mile walk in the rain, his headaches from the hit in the head, and he's awfully cold from sitting in the draft. He leans back and puts his hand on the window sill to study himself. Oh! The receptionist hears Beatle's groan and seeing him shivering comes over to him. Uh, I better close this window. And she slams the window down on Beatle's hand. Just a minute, I'll open it so you can get your hand out. And she opens the window. And Beatle bends over holding his aching hand. Just then the door behind him opens, knocking Beatle out of the window. And last picture, Beatle is in the hospital again, this time in bed. His leg is bandaged, hung on a stretcher, his hand is bandaged, and he's thoroughly sick. And the nurse is saying to the doctor, he said he just needed an aspirin. And the doctor replies, brave lad, won't admit how bad off he is. Double, just to get an aspirin tablet. Yes, and now he's lying in the hospital all bandaged up. He really gets into trouble, doesn't he? Yes. Well, now what would you like to read next? Oh, I meant to read Peter Pan, because... Oh, yes, yes. Well, let's turn over the page then. Go past Little Iodine. Oh, and look, here on page three is Prince Val. And you remember last week, Little Arne, who had been lost, was found by a woodcutter who lived in the forest. Yes, does he take Little Prince Arne home again? Yes, he starts taking Little Arne home, and Sir Gawain, who was looking for Little Arne, meets them. Little Arne onto his horse, and rides back to the castle to his father and mother. Oh, I'm glad he's home safe and sound. Yes, he is. Well, now let's turn over the page. And look, here on page five, Peter Pan. Oh, yes, Peter Pan. That cute little strange land called Neverland. Yes, Neverland where little boys and girls never grow up. They just stay little boys and girls so they can keep playing all the time. Today, John and Michael and all the other boys in Neverland are away searching for the Indians. I wonder if they signed them. Well, let's read and find out right now. Here we go with Peter Pan. Say the magic words with me. Pirates, crocodiles, Peter Pan, Whisk up music for Never Neverland. While Peter Pan and Wendy visit Mermaid Lagoon, John leads the lost boys in a search for the Indians of Neverland. Away they march, following John, their leader. We're here to find them. Suddenly, last picture top row in a little grove of fir trees, John stops. Hey, what is it? What is it, huh? What is it, huh? Well, look. And John points at the ground with his umbrella. Hey, four steps. Yes, Indian footsteps. Hey, what do you know about that Indian footsteps? Yeah, Indian footsteps. Hey, look at that. What's your Indian footsteps? First picture bottom row, John says, gentlemen, we must plan our strategy. The initial phase is an encircling maneuver. And as John explains this plan of attack on the Indians, little Michael is the only one who sees the fir trees now, then we simply surround them and take them by surprise. Little Michael sees the fir trees moving closer and closer around the boys. He exclaims, hey, John, John! But it's too late, hands reach out from the fir trees and the boys are captured by the Indians. Me, got them. And John's plan for a surprise attack on the Indians turns out to be a real surprise on the boys. And last picture, the little hunters, now prisoners, are hauled toward the Indian camp. No, he was so busy keeping his eyes on the ground, looking at the footsteps that when he looked up, it was too late. Well, that's something we'll have to find out next week. Now, let's turn over the page and see who's there. And we'll read your favorite favorite right now. Here we go with Donald Duck, say the magic words with me. Squeegeum, squeegeum, squeegee, squeegee, let's have music to fit a quack, quack. Donald gets a phone call from his girlfriend, Daisy. Yes, hello? A few minutes later, Donald is at Daisy's house taking her wash off the clothesline as a clap of thunder and then it begins to rain. Uh-oh. Donald sweeps the last piece of clothing off the line, tosses it into a basket, picks up the basket. I'll just make it to my plate. And he dashes for his house. He doesn't see a telephone pole which is running his way. That last picture top row, Donald picks himself up, starts tossing the scattered clothes back in the basket as the rain pours down. And then he dashes for his house again. Second picture bottom row, he stops at his doorstep. He searches in his pockets and then he exclaims, Crap, my key, I've lost it. He hears the phone ringing, so he dashes around the house. Open the window, climbs halfway through, picks up the receiver. Hello! This picture Daisy hears. And after all the trouble he had, I don't blame him for losing his temper when Daisy called that second time. Now look across the page. There on page seven is Roy Roger. Oh, yes. Yes, you see, the outlaws wanted to kill Dolphu. But Roy rode up just in time and stopped the horses and saved Dolphu's life in a nick of time. And was riding Trigger, rode back to the outlaws, and now... Well, he's a very strange little boy. Yes, some crazy idea in mind, I think. So let's read now and find out what happens next. Here we go with Roy Roger's King of the Cowboys. Ah, yippie-yo! Now here we go with Roy and Trigger. Ah, yippie-yo! Tim as boldly galloped up to the outlaws and putting on an act begins to cry saying that his uncle Dolphu has been badly hurt. The outlaws that expected Dolphu would be killed. They would back down the road and the direction Tim came from taking Tim with them. Now, a prisoner. Bullwhip says, I thought we took care of Dolphu Hawkins when we spooked his all-wagon team toward breakneck curve. Farrow, the leader, answers, Well, something must have gone wrong, Bullwhip. At that moment, they gallop under an overhanging bluff. Suddenly two figures leap from the bluff under the outlaws. Hey, hey, hey, what's up? It's Dolphu who tackles Creaky, all right. Now, we'll take care of you, Farrow. Roy quickly leaps to his feet and swings at Bullwhip. All right. Bullwhip goes reeling back, perspective out of row. Farrow scrambles to his feet, whips out his gun. All right, hold it, Rogers, or I'll blast you wide open. Tim pulls out a water gun and squirts water in his eyes, spawning his aim. My eyes! With Bullwhip and Farrow out of the way, Roy runs off to Creaky, who's not Dolphu down. He whirls Creaky around and has the drop on him. I'll blast you and your pal Bullwhip for the murder of Dolphu's boss. Last picture, Creaky stands hands up and says, fancy Farrow, meet us, Killhank Brenton, so he could grab the company's orhol and contract. Suddenly Dolphu explains, hey Roy, Farrow's getting away and Tim's taking out after him. We've got to stop him. It certainly was. And Roy Rogers, he's really some fighter. Yeah, trouble again, just a little. We'll find out next week if he gets into any more trouble and we'll also find out what Roy does about it. Now let's turn over to the very last page of the first section. And we'll read Flash Gordon in just a moment, but first here's that nice man again with something interesting to say. We go again with Puck the Comic Weekly and on the last page of the first section, Flash Gordon. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Let's have music for heroic flags. Flash Gordon and Dale and their friends Zarkov were in a new rocket ship built for them by the Venusians on their way back to Earth and home. Flash noticed they were running out of fuel and fearing they couldn't make it to Earth, they decided to land on the moon, hoping to find friends and fuel to continue. As they climb out of their spaceship, they are confronted by an armed tractor on his receiver set in his space helmet. Flash receives an order in perfect English, obviously the voice of an Earthman. March toward the lunar base. Flash glancing at the cannons and sends him from the space tractor realizes they have no choice but to obey. So followed by the tractor, Flash and his friends march toward a strange building which juts out of the Earth like a large pumpkin. Flash picture top row, tuned in on the tractor wavelength, Flash hears the driver radio a moon station. Rocket pilot claims to be Flash Gordon. And then surprisingly, Flash hears a woman's voice answer. She warns the man on the tractor to beware and says that Flash Gordon was killed by a comet. Any imposter, huh? All right, we'll watch him. Picture bottom row, Flash and his friends are ushered into the strange building that serves as the air base on the moon. The base is an odd sight, hard fortress and part science lab. It's crammed with the most advanced star radars, rocket launchers and nuclear devices. With a wave of his gun, the guard motions Flash into Dr. Stella's office. Flash stops in front of the woman who apparently is a leader of the fortress. She stares at him searchingly. And she tells him that she's seen pictures of Gordon. And that since he looks like Flash Gordon, that he could be someone pretending to be Gordon. A space spy maybe, trying to ferret out the secrets of this outpost of Earth. And then she says, we'll soon find out. Flash has given a shot of hypno serum that'll put him to sleep, but enable him to answer any questions that are asked to him while he is sleeping. Question after question is asked, Flash. And then last picture, while Flash still sleeps, Stella whispers to her aid. He's really Gordon. As long as he remains here, our secret is in danger. Watch him. Ooh, now she knows that he really is Flash Gordon. Yes, now she knows. And because she knows what a dangerous man Flash is, he's even in greater danger. Well, if she's honest, why doesn't she want him to know what they're doing on the moon there? Well, apparently the secret she wants to keep from him is not an honest one. That's just what I was thinking. I wonder what that secret is. Well, maybe next week we'll find that out. Now let's go to the first page of the second section of Puck the Comic Weekly. Oh, yes, Dean. Well, let's see what funny thing he does today. Here we go with Dagwit and Blondie. Blondie is shopping today. She sees a hat in a store window and likes it so much, she goes in to try it out. As Blondie admires herself's second picture in the new hat, the sales lady says, it's $7.95. Oh, it was made for me. I'll take it. Last picture time. Out on the street, Blondie is hit by a thought. I forgot about Dagwit. He'll hit the ceiling if I come home with another new hat. And first picture, second row, Blondie is back in the hat shop again. Have you spent it, hat? Well, this exclusive model costs $40. Would you like to try it on? No, no, I just want to take it home on approval. Oh, certainly, Mrs. Bumpstead. I'll take it. I'll take it. And that evening, last picture, second row, Blondie comes into the living room where Dagwit is reading a paper. And she's wearing her new hat. She walks in front of Dagwit. Darling, how do you like my new hat? Dagwit looks up from his paper. Well, how much it cost? First picture, third row, Blondie answers. $40. And Dagwit really hits the ceiling. And she's wearing her new hat. She's wearing her new hat. She walks in front of Dagwit. And Dagwit really hits the ceiling. Outrageous! You think I made her money? You think I'm a millionaire? He drops from the ceiling to his chair. And Blondie says... I have another little hat here, dear. For only $7.95. $7.95? Last picture, third row, Blondie puts the cheap hat on. The one she wanted in the first place. Do you like it? It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. It was made for you by all means. Keep it. Well, all right, dear. If you say so. First picture, bottom row, Blondie is in the hat shop again. I'm returning the $40 hat. Thank you for letting me borrow it. Second picture, bottom row, she's back home again. As she comes in the door, Dagwit says... Gee, I love your little hat, dear. You have such good taste. Thank you, dear. And last picture, she looks at herself in the mirror, admiring her pretty little hat. And she says softly to herself... It's simple when you know how. Yes, it certainly was. Taking the expensive hat home and making Dagwit think she had bought it when she hadn't bought it at all. That was past. Well, as she says, it's simple when you know how. Yes. Well, now it's time for Dick's adventure. Oh, yes, and I'm anxious to read that. All right, let's go to the very last page of Puck the Comic Weekly. And here it is. Yes, the Americans were led by General Andrew Jackson. And he had a career. Yes, that was because he was tough. Yes, and he had offered to help the Americans fight the British. Yes, but at first General Jackson didn't want to accept Lafitte's help because Jackson didn't like pirates. And then all of a sudden he changed his mind, didn't he? Yes, he changed his mind. Then he let Lafitte go to get his men. And then a messenger wrote into camp and said that the British were marching to attack the Americans. And I wonder if we'll have a battle today. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Dick's adventures. Say the magic words with me. That's the music for adventures, Dick. Last picture, top row. The countryside beyond the colorful old city of New Orleans swarms with defenders. French, Spanish, Creoles, and above all, with Tennesseans like old Hickory himself. Rough, tough hunters who can bark a squirrel at 100 yards and a red coat at 150. First picture, second row. Dick stands beside General Jackson waiting for the first sight of the British Army, which is on the march. Dick remembers that the British are 10,000 strong while old Hickory's fighters number only 5,000. Then the British regulars in perfect formation, in brilliant red coats, come into sight. Straight toward the field where the battle is to take place, they come. They look for the sight of the American Army, but see nothing but trees and bushes and silent breastboards. Then suddenly, last picture, second row. 5,000 American rifles spit hot lead and cold death from hidden places. British ranks are broken, but swiftly they're reformed. The officers beat their men with swords, forcing them back into rank. Time and again, the British charge the Americans. Time and again, they are driven back. Finally, the battle is over. The British have been stopped by the hidden withering fire of Tennessee rifles. And New Orleans is saved. Last picture, through a wildly jubilant city, Dick walks proudly with the reformed pirate Jean Lafitte. No one knows that though the battle for New Orleans has been fought and won, the United States and Great Britain had already signed a treaty of peace in Ghent two weeks before. Yes, and one of the reasons they won was because Jean Lafitte, that pirate, had helped the Americans. Yes, and just then as a British. Yes, but they had a better way of fighting. The plans of old Hickory and Jean Lafitte were too smart for the British. Yes, they were. Oh, that was a good story. Yes, you bet it was. Well, now look underneath Dick's adventures. There's Rusty Riley. Oh, yes, this friend stole that. Yes, and the carnival is owned by Denver Dooley. And Dooley has hired a couple of new acts to work with his carnival. Yes, but yes, the two of the people that he has hired are crooks. And one is named Necro. He's the magician. And the other is named Beagle. He's kind of some sort of a fortune teller. Yes, and Beagle and Necro have tricked Dooley into a card game. And the crooks are going to cheat and try to win all of Dooley's money. But Rusty knows about this, and he's told Stovepipe about it. And I bet you he'll find a way to stop these crooks. Well, let's read now and see if he does. Here we go with Rusty Riley. Gallop and run till the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty. After overhearing the conversation between Necro and Beagle, Rusty finds Stovepipe and leads him back to the tent. As they go, third picture top roll, Rusty tells Stovepipe what he heard. Well, he said Mr. Dooley was a made-to-order sucker, he said, and then he said, that nosy kid was fooling with my special specs. Ah, yes, you no doubt of the nosy kid, Rusty. Tell me, did he mention marked cards? Last picture top roll Rusty exclaims. Cheapers, yes. How'd you know that? He said, give me those marked cards and scram. I fear that my long experience in this profession has educated me in the devious ways of many depravedable characters. That is hurry, my boy. First picture bottom roll, they cautiously approach Necro's tent. Rusty whispers. Yeah, this is the place I meant among these boxes. It's real dark and you can see in the tent through the back flap. Yes, well, right in time, my boy. Dooley just came in. They peeked through a crack in the tent. Hey, look, Mr. Stokepipe, Mr. Necro's wearing those queer, purple-ish glasses I told you about. A little later inside the tent, the card game between Necro who's wearing the purple-ish glasses and Dooley goes on. Necro says, Ah, the three kings beat me. It's your part. You look really running high, Dooley. Dooley chuckles. Well, I warned you I couldn't lose tonight. Well, how about it? You want to quit? Outside the tent Rusty whispers. Gee, Wilkins, Mr. Stokepipe, Mr. Dooley is winning. Quiet, my boy, wait. Inside the tent, Necro says, Well, one more hand, Dooley. Double the amount that's on the table. Then we'll quit. What do you say? Okie-doke for me? It's your deal. Last picture, Stokepipe says, Ah, this is what I was waiting for. Quick, Rusty, run to the main gate and get the policeman who's stationed there. Policeman? Ok. Policeman. Yes, now if Necro pulls any funny stuff, Stokepipe will have him arrested. Yes, and if he's the one who stopped Necro from cheating him, and then Mr. Dooley will say that Rusty's a hero. Yes, you bet he will. But we'll find that out next week. Now, that's all the time I have. But before I go, here's that nice fellow with some more interesting information. Honey and all you boys and girls, I gotta go now, but be sure to meet me and my little friend Miss Honey at the Comic Weekly. For I'm the Comic Weekly man, the Jolly Comic Weekly man. Don't forget boys and girls, see you all next week. Your friend the Comic Weekly man, the Jolly Comic Weekly man.