 So, so the movies again will have you believe that Like crazy screaming So what happened in my case is the most painful part again is the actual contractions my wife said the pushing is just like pressure and Your wife will probably crap herself when she's having a kid like because it's just all pressure and push everything out My wife grabs my head. She proceeds to kind of park her mouth next to my ear an Unlicious scream that I would roughly imagine is you know, not like this like I'm listening to my music and there's my You know, there's my blood oximeter and I'm relaxing on the exercise ball But something equivalent to screaming through a bullhorn in my ear with the predator cry like From space it is the craziest sound I've ever heard in my life. It's about double of the intensity I've ever heard my wife yell and She has no idea where it came from It's like a wormhole opened up inside her she reached out and grabbed one of those monsters from the Avengers and just channeled its voice Five minutes later my son was born. So That was incredibly quick pushing. He didn't even have like you ever wonder why kids have alien heads This is why they put a hat on them because you've got all those plates that are meant to shove through this tiny little space It sort of moves them around. They look like cone head when it's all said and done There's like a big portion up this way and that way and they have the alien eyes, too This is on my chest by the way, my wife doesn't have a big hairy chest And so so and he's just like what's up, you know And it's the weirdest thing so your kid's born and it's a super high oxytocin environment I'm wearing stage makeup because HD doesn't nobody any favors But but the touch with my kid is like the highest definition touch I've ever had In that moment now could just be total delirium, but this feeling of like almost like hey jeans Please to meet you. Oh, right. Yeah, these are hey, you're part of me. That's cool And then even crazier than that after all of that agony my son's nursing for like 15 minutes right after right after he's pushed out and My wife turns to me and goes let's have another one after all of that agony After all of that pain and just craziness the brain is just flipped and it's like Okay, let's have let's have another one now in the meanwhile while all this is happening the midwife is down there kind of kneeling and like my sonapesia on me Happens when they need to create space between the to open up the vagina a little bit more my wife didn't either do it surgically or tears My wife had some tearing on the inner walls of her vagina. So the nurses down there just so in her up reaching in so in her up and And and we're just breastfeeding and having a grand old time And then there's the after birth where the placenta gets pushed out and they're so like what do you want to do with that? We're like give it to someone for stem cells. I don't know Well, I know and to be honest. I don't remember what we actually did with it because I'll get to that in a second So like eight hours later. We went home like we didn't have to stay Sarah was able to get up and walk. We took Jack home And then begins kind of the interesting first year So like I said, it's really should be called fatherhood the first 21 months not fatherhood the first 12 months So now my marginal utility really begins The closest thing I think you we are going to get to time travel in our life is The first two months after having your first kid Because I remember October Fest kind of because my son had like baby leader hoson We took it to a friend's house. He was there during October Fest He was born on October 2nd. I remember a Halloween. Maybe The smash potatoes I made for for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but otherwise Nothing I blinked and it was two months later It's because you're tired. You're really really really really tired And I think you're also tired because there's some literature on this about the morphology the brain changes that go on When becoming a new father some interesting things happen you develop Certain components of the of the audio processing portions of your brain to start to tie in with the the cries of your kid Because how many of you had a crying baby on her flight coming into not here you did you did you did you did you did you I'll talk about that in a second But but all of a sudden you start to get in the wavelengths on your kid You're sort of like oh they're crying because they're hungry. They're crying because they're sleepy They're crying because of this it's very very strange, but yeah, I finished a master's degree In this last in this period of time. I don't remember how I did it was great But that's the closest thing I think we're ever gonna come to time travel blink and it's two months later And you're going like where did the time go? That is something that you will experience with children. There's a great saying which is the days and the months are long but the years are short my son's one now and It feels like that it feels like yesterday It was bored, but if I spent an entire day with him it will have felt like Like I was on some sort of three-day weekend bender Even though one day we one day has occurred like like you can't turn off being a dad You're always on duty, but it's a weird thing So so having a child with sure you have narcissism at least temporarily because you realize like I always have to be on daddy duty and I have to be paying attention to this thing like you're doing other stuff You get really good at multitasking like there I am like chopping vegetables and my son's trying to like turn on the stove and I'm like buddy back away You know go go walk and I'm still chopping and I'm stirring this and I pick them up And I'll put them on the refrigerator, and I'll be like play with your magnets, and I'm chopping and then the mail comes And he comes crawling after it and he's tearing stuff down and you're always on daddy duty, but all of a sudden you find this capacity to You realize that all of your interests are quite important But you don't have to obsess about them to get them done in a good way And in fact having a little distance from all of your interests kind of let you Make better decisions about them. Have you ever been so obsessed with something that only when you got away from it Did you realize that you made some bad decisions along the way? Being a parent by nature fatigue and having to pay attention to someone else gives you that distance constantly So you start doing this cost-benefit analysis in real time without the emotional component I really want this to work because I really want it to work Which is kind of interesting because you start applying that elsewhere if you if you remove the domain dependence of this is for my kid You start doing that elsewhere like you know I think I'm going to value sleep over seeing my friends again tonight Or I think you know that ACL Fest is a great idea, but I Think I'd rather just I'd rather see my friends like they're you start to become very compartmentalized in in in your decision-making But that first first week you're gonna have what's called this beautiful labrea tar pit type poop This is in high definition again high definition does no banana favors so they tell you that This stuff is going to to Be a few days and it's gonna be a little bit for my son It was like a week and you can't wipe that stuff off at all like your kids gonna crap And you're gonna open up the diaper and it's gonna be in all these crevices and you've got the wipes and you're sort of like All right. All right What the crap and you're like rubbing your kid raw and it's not coming off I'm a Coney. I'm there we go and and you're rubbing rubbing rubbing rubbing. He's just like You know and like what the hell's going on because he's been thrust into this world, right? It's a it's a it's a the existentialist crisis You you are thrust into being and now you have to deal with it And he's just like well dude, you're rubbing my butt. What do you what's going on here? and Like I said, so kind of the nurses go hi. Yeah, it'd be a couple days for me. It was a week. It was a week of this shit every two to three hours and so You get used to it very quickly poop stops being a big stops being a big deal So fun little fun a little bit in in the food and wine industry women tend to be Critics and tasters better than men. They possess better olfactory Sensory organs they in fact have a higher rate of what we call people who are super tasters Which is like I know 4k tasting. Well, I'm not sure exactly what that looks like But all of a sudden you start gaining a sense of smell as a father for their butt That that you just have no idea where it came from like it's like Wolverine smelling saber-tooth and the bushes off on the side like Your diaper is dirty and it's not nobody else can smell it nobody else can smell it but you've evolved this this wonderful olfactory function from just being around your kid and and It's it's kind of incredible and poop stops not only is poop stop being gross But you stop you're totally not plus by poop anymore. You're sort of like all right my kids digesting food Well, that's good or or oh, there's some poop up my arm. Okay. Let's wash that up. No big deal Oh, it's on my shirt. That's fatherhood. You just don't it just stops being a thing because you're constantly exposed to it It's just not a big deal. It doesn't mean, you know, you're you like you're excited about it But it just stops. It's just par for the course Actually, no, that's not true because if your kid's been constipated for seven days, you're really excited about shit You are just so on board with poop at that point and Then fatherhood fatherhood is so crazy So, you know, we don't have a visceral experience of like having a kid unless you're an old Schwarzenegger in that movie in the 80s and so like two of you got that joke and so so Fatherhood is weird. We don't have this Oxytocin laced crazy experience of shoving a kid out and connecting with it having us having it biting on our nipples every day Thankfully, I'm very very lucky in that way and on top of that early on you're being you're being ignored not ignored like like intentionally like stiff arm by your wife, but you the baby is taking precedent cool I get that my marginal utility increases with age. I understand that so you're sort of like rationally All right, I love this thing. I clearly see its resemblance to me because I'm you know I look like I have alien eyes and and we're in that funny hat But fatherhood creeps up on you like you're taking care of the kid and you're going through the motions And you don't care about it because you recognize this but all of a sudden fatherhood just kind of kind of Sightles up beside you you're working with the kid one day and just kind of bumps you and goes like And it leaves like it's like it's like that little like good good good talk and and then all of a sudden it's like It's like you're it's like you go through this wormhole of beautiful relation with your kid and it clicks It doesn't happen immediately In fact, there's some my other fathers talk some my other clients who are father talked about that like early on It's this really frustrating thing because they're not getting attention from their wife They can't really comfort the kid because early on you're not really a sense of comfort You don't have you don't have the milk and you don't have mom's smell That's why they encourage like skin to skin to contact you'd be laying there on your chest with your baby In its diaper just on you feeling touching communicating and now my son likes me more than my wife But but that's just a phase They'll go through it. I want mommy more than daddy. I want daddy more than mommy So so it does come back to eventually kind of pay dividends in that way they're You're gonna find that you start caring about things Like schools all of a sudden your kids two months old and you're starting to worry about the neighborhood schools You're starting to worry about preschool and daycare and all of this other crap and providing for your kids There's a term white flight That is used when all of these all these previous people's who are occupying the coffee shops and the bars in the city Up and leave for suburbia because the schools are better and this comes with some of that fatherhood element of like Shit I got to provide for this thing and I either the do it montero Lee or I have to do it locationally You start caring about in a really weird way it's not something you chose to care about or even chose to take an active interest in it Just clicks like that whole providing