 Hi, how many of you loved 2015 and was it the best year ever for you? Okay, that's how I feel So this piece is called see you in hell 2015 January 7th a study claims that men who post tons of selfies online have psychopathic tendencies Surprise January 10th I've barely been at my new apartment a week and my first piece of mail is a wedding invitation Love will find you in an evil sort of way, but it will find you January 12th. I have now received two different wedding invitations in the mail since the year began. It's January 12th January 22nd, I hope it that if there's ever a fire my cats wake me up the same way they do when they want cat food at 5 a.m Just kidding. I don't even have cats February 13th Auto correct just corrected so lovely in response to a selfie someone sent me to so lonely February 17th, I feel like I'm permanently trying to recreate a sandwich an ex used to make for me February 28th My new stand-up comedy class is called flying solo, but it should really be called dying alone March 5th, I've been saying my daily affirmations on the subway, and I'm sure that it looks like I'm talking to myself because I am March 22nd, I came up with a new word today cough blocked when your unrelenting cough keeps you from getting laid March 27th, my intense personality brings all the boys to the yard March 29th It's 2015 and people are still replying all March 30th My co-worker, and I totally had Sundays delivered to work today. It was really expensive, but so is being unhappy March March 31st Someone smells like baby powder, and it's not a baby April 4th Today when googling how to break up a PDF Google assumed I was searching for how to break up a couple and I just went with it April 14th, my phone is dead because I'm an asshole. There's no other reason April 15th last night. I dreamt I meant Anthony Kitas at a Francois Hardy concert April 16th my therapist said I get the feeling that you don't like me April 21st you watch one Andrew Dice clay video for research purposes and YouTube has a whole lot of interesting recommendations for you April 25th the last time my friend Kenny visited me I didn't have a door on my bathroom this time. I've got a door, but my toilet's broken. I'm the hostess with nothing April 28th my horoscope says I should think before I speak today, and unfortunately I read that at 5 p.m May 2nd Most likely to wish her ex who she hasn't talked to in a year happy birthday out of the blue most likely to have them respond a day Later with simply thanks. We will never talk again May 5th Soon a phone call phones will only exist as geospecific dating apps and not to make phone calls We'll all have to join them to talk to each other May 10th when asked what my type is I like to respond with I'm attracted to people who make jokes about being dead inside May 13th that thing where someone said the word sex and you think they said snacks May 14th today. I learned that I don't meet the minimum height requirement to be a Muppet May 15th that thing where you ask your friend to text you when they've safely made it home And you fall asleep before you know if they're alive May 25th that thing where you ask someone if you've said too much and they never respond ever again May 29th my friend said I love that you did such a thorough job of riling up men You leave hateful comments about feminists on the internet and I said it's a gift June 3rd going to the gynecologist makes me want to form a band called everything but the socks our hit single would be called paper dress June 7th just now at the bakery I was like, can you make me the most fattening sandwich possible and they were like, but we don't even make sandwiches June 8th I Got the scariest letter from the New York State Department of Health. It basically said we know you're an organ donor and we know where you live June 9th real thing someone asked me on Tinder. Does the large cat in that picture live with you? June 22nd when you get an incredible mix CD from your married with children X and you're like, I really can't have it I'll just kidding. I have nothing July 7th when you get mustard on your this is what a feminist t-shirt looks like and you're like, this really is what a feminist t-shirt looks like July 8th that time I heard my friend say I caramba, but really she said aloe vera July 18th, I just entered a quilt raffle in upstate, New York the raffle ticket said that winners would be announced last year July 20th, I'm going to make a feminist satire called ghost boyfriend The twist at the end will be that the female lead just really likes doing things alone July 23rd. I can't even count the number of times. I thought my uggs were a cat July 29th, I accidentally deleted Tinder from my phone, and I can't help but think it's God's way of protecting me from my sexual peak August 3rd that time you thought the person you were kissing was about to say I'm falling for you But really they said I'm falling off your couch August 19th my friend said that today her longtime doctor high-fived her when she answered yes to whether she was currently sexually active August 26th my therapist went away for the summer and she missed so much August 27th the title of the reality TV show in my head is how does everyone know each other September 1st when you accidentally see your butt in the mirror and you're sad for the rest of your life September 2nd I'm thinking today is the day I text my therapist you back we cool September 5th Big Saturday night questions. Should I finally read my September horoscope or should I watch a TED talk about vulnerability? September 9th today is the kind of day when I wish I hadn't given all my Xanax to a famous skateboarder September 28th all I want for Christmas is better boundaries September 29th Dating makes me feel like Goldilocks. This porridge is too hot. This porridge is too cold. Maybe I just hate porridge October 14th my cat is covered in leaves, which would make sense if she ever went outside October 15th a Guy on Tinder asked me to send him the weirdest draft in my inbox And I don't think he was expecting a feminist manifesto November 10th my hobbies include sweating and crying November 11th. Sorry. I was late. I stepped on my cat's tail and it took me a while to reassure her that everything was okay November 15th. I bought a pink rain hat tonight, which means I'm ready for anything including a full regression back to childhood November 18th reason for unsubscribing just not feeling it November 26. I feel like if I asked the magic eight ball anything right now it would say I'm so sorry December 1st what's a good emoji for I've dropped my phone a lot and can barely see what I'm typing you December 2nd proof or related I tried to hug my sister and she actually said what are you doing? December 13th the bodega sandwich maker just said don't be afraid to scare me and Just like that. I finally achieved the kind of relationship. I've always wanted with a man. It involves sandwiches December 21st 2015 or the year I took my best selfie at Planet Fitness the one time I went there I've been paying for it for like two years December 24th my current grocery shopping list is cat food baking soda and candles. I'm ready for anything except real life December 29th cool thing about being alone at the zoo. I've been asked to photograph every family December 31st, and I'll end with a quote said by my taxi driver on New Year's Eve. Nothing is forever Happy 2016 everyone