 What is up everybody? This is Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem But focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is all about mental health So if you're into that kind of stuff make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell I'm actually live streaming right now But I told everybody in the chat that we were going to watch the Katie Morton video together And this is a good one I actually just I'm uploading a video as we speak about dealing with my alcoholic mother So I don't know I thought this would be fun I'm just gonna do a commentary on Katie Morton's new video about dealing with toxic parents Maybe talk about what I agree with disagree with whatever we'll see how this goes and I might be replying to the chat too in here So let's watch She's got some jams going. Hey everybody. Happy Thursday. Now today. We're gonna talk about toxic parents before we jump into that Are you new to my channel? Welcome. I put out videos on Mondays on Thursday So make sure you're subscribed and have those notifications turned on so that you don't miss out Let's get into some important talk. Katie's like really cheery. I appreciate that about her. It's just like that's not my That's not my style like I like she probably is that you know that cheery though I'm sorry Katie that I pause on this part because I received a question and it says hey Katie I have a really difficult time with my parents And I'm just not really sure if you can shed some light on how to deal with parents that are so toxic and I've gotten this question from a lot of people because A there are parents and b by the way real quick this for everybody in the live stream or anybody who watches I want to start doing this on my patreon like if any of you in here or one of my like 25 patreon supporters Or no not 25 my like 11 or like give me questions on patreon He sometimes you live with them and see it makes it really difficult and we also love them And it's just so complicated But I have a lot of helpful tips that will hopefully Get you to a healthier and happier place and maybe even make the relationship better And my first tip is to get into therapy and I know that may not be available to all but I've also done some videos in the Passive with better help. It's a great resource online for therapy. So that's something that if you Maybe that's another way to gain access to therapy But also if you're in a school program You can go to your school counselor and they can refer you to someone or if you are an adult and have a job a lot of them Have HR departments and you may have an EAP. It's called an employee assistance program Which offers free therapy or you can call your insurance and get a list There's a lot of ways to get there. I don't feel like it's impossible Don't feel like it has to be expensive a lot of therapists will work on a sliding scale But it's just really vitally important that we get into therapy so that we have a place And to talk about all that we may be going through and most importantly to get some support and it so like that's good See, this is this is why like this is why like I made that video about Katie Morton and ethics and stuff and like Like she's she's good like she's like me I'm sorry again Katie for pausing on a weird face of yours. But anyways, like That like she she's in the same place where I am. We're like, I don't care where you get help Just go get help, you know, so like we'll promote better help if that's an option for you If you feel like that's your best option My lovely girlfriend who is in the live stream right now. She doesn't have health insurance Better help gave her a sliding scale But even if you're not working with better help ask a therapist like Katie just had on her screen and mentioned Ask them if they work in a sliding scale Like the treatment center i'm about to start working with or I am working with now Like they have discounts and sliding scales like we want to help people but we also got to Keep the lights on so I appreciate Katie for doing that But yeah, you need somebody to talk to about this stuff and process like and this is for all of you It's for all of you who follow my channel and stuff like I do my best I do my best to try to reply to all of you and talk to all of you and have personal time with all of you But I'm only one person Like the goal of my channel is to provide you with tools and resources that you can use Like I want to teach you how to improve So like I can't be all of your counselor or therapist or whatever. So I try to guide you to resources So I I try to make that clear with anybody I work with like don't only rely on me Like you need somebody who can be there for you regularly I know that a lot of people just say hey get into therapy. It's really important, but but just Hear me out for a minute and I'll tell you kind of why I believe it is so important I think therapy helps because The relationship is different than any other relationship we've had The relationship that we have a therapist is one sided which in normal life isn't healthy But in therapy it is so vitally important to making therapy work because the therapist Is putting that whole hour or two hours a week or whatever long you see them towards you and understanding you Which means you get to tell the story from your perspective and there's no one judging you and there's no one Saying no, that's not how I remember it happening or I don't know your mom actually seems pretty nice when I see her No one's back talking you. Yeah, no one has any perspective the therapist only knows what you tell them And that can be really healing not to mention that a therapist isn't going to yell at you. They're not going to lash out There it's not a scary place. It's it's not a romantic thing It's it's a very benign healthy happy conversation that you can have in this safe space Free from any judgment or anger And I know Yeah, like this is something that a lot of people don't understand like you know like It's so important to get an unbiased point of view like this therapist has no ties like I get a lot of people who say like, oh, well, I have my friends or I have my Sister or brother or whoever it is like If they know that other person and have a relationship with that person it can go one of two ways Either they over agree with you or they don't agree with you, right? But a a therapist or like what I try to do I try to take in the information From a completely objective place and say, okay, what can we do? You know what? I mean, so like like katie mentioned They a therapist isn't going to be like, oh Uh, you know, your mom seems really nice. So this seems really kind My mom does amazing family therapy sessions. But yeah, I just really that's why I like what katie does Um, because I don't know if she has a private practice anymore But I guarantee she has helped thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands If not millions of people just at least make the step to go get therapy and like that's what I aspire to do Know that that seems really crazy. But if any of that's happening in therapy for therapists is angry or anything like that Oh, yeah, that's a bad therapist I have a whole video I'll link in the description about how to know you're seeing a bad and a good therapist So we make sure you get put with the right one but If you're watching this, sorry again katie Like yeah, yeah, like katie see katie's transparent. She says there's good and bad therapists, right? That's what I keep telling you guys I really want to collaborate katie But i'm not big enough for her to care about me yet Like that's my only Resentment towards katie, but I get it. I get it katie one day katie's gonna come knocking on my door It's gonna be like chris. We need to collab. Let's talk about alcoholic parents. Let's talk about traumatic childhoods Let's talk about addiction katie's gonna come to me. But if any of you guys want to help uh, feel free to We better Therapy can be healing because that relationship is different And so just trust me when I say it's really important and I honestly believe therapy can help any of us But if we have a really toxic parent or even just a toxic family environment Having a space that is ours where we can talk about how we feel and how these things are affecting us Can be really really healing so I encourage you do it today Reach out speak up and get the help that you need and deserve and my second tip is set and uphold boundaries Now, I know a lot of you are going to say hey, my parents won't respect them a little step over them And it's not even worth doing it's always worth doing and here's why boundaries In a perfect world would be something that we'd be able to communicate to another person and they would respect it And they would uphold them with us and they would understand but in a toxic environment It's important because it protects us as the person setting up the boundary Let's say we have a really abusive whether it's emotionally physically sexually doesn't matter parent In our life or just toxic just coming in and telling us shitty things about ourselves Which it's really emotional abuse by the way, but if they come into our room and do that to us Maybe we study at a friend's house. Maybe we stay at the library at school I would limit the amount of time that you spend at home And then I would look into maybe getting a look on my door if it's okay. I don't want you to be in an unsafe I don't want to create a more unsafe environment See and god dammit, Katie quit making these faces. All right, Katie. Sorry. Um I talk with my clients about this all the time all of the time Like I tell people like I tell people all the time I'm like, yo cut that person out or you got to quit talking to your mom You got to quit talking to your dad You got to quit talking to your brother your sister your best friend whoever it is They're like, but I can't but I can't just stop talking to them I'm like the hell you can't like what do you mean you can't of course you can like The but then I try to get down to the root of it Like you're you're worried or you have this This idea in your head that you have to have a certain relationship with them I I talk about this in my new video about forgiving my alcoholic mom I had to quit talking to her for a few months to protect myself and heal myself and Begin to repair our relationship. I needed that boundary in that distance So yeah, like I get really real when I talk about this stuff I tell people the hell you can't cut somebody out of your life. I don't care if it's your mom your dad I don't care if it is your child. Okay. You have to set up boundaries. Sorry. That's a rant I'm really adamant about boundaries and maybe I'll make a video about it For you like physically or emotionally But I would spend the least amount of time around them and I would try to communicate as much as you can To what you know safe is for you But that you you know wish that they would talk to you this way or it's really hard for me to communicate with you when you yell Or whatever you can say to start letting them know what's okay and not okay for you And I know that that doesn't work in every scenario, but boundaries are always important even if the boundary is I'm not going to be at home for more than two hours at a time unless I'm sleeping because it's just too much for me Yes, or I know when that one parent gets home and I can leave I can I can join that one club that meets at that time And that will get me out I mean there's a lot of things that we can do to minimize our time if we don't live at home It can be I'll only talk to my mom or dad whatever parent it is When it's on my terms And so I'm not going to ever pick up the phone when they call It's only when I call and that's just a boundary I'm going to set up because when they call they're always yelling I don't know what it is But you're going to have to take some time to recognize What is upsetting to you because boundaries our body tells us when someone's Usually makes us Really uncomfortable we can get really rigid or we can like shrink down It can we can physically feel when a boundary is crossed and so I'd start There there's a good photo of you katie. Um, but yeah, this is really important to Like this is why therapy is so important. This is why I love making content. This is why I love katie making content like It's really weird how the human brain works like there's something called motivational interviewing Right where you help you help guide the person to bring to get their own conclusions about the situation But I can't tell you how many times How many times I've brought up an idea to somebody and they're like, I didn't even think about that Right, like that's why you need a therapist because we get so stuck in our own brain That we're not even thinking about this like the stuff that katie's listing right now I've talked to so many people about boundaries and they haven't even thought of that Like they haven't even thought of like oh limiting my time at home and you're like they haven't thought about that So man, I just love I love mental health and helping people It's so important start paying attention to that start noticing What it is they do or say Or what things they said in motion with other people in our families that we find so upsetting And then I would minimize the amount of time that you're engaging with that kind of behavior And find ways that you can kind of distance yourself from it And it all depends on whether you live with them or not But you can figure it out if we don't take care of ourselves first We're not going to be able to engage with people in a loving healthy way So don't let that one person in your life take that from you It's okay to set up healthy boundaries and if they earn trust and respect back We can you know alter the boundaries as needed They're a living breathing thing that we can change as we go But we're going to need to protect ourselves first and so Recognizing when they're overstepped how we feel and then placing them and upholding them and communicating them as much as we can Whatever keeps us safe is really important and imperative when dealing with a toxic parent So like I know katie's like thing right now is toxic parents, but like to kind of like Expand on what she's saying. So let's say you're married. Okay, so You're I don't know. Let's use me. I'm let's say I'm I'm a husband. I'm not married Let's say I'm a husband and my toxic parents Are and I don't have boundaries with my parents. It can screw up my marriage. You know what I'm saying So I can't be the best husband I can be because I haven't set up boundaries with my family members and I hope that makes sense So how can I be a good husband or how could I be a good? Child How could not a child but how could I be a good father to my child? So like it's it is so important that you get help You get help so you can help others. I mentioned in some videos recently about putting your oxygen mask on first So you can be there for other people. You know what I mean? Like I do not keep toxic people in my life I absolutely do not keep toxic people in my life because it it makes it so I cannot be of service To other people who need me and my third tip Save your money and get out If we live with them, I know this only pertains to if we live with our parent But I know that a lot of you told me you do and you can't get out Save your money and get out We have to keep ourselves safe and I know a lot of you are like well, my siblings are still there I know this is hard. You don't have to keep Dealing with the emotional abuse or the physical abuse or just the toxicity of your family to protect your siblings So this is this is about developing the internal locus of control which I talk about Find what you can control. Okay. You can go get a job. You can go make money You know, you can do this and this and this now What katie's talking about is it is not your responsibility to save anybody Okay, but going back to the last point you can't save anybody until you save yourself What I would recommend for anybody watching my reaction to this Use that as motivation to better yourself if you have siblings who are still in a bad household You move out and do your thing Right, go get go get your education go get a job save up money Do what you have to do so you have a situation in which you can take them with you You know, so it might take time a big issue that we have as humans is uh, patients We're we're very impatient, you know, but like let's say you have a brother who's seven years old, right? They've they've done this for seven years So you can you can do it for another year until you have enough money saved to take them out of that household Okay, but you've got to help yourself first There's no reason that both of you need to be in that house if you're in the position to earn some money and get out of that situation I know that's hard, but they're on their own and you're on your own Yes, if you get out you can have them come live with you if you can afford it But we just need to get you out And also think about the kind of if you're the oldest child in your family You're like a role model and you're showing them that it's okay to speak up and get out That family life isn't healthy because we don't want them to think that that's normal and something they should strive for We want them to know it's not okay. And so in a way by leaving you're actually showing them That they you know that you can be courageous you're demonstrating all the things you're hoping that they will do too And so save your money get a part-time job And this could even be moving in with another family member or a friend Get out as soon as you can because the longer we're in a toxic environment The harder and harder it is for us to tear ourselves out of there And the more we start to believe all the negative nasty things they say about us But trust me they're lying they just feel shitty about themselves and it's overflowing onto you Yes, so you don't have to take it. So say yes. Hey everybody I've made a video a long time ago that that The thumbnail says hurt people hurt people right and yeah like the people who are toxic in your life And man, I wish I would have watched this before I made the video about my mom But um You'll see that they're in pain, but again like katie's saying you don't have to deal with that You do not have to deal with that at all. You are nobody's punching bag. You get out of there and you're like peace out Save your money get out as soon as you can and my fourth tip Is figure out what you want from the relationship You not anybody else Not what society says a relationship with a parent should be like not what your friends have with their parents Not what you've seen before. I want you to consider what you Want and what you need from that relationship Take some time. I would journal. I would you know go for a walk and just think about it Whatever helps get your you know your mind going in a safe place. I want you to just consider what you need and then Maybe write a letter that you don't send to them Or maybe start talking about how it feels to recognize what you need from them. Yes, maybe that's upsetting Maybe you're upset about how much you time out time out. This is for everybody anybody who's watching this video right now Like I have people like I made a video about relationships the other day Like you need to watch or like you need to make like an ideals list, right? Whether it's with your parents Whether it's with um if you're looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend or your friends like write down write down in a notebook Right say like this is what a good friend looks like. This is what a good father looks like This is what a good mother looks like and then my my Next step to or to that that journaling exercise Damn, I should make a video on that the next step towards that exercise Is then looking back at it and seeing what are realistic expectations and what are in unrealistic expectations So for example, like if you said like a good mother is happy all of the time I'm just throwing that out there I would look back at step two of this and say Okay, is that realistic for someone to be happy all the time? No, it's not or if the expectation is Um, a father should be there for me all of the time. Is that realistic? Yes, and no, they can't be there for you a hundred percent of the time They have their own life too. So that would be a great journaling exercise. So if you're looking for A relationship or like what Katie's talking about with your parents and again, like what she said like what What you need right not based on what other people's families are like that screwed me up for many years I wanted my family to be like other people's families And until I let go of that and accepted my family the way they were then I can start building on boundaries and expectations and relationships and things like that You need from them or how little you need from them Give yourself some time to kind of process it through and recognize this And then the second step is to take what you need and want from them And I want you to compare it to what they're able to give That's what I said. I would actually recommend this With the therapist because Katie why are we not collabing together? God see, okay I'm gonna I'm gonna get a little egotistical real quick and cocky But like I have people like questioning my credentials and stuff And what you're seeing with a better help fiasco and whatever like those are just pieces of paper Those are just pieces of paper. I'm going to school right now to get my You know certified alcohol and drug counselor thing like it's just a piece of paper That's all it is and like it's just a society thing and that's that's a whole another rant But like you just watched A licensed marriage and family therapist Literally say exactly what I was saying to you and I'm not a licensed marriage and family therapist So I just want you to kind of gauge that um And maybe I'm just saying that because I've had some flack since my channel's been exploding and people are like Well any of your credentials Well, I pretty much say the same things that therapists do Most of the time, but I don't have credentials and I I don't want to make it seem like I know everything that they do, but I just want you to kind of think about that for a second because it can be really Sad And it can be really hard, but it can also be something that you do on your own I would just encourage you to take the time to do that because Often we have these expectations of what a parent should be and what it should look like But this is what they're able to give us But then this is what we maybe need And so we're going to have to find some middle ground where there are certain things that they are able to meet Like maybe we just need to have some kind of relationship And that means that we need to call our mom or dad like every two or three weeks for just like 20 minutes Because we just can't cut them off We're going to have to figure out where we can meet I wish I would have watched this video before I made mine Dang Like this is this is Dang it Katie But yeah, that's that's really important when setting up these expectations like what can they give? In the middle because there is going to be that middle point It's just going to take us a little while to figure it out So that's why we start with what we need from the relationship And then we talk we consider what they can actually give us and we try to kind of Meet in the middle in a place that feels okay Where we won't be constantly disappointed or put in a toxic environment But we're also you know cultivating the relationship that's important for us One of my favorite sayings I mentioned this in a video I did a while back if any of you guys want to check it out It's called your expectations are killing you and one of my favorite sayings is my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity So the higher your expectations are the worse you are Okay, so the sadder you get the more depressed you get you have no peace no serenity no Sanity because you have these high expectations. So when you lower those and you start accepting and Realizing these are humans too, and they might not be able to give the thing that I'm trying to get You start to have more serenity. All right And just take some time And it's all about you and what you need nobody else And my fifth and final tip is Introducing new big Love you though Oh, wait, don't even have to skip it. There you go. Okay to get that out of money Whether that is a therapist and that was my first tip was to see a therapist But that could be a therapist, but I'm also talking about other friends and other family members Maybe you have other family who also agrees that that parent is a total jerk And they don't like them either It might be good for you to have someone where you can talk to about it And they also know the person so it kind of gives you a little place to commiserate about how terrible it is But if this toxic parent is an alcoholic or a drug addict, there's also alanon or alatine Which are free support groups for family members of those who struggle who have addiction issues And that can be really really helpful to even if you're not comfortable speaking up in a group setting It can just be really healing to hear somebody else share their story and you can see some of the similarities to your own so like When I say we talk about the problem but focus on the solution like It's very healing to know that you're not the only one going through stuff. That's why support groups are very important Like katie mentioned alanon alatine other support groups Facebook support groups are great There's the huddle app Like it's great to know you're not the only one going through it But in my opinion that only gets you so far like there's only so much I can just like it's great to know other people are going through it But then I need to start getting into a solution with the other things she talked about With boundaries journaling therapy stuff like that It can just remind you again that you're not alone and nothing's wrong with you And I know people are always scared to join groups But it can be the most healing when it comes to addiction because addiction affects the whole Family so just make sure that you're getting additional support whatever that can look like for you. Maybe it's groups at school Maybe it's joining. Um, I don't know going to meetup.com and joining another group over there Or maybe you join like an intramural sport Just make sure you have other things going on that keep you busy Keep you out of the house if you live with them and give you new support systems new friends and people around you That you can talk to about all you may be going through because I find overall The more we talk about something the less power it has over us the more we keep that toxic parent A secret and think that it speaks poorly to us the more it's going to affect us And so I would just encourage you to start sharing with those you trust in love And start talking about it more and more until it loses any of that emotional power over you And by the way, this is why you need to get rid of your crappy friends Like get rid of your crappy friends like A lot of us a lot of us have a negative voice in our head and it comes from our toxic parents, right? That we're not good enough. We're not smart enough. We're not pretty enough or handsome enough or whatever it is You need to hang around people who aren't necessarily enablers But people who will build you up and say yo Yo, yo, yo, like you're good. Like don't believe that don't believe what they said You know what I mean? You need to get better friends who build you up to counteract the toxic people in your life And that negative voice that been put in your head because you if you're watching this you're a badass just to let you know Because that's really what the whole process and therapy is about is to get us to talk about something And to express what's going on without having any emotional charge for us And so the sooner we can start doing that the sooner we'll start feeling better I hope you found that helpful I know so many of you are stuck with toxic family members and stuck in homes where you just feel trapped But know that you're not stuck forever and we can't get you out Hopefully these tips those five tips kind of help set things up for you and give you a perspective and some You know next steps you can take to work towards a healthier and happier life Awesome, let's freeze on Katie. So We'll leave it right there. So yeah, thanks for watching. Um, yeah, uh, I was live streamer I'm gonna upload this to youtube probably now, but thank you so much for watching There's links around here if you would like to subscribe or check out another video on my channel Um, and yeah, if you're watching this, uh tweet this at katie morton I've been trying to collab with her for a year now and maybe she'll want to collab with me All right, I love all of you and I will see you very very soon