 What time is it please what time is it it's time for the Abbott and Castello show We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Castello show Yes, it's the new Abbot and Castello show with their new singing discovery Susan Miller with the left back to singing Broadcasting tonight from the El Capitan theater in Hollywood The opening night of our new program in your late. What took you so long to get here? Yeah, but I drove over my hot rod hot rod. Yeah, you know what that is. What do you mean a hot rod? That street got us a gas and a steering wheel. Oh You shouldn't be allowed on the street with that thing. I'll bet you haven't even got a driver's license Oh, yes, I have I had one since I was four years old How could you get a driver's license when you were four years old? This is California ain't it? That's the It's people like It's people like you that give California drivers a bad reputation. I give my bad reputation. Oh, yeah Well, the California drivers are all right the guys that are causing the trouble of those tourists who come out here and drive on the right side of the road Oh How can you be such an idiot? How can I be such an idiot? How can you be such an idiot? I'm taking shots. Yeah You ought to be ashamed of yourself the first man of a new broadcast and you couldn't even be on time What's he tamed you? Well, I stopped by Rita Hayward's house to make a date with her for tonight But she won't go out with me on account of my dry scalp your dry scalp. She says every time I ask her for a day She tells me to go soak my head Oh, come on Costella. Let's get over to the broadcasting station. Oh, yes Come on, hop in my hot rod. We'll be there before you can say jerk Robinson. Jack Robinson. Yeah, you mean Jack Robinson The Robinson I know is a jerk Is the friend of mine who wants to say something important Friends tonight sort of a birthday for Abbott and Costello Tonight bud and Lou become new members of our family the ABC family of great Wednesday night shows One very prominent member is Mrs. Crosby's son Bing Who put society's golf clubs and baseball bats to return to the air later this evening each Wednesday night? You'll hear Bing's universally loved songs his famous pattern and he's easy-going banter with guest stars things special guests tonight is Gary Cooper Yes, it's a show. You won't want to miss among its features will be a hilarious Western musical guest featuring Gary and Bing Speaking of hilarity, that's the quality avid and Costello's new family is full of because their killer cycle kin include such comedy programs as The jackpaw and Henry Morgan shows if the family you want to listen to every Wednesday night Abaddon Costello Bing Crosby jackpaw Henry Morgan plus Vox Pop and mayor of the town starring Lionel Barrymore Remember they'll all be heard over most of these ABC station and now back to ABC's Well castellas this is the American broadcasting company studios come on, let's go in well here we go Abbott boy Am I happy? We're back on the air Lucas cello, that's me lady. Mr. Costello last night. I dreamt that I went out with you when I was never so insulted in my life Take that. Oh, how? Now the next time I dream about you. Maybe you're like a gentleman. Goodbye. How do you like that avid the next time she dreams? She's got a date with me. I won't even show up I Wouldn't mind if Jane Russell slapped me costella Why should Jane Russell slap you because I dreamt about her to get a night and she had a reason Jack I gotta say the other part. All right. Come on over that door and let's go in. Okay Just a minute hold on there. You can't take that kangaroo into the studio kangaroo. That's my partner Lou Costello Oh, pardon me chubby. The pouch ruled me and look here Just a minute door man, you can insult me have a let me handle this Listen, you if it wasn't for your wife and three kids, I'd beat you to a pulp. Oh, yeah, I'm not even married. I'll wait Right costella look door man with a notion new show that's opening on this network tonight We're at it in Costello ever in Costello. Yeah, I knew the network needed new shows, but ever then costello Heavens to Betsy Oh never mind that there what's suity are we in right through that door and go to age go to what go to age That did it one of us is gonna be flat on his back. Put up your hand Let that be a lesson to you Well, don't stand there rabbit. Pick me up and carry me in a studio. Come on costella who will be late Well, what are you worrying about Abbott? Suppose we don't get on the air. I don't have to worry about radio I've got plenty of rackets What for is well, there's my invention. I'm crossing cats with mice crossing cats with mine What good is that? Well, it'll be good for people that don't like cats and don't like mice How does it work? Well the cat eats the cheese and then chases itself out of the house I've got another racket, too I'm taking bets on the world series Abbott. I'll bet you fifty to one that St. Louis don't win tomorrow's game Oh, why you dummy St. Louis is even the world series. Well in that case, I'll bet you a hundred for one Oh, come on. Come on castell open that door and let's get inside. I wouldn't touch that door I'm a Harvard man. What has your being a Harvard man got to do with opening that door that door has got a year You're locked. Oh never mind. I'll open the door See Abbott this American broadcasting company has got some beautiful studios, haven't they? Oh, come on me Young man, could you tell me how to get a studio way? No, I'm a stranger here Well, you walk down this hall turn the left when you come to the end of the hall Just a minute wait a minute you asked me. I asked you what how do you get the studio way? We're new here That's wonderful. Yeah, I never hear them. So I never miss them Now before we go into the studio I want to warn you that people are going to work with us our lovely people You're gonna do everything that can help us and I want you to treat them with respect because we're going to be one big happy family You don't have to worry about me Abbott. I'll be nice to everybody by the way You met all these people that are connected with the new show Could you tell me the name so that when we get into the studio I can say hello to them? I'll be glad to well now Let's see there's a Donald where Jim Watt and somebody now wait a minute and wait a minute What I'm gonna start with the producer tell me the producer's name where on our show certainly look at it You just said you knew all the people's name. I do then tell me the name of the producer where where anywhere Tell it to me here. I just I just told you where where is the producer? I don't know where he is I never even met the guy. I only asked his name where where right here just a second ago I said to you, will you please tell me to produce this name and I told you told me why I didn't tell you what I told you Where what is the name of the engineer? Okay, I'll fight. What is the name of the engineer, right? What is correct? Certainly. Are you sure we got an engineer on the show? Of course. What is his name? That's right That's right. Certainly. Maybe I could do better if I see the people with my own eyes Look at it. Where is our engineer? No, no, no, no. Where is our producer? If he's smart by now, he's hiding You asked me to tell you the names of the people on the show and I'm telling you where is our producer and what is the engineer? What is the engineer? Well, the engineer is the guy who sits in the control room over here I know that I know that and what is his name? I'll tell you if you tell me please What? The engineer's name. What is the engineer's name? It certainly is. It certainly is what? Of course. That's what I've been trying to tell you Up to now, you ain't told me nothing However, let's forget about the engineer and the producer. Are we going to have a sound man on the show? Oh, you bet we are What is the sound man's name? No, what is the engineer? I know that Look, I'll put it this way. Who is the sound man? Who is the sound man? If you tell me who's on first, I'll help me out. Look, alright, alright, alright Calm down, calm down. Somebody is the sound man. I know that without you telling me Then why did you ask? Because I want to know the name of the guy who makes the sound I just told you. Somebody makes the sound. Alright, what is his name? No, what is the engineer? Look, look, I tell you, where is the producer? What is the engineer? And somebody is the sound man This gets worse as it goes along. Listen, Abbott, we got a sound man on our show That's right. We have. Then somebody makes the sound, certainly Now, on page 9 in the script, the phone bells ring Right. Well, somebody has got to ring the bell He will. Who will? Somebody Somebody will ring the bell What if somebody better ring the bell? If he doesn't ring the bell, you can fire him Yes, if he, wait a minute, Abbott, if the bell does ring, who do I fire? Just fire somebody That's a good piece of advice. The sound man forgets to ring the bell So I just walk up to somebody and fire That's right Then everybody will go around and say, what a stinking boss that customer was Oh, no Abbott, we're paying good money to the sound man We are How do you think we put the money in the envelope? We do Somebody cuts the money? Every dollar What's his name? No, why is the engineer? Look, Abbott, I've been in the studio in the radio a long time I'm used to getting kicked around Now, you just told me that where is the producer and what is our engineer? Now, where tells what to switch on a sound man's microphone So we can hear the sound of the telephone bell Now, what nods to where and where it gives the cue to the sound man And somebody rings that bell Now, you're on the ball I may be on the ball, but somebody has knocked on my brains out with that bat The Abbott & Cassello Show Let's go in and remember, be nice to everybody Now, we're going to be one big happy family, remember that What's going on in here? Yeah, quiet you two mugs We're trying to pick a singer for our new show Mr. Ware, we're Abbott & Cassello Oh, yeah? What took you so long to get here? I was home doing some house tricks House tricks? Fine, house tricks with you Hurry, Pony Now shut up till I get through auditioning these girls' singers He's the cue thing, so You're next, miss Yeah, all right, miss, that'll do Now, let's hear you That's enough, that's enough Thank you, Margaret And tell your father I got that postcard He kept it from Rio Abbott's total one, that's the one we get I don't know which one of you girls to pick And I know, we'll draw straws Here Oh, I'll take this one Oh, I'll take this one Ah, that's too bad Susan got the shortest straw, she looses Oh, that isn't fair I'm sorry, Susan But you girls agreed that the loser would have to take the job I know it's not going to be easy Working with those two apes Oh, that's a shame A nice girl like her working with two apes She must be going with a circus Boys, this is your new singer, Susan Miller Gee, that's wonderful But I thought you said she was going to work with two apes Oh, two apes Abbott and me All right Who are you fucking... Wait a minute That's Ella Remember how you made out with a door, man Miss Miller, having you on the show Is going to be a pleasure I think you're swell I think you're swell I think you're swell I think you're swell Well, when the swelling goes down You can introduce me Pardon me, this is my partner, Lou Castello Gee, Miss Miller You're beautiful You've got everything a singer should have And your voice is good, too Well, I sure do thank y'all Miss Miller I do think a little southern accent Are you from the south? I sure am from the south I love the south When I left the south I left a part of me there But you brought north Sister ain't bad Miss Miller Miss Miller As a rule, I ignore women But I would like to take you out tonight No, I couldn't go tonight I'm washing my dog How about tomorrow? Tomorrow I'm taking my dog to the dog show How about Sunday? Sunday, I'm busy What's your dog doing? I ask Castello Castello, would you go out on Sunday with a dirty dog? That all depends, Abbott What do you want to take me? Well, Castello, I'm glad to see you like dogs Yes, but we had to get my poor dog To the dog catcher He took a bite out of my Uncle Mike's apple You gave the poor dog away just because He took a bite out of your Uncle Mike's apple This was his Adam's apple Poor photographer I'm sure gonna miss him Photographer? Yeah How did you happen to name your dog photographer? He was always snapping people Very funny Wait for the snapper, please This dog had film on his teeth Oh, so Mr. Castello You know, I'd like to have you meet my father You know, he's out here from Washington He's a congressman Of course, he's only visiting California His seat is still in Washington That must be an awful screen on his suspenders We know it's... We know attention to Castello, Miss Miller How about singing a song for us? Hey, wait a minute, Abbott Hey, Abbott Here's that man again A few dozen laughs ago I mentioned the new family Abbott and Castello are joining tonight Our ABC family of Great Wednesday shows Well, it's a family to laugh at But not to be sneered at Now, take unpredictable Henry Morgan Morgan's the fellow who introduced The new type of radio comedy last year Satirical comedy that posts Good-natured fun at everything Morgan's impetuous wit Doesn't even overlook his commercials They're hilarious In short, you might safely say In our Wednesday night family Henry Morgan and Abbott and Castello Are really brothers under the grid And that's a relationship That includes brother-comedian Jack Parr, too You'll also place Bing Crosby In the same category When you hear him tonight In his rollicking skit with guest star Gary Cooper And listen every Wednesday night To our top-notch family of shows Abbott and Castello Henry Morgan, Bing Crosby And Jack Parr Plus Box Pop And Mayor of the Town Starring Lionel Barrymore They're heard over Most of these ABC stations And now back to ABC's Abbott and Castello shows And now here's vivacious Susan Miller With the less-bacter singers Susan Bing And the Red Caboose And the Cherry Blossom And the Red Caboose And the Red Caboose And the Red Caboose And on the radio station Just a meet the fellow too He wrote me he's the obvious But the train went, right on through It came de-here and whistled Hey, it takes a long, long time With a red cool He carried my boot away But the engineer was waving As the same fell down the train I felt the heavy heart Is better couldn't wait in bed Whoo! And remember, we're on a We're on a new network do things that are different but the jokes will be just the same I never mind that we should have a great season on ABC hey I just figured out what ABC stands for what Abbott Boris Costello no no no ABC what a joint first we had trouble with the doorman and I don't like the producer I don't like well I don't know about you but I'm glad to be working I took this job to keep my voice in shape to improve my addiction why did you take the job for the same reason as you I need the money right why you knit with don't you realize on ABC you'll be heard by millions of new listeners yes have it I can close my eyes and just picture the people listening in Denver I can see a little boy sitting on his father's knee they're listening in Paterson New Jersey I can see an old couple sitting by the fire they're listening in Madison Wisconsin I can see a boy and a girl sitting in a parked car there yes Costello well everybody can't be listening never mind that let's get on with our show come on let's get our show started I have it I'm not sure that I want to be happy I don't think I'm gonna be happy on this network I don't be silly Costello there's nobody to bother us on this network they don't even have one vice president I know it but they got a hundred and sixty seven presidents Matt what are you beefing about did any other network give you an office no did any other network give you a beautiful blonde secretary no did any other network give you a brand new Cadillac no then what are you complaining about this network didn't either die and came on you everyone is happy we're here look at all these telegrams here we are here I'll read them go ahead oh listen to this one it says dear Costello and David wait a minute cut out Costello and Abbott yeah that must be from your family here's another one here's another one over here we are very happy that you are now working for the American broadcasting company well who's it from a cigarette company which hereafter shall remain anonymous would you like a package of Q-Bibs that are good for your free zone all right now we've got telegrams from people all over the country yes here's one from a guy in Alaska who wants to sponsor our show up there madman Morris Matt madman Morris in Alaska what does he sell he's a used slid dealer never mind that just you have nothing to worry about you have an iron-clad trade contract with this network either way you say it I got it it's good I got a good contract I know but how come I don't have a contract with our Castell I'm surprised if you you know I'll give you a square deal friends like us what we couldn't put down on paper what we think of each other in a contract you're right the first contract ever to be banned in Boston you're looking to have a contract with ABC yes but what an awful contract listen to this paragraph a clause one the party of the first part shall be known unfortunately as Louis Costello why unfortunately they tried to get Bob Holt and listen to this paragraph B clause 2 whereas and here before because of henceforth and in accordance with their to it is understood there of you know hey have it you know I fought for two weeks before we came to an agreement on that clause and what did you agree on that nobody knew what it meant now here's the part I don't like section 39 Luke Costello must not lose his fat funny stomach with this contract I can bring your sand something else this contract is no avoid well wait a minute how can they make you keep your stomach how can I make me keep my stomach yeah well listen it is section 42 Costello must bring beer for breakfast beer for lunch and milk for supper well at least once a day they let you drink milk yeah but the car that gives the milk has to drink beer I'll get this habit clause 22 Luke Costello shall have complete control over the program I had a pretty smart lawyer clause 23 disregard clause 22 they had a smarter lawyer that's all that contact tells you know best ever that contact tells how to do everything but brush your teeth boss 25 out to brush your teeth I never mind to get the contact Costello and look the director just gave us the cue to start the show now go ahead first show of the first show of the two right go ahead hey mr. Costello I'm Stanley the head after this studio before you start the show I gotta know what signals you're gonna use what signal you know the signals you give the ashes to start the applause laugh up the jokes how dare you insinuate that we use signals to get laughs and applause we don't need no watchers to start the laughs and applause there'll be no signals you understand yes and one more thing oh what's that be sure you watch when I hold up the applause sign yes yes sir and as the head after this studio may I welcome you at last on the ocean the comedy show I used to work on soap operas 530 to 6 I had a listen to young with a bomb nothing but troubles 6 to 6 30 mark Perkins nothing but troubles 6 30 to 7 my true story nothing but troubles 7 to 7 30 mark trouble I go home and listen to the horrible Mrs. Schwartz well wait a minute wait a minute the horrible Mrs. Schwartz I never heard of that program what program that's my way yes I know I used to be I yes I know you know I used to be an usher in a theater I had to wear costumes for every show but the back of all they wore overalls for Oklahoma I wore chaps a show both they made me wear a sailor suit when the next show came in I quit I was the next show you got troubles costello I've been an usher for 20 years 20 years of being polite to people 20 years walking up and down I have 20 years standing on my feet but I think so I'm gonna make a difference the people are gonna stand the ashes are gonna set everybody else everybody boy oh boy have it this is really gonna be a great season one big happy family oh there you are boy oh mr. where we were just about to go on the air well thank goodness I got here in time boys this is a friendly network before we start our show we insist that the actors go down into the audience and the people do you think that's a good idea well yes but we lose more darn actors that way you get going boys oh yeah well I ain't gonna get down and dead out audience like it couldn't ready that's yellow your fire I'm good and ready come on have it wait a minute let's meet this gentleman first how do you do sir welcome to the Abbott and Custello show what is your name I'm Sam a Sam slide cleaning of pressing 503 Westline 3 we press your pants while you wait that's a square deal I've ever heard one if you're pressing a guy's pants he's got a way to fly just tell it well Sam thanks for taking the trouble to come to our blog gas and now let's say I'm not commercial take it easy have it take it he may be one of our sponsor well thank you for coming to our thank you for coming to our program I hope you listen in every Wednesday I'll always listen in while I'm pressing a fan cleaning a person that's enough that's enough just a minute no freak I might forget about him Castella let's say hello to this young lady here welcome to our showman what's what business are you in I'm a clerk oh that's fine now where do you work we've had enough of that wait a minute I'll try somebody else if there's somebody in the audience that doesn't work at Sam's cleaning person I don't go good I'm on vacation from Sam's cleaning do you sell spot remover at that joint we sure do well run over and get me a golem I'd like to remove this spot from the show no no no this is a friendly network look here's a lady just come in good evening madam oh hello I tried to get here earlier I hope I'm not too late too late for what so did they give away the electrical simulator yet look lady you're a little mixed up this is the Abbott and Costello show I've been robbed you guys ain't given nothing away you guys ought to be ashamed of yourself ten years on the air and you ain't never give away nothing I'm getting out of here please don't go lady I'll give you something what you can have that if he's okay you're telling me I'm sorry lady you evidently got the wrong tickets by the way where did you get a sound cleaning in second boys boys on stage please the internet is ready for a test good now we're ready to check the killer cycle killer what night killer what killer cycle I should I kill a cyclist have it done up in the mean off sense castella the engineer just wants to make a test he knows what he's doing he's a student of Marconi I know all about that stuff myself what do you know about Marconi well it ain't as good with meatballs as spaghetti I never mind and boys let's get ready for the show we're on the air in five seconds well good about time up to now we've had nothing but trouble but we'll show them Abbott wait till our listeners get a load of this opening show of our first show so quiet that goes the green light yes we're on the air good and now the American broadcasting company brings you the first evident Costello show of the sea you have just heard the first program in the new series of the evident Costello show I want to congratulate you on a mob if you're wondering what to do after Abbott and Costello leave for the night friends one day no more cars listen to this coming up next over most ABC stations is another new and hilarious member of ABC's family of great Wednesday night shows and starring is the bright young man who was the army's number one comic of World War two Jack Park Jack successfully carried his kidding over into civilian life and just as Henry Morgan won honors as last year's greatest comedy find so jackpars winning this year's freshman funnyman Laurel so stay tuned for laughs with jackpars then listen for the big cross the show guest starring Gary Cooper and the unpredictable Henry Morgan show next week we invite you to tune in early and spend the evening with all the members of ABC's family of great Wednesday night shows mayor of the town with Lionel Barrymore box pop jackpars Bing Crosby and Henry Morgan and now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello show. But Abbott and Luke Costello with a final word. Well Abbott you were right one big happy family. I never saw such a mixed up show in my whole life. I'll calm down Castello. Things are going to be all right. Everything's mixed up all over the country. Look at Washington. Look at all the presidential candidates we've got everybody is from the hats in the ring. Yes. And if they get any more hats in the ring president Truman will be able to go back into his old business. Well I got to go now and get a pair of pants where over at Sam's cleaning impression five oh no. Good night. Good night. Listen each one tonight at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show with Susan Miller and the left back to singer. This is Michael Roy saying good bye until the same time next Wednesday. Stay tuned now for the deck. Follows immediately.