 Good health to all from Rexall. Yes, it's Sunday. Time for the Phil Harris Alice Facial, presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggists. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist, taking a little time from behind the prescription counter this Sunday evening to speak for all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 independent druggists who have added the word Rexall to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. The sign means that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin and there is fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We independent druggists recommend them to our customers because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Facial, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet. With Elliot Lewis, Robert North, Jeanine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharp and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This morning while Phil was sleeping, Mr. Scott of the Rexall company called and told Alice that he was going to drop in and see Phil about a matter of importance. Phil has just come down and Alice is relaying Mr. Scott's message to him. He didn't say what he wanted, Phil. He just said he'll tell you when he gets here. Wonder what Mr. Scott has on his mind? Could he be mad at me for something? No. What could I have done that he'd be mad about? Maybe he heard your show last week. Well, if it ain't the first Daffodil of spring. Little Petunia Head. Phil, do you think Willie could be right? Is it possible that the Rexall people are unhappy with the way you're doing the show? Unhappy with me? Oh, Ruby, relax. Everybody says I'm the hottest thing to hit the airwaves since Jessica, Dragonette. Let me tell you something, Willie. Maybe you don't like me on the air, but plenty of people think I'm great. And if you don't believe me, ask anybody. Anybody at all. Like who? Like my two kids. Hey, girls, come in here a minute. If you want the truth, ask a child. They'll give it to you straight. What do you want, Daddy? Phyllis, I want to ask you a question and I want you to give me an unbiased answer. Now, who do you think is the greatest performer on the radio? Mommy. Let's try it again and this time put it on the bias. Now, who do you think is the greatest? The greatest? Michelle, stop waving that $5 bill under her nose. Phyllis takes after me. She has a strong mind and money won't make her change it. Try me, Daddy. I take after Uncle Willie. I don't say anything for five bucks. Make it five because ten you ain't gonna get. Not only that, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to bribe you. I'm not trying to bribe you. You can keep the $5 no matter what you say. All I want to know is who is the greatest performer I better rephrase that. Why take chances? Now, who is the funniest man on the Rexall radio show? Uncle Frankie. Give me back that $5 you're gonna get from me. My own children. I'd have done better asking Ozzie and Harriet's kids. Does anything to do with your ability? Perhaps Mr. Scott is a little annoyed with your brashness. You haven't been as respectful as you should be to your boss. Well, maybe I have been too irrepressible. Maybe I... Uh-oh, that must be Mr. Scott. Well, if it's respect he wants, I'll pour it on. Oh, good morning, sir. I am your humble servant. Your wish is my command. Don't make me a mint julep, James. Oh, it's you, Frankie. Come on in. I thought you were Mr. Scott, the sponsor. You're gonna be nasty. I'll go out again. What's the sponsor coming over here for? I don't know. It's got me worried, too. You know that Scott could be coming over here to fire me. If you don't know, why look at the black side of things? Maybe his coming over here has nothing to do with your job. Maybe it's a simple thing that has nothing to do with the show. Like what? Maybe he's in love with Alice and wants you to give her a divorce. Frankie, I'm in no mood for this this time of morning. Let's be serious. Don't you realize that my job... No, no, that's Mr. Scott. Why don't you bring it? Oh, hello, Frankie. Hello, Alice. Curly seems to be worried about his job and I was chairing him up. You're being very silly. You're building things up in your own mind without knowing what it's about. Has it ever occurred to you that Mr. Scott might be happy with you on the show? Oh, Alice, you and your wild ideas. No, it's not wild at all. Bill's doing a good job on the show. He's selling lots of Rexall products and he's helped their business. I think maybe Mr. Scott is coming over to give him a slight increase in salary. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I've helped his business and in appreciation, he's given me a slight increase in... A slight increase? Why that in? Great. I tripped in his business. Tripped in his business. And all he wants to give me is a slight increase. Why I never... Well, I'm not going to let him get away with it. That way till I see him a slight increase. That's him now. I can't wait to tell him all. Good morning, Mr. Harris. You cheapskate! After all I've done for you, you have the nerve to offer me a measly $2 raise. Perhaps I'd better come back when he's sober. See you later, Harris. Oh, don't go, Mr. Scott. Please come in. Oh, very well, Mrs. Harris. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Scott. I was a little bit excited. But I... Well, I can't wait to find out why you came to see me now. Tell me, Mr. Scott, are you here to give me a raise? Oh, come now, Clyde. Well, Mr. Scott, you're not here to fire me, are you? No. No, but when I get back to the office, I'll drop it in the suggestion box. No, Harris. No, I am not here to fire you. Well, then why did you come over? Wait a minute. If you think I'll give Alice a divorce, you're crazy. Well, what are you talking about? Harris, before this gets completely out of hand, I'd better tell you exactly why I'm here. Well, I certainly wish you would. I want to ask you if you would be... Hey, Curly, what kind of a host are you? You leave me standing inside you. Oh, it's the prime rib himself. Well, if it isn't rimly, the no-talent kid. That's a pretty nasty remark. So you've come over to fire my pal, Curly, huh? Scotty, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I don't like you. I don't like you. I just said that. Don't be a copycat. Frankie, will you please stop? The man didn't come here. Curly, listen, I didn't mind when he fired me, but when he fires my best friend, he's got me to answer to. Rimly, rimly, he ain't firing me. Scotty, pay no attention to Frankie. You see, the poor kid doesn't know what he's saying. You see his mind. You mean he's... like a bag of cashews. He's a psychiatric case. Caused by the fact that he hates his father. He hates his father? I should think it would be the other way around. The suspense any longer. Mr. Scott, what did you come over to see Phil about? Well, it's like this. Well, Mr. Scott, sir, I'm glad to see you, sir. You're looking exceedingly well, sir. Willie, stop crawling toward him. William, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at your desk at the Rexall office? Well, I just dropped in to see my sister, sir. On our time, naughty, naughty. Well, I was just leaving, sir. Goodbye, Mr. Scott. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye, Willie. Ah, good man, that William. He thinks of nothing but the company's interest. It's heartwarming. I think it's sickening. The way he fawns over you and Rexall. Remly, you work for Rexall, too, you know. It wouldn't hurt for you to have a little pride in our fine company of 10,000 independent drugists, those men who sell our 2,000 drug products, and strive to maintain... All right, don't drag it out. I got pride in the company. Have you ever bought one of our drug products? No. Well, the least you can do is buy one of our drugs. What for? I'm not sick. What do you want me to do? Go out of my way to get a malady just so I can use your drugs? Remly, I'm not asking you to go out of your way to get a malady. But if you have a chance at one, don't turn it down. Mr. Scott, never mind, Frankie. Look, Mr. Scott, why did you come to see me? Well, it's about my daughter. Her school is giving a dance, and she's on the entertainment committee, and she insists that your band play for the dance. Is that all? Oh, gee. Oh, gee, that'll be an honor. Of all the bands to choose from, she picks mine. Tell me, why does she like my band so much? She's tone deaf. By the way, Mrs. Harris, would you consent to come along and sing a few numbers for the kid? Well, it'll be a pleasure. Oh, thank you. The entertainment committee is meeting at the school gym in about an hour. I wonder if you two would mind coming over to discuss the program with me. Oh, sure, we'll be over. I'll be there, too, Scotty. Oh. Goodie. Don't put yourself out, Remly. Ah, it's no trouble at all. I'll bring my guitar. Well, we could use your guitar. You want me to play, huh? No, no, but after the dance, they're having a weenie roast, and they'll need some wood to start the fire. See you folks at the gym. Goodbye. Goodbye. I think I've been insulted. Phil, what do you think I ought to sing at the dance? What do you think the kids will like? They'll like anything you do, honey. Hey, how about the tune you were rehearsing today? You know the one that goes... You better let me do it, Pat. Yeah, you can't stand it. Johnny, get your girl. Tap her on the shoulder. Tap her on the shoulder. Say you'd like to hold her. Johnny, get your girl. Walk her in the moonlight. If you've got no moonlight, talk about a new life. Don't wait for introductions. Don't be so full. Just step right a little bold. Give romance a whirl. On the shoulder, gee, now I feel a little bolder. What's a fella gonna do? Then you just talk about a June night. It's nice of you and Mrs. Harris to come over to the gym. Remly couldn't make it, eh? You'll be here soon. He went home to get his guitar. The girl, she's your daughter, Mr. Scott. Oh, they're both mine. This is little Lori. She's just eight years old. She sort of tags along after her sister. Oh, hello, Lori. How are you, honey? Oh, I feel fine because I use Rexall drugs to keep me healthy. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Marjorie, I want you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Harris. Hello, Marjorie. How do you do, Mrs. Harris? Hi, Margie. Gee, that's all right. Hey, Margie, your dad tells me that you insisted on having my band play at your dance. Uh, why did you pick me? Who else is there? I can just picture you in a tuxedo. You must look terrific. Oh, no, I don't. I bet you do. No, really, I don't. But you must. Marjorie, have you ever seen Curly in a tuxedo? No, I haven't. Well, I haven't. The boy knows what he's talking about. I don't think it's very nice of you to contradict Mr. Scott. Uh, Mr. Harris, please pay no attention to Marjorie. She's only 16 and anything looks good to her. Now, why don't you and Mrs. Harris come along and meet some of the other girls? Oh, Daddy, why don't you and Mrs. Harris go alone? I want to discuss the, um, uh, dance with Mr. Harris. You go with Daddy, Laurie. Well, okay, but Margie... What? I don't think Curly's as good-looking as you said he was. We'll see you later. Hmm, poor little kid. Only eight years old and already she's so nearsighted. Well, Margie, what kind of music would you like at the dance? Now, we can give you Dixieland four beat or, uh, how about a little bebop with a lumbardo float? Sure, what's on your mind? Well, I hope you won't misunderstand me, but, well, we moderns believe that curbing one's emotions can result in a serious frustration that tends to impair one's psychological development. Don't you agree? Yes, allegorically speaking. But perusing it superficially, I find retrochorical. I love algebra, don't you? You might not believe me when I say this, but I think you're charming and handsome and the most wonderful man in the world. Yeah, but what were you going to tell me that I might not believe? Love with you. You're in what with who? You hate me for feeling that way, do you? No, it's a perfectly normal feminine reaction. But Margie, let's face it, this is madness. No, honey, I'm not honest, I'm not. But you're a little too late, kid. I've already been spoken for. Oh, look, Margie, you just got a schoolgirl crush. You'll get over it. I ain't sayin' you'll ever be the same again. Honey, you'll survive. Don't you like me just a little bit? Sure, I like you. I think you're a swell kid, but, but, well, I'm a happily married man. Are you happy? Are you happy being married to an older woman? Oh, she's not that much older than I am. Look, if you'll excuse me, Margie, I think, I think, well, I think I hear Alice calling me. I'll see you around, Margie. How revarsory. Oh, he's so irresistible. Margie, don't you think it's about time you got started? Margie, you look sick, what's the matter? Daddy, I'm in love. Oh, that again. Who's the lucky boy this time? Phil Harris. Oh, no. Oh, Scotty, what's all the excitement about? As if you didn't know, you old Rua. My daughter just told me she's in love with you. Well, it ain't my fault. Besides what you got to get excited about, she's just a schoolgirl with a crush. She'll forget about me tomorrow. I refuse to be tortured that long. Certainly got the mumbles, I mean. Oh, why couldn't I have been born homely? Mad about. Now, look, Alice, you'll never know I'm in trouble, and I know you'll be sympathetic. Honey, Mr. Scott's daughter is in love with me. Oh, that poor girl. Don't mind the poor girl, just think of me. Scott's threatened to bar me from radio unless I can make her forget me before we leave here. Now, look, Alice, you've got to talk to her. Try to convince her that I'm not as wonderful as I am. But, honey, do it in a nice way. Oh, Phil, Phil, she's headed this way. You duck behind this post and let me handle her. Go ahead. Right behind you? Yeah, go ahead, go on now. I'll fix everything, but good. Oh, Mrs. Harris, didn't I just see Mr. Harris here? Where'd he go? Oh, he'll be right back, Marjorie. He just stepped out to adjust his girdle. Middle-aged spread. All men get a little pointy when they reach the halfway mark. Halfway mark? My mother used to take me to see her picture. Mr. Harris can't be a day over 30. He doesn't have a wrinkle on his face. Plastic surgery does wonders. You mean he's had his face lifted? Only four times. All I did was go in and get an estimate once. Mrs. Harris, did he really have his face lifted that much? Oh, yes. In fact, he overdid it. Last time he had to go back and have it lowered. His nose was lifted so high every time he sneezed, he blew his hat off. Oh, now she's reaching. If he were as old as you say, he couldn't sing the way he does. His voice has such a wonderful quiver. Upper plate wobble. Upper plate, I got one lousy little bridge. Mrs. Harris, I'm sorry, but I don't believe a word you say. You're very fortunate to be married to such a wonderful man. And if he were mine, I couldn't talk about him the way you do. Goodbye. That's telling her, Margie. Well, Phil, you can come out now. I'm sorry it didn't work, but I tried. Oh, yeah, you tried, you tried. To hear you talk, you think you were married to an old Essex. That didn't do any good, either. Oh, Alice, how am I going to discourage her? I can't... Hey, wait a minute, Remli. He's the guy that can get me out of this, Remli. I'm sorry, I'm late, but I had to... Oh, Frankie, you're just the guy I'm looking for. Uh-oh, there's dirty work of foot. Remli, you've got to do me a big favor. Mr. Scott's daughter has fallen madly in love with me. And, Remli, you've got to take her off my hands. Oh, no, wait a minute, Curly, I ain't gonna... Now, Remli, if you don't do this for me, I'm going to lose my job. Look, she's over there with those other girls. Just go over and ask for Miss Scott. Make up to her, Remli. All right, I'll do it for you, but I don't like it one bit. What do you want me to tell her? Tell her anything. Tell her you're in love with her. Can't live without her, and you want to marry her. You know, routine number three. Lay it on her. Oh, all right, okay. Things I'd do for that guy. Oh, well, she probably won't be interested. She goes for Curly. She won't like the Tyrone power type like me. I'll just tell her that... Hello, Mr. Somebody talking to me? Oh, get down there. Hey, kid, maybe you can help me. Where can I find Mr. Scott's daughter? I... You're... Ooh, I gotta have a talk with Curly. Look, kid, are you sure you're Mr. Scott's daughter? Yes. I don't get it, but Curly asked me to do it. So here you go. Laurie, I'm madly in love with you, and I want to marry you. What do you say? Okay. Exist me a little, will you? Don't you know you're supposed to play hard to get? Why? I always wanted to get married, and you're the church wedding. Look, Laurie, let's not rush into this. I may not be the one for you. Shop around a little. Brachy Remly. Why? No, wait a minute, kid, come back. I'm the happiest man in the world. You're sure you're no longer in love with Mr. Harris? Definitely not, Daddy. Mrs. Harris made me realize that he's pretty old. Why, by the time I'm 30, he'll be almost 90. Well, I'm glad you saw the light. Now I can face the world again. What a relief. Daddy, can I talk to you? Yes, Laurie, what is it, dear? Well, you're a little too young to... Wait a minute. Laurie, please. Please tell me it's not Phil Harris. Oh, thank goodness. Who are you in love with, dear? What's the little boy's name? Fred! Oh, no! August is waiting on a customer. Okay, there you are. Anything else now? Better put in a tube of that salve my husband uses. He squeezed the one he has now with everything short of a steam roller. Well, he can't possibly be as rough on it as Rexall scientists are. Why? How's that? Well, a tube that contains a drug product has to be made of extra strong, yet flexible material. It's got to be able to take bending rolling and squeezing without cracking open. But even the right material from that standpoint will sometimes cause a chemical change in the product when that happens. Rexall men of science must find a suitable liner. Of what? A liner, a thin coating inside the tube that keeps the product from touching it. Then to make sure that all three will stand up under all usual conditions. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.