 One of the most common search terms for women in the dating mating and relating realm is why men pull away Why does this happen? Why do guys seem to want to in the beginning invest in a relationship only to do a 180 a turnaround a pullback? And sometimes worse a complete disappearing act, which we call as ghosting. Why does this happen? You know, it's interesting Before I dive into that, I want to share something that I posted on my social media that I think might help understand this I posted the following. I want to read this to you all It's it's based on a compilation of information. I've gotten from other people and the the post goes like this courting was replaced by dating And dating has been replaced with hooking up If true, why is that? Why? Okay, so what what is really being said here? And how does this relate and by the way? This is a Sweeping generalization that may or may not be true and yet the same time it might feel true for a lot of people So the belief about courting was that at some time in the past men who were very intentional about marrying a person would go through some sort of Some some sort of acts if you will by by maybe doing chaperoned Dates with a person being interviewed by the person's mother and father and usually a very quick Segway to the altar Okay, but I think what was unique about courting and I'm not suggesting that there wasn't hooking up back in the day And there wasn't just dating back in the day But courting was something intentional And this is true for a lot of cultures that certainly had a range marriage and whatnot Now I would say that courting today is almost non-existent at least here in the united states and what replaced it is dating And dating is basically your trial run with someone to see if you want to invest in a possible long-term relationship And I say trial run It's more like these days. It almost feels like shoe shopping In other words, you go to a department store you try on a pair of shoes You may or may not walk out with a pair of shoes and you can go back and and if you buy your shoes from Nordstrom's You can purchase your shoes wear them for six months and return them and get a full refund. Okay What I think's happened today in dating and this is predominantly because of these swipe devices We we have basically a limp. We have we have not eliminate we have have created The perception that human beings are rather disposable and they're easy to replace I'm repeat that the perception is that human beings are rather disposable and easy to replace So with the swipe at advent, there's the belief that hey, you know, or excuse me in the current dating marketplace um Basically, if you you meet up with someone and you you you want to pursue them physically But you're like, no, they're not the one you could just go back online And replace them. That's what's happened through this medium of technology The other thing that's happened and I think this is predominantly because of birth control is that the access to Non consequential sex and what I mean by the consequence of having a baby And by the way, you know condoms also contribute to this as well Is allows for more freer sex without any commitments? And so this I think is one of the major differences in the way we perceive the past versus the way things are currently Happening in the dating mating marketplace. Okay So how does this relate to men pulling away? I think one of the biggest challenges today in the dating marketplace is that for the most part, we're meeting total strangers For the most part When you meet a total stranger, if you don't know their back store, you rarely know their back store, you know very little about their Childhood their upbringing people associated with their lives So we have to do a lot more digging in the early phases to see if we're compatible with a person And yet we've adopted throughout centuries throughout eons that chemistry equals relationship success Chemistry equals relationship success. So if two people are physically attracted to one another They can engage in a relationship only to find out these days that you might be incompatible This is why one of the things I do in my private coaching By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a pre-discovery call with me. And by the way, there's a link below My whole role as a coach is to teach you what questions you should be asking in the early states of dating Especially before you give your heart to a man These questions are based on your personality to determine if they're truly compatible with you and more importantly vetting if they're emotionally mature enough to be in relationship because Since this topic is about men over 40 well roughly 75 of people Who are over 45 years old who are in the dating marketplace are divorced And with divorce comes an unraveling of the tapestry of our old lives And many people are in some state of trauma Through this experience or they have child and wounds and traumas that have gone unaddressed And then they repeat patterns of emotional unavailability or worse Poor relationship skills and poor emotional maturity in any future relationship Why is this important to know Because folks stop being naive to the idea that chemistry equals relationship success Stop being naive to the idea that men are the hunters and all they have to do all you have to do is Sit back in your feminine energy and let him claim you Well, yeah, a man might claim you physically for the purpose of sex But he may not even be remotely capable enough to be in a relationship This is why you know to some degree you have to be your own matchmaker Now what I mean by your own matchmaker is that you Ask the questions to determine if you're compatible with one another ask the questions early on to determine if your lifestyles are blendable And more importantly ask the deeper questions to determine If you're actually with a person that's emotionally mature enough to be in relationship because financial success of a person Does not equal emotional maturity. Let's get that, you know, someone who's successful a high value man Doesn't mean that they're emotionally capable enough to be in a relationship So One of the things people don't like the fact that in my coaching It might seem like an interview process, but I want you to think about an interview process If you're trying to get a job from a company and you'll do anything to do it Then the person is interviewing you for the job at what's called the job of girlfriend Okay, if you put this person up on a pedestal But in a true job interview the person is interviewing you and you're interviewing them And what interviewing means is an exchange of conversation To determine if there's a mutual compatibility with one another. That's what an interview is Now some might think that you're interrogating a person Well interrogation is a one-sided event basically someone, you know, if we think of a detective and person that's committed the crime The idea of the interrogator is to slip the person up But interviewing someone is actually how we get to know someone Now we can simply take out the word interview and replace it with the word being curious Being curious to see if you're genuinely compatible with one another if your lifestyles are blendable and more importantly Is this person that grown up enough to be in relationship? And this is why my channel is devoted to raising the consciousness of women in particular Because women oftentimes give their power away to men It's been you know, it's been passed down through eons and i'm here to say you are in charge of your relationship destiny not a guy Okay So what are some of the reasons why a man pulls away? Well first most of the time Not enough trust has been built in the relationship Not enough trust not a real sense of deep friendship and a lot of people believe time Together creates trust and no time Oftentimes only creates attachment And in many cases unhealthy attachment if you haven't built a true friendship and built trust and trust is simply Does this person care about my feelings? As much as I care about my own feelings is this person have my best interest of heart We think of trust mostly around fidelity and of course that's important But the end of day trust is does this person have my best interest at heart? You know, it's fascinating. We'll sleep with people with little or no trust built We'll sleep with total strangers with a little or no trust built Trust is built through the curiosity of determining if two people are a good fit for one another So what happens is a lot of women good women Are choosing the wrong men for these four reasons? So let's dive into this right now Put on my trusty glasses put up my notes bump bump bump Okay So number one His life is in chaos. His life is in chaos. Maybe is going through a divorce Maybe has issues at work. Maybe has family issues in his life the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid When a man's when a man's life is in a sense of chaos It's very rare that he can lean into a healthy happy relationship And I sadly I witnessed women bailing men out financially. I see women bailing men out emotionally Only to find out that this man will leave you because he wants to be a bright shiny penny to someone new So number the first thing you need to be prepared to recognize is is his life in some sort of chaos Is he going through a contentious divorce? Does he have a contentious x? Is he going through financial issues? Does he have some job issues going on and I'm not talking about situational things I'm talking about something that's more substantial. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button. Please share this video And please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new Okay, number two He's hung up on an x or he's afraid of getting hurt because of his previous x You'd be surprised that a lot of men and women combined are still hung up on a past relationship Or that past relationship that was contentious might put them in a category of fear around a Exploring a good relationship a person with a good woman This is why to see you have to do this interview process Find out about their past relationships people Believe it or not most people are honest And if not they slip up in their communication if you act from a curious place But Jonathan i'm not supposed to interview men folks Interviewing us how we get to know a stranger You can't go to a job interview. You can't go to a job interview You expect to be hired without asking some deeper questions with one another But Jonathan the dating process is supposed to be fun and light and airy Yeah, fun light and airy gets you hooked on someone who might be incompatible with you So i'm here to promote Being your own matchmaker Okay number three Now this one is uh something I talked about in the five glaring red flags video I did But this is called covert incest covert incest and what this is is a person man or woman making children Such a priority in their life. It's at the expense of building a partnership with someone The child takes on the role of emotional support in this person's life Now this isn't this doesn't happen Frequently, but I would say this happens 10 to 20 of the time that especially since the demographic we're talking about is the over 40 demographic We're a man with typically their daughter the daughter becomes a replacement spouse in this man's life From an emotional perspective usually the daughter is somewhere around 13 to 25 years old And it depends on how contentious his marriage was in his relationship with his ex spouse But covert I want you to look up emotional incest or covert incest and read up about this This is becoming a relatively more common thing With men and women alike So this isn't singular to men and it's usually with the opposite sex child Where they opt the child becomes their emotional support person So you could be a good person in this in this man's life And yet his child is his primary emotional support person. That's number three and number four He has unrealistic expectations about how love feels Nobody is good enough women and by the way women do this as well Meaning if it isn't perfect there must be something wrong in the minute. There's some disagreement in the relationship This is where men bail That's right There are a significant amount of men and women alike that have this glorified expectation around what love should feel like Instead of really understanding that a relationship is a give and take a relationship is a two lane street a relationship Is is is about being teammates with one another and a lot of men and women Operate from this false premise That love must be perfect or it's not a really good relationship. Have you experienced this before? I know I kind of operated a little bit that way I've seen so many men and women operate this way where they're again the minute there's a bump in the road They move on this is why you definitely want to get a sense of someone's past life And and really understand their ability to resolve conflicts okay Person that has good communication skills Will demonstrate it very early on because they operate from a place of curiosity In the dating mating and relating realm versus a place of either being a know-it-all Or a place of wanting to take from a person And then that's usually those love bombers those are driven by lust and lemurs All right. Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? These are the four Four Reasons why men over 40 might pull away from a good woman There's certainly more than these four But these are certainly four that we can explore today And I think it's important to have a conversation about this So I hope I provided value for you tonight Let's and and if I have again, please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new and then in the description below check out all the links to schedule a discovery call to Check out the books. I recommend I always talk about my book What the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work and I highly remit And there's a link below to get the book All right, I think this will be a great place to start our q&a For those that know my format if you have a question for me write the word question Then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat in the chat box For those that are on live and if you want you can purchase a super. Thanks If you're watching the replay all the monies from the super stickers super Thanks goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley That's a picture of him right there with his brother Colin He's my son who passed away four and a half years ago And in his honor I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight institute Just in the name of you. These are nonprofit organizations designed to help improve individuals lives Particularly in their area of their limiting beliefs and their negative patterns that stem from their childhood wounds So again check uh You know purchase a super sticker super chat. All right. Let's see what questions we have coming in so far Um, let's see Let's see Jennifer says I intentionally asked questions before ever going on a date phone call as well If we aren't a match. I just don't want to I don't even show interest This scares away the wrong guy. You know, I believe that the first phone call is The first date the first phone call is the first date. That's a great opportunity to spend up to an hour Just asking questions about the person before you make a commitment to meeting in person Now a lot of people don't know how to do this. That's why I created my private coaching right here. There's a link below I will do that. There's a link below right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you, but yes, I'm in full agreement Jennifer. The first phone call is the first date Jennifer also adds I see so many men write chemistry as a must only on dating apps What happened to similar values honesty? Because most men and a lot of women believe that chemistry equals relationship success if we have chemistry We must be a perfect match it comes back to what I shared before Those people that believe love should feel perfect because they're so hyper focused on chemistry And not really understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship If you're not familiar with the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotten And I highly recommend checking this out by the way There's a link below to get a copy of this book before the penis ever goes inside the vaginas ladies Read chapter one of this about Read chapter one in this book about trust and commitment So you get a better understanding of the importance as I shared earlier that trust is one of the primary reasons Why men and women pull away? Because very little trust has been built in the relationship. So check out that book to read that Before you get in too deep. All right, let's keep going Joe henna says curious sounds much better. Yes, I agree. Thank you Neverly says amen resonating. Thank you so much All right, let's see what questions you have for me If you have a question write the word question and then post the question there after And that way I can address anything you want to talk about today Cc says jonathan you look great in the suit. Thank you so much. I appreciate that uh Someone just wrote I dated someone like that as well I believe she was talking about the covert incest not so much emotional support with his daughter But she was his companion to shop with them weekday dinners, okay Well, looks like we have a bashful group if we have no questions that come in in the next minute We're going to be wrapping up for this evening. So I want to give you a chance to ask me questions right now You can certainly ask me questions about my beloved marie as well. So here's your chance Looks like we have a bashful group. We have no questions coming in I'm going to give it 30 more seconds All right, Karen says, thank you jonathan. I appreciate that Well, it looks like we have a bashful group tonight So I think this will be a great place to wrap up because we have no questions coming in in the q&a board Folks, uh, I hope I provided value today by understanding the four reasons why men pull or push good women away Just as a reminder his life is in chaos He's hung up on his ex Or uh, he has fear fear of getting hurt because of his ex Uh covert incest making a children their primary priority and their emotional support system And he has unrealistic expectations about relationships Okay, well, looks like we did have a few questions come in. So let's let's keep the ball rolling here Wendy says Book recommendations for a troubled marriage I think a good book to read two good books to read would be I love this book by By dug and Naomi It's called making your second marriage a first class success. I love this book great insight in this But more importantly, I would check out the book by john gotman the seven principles for making marriage work These are great books to help prepare you to improve your relationship Also, I might include the book by the way all the books I recommend is in the link below The book by barbara de angeles how to make love all the time how to make love all the time. These are great books So thank you so much all right, uh Kathy writes uh, let's see Kathy writes question. Sorry too hot here to think. Okay. That's not a question All right. Uh, let's see. Joe hinka says question Is it because of insecurities and not being financially stable from a guy's perspective? um I'm not really understanding your question. Joe hinka or I apologize for butchering your name Can you elaborate a little bit more? Thank you so much All right, angela writes question getting over a horrible relationship with the narcissist and being able to trust again Um, I'm not sure you really have a question there, but yes It's pretty hard to get over a horrible relationship and particularly with the narcissist I think the question you're asking. How do you do that? I'm a big proponent of personal development self-help spiritual work and therapy as a way to heal What may have happened in your past and until your past is healed It's going to be very difficult to lean into a relationship in the future So I'm a big proponent of therapy personal development self-help and spiritual work Uh culture like leotard says john gotman has really broken it down to its simplest forms Yes, I agree. Thank you so much for stating that Jacqueline writes question New boyfriend out of a marriage only one year, but it's clear. He's not hung up on her and has a calm stable wife great guys should I worry about that? You know One year might be too soon for some people Um, that's interesting my girlfriend. I were talking about this this morning We're talking about there's two types of guys those guys that immediately Attach themselves after a divorce to the next person or those the guys who become players Now there are really more than two guys, but we were talking about how a lot of men go Wow, I love this freedom and there's this there's this thing called dating apps And I can get laid whenever I want and I can be talking to five women at the same time um, here's the thing You know you have to I said earlier interview someone but really you're interviewing their character And how do you know someone's character first you get insight into their life? You know, I had a client who worked with me some years ago and and she's now happily in a relationship They've been living together for about four years now. Um, the first thing she found out about she got fixed up through a blind date And um, the first thing she found out about him was that he had given a kidney to a total stranger Like who the fuck does that give a kidney to a total stranger? I was like wow I'm glens a great guy um, but I'm bringing this up because Finding out about a person's character their humanity their their charity gives you real and I'm not talking about someone who writes a check to a charity I'm talking about someone who actively does things for the betterment of other human beings And I said to her even though he wasn't a fit for her. I said look He's a good guy. You got to give this guy a chance and now she's happily in love Even though he didn't look good on paper when they first met I think sometimes when we create the box of what a person's looking for We don't look at the more important things and that's their character. So great question. Thank you so much for asking All right, uh Oh, there's part two Questions should I worry that it's only been a year things are going great. I think I answered that so thank you so much Vera writes question Hello, jonathan. My boyfriend got divorced five months ago and now he's in a serious relationship with me But I find him very clingy and it makes me feel And and he makes me feel I believe suffocated Sometimes what should I do? you know, it's not uncommon for men and women to Operate from a place of codependency of another person. Let's see if I've got the book. Uh Where is it? I'm recommending the book codependent no more Not because you're codependent But you may want to understand why this neediness is happening from them I suspect he's feeling a bit lost after of his divorce because again a divorce is the unraveling of the tapestry of our old lives And a lot of people haven't done the work to reintegrate themselves and then they meet someone new So I would be cautious with a person that has in this state Um, I'd really want to determine is this person really capable of long-term commitment Those are some of the things I talk about in my private coaching But more importantly, I would read this book just so you can understand Maybe get a sense of what he's going through and why he's so clingy. So vera. Thank you so much for that question I really appreciate it Rose says, how do you heal from the past relationship to find a good one? Personal development self-help spiritual work therapy. Okay personal development self-help spiritual work and therapy I wrote my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What that's what self-love is is an integration of healing from past traumas to better be prepared for new relationships I'm a big proponent of doing workshops um group workshops individual workshops uh alike to do healing I it took me I mean quite frankly from my divorce till I met my beloved it was a 15 year journey of a lot of healing And I had some I had a significant relationship in that time. It didn't work out Thankfully, she's in a great relationship right now I'm in a great relationship right now, but I would say that after my significant relationship ended I needed another Four three or four years of healing now mind you I lost a child in that time I lost my mother. I didn't feel like working for a period of time But it takes time to heal from a past trauma. So I would do personal development self-help and spiritual work. So rose. Thank you so much for that question Green king writes question and thank you so much for your time What would you say is the most supportive way for feminine support to a masculine over age 40? With a 30 year with a 30 Year age gap. I face cultural differences Wow a 30 year age gap. Are you the person 30 years older? Are they the person 30 years older? When I think of masculine and feminine the way a lot of people view it I think of dominant and submissive and a lot of times Overly alpha type of males Want a submissive partner, which means that they're highly agreeable and they're willing to compromise their own Standards for the guy that's often see we have this grand expectation that their alpha males are altruistic Well, that's usually not the case. Okay Um, sometimes it's the case, but it's most of the time. It's not the case I'm a big proponent of being in your individual sovereignty and your individual power. I like the book Personhood I like the book personhood Check this out To really integrate your own sovereignty of your masculine and feminine So you can be better prepared to be in a cooperative co creative relationship Rather than a one up one down type of relationship where the band is superior and the woman is subordinate So that's my two cents on that. So thank you so much for that question All right, johica writes question Over 40 guys doesn't keep up with a woman. It's because of financial insecurities. Again, that's not a real question But thank you for sharing your thoughts um The super smart successful divorce guy met is a player. He has been on dating apps for years He said I was the first woman he met that intrigued him because I told him my standards I bet you he has said that more than once All right, I think this will be our last question for the day question How do you not give up hope to meet the right person you give us hope with your lovely girlfriend marie You know last night marie and I posted a live stream And and there's a my picture of my girlfriend and I you know I think you know, we were we were talking about this We have our morning coffee and we we kind of review what happens A lot of times in my professional life because I like to get her feedback on some of the comments I get But one of the things we talked about for both of us is that We both knew We would meet someone special in our lives that I mean that we didn't just Hope it had happened. We didn't hope it. I hope it happens. I hope it happens. I hope it happens We didn't just go. I believe it happened. I believe it'll happen. I believe it'll happen We operate it from a place of I know it will happen And so what we did prior as she shared in the video last night is We each did our own individual personal development self-help and spiritual work So we could be better prepared when when the right person comes and one of the key factors in this We talked about is timing Even though she and I connected a year earlier the time wasn't right Even though she came to los angeles to visit her friends and family Wasn't the right time for to meet for me to meet her. I I was wrapped up with business things And then when she came out again, it wasn't the right time and it wasn't until I took a trip to chicago that it was the right time Timing plays a big part of this, but it's kind of like The you know the definition of luck luck is when opportunity meets preparation We she and I did all the prep work so that when the opportunity came We call it luck, but I think it's better term is it was the right time So I hope that helps answer your question We operate it from a place of not hoping it'll happen not believing it happened We operate it from a place of I know it'll happen So then we let the universe do the rest of the work. That's how we operate it anyway Thank you so much for that question patricia. I really appreciate it Uh and jennifer says thank you for answering my question. I believe timing as well. Thank you so much Folks, I think this would be a great place to wrap up today. Again. I hope you find value in my videos I hope this content helps shift your perspective and look at things from a different vantage point I'm not here to sell you on the traditional rhetoric that Men are hunters and all you have to do is lean back in your feminine energy and wait to be claimed Because to me that's just a bunch of rhetoric The fact of the matter is human beings are riddled with flaws human beings are are complex creatures You know this narrative that it's simple is bullshit It is complicated and how you sift through that complication is through awareness This is why I created my private coaching So again schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video first off I'm going to give myself a big gigantic shot the barric of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow There's a teddy bear give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank jade and annie and jennifer and onset and patricia and maria and lin and lady or linda music and jojica and pa pa pa sisi And green king everyone. Thank you so much. Hope you have a pleasant evening. You take care of my now