 The Flint Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. When there's beer on your mind, your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like to taste the Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Ivy Collies. Autumn days filled with excitement of the coming first snow and football, and there's a zing in the air. But to Dr. William Todd Hunter-Paul, friends of Ivy and his ex-access wife, Victoria, autumn means new students. A lot of new professors have perceptions as an option, as the lovely Mr. Paul so well says. It has ten degrees, six, and ten. Here's the fat one. It teaches romance languages. That is romantic as little as six. What in the world are you talking about, Vicki? No, this one. Oh, yes. This is the one with the bushy hair. It's a full spoon full of sugar. It's hair? Oh, no, it's coffee. I've only decided three. We've had every new professor and instructor to teach. Well, several of them have been here twice, particularly Dr. Schwarzkopf in zoology, who looks like a sad bullfrog. We haven't had all of them. Here's the name of this teacher, John Benty Brook. No, no. Invite the bullfrog again, Schwarzkopf. I like him. He plays chess, badly. Well, who's Benty Brook here? Have I met him? I don't know, Vicki. He's a modern English literature or something that doesn't matter. Well, he's a lot of a lot. Shall we have him Tuesday? I'm busy on Tuesday. Uh, faculty meeting on Wednesday. Oh, that's great. Can you even tell me? No, I just decided. All right, Thursday then. I never like these receptions on Thursdays. Well, why not? Well, it's too close to the weekend, you know, next day Friday, then Saturday, it's confusing. Well, he certainly is. Well, what's the matter with Mr. Benty Brook? Don't you like him? Oh, my dear sir, I don't know enough about the fellow to like or disliking. Well, tell me, sir, what does he look like? Well, I didn't notice, really. Lots of new instructors, you know. Can't remember details about all of them. Well, indeed, you must have noticed him. Well, he's a young man with the regulation number of years and eyes, et cetera. Well, tell me a little more about the exception. Oh, no, Vicki. Oh, I'm sorry. I believe you're jealous. Jealous? My dear, I merely object to the new fad of young ladies making bird-like sounds because the person happens to be good looking. No, you never object when they make bird-like sounds over you. Oh, that's nonsense. I'm not wolfface. Or whatever the male equivalent of wolfface might be. Oh, yes you are. The toys on this campus cool and juggle over you like Bobby Stockford. Well, of course they don't, Vicki. It's ridiculous. They certainly don't. Do they? Well, Stormfield voted you the Ivy Man they'd most like to play until. Makes me feel like a bell tower. Well, darling, be serious. We must have young people both over. I won't wear my Bobby Stockford. All right, darling, ask him whenever you like. Well, I'm busy. I'm busy, Vicki. Where is he? I told you, darling, faculty meeting. Thursday? No, he's too close to the weekend. Hello, your pardon. Is this Mr. Bented Book's class in modern literature? It's yours. And where did you see him? Is he dreaming? Yeah, darling, most of it is. Are you registered for his course, too? Not that I blame you. He'll have a full class if he's caught counterfeiting. Did you ever see such a mob? Yes, but I'm not here to take the course. I only want to ask Mr. Bented Book to see. Ask him to see? I've got to try that. All right, everybody. Sign up. Fill out those slips. Go ahead, honey. Sign them names. No, that's not what I'm saying. Do you invite him to see and get a look at him? Well, I've never believed that curiosity could kill a cat, but I'm beginning to think it might cause a few feline neuroses. But now that you've been trapped into taking the course, I expect you to uphold the honor of this family and be an honor student. Oh, he doesn't know I'm the President's wife. I registered under my maiden name. Well, you'd still better pay attention and learn all you can because I'll be asking questions. What was the first lecture like? Well, Mr. Bented Book discussed the basic difference between K. S. Eliot and Mick Kelly. Basic difference yet? Well, on Friday, his subject will be... If Charles Dickens were alive today, he'd probably be writing comic books. Apparently, Mr. Bentley Hyphen Brook is a regular Milton Hyphen burl. He gets a lot of yawks. Yawks? Yawks? I'm not familiar with the word. Yawks? Y-O-C-K. A hearty laugh, a theatrical trade term. I can see how it might have shaped your attention. Yawks? An interesting word. Do you have any idea of its etymological derivation? Hmm? Yawks? No, it's part of the... related to yawks, the cry of encouragement of Harktown. No, it's more a cry of appreciation to Comedians. I'm going to learn a lot about literature in this course. You should better read a few books, too. You know, I disagree with that chap about Charles Dickens. I think he'd be writing daytime serials. Oh, Charlie. Old Dr. Manette. David Copperfield, boy, a boy. Pagan, face his life. Oh, Charlie, that's wonderful. You know, I've gotten a few yawks myself. And how about Dickens on television? Cookler, Fran and Oliver Twist. You're much better than Bentley Brook any day of the week. Well, I hope. I hope you weren't completely swept off your feet by the man's look. Oh, Charlie, not for a second. Not for a single second. He's not my type. You are. Come in. Mr. Bentley Brook, isn't it? Come in. Come in. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Sit down, Brook. Tell me, how is your course in modern literature progressing? Very well, Dr. Hall. I don't know when I've enjoyed teaching a course so much. Good. Good. You know, it's my conviction that an instructor should be like a fine chef. Spice and seasoning are, of course, invaluable to every good taste, but the basic food must also be there, the meat, the potatoes. Nobody would care much for a steaming bowl of paprika or a platter full of cinnamon. I agree with you, sir. Mustard is all very well, but the basic ham must always be there. In my case, it always is. Now tell me, what was it you wanted to see me about? Well, Dr. Hall, I wanted to ask you about, well, the rules regarding an instructor's conduct on this campus. Oh, we don't live by any hard and fast rules here, Brook. The regulation thing, drive on the right side of the street, honor thy father and my mother, and don't shoot any members of the Board of Governors between September and June. Well, I'll remember that. But by and large, we try to live freely and fully, and that's only possible in an atmosphere of academic freedom. Too many thou shalt not, then the human brain becomes a tight little cell that is no longer an effective sending or receiving safety. The soaring words of Socrates are on our bookshelf. Mr. Jefferson is there. Mr. Galileo. And a young whippersnapper named Tom Payne. But unless we take them off the bookshelf and practice what they fought for, yes, and drank the hemlock for where we were not scholars in the true sense of the word, that would make a fine subject for a lecture to the student body, Dr. Hall. It's been used to Mr. Brook and by me every year. Well, the thing I wondered about is, are there any thou shalt not about an instructor falling in love with one of his students? Oh, dear. How do you feel about such a thing, Dr. Hall? Well, there are many factors to be considered. For example, is the instructor married or single? Conversely, is the student single or married? Well, and then there's the all-important question, is the instructor male or female? And conversely, is the student female or male? Ah, business. That with only two sexes in the world it can get so complicated. Well, the instructor is male and single. The student is quite female. And according to my class register, a male. Now, this is a problem. And not an everyday one. Usually our professors are old enough to keep on their own side of their bifocals. And these students are young enough not to attract or be attracted by... Where are the bifocals? Well, this student is quite mature. Unusually so. Really? Make you laugh? Unusually. Yes, I see. Is there any rule prohibiting the instructor asking the student for a date? For dinner, perhaps? Or a drive in the moonlight? I'd like a rooming from you, Dr. Hall. I wouldn't want to do anything that might be bad for him. Bad for him, yes. Well, Mr. Brook, I think this is such a... Well, it's a question of a matter. Well, I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, Mr. Brook, I think this is such a... Well, it's a question of a matter. I'd like a time to think about it. And if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to my wife. You know, the feminine point of view. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Hall as yet, though I hear she's beautiful and charming. I must say that the very skinny infancy of these people is quality. Why don't you come to dinner this afternoon? It is all and we can all wrestle with your conscience. I should love you, Dr. Hall. Good. And that is the first act certain to a no-coward comedy if I ever heard one. But to file a piece off an old saw, coward just makes conscience his other soul. When there's beer on your mind, your best daughter slips the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of slips than any other beer. That's why slips is the largest selling beer in America. Several thousand years ago, a fellow named Epicurus had a theory that pleasure is the only thing in life worth pursuing. It's really too bad Epicurus can't be with us today. How he would have enjoyed pursuing the pleasure in a white-capped glass of slipped beer. That's pleasure in its purest form. To give slips its own very special taste, the taste you remember with pleasure, slipped beer is mellowed three times. Mellowed by aging the barley till it's just right for mulling. Mellowed by aging the mull till it's just right for brewing. Mellowed by aging the beer till it's just right for you. This triple mellowing is one of the reasons why slips taste so good. No wonder it's the largest selling beer in America. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall is a man who faces issues squarely. Occasionally, of course, a few of the squares have rounded edges. Vicki is taking a course in modern literature from the youngest, the best-looking instructor ever to hit Ivy. As a husband and as president of Ivy, Dr. Hall is hitting back. Hello, darling. Oh, Vicki, I'm glad you're home. What's the matter? Vicki, do you mean that I have such an unpoker face that you can read it with a glance? Like a full house or a royal flashing heart. I shall certainly never play a photo with you. Wives invariably have more extra-sensory perception than is absolutely necessary. Telepathy is only a scientific jargon for a woman's basic instincts. The Gypsy fortune-teller is only one who has put her feminine intuition on a paying basis. I have no talent for it, dear. Or I can ever see in the bottom of a tea cup his tired tea leaves. Well, talking of tea, were you planning to have anyone in this afternoon? Yes. I intended to have the best-looking, the witchiest and the most charming man I know. You invited him? No. There you arrived pretty regularly without an invitation. Oh, me? Oh, no, no, no, you. No, I thought you were talking about Mr. Bentley Brook. Oh, toss it. I've decided to forget about Mr. Beebe. I'm dropping out of his course. I think you're right. We can forget about asking him. Forget? But you were the one who was so anxious to invite him. Well, at first I thought his lectures were fascinating, but I've changed my mind. He drones. He definitely drones. Well, he's going to drone for us this afternoon. I've invited him. You've invited him already before. Because we are civilized, rational people who should face issues as they arise. What kind of issues? Mr. Bentley Brook is in love with one of his students. Oh, how romantic. I wonder who it is. Now, could it be the freeze-out blonde on the front row who crosses her legs? No, I hardly think so. It might be the intense one with a straight hair and horn-rimmed glasses who does not cross her legs. Oh, Vicki, I have every reason to believe that it is neither the freeze-out one or the horn-rimmed one. As a matter of fact, I'll come right out and say it's a married woman. Oh, dear. It does lead to complications. No idea how complicated it is. The married woman is you. That's the funniest thing I ever heard. Because you're completely ridiculous. In love with me? My darling. You're ridiculous. In love with me? My darling. When a young man in his right mind huffs and puffs and carries on about moonlight rides, I do not diagnose it as asthma. How do you know it's me? He as much as told me. What's in your face? Well, that is where people usually tell me things. He doesn't know that you're married. And he doesn't know that you're married to me. We're educating him to both those startling facts at tea. Well, it's a gasp in the ocean. It's like the second act of a bad play. My very words, polite comedy, no yucks. I'll duck out, severe headache. You tell him, break his heart of my bliss. No, no, no. You stay here, Vicki. After all, you created this situation. You were just too tantalizing in his classroom. I wasn't tantalizing at all. I never opened my mouth. Silent women are the most intriguing in the world, my dear. The Mona Lisa speaks volumes. Well, I was no Mona Lisa either. Come to think of it, I did speak up once. I asked if I could close the window. It was drafty in there. You see, you tantalized him. According to that theory, a woman is deliberately tantalizing if she speaks up or shuts up. I don't think you have a very high opinion of women. On the contrary, Vicki, some of my best friends are women, including my wife and my mother. Well, I don't like women at all. I like fellas. Well, I'm not sure I approve of your use of the plural, but you're going in the right direction. You remember the old Chinese legend of how women were created? No. Or when Tuashti, the creator, wished to give man a helpmate, he found that he used up all his materials creating men. So he fashioned a blend. He took the likeness of the leaf, the glance of the fawn, the gaiety of the sun's ray, the tears of the mist, the inconstancy of the wind, the timidity of the hair, and the vanity of the peacock, the harshness of the diamond, and the softness of the down on the throat of the swallow, the chill of snow, the warmth of fire, the cruelty of the tiger, the sweet flavor of honey, the chatter of the magpie, and the cooing of the turtle dove. He melted all these things together and fashioned women. From that day forth, from that day forth, men have been unable to live without women and unable to live with them. A representative of all the delighted and insulted women of the world. I thank you. You can. Do you remember the last time I was jealous of you? Oh, I certainly do, while you were courting me in London. There was that actor in our company who looked at me cross-eyed once a try. You were furious. I don't even remember his name. I do. It was hyphenated. Colin Mumford Jones. And from that day to this, I haven't been able to abide a hyphen and a name. You know, I remember when I discovered that he wanted to make love to you offstage as well as on. It was that afternoon and we went to visit the National Gallery. In your south? Oh, no, no. Amidst all those beautiful immortal works of art, you south, Toddy. Every beautiful woman in every picture frame was you, Vicki. Oh, darling. I was ready to do battle against all my enemies. Inside and outside the frame. It was one of those rare London days. Do you remember? The sun and a clean blue sky washed by an all-night rain. We walked from your flat all the way to the National Gallery. It's like our National Gallery, Dr. Hall. It's a bit drafty, I'm afraid. I feel so sorry for some of the statisticians reclining women. He didn't over-indulge in overcoats, you'll notice. That is quite a picture. Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt. She looks just like you. That's a very sweet compliment. But do you think I brood that much? And are my eyes really the colour of the Nile? The rivers of all the world do not match your eyes, oh Queen of Egypt. Eyes, the noblest Roman of them all. Julius Caesar. Rex Imperatus tell you this. There is a tide in the affairs of men which taken of the flood leads unto fortune. And you are my fortune, Cleopatra. But what is that Marcus Antonius doing? Looking at you, cross-eyed. Marcus Antonius. Now there's a hyphenated name if I ever heard one. Let's move on to the next picture, Mrs. Caesar. Yet too vicky. Look here, isn't she lovely? Anne Boleyn. Yes, Anne Boleyn, once Queen of England. The beloved, so temporary wife of King Henry VIII. I suppose she looks like me too. Ah, she lives in you. The fire, the magic. Well, you're not fat enough to be Henry VIII. Ah, to the heads, men and women. For you have betrayed me. Whilst I was busy signing documents with Cardinal Woolsey, eating a bear, ten or twelve meals a day, you were Philandering with Lord Renssela Twichler. Renssela Twichler, now there's another hyphenated name. What's your party? The National Gallery, now that's a ridiculous idea. How could this? Oh, oh, yes, yes, it's the door. Yes, it must be our guest. Where were you, Charlie? What were you daydreaming about? Oh, I was sulking in the National Gallery. Oh, and now you've framed me again. Well, go out to the door. I'll set the tea things up in a perfect Isosceles triangle. All right. Good afternoon, Dr. Hall. Oh, come in, Brooke. Oh, no, it's Bentley, Brooke, isn't it? Yes, with a hyphen. I hope I'm not too early. No, no, no, the triangle is all set, and I mean the tea things are all set. It's so kind of you to take an interest in my problems. What? Miss Cromwell? May I present my wife, Miss Cromwell, to you, Mrs. Hall, to me. Hello. Well, this is a surprise. Yes, we thought you'd be surprised. Won't you sit down? Thank you, Mrs. Cromwell. Mrs. Hall. Well, I've known her in my classroom, and it seems a little strange. Suddenly, she's the president's wife. Well, of course, it didn't happen quite as suddenly as you might think. Now, we are all intelligent people, so I think we should come right to the point. Well, it's very kind of you, Dr. Hall, to concern yourself with my personal problem. Well, if it doesn't concern me, I'd like to know whom it does concern. Well, not every college president would be so considerate. Well, my dear sir, not every college president has a wife like mine. I'm sure Collin's life would be more wonderful if they did. Why, Mr. Broad, what a nice compliment. Now, stop tantalizing Vicki. The coincidence of your wife's being in my class makes this a little easier, because you see, she knows the young lady. Yes, I'm sure she... I beg your pardon. She knows the young lady. It's Louise, Miss Turner. You know the blonde one in the front row who always crosses her... Blonde one in the front row. It's a blonde one. Oh, the frizzed-out blonde. You know her too, Dr. Hall? Well, then I think you should meet her. Would you like to? Well, it would be one of the great pleasures of my life. Well, she's right out in the car. In the car? You see, after class today, this was the most amazing coincidence. She came up and invited me to tea. But she promised to wait. I don't mind two teas in one day at all. I shouldn't wonder. You don't think it presumptuous of me to bring her along? No, by no means. And don't keep waiting in the car. Have her come in. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Miss Turner, Louise, won't you come in? Yes, I will. Well, Vicki, don't look so heartbroken. I've lost my touch. I'm no longer Cleopatra. Oh, lost your touch, my eyebrow, wife. I would have fallen in love with you, no matter how much competition your husband was. Man is no taste, makes me furious. Ah, here she is. Dr. Mrs. Hall, may I present Miss Louise Turner? Hello, do call me honey. But, Professor, she's the one who gave me the advice about asking you to tea. I didn't know exactly what you'd do at a tea, but I went ahead and asked him, and well, it worked. Very fresh personality, don't you think? Yes, indeed. Would you come in? Well, we really should be running along. One thing, Dr. Hall, you haven't said yet whether this is protocol, whether it's all right. I hereby make a new college rule. All professors may fall in love with all students, be it spring or fall, be it the season of the nesting of the birds, or the rising of the sat. Oh, thank you, Dr. Hall. And, well, one slight amendment. Both professor and student should preferably be single. Well, then it's all right. Goodbye, Dr. Hall. Goodbye, Mrs. Hall, even most times. Imagine getting a peek inside the powerhouse, and I've only been here three weeks. See, I want to be rooming here. Yes, well, we're off. Where would you like to go, Ms. Turner? Well, to tea, I guess. I'll take you to the odd gallery. She'll hurt Cleopatra and Anne Boleyn. Oh, that's a good suggestion. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, I don't understand it. Why is it that brilliant, apparently erudite men invariably fall for frizzy blondes with gaitolos? But, Donny, you're brilliant. Your erudite has, oh dear. I'll have to practice. Well, you'd like to go to tea, Dr. Hall. Oh, the heck with the tea. It's very nice getting a bottle of beer. When there's beer on your mind, your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. And now here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody. See you next week at the same time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Sandra Gould, Ken Peters, Helen Crutchfield, and Marie Alden. Tonight's script is written by Lawrence and Lee and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and tonight presented transcribed by the Joseph Schlitz-growing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and Carpenter's Peak. Oh, we love that surrounded us. The Great Gilder Sleeve. Then it's Groucho Marks on NBC.