 Chapter 15 Sunday evening. As the day wore on, the lifeblood seemed to ebb away from Ursula, and within the emptiness a heavy despair gathered. Her passion seemed to bleed to death, and there was nothing. She sat suspended in a state of complete nullity, harder to bear than death. "'Unless something happens,' she said to herself, in the perfect lucidity of final suffering, "'I shall die. I am at the end of my line of life.' She sat, crushed, and obliterated, in a darkness that was the border of death. She realized how all her life she had been drawing nearer and nearer to this brink where there was no beyond, from which one had to leap like Sappho into the unknown. The knowledge of the imminence of death was like a drug. Darkly, without thinking at all, she knew that she was near to death. She had traveled all her life along the line of fulfillment, and it was nearly concluded. She knew all she had to know. She had experienced all she had to experience. She was fulfilled in a kind of bitter ripeness. There remained only to fall from the tree into death, and one must fulfill one's development to the end, must carry the adventure to its conclusion. And the next step was over the border into death. So it was then. There was a certain peace in the knowledge. After all, when one was fulfilled, one was happiest in falling into death, as a bit of fruit plunges in its ripeness downwards. Death is a great consummation, a consummating experience. It is a development from life. That we know while we are yet living, what then need we think for further? One can never see beyond the consummation. It is enough that death is a great and conclusive experience. Why should we ask what comes after the experience, when the experience is still unknown to us? Let us die, since the great experience is the one that follows now upon all the rest, death. Which is the next great crisis in front of which we have arrived. If we wait, if we balk the issue, we do but hang about the gates in undignified uneasiness. There it is, in front of us, as in front of Sappho, the illimitable space. Therein to goes the journey. Have we not the courage to go on with our journey? Must we cry, I dent. On ahead we will go into death and whatever death may mean. If a man can see the next step to be taken, why should he fear the next but one? Why ask about the next but one? Of the next step we are certain. It is the step into death. I shall die. I shall quickly die," said Ursula to herself, clear as if in a trance, clear, calm, and certain beyond human certainty. But somewhere behind in the twilight there was a bitter weeping and hopelessness. That must not be attended to. One must go where the unfaltering spirit goes. There must be no balking the issue because of fear. No balking the issue, no listening to the lesser voices. If the deepest desire be now to go on into the unknown of death, shall one forfeit the deepest truth for one more shallow, then let it end," she said to herself. It was a decision. It was not a question of taking one's life. She would never kill herself. That was repulsive and violent. It was a question of knowing the next step. And the next step led into the space of death. Did it, or was there—her thoughts drifted into unconsciousness. She sat as if asleep beside the fire, and then the thought came back. The space of death. Could she give herself to it? Ah, yes. It was asleep. She had had enough, so long she had held out, and resisted. Now was the time to relinquish, not to resist any more. In a kind of spiritual trance she yielded. She gave way, and all was dark. She could feel within the darkness the terrible assertion of her body, the unutterable anguish of dissolution, the only anguish that is too much, the far-off, awful nausea of dissolution set in within the body. Does the body correspond so immediately with the spirit? she asked herself. And she knew, with the clarity of ultimate knowledge, that the body is only one of the manifestations of the spirit. The transmutation of the integral spirit is the transmutation of the physical body as well. Unless I set my will, unless I absolve myself from the rhythm of life, fix myself and remain static, cut off from living, absolved within my own will. But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions. To die is to move on with the invisible. To die is also a joy, a joy of submitting to that which is greater than the known, namely the pure unknown. That is a joy. But to live mechanized and cut off within the motion of the will, to live as an entity absolved from the unknown, that is shameful and ignominious. There is no ignominy in death. There is complete ignominy in an unreplenished, mechanized life. Life indeed may be ignominious, shameful to the soul, but death is never a shame. Death itself, like the illimitable space, is beyond our sullying. Tomorrow was Monday. Monday, the beginning of another school week, another shameful barren school week, mere routine and mechanical activity, was not the adventure of death infinitely preferable, was not death infinitely more lovely and noble than such a life. A life of barren routine, without inner meaning, without any real significance, how sordid life was, how it was a terrible shame to the soul to live now, how much cleaner and more dignified to be dead, one could not bear any more of this shame of sordid routine and mechanical nullity. One might come to fruit in death. She had had enough. The where was life to be found. No flowers grow upon busy machinery. There is no sky to a routine. There is no space to a rotary motion. And all life was a rotary motion, mechanized, cut off from reality. There was nothing to look for from life. It was the same in all countries and all peoples. The only window was death. One could look out onto the great dark sky of death with elation, as one had looked out of the classroom window as a child and seen perfect freedom in the outside. Now one was not a child, and one knew that the soul was a prisoner within this sordid, vast edifice of life, and there was no escape save in death. But what a joy, what a gladness to think that whatever humanity did, it could not seize hold of the kingdom of death to nullify that. The sea they turned into a murderous alley and a soiled road of commerce, disputed like the dirty land of a city every inch of it. The air they claimed to shared it up, parceled it out to certain owners they trespassed in the air to fight for it. Everything was gone, walled in, with spikes on top of the walls, and one must ignominiously creep between the spiky walls through a labyrinth of life. But the great, dark, illimitable kingdom of death, their humanity was put to scorn. So much they could do upon earth the multifarious little gods that they were, but the kingdom of death put them all to scorn. They dwindled into their true vulgar silliness in face of it. How beautiful, how grand and perfect death was, how good to look forward to. There one would wash off all the lies and ignominy and dirt that had been put upon one here. A perfect bath of cleanness and glad refreshment, and go unknown, unquestioned, unabased. After all, one was rich, if only in the promise of perfect death. It was a gladness above all that this remained to look forward to. The pure, inhuman, otherness of death. Whatever life might be, it could not take away death, the inhuman, transcendent death. Oh, let us ask no question of it, what it is or is not. To know is human, and in death we do not know, we are not human. And the joy of this compensates for all the bitterness of knowledge and the sordidness of our humanity. In death we shall not be human, and we shall not know. The promise of this is our heritage, we look forward like heirs to their majority. Ursula sat quite still, and quite forgotten, alone by the fire in the drawing-room. The children were playing in the kitchen, all the others were gone to church, and she was gone into the ultimate darkness of her own soul. She was startled by hearing the bell ring away in the kitchen. The children came scutting along the passage in delicious alarm. Ursula, there's somebody. I know, don't be silly, she replied. She too was startled, almost frightened, she dared hardly go to the door. Birkin stood on the threshold, his raincoat turned up to his ears. He had come now, now she was gone far away. She was aware of the rainy night behind him. Oh, is it you? she said. I'm glad you're at home, he said, in a low voice entering the house. They're all gone to church. He took off his coat and hung it up. The children were peeping at him round the corner. Go and get undressed now, Billy and Dora, said Ursula. Mother will be back soon, and she'll be disappointed if you're not in bed. The children, in a sudden angelic mood, retired without a word. Birkin and Ursula went into the drawing-room. The fire burned low. He looked at her, and wondered at the luminous delicacy of her beauty, and the wide shining of her eyes. He watched from a distance, with wonder in his heart. She seemed chance-figured with light. What have you been doing all day? he asked her. Only sitting about, she said. He looked at her. There was a change in her, but she was separate from him. She remained apart in a kind of brightness. They both sat silent in the soft light of the lamp. He felt he ought to go away again. He ought not to have come. Still, he did not gather enough resolution to move. But he was detour. Her mood was absent and separate. Then there came the voices of the two children calling shyly outside the door, softly, with self-excited timidity. She rose and opened the door. On the threshold stood the two children in their long nightgowns, with wide-eyed angelic faces. They were being very good for the moment, playing the role perfectly of two obedient children. Shall you take us to bed? said Billy in a loud whisper. Why you are angels tonight, she said softly. Won't you come and say good night to Mr. Birkin? The children merged shyly into the room on bare feet. Billy's face was wide and grinning, but there was a great solemnity of being good in his round blue eyes. Dora, peeping from the floss of her fair hair, hung back like some tiny dryad that has no soul. Will you say good night to me? asked Birkin, in a voice that was strangely soft and smooth. Dora drifted away at once, like a leaf lifted on a breath of wind. But Billy went softly forward, slow and willing, lifting his pinched-up mouth implicitly to be kissed. Ursula watched the full-gathered lips of the man gently touch those of the boy, so gently. Then Birkin lifted his fingers and touched the boy's round confiding cheek with a faint touch of love. Neither spoke. Billy seemed angelic like a cherub boy, or like an acolyte. Birkin was a tall, grave angel looking down to him. Are you going to be kissed? Ursula broke in, speaking to the little girl. But Dora edged away like a tiny dryad that will not be touched. Won't you say good night to Mr. Birkin? Go, he's waiting for you, said Ursula. But the girl-child only made a little motion away from him. Silly Dora! Silly Dora! said Ursula. Birkin felt some mistrust and antagonism in the small child. He could not understand it. Come then, said Ursula. Let us go before mother comes. All heroes say our prayers, asked Billy anxiously. Whom you like? Won't you? Yes, I will. Ursula? Well, Billy, is it whom you like? That's it. Well, what is whom? It's the accusative of whom. There was a moment's contemplative silence, then the confiding. Is it? Birkin smiled to himself as he sat by the fire. When Ursula came down, he sat motionless with his arms on his knees. She saw him, how he was motionless and ageless, like some crouching idol, some image of a deathly religion. He looked round at her, and his face, very pale and unreal, seemed to gleam with a whiteness almost phosphorescent. Don't you feel well? she asked, in indefinable repulsion. I hadn't thought about it. But don't you know without thinking about it? He looked at her, his eyes dark and swift, and he saw her revulsion. He did not answer her question. Don't you know whether you are unwell or not, without thinking about it? she persisted. Not always, he said coldly. But don't you think that's very wicked? Wicked? Yes, I think it's criminal to have so little connection with your own body that you don't even know when you are ill. He looked at her darkly. Yes, he said. Why don't you stay in bed when you are seedy? You look perfectly ghastly. Offensively so, he asked ironically. Yes, quite offensive, quite repelling. Ah, well that's unfortunate. And it's raining and it's a horrible night. Really you shouldn't be forgiven for treating your body like it. You ought to suffer. A man who takes as little notice of his body as that. Takes as little notice of his body as that, he echoed mechanically. This cut her short, and there was silence. The others came in from church, and the two had the girls to face, then the mother and Gudrun, and then the father and the boy. Good evening, said Brangwyn, faintly surprised. Came to see me, did you? No, said Birkin. Not about anything in particular, that is. The day was dismal, and I thought you wouldn't mind if I called in. It has been a depressing day, said Mrs. Brangwyn sympathetically. At that moment the voices of the children were heard calling from upstairs. Mother! Mother! She lifted her face and answered mildly into the distance. I shall come up to you in a minute, doise. Then to Birkin, there is nothing fresh at Shortland, I suppose. Ah, she sighed. No poor things, I should think not. You've been over there to-day, I suppose, asked the father. Gerald came round to tea with me, and I walked back with him. The house is over-excited and unwholesome, I thought. I should think they were people who hadn't much restraint, said Gudrun. Or too much, Birkin answered. Oh, yes, I'm sure, said Gudrun almost vindictively, one or the other. They all feel they ought to behave in some unnatural fashion, said Birkin. When people are in grief they would do better to cover their faces and keep in retirement, as in the old days. Certainly, cried Gudrun, flushed and inflammable. What can be worse than this public grief? What is more horrible, more false? If grief is not private and hidden, what is? Exactly, he said. I felt ashamed when I was there and they were all going about in a legubrious, false way, feeling they must not be natural or ordinary. Well, said Mrs. Brangwyn, offended at this criticism, it isn't so easy to bear a trouble like that. And she went upstairs to the children. He remained only a few minutes longer, then took his leave. When he was gone Ursula felt such a poignant hatred of him that all her brain seemed turned into a sharp crystal of fine hatred. Her whole nature seemed sharpened and intensified into a pure dart of hate. She could not imagine what it was. It merely took hold of her, the most poignant and ultimate hatred, pure and clear and beyond thought. She could not think of it at all. She was translated beyond herself. It was like a possession. She felt she was possessed. And for several days she went about possessed by this exquisite force of hatred against him. It surpassed anything she had ever known before. It seemed to throw her out of the world into some terrible region where nothing of her old life held good. She was quite lost and dazed, really dead to her own life. It was so completely incomprehensible and irrational. She did not know why she hated him. Her hate was quite abstract. She had only realised with a shock that stunned her that she was overcome by this pure transportation. He was the enemy, fine as a diamond, and as hard and dual-like, the quintessence of all that was inimical. She thought of his face, white and purely wrought, and of his eyes that had such a dark, constant will of assertion. And she tucked her own forehead to feel if she were mad she was so transfigured in white flame of essential hate. It was not temporal, her hatred. She did not hate him for this or for that. She did not want to do anything to him to have any connection with him. Her relation was ultimate and utterly beyond words. The hate was so pure and gem-like. It was as if he were a beam of essential enmity. A beam of light that did not only destroy her, but denied her altogether revoked her whole world. She saw him as a clear stroke of uttermost contradiction, a strange gem-like being whose existence defined her own non-existence. When she heard he was ill again, her hatred only intensified itself a few degrees, if that were possible. It stunned her and annihilated her, but she could not escape it. She could not escape this transfiguration of hatred that had come upon her. Recording by Ruth Golding Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence Chapter 16 Man to Man He lay sick and unmoved in pure opposition to everything. He knew how near to breaking was the vessel that held his life. He knew also how strong and durable it was. And he did not care. Better a thousand times take one's chance with death than accept a life one did not want. But best of all to persist and persist and persist forever till one was satisfied in life. He knew that Ursula was referred back to him. He knew his life rested with her. But he would rather not live than accept the love she proffered. The old way of love seemed a dreadful bondage, a sort of conscription. What it was in him he did not know, but the thought of love, marriage and children, and a life lived together in the horrible privacy of domestic and cannubial satisfaction was repulsive. He wanted something clearer, more open, cooler as it were. The hot, narrow intimacy between man and wife was abhorrent. The way they shut their doors, these married people, and shut themselves into their own exclusive alliance with each other, even in love, disgusted him. It was a whole community of mistrustful couples insulated in private houses or private rooms, always in couples, and no further life, no further immediate, no disinterested relationship admitted. A kaleidoscope of couples, disjoined, separatist, meaningless entities of married couples. True, he hated promiscuity even worse than marriage, and a liaison was only another kind of coupling, reactionary from the legal marriage. Reaction was a greater bore than action. On the whole, he hated sex. It was such a limitation. It was sex that turned a man into a broken half of a couple, the woman into the other broken half. And he wanted to be single in himself, the woman single in herself. He wanted sex to revert to the level of the other appetites, to be regarded as a functional process, not as a fulfilment. He believed in sex marriage, but beyond this he wanted a further conjunction, where man had being and woman had being, two pure beings, each constituting the freedom of the other, balancing each other like two poles of one force, like two angels or two demons. He wanted so much to be free, not under the compulsion of any need for unification or tortured by unsatisfied desire. Desire and aspiration should find their object without all this torture, as now in a world of plenty of water simple thirst is inconsiderable, satisfied almost unconsciously. And he wanted to be with Ursula as free as with himself, single and clear and cool, yet balanced, polarised with her. The merging, the clutching, the mingling of love was become madly apparent to him. But it seemed to him woman was always so horrible and clutching. She had such a lust for possession, a greed of self-importance in love. She wanted to have, to own, to control, to be dominant. Everything must be referred back to her, to woman, the great mother of everything, out of whom proceeded everything, and to whom everything must finally be rendered up. It filled him with almost insane fury, this calm assumption of the magna mater, that all was hers, because she had borne it. Man was hers, because she had borne him. Amater Dolorosa, she had borne him. A magna mater, she now claimed him again, soul and body, sex, meaning and all. He had a horror of the magna mater, she was detestable. She was on a very high horse again, was woman, the great mother. Did he not know it in Hermione? Hermione, the humble, the subservient. What was she all the while but the Mater Dolorosa in her subservience, claiming with horrible insidious arrogance and female tyranny her own again, claiming back the man she had borne in suffering. By her very suffering and humility she bound her son with chains, she held him, her everlasting prisoner. And Ursula, Ursula was the same, all the inverse. She too was the awful arrogant queen of life, as if she were a queen bee on whom all the rest depended. He saw the yellow flare in her eyes. He knew the unthinkable, overweening assumption of primacy in her. She was unconscious of it herself. She was only too ready to knock her head on the ground before a man. But this was only when she was so certain of her man that she could worship him as a woman worships her own infant with a worship of perfect possession. It was intolerable this possession at the hands of woman. Always a man must be considered as the broken off fragment of a woman, and the sex was the still aching scar of the laceration. Man must be added on to a woman before he had any real place or wholeness. And why? Why should we consider ourselves, men and women, as broken fragments of one whole? It is not true. We are not broken fragments of one whole. Rather we are the singling away into purity and clear being of things that were mixed. Rather the sex is that which remains in us of the mixed, the unresolved, and passion is the further separating of this mixture, that which is manly being taken into the being of the man, that which is womanly passing to the woman till the two are clear and whole as angels. The admixture of sex in the highest sense surpassed, leaving two single beings constellated together, like two stars. In the old age, before sex was, we were mixed each one a mixture. The process of singling into individuality resulted into the great polarization of sex. The womanly drew to one side, the manly to the other. But the separation was imperfect even then. And so our world cycle passes. There is now to come the new day when we are beings each of us fulfilled in difference. The man is pure man. The woman, pure woman. They are perfectly polarized. But there is no longer any of the horrible merging, mingling self abnegation of love. There is only the pure duality of polarization, each one free from any contamination of the other. In each the individual is primal. Sex is subordinate, but perfectly polarized. Each has a single separate being with its own laws. The man has his pure freedom. The woman hers. Each acknowledges the perfection of the polarized sex circuit. Each admits the different nature in the other. So Burke inmeditated whilst he was ill. He liked sometimes to be ill enough to take to his bed, for then he got better very quickly, and things came to him clear and sure. Whilst he was laid up Gerald came to see him. The two men had a deep, uneasy feeling for each other. Gerald's eyes were quick and restless, his whole manner tense and impatient. He seemed strung up to some activity. According to conventionality he wore black clothes. He looked formal, handsome, and comial full. His hair was fair almost to whiteness, sharp like splinters of light. His face was keen and ruddy, his body seemed full of northern energy. Gerald really loved Burkein, though he never quite believed in him. Burkein was too unreal, clever, whimsical, wonderful, but not practical enough. Gerald felt that his own understanding was much sounder and safer. Burkein was delightful, a wonderful spirit, but after all not to be taken seriously, not quite to be counted as a man among men. Why you laid up again? he asked kindly, taking the sick man's hand. It was always Gerald who was protective, offering the warm shelter of his physical strength. For my sins, I suppose, Burkein said, smiling a little ironically. For your sins? Yes, probably that is so. You should sin less and keep better in health. You'd better teach me. He looked at Gerald with ironic eyes. How are things with you? asked Burkein. With me? Gerald looked at Burkein, saw he was serious, and a warm light came into his eyes. I don't know that they're any different. I don't see how they could be. There's nothing to change. I suppose you're conducting the business as successfully as ever and ignoring the demand of the soul. That's it, said Gerald. At least as far as the business is concerned, I couldn't say about the soul, I'm sure. No. Surely you don't expect me to? laughed Gerald. No. How are the rest of your affairs progressing apart from the business? The rest of my affairs? What are those? I couldn't say. I don't know what you're referring to. Yes you do, said Burkein. Are you gloomy or cheerful? And what about Gudrun Brangwyn? What about her? A confused look came over Gerald. Well, he added. I don't know. I can only tell you she gave me a hit over the face last time I saw her. A hit over the face? What for? That I couldn't tell you either. Really? But when? The night of the party when Diana was drowned. She was driving the cattle up the hill and I went after her. You remember? Yes, I remember. But what made her do that? You didn't definitely ask her for it, I suppose. I? No, not that I know of. I merely said to her that it was dangerous to drive those Highland Bullocks as it is. She turned in such a way and said, I suppose you think I'm afraid of you and your cattle, don't you? So I asked her why. And for answer she flung me a backhander across the face. Burkein laughed quickly as if it pleased him. Gerald looked at him, wandering, and began to laugh as well, saying, I didn't laugh at the time. I assure you, I was never so taken aback in my life. And weren't you furious? Furious? I should think I was. I'd have murdered her for two pins. Ejaculated Burkein. Poor Kudrun. Wouldn't she suffer afterwards for having given herself away? He was hugely delighted. Would she suffer? asked Gerald, also amused now. Both men smiled in malice and amusement. Badly, I should think, seeing how self-conscious she is. She is self-conscious, is she? Then what made her do it? For I certainly think it was quite uncalled for and quite unjustified. I suppose it was a sudden impulse. Yes, but how do you account for her having such an impulse? I'd done her no harm. Burkein shook his head. The Amazon suddenly came up in her, I suppose, he said. Well, replied Gerald, I'd rather it had been the Orinoka. They both laughed at the poor joke. Gerald was thinking how Kudrun had said she would strike the last blow, too. But some reserve made him keep this back from Burkein. And you resent it? Burkein asked. I don't resent it. I don't care a tinker's curse about it. He was silent a moment. Then he added, laughing. No, I'll see it through. That's all. She seemed sorry afterwards. Did she? You've not met since that night? Gerald's face clouded. No, he said. We've been, you can imagine how it's been since the accident. Yes. Is it calming down? I don't know. It's a shock, of course. But I don't believe mother minds. I really don't believe she takes any notice. And what's so funny? She used to be all for the children. Nothing mattered. Nothing whatever mattered but the children. And now, she doesn't take any more notice than if it is one of the servants. No. Did it upset you very much? It's a shock. But I don't feel it very much, really. I don't feel any different. We've all got to die and it doesn't seem to make any great difference anyhow whether you die or not. I can't feel any grief, you know. It leaves me cold. I can't quite account for it. You don't care if you die or not, asked Birkin. Gerald looked at him with eyes blue as the blue-fibre steel of a weapon. He felt awkward but indifferent. As a matter of fact, he did care terribly with the great fear. Oh! he said. I don't want to die. Why should I? But I never trouble. The question doesn't seem to be on the carpet for me at all. It doesn't interest me, you know. T. Mor Morty's Contour Butt May, quoted Birkin, adding, No. Death doesn't really seem the point any more. It curiously doesn't concern one. It's like an ordinary tomorrow. Gerald looked closely at his friend, the eyes of the two men met, and an unspoken understanding was exchanged. Gerald narrowed his eyes. His face was cool and unscrupulous as he looked at Birkin, impersonally, with a vision that ended in a point in space, strangely keen eyed, and yet blind. If death isn't the point, he said in a strangely abstract, cold, fine voice. What is? He sounded as if he had been found out. What is? re-echoed Birkin, and there was a mocking silence. There's long way to go after the point of intrinsic death before we disappear, said Birkin. There is, said Gerald. But what sort of way? He seemed to press the other man for knowledge which he himself knew far better than Birkin did. Write down the slopes of degeneration, mystic, universal degeneration. There are many stages of pure degradation to go through, age-long. We live on long after our death, and progressively, in progressive devolution, Gerald listened with a faint, fine smile on his face all the time, as if somewhere he knew so much better than Birkin all about this. As if his own knowledge were direct and personal, whereas Birkin's was a matter of observation and inference, not quite hitting the nail on the head, though aiming near enough at it. But he was not going to give himself away. If Birkin could get at the secrets, let him. Gerald would never help him. Gerald would be a dark horse to the end. Of course, he said, with a startling change of conversation, it is father who really feels it. It will finish him. For him, the world collapses. All his care now is for Winnie. He must save Winnie. He says she ought to be sent away to school, but she won't hear of it, and he'll never do it. Of course, she is in rather a queer way. We're all of us curiously bad at living. We can do things, but we can't get on with life at all. It's curious, a family failing. She oughtn't to be sent away to school, said Birkin, who was considering a new proposition. She oughtn't? Why? She's a queer child, a special child, more special even than you, and in my opinion special children should never be sent away to school. Only moderately ordinary children should be sent to school, so it seems to me. I'm inclined to think just the opposite. I think it would probably make her more normal if she went away and mixed with other children. She wouldn't mix, you see. You never really mixed, did you? And she wouldn't be willing even to pretend to. She's proud and solitary and naturally apart. If she has a single nature, why do you want to make her gregarious? No, I don't want to make her anything, but I think school would be good for her. Was it good for you? Gerald's eyes narrowed uglily. School had been torture to him. Yet he had not questioned whether one should go through this torture. He seemed to believe in education through subjection and torment. I hated it at the time, but I can see it was necessary, he said. It brought me into line a bit, and you can't live unless you do come into line somewhere. Well, said Birkin, I begin to think that you can't live unless you keep entirely out of the line. It's no good trying to tow the line when your one impulse is to smash up the line. Winnie is a special nature, and for special natures you must give a special world. Yes, but where's your special world? said Gerald. Make it. Instead of chopping yourself down to fit the world, chop the world down to fit yourself. As a matter of fact, two exceptional people make another world. You and I, we make another separate world. You don't want a world same as your brother's in law. It's just a special quality you value. Do you want to be normal or ordinary? It's a lie. You want to be free and extraordinary in an extraordinary world of liberty. Gerald looked at Birkin with subtle eyes of knowledge, but he would never openly admit what he felt. He knew more than Birkin in one direction, much more. And this gave him his gentle love for the other man, as if Birkin were in some way young, innocent, childlike, so amazingly clever, but incurably innocent. Yet you were so banal as to consider me chiefly a freak, said Birkin pointedly. A freak! exclaimed Gerald, startled. And his face opened suddenly, as if lighted with simplicity, as when a flower opens out of the cunning bud. No, I never consider you a freak! And he watched the other man with strange eyes that Birkin could not understand. I feel, Gerald continued, that there is always an element of uncertainty about you. Perhaps you are uncertain about yourself. But I'm never sure of you. You can go away and change as easily as if you had no soul. He looked at Birkin with penetrating eyes. Birkin was amazed. He thought he had all the soul in the world. He stared in amazement. And Gerald, watching, saw the amazing attractive goodliness of his eyes, a young, spontaneous goodness that attracted the other man infinitely, yet filled him with bitter chagra, because he mistrusted it so much. He knew Birkin could do without him, could forget, and not suffer. This was always present in Gerald's consciousness, filling him with bitter unbelief. This consciousness of the young, animal-like spontaneity of detachment. It seemed almost like hypocrisy and lying sometimes, oh, often, on Birkin's part, to talk so deeply and importantly. Quite other things were going through Birkin's mind. Suddenly he saw himself confronted with another problem, the problem of love and eternal conjunction between two men. Of course, this was necessary. It had been a necessity inside himself all his life to love a man purely and fully. Of course, he had been loving Gerald all along and all along denying it. He lay in the bed and wondered whilst his friend sat beside him, lost in brooding. Each man was gone in his own thoughts. You know how the old German knights used to swear a bloot brooder-shaft, he said to Gerald, with quite a new happy activity in his eyes. Make a little wound in their arms and rub each other's blood into the cut, said Gerald. Yes, and swear to be true to each other, of one blood or their lives. That is what we ought to do. No wound, that is obsolete. But we ought to swear to love each other, you and I, implicitly and perfectly, finally, without any possibility of going back on it. He looked at Gerald with clear, happy eyes of discovery. Gerald looked down at him, attracted, so deeply bondaged in fascinated attraction that he was mistrustful, resenting the bondage, hating the attraction. We will swear to each other one day, shall we? pleaded Birkin. We will swear to stand by each other, be true to each other, ultimately, infallibly, given to each other organically, without possibility of taking back. Birkin sought hard to express himself, but Gerald hardly listened. His face shone with a certain luminous pleasure. He was pleased, but he kept his reserve. He held himself back. Shall we swear to each other one day? said Birkin, putting out his hand towards Gerald. Gerald just touched the extended, fine, living hand, as if withheld and afraid. We'll leave it till I understand it better, he said, in a voice of excuse. Birkin watched him. A little sharp disappointment, perhaps a touch of contempt came into his heart. Yes, he said. You must tell me what you think, later. You know what I mean? Not sloppy emotionalism. An impersonal union that leaves one free. They lapsed both into silence. Birkin was looking at Gerald all the time. He seemed now to see not the physical animal man which he usually saw in Gerald, and which usually he liked so much, but the man himself, complete, and as if fated, doomed, limited. This strange sense of fatality in Gerald, as if he were limited to one form of existence, one knowledge, one activity, a sort of fatal half-ness which to himself seemed wholeness, always overcame Birkin after their moments of passionate approach, and filled him with a sort of contempt or boredom. It was the insistence on the limitation which so bored Birkin in Gerald. Gerald could never fly away from himself in real, indifferent gaiety. He had a clog, a sort of monomania. There was silence for a time. Then Birkin said, in a lighter tone, letting the stress of the contact pass, Can't you get a good governess for Winifred? Somebody exceptional. Hermione Roddis suggested we should ask Gudrun to teach her to draw and to model in clay. You know, Winnie is astonishingly clever with that plasticine stuff. Hermione declares she is an artist. Gerald spoke in the usual animated chatty manner, as if nothing unusual had passed. But Birkin's manner was full of reminder. Really? I didn't know that. Oh, well then, if Gudrun would teach her, it would be perfect. Couldn't be anything better if Winifred is an artist, because Gudrun somewhere is one, and every true artist is the salvation of every other. I thought they got on so badly as a rule. Perhaps. But only artists produce for each other the world that is fit to live in. If you can arrange that for Winifred, it is perfect. But you think she wouldn't come? I don't know. Gudrun is rather self-opinionated. She won't go cheap anywhere, or if she does, she'll pretty soon take herself back. So whether she would condescend to private teaching, particularly here in Beldover, I don't know. But it would be just the thing. Winifred has got a special nature. And if you can put into her way the means of being self-sufficient, that is the best thing possible. She'll never get on with the ordinary life. You find it difficult enough yourself, and she is several skinner thinner than you are. It is awful to think what her life will be like unless she does find the means of expression, some way of fulfilment. You can see what Mia leaving it to fate brings. You can see how much marriage is to be trusted to look at your own mother. Do you think mother is abnormal? No. I think she only wanted something more, or other than the common run of life. And not getting it, she has gone wrong, perhaps. After producing a brood of wrong children, said Gerald gloomily. No more wrong than any of the rest of us, Birkin replied. The most normal people have the worst subterranean selves. Take them one by one. Sometimes I think it is a curse to be alive, said Gerald with sudden impotent anger. Well, said Birkin, why not? Let it be a curse sometimes to be alive. At other times it is anything but a curse. You've got plenty of zest in it really. Less than you'd think, said Gerald, revealing a strange poverty in his look at the other man. There was silence, each thinking his own thoughts. I don't see what she has to distinguish between teaching at the grammar school and coming to teach when, said Gerald. The difference between a public servant and a private one. The only noble man today, king and only aristocrat, is the public, the public. You are quite willing to serve the public, but to be a private tutor. I don't want to serve either. No, and Gudrun will probably feel the same. Gerald thought for a few minutes, then he said, At all events, father won't make her feel like a private servant. He'll be fussy and grateful enough. So he ought, and so ought all of you. Do you think you can hire a woman like Gudrun Brangwyn with money? She is your equal like anything, probably your superior. Is she? said Gerald. Yes, and if you haven't the guts to know it, I hope she'll leave you to your own devices. Nevertheless, said Gerald, if she is my equal I wish she weren't a teacher, because I don't think teachers as a rule are my equal. Nor do I dam them, but am I a teacher because I teach, or a parson because I preach? Gerald laughed. He was always uneasy on this score. He did not want to claim social superiority, yet he would not claim intrinsic personal superiority, because he would never base his standard of values on pure being, so he wobbled upon a tacit assumption of social standing. No, Birkin wanted him to accept the fact of intrinsic difference between human beings, which he did not intend to accept. It was against his social honour, his principle. He rose to go. I've been neglecting my business all this while, he said, smiling. I ought to have reminded you before, Birkin replied, laughing and mocking. I knew you'd say something like that, laughed Gerald rather uneasily. Did you? Yes, Rupert. It wouldn't do for us all to be like you are. We should soon be in the cart. When I am above the world I shall ignore all businesses. Of course we're not in the cart now, said Birkin satirically. Not as much as you make out. At any rate we have enough to eat and drink. And be satisfied, added Birkin. Gerald came near the bed and stood looking down at Birkin, whose throat was exposed, whose tossed hair fell attractively on the warm brow, above the eyes that were so unchallenged and still in the satirical face. Gerald, full-limbed and turgid with energy, stood unwilling to go. He was held by the presence of the other man. He had not the power to go away. So, said Birkin, goodbye. And he reached out his hand from under the bed clothes, smiling with a glimmering look. Goodbye, said Gerald, taking the warm hand of his friend in a firm grasp. I shall come again. I miss you down at the mill. I'll be there in a few days, said Birkin. The eyes of the two men met again. Gerald's that were keen as a hawks were suffused now with warm light and with unadmitted love. Birkin looked back as out of the darkness, unsounded and unknown, yet with a kind of warmth that seemed to flow over Gerald's brain like a fertile sleep. Goodbye, then. There's nothing I can do for you. Nothing, thanks. Birkin watched the black-clothed form of the other man move out of the door. The bright head was gone. He turned over to sleep. End of Chapter 16. Recording by Ruth Golding Chapter 17 of Women in Love This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ruth Golding Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence Chapter 17 The Industrial Magnet In Beldover there was both for Ursula and for Gudrun an interval. It seemed to Ursula as if Birkin had gone out of her for the time. He had lost his significance. He scarcely mattered in her world. She had her own friends, her own activities, her own life. She turned back to the old ways with Zest away from him. And Gudrun, after feeling every moment in all her veins, conscious of Gerald cry, connected even physically with him, was now almost indifferent to the thought of him. She was nursing new schemes for going away and trying a new form of life. All the time there was something in her, urging her to avoid the final establishing of a relationship with Gerald. She felt it would be wiser and better to have no more than a casual acquaintance with him. She had a scheme for going to St. Petersburg where she had a friend who was a sculptor like herself, and who lived with a wealthy Russian whose hobby was jewel making. The emotional, rather rootless life of the Russians appealed to her. She did not want to go to Paris. Paris was dry and essentially boring. She would like to go to Rome, Munich, Vienna, or to St. Petersburg or Moscow. She had a friend in St. Petersburg and a friend in Munich. To each of these she wrote, asking about rooms. She had a certain amount of money. She had come home partly to save, and now she had sold several pieces of work she had been praised in various shows. She knew she could become quite the go if she went to London, but she knew London. She wanted something else. She had seventy pounds of which nobody knew anything. She would move soon, as soon as she heard from her friends. Her nature, in spite of her apparent placidity and calm, was profoundly restless. The sisters happened to call in a cottage in Willy Green to buy honey. Mrs. Kirk, a stout, pale, sharp-nosed woman, sly, honeyed with something shrewish and cat-like beneath, asked the girls into her too cosy, too tidy kitchen. There was a cat-like comfort and cleanliness everywhere. Yes, Miss Brangwyn, she said in her slightly whining, insinuating voice. And how do you like being back in the old place, then? Gudrun, whom she addressed, hated her at once. I don't care for it, she replied abruptly. You don't? I, well, I suppose you found a difference from London. You like life and big grand places. Some of us has to be content with Willy Green and Beldover. And what do you think of our grammar school, as there's so much talk about? What do I think of it? Gudrun looked round at her slowly. Do you mean, do I think it's a good school? Yes! What is your opinion of it? I do think it's a good school. Gudrun was very cold and repelling. She knew the common people hated the school. I do, then! I've had so much one way and the other. It's nice to know what those that's in it feel. But opinions vary, don't they? Mr. Crye up at high close is all for it. I, poor man, I'm afraid he's not long for this world. He's very poorly. Is he worse? asked Ursula. Hey, yes, since they lost Miss Diana, he's gone off to a shadow. Poor man, he's had a world of trouble. Has he? asked Gudrun, faintly ironic. He has a world of trouble, and as nice and kind a gentleman as ever you could wish to meet, his children don't take after him. I suppose they take after their mother, said Ursula. In many ways. Mrs. Kirk lowered her voice a little. She was a proud haughty lady when she came into these parts. My word she was that. She mustn't be looked at, and it was worth your life to speak to her. The woman made a dry, sly face. Did you know her when she was first married? Yes, I knew her. I know three of her children, and proper little terrorists they were, little fiends. That Gerald was a demon, if ever there was one, a proper demon. I, at six months old. A curious, malicious, sly tone came into the woman's voice. Really? said Gudrun. That willful, masterful, lead-mastered one, nurse at six months, kick and scream and struggle like a demon. Many's the time I've pinched his little bottom for him when he was a child in arms. I, I need have been better if he'd had it pinched off to her, but she wouldn't have him corrected. No, wouldn't hear of it. I can remember the row she had with Mr. Crime, my word. When he got worked up, properly worked up till he could stand no more, he'd lock the study door and whip them. But she paced up and down all the while, like a tiger outside, like a tiger, with very murder in her face. She had a face that could look deaf. And when the door was open she'd go in with her hands lifted. What have you been doing to my children, you coward? She was like one out of her mind. I believe he was frightened of her. He had to be driven mad before he'd lift a finger. Didn't the servants have a life of it? And didn't we used to be thankful when one of them caught it? They were the toolmen of your life. Really? said Gudrun. In every possible way. If you wouldn't let them smash their pots on the table, if you wouldn't let them drag the kitten about with a string round its neck, if you wouldn't give them whatever they asked for, every mortal thing, then there was a shine on. And their mother coming in asking, what's the matter with him? What have you done to him? What is it, darling? And then she turned on you as if she trampled you under her feet. But she didn't trample on me. I was the only one that could do anything with her demons. For she wasn't going to be bothered with them herself. No, she took no trouble for them. But they must just have their way. They mustn't be spoken to. And Master Gerald was their beauty. I left when he was a year and a half. I could stand no more. But I pinched his little bottom for him when he was in arms, I did. When there was no holding him. And I'm not sorry I did. Goodran went away in fury and loathing. The phrase I pinched his little bottom for him sent her into a white stony fury. She could not bear it. She wanted to have the woman taken out at once and strangled. And yet there the phrase was lodged in her mind forever beyond escape. She felt one day she would have to tell him to see how he took it. And she loathed herself for the thought. But at Shortland the lifelong struggle was coming to a close. The father was ill and was going to die. He had bad internal pains which took away all his attentive life and left him with only a vestige of his consciousness. More and more a silence came over him. He was less and less acutely aware of his surroundings. The pain seemed to absorb his activity. He knew it was there. He knew it would come again. It was like something lurking in the darkness within him. And he had not the power or the will to seek it out and to know it. There it remained in the darkness. The great pain tearing him at times and then being silent. And when it tore him he crouched in silent subjection under it. And when it left him alone again he refused to know of it. It was within the darkness, let it remain unknown. So he never admitted it, except in a secret corner of himself, where all his never revealed fears and secrets were accumulated. For the rest he had a pain, it went away, it made no difference. It even stimulated him, excited him. But it gradually absorbed his life. Gradually it drew away all his potentiality. It bled him into the dark. It weaned him of life and drew him away into the darkness. And in this twilight of his life little remained visible to him. The business, his work, that was gone entirely. His public interests had disappeared as if they had never been. Even his family had become extraneous to him. He could only remember in some slight non-essential part of himself, that such and such were his children. But it was historical fact, not vital to him. He had to make an effort to know their relation to him. Even his wife barely existed. She indeed was like the darkness, like the pain within him. By some strange association the darkness that contained the pain, and the darkness that contained his wife were identical. All his thoughts and understandings became blurred and fused, and now his wife and the consuming pain were the same dark secret power against him that he never faced. He never drove the dread out of its lair within him. He only knew that there was a dark place and something inhabiting this darkness, which issued from time to time and rent him. But he dared not penetrate and drive the beast into the open. He had rather ignore its existence. Only in his vague way the dread was his wife, the destroyer. And it was the pain, the destruction, a darkness which was one and both. He very rarely saw his wife. She kept her room. Only occasionally she came forth, with her head stretched forward, and in her low possessed voice she asked him how he was. And he answered her in the habit of more than thirty years. Well, I don't think I'm any the worst, dear. But he was frightened of her, underneath this safeguard of habit. Frightened almost to the verge of death. But all his life he had been so constant to his lights he had never broken down. He would die even now without breaking down, without knowing what his feelings were towards her. All his life he had said, poor Christiana, she has such a strong temper. With unbroken will he had stood by this position with regard to her. He had substituted pity for all his hostility. Pity had been his shield and his safeguard, and his infallible weapon. And still, in his consciousness, he was sorry for her. Her nature was so violent, and so impatient. But now his pity with his life was wearing thin, and the dread almost amounting to horror was rising into being. But before the armour of his pity really broke, he would die as an insect when its shell is cracked. This was his final resource. Others would live on and know the living death, the ensuing process of hopeless chaos. He would not. He denied death its victory. He had been so constant to his lights, so constant to charity, and to his love for his neighbour. Perhaps he had loved his neighbour even better than himself, which is going one further than the commandment. Always this flame had burned in his heart, sustaining him through everything, the welfare of the people. He was a large employer of labour. He was a great mine-owner. And he had never lost this from his heart, that in Christ he was one with his workmen. Nay, he had felt inferior to them, as if they, through poverty and labour, were nearer to God than he. He had always the unacknowledged belief that it was his workmen, the miners, who held in their hands the means of salvation. To move nearer to God, he must move towards his miners. His life must gravitate towards theirs. They were, unconsciously, his idol. His God made manifest. In them he worshipped the highest, the great, sympathetic, mindless Godhead of humanity. And all the while his wife had opposed him, like one of the great demons of hell. Strange, like a bird of prey, with the fascinating beauty and abstraction of a hawk. She had beat against the bars of his philanthropy, and like a hawk in a cage she had sunk into silence. By force of circumstance, because all the world combined to make the cage unbreakable, he had been too strong for her. He had kept her prisoner. And because she was his prisoner, his passion for her had always remained keen as death. He had always loved her. Loved her with intensity. Within the cage she was denied nothing. She was given all license. But she had gone almost mad. Of wild and overweening temper she could not bear the humiliation of her husband's soft, half-appealing kindness to everybody. He was not deceived by the poor. He knew they came and sponged on him, and whined to him the worst sort. The majority, luckily for him, were much too proud to ask for anything, much too independent to come knocking at his door. But in belldover, as everywhere else, there were the whining, parasitic, foul human beings who come crawling after charity, and feeding on the living body of the public like lice. A kind of fire would go over Christiana Crier's brain, as she saw two more pale-faced, creeping women, in objectionable black clothes, cringing leguberously up the drive to the door. She wanted to set the dogs on them. High rip! High ring! Ranger! Atom boys! Set them off! But Crowther, the butler with all the rest of the servants, was Mr. Crier's man. Nevertheless, when her husband was away, she would come down like a wolf on the crawling supplicants. What do you people want? There is nothing for you here. You have no business on the drive at all. Simpson drive them away and let no more of them through the gate. The servants had to obey her, and she would stand watching with an eye like the eagles, whilst the groom in clumsy confusion drove the legubrious persons down the drive, as if they were rusty fouls scuttling before him. But they learned to know from the lodgekeeper when Mrs. Crier was away, and they timed their visits. How many times in the first years would Crowther knock softly at the door? Person to see you, sir. What name? Grocoxa. What do they want? The question was half impatient, half gratified. He liked hearing appeals to his charity. About a child, sir. Show them into the library, and tell them they shouldn't come after eleven o'clock in the morning. Why do you get up from dinner? Send them off, his wife would say abruptly. Oh, I can't do that. It's no trouble just to hear what they have to say. How many more have been here today? Why don't you establish open house for them? They would soon ask me and the children. You know, dear, it doesn't hurt me to hear what they have to say. And if they really are in trouble, well, it is my duty to help them out of it. It's your duty to invite all the rats in the world to gnaw at your bones. Come, Christiana, it isn't like that. Don't be uncharitable. But she suddenly swept out of the room and out to the study. There sat the meager charity-seekers, looking as if they were at the doctors. Mr. Cry can't see you. He can't see you at this hour. Do you think he is your property, that you can come whenever you like? You must go away. There is nothing for you here. The poor people rose in confusion, but Mr. Cry, pale and black-bearded and deprecating, came behind her, saying, Yes, I don't like you coming as late as this. I'll hear any of you in the morning, part of the day, but I can't really do with you after. What's a miss, then, Gittings? How is your missus? Ah, she's sunk very low, Mr. Cry. She's almost gone. She's— Sometimes it seemed to Mrs. Cry as if her husband were some subtle, funeral bird, feeding on the miseries of the people. It seemed to her he was never satisfied, unless there was some sordid tale being poured out to him, which he drank in with a sort of mournful, sympathetic satisfaction. He would have no rezondette if there were no lugubrious miseries in the world, as an undertaker would have no meaning if there were no funerals. Mrs. Cry recoiled back upon herself. She recoiled away from this world of creeping democracy. A band of tight, baleful exclusion fussened round her heart. Her isolation was fierce and hard. Her antagonism was passive, but terribly pure, like that of a hawk in a cage. As the years went on she lost more and more count of the world. She seemed rapt in some glittering abstraction, almost purely unconscious. She would wander about the house and about the surrounding country, staring keenly and seeing nothing. She rarely spoke. She had no connection with the world. And she did not even think. She was consumed in a fierce tension of opposition, like the negative pole of a magnet. And she bore many children. For as time went on, she never opposed her husband in word or deed. She took no notice of him externally. She submitted to him, let him take what he wanted, and do as he wanted with her. She was like a hawk that sullenly submits to everything. The relation between her and her husband was wordless and unknown, but it was deep, awful, a relation of utter inter-destruction. And he who triumphed in the world, he became more and more hollow in his vitality. The vitality was bled from within him, as by some hemorrhage. She was hulked like a hawk in a cage, but her heart was fierce and undiminished within her, though her mind was destroyed. So to the last he would go to her and hold her in his arms sometimes, before his strength was all gone. The terrible white destructive light that burned in her eyes only excited and roused him. Till he was bled to death, and then he dreaded her more than anything. But he always said to himself how happy he had been, how he had loved her with a pure and consuming love ever since he had known her. And he thought of her as pure, chaste. The white flame which was known to him alone, the flame of her sex, was a white flower of snow to his mind. She was a wonderful white snow flower which he had desired infinitely. And now he was dying with all his ideas and interpretations intact. They would only collapse when the breath left his body. Till then they would be pure truths for him. Only death would show the perfect completeness of the lie. Till death she was his white snow flower. He had subdued her, and her subjugation was to him an infinite chastity in her, a virginity which he could never break, and which dominated him as by a spell. She had let go the outer world, but within herself she was unbroken and unimpaired. She only sat in her room like a moping, dishevelled hawk, motionless, mindless. Her children, for whom she had been so fierce in her youth, now meant scarcely anything to her. She had lost all that. She was quite by herself. Only Gerald the gleaming had some existence for her. But of late years, since he had become head of the business, he too was forgotten. Whereas the father, now he was dying, turned for compassion to Gerald. There had always been opposition between the two of them. Gerald had feared and despised his father, and to a great extent had avoided him all through boyhood and young manhood. And the father had felt very often a real dislike of his eldest son, which, never wanting to give way to, he had refused to acknowledge. He had ignored Gerald as much as possible, leaving him alone. Since, however, Gerald had come home and assumed responsibility in the firm, and had proved such a wonderful director, the father, tired and weary of all outside concerns, had put all his trust of these things in his son, implicitly, leaving everything to him, and assuming a rather touching dependence on the young enemy. This immediately roused a poignant pity and allegiance in Gerald's heart, always shadowed by contempt and by unadmitted enmity. For Gerald was in reaction against charity, and yet he was dominated by it. It assumed supremacy in the inner life, and he could not confute it. So he was partly subject to that which his father stood for, but he was in reaction against it. Now he could not save himself. A certain pity and grief and tenderness for his father overcame him, in spite of the deeper, more sullen hostility. The father won shelter from Gerald through compassion, but for love he had Winifred. She was his youngest child. She was the only one of his children whom he had ever closely loved, and her he loved with all the great, overweening, sheltering love of a dying man. He wanted to shelter her infinitely, infinitely, to wrap her in warmth and love and shelter perfectly. If he could save her, she should never know one pain, one grief, one hurt. He had been so right all his life, so constant in his kindness and his goodness, and this was his last passionate righteousness, his love for the child Winifred. Some things troubled him yet. The world had passed away from him as his strength ebbed. There were no more poor and injured and humble to protect and succour. These were all lost to him. There were no more sons and daughters to trouble him and to weigh on him as an unnatural responsibility. These two had faded out of reality. All these things had fallen out of his hands and left him free. There remained the covert fear and horror of his wife as she sat mindless and strange in her room, or as she came forth with slow prowling step, her head bent forward. But this he put away. Even his life-long righteousness, however, would not quite deliver him from the inner horror. Still, he could keep it sufficiently at bay. It would never break forth openly. Death would come first. Then there was Winifred. If only he could be sure about her, if only he could be sure. Since the death of Diana and the development of his illness, his craving for surety with regard to Winifred amounted almost to obsession. It was as if even dying he must have some anxiety, some responsibility of love, of charity upon his heart. She was an odd, sensitive, inflammable child, having her father's dark hair and quiet bearing, but being quite detached, momentaneous. She was like a changeling indeed, as if her feelings did not matter to her, really. She often seemed to be talking and playing, like the gayest and most childish of children. She was full of the warmest, most delightful affection for a few things—for her father, and for her animals in particular. But, if she heard that her beloved kitten Leo had been run over by the motor-car, she put her head on one side, and replied with a faint contraction, like resentment on her face. Has he? Then she took no more notice. She only disliked the servant who would force bad news on her and wanted her to be sorry. She wished not to know, and that seemed her chief motive. She avoided her mother and most of the members of her family. She loved her daddy because he wanted her always to be happy, and because he seemed to become young again and irresponsible in her presence. She liked Gerald because he was so self-contained. She loved people who would make life a game for her. She had an amazing, instinctive, critical faculty, and was a pure anarchist, a pure aristocrat, at once. For she accepted her equals wherever she found them, and she ignored with blithe indifference her inferiors, whether they were her brothers and sisters, or whether they were wealthy guests of the house, or whether they were the common people or the servants. She was quite single and by herself, deriving from nobody. It was as if she were cut off from all purpose or continuity, and existed simply moment by moment. The father, as by some strange final illusion, felt as if all his fate depended on his insuring to Winifred her happiness. She who could never suffer because she never formed vital connections, she who could lose the dearest things of her life and be just the same the next day, the whole memory dropped out as if deliberately. She whose will was so strange and easily free, anarchistic, almost nihilistic, who like a soulless bird flits on its own will, without attachment or responsibility beyond the moment, who in her every motion snapped the threads of serious relationship with blithe free hands. Really nihilistic, because never troubled, she must be the object of her father's final passionate solicitude. When Mr. Cry heard that Gudrun Brangwyn might come to help Winifred with her drawing and modelling, he saw a road to salvation for his child. He believed that Winifred had talent. He had seen Gudrun, he knew that she was an exceptional person. He could give Winifred into her hands as into the hands of a right being. Here was a direction and a positive force to be lent to his child. He need not leave her directionless and defenseless. If he could but graft the girl onto some tree of utterance before he died, he would have fulfilled his responsibility, and here it could be done. He did not hesitate to appeal to Gudrun. End of the first part of Chapter 17 Recording by Ruth Golding