 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, nice girl habits, nice girl habits you must break. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This group is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you ask in the group, I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group. Please forgive the noise. They're doing some power washing over there. So let's talk about nice girl habits and I want to be candid with you. I actually was inspired to shoot this video based on one of my contemporaries who I have a great deal of respect for. His name is Matt Boggs. He did the seven habits or nice girl habits that you should break. And I was, I actually really liked most of all of what he shared. So I thought, why not give my own spin on this? So I just want to be candid about that. Now, with respect to nice, let me just tell you something I heard years ago with respect to nice. And someone said, being nice is not telling people what you really think about them. I'm gonna repeat that. Being nice is not telling people what you really think about them. And I've noodled on that for probably 30 years and I certainly have been in situations where I didn't feel good about a person and sometimes the nice thing to do is not express oneself. Sometimes the nice thing to do is not express oneself, to stay in a state of neutrality. And sometimes it's felt like I would do the opposite. If I wasn't really appreciative of someone, I would do the opposite of that. And as I think back to why I might have done the opposite, in other words, turn it around, it's because I had this fear of hurting someone's feelings. I'm gonna repeat that, a fear of hurting someone's feelings. And what I notice in the dating, mating, or relating realm, women oftentimes are nice for the exact same reason. They're fearful of hurting someone's feelings. And also when they're in romantic relationship, I think women oftentimes can be nice because they're fear of losing a man. In other words, not actually speaking up, not expressing oneself because they're afraid that they might lose the person in the process. And to me, that is giving one's power away. I'm gonna repeat that, that's giving one's power away. And when I wrote my book, here's a copy of my book, what the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? By the way, there's a link to get my book below. One of the chapters is to speak your truth. Speak your truth. Just do it in a kind way because we can always speak up for ourselves. And I also believe we can do it in the kindest way. Now later on in my book, there's chapter nine, says if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So ladies, I only say this as an invitation for you is I habitually see women giving their power away to men. Now I think I understand why this is. I believe this is biological and instinctual. This comes back to Neanderthal cave man days, cave people days all the way to probably in the 1950s or 60s where women were predominantly dependent upon men. I'm gonna repeat that. Women were predominantly, no, predominantly dependent upon men. So when you think of 200,000 years of evolution, of programming, it's probably very difficult from, I mean, I can't imagine this from the woman's perspective to not have some sort of instinctual dependency upon men, even though from a cognitive perspective, you all know, many of you know that you can take care of yourself. You are not financially dependent upon men. I mean, I said the word financially, when you really think about it up until 100 years ago and thousands of years before that, it wasn't about money per se, it was about physically protecting, needing physical protection from men. And while to some degree, women have a propensity to maybe walk down an alley and feel fearful that there might be an attack, it's not as prevalent as it once was, hundreds if not thousands of years ago. Women literally could not be by themselves. And quite frankly, you could be with a group of women and still not be safe. So we've certainly changed a lot in the last few hundreds of years per se and certainly in the last few years. And yet this is probably instinctual, giving one's power away. And so I think nice is part of the problem is that this is such an ingrained piece within women to, and I know it's sold in package in this beautiful way of chemistry and romance and you know, men are chivalrous and they're just gonna naturally take care of you. Are men really chivalrous? Do you know the other day I had a client of mine tell me that the guy, supposedly this doctor, nice guy, you know, that they were building a connection with before meeting, he was sending dick pics to her. Now, is that the exception or is that the rule? You know, so I'm not here. So first off, part of the problem is when we're meeting total strangers today in the dating process, we're meeting total strangers. And when you're meeting strangers, you don't know their values, you don't know their background, you don't know how, and here's the thing, most humans, most men and women are good people. Let me just say that, they're good people. They just, I always say, most men are good men, they're just bad daters. And what I mean by bad daters is that they have bad behavior mostly due to childhood wounds and traumas. Let me repeat that, childhood wounds and traumas that have or adult traumas that have gone unhealed that causes humans to have bad behavior. And women, listen, you ladies are no picnic, you have your bad behavior as well. I'm an equal opportunity judge of human beings, myself most importantly included. Because I believe that the real journey to happiness is actually an inner journey. That's what self love is about. Look it, I'm wearing the T-shirt that says the self love club. And trust me, I'll get to the nice girl habits in a second. I do believe the true journey is to find the happiness within because when one finds the happiness within, then they can actually lean into a romantic relationship with someone else. Because if you have a propensity to give your power away, then is it true love when you connect with someone who's taking your power either intentionally or unintentionally? And repeat that, is it real love if they're taking your power because a real healthy relationship is a co-creative process. Two cars driving down the road at the same speed. That's a healthy relationship. So how do we get that inner happiness going? I'm gonna talk about a book I haven't talked about in a while. It's called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. I love this book. There's a link below. This book is a, it's like learning how to talk to the voices in your head because many of the voices that is coming out for so many men and women is negative about the opposite sex. I think partially because these devices, I think these devices have ruined it for us. I think from a real connecting with another human being, texting isn't a healthy form of communication. Texting is really, hey, I'm running five minutes late. Hey, can you pick up this stuff? By the way, can you come over at nine o'clock tonight or today kind of thing? My sister's coming over. She was kind of come over at eight. I shot her a text message this morning. Can you come over at nine? Boom, real simple. But to have deep conversations and I think what's happening is because of technology, we are becoming more and more disconnected from one another which is causing a need to connect in this nice girl way. Please forgive the word girl, but is it, I said girl in the title. By the way, we all know women and I think it's just more like the terminology nice guy, nice girl. By the way, what happens to nice guys? They often been told they finish last. I prefer a man who's a good man with a little bit of an edge. Well, not for me, but I'm saying for you ladies. So let's lean into these habits because I believe they are, the reason why I'm gonna share these habits but why started by understanding where do these habits come from? I think when you can understand something you can predict the behavior and when you can predict the behavior you can make better choices. So we're gonna lean into what happens right now. So let me pull out my trusted notes. Bump, bump, bump. Nice girl habits all women must break. So number one is saying yes to an instant relationship. Saying yes to an instant relationship. You know, it's interesting men kind of do this in the form of love bombing. They literally proclaim their love. I mean, a lot of men do this. This is based on limerence and or lust. When limerence is extreme infatuation lust is the physical component of it. So a man comes on strong and I know you've been told that men are the hunters and we're gonna chase you down but are men really hunting? I wanna be in a relationship. Are they really hunting that? No, they're hunting the physical needs, biological needs we have. So men start off by saying yes to an instant relationship and then they cave because it hasn't really been built. And women oftentimes accept instant relationships. They say yes to an instant relationship because they think it's real in the moment. Folks, it isn't, as my friend always says, Max always says, it isn't real until it's real. What that means is it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. And then it takes another 200 hours of face to face time to build the next layer of trust. And then it takes 300 hours to build the next layer of trust. That takes about a year to build some level of trust and trust simply means it isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, can I trust this person cares about my feelings as much as I care about my feelings? By the way, you can't know that in an instant relationship. You can't know that through love bombing that you actually genuinely, you've got this person's back. So I'm here to say, be careful of the instant relationship whether the guy is pursuing an instant relationship or you accept an instant relationship. Number two, canceling your plans to accommodate his schedule. You know, I have mixed feelings on this one too because the reality is these days were so busy, you know, and by the way, with distance and other things it requires I think being a little bit flexible on accommodating, but habitually changing your plans because someone is giving you crumbs I don't think is a healthy thing to do. I also do believe that it's good to be flexible in relationship to be a bit accommodating, to be spontaneous. So if someone says, hey, it looks like it turns out I'm gonna be free tonight or you're up for getting together. Look it, if you had big plans with friends I wouldn't cancel on your friends. But if you had a small plan to chill out, you know what, I think that's okay too. It's just don't habitually change your plans for a man because you are, especially if the power, if the intent behind it is a fear of losing the guy. That's really the issue we're talking about. You have a fear of losing the guy and that is why you say yes, or is it like, hey, I'm okay to change my plans because I'd like to see him, that's okay, okay? I'm just letting you know that's okay. Number three, try to get him to like you before you know if you like him. Oh my gosh, I am so guilty of this ladies. I try to make a woman like me before I even know that I like them. Now I think part of that is because of my anxious attachment style. If any of you have what's known as an anxious attachment style, you oftentimes probably try to get the other person to like you before you even really know the person. So that's oftentimes what's happening here. So just remember that pacing of that 100 hours of face to face time really to get to that first layer of trust. And by the way, it's okay to like a person. It's okay to like a person. It's not okay to try to make someone like you. I've done that before when I had a woman who said to me, you know, Jonathan, I'm not sure if I want a relationship with you and I was going overboard to try to convince her how wrong she was. Have you ever done that? Have you gone overboard to tell a man how wrong he was for not being into you? I've done it. I'm sure a few of you have as well. Number four, saying yes to sex before you're ready. Folks, you know my rhetoric before the penis goes inside the vagina. Read the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman or you may want to read the book, the seven principles for making marriage work. This is not about marriage. This is about understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Why not understand how a relationship works before you go into the sexual dynamics of a relationship? And by the way, if you're not familiar with my acronym CARES, C-A-R-E-S. The C stands for comfortable. Don't have sex so you're comfortable. A, be aware of the consequences. If you attach easily to a man, be aware of that. The R, learn his real intentions, his real intentions. The E, my suggestion, don't have regular sex with someone unless you're exclusive and monogamous, exclusive. And the S stands for safety, whether that means it's a safe environment or having STD tests, CARES. That's when you should consider having sex, okay? Number five, investing more in the relationship than he does. Remember I talked about that two lane street? Well, if your car is here and his car is here, you're making more of an investment in the relationship than he is. I'm here to offer at least the invitation that it should look like a two lane street that you're traveling together, okay? My coffee mug says, I make the world go around. What do you do? By the way, this was a gift from a friend. This feels a little narcissistic. She gave it to me. I think it was her that felt like that. But that's my coffee mug. These that's all coffee mugs are my favorites. Okay. We just talked about investing more in the relationship than he does. And number six, giving undeserved second chances. Let me repeat that, giving undeserved second chances. Listen, we all make mistakes. It's gonna happen. But a true, true. And by the way, relationships are gonna have tension. They're going to have friction. There's gonna be times where you might blow up with one another. This is why I highly recommend checking out both of you reading the book, how to be an adult in relationship. How to be an adult in relationship. Most humans are terrible with their relationship skills. I mean, really dysfunctional with their relationship skills. And so giving an undeserved second chance is oftentimes because you accept a weak apology. A true apology looks like this. There is recognition of what they did. There's a bit of remorse of what they did. They have remedy. In other words, they actually have a plan of how to overcome the indiscretion because a true apology is changed behavior, change behavior. And sadly, women will accept second or third or four chances without any real change behavior because coming back to that notion that you're giving your power away in the process. So I wanna recommend one more book before we wrap up today. And that is, if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a spiritual way to date that takes out all the gender rhetoric and says, how can I approach the process from a heart-centered loving space? First, loving myself, loving myself first. And then leaning into how to build a healthy happy relationship, how to co-create. Here are the words, co-create. Folks, nice is expecting, excuse me. I was about to say, nice is expecting the man to lead the relationship. Listen, if men were so good at this, why is the process so dysfunctional? Excuse my burp. I'm here to suggest the following. I'm here to suggest the following. If you really want a healthy happy relationship, then it's important to understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship by first understanding the mechanics of the healthy happy self. Because when you can operate from that place, you don't have to be nice in a relationship. You can be empowered in your self-love in any future relationship, and that's my invitation for you. All right, I think you get the gist of where I'm going here today. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post it in a comment below. If this resonated with you, please give me a thumbs up. If you'd like to talk to me, schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Check out my book. Check out all the books I recommend or check out my membership as well. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrick of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. A pat, a teddy bear, a pillow, here's a teddy bear. And give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Bye-bye, bye-bye.