 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeves. Hee hee hee. Each week at this time, Craft presents from Hollywood, California. Harold Perry is the Great Gilder Sleeve. Written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, here's what a prominent government official said about nutrition not long ago. This official said that in times like these, proper nutrition is as important as fighting claims. Yes, we all need the right foods and plenty of them to keep up the pace our great defense effort demands. So you'll be glad to know that Parquet Margarine, made by Craft, is one of the right foods, and that it's so economical, you can use all you need. You see, Parquet Margarine not only has delicious flavor that makes it grand for table use, baking and pan frying, Parquet contains lots of valuable food elements too. Yes, wholesome Parquet Margarine is a highly nutritious food. In fact, one of the best energy foods you can serve. And what's more, every pound of Parquet contains 9,000 units of important vitamin A. But just because Parquet Margarine is good for you, don't think it isn't good tasting. Why Parquet's delicate, appetizing flavor has made it a favorite with families all over the country, both for table use and for cooking. So try it. Buy a pound or two of delicious Parquet Margarine tomorrow. Yes, ask your dealer for Parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the Great Gilder Sleeve and his niece and nephew, Margarine Leroy. They're trying to entertain a friend of Margarine's, Oliver Honeywell, a chap who's taken so many pills that he's beginning to look like one. Today Oliver is the man who came to lunch and stayed through tea and dinner. It's after nine now and a quiz game is in progress. Very good. Very good. Now the next question is for you, Uncle Mort. Okay. I love quizzes. Let's hear it, Leroy. Well, what's the difference between Niagara Falls and your friend Judge Hooker? There's no difference. They're both big drips. No, no, that's wrong. Oh, is it? The difference between them is that Niagara is a mountain fountain and the judge is a legal eagle. Oh, yeah. Well, I see. Now whose turn is it? Your turn next, Oliver. Oh, this one's a sin. Can you tell us who was the third assistant secretary of agriculture in President McKinley's administration? Oh, that wasn't fairly right. No, that's too hard, Leroy. No, no, no, it isn't. Third assistant secretary of agriculture McKinley's administration, uh, Lucius Han Follensby. That's right. I remember. It is? That's great, Oliver. Oliver, that's wonderful. Really, it's nothing. A fellow shouldn't get any credit remembering his own grandfather's name. Boy, you had me fooled for a minute. I thought you were smart. Yes, Leroy. Next is Marjorie's turn. Huh? Cess, what does it mean if you say, throw up the sponge? Um, I give up. Absolutely correct. Oh, very good. Now, the scores so far are Oliver, 27, Marjorie, 19, and Uncle Mort, minus 2. Perfect, young man. What do you mean, minus 2? You answered one question wrong twice. It's twice? Now, here's your chance to make up, Unks. It's an arithmetic. Arithmetic. If Jones buys 50 bales of hay and 100 bushels of barley for $300, and the barley costs four times as much as the hay, how much did each bale cost? Oh, my. Let me get paper and pencil. 50 bales, 100 bushels, $300. Mr. Jones should have bought defense bonds. The idea. Oh, what's that? Happass 9. Leroy, I've got a question for you this time. If 9.30 equals your bedtime, and you haven't done your homework yet, how do you expect to know your lessons tomorrow if you have to go to sleep now? Gee, that's an easy one, Uncle Mort. All those questions I've been asking you, people of my homework. Oh, it's all done. It is? You're a bright boy, Leroy. Say, can we just finish this game, Uncle Mort? Yeah, I sort of lost interest in this game. Gee, I thought it was fun. You would. Now, scamper off to bed, Leroy. Gee, I'm not a bit sleepy. Why can't I stay up? It's the same thing every Sunday night. First, Jack Benny, then Charlie McCarthy, and after that, trying to get Leroy to go to bed. But, Uncle Mort, you stay up a lot later than this. Why can't I? Because you're growing, Leroy, and I'm not. No, maybe not in the same direction as I am. That went up, Leroy. Oh. What? Leave Uncle's waistline out of this. You leave it out. You brought it in. Yep. Children, children, let's drop my waistline. It's dropped too far already. Yeah. Good night, young man. Oh, you're the one who's going to bed. Yes, and let's not discuss it anymore. But, but... That's all, brother. But it isn't fair. I'd like to stay up as late as everybody else. Well, let me see. Can I, Uncle Mort? Promise to go to bed the minute we do? Of course I promise. Then you can remain up as late as Marjorie and I. Boy, that's keen. Well, I'm pretty sleepy right now. How about you, Marjorie? What? Oh, yes, yes. Oh, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Oh, I catch on. It's a trick to make me go to bed now. You've made your bed, Leroy. Now get into it. In that case, maybe I should... I'll get it. Well, if that's my mama, you tell her not to worry, Leroy. It's for me. It's Piggy Banks. Piggy Banks? I don't want to intrude in your private affairs, Leroy, but what is it Piggy Banks wanted to do? Oh, he wanted to come over here tonight to carve out his pumpkin for Halloween. Well, I'd have no objection to that. Yeah, but he wanted to use you for the model. You? You go straight to bed, young man. We're all going to bed now. All right. Well, in that case, maybe I should... Yes, you should, Oliver. Good night. Marjorie, don't let Oliver forget his overcoat tonight. It's awfully chilly, and he might catch something he hasn't got already. Mr. Gillesleve, I didn't bring any overcoat. I didn't expect to be invited for tea and dinner, too. You're invited. Oh, my. I hate to think you'd be going clear across town on the streetcar. Oh, Midget, the streetcar doesn't bother me. It's the waiting and the walking. Yes, and in the dark, too. Say, why don't you stay here for the night, Oliver? Oh, that's a splendid idea. Where can we put him, Uncle Moore? On the sofa in the study. It's the kind that collapses into a bed. No, thanks, really. I don't think I should. Why not? I'll fix you up with a pair of my pajamas. Oh, I don't think I could sleep in a strange pair of pajamas. Yes. Besides that, don't you think there'd be a trifle large? Oh, come, come, Oliver. It'll be fun, like sleeping in a tent. Yes. Well, I'll bring out a couple of stare blankets and a pillow. Oh, never mind the pillow, Midget. I'm allergic to feathers. Feathers? Is that so? Oh, yes. You know, I have it so bad I even break out with spots when I eat chicken broth. Well, you better telephone your parents and tell them you won't be home tonight, Oliver. Oh, yes, I better. Otherwise, Mama'd have to send Pop out to look for me. Then she'd have to go out to look for Papa. Well, I'll get the blanket. Oh, hello, Mama. Mama, this is Oliver. Yes. What's that? Papa's been out looking for me already. Well, it isn't ten yet, Mama. Oh, we want to get an early start. You better go find him, Mama. Try the place on the corner. Oh, not the drugstore. The place in the other corner. I don't know why he always goes there. I never do. Well, you just push open the doors and call in. What? Oh, I'm still at Midget's house. Mama, they invited me to spend the night here. On account I didn't bring an overcoat. I did? I must have left them a streetcar, huh? Well, I got my pills. Don't worry, I'll keep out of drafts. Good night, Mama. Poor Mama. You know, she doesn't seem to realize it. I'm a big boy now. No, it's very hard to believe, Oliver. Oh, I almost forgot here. What's this nickel for? It's for the phone call. I never like to be on the obligations to people. Yes, I can see that. Everything's ready for you, Oliver. Go right in and make yourself comfortable, Oliver. I'm going to lock up. Oh, be sure all the downstairs windows are fast, Uncle Mort. There have been some burglars in the neighborhood lately. Burn? Don't worry, Oliver. Go right in and get ready for bed. If a burglar ever saw you in my pajamas, he'd put back everything he took. I wonder who built these windows. My company? My bunion. Oh, I almost forgot to wind the kitchen clock. Somebody already wound it. Oh, excuse me, Esop. I didn't mean to step on your tail. Now, Scat Cat, scram. Go outside. Yes, a burglar would need three policemen to help him get in here. Excuse me, I guess it was the company we had for dinner. Well, see you in the morning. Good night, Uncle Mort. What, you still up? Good night, Leroy. Good night, Uncle Roy. Good night. What's that? Oh, good night, Oliver. What's that? A fire. Oh, boy, I haven't done one for years, and I just love to go to blazes. Excuse me, I should have known. This way. Yeah, thanks. Now, let's hurry outside. The fire will be out before we are. See, this is fun. Hey, Marge, let's go. Here's another one. Oh, excuse me, I should have known. This way. Yeah, thanks. I'm home. Hey, Marge, let's go. Here's Uncle Roy. Yeah, let's get Oliver. Do you think he'd be interested? Sure, it'll be a tonic for his nerves. Oh, Oliver. Yes, Mom, I'm getting off. I'm not your mama. Come on outside with us. Hurry up. What's wrong? There's a fire, Oliver. Fire? Oh, my goodness. Come on, let's go. Wait for us, Oliver. Leroy, bring Oliver's shoes. Come on, Marjorie. Come back here. Where's the fire? Is it coming this way? No, we're going that way. Come on. Oh, thanks, Leroy. All right. Let's not spend all night here. The fire won't wait for us, you know. Oliver, you can tie your shoe laces afterward. As you say, Mr. Gilaltry. Oh. On second thought, Oliver, you'd better tie him now. I might as well now that I'm down. Gee, this is the latest I've been out since the night I went walking in my sleep. Yeah. Well, let's take a quick look at the fire and scoot back to bed. I wonder whose house it is. Well, we'll soon see. I think the engine's right around the corner. They are? Oh, I see a lot of people. Yes, there they are. Gee, look at all the neighbors. There's nothing like a good fire to bring out all the best people. Everybody must have got enough. Huh? Oh, look. There's Edie Quinn wearing the same kimono she wore to that fire last year. Yes. We can't even. Well, here we are. I don't see any fire. I better find out what this is all about. Let me through here, please. Excuse me, lady. Oh. Pardon me, Chief, but could you direct me to the fire? Mr. I wish you could direct me. We can't find it. Oh. Well, it may be a little unprofessional, but have you asked anybody? Yes. Say, that's an idea. Thanks. Oh, it's all right. Uh, quiet, please. Let's have quiet, everybody. Yes, quiet. Now, did anyone here turn in a fire alarm? No. Excuse me. I was the one who called. Oh, hello, Mrs. Beasley. But where's the fire? Oh, there isn't any fire. My poor little cat is stranded on top of that telephone pole up there. What? Oh, good grief. Madam, do you mean you got us all out of bed and dragged the fireman away from their gin-rummy game? Just a look at a cat? Disappointed because someone's home isn't burning down. What? I know who you are. You're the man who does want to set the world on fire. No, see here, Mrs. Oh, this is Mrs. Beasley, Uncle Mort. Mrs. Beasley, this is my uncle. And Mr. Gilles, this is Lee. How do you do? It's armed, I'm sure. No, see here, Mrs. Beasley. What do you mean by waking up the whole neighborhood? I'll take it easy, mister. I won't take it easy. Chief, are you going to waste the taxpayers' money climbing telephone poles for Tomcats? Well, what's wrong with that? Give me a reason why you should go to all that trouble. Sure, I'll give you a reason. This lady happens to be the mayor's sister-in-law. Yeah, just as I thought, politics. Hey, boys, get out the 40-footer and bring down that cat. Thank you, Chief. I'll see that my brother-in-law hears about this. Yes, and I'll see that the newspapers hear about it, too. I'll write letters to the editors, and I'll write a nasty letter, Madam. And as for you, Chief, you're paid to fight fires, not to go sky-hooting around town all night. Now, I've heard enough out of you, Fatso. If you don't pipe down, I'll turn you over to the police, you big false alarm. I'm a false alarm. You little brass pole polisher. Take off that fireman's uniform and say that. Now, don't get so hot under the collar, Beatdress, or I'll have the boys cool you up with a hose. I'm not afraid of you and all your little squirts. You twitch a thumb at me, and I'll push that tin hat of yours so far down you'll have to breathe through a straw. Well, now you have gone too far. Go good. Here, hold my coat. That suits me. Oliver. Yes, Mr. Gillisley? Keep off the grass. You'll get your feet wet. Put down on the mortal. Oh, thank goodness. Where's the lady that owns the cat? Right here, Kelsey. Now I've seen everything. The idea. Using thousands of dollars worth of fire equipment, waking up hundreds of people in the middle of the night just to snag a mangy cat off a telephone pole. Here it is, lady. Savings on. Thank you very much. Oh, dear, me, this isn't my cat at all. Well, now it isn't even her cat. Lady, if you aren't... Yes, Uncle Mort. Yes. What's wrong, Marjorie? I'll tell you what's wrong, Mr. Gillisley. This is your cat. Our cat? Yes. Esop? Is that a hop? Oh, my goodness. Let's get home. Come on, children. Come on, Esop. Eh, goodbye, Chief. Thank you, boys, for doing a noble and humane deed. Ah, go back to bed, you big mattress. Come on, let us go. I don't like the way he said that. Too bad there wasn't a fire. We could have at least gotten warm. Oliver, don't you dare catch a chill. I'll try my best not to mention wish I brought along my cold pills. Let's hurry into the house, Oliver. We'll fix you up a nice hot cup of... Well, what can you drink a nice hot cup of? Water, if it's the stills. Well, it'll be nice to get back into a nice warm bed. Open the door, Leroy. Okay. Locked. Why didn't I go home on the same time? I don't get excited. Don't be nervous. Take it easy, everybody. I have the key right here. Right here, in my pants pocket. Oh, no. No what? No pants. I'm just wearing pajamas. Here, let me try that door. Oh, no shoes either. Maybe it's stuck. No, we're stuck, Oliver. The wind must have blown its shut. Well, I guess the joke's on us. I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis, leave. I don't get it. You keep asking questions like that, Oliver, and you'll get it all right. There must be a window around the side or in back that I could climb into. Before we went to bed, I made sure that everything was locked. It's tight as a drum and a bagpipe band. Oh, wait a minute. We forgot something. I know how we can get in. You do? Well, what is it? Birdie. Clever girl, Marjorie. Birdie. Yeah, come on, everybody. Where are we going now, midget? We're going to see if we can wake Birdie or me. Yes. Oh, too many birdies. Let me do a show. Oh, Birdie. Birdie, will you please come downstairs and open the front door? Go. Birdie is locked out, and so is Marjorie and Leroy and Oliver. What an unfortunate coincidence. Yeah, Birdie, quit stalling and hurry down here. I would if I could, Mr. Gillis, leave, but I just can't. Why can't you? Because I'm locked out, too. What? Birdie, aren't you upstairs? No, sir, I'm right here on the back door. Oh, this is a pretty pickle of fish. How did you get locked out? Well, I just got home from a large meeting. Yeah. You know, the mysterious and bewildered orders of the daughters of Cleopatra. Yes. This speaks. You are? Yes, and I found the back door bolted. You know, that's contrary to the customary procedure. Yes, well, I wonder if the people next door have got a past key. Oh, they went away on their weekend. Oh, I'm getting terribly cold. Maybe I'd better go home after all. No, Oliver, we'll get inside and two shakes of a jiffy. The only trouble is all the downstairs windows are locked. If we could only reach the second floor. If you boost me up, I can climb this tree and then crawl out on that branch and drop down on the roof of the porch there. Who do you think you is, Neroid? A superman man? Yes. No, I won't let you risk your neck, my boy. You're too young. I do it myself only. Why ruin a tree that never did me any harm? Oh, dear, isn't it too bad that we don't have anyone big enough and thin enough to come to our rescue? It's getting colder, isn't it? You know, I can't help thinking what King Arthur, one of his knights, would do on a case like this. Yes, I believe it is getting colder. Why? He'd leap off his horse, spring to the tree and just swarm up to his lady love's window. If I'd only brought along some of my vitality tablets. Oh, what's the use? Oliver, why don't you go climb a tree? Who, me? You know I get dizzy spells from high places. Oliver, it's really very easy. You can do it with your eyes shut. Oh, I don't like this. Give me a boost up, honk. Can't you see he's raring to go? Raring to go home. Come, Oliver, you've got to be brave. Pull up my pajamas. No, I mean the ones you're wearing. Yeah, now tighten your belt. I didn't say yes. You shook your head. Can I help it up by shivering the affirmative? Now you take his other leg, Leroy. Careful now. There we go. Grab hold of the branch, Oliver, right above you. Don't drop me, I bruise evil. Yeah. It's all right, I'm right below you. Now just pull yourself up. No, no, Oliver, go the other way. You're getting out on the wrong limb. Gee, if I only had my slingshot here, I'd have them in the right direction quick enough. Leroy. Keep going, Oliver, you're doing fine. Oh, what are you stopping for now? The spring of my pajamas, bro. Congratulations, Oliver. I never thought you'd make it. How about it, Missy Witchy? Am I as good as any night? Oh, yes, Oliver, you're wonderful. By George for a weeknight, he finished strong on Sunday. All right, Oliver, now just climb in one of the windows and all our troubles will be over. Mr. Gildesley, I've got bad news for you. What? There aren't any windows over the porch. What? A porch without windows? I never heard of such a thing. Let me look. Well, that's one for Ripley. You better come on down, Oliver. Oh, I can't reach that limb again. Jeepers, we've stranded Oliver. Is that bad? Now what are we going to do, Uncle? Well, there's only one thing to do. I've got to get a ladder someplace. And a piece of spring! Yes. The people in the back got a nice big ladder. Why don't you just push it foot over the bar? Thanks, Bertie. I suppose that's all I can do. Children, you just stay where you are. And Oliver, don't go away. Very funny. I'll be back as soon as I can, Oliver. Fine state of affairs when a man can't break into his own home. Well, that's what you get for chasing fires in the middle of the woods. Oh, it's you, Esau. Out of my way, you slimy snake in the grass. Now let me see. There's a loose board somewhere along this fence. Ah, there it is. Tight squeeze, Rockmorton. You should really cut out the starches. I wonder where that ladder is. It's dark here. It's the back of a coal miner's neck. Who's there? Speak up or I'll shoot. Oh, hello. Don't shoot, Mrs. Beasley. It's only me, Mr. Gildersleeve. What are you doing in my backyard at this time of night? What am I doing here? Oh, yes. We were locked out of our house, Mrs. Beasley. Do you happen to have a ladder I could borrow? It's in the shed. In the shed's lock. Well, then, if you could find the key and kind of throw it down to me, I... I would be very nervous. Waking me up, scaring me half to get them and having them called. Uh, what did you say, Mrs. Beasley? Wait where you are, Mr. Gildersleeve. I'll be right there. Yeah, lovely. Well, when the break at last. This time we're all set, T.P. Well, are you Mr. Gildersleeve? Right underneath your window, Mrs. Beasley. Directly underneath? Yes, directly underneath. Well, then, catch. Oh! There's dew on the grass. I hope Uncle Mort doesn't get his feet damp. Hey, sis, I did it all right, all right. Boy, that was a thrill. Well, it's only a matter of minutes now. Well, Oliver... A few minutes before I freeze. I wish I brought a pair. Who'd that be? It's me, your Uncle Throckmorton. If I ever lay hands on that Beasley woman, I'll kill that old cow. Well, Uncle, you're soaked. What happened? She lured me underneath her window and then threw a bucket of water on me. Don't you worry. They'll have you in the house and dry inside of five minutes. Oh, you got the door open? No, not yet, but soon. Poor Oliver's been freezing on that roof. He's freezing? Yes, so I simply roi'd down to the corner to ring the fire alarm. Oh, fine. Oh, my goodness. What'll the Chief say when he sees me this time? Can't you stop him, Leroy? I don't think so. In fact, I'm sure I can. Oh, my, here we go. Okay, where is it? Oh, hello, Chief. Well, here, just in time. Look. Where? I just brushed a cat on a pole and now a guy on the roof. Who's responsible for this call? Well, it was like this, Chief. Well, if it isn't the taxpayer's best friend in the fire department, Sir Beerus Critic. Huh? Hi, Mr. Gildersleeve. Yeah, hi. Been writing any letters to the newspapers? No. Now, stop teething, Uncle Moore, Chief. He's just soaked to the skin. Yeah, and that takes an awful lot of territory. Yeah. How about saving those cracks for the fireman's minstrel show and getting our front door open? Oh, is that what you want? Why didn't you say so? Hey, Max, bring an axe. We've got a door to chop down. No, no, no. Can't you just send up a man in a ladder to one of the windows on the second floor? Oh, never mind the axe, Max. Bring a ladder. Okay. Say, Chief, there's a cellar door open around on the other side. The cellar door's been open all this time. Oh, I could kick myself. We could help you with that, too. Here. Thank you just the same, no. Say, boys, I'm awfully sorry about this whole thing. Let me make some amends, huh? How about you all coming in for coffee and sandwiches? Huh, won't you? Hey, come on. Just for good old Gildersleeve. Okay, sure. Yeah, come on, come on, come on. Have another cup of coffee, Chief? No, no, thanks. I've had two already. You've had four, but have another, anyhow. Sandwich, Mr. Gildersleeve? No, no, no. I'm full clear up to here. Incidentally, I made sure that cellar door was locked tight this time. Thanks, Mr. Gildersleeve. Well, this has been swell, Mr. Gildersleeve, but now we'd better be getting back, boys. Hey, hey, you guys in the kitchen. Let's get wheeling. Okay, Chief. Well, hey. Goodbye, boys. Thanks for everything. And if I ever have a fire, you'll be the first people I'll call in. I like firemen. Say, Uncle Mort, can I go out and watch them leave? Sure, we'll all go out and wave goodbye to them. Come on, Marjorie. Hey, you too, Bertie. Okay, Uncle Mort. Yeah. Well, thanks for the hospitality. So long, boys. Don't take any wooden fire plugs. Yeah, nice fellas. Well, let's get back in. There they go. It's colder out. Catch the door, Bertie. It's quick. This is where we didn't come in. The great Gildersleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, let me remind you that next Friday is Halloween, and a few mothers are the kind that worry about the children being often getting into mischief. Here's a worthwhile suggestion for you. Keep the kids at home with a well-stocked pantry. Yes, if you have plenty of popcorn and cookies and cakes on hand, you can be sure the kids won't go very far away. Now, to make popcorn extra good, drench it with plenty of melted parquet margarine made by Kraft. Yes, that delicate tempting flavor that makes parquet a favorite for table use makes it delicious on popcorn, too. And remember, use parquet margarine in the cookies and cakes you bake. It makes them tastier because it's a real flavor shortening, not just a bland, tasteless fat. And not just at Halloween, but the year-round, parquet margarine provides your family with wholesome, nourishing food values. Yes, parquet margarine is a highly nutritious energy food that contains important vitamin A. So use parquet margarine made by Kraft all three ways, at the table for baking and for pan frying. It's delicious, it's nourishing, it's economical. Tomorrow, ask your dealer for a pound or two of parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, our time's up. Good night. Good night. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Bannon speaking for The Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at the same time for the further adventures of The Great Childers League. This is The National Broadcasting Company.